Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Adventures in Housesitting

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
It's amazing what they're making for kids nowadays.
What? Here's an ad for a toy where you make a monster, then drop him in a vat of acid and boil the skin off his bones.
Oh, boy, Norm.
When we were kids, we had real toys to play with.
Remember? Oh, you're damn straight.
You know, I was up in my attic the other day.
Yeah? Found my old Lionel train set.
Oh, now there is a toy.
Remember the hours you spent sticking those tracks together? Getting the little houses just so, and making sure those tunnels were all straight.
Smelling the electricity burn up that transformer.
Hey, hey.
Did you ever have one of those electric cattle cars where the cows come vibrating down the chute? I can move 40 head in ten minutes, pal.
Go on! Get out of here.
You get out of here! I could, too.
I got to get rid of that thing though.
It's taking up lots of space.
I want to sell it.
Yeah, yeah.
You'd get a good price for it, I bet you.
It's a collector's item.
Shoot a little stick? Yeah, yeah.
I'm the engineer! Like hell you are! It's my train! It's my train! Hey! ( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Sam, give me a double.
CARLA: A little early for that, huh, Doc? Well, maybe you're right.
Cancel that double.
Make it a single.
Oh, skip it altogether.
No, on second thought, you know, make it a single, a little extra nip.
Frasier, what's your order? Cup of coffee.
You got troubles? Well, I've I've just been invited to deliver a paper at the State Psychiatric Convention this week, and I've got a first-class case of the jitters.
You know, I have a a sure-fire way of keeping yourself calm.
Picture your audience naked.
Oh, thank you, Carla, for that old chestnut from Speech 101.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I got a twist on it.
Picture them naked and wearing black socks.
Oh, Carla, that's ridiculous.
I can't see that that would I told you.
It works.
Okay, now try this angle.
( laughing ) Now shut up.
You know, I do see your point though.
That could do just the trick.
Thank you, Carla.
Oh! Here comes a likely candidate.
Try it out on her.
Hello, Dr.
Miss Howe.
It doesn't work with everyone.
Miss Howe, I have a message for you.
Sheridan is having lunch up in Melville's, and he's gonna be coming down to talk to you when he's through.
Oh, great.
Another one of the legions of presidents, vice presidents and consultants this corporation belches forth every five minutes.
Boy, it seems like you have to be a real loser not to be at least a vice president in that company, doesn't it? I'm sorry.
He is undoubtedly here to ask me some humiliating, menial favor that he couldn't palm off on some other flunky.
You know, today I draw the line.
Today, this gal is going to shoot down her first corporate bigwig.
Oh, please.
The first time you try to stand up to this guy, you're going to crumble like a bag of potato chips.
Oh, yeah, Mr.
Smart Guy? Yeah.
Watch me.
I'm watching you.
Oh, Miss Howe.
I'd like to ask you a favor.
I see.
I'm going to New York on a business trip for a few days, and I'd like you to take care of my dog while I'm away.
Well, I'm sorry, Mr.
Sheridan, but I have plans for the entire week, and I could not possibly break them.
I hope you understand.
That's fine.
I realize this is short notice.
Thanks, anyway.
My plans could be changed.
Please, sir, let let me do this for you.
Well, if you don't think it would be any trouble.
Thank you, Miss Howe.
Oh, no, sir.
Thank you for the opportunity of knowing your dog.
God, I make myself sick! ( chuckling ) ( chuckling ) What'll it be, Dr.
Crane? The usual.
( laughing ) What's so funny? ( laughing ) ( Woody laughing ) ( laughing ) ( both laughing ) What's so funny? It's a private joke, Sam.
SAM: Hey, there, Rebecca.
How do you like living with Sheridan's pooch? Sir Bronwyn the Gallant from Fairhaven Manor, better known as Buster, is fine.
I, on the other hand, am a nervous wreck.
What's the matter, Rebecca? Well, I knew I was going to have to take care of the dog, but I didn't know it was going to be in a place that was huge and kind of like a mausoleum and is stuck way out in the middle of the moors.
There are no moors in Massachusetts.
I think they had them flown in or something.
The point is, this place is big and scary and I really hate it.
Oh, and to make matters even worse, last night, the only thing I could get on television was this movie about this young, beautiful, dark-haired woman, that was all alone in this deserted house.
Hey, what about that scene where the guy cuts her head off? Woody, please.
