Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Airport V

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Whoa, Cliffie, new Weekly Gabber I see, huh? Yeah, you betcha.
Look at this headline here.
"Suicidal Twin Kills Brother by Mistake.
" Oh, Cliff, you don't actually believe that pack of lies, do you? Well, Dr.
Crane, it just shows you how much you know about free press here in America.
I mean, uh, they can't print it unless it's the truth.
Well, granted, you know, some of these stories might be a bit exaggerated, but, uh, I guarantee you at the core of each is the kernel of truth.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Hey, hey.
Come here, fella.
Listen, I just won five bucks in the lottery.
Pass it on, will ya? Thanks a lot.
The truth has begun its journey now around the bar.
When it returns, it may be a little bit distorted, you know.
People will be saying I won $500, maybe $5,000, maybe five million dollars, but I guarantee you the essence of the message will be the truth.
Hey, Norm, get this.
Some geek brain's all jazzed because he just won five bucks.
( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Listen up, everyone.
One of the most influential reviewers in the city has been going around to different bars in the area reviewing them.
Need I say more? Yes.
Woody, in case he comes in here, I want everybody on his best behavior.
Aw, gee, does this mean we're going to have to cancel the midget tossing contest? Sam, please don't joke about this.
This really means a lot to me.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I'm sure we'll do great.
As long as the reviewer doesn't happen to be that SOB Murray Treadwell.
You remember him? Well, I'm not saying it is, but what if it were? Well, then you better kiss your butt good-bye.
Actually, that sounds more like a job for me, doesn't it? What's the matter with him? He's a hater.
The guy hates everybody.
I hate people like that.
He gave Cheers a really bad review a couple years ago.
Really bad.
I almost stopped coming here.
What did he say? A bar full of bores.
Yeah, oafish clientele.
Dumb lug of a bartender.
Well, we're under new management here.
A lot of things have changed.
Like what? We have ferns.
Didn't he say anything nice? Yes, as a matter of fact, he said the one saving grace was the refreshing lack of ferns.
You guys are just trying to rattle me.
With the changes I've instituted and with Carla locked in the storage closet, everything's going to be fine.
Hi, guys.
Oh, Carla, Eddie called and said he got a job as a penguin.
Great! Hey, did you hear that, everybody? My husband just hooked on with the Pittsburgh Penguins.
Hey, that's great.
Pittsburgh-- they're an up-and-coming club, huh? I'd say Eddie LeBec is on his way to becoming a legend.
Gee, Cliff, what a great thing to say, thanks.
I meant every word of it, Carla.
( clears throat ): Can Eddie get us tickets? You know, what I like best about that team What? is their uniforms.
I mean, the Penguin uniforms are far and away the coolest in the league.
Hey, everybody! Eddie? Who else could it be? Wow, Carla, are their home uniforms that neat-looking too? Hey, Carla, listen.
It's been breaking me up, you know, not being able to find work, not being able to support you and the kids.
It's like I was losing myself as a man.
Well, now, you know, I got a job.
Aren't you proud of me? Eddie, take off your beak.
This is a joke, right? You're with Pittsburgh.
Pittsburgh? No, I'm with the Wonderful World of Ice.
You know, that big ice show.
They're hiring lots of hockey players like me.
Hey, at least you won't have to worry about renting a tux, Eddie.
( chuckling ) Yeah, what are they paying you, Ed? Seven, eight fish a day? Hey, you guys, knock it off.
He's got himself an honest job.
He gets paid.
He, um come on, help me out here, man.
All right, all right.
Can it, you clowns.
You know, a lot of people criticize hockey players.
They say they're wasting their time.
After their careers are over they're not prepared for anything.
Well, my Eddie just proved them wrong.
Thank you, Carla.
You walked around in public in that thing? I thought you'd get a kick out of it.
Listen, uh, Carla, I got to fly to Seattle tomorrow.
You can't fly in that thing, can you? No, Woody, I'm going on an airplane.
I know, I mean you're not going to fly in that thing, are you? Seattle? I just I can't believe you're going to be that far away.
It won't be that long.
Look, I'll call you every day.
Hey, maybe you want to come out and see me, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, well you know, it's really a long way, Eddie.
We'll talk about it tonight, okay? What do you want for dinner? I don't know.
I kind of got the urge for mackerel.
Gee, I'm sure going to miss you, Carla.
Well, who wouldn't? You know, not to be overly sentimental, but you're the best husband I ever had.
