Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Backseat Becky, Up Front

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Yeah, it's just a hop, skip and a jump from the office to the Ginza.
Look who just slithered in.
The carpet cobras, featuring Evan "The Snake" Drake.
SAM: I'm all right.
How are you? Rebecca, I've got to use the phone here.
Oh, you're a phone person, too? So am I.
Isn't it amazing how much we have in common? Thanks.
You know that Drake guy? He's probably the kind of bloke that has his knuckle hair removed with electrolysis.
Yeah, he's probably got one of those electronic zappers that he uses to forestall his receding hairline.
And I bet ya, I bet ya a dime to a donut that he has his loofa and he rubs himself raw to get rid of his cellulite.
Well, it was in last month's Soldier of Fortune, okay? ( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Oh.
Oh! Sam, listen.
Don't you find it interesting that of all the fine restaurants in Boston to dine, that Evans should repeatedly dine at Melville's right upstairs from where I can be found every day of the week? No, no.
But I do find it interesting that your button's undone there, and your bra has a little bow in the middle.
So, uh, what, you think the big guy's finally coming around, huh? No, he's in there using my phone.
Can't you see? Since his divorce became final, he uses all of his spare time to be around me.
He is in my office right now sitting in my chair, his lips just inches from the mouthpiece that I use every day.
You're right.
I'm an idiot.
Excuse me.
Rebecca, can we talk? Excuse me, Sam.
I'm being beckoned.
Listen, if-if this is what you think it is, can I give you some advice? What? If you're going to make an ass of yourself, take it outside.
I'm not going to make an ass of myself.
All right.
I was just getting it out of my system.
You wanted to talk to me, Mr.
Drake? Yes, yes, yes, I do, Rebecca.
Let's sit down here, okay? Thank you.
Well, this conversation is long overdue.
I couldn't agree more, with all my heart.
You don't know what I'm going to say.
Oh well, I agree again.
Something something very exciting is happening to me.
It's going to change my whole life.
It's a huge risk.
Take it! Take it! I'm moving to Tokyo.
I'm going to take over the Japanese division.
I leave tonight.
Yes, darling, yes! ( groans ) I told her to take that outside.
I don't believe it.
Everything was going so well.
Then everything went so black.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Women faint all the time.
Well, in cartoons, they do.
Do you think he noticed? Yes, yes, I-I think he did.
He, uh, he said that every time he sees you, you do something more bizarre than the time before.
What did you say? Well, honey, I had to agree.
He is leaving for Japan tonight forever, and I never got to tell him how I feel.
Well, hey No, wait.
You know, listen, why don't you tell him at the good-bye party? What good-bye party? The one you're gonna throw for him tonight.
Listen, it's a great idea.
I'll make it a a Japanese theme.
Yeah, yeah, we'll have chips and cheese.
Sam, I will never have Mr.
Drake.
I will never have any man.
I will just dry up, crumble into dust and blow away.
Oh, come on.
That doesn't sound like you.
That sounds like some lovesick self-pitying, whiny No, that's you all right.
But I'm not gonna let you give up.
What do you care? What does anybody care? Listen, I pride myself in being a connoisseur of beautiful babes, and I'll tell you.
I'm not gonna sit by and watch a great woman like you going to waste.
It's like, a a thoroughbred pulling a milk wagon.
It's like a rare wine pulling a milk wagon.
Sam, I can't tell him.
Oh, please, please, do this for me, will you? I've been watching this sappy movie for God knows how long.
I want to see if the girl gets the guy.
If only once I'd ever had any little bit of encouragement from him.
Some teeny, tiny shred of evidence that he even knew I existed.
Well, now, he-he did express some concern while you were out cold there.
Oh, yeah, I bet.
What'd he say? Gee, I-I hope she's not dead.
He did? Oh, God.
And all this time I thought maybe I was kidding myself.
for he's a jolly good fellow That nobody can deny.
( applause ) That's a perfect illustration of life's bitter irony, isn't it? Oh, how's that, Cliff? I mean, would you pass the beer nuts? There's a guy like Drake It's a fabulous job Hey, it's time to make your move.
Come on, he's had a couple of drinks.
His resistance is down.
He's feeling all warm, sentimental.
Hell, I think I'll tell him I love him.
All right, all right.
( low crowd chatter ) Mr.
Drake? Hello, Rebecca.
Hi.
You're not gonna faint, are you? Oh, no.
No, I'm fine.
I just thought that this might be a good opportunity to tell you something that I've wanted to tell you for a long time.
Miss Howe, may I speak with you for a moment, please? Carla, can't it wait? I don't think so.
It's kind of a woman's problem.
Ah, leave those to the experts.
But I What? What? What? Look, look, look, I wouldn't have butted in, but I know that tonight is your last chance to tell the boss you got a case of the screaming thigh sweats for him.
How did you know that? Woody put out a special edition of the newsletter.
