Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - To All the Girls I've Loved Before

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
( knock at door ) Come in.
( babies crying ) Mind if I use your office? Again? Hey, you think I like having to do this? You know how hard it is to breast-feed twins? I haven't had my bra off and on this much since junior high.
Hey.
Maybe you could help.
What do you mean "help"? Well, you got a decent set of ducts.
Maybe I could use you as a decoy.
You see? While I'm pumping one kid, the other one's attached to you.
Are you serious? Sure! It'll shut 'em up.
( crying ) So they won't get milk.
Life is hard.
( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Good evening, everyone! Hello.
You know, it's uncanny, my darling, but there's not a room you step foot into where you're not the most beautiful woman there.
That's deplorable sentence structure, Frasier.
What you mean to say is that I am the most beautiful woman in any room I enter.
Yes.
Well, thank you for correcting me in front of 30 people.
There you go, your usual cured spritzer.
Thanks, Sam.
Hey, the big day is around the corner, isn't it? Yeah, next Saturday.
Lilith and I have been in the process of writing, editing, rewriting, and researching our wedding vows.
Hi, boss.
Hiya.
Hello, Rebecca.
I have a small favor to ask regarding our impending wedding.
Since all my close friends will be out of town, and we have had a previous conversation, and our eyes have met on a number of occasions, I was wondering if you'd consent to be my maid of honor.
Me? Isn't that usually your best friend? You are my best friend.
Oh, I'm very flattered.
Um I guess so.
Sure, Lila.
Lilith.
Right.
Right.
I knew that.
Let's discuss wedding gowns.
Do you think black Sam, it, uh, goes without saying of course, that you'll be my best man.
Aw, I-I don't want to do that.
It makes me feel so uncomfortable.
I mean, a best man has to give a toast, doesn't he? No, look, I-I took the liberty of writing down a few things.
Then I'd be honored.
Oh, that's great.
( clears throat ): What are you doing for a bachelor party? Oh, actually, I haven't any plans.
Well, would you like to have one tonight? Well, what do you think, darling? Uh, would I like a bachelor party? Well while I feel that particular ritual is as passé as taking the topknot of one's dead enemy, I will not deprive you of the experience.
Immature though it might be.
She's a gamer! Oh! We're on! Fellas, stag party tonight.
Hey! All right.
You know, uh, being maid of honor means you have to throw Brunehilda a bridal shower.
Oh, right.
I guess I should do something.
What kind of shower do you think? Kitchen? Linen? Look at who she's hitching up with.
Better make it marital aids.
I'll handle this.
Uh, Lilith? What do you say we have a little get-together at my place tonight? That would be lovely.
Now, you're gonna have to tell me who to invite, because I don't know anything about you.
I only wish there were some way I could repay you, Rebecca.
Oh, don't mention it.
If you ever need to admit a family member to a mental institution, I could certainly speed up the paperwork.
That's very dear of you.
Well, gents Yep.
My last night of freedom.
Yep.
One last chance to loosen the old noose, so to speak.
Really have some fun while I still can.
( guys laugh ) Do I hear the pitter-patter of cold feet? No! No! Not at all.
I mean, as long as I'm in love with this woman and she has my dear old mother tied up in the cellar, I'm gonna go through with it.
( laughter ) Darling could I speak with you a moment? Excuse me.
The ball and chain.
Frasier, do you realize that is the fourth derogatory remark about marriage you've made this evening? Oh, come on, my angel.
I mean, they're they're jokes.
I mean, everybody knows my mother is dead.
That's what makes it funny.
No one loves a good joke more than I.
But I find that-- as our wedding day approaches-- the frequency of these quips has increased.
Are you having second thoughts? Well, only that I love you more now than I did five minutes ago.
Leaving aside your schoolboy sophistries, let me make you an offer.
If, after your madcap night of debauchery and vomiting, you still feel you want to go through with the wedding plans, call me and tell me so.
But Lilith, that's entirely unnecessary.
I beg to differ.
Up until this point, you've only seen my warm and vulnerable side.
Now I must become cold and analytical.
As if you could, my treasure.
Frasier, I need your reassurance.
I'll be awaiting your call.
Boy, this bachelor party should be keen.
"Keen"? ( laughing ) Hey, I don't know about Indiana, but around here when guys get together to send another guy off to his doom, things can get a little raunchy, you hear me? ( laughing ) You fellas ever dress up farm animals in women's clothing? No.