I'll see you, Carla.
Yeah, see ya Penguin.
I wonder where couples get those cute little names they call each other.
Well, soon.
Eddie, look, I just can't fly out of here.
Are you forgetting I got seven kids? Oh, right, eight.
Look, look, I'd love to talk to you some more, but Sam's calling me.
What? ( stamps ) Ow! Be right there, Sam.
Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow then, bye.
Hey, uh, Carla, I couldn't help but notice that Eddie calls you every single day asking you to go out there, and you just keep giving him the brush-off.
I mean, hey, what gives here, little lady? Drop it.
Or I'll set your face on fire and beat out the flames with your butt.
Well, does that satisfy your curiosity, Cliff? Totally.
But it does raise a series of other questions.
Hey, hey, hey.
That restaurant critic guy's here.
Where? Right over there, see? Oh, my God.
How do I look, Sam? You've got a little drool on the corner of your mouth there.
No, no, no, leave it.
I think I better go see what he wants.
No, relax.
Carla's got it.
Oh, my God! Carla, you don't mind, do you? Not at all.
When you're through, there's a table of six in the corner.
You're Murray Treadwell, aren't you? Yes, and you must be one of the Flying Wallendas.
No, I'm Rebecca Howe.
I'm the new manager here.
I hope you enjoy your visit here.
Oh, I'm sure I will.
Would you like a drink? That seems vaguely appropriate.
I'll get it.
You probably want something specific.
How about a vodka martini? Excellent choice.
Anything special? Stirred, shaken, two olives? A little sword? I'd like it today.
Coming right up.
Vodka martini for Mr.
Treadwell and make it snappy.
Oh, no, that's the one drink I don't know how to make.
Things seem to be going very well.
Yeah, just make sure he gets a napkin.
We only lost about a thousand points on that last time.
As if it would have really killed him to use the paper towels.
Thank you, Sam.
Here you go, Mr.
Notice the cocktail napkin.
There's plenty more where that one came from.
Mm, very nice.
Yes, we make a good martini here.
Oh, that, too.
Very sweet of you.
Do you have any questions about Cheers? Actually, I do.
But, unfortunately, I'm running a little bit late.
Would you, by any chance be free for dinner tonight? Dinner? Yes, it's the third meal of the day.
We could find somewhere nice and quiet where we wouldn't be disturbed.
Uh I don't know.
You know, the more time you and I spend together, the happier I think you'll be with the review.
Will you excuse me a minute? I just want to check my schedule.
He wants me to have dinner with him.
That means he expects something for a good review.
I'll get the petty cash.
He wants me to compromise myself.
Honey, we all do.
Why do I even talk to you? I'm not going to make a big deal of this.
It's just going to be another business dinner.
That's all.
Everything will be fine.
Listen to me.
If, uh, one thing should lead to another tonight and you wake up in the morning and find out you done something you wish you hadn't, I just want you to know, I'd love to take you out tomorrow night.
So I stand by my original review, "the Hungry Heifer is a trough.
" Okay, fine.
But listen, if you can find a better 25-ounce steak for $1.
99, pal, you just let me know, all right? I'd be happy to have dinner with you tonight.
Great, I'll pick you up at 7:00.
I'll see you then, Mr.
Please, call me Murray.
All right, all right, sure thing, Eddie.
Okay, listen, break a wing.
( chuckles ) I know, I know, I know, you hate those jokes.
Listen, just keep a stiff upper beak.
( laughs ) I'm sorry.
All right, bye-bye, bye-bye.
Oh, heck.
That was your husband on the phone there, Carla.
Why was he calling you? Well, he's upset.
He wanted me to ask you, find out why, you know, you won't go see him.
How can I, Sam? I can't afford a plane ticket to Seattle.
Well, now I could loan you the money.
But who could get the time off? If it's for the sake of your marriage, I'm sure we could work something out.
If you'd like to take a leave of absence for say, a year, that would be fine.
I-I really, I don't know why everybody thinks I could just pick myself up and go.
I got two newborn babies.
Take them.
Tykes fly free.
Yeah, usually in the seat right next to me.
Look, I can't go, so let's just drop it, okay? Geez.
Just came up for a drink order.
Carla, Eddie's afraid that you're ashamed of him.
Well, I'm not.
Well, tell him.
Don't tell me.
I will! The minute he gets back.
