Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Let Sleeping Drakes Lie

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
No, no, it's a well-documented fact that the female of the species is irresistibly drawn to men in uniform.
Yeah, just yesterday, some lonely, frustrated housewife saw me coming up the garden path, you know, peeking through the window, and she tries to coyly titillate me by pulling down the shade so I wonder what's going on behind it.
Let me dispel the mystery.
She was puking.
Carla, don't you get bored just hanging around here all day waiting to take cheap shots at me? Yeah, I should get a beeper.
All right, look.
That's it.
I am sick and tired of being your whipping boy.
Today the worm turns.
You are not going to insult me any longer, because I am not going to give you the chance.
As of from right now, I am shutting up, zipping my lip.
( applause ) And my friends support me.
( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
You know something, chaps, I had a particularly fascinating session this morning.
No, honestly.
Someone I was seeing for the first time.
Extraordinarily beautiful, young woman, who's uh, rather unique malaise is to be aroused with sexual frenzy by Oh, good Lord.
Excuse me.
I don't really think I should be discussing my patients here.
Uh how about discussing them over here? Well, I suppose it wouldn't violate any doctor-patient confidentiality if I don't use names.
Pour the beer, Woody.
I thought you weren't going to use any names, Dr.
Woody Well, it seems this woman has her passions inflamed by men who dance.
Wait a minute, Wait a minute.
Men who dance? That's weird.
What's even more bizarre, is that she will catapult herself compulsively into the arms of any man in tights or tap shoes.
Fascinating fixation.
Ooh, geez.
I've got to go.
I'm sorry.
Where you going? My ballet class.
No, no, lunch, lunch.
That was a little psychological humor.
You know, as my old professor used to say, if you can't laugh at your patients, what fun are they? See you later.
Morning, everybody.
PATRONS: Norm! WOODY: Can I pour you a draft, Mr.
Peterson? A little early, isn't it, Woody? For a beer? No, for stupid questions.
Would you believe the board of directors is asking for a breakdown of projected earnings for the next six months? Yes.
NORM: Rebecca, I started painting Mr.
Drake's house.
I want to thank you for that recommendation.
Oh, it was my pleasure, Norm.
How's it going? Great, great.
He's out of town for a few days so, uh, I thought it'd be a good time to get started in his bedroom.
I was doing a little prep work over there this morning, and I must say, that's a cute photo of you he has next to his night stand there.
What? Just kidding.
I will kill you, Norm.
You know, uh, I am over there all by myself, so if you want to drop by and, uh, check any of the house out, I can get you in.
No I can't.
Oh, go on.
You're dying to look in his drawers.
That's right, he won't be there.
The last thing on my mind is Evan Drake and where he sleeps.
No, I don't want to be distracted.
I've got to get these figures into the bed of directors board of directors.
Shall we say in one hour? REBECCA: I'll be there.
Excuse me, I'm looking for Dr.
He mentioned he'd be here.
Oh, I'm sorry, you just missed him.
Oh, darn.
I had a session earlier today and left a package in his office.
When I went back, it was locked.
Gee, I don't know what to tell you.
But then again, I don't know what to tell most people.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, you had a session with him? Are you a patient of his? That's right.
Why? Oh, just curious.
Well, it's not that important.
I just thought if I caught him, I could still get my package back.
I understand perfectly.
Well, I'm out of luck, I guess.
I'll just have to stop by tomorrow.
Gotta dance, gotta dance Why are you doing that? This? Oh ( chuckling ) I guess it's kind of an old reflex with us hoofers.
You're a dancer? Well, kind of.
Yeah my name's Sam Malone but people call me Bojangles.
Jennifer McCall.
Jennifer McCall, whoo That's a beautiful name for a beautiful girl.
Well, thank you.
I have to be going.
Well, at least let me, uh, waltz you to the door here, all right? I know I'm not very sophisticated, but I don't think what Sam is doing is right.
Well, look, don't you put yourself down with me, and I happen to agree with you.
I mean, standing around tending bar all day is like the worst thing a dancer could do for his calves.
