Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Two Faces of Norm

(male narrator) CHEERS IS FILMED BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
HI, EVERYBODY.
SORRY I'M LATE.
I WAS AT ANOTHER BUSINESS SEMINAR.
THIS ONE WAS ALL ABOUT ACCENTUATING THE POSITIVE AND ALL YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH BY FOCUSING ON THE GOOD INSTEAD OF THE BAD.
YEAH, HOW WAS IT? THE WORST.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I LIKE THE IDEA OF POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT IN THE WORKPLACE.
SO I'M GONNA GIVE IT A SHOT.
MAN, YOU'VE GOTTA BE A REAL MORON TO BUY THAT LOAD OF CRAP.
WAY TO SPEAK OUT, CARLA.
OH! WAY TO POUR THAT BEER, WOODY! WAY TO RUN UP THAT TAB, NORM.
WAY TO-- I, UH-- I GOT A NEW HAIRCUT.
NO.
MY, UH, THUMBNAIL GREW BACK.
NO.
BUT JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE TIME.
[stammering] WAIT! I THINK I GOT IT.
NAH, EVERYBODY'S GOT A PULSE.
WAY TO MAKE A DORK OUT OF YOURSELF, CLAVIN.
WAY TO NAIL HIM, CARLA! SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME AND THEY'RE ALWAYS GLAD YOU CAME YOU WANNA BE WHERE YOU CAN SEE OUR TROUBLES ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANNA GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME [people chattering] IS, UH, SAM MALONE HERE? UH, HE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
CAN I GIVE HIM A MESSAGE? WELL, I WANT LET HIM KNOW RIGHT AWAY, I GOT HIS TEST RESULTS BACK.
I'M AFRAID HE HAS A SERIOUS BLOCKAGE.
OH, MY GOD, HIS HEART? NO, HIS FUEL LINE.
I'M SAM'S MECHANIC.
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S THE CORVETTE.
WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN HIS HEART? HI, GUYS.
HEY, GORDO, CAN I BUY YOU A BEER? UH, SAM.
AT THE RATE THAT I'M SAVING THE BUCKS, CHEERS IS GONNA BE MINE AGAIN IN A FEW SHORT MONTHS.
AND WHEN I'M RUNNIN' THIS PLACE, THINGS ARE GONNA BE DIFFERENT.
HOW? I'LL BE RUNNIN' THE PLACE.
SO, YOU REALLY BEEN SOCKING IT AWAY, HUH, SAM? YEAH, YEAH.
I WISH I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY DOLLAR I'VE SAVED.
JUST THIS WEEK BY, UH, SKIPPING LUNCHES, WORKIN' OVERTIME, AND HAVING SEX-ONLY DATES, I'VE MANAGED TO SAVE OVER $200.
OH, THIS MEANS, YOU ONLY OWE ME $130.
W-WHAT? MY RETAINER'S ALL GONE? WELL, I CAN'T BE TOO MAD AT THE GUY.
HE GAVE ME A RADIATOR FLUSH FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
SAM, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BUY THE BAR BACK AT THIS RATE.
WHAT CAN I DO? I'M TAPPED OUT BY THE TIME I PAY FOR GAS, AND TUNE-UPS, AND PHILIPE THE CHAMOIS BOY.
WHY DON'T YOU SELL THE CAR? [all gasping] IT'S JUST A CAR.
[gasping] [chuckling] HONEY LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU HERE.
WE'RE NOT TALKIN' ABOUT JUST A CAR.
WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT SAMMY'S VETTE.
THE STUD-MOBILE, THE BABE-CATCHER.
YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, WHERE WOULD SAM BE WITHOUT HIS CRUTCH? YOU KNOW, ALL THOSE YEARS, THOSE WOMEN WEREN'T MAKING LOVE TO YOU.
THEY WERE MAKING LOVE TO YOUR CAR.
NO, THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.
THEY WERE MAKING LOVE IN MY CAR.
REALLY? COME ON.
GIRLS DON'T GO OUT WITH ME JUST BECAUSE OF MY CAR.
THAT'S RIGHT.