There's no way her head's gonna come off in one clean cut like that.
Believe me, I've seen my uncle butcher hogs, and you have to hack and hack and hack.
And when the gardener got it? Woody, that's enough! All right.
Don't spoil the ending for everybody else.
Yeah, but when you see it, take my advice and turn away when you hear, vrooom-mm-mm-mm! Vrooom-mm-mm-mm! Woody! Woody.
I am just a tiny bit on edge.
Sorry, Miss Howe.
( whirring ) Stop it, Woody! Some bar manager, afraid of a blender.
Let me see here.
Rebecca Howe, all alone and scared in a big old house.
Sounds to me like a job for Sammy's Security Company.
We get in before the burglars do.
That's what I like about you, Sam.
Your pants are always thinking.
Frasier, darling.
Hello, there, Peanut Butter Cup.
You know, you're late for lunch.
Yes, I know.
I'm sorry.
Well, I'm sure you have a very good excuse.
Well, actually, I do.
I started having lunch at another restaurant, then remembered we had a date.
Well, would you like to watch me eat? I wouldn't miss it.
( laughing ) What's so funny? Oh, it's nothing, really.
It's just this relaxation exercise I've been doing.
I've been imagining people naked and wearing black socks, you see, to relieve my anxiety over my speech.
Frankly, it's worked miracles.
I've been doing it all week.
I haven't even thought about it once.
When do you present that? My, God.
( rustling ) Buster, did you hear that? Calm down.
Probably wasn't anything.
It was probably just a tree branch against the window.
Or Leatherface.
Oh, God! Oh, God! ( thumping ) Oh, God, Buster.
He's at the front door.
( Buster whines ) Good dog.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
( screams ) Oh, God! How in the hell did you get in here? Well, you left the back door open.
I just followed some guy carrying a meat hook.
That is real funny, Sam.
You almost gave me a heart attack.
I'm I'm sorry.
It's all right.
I'm here now.
It wasn't funny.
I'm sorry.
I have to admit, I'm glad you are here.
When the lights went out, and the storm came, I started getting scared to death.
What happened to that $10,000 champion watchdog? He's hiding in the kitchen.
Oh, God! I can't seem to calm down.
My heart's just beating so fast.
Oh, yes, it is.
Sam, get your hand away from that.
I was doing pretty good till the lights went out.
Then this house really started giving me the creeps.
Oh, well, hey don't worry.
I've got some candles here.
You brought your own candles? Well, yeah.
This kind of thing happens in big, old, spooky houses a lot.
I like to be prepared.
Sammy carries whatever he needs.
Sam, did you come out here because you were concerned I was scared, or did you come out here to get me in the sack? Hey, I came out here because I was concerned and scared that I'd never get you in the sack.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
You know, Sam, I really am glad you're here.
It makes me feel a lot better.
But a man and a woman can be together in an evening without ending up rolling on the floor.
Well, I know that's true of some people, but, sweetheart, we're good-looking.
Sam What? Sit down here a minute.
I want to tell you something.
Now, believe this or not-- even good-looking people can spend an evening together without having sex.
Have you ever heard of conversation? Yeah, I've heard of conversation.
You know, contrary to what a lot of people think, I'm not that dumb.
Here, come on.
Try me.
Sit down.
Let's conversate.
Okay, so what do you want to talk about? Sex.
You know, sex is obviously the only thing on your mind, so forget it.
I'm going to bed.
Oh, that's good with me.
I am going to bed alone.
If you want to stay here, you sleep on the couch.
Oh, come on.
I can sleep on a couch at my place.
Go sleep on your couch.
All right.
If that's what you want.
I'll leave you all alone in this big, old scary house.
Hoo! I'm moving the table.
Don't pull a muscle.
I'm serious.
I'm moving the chair.
You're breaking my heart.
I got my hand on the doorknob.
I'm opening the door.
Sam, don't! I knew it.
Pajama time! Not you! The dog! What? Buster!? Buster!? Whoo! Boy, can that sucker haul.
He's gone! Well, hey, don't worry about it.
He's a hearty breed.
Speaking of breeding Are you crazy? There's a champion dog, and I'm responsible for him.
If it takes me all night, I'm going to find that mutt.
Buster!? Oh, hell.
Oh! Might as well turn the electricity back on.
So, please, i-if you find him, you've got this number.