Speaking of calves, Woody, was it painful when the cow kicked you in the head? You get used to it.
Why don't I stop back and um, we'll go to lunch.
Oh, I'm looking forward to it already.
Ow, got a cramp.
Oh, God Ow, Woody And, uh, here's his bedroom.
( gasps in awe ) I feel kind of queasy.
Like I don't belong here.
Like I'm doing something wrong.
I know-- that's how I feel in my bedroom.
I just feel kind of like I'm trespassing.
Like I'm invading his privacy.
This is not right.
This is not right.
I should not be doing this.
I shouldn't.
I shouldn't, I shouldn't.
Would you like to be alone? Sorry.
Well, as long as I'm here, I guess it wouldn't hurt for me to just look around a little bit.
Now, I suggested Navajo white, but he went with sandstone.
What do you think? This is where he keeps his clothes, isn't it? ( door squeaks ) Do you think anybody heard that? Like who? I don't know.
I'm just nervous.
God, there's no way I could explain it if I got caught.
How are you going to get caught? Because people always get caught in this situation.
What if Evan comes back unexpectedly.
Look, he's in Europe, okay? You don't come back unexpectedly from Europe.
You come back unexpectedly from the movies or shopping.
But you don't come back unexpect ( car door slams ) What? What? Oh, my God, it's Mr.
Drake! He's back unexpectedly from Europe! Oh, I have to get out of here.
DRAKE: Norm, are you here? Uh, yes, sir.
Be right down, sir.
DRAKE: No, that's all right, I'm coming up.
For the love of Go, go, go, go, go.
REBECCA: Norm NORM: Oh, oh, right, right.
Ah, Norm there you are.
Hi, sir.
What are you doing here, sir? Oh, I wound up everything in a marathon session.
I haven't slept for three days.
Three days.
Let me take you out for a cup of coffee, sir.
No, no, no.
All I want to do is sleep for about a week.
Should I get your pajamas, sir? No! No? No.
Oh, I thought you meant my pajamas.
No, they're, uh, they're too far away from here and I don't even think they'd fit Mr.
Actually, I think you'll find a clean pair of pajamas in the bag.
( door squeaks ) I thought you were going to fix that.
Oh, yeah, that squeak.
I'm going to fix that squeak, sir.
You should go to another room.
I may need to use the jaws of life.
Uh, no, just leave it, will ya? As a matter of fact, forget the painting thing, too.
I'm a light sleeper, and I don't want to hear you rattling your paint cans.
Well, that's one thing I've never been accused of, sir, is rattling my cans.
Please, I mean it, Norm.
Huh? Yes, sir.
( shouting ): So you're a really light sleeper, sir? Yes, but I have excellent hearing, Norm.
Yeah, most light sleepers do.
That's what makes them light sleepers.
So you just left her in the closet? Believe me, I did everything I could to get the guy out of the room for like one minute, but he wouldn't budge.
So you just left her in the closet? There was nothing else I could do, okay? So you just left her in the closet? Carla, it wasn't my fault, all right? It's been at least an hour.
She should have snuck out by now.
Oh, come on.
She'd be here if she'd gotten away.
You gotta get her out of there.
Hey, look.
You, uh, you think of it as an adventure.
She's the damsel in distress and you are the knight in shiny white armor, leaping upon your steed.
And driving it into the ground up to its knees.
No, no, no, no, and saving a damsel.
( sighs ) I guess you're right, you're right.
I gotta go do this.
Listen, uh, Cliffie, if I'm not back in an hour, go ahead and finish my beer.
This is your beer.
Sammy, I hear you got a sure thing lined up, huh? Mm, no, I never like to use the term "sure thing.
" I prefer the term "in the bag.
" ( scoffs ) What? What? Ah, Sammy, come on.
Isn't this, you know, pretending to be a phony-bologna dancer a little bit beneath you? I mean, when I go picking up girls, I don't need all that stuff.
All I need is a wink and a smile.
And a rag doused with chloroform.
I don't know, Sammy.
It looks to me like you're getting a little desperate.
What are you talk I'm not desperate.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Ready, Sam? Oh, hi, Jennifer.
