Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Swear to God

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Woods, refill, please.
Yeah, sure.
Whatever you want.
Hey, hey, hey.
Why so down in the mouth there, bud? Well, I'm understudying another play, and I know I'm never gonna get to go on, because the star never gets sick.
But, darn it, the part is perfect for me.
Yeah? What is that part? Moses.
My theater group is doing an original play, An Evening With the Prophets.
I got more lines than any of the other Israelites.
( chuckles ) But I managed to jam them all in, right up here.
Yeah, your head looks packed, all right.
Go on, test me.
Give me a cue.
All right.
( muttering ) Well, what's the first line? "And I have said I will bring you up "out of the affliction of Egypt "under the land of the Canaanites "and the Hittites, and the Amorites "and the Parasites, and the Hivites.
" Wait, wait, wa-wa-wait.
What, uh, what happened to the Cellulites? NORM: They, uh, settled in the land of Vera.
( laughing ): Did you hear what he said? ( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be Where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go Where everybody knows your name.
Here we go.
Thank you.
Boy, what a day.
Yeah? Yeah, I can't wait for it to end.
All I can think about is getting home and jumping into bed.
Need anybody to break your fall? Hi.
Sam Malone.
Suzanne Porter.
How do you do? Sam, you done picking up on this lady? ( clears throat ) Not quite, Woody.
Well, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but, uh, Denise called.
Oh, Denise.
Who's Denise? Um uh, my brother's kid.
Uh, Denise.
Yeah, I have to say hi to her, and De-nephew.
( both laughing ) Very smooth, Sam.
Very funny.
Uh, so who's this Denise? Aw, she was somebody we had quite a thing going there a while ago.
And then we both realized that sex wasn't anything to base a relationship on, so six months later, we broke up.
NORM: Uh-huh.
Yeah, she must be quite a dish if you're willing to pass up on door number one over there.
Well, it's kind of like avocados.
One of them's ripe, and ready to be squashed into guacamole.
And the other one needs to stay on the shelf a little while longer.
( both laughing ) WOODY: Well, anyway, call her back-- she says it's urgent.
Ah, with the accent on "urge," huh? Hmm! Actually, you know, I think, uh, this is a call I should return in person.
Aw, Sam! Whoa, hey! Where are you going? Uh, to my niece's house.
Her grandma's sick.
If it's your niece's grandma, wouldn't that be your mother? My mom's sick? Oh, my God! Excuse me.
Why don't you stick around for a little while? My mom bounces right back.
Hey, Sam, hey, uh, back from the Denise decathlon, huh? ( Cliff chuckles ) Got a, uh, another gold medal in the "broad" jump? You know, you got a big mouth, Clavin.
Hey, he happens to be right, you know.
Yeah, it's a genetic quirk in the, uh, Clavin family that we all have two extra teeth.
Yeah, you see, that's the only way that we can prove that we are the rightful heirs to the Russian throne.
Hello in there, Cliff.
Tell me what color is the sky in your world? What's wrong? Carla, I just want to be left alone for a while, all right? You got it.
Thank you.
Hey, everybody, Sam wants to be left alone! Okay, Sammy, spill your guts.
What's the matter? Carla, I just said that I-I want Yeah, but you're gonna end up telling me eventually, so you might as well get it over with.
Go on, make you feel better.
Just keep this to yourself.
Remember how I went over to Denise's house? Well, she she didn't invite me over for a good time.
She wanted to show me something.
What? My child.
Seven pounds, ten ounces, a baby boy.
( laughs ) ( laughing continues ) What's so funny? ( laughing continues ) Sam Malone finally got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
( laughs ) Carla, come on.
This is serious.
Oh, of course it is, Sam.
But I really think you're gonna be okay, you know? Yeah? Just remember this.
This little piggy went to market ( laughing ) Would you? This is not funny.
I'm sorry.
You sure it's yours? No, it's between me and another guy.
But the kid's a real looker, so, you know, you figure it out.
So when are you gonna find out, Dad? Soon.
I mean, she dragged me down to a lab to have a blood test.
Well, what's the big deal, you know? You can just do what all the other jerks do.
You pay a little money for support, and you get off the hook.
No, Carla, it means a lot more to me than that.
I'm telling you, if this, if this kid is mine, then then I want to see that he's fed, that he's clothed, and that he's educated.
You know, I'm-I'm gonna take him to, to Little League games, too.
I'm gonna be the best damn father you've ever seen.
Please don't let him be mine! Oh! Oh! I tell you, if I get out of this, I swear to God, I am through fooling around forever.
Sam, don't swear to God.
No, I mean it, I mean it, if I get out of this, I swear to God, I'll never have sex again.
You? Never? Yeah, not ever.
I mean, for the rest Well, three months, three months.
Well, I guess the amount of sex you have in three months is what most people have in a lifetime.
If they're attractive, I guess.
You have a phone call from Denise.
( sighs ) Oh, and Carla, you know that, uh, pitcher of beer you left on your tray? Some guy from table six came and drank it.
We don't have a table six.
I knew I should have said table five.
Oh, hi, Denise.
Um, what'd the doctor say? Oh, thank God, oh, thank God! Oh, thank God! Oh! Oh, I'm so happy.