You're not afraid to fly, are you, Carla? Me? Afraid to fly? Me? ( laughing ) ( cackling ) ( maniacal laughter ) ( laughing ) Well, it must be something.
( laughing ) I am not afraid to fly.
I'm not! I'm afraid to crash.
MAN: Did you have a bad experience? Yes, I did! First time in an airplane.
It was on my honeymoon with Nick.
We're going to New York-- short flight, no problem, right? Well, suddenly, the plane hits turbulence, right? Me and Nick were thrown all around that bathroom.
I haven't flown since.
Sweetheart, that was just one time.
I mean, look at me.
When I was playing ball, I must have flown and I don't remember anything happening.
'Cause you were always drunk.
Damn right.
Good afternoon.
Oh, hey, Frasier.
You're just the man I'm looking for here.
You looking for my camaraderie, Sam, or do you want some free psychiatric advice? Uh that free thing there.
Come on.
What do you say, Carla? Oh, no way, Sam.
I like my head this size.
Just keep him away from me.
He's the only shrink we know.
Oh, stop, Sam.
You're embarrassing me.
What's the problem? Well, Carla wants to visit Eddie on the West Coast, but she's afraid to fly.
Well, do you mean, by afraid to fly, what? Um she's claustrophobic, agoraphobic, or acrophobic? Death-o-phobic.
Well, you know, Carla, I've done a lot of reading lately about fear of flying.
I've always wanted to conduct a workshop for people with your problem.
I'm sure I could scare up a few people like you.
Oh, no pun intended.
None noticed, I am sure.
No way, Frasier.
I am not going to wind up in your office, strapped to some table with electricity shot through my head.
Carla, that's not part of the therapy.
Oh, yeah? What about Diane? Now, look.
I never treated Diane with any kind of shock inducement.
Of course, now I wish I had.
No, no.
The key to this therapy, you see, is, uh desensitization.
Over a period of sessions, we slowly break down your fears until you're ready to get on a plane.
And, at the end, we all take an actual flight.
Yeah? Well, fly this, Orville.
( phone ringing ) Cheers.
EDDIE: Hey, Sam.
Oh, hey, Eddie.
Long time no hear.
How you doing? Oh, the show? It's okay.
It's kind of a hockey players' reunion.
Did you talk to her, Sam? I mean, what did she say? No, listen.
The problem, Eddie, is not that she's afraid to see you.
It's that she's afraid to fly.
Carla, afraid? Carla's not afraid of anything, Sam.
See, that's just an excuse.
I mean, she's ashamed of me.
You know something? It's just not working.
I'm going to quit.
No, wait.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Listen, he's so sure you're ashamed of him that he wants to quit.
Really? Yes.
Give me this phone.
Eddie? I'm coming to see you.
I'll be there in about a week.
Really? Aw, gee, Carla.
I got the biggest smile you ever saw on my face.
I wish you could see me.
Eddie? Before we take off, I'd like to commend you.
It's been an intense week, but here we are, finally, at the end of our journey.
Or should I say, perhaps the beginning of the end of our journey.
I guess we're all set.
Let's get this show on the road.
Crane, uh I I hope you don't mind.
I brought along a little Saint Christopher's medal.
Well, no.
If that helps you, that's fine.
Oh, great.
Anybody else want one? Now, now, Carla.
All religious artifacts must be stored either below the seat in front of you or in the overhead bin.
There, now.
Isn't this fun? Huh? Now we're going to take off in a few minutes, so what should we all be doing? People? Well, we should be focusing on our happy place.
That place where we most like to be where we're most relaxed.
Can you see it? Excuse me, sir.
We'll be taking off shortly.
Would you please sit down? Oh, yes, of course.
Just a moment.
All right, now, you're in your happy place.
Hmm? You're at peace with the world.
( engines roaring ) Oh, God.
Now, just stay in your happy place.
If it's the beach, just imagine that that sound is the gentle rippling of the water.
Carla, where's your happy place? On the floor of my stomach, clutching the earth with both hands.
Good! Oh! Uh Dr.
Crane I've forgotten where my happy place is.
I think yours was in the Berkshires.
Oh, yes.
Mine is in the Berkshires.
Look, everybody can be in the Berkshires if they like.
The Berkshires is an expansive and wonderful wooded wonderland.
That's going to go up like a Roman candle when this baby crashes into it! MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, we've been cleared for takeoff.
So please, sit back, relax.
Thanks for flying with us.