I'll be right with you.
See you guys later.
Ready to go? Mm-hmm.
( snoring ) NORM: Mr.
Drake! Mr.
Drake, sir! Sorry, sir, but Mr.
Peterson said it was an emergency.
What? Emergency? Yeah, structural, Evan.
It's just a damn good thing I went back and checked those blueprints.
This ceiling could go at any second.
Ceiling? Yeah, it's a crack, sir.
It extends all the way into, uh, here.
( hushed ): Get me out of here.
What crack? There's nothing wrong with that ceiling.
I'm only thinking of your safety, sir.
Now, I'd feel much better if you slept in a different room.
Peterson, get out.
And close that closet door.
Well, wait a minute.
Many people prefer to sleep with the closet door open.
( creaks ) Is there something wrong with you? Yeah, it's, um, it's the paint fumes, sir.
They make me giddy.
And, uh, I'm afraid they can be hazardous to your health, sir.
Oh, nonsense.
No one was ever killed by paint fumes.
But, uh, they can cause brain damage.
Now get out of here.
Sir, I have some paint cans in the closet there.
I'd feel much better for you if I tightened those lids.
Whatever, just do it, get out of here.
Norm, I'm so glad to see you.
You gotta get me out of here.
Every time I open the door, it squeaks and he starts to wake up.
If he finds me here in the morning, he will fire me, hate me, and he is never, ever going to want to be my boyfriend.
Aw DRAKE: Norm, are you talking to your paints? Uh, yes, I am, sir.
Come on, come on.
Just, just calm down, all right? Calm down.
Calm down.
Okay? Everything's going to be fine.
I'm going to get you out of Whoo, cashmere.
( sobs ) Here's my plan, okay? I'm going to walk out of here.
I'm going to leave the closet door yea bit open, right? So it won't squeak.
Now you wait until he's good and sound asleep, and then you just walk on out of here, okay? Okay.
If you're hungry, I brought you some chips.
Cajun style? Never mind.
Just go ahead.
Okay, all right.
Good luck.
( door creaks ) Is he asleep? Get lost.
Getting lost, sir.
Oh, like an open door would really kill you, Greyson, huh? ( sighs ) ( loud crunch ) So you just left her in the closet? ( sighs heavily ) I had a foolproof plan to get her out of there and the whole thing got spoiled by this anal-retentive butler.
Peterson, you gotta get her out of there.
Oh How did I get myself into this? I should have never become a house painter.
I should have listened to my mother and become a matador.
You know, Norm, you are probably too logical.
What? Yes, you see, it's an established psychological fact that the more outrageous a lie one tells, the more readily will the victim believe it.
You see, if you told Mr.
Drake a sufficiently outlandish story, odds are he'd buy it.
No, that's impossible.
No, Woody, it's a stroke of genius.
Frasier, you're brilliant.
That is one of the most brilliant ideas you've ever had.
And you've had a lot of brilliant ideas.
Thank you, Carla.
See, Woody? It works.
Bonehead bought it.
All right.
All right.
All right, I guess I just gotta go do this.
I've got to do it.
If it doesn't work out, tomorrow I'm going to be shopping for toreador pants.
Hey, where you going? I gotta get Rebecca out of the damn closet.
You just left her in the closet? Where's Frasier, man? I gotta talk to him.
Where's your date? She's at my apartment.
I told her I was going out for some ice.
I don't know, something's wrong here.
I've been dancing my brains out and nothing, zilch.
Frasier, you know that, that beautiful girl you were treating this morning? I treated two beautiful women this morning, Sam.
Which one? The one that had the hots for the dancers.
Yes, why? Well, uh, you didn't cure her, by any chance, did you? You don't just "cure" someone overnight.
Most patients require dozens of costly sessions to make even minimal progress.
God, I love this profession.
Well, I don't know.
Something's wrong.
Maybe it's my dancing.
You treated two beautiful girls this morning? What did you treat the other one for? Um, pyromania.
Pyro pyromania.