Well, then I'm one up on you.
Gentlemen! ( all shout greetings ) You know, I, I was listening to a rock and roll station on my way over here, and you know, to put me in the mood.
There was a passage in one of those tribal songs that I feel, uh well, is the keynote for this evening.
"Everybody have fun tonight.
" "Everybody Wang Chung tonight.
" ( all shouting ) Yeah, I think we got a madman on our hands here.
I had a nap.
( all laugh ) You know, gentlemen I I can't tell you how touched I am that you all-- to a man-- came back for my party.
We never left.
Boy, this is gonna be some night.
Oh, a real guy night.
Yeah! Check your X chromosome at the door.
( all laugh ) I wonder what the women are doing? Oh, they're probably, uh, hanging around, drinking some European coffee you know, mocha Finland or the like, eh.
Passing around a bunch of brownies, saying, "No, I really shouldn't," and then stuffing their faces.
To the man of the hour, huh? ( chorus of acclaim ) Mr.
Frasier Crane, and to all the girls we've loved before.
ALL: Hear! Hear! I've, uh loved quite a few.
How 'bout a fill-up, huh? NORM: Cliffie.
A big difference between loving women and annoying them in the checkout line, okay? Ah, women.
They're tough to figure out.
Yeah, but they're sure fun to play with while you're trying.
If you guys could have one woman, any woman in the world, who would it be? Oh, that's easy.
Kathleen Turner.
Wah-wah-wah-wah! Give me Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks.
Ten weeks.
Ten weeks.
Jill Eikenberry.
( expressing puzzlement ) You know, L.
A.
Law? She's married to that short, dumpy guy on the show.
Something about her, I like.
Lilith Sternin.
( all groaning and teasing ) Loni Anderson.
Boy, she's got a set of oompahs that John Phillip Sousa would kill for.
I swear to God.
My very first time was in the sixth grade.
School crossing guard.
No! Hey, I swear to you.
Wow, that's more exciting than my first time.
Wedding night, Norm? Uh, the following week.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, good news, guys.
Wife says I don't have to go home till midnight.
Ooh, yeah.
The bad news is, she'll still be awake when you get there.
Eh, I don't know.
Women, women.
You know, uh, once they get their claws in you, they just don't let go, you know what I mean? Oh, I don't know, Cliff.
I wouldn't say that about all women.
I'm sure Loni Anderson doesn't do that.
( laughing ) And I know my Lilith.
Why, just today, she presented me with an opportunity to back out of the marriage if I so desire.
Now, is that blind faith or what? Uh-oh.
( guys "oohing" ) Uh-oh, what? Seems to me that she might have changed her mind and is just trying to let you down easy.
That's the most preposterous thing I've ever heard.
Oh, I don't know, now.
If you had a 200-pound marlin, and you're about haul him on the boat, would you stop and ask him if he wanted to go back in the water? ( guys murmuring ) Be careful, Dr.
Crane.
This could be a trick question.
I think the laws are different in each state.
Well, I-I certainly don't believe that's true in Lilith's case.
I don't know, Frase, Sammy could have a point there.
( guys affirming ) Do you really think Lilith wants me to back out? SAM: Could be.
Could be.
I'd think about it, Doc.
Well, then let's just see how the night progresses.
Maybe Lilith Sternin will get her wish, after all.
Where's that stripper? ( guys laughing raucously ) Let's get Bubbles or Peaches, or whatever her name is out here and have at her! ( cheering and hooting ) No, you, uh, you stay right there.
Yeah.
( sexy stripper music playing ) ( whooping and whistling ) We are amused.
Whoo! GUYS: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! ( yelling and whooping ) Karen! Dr.
Crane! You know each other? She's one of my patients.
Karen, I hope you're doing this for the money, because this certainly won't square things between you and your father.
I'm sorry I spoiled your party.
Oh, nonsense, Karen, you didn't spoil anything.
And under the circumstances, ( chuckling ): we understand, don't we, guys? There, you see? Well, bye-bye, now.
Bye-bye.
Maybe I shouldn't get married.
Oh, come on, what are you talking about? Oh, it's time I realized that there are two Frasier Cranes.
Frasier the prospective groom who sent Karen on her way, and Frasier the pig who wanted to see her shake her nonnies.
You know, I've never revealed this to anybody, but when Diane left me at the altar, I well, there was a tiny voice that kept saying, "You're off the hook, you're off the hook.