ALL THE WOMEN IN BOSTON ARE JUST LINING UP TO GO OUT WITH SAM MALONE AND HIS BUS PASS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? NO, FORGET YOU.
I DON'T NEED THAT CAR TO CATCH BABES.
I COULD SELL THAT CAR TODAY IF I WANTED TO.
IN FACT, IF I DID, I'D HAVE A DOWN PAYMENT ON--ON CHEERS, HERE.
AND PRETTY SOON, I'D HAVE A ROOMFUL OF BABES.
AND WHERE THERE ARE BABES, THERE ARE GUYS BUYING DRINKS.
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, I'D BE ROLLIN' IN DOUGH.
PRETTY SOON I MIGHT EVEN BE ABLE TO AFFORD A CORVETTE.
THAT'S IT.
I'M SELLING THE SUCKER.
AFTERNOON, EVERYBODY.
(all) NORM! HEY, MR.
PETERSON.
GOT ROOM FOR BEER? NO, BUT I AM WILLING TO ADD ON.
(Cliff) SO, HEY, UH, NORMIE, SO, HOW'S BUSINESS GOIN'? LOUSY, CLIFFIE.
I'M SO DAMN BUSY PAINTING, I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO STOP IN HERE AND VISIT WITH MY BEST FRIEND.
I MISSED YOU, TOO, YOU BIG LUG.
WELL, ACTUALLY, CLIFFIE, I MEANT MR.
BEER.
SO, THE PAINTING BUSINESS IS THAT GOOD, HUH? TOO GOOD, WOODY.
LIKE TODAY I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN COULDN'T MAKE UP MY MIND.
SO WHAT DID YOU DO? AH, SKIPPED THEM BOTH.
CAME IN HERE.
I THINK I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST HIRE SOMEONE TO HELP YOU? RIGHT, NORM.
HIRE AN ASSISTANT.
YEAH? LOOK HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
IF YOU DOUBLE YOUR WORK FORCE, AND YOU DIVIDE TOTAL MAN HOURS IN HALF, THAT EQUALS A 50% WORK REDUCTION FOR YOU, AND PROFITS WILL GO UP PROPORTIONATELY.
[whooping] GOOD IDEA, WOODY.
YEAH, GOOD ONE, WOODMAN.
THANKS, GUYS.
WHAT ABOUT MY PART? WHAT PART WAS THAT? THE PART WHERE I TOOK WOODY'S VAGUE, INANE SEED OF AN IDEA, AND MADE IT BLOSSOM.
REMEMBER? OH, SHAME ON YOU, REBECCA.
TRYING TO BUMP WOODY OUT OF THE SPOTLIGHT.
ALL WOODY DID WAS SAY "GET HELP.
" I'M THE ONE THAT MADE IT WORK.
OH, IF YOU SAY SO.
I DID SAY SO.
I DON'T KNOW, WOODY.
I MEAN, UH, HOW WOULD I EVEN GET STARTED? W-W-WHERE CAN I FIND SOMEBODY WITH THE APPROPRIATE SKILLS? LOOK, IF YOU REALLY NEED SOME HELP, I COULD SURE USE THE WORK.
I DON'T KNOW, PAL.
I NEVER HIRED ANYBODY BEFORE, YOU KNOW.
FEEL KIND OF WEIRD ABOUT IT.
I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO ASK YOU.
WELL, WHILE YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT IT, CAN I BUY YOU A BEER? WELCOME ABOARD.
[sighing] OH, THERE YOU ARE.
I DID IT.
I PUT THE CORVETTE IN THE PAPER.
PRETTY SNAPPY, HUH? "FOR SALE: CORVETTE.
MEET CHICKS.
" I LIKE THAT.
HEY, NORM, I HEAR BUSINESS IS GOOD.
YEAH, I GUESS.
YOU GUESS? WORD IS YOU HIRED 3 NEW PEOPLE, AND YOU'RE SHUTTLING BETWEEN 2 JOBS.
JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU WHAT GOOD BUSINESS ADVICE IS WHEN IT COMES FROM A PROFESSIONAL.