Did he say, "Thanks for dying with us"? Just relax.
I'll be sitting right here beside you.
If you're a little nervous, go ahead and grab on to me.
Afternoon, everybody.
MEN: Norm! Norm! Norm! What's the story, Mr.
Peterson? "Bobbsey Twins Go to the Brewery.
" Let's just cut to the happy ending.
Uh-oh! We got the Cheers review today.
Oh, God! Here it comes.
Well, at least you'll all know I didn't compromise myself.
And that we probably got a horrendous review and I'll get fired.
I can still look at myself in the mirror and say, "Would it have killed you?" "Hurrah, hurrah for Cheers, the best bar in Boston.
" Oh, you slept with him.
I did not.
"Warm, inviting, a delight from top to bottom.
" The bar or you? I did not sleep with him.
Oh, stop it.
I think I respect you more now than I ever did.
I did not sleep with him.
You just have a filthy mind.
Nobody else in here thinks that, so just shut up.
How was he? I did not sleep with him.
( phone ringing ) Yeah.
As a matter of fact, she is.
Hold on one second.
It's your boss.
Did you happen to catch our remarkable review? Good? Oh, it was fantastic.
We're all very proud.
Yeah, well, you know, we work pretty hard No! I did not sleep with him.
Good air in and the bad air out.
That's good.
Nice, easy breathing.
Now, there.
Don't you all feel better? ( plane creaks ) Now, now.
Remember what we learned.
Meow, meow, meow.
ALL: Meow, meow, meow.
Meow, meow, meow.
That's just a little kitty cat.
C-A-T: Clear Air Turbulence.
Now now that you're all relaxed, we can take this opportunity to, uh well, further discuss the irrationality of our fears.
Anyone? II I just wish I had more control.
I think I'd feel better if I were flying the plane.
Trust me.
That doesn't help.
How do you know? I was a pilot for this airline.
You were? I was flying a jumbo jet-- full plane-- and it occurred to me that all these people had their lives in the hands of someone like me.
I couldn't go up again.
Forget the pilot! What about those mechanics, huh? I mean, what if one of those guys has a bad day? Forgets to screw in a lug nut? Carla, they're trained technicians.
Aren't they in a labor dispute? Yes, but it's almost over.
Well, what happens if we get hit by lightning? Oh, now, I'm sure the plane is designed to handle that.
Or if a teeny, tiny little bird gets in the engine? God! What bird would be flying at 30,000 feet? We're at 30,000 feet? This plane is too heavy to be up that high! If anything happens, we're all just going to drop like spit off the Prudential Building.
Carla, now you're being silly.
Listen, statistics prove that this is The hell with statistics.
Does the words "ice on the wings" mean anything to you? Oh, that is simply the sun glinting off the wings.
Does that look like ice to you? ALL: Meow, meow, meow.
Meow, meow, meow.
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
Will you stop that incessant caterwauling? Meow, meow, meow.
Why aren't they serving drinks? Hey, Fras, you okay? I'm fine.
You look a little green.
I'm perfectly all right.
Where is that damn cocktail cart? What was that? What? That pinging noise.
I heard it.
I heard a ping, a ping, ping.
What, have you all gone deaf or something? Hey, hey, ease up.
Do you feel cold air rushing in here? No.
My God! There's a leak in the fuselage! Calm down, Frasier.
Oh, God, look! It's the wings! They're flapping around like a wounded duck! We're all gonna die! Frasier! You're not in your happy place.
What do you mean? In a grave? We're going down! We're going down! I got to get out of here! Mommy! Mommy! Frasier! Honest, Eddie.
I'm flying out tomorrow night.
Frasier's class taught me how stupid it was to be afraid of flying.
Oh, me, too.
I can't wait to get you alone, strip you out of that penguin outfit, and climb all over ya.
We're sharing a room with the three little pigs? Well, they're used to huffing and puffing.
All right.
See you then.
Sam, you don't really think Miss Howe would do anything she shouldn't have to get a good review, do you? No, Of course not.
Then why do you keep teasing her? Well, haven't you ever noticed how her chest kind of heaves when she's angry? I always avert my eyes.
You're kidding me.
I'm a leg man.
Excuse me, miss? I couldn't help but overhear your conversation.
I've had a fear of flying for years, and I think it's time that I confronted it.
How can I get into that class that worked miracles for you? I can do better than that.
The doctor's over there.
Hey, Fras? I'm in my happy place.
Sign up early.