" NORM: Yeah, the only voice I heard was Vera's just yapping and yapping.
MAN: You ever notice it's always the women who want to get married? Yapping and yapping.
Well, you know, when I think of all the unhappy people whom I've counseled over the years, whose lives have been scarred and destroyed by marriages badly cast, I could write a book.
I have written a book.
Come on, now, Fras.
You're just having last-minute jitters.
Geez, I-I don't know.
Maybe Lilith isn't the woman for me.
What do you think of her, guys? Tell me, listen, I-I-I demand complete honesty.
Well, uh, Doc, I'll be honest with you.
( clearing throat ): Uh, ixnay, ixnay.
Oh, no, Normie, no, I just wish that I was there for you.
No, uh I was, uh, waiting for you to wise up, there, Doc.
You know, I mean, Lilith Sternin-- I mean, even the name makes the old butt cheeks, uh, tighten up, you know what I mean? I mean, she is Olive Oyl without the good fashion sense.
( chuckling ) And that personality, geez Hey, whoa, whoa, come on, hey, Cliff, that's enough.
Yeah, you think so? Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Sam, you know, you've been uncharacteristically mute.
I mean, surely you have some opinion on this.
No, no, do it, man.
I think you should walk off together into the sunset, you know? Live happily ever after.
Translation: Frasier Crane, you're a complete fool if you get married.
I did not say that.
Now, listen, Sam, I know exactly what you're thinking.
I mean, every fiber of your body speaks it.
You live it every day.
Give me one good reason why the single life is better than being married.
Okay, uh well, let's see.
When I get home, I don't have to explain to anybody uh, where I've been or what I've been doing.
If I was out having a good time, I don't have to call home to see if I can stay later.
Oh, that reminds me.
SAM: There, right there.
There you go.
See, that's what you're losing, man-- your freedom.
You know, I can eat doughnuts for dinner if I want to.
Nobody nags me to put down the toilet seat.
I am the king of my own remote control.
I can date anybody I want to, and if somebody better turns up-- and somebody always does, bless their hearts-- then I can date them the very next night.
You know, I don't have to worry about forgetting an anniversary, no mother-in-laws, no father-in-laws, no laws, period.
I only asked for one reason.
My God.
I'm, I'm actually beginning to have doubts.
No.
You know, I've got to hear the voice of my beloved just to reassure me.
Uh, Woody, Woody, give me Rebecca's number, and hand me the phone, would you? Oh, Dr.
Crane, if Miss Howe answers, could you ask her something for me? What's that, Wood? Ask her if she has Prince Albert in a can.
( laughing ) Don't tell her it was me.
No.
FRASIER: Hello.
Yeah, h-hello.
Is that you, Carla? ( music playing ) Yeah, yeah, who is it? Uh, it's Frasier.
What's all that noise? What's going on over there? We're making a quilt.
Well, can I speak to Lilith, please? Well, is it important? She's showing the male stripper where to put his things.
What? Oh, I-I got to get back.
I-I got a bet this guy's packing socks.
She'll call you back sometime.
What happened? Oh, nothing.
Seems Lilith is indisposed at the moment.
She's helping to undress a male stripper.
( guys oohing and aahing ) A male stripper? Well, where do they put the tassels? The thought of my Lilith having one last carnal fling with some fellow in a Speedo is beyond belief! Now, Frasier, I mean, just 'cause some guy strips in her honor doesn't mean they're going to wind up in the sack together.
Oh, no, no, no, you don't know my Lilith.
I'll tell you, once her libido's cut loose, I mean, there's no tying her down, unless, of course, that's what she's into for the evening.
She's, right now, she's with him.
Oh, no, hey, hey, come on, take it easy here.
She's with that man-- that sweating, chiseled, Frasier.
pulsing, throbbing Hey, hey, whoa.
sexy Creme de Menthe? You couldn't find some water? My God, Sam.
You realize what this this means? Well, I-I don't know the clinical term for it, but it seems to me you were going a little scooters there.
I was jealous, Sam.
I-I was insanely, blindly jealous.
If ever I needed a clearer gut-level demonstration of my feelings, I mean, that was it.
Yes, yes, it's perverted.
Yes, it's childish, but yes, it's love.
Maybe you ought to go see her right now.
I will, Sam.
There's just one matter that has to be rectified first.
Cliff, in light of my recent decision, I now take offense at your remarks about Lilith.