Well, I'm so happy for the other guy.
Congratulations, huh? All right, we-well, I'll call you some other time then, all right? Bye-bye.
Doctor, Sam? Uh, yeah, uh, Denise and I and this, uh, other guy share the same doctor and she just wanted to let me know that he had gotten some new magazines in the waiting room.
You lucky dog! Must be the Sports Illustrated "Swimsuit Issue.
" Say, uh Suzanne, uh what do you say, you want to help me celebrate here? I'd love to.
What are we celebrating? I have no idea, but whatever it is we're overdressed.
( Carla clears throat ): Sam? Yeah? Uh, Sam, aren't you forgetting something? I know, I know, I'm gonna drop by the old drug store.
Don't worry, I learned my lesson.
Could you wait just? What? Does the name "God" ring a bell? Yeah? The guy you made a vow to? Oh.
Yeah, boy, I almost forgot about that.
Uh it's no big thing.
"No big thing"? Come on, God's a sport.
People make promises like that all the time, but if God had to collect on all of them, He wouldn't have any time to create natural wonders like that, for instance.
I'll see you Oh, boy.
Give me a minute here.
CARLA: Listen, Sammy, I don't want to tell you how to run your life, but I want to tell you this: don't mess with God.
Look at all the people in the Bible who did.
The entire population of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Lot's wife-- turned into a salt lick with boobs.
Come on, what What's He gonna do-- reach down from the clouds and snatch me up? You know, you Halt, infidel! Hey, sorry, Sam.
Uh, I was just at an understudy rehearsal.
I thought you might get a kick out of my costume.
( panting ): You ought to warn people before you go around pretending to be God.
You thought I was God? Thanks.
I was only trying to be Moses.
Hey, guys, he thought I was God! Sam, can we go now? Yeah, you bet.
No, no, Sam! He has sent His messenger.
Me? What messenger? That is just Woody.
You think it's a coincidence that Woody came in just at that very moment dressed as Moses? I mean, of all the plays he could have been in, Sammy.
He could have been dressed as Auntie Mame.
Would that have scared you? Yeah, a little.
Let's face it, Sam, that was a warning, and you'd better take heed.
Oh, come on, what's He gonna do? Well, my cousin Tino Yeah? swore he'd give up meat.
That night, he ate a burger.
The next day, his teeth fell out.
Oh, come on, Carla.
There's no connection here.
I swore I would not have sex, so ( shudders ) Listen, I-I-I'm not really in the mood anymore.
Why not? Carla's cousin Tino's teeth fell out.
Yeah, well, maybe some other time.
Uh Why don't you give me a call? Yeah.
I-I don't have your number.
Oh are you satisfied, God's Little Helper? Oh, listen, Sam.
Uh, in the interest of authenticity, you think there's anyway I can sound less like God and more like Moses? Yeah, stop going around scaring people.
That's good.
That's good, now, how 'bout the voice? Now sit down.
Now how can I be of help? Well, I would like your advice, Father.
Actually, it's for a friend of mine.
He, uh got himself into kind of a bind, and so, in desperation, promised God he'd give up something.
And what did he promise to give up? Sweets.
I see.
( chuckles ) Yeah but my friend really likes sweets a lot.
You know, and sweets like him a lot.
And he hasn't had sweets now for about two weeks, and if he doesn't have sweets soon, he's gonna explode.
I see, and God's contractual obligation was to get your friend out of this bind you spoke of.
Yes, sir.
Which He did.
Well, then, what is the problem? Well, m-my friend was wondering what the penalty would be if he, say you know, had a huge box of chocolates.
Sam, I think this is between you and your God.
Yeah, right.
Oh, how did How'd you know it was me? In all the years people have been coming here for their friends, I have never met one of their friends.
Oh, well, yeah, as long as I'm busted, I guess I might as well tell you the truth here.
I-I didn't promise to give up sweets.
I promised to give up sex.
Ah that is a tough one.
You know, Sam, the Church does recommend chastity to unmarried people.
( chuckles ) Oh, I'm sorry.
You were serious.
Uh How do you do that? I mean, what do you do? How do you not? I mean, a-are there special tricks, or a certain way of sitting, maybe? Well, yes, but we are strictly forbidden to reveal it.
You're kidding.
You know, Sam, I think you're looking for someone to tell you it's all right to break your vow, but I can't do that.
You know, I've found that people who come here looking for answers usually know what the answer is, and I think you do, too.
Yeah, maybe.
Well, thank you.
Oh Oh, no, no, no.
SAM: Carla, Carla? Oh, great.
I think I got it.
God's gonna have to accept this one.
"With the Lord, one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years is as one day.
" So? So that means I've been out of action for 21,000 years.
Come on, that's got to be good enough for Him.
You know, Sam, I-I'd like to agree with you-- ( sighs ) since you're so pathetic it's annoying-- but no sale.
All right, all right, I still got Deuteronomy here.
Don't look, Sammy.
Temptation at 12:00.
Oh Oh Oh, God.
Man, they're coming in waves.
( phone ringing ) Cheers.
Yeah, this is him.
You're kidding.