Okay, thank you.
( doorbell rings ) Please, please, please, let it be somebody that found him.
Did anybody find the dog? Listen, little lady, we're not looking for Aunt Fannie's amethyst pendant here.
This is a highly organized search party.
We're gonna conduct this debriefing by the numbers.
All right.
Alpha Sector report.
Bravo Sector? Negative.
Charlie Sector? Shut up, Cliff.
( phone rings ) Hello? Yes, Mr.
Wow, you know, Norm, I-I can't get over this place.
I think I'll do something like this with my living room.
What are you talking about? You live in and your bed folds out of a couch.
You're gonna what? Wha All right, sir.
Oh, God, he came home early.
He's on his way home from the airport! All right, men, I suggest we fall back to our original positions.
What are you talking about? To the bar! Back to the bar! Yes, sir! Right away, sir! ( voice breaking ): Well, I guess I deserve this.
I'm always doing stupid favors for everybody.
( crying ): I guess it finally caught up with me.
No, no, don't do that, please.
I hate it when you cry.
( sobbing ) All right, all right, all right.
Look, wait, wait, wait, come on.
I'll tell Sheridan it was all my fault, all right? Fine.
Wait up, guys! That's great.
Really nice.
Oh, God! What is it? A car.
It's Sheridan; we're doomed.
( doorbell rings ) ( sighs ) Uh Woody! You found him! Ah.
Oh, God, I don't know who to kiss first! Well, I just had a breath mint.
Buster! Hey, man, way to go.
Where'd you find him? Oh, at an auto wrecking yard.
What were you doing there? Just browsing.
Oh, Buster, Buster, good old Buster.
Oh, no, that's not Buster, that's Satan.
What? SAM: Who? I was brushing the snow off of the hubcaps, and I saw Satan here chewing through a tire, and I thought you know, he looks just like that picture of Buster.
So I borrowed him, in case we don't find the other dog.
Woody, take him to the kitchen.
I only hope we can fool Sheridan with this flea bag.
He's no flea bag, Miss Howe.
He's a trained attack dog.
Come on, sweetheart.
( phone rings ) An attack dog? He brings an attack dog into this house? Come on, his heart's in the right place.
Hello? Oh, God, you found him? Hm? Oh, that's wonderful.
Give me your address.
Okay, I'll come and get him right now.
A neighbor at the end of the road found him.
Here's the address.
You go get him.
I'm on my way.
Woody? Bring Satan out here, please.
Woody, we found Buster.
You can take Satan back to the junkyard.
But, Miss Howe, he hasn't finished his snack yet.
I gave him something out of the refrigerator.
Well, actually, he opened the door and took it, but I got out of the way.
Woody, whatever.
J-Just take him out of here.
Go, go, hurry.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Sheridan's here.
He just drove up.
Woody, cancel that.
Sam Yeah? Uh, y-you go around the back way and get Buster.
All right? Woody, you take Satan into the kitchen and get him some kibble.
We hope that Sam gets back in time with Buster, so we don't have to use him, but if he doesn't get back in time with Buster, then we have to convince Sheridan that Satan is Buster, until Sam gets back and we can switch Buster for Satan.
Or I could just put steak sauce on my throat and let Satan chow down.
Uh, I understand everything perfectly, Miss Howe.
Come on, Sam, let's get your kibble.
( both laughing ) I was just kidding, Miss Howe.
I'm back.
Where's my big boy? Where's my Buster? What, no hello? No description of the trip? No slides? I finished early so I caught a late flight.
( whistles ): Here, boy! Where are you, boy? Here, Buster! He is, um He's sleeping in the kitchen.
That's right.
Miss Howe, who's this man? This man? He's Woody.
He's my boyfriend.
Wow, Miss Howe.
Your boyfriend calls you Miss Howe? I was his teacher.
I got real lonely, a-and I thought I'd call him over here for company.
I hope you don't mind.
No, of course not.
Now, listen, I'm very tired.
I just want to say hi to my dog and then go to bed.
So if you don't mind.
You want us to leave? He wants us to leave, Woody.
Great! How about a burger and a movie? Then we can go someplace and park.
Later! First, I'd like to stand here and have a little chat with Mr.
Sheridan about his trip.
Not now.
I want to see Buster.
No, Mr.
Sheridan! Yes, Miss Howe.