In short, I'm going to kick your sorry butt.
Ah, now, come on, Doc, just cool down, will you? It was just a joke.
Oh, you mean like that costume you wear every day? GUYS: Whoa! All right, put up your dukes, Dr.
Cream Puff.
Okay, now we got a party, eh? ( men laugh and agree ) All right, all right, uh, before we start, let's just, uh, set a few ground rules, all right? Uh, no punching in the face because that can cause severe brain damage.
Oh, oh, all right, uh, just one other thing.
Uh, no hitting below the belt.
I'm about to be married.
Uh, all right, all right, fair enough, fair enough.
All right, well, no hitting in the, uh, right shoulder, though.
That's my bag shoulder, all right? What about the, um, upper thigh area? Uh Oh, no, I think we covered that on page five over here.
Yeah.
Well, then, where does that leave us? I don't know; it's leaving me with writer's cramp, I'll tell you.
Well, let that be a lesson to you.
As for me, I'm going to go back to my beloved, throw my arms around her milky-white shoulders, and let me tell you something, fellas.
I'm going to tell her I'm devoted to her, and that I'm dedicating the rest of my life to her.
Hello, everyone.
Frasier, is that you? Good.
I hope this doesn't spoil the bachelor party, but the engagement is off.
It's over, history, kaput.
Good night.
What?! She's kind of juiced.
I can't be engaged to you, Frasier, because I'm marrying Randy here.
If anyone wants to get us a wedding gift, his butt is this size.
Why don't you sit down, Dr.
Sternin? Oh, "Dr.
Sternin" is a little formal, isn't it? You can call me Sheena, Ruler of the Jungle of Love.
Can somebody sober her up? Hey, I think you lost a button.
( Woody laughing ) We'll handle it from here.
Thanks, Randy.
Happy to do it.
There's still the matter of cab fare.
Oh.
Here, there you go.
Great.
Thanks.
See you.
Oh, Randy, don't leave me.
I'll never be able to hear "Shock the Monkey" again without crying.
Lilith, what were you thinking of?! I'm sorry, Frasier, it's just that I felt the need to get back at you.
I waited all evening for you to call and say that the wedding was still on, but you didn't, you cur.
I did call! Didn't Carla tell you? She was too busy licking Bosco off Randy's chest.
I became increasingly more distraught and foolish as the night grew long.
Of course, the 11 tequila shooters didn't help.
And now, the epilogue is that my behavior has probably cost me the one man I truly love.
Oh, you can probably still catch him.
Woody, I don't think you're following along closely enough.
Listen, you're not the only one who's behaved irrationally tonight.
Lilith I want to marry you anyway.
You do? Absolutely.
For the rest of my life, I will always cherish those words: "Lilith, I want to marry you anyway.
" Come, my sweet.
Let's get on with our life together.
Uh, thank you all.
( halfheartedly ): Yeah, way to go, Doc.
Good night, Doc.
See you, Doc.
Oh, Lilith, just, uh promise me two things.
Never leave me for another, and uh don't throw up on me in the cab.
SAM: Well, guys, what do you think? What'll we do now, huh? I got to get home.
MAN: Yeah, I got to tell my wife, too.
Yeah, I'm out of here, too.
Me, too.
Good night, Sam.
Good night, Sam.
Yeah.
Hey, that reminds me.
I promised Vera I'd pick up some Chinese food.
Oh, that's nice of you, Norm.
Well, I spilled it on the floor this morning.
Yeah, well, I'll be saying good night there, Sammy.
I, uh, I am married to the U.
S.
Postal Service.
What the hell, Sammy, we all can't lead your carefree life.
Well, good night.
Yeah.
( door shuts ) Oh, boy.
Party's over? Yeah.
They all had women they had to run home to.
Saps.
I just came back to lock up.
Oh, come on, hey, I always do that.
Oh, that's right.
You're a real night owl, aren't you? Yeah.
One of the great joys of being single.
You don't have to tell me.
Those women at the shower-- they have no idea how to have fun.
Five minutes after Randy left, we got into this heated debate about which was better, mayonnaise or Miracle Whip.
Turned into a fistfight.
Ha! Ah, that's pathetic.
Boy, you know, I'll never trade in the single life.
Me, neither.
Good night, Sam.
Yeah, good night.
Ah.
Freedom.
( music playing on TV ) You want to go get a cup of coffee? Oh, you bet I do.