Why didn't I just write it on the bathroom wall? I'm way ahead of you.
Anyway, look, I've been down this road a few times myself, and take it from a pro, there is one thing you always have to do before you tell a guy you love him.
What's that? Lose the mustache.
Uh, Mr.
Drake, there's something that I Evan.
Yes? We're really gonna miss your carpet.
Yeah, you take care.
Anyway, Mr.
Drake, there's something I've wanted to tell you a long time There you go, Mr.
Drake.
Hmm? Oh, thank you, thank you, Woody.
( laughs ) DRAKE: Damn.
I changed all my American money into yen.
I don't have a tip for you.
I'm sorry, Woody.
Oh, that's okay, Mr.
Drake.
I don't need a tip from you.
Okay.
Cheap, cheap, cheap.
Mr.
Drake, as I was about to tell you Hey, hold on, hold on Woody, Woody, come here a second.
I've got these company courtside tickets to the Celtics-Lakers game.
Will you take those in lieu of a tip? Huh? Yes, sir.
I-I hope you'll forget about that cheap crack.
What cheap crack? You're a prince.
( Drake mutters ) Anyway, Mr.
Drake, um, I've wanted to tell you something for a really long time.
Mm-hmm.
Hold on there, you two.
Let's, let's get a picture.
Smile.
Ah! Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I just hate those flashbulbs, don't you, Mr.
Drake? Mr.
Drake? These are some USDA, uh, prime tickets here.
So, uh, who's going with you? Oh, gee, I don't know.
NORM: Well, I think the obvious choice would be me, Woody.
I mean, Cliff here is always making fun that, uh, you're a yokel.
Whereas, I completely ignore the fact that you're a yokel.
Mr.
Drake, I No.
Evan.
I'll call him Evan.
Evan I'm a man, you're a woman.
I No, no.
You get lucky? Oh! I'm sorry.
I The important thing, Mr.
Drake, is that ( man clearing throat ) I finally have you alone so I can tell you what I've wanted to tell you.
Pardon me, Mr.
Drake.
Excuse me.
But we're gonna have to leave now if you're gonna make your plane.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks, bud.
But Mr.
Drake, I've really got to tell you something important.
Uh, Rebecca, hold the thought.
Better yet, telex it, okay? Bye, Rebecca.
( sighs ) Hold that drink for me, babe.
Sweetheart, sweetheart, he He's gone, and you got to go on with your life now.
I mean, you got to pick up the pieces and-and start behaving like a mature person.
( glass shattering ) Well, now you're cookin'.
All right.
Excuse me.
Mr.
Drake seems to have forgotten his topcoat.
Tell him it's hanging on the coat rack.
Uh, I believe Mr.
Drake's, uh topcoat is in the topcoat closet.
Sam, I said to tell him No, no.
Uh, yes, we keep all of our executive topcoats in this closet right here.
It's, uh, way in the back there.
Way, way in the back.
Watch the hat there.
Watch the hat.
MAN: There do not appear to be any topcoats in here.
Oops.
My mistake.
Ooh! ( thudding ) CHAUFFEUR: Is there a light switch? Whoa, oh! Does anyone have a key here for this closet? I'm-I'm afraid we're gonna have to make a key there.
Can you hold on? Yeah, but be quick.
Oh, dear.
Martin seems to be locked in the closet there.
Does anyone know how to drive a limo around here? Well, I've driven a tractor.
It can't be that different.
No, Woody, when I said anyone, I meant Rebecca.
Well, in the future, Sam, you might try using a little something that's popular back in Indiana called "direct address.
" I'm I'm sorry.
Sam, forget it.
I'm going to let that man out of there.
Hey, don't give up.
Don't give up.
What do you want me to do? You want me to masquerade as a chauffeur, get him alone on the highway, and tell the man I want to have his babies? Martin, I'll be getting that key now.
I love you, Mr.
Drake.
There.
I said it.
I love you.
I love you more than anyone I've ever loved in my whole life.
I love you more than any woman's ever loved a man.
Mr.
Drake? Hello? Ow! Oh, God.
Rebecca? What are you doing up there? Where's Martin? Uh Martin got sick looking for your topcoat, sir, so I'll be driving you to the airport.
I appreciate that, if it's not too much trouble.
Uh anyway, now that I've got you alone here, Mr.
Drake, the real reason I'm filling in for Martin is so that I could tell you what I wanted to tell you all night.
What I've been trying to tell you since the first time I met you.
( horn honking ) Get off my tail, scuzzball! Mr.
Drake, with all my heart Could you turn right at the next corner here, Rebecca? We have to pick up Christy.
Oh, yes, sir.
Mr.
Drake, with all my heart Christy? Yes.
She's the young lady who is accompanying me to Japan.
"Accompanying" in the modern sense of the word? Yeah, you might say so.
She's a very special woman.
Very up front.
Aggressive, even.