Pyro ( distant sirens wailing ) ( door creaking ) ( mumbling ) ( snorts and mumbles ) What? ( groans ) ( grunts ) ( gasps ) GREYSON: Stop! You can't go in there! Up, sir! Up quick! Bees! Killer bees are coming this way from Mexico and they're hopping mad, sir! Bees? Yeah, those suckers could swarm through here like a buzz saw.
Sir, you don't have any honey in here, do you? Peterson, get out of here.
And if you come back in here again, I'm going to have Greyson use his gun.
Understood? Yes, sir! Hey, he was talking to me, okay, Greyson? Look, sir, let me just get your robe.
I'm very concerned about these bees.
Well, never mind.
They've gone.
There they go.
They're headed up to Canada or someplace.
( yells ) What is it? Bee sting.
They're back, sir.
Peterson, what the hell is going on? Sir, I'm sorry.
I I didn't want to have to tell you this, but you're forcing me to.
Oh, please, tell me quickly.
If I don't sleep, I'll die.
And I'm gonna take you with me.
It's, actually, it's kind of personal.
Do you mind, Greyson? Sir? Whatever.
Anything that will get him out of here.
Sir, to begin with, when I was a little boy, I was very poor.
Peterson, I'm not going to survive any story that begins with when you were little.
Oh, right.
Sir, I've had this fantasy that's haunted me all my life.
At night, when I'm lying in bed, it comes and torments me.
Oh, I know the feeling.
Yes, sir.
Of course you do.
Anyway, this is my fantasy, sir.
It's a little outrageous.
So, uh, just stay with me.
Even though I was born poor and I'll never be a rich man, somehow, it wouldn't make any difference if one time, sir, just one time, just one darn time, I could do something symbolic, like carry a rich man across the lawn in his pajamas.
Come here.
I know, I know, I know, it sounds crazy, I know.
Sir, no.
sir, I don't have a fever.
No, I know that.
I'm feeling for the lobotomy scar.
Sir, sir, please.
Sir, please, please.
All right, all right, all right, all right! Look, if I actually let you do it, Uh-huh.
would you promise me, would you swear on your mother's grave that you would let me sleep? Yes, sir, I swear.
I prom No, no, no, no, no.
you've got to do more than promise.
You've got to give me your solemn oath as a crazy person.
My oath, my vow, my pledge.
I promise you.
All right, okay.
Thank you so much, sir.
All right.
Thank you, thank you very much, sir.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much, sir.
You know, sir, I don't mean to flatter you, but you're very firm for your age.
( grunting ) Thank you very much, sir.
It was everything I dreamed it would be.
Whoa, hey, whoa, who made the bed? I did, sir.
When? The instant Mr.
Drake vacated the premises.
You mean you came in here the instant we left and you haven't left since? ( sighing ) Aw, sir.
Sir? I don't know quite how to tell you this, sir.
We've got to own up, sir.
I've got to tell you the truth.
Now ow! What? What? Ah! Ah! Ahh! You should do that before you go to sleep.
It clears the lungs.
Ahh! You'll sleep much better.
Sweet dreams.
( birds singing ) Hi, sir.
Oh, I knew it, I knew it.
You broke your word.
No, no, no.
You lied to me, Norm.
No, no, no, sir.
You see, I went back to the bar to tell everyone about my dream coming true.
And since none of their dreams have come true, they wouldn't believe mine.
Why are you doing this to me? Why? Sir, my dream is to have people know that I carried a rich man across the lawn in his pajamas.
You're going to hurt me.
No, sir.
I just need witnesses.
I've got several lined up outside.
Greyson would fill out the troop nicely, sir.
Just a couple minutes, This is a nightmare.
then it'd be all over, sir.
You can sleep, I promise.
This isn't happening to me.
This is a nightmare.
Don't worry about it, sir.
( straining ) We're going out now, but only for a minute! Will there be any more bees? Oh, no, no, no, sir.
You shut your eyes now.
All gone, all gone.
Hey, guys, here they come.
Here they come.
They're coming, they're coming.
He's got Drake.
Oh, here they come.
Yes, Norm.
( cheering and applauding ) ( indistinct chatter )