Come on, Buster, let's wrestle! Woody, we can't let him do this.
Well, don't worry, Miss Howe.
He won't attack unless he hears the command word, "Cochise.
" Cochise? Well, he's never gonna say that.
Or unless he provokes him.
( vicious growling ) SHERIDAN: Take that, big boy.
I got your tail now, I got your tail! Hey, it worked-- he thinks that's his dog.
Yeah, right.
If he lives, we fooled him.
Sammy to the rescue! Sam, get that mutt out of here! What? Sheridan's in the kitchen with Satan! This is no time for folk singing.
Oh, oh, oh! Well what are we gonna do? All right, go out the front, sneak around the back.
I'll try to divert Sheridan's attention while you make the switch.
But remember, they look exactly alike.
All right, all right.
Come on, boy, come on.
Boy, Buster's frisky.
( chuckles ) I was playing "get my thumb," and he was practically bouncing off the ceiling.
Well, I bet he was just so glad to have you back.
Well, I'm gonna feed him now, Miss Howe.
No, I already fed him.
We ordered out.
( dogs growling, barking ) That sounds like two dogs in there.
Sheridan, there's something that I've been wanting to ask you.
Is this a bowling trophy? No, it's my late wife's ashes.
She was a good-sized woman.
Excuse me, I want to see to Buster.
Mission accomplished.
I made the switch.
Satan's in the car.
Oh Well, there was only Buster in there.
Good! Well, I'll be going.
Bye-bye! Good night.
Miss Howe! Who's that man? Uh, I'm her boyfriend.
That's right.
He's my boyfriend.
Miss Howe, we have to talk.
Look at him.
You're not so tough when you're not running around loose, are ya? ( Cliff chuckles ) ( blabbering ) I wouldn't do that if I were you, Cliff.
If you look very closely, you'll see he has several tiny little mailbags notched on his leash.
Yeah, oh, yeah, I'm real scared, Norm.
( chuckles ): Look at me shake.
( blabbering ) Woody, I thought you were gonna return the hound from hell.
Oh, the guy's coming for him tomorrow.
Unless, of course, you'd like to reconsider and keep him as our mascot.
That's exactly what this bar needs: a loaded weapon that goes off when you say the word, C-O-C-H-I-S-E.
Great! Spelled it right.
Greetings, all.
SAM: Hey, Doc.
Oh, there's a sturdy fellow.
Hello, boy.
What's this? "Don't say 'Cochise' to this dog.
" Woody, he didn't attack.
No, he didn't.
Maybe he didn't hear the attack word.
Frasier? Cochise! Cochise.
Cochise, Cochise.
REBECCA: This is Buster! I thought you were gonna make the switch! Well, I did, but they were tearing at each other, and it got confusing.
I was trying to separate them and protect my goodies at the same time.
Hey, if this isn't Satan, then Satan is Chewing the spleen out of Mr.
All right, Sam, hand me the phone.
Woody, come around here and untie Buster.
I've got to call Mr.
Sheridan and warn him.
We've got to make another switch.
This is Rebecca Howe.
Yes, I need to speak to Mr.
Sheridan, please.
I don't care if he's asleep! Wake him up, this is an emergency.
Well, all right, would you please just go upstairs and tell the man not to say the word "Cochise" around his dog.
Well, wait-- I just remembered the attack word isn't "Cochise," it's that other Indian name.
( laughs ): Woody, what other Indian name? There are a million other Indian names, my friend.
There's, uh, Crazy Horse, Sitting Bull, Pocahontas, Geronimo.
( vicious barking ) ( yells ) WOODY: That's it! CLIFF: Go away! Go away! Hey, he's got Mr.
Clavin trapped in the men's room.
That's okay-- we can use the one up at Melville's.
Oh, hey, hey, it's okay, I got the, uh I got the number of that guy from the auto wrecking yard.
I can call him and get the counter-command.
I'll do it.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Sorry, I have the wrong number.
Hello? Hi.
I'm calling for Woody.
We need the counter-command for Satan.
CLIFF: Get out of here, you beast from hell! ( vicious growling ) Okay, thanks.
Did you get it? Yeah.
Well, what is it? ( Cliff groaning in pain ) Good night, everyone! ( vicious barking ) Good night, everyone! Satan! Good night, everyone! ( barking continues ) It doesn't work.
( barking continues )