Moses has an ear infection.
Yeah, all right.
I'll be right there.
So, Woody, they gonna let you go on? Uh, no, I got to stop by the drugstore and pick up some antibiotics.
So, believe it or not, I've given up sex entirely.
But you got to promise not to tell anybody.
Well, Sam, confidentiality is the bedrock of my profession.
Besides, who'd believe me? You were saying? Well, I was just wondering what you think I ought to do.
Well, you need to find another outlet for your sexual energies.
For example, during six painfully frustrating months of my adolescence, I built a submarine in our basement.
One of those little plastic models? No, life-size.
Slept six.
The happiest hours of my youth were spent down there in the dark shouting, "Fire one.
Fire two.
" Well, enough about me.
Let's address this problem, Sam.
Well, I don't know anything about submarines.
Well, surely you have other interests.
Sports, sailing, music? Well, yeah, I had a piano lesson once.
Actually, I had the piano teacher and it was twice, but I liked it.
Well, I'll tell you.
If you were to sit down at the piano today and channel your energies into it, you would find all your sexual tensions pouring out through your fingertips.
Yeah, fingertips.
Yeah, right.
And best of all, Sam, no matter how badly you perform, a piano never laughs.
Never stomps out of the room and refuses to let you play again for three days.
Well, I'm off to Lilith.
( yawning ): Sam? Would you please lock up? Uh, yeah.
I'm going home to bed.
Okay, good night.
Did you hear me? I said I'm going to go to bed.
Well, I hope you, uh, get a good night's sleep.
Thank you.
Carla, I just left myself wide open for one of Sam's sleazy remarks, and nothing.
I mean, not that I want to, but what does it mean when you can't turn on the horniest guy that ever lived? I am really getting old.
Oh, Rebecca, would you stop being ridiculous? You're still a young, beautiful, vibrant woman with her whole life ahead of her.
Oh, you're just saying that.
Yes, I am.
I was taught to humor old folks.
Carla, I ca I can't take this anymore.
I mean, I tried everything.
I've stopped eating oysters, I'm taking cold showers, I even started stuffing ice in my pockets.
I tell you, I'm not going to make it.
Oh, Sammy, buck up.
You only have nine more weeks to go.
I'm talking about tonight.
Guess who? Uh-oh.
I'll give you a hint.
Vermont ski lodge, a roaring fire, and baby oil.
Uh could you, uh, be more specific? Gravity boots.
Oh, Rachel Patterson.
( laughs ) Oh, look Hi, Sam, how are you? Oh, boy.
I tell you, honey, you're the last person in the world I want to see right now.
Nice to see you, too.
Uh Listen, I have got an 18-hour layover, and I'm not the least bit sleepy.
How'd you like to help me kill some time? Listen, what, um Actually, I hear, uh, movies are good for that kind of thing.
Why don't you, uh, why don't you take in about two or three right in a row, there? I know-- smell.
I'm wearing that perfume that always drove you so crazy.
Oh, Devastation, huh? Uh Actually, I got this, uh, this head cold.
Uh, I wouldn't want you to catch it.
Um, I'm sorry, uh what do you say, some other time, huh? Well, okay.
Oh, Sam? Yeah? A friend of mine snapped this of me on a beach in Ipanema.
I thought you might like a copy.
Would you excuse me just for a minute here? Look at this! I mean, this is not fair.
I mean, I'm going for it.
It's-it's not like I'm murdering anybody.
I-I'm just going to bring a great deal of pleasure to two people.
So, if in Your, uh, infinite wisdom, You feel You have to smite me down, then please make it quick and painless.
And if You could give me about three hours, I'd appreciate it.
Sam? ( sniffing ) Devastation.
The hound is loose.
Please, go easy on him.
Sammy, now you've done it.
There's nothing in your future but frogs and locusts.
Why'd you have to go and do it, Sammy? I didn't do it.
What? I didn't do it.
We went to the hotel, she got into bed, I got into bed with her.
Then I was folding up my socks, and I was You fold up your socks? Sure.
I'm not an animal.
Anyway, all of a sudden, for no reason, I went over and I, and I opened the nightstand drawer.
And there it was, staring right up at me.
The Bible.
Can you imagine that-- a Bible in a hotel room? So, we we got out of there real quick, and we got another room, and there it was again.
I mean, we we went from hotel to hotel, and it just followed us wherever we went.
Then it dawned on me.
This was a bona fide miracle.
God was speaking to me directly through hotel nightstands.
He works in mysterious ways.
Excuse me, Sam, but, uh in all the years you played baseball, traveling throughout the country, all the hotel rooms you stayed in, didn't you ever once notice? Uh, Frasier, Sam was just telling us about a miracle that affected him very deeply.
Now, what was it that you were noticing? Well, th-they always put those little strips of paper across the toilets.
Just an observation.
Sammy, I'm so proud of you.
( chuckling ): Yeah.
If you could hold out last night, you can make it the whole three months.
Sam, I'm late for a party.
Can you help me with this zipper? Sam? Sam? Sam? Sam? Sam! Piano.
Piano, Sam.
For God's sake, piano! Carla? ( playing "Chopsticks" )