( chuckles ) You know, the first time we met a few months ago, she was the one who actually asked me out.
God, that's refreshing.
Mm-hmm.
Ah.
Anyway you wanted to ask me something? Oh, yes, sir.
I just wanted to tell you that that this is really a lot of car to handle.
I can't believe I have the strength to keep from swerving into the oncoming traffic and killing us both.
Sammy? Yeah? You mind if I ask you a question? No, go ahead.
I've been trying to figure out your strategy.
Hmm.
You know, I've always admired you for being sort of a selfish, egotistical pig.
Why, thank you, Carla.
But suddenly, you're locking chauffeurs in closets, and giving going- away parties.
It's like you're bending over backwards to help Boss Howe score with Mega-Boss Drake.
Mm-hmm.
This kind of self-sacrifice isn't like you, and it's scaring me.
Please, please, tell me you have some sleazy ulterior motive.
Fear not, little one.
Aha.
( laughs ) So you don't think they're gonna make it.
I just wanted to bring this whole thing to a boil, so when it blows up, I can swoop in and gather up the pieces.
I call it my, uh, vulture position.
Sammy? Mm-hmm.
You've got Wessonality.
( laughs ) Thank you.
( phone rings ) Hey, hey, hey, huh? How about that? According to vulture time, I bet that's my, uh, wounded little sparrow right now.
Hello? Hi, Rebecca.
O-Okay.
Uh, can you hold one second, please? Quote: "Sam, I need your help.
" Unquote.
Yeah.
I'm-I'm taking off right now.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Why don't you go in and sit down there? Here you go.
There you go.
( groans ) Do you feel like you can talk about it yet? Thank you for bailing me out of jail.
Anytime.
Oh, God.
This has been the worst night of my life.
Oh.
Of anybody's life.
I pour out my heart and soul to the man I love, then he tells me he's taking someone else across the globe.
I hate guys like that.
And she's really cute, Sam.
Oh.
And they made out in the back seat.
And he didn't even roll up the window.
The man is a pig.
I tried not to look, but the rearview mirror was just huge, and I couldn't help it.
And then I got so upset, I just wrapped the company limo around a 7-Eleven.
Well, that is dreadful.
Very, very, very sad.
( sighs ) And then Evan and his cheap imitation Geisha bimbo whore grabbed a taxi.
While I had to stand there and wait for a tow truck.
Oh, and then this cop came along, and he asked me to see my chauffeur's license.
God, if only I'd had one.
Or if only I'd remembered to bring my purse with my own driver's license.
Or if only I'd resisted arrest and he just shot me dead.
( jazzy music blasts ) ( lowers volume ) Well maybe I ought to leave you alone now.
By yourself with some music with your depression alone.
Sam, can I offer you a cup of coffee or olives? I didn't have a chance to go to the grocery store.
I, um just kind of don't want to be alone right now.
Then you shouldn't be.
You need consolation now.
And warmth.
Lots and lots of warmth.
You know, Sam, I don't have anything sexual in mind.
I just need a shoulder to cry on.
Oh, honey, you cry on anything you want.
( sighs ) Gee, Sam what I needed right now was a friend.
Mmm.
And you're the best friend I have in the whole world.
( chuckling ): No, no.
No, you got plenty of friends.
What, girlfriends, maybe? Old college friends? No I've kind of grown apart from my old friends, and I haven't had a chance to make new ones with work and everything.
Well, that that just leaves Yeah, you.
I'm your best friend? ( clicks through teeth ) Crazy, huh? I really think I ought to go.
Sam, why? Hey, I like you.
I mean, there's not anything I wouldn't do for you in the world, but I-I know what's gonna happen if I stay here.
You're going to cry some more, and I'll comfort you some more, and the next thing you know, uh, your pantyhose will be hanging from the lamp.
Sam, please, don't go.
Hey, I can't be trusted.
Trust me.
Le-Let me just leave here now as a friend, please? Oh, I'm sorry, I Listen.
I want to try this.
For the sake of our friendship, I am just gonna resist my sexual urges, and that's all there is to it.
Now, come here.
There.
( clears throat ) All right.
All right, now ( weepy ): You know that I loved Evan Drake since the first time I met him.
I'm sorry, this is not working.
Hot fire below.
( sighs ) ( phone ringing ) Hello.
Hi.
Listen, if this is what it takes to be a friend, then I really want to give it a shot, okay? So we've got all evening here.
Pour your heart out.
Where are you? I'm downstairs at a pay phone.
( clears throat ) But just, uh, pretend like I'm right there beside you, all right? Thanks, Sam.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Well ( weepy ): as you know, I have loved Evan Drake since the first time I saw him.
I know.
Sam, this is silly.
Get up here.
No Sam, you know what I've been through.
You're not going to take advantage of me.
Oh, yeah? Do me a favor, will you? Check your bra.
How did you do that?