REBECCA'S STILL TRYING TO TAKE CREDIT FOR WOODY'S IDEA, HUH? IT WAS MY IDEA.
OH, SURE, IT WAS, MISS HOWE.
YOU THOUGHT IT UP ALL BY YOURSELF.
YOU WERE SAYING, NORM? WELL, I--I JUST CAN'T GET USED TO BOSSING PEOPLE AROUND, YOU KNOW? CAN'T SEEM TO MAKE MY WORKERS DO THE THINGS THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO.
LIKE INCREASE THEIR PRODUCTIVITY, EXCEED THEIR GOALS, SHOW UP.
YOU'RE NOT LETTING YOUR EMPLOYEES TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU, ARE YOU? YEAH, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT.
I MEAN, YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, THE GUYS DECIDE TO KNOCK OFF EARLY, AND JUST GO BOWLING.
[sighing] SO WHAT'D YOU DO? I BROKE 200.
HEY, ALL RIGHT! THANK YOU.
PERSONAL HIGH.
IT WAS GREAT.
OH, MR.
P.
[clicking tongue] THAT'S VERY IRRESPONSIBLE, NORM.
AS THE BOSS, YOU HAVE TO SHOW THESE PEOPLE AN EXAMPLE.
YEAH, I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT, WOODY.
BUT I--I CANNOT BE ONE OF THESE HARD-NOSED BOSSES, OK? I MEAN, I'VE HAD BOSSES LIKE THAT.
I HATE THOSE GUYS.
BEING IN CHARGE IS NOT A POPULARITY CONTEST.
(Rebecca) YOU ARE NOT IN BUSINESS TO GET PEOPLE TO LIKE YOU.
NOW, I DON'T GET WHY YOU WOULD CARE WHAT YOUR EMPLOYEES THINK.
I DON'T CARE.
OBVIOUSLY NOT.
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? NOTHING.
NO.
YOU ALREADY SAID IT.
DON'T JUST LEAVE ME DANGLING.
I MEAN, I DO HAVE FEELINGS, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I'M SORRY.
WE LIKE YOU.
REALLY? THANK YOU.
YEAH, IT'S NOT LIKE I'M A TOTAL WASHOUT AS A BOSS.
I MEAN, YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, FOR EXAMPLE, AFTER WE, UH, WENT BOWLING, I REALLY LAID DOWN THE LAW WITH MY GUYS.
I SAID IF WE'RE GONNA GET ANYWHERE AS A COMPANY, WE'VE GOTTA REALLY BUCKLE DOWN.
BUT, UH, I THINK I MAY HAVE TO LEAN ON THEM A LITTLE BIT HARDER.
HOW COME? THAT'S THEM COMING OUT OF THE POOL ROOM.
NORM! HEY, GUYS, LOOK WHO IT IS.
HEY! HOW'S IT GOIN', MR.
200? HEY, COME ON, COME ON.
HEY, GET THESE GUYS A DRINK.
HEY, HEY, NORM, WE'RE GONNA GO WATCH THE SECRETARIES WALK OUT OF THE PRUDENTIAL BUILDING.
WANNA COME? IT'S WINDY.
ALL RIGHT! [all chattering] WE'VE GOT NORM.
LET'S GO.
HEY, WHOA, WHOA, FELLAS.
SHOULDN'T WE BE OVER AT SHANNON'S, YOU KNOW, PAINTING? I DON'T WANNA BE A SLAVE DRIVER OR ANYTHING.
BUT, UH, I THOUGHT MAYBE WE'D GET ON THAT 2ND COAT TODAY, HUH? [laughing] NO, NO.
I MEAN, WE DID GET THE FIRST COAT, DIDN'T WE? [Rudy laughing] DAMN! I CANNOT BELIEVE THOSE GUYS ARE GOIN' OFF TO THE PRUDENTIAL BUILDING RIGHT NOW.
THEY'RE REALLY A BUNCH OF GOOF-OFFS, AREN'T THEY? I'LL TELL YOU, MAN, EVERYBODY KNOWS THE HANCOCK BUILDING IS PANTYHOSE HEAVEN.
THE WIND WHIPS UP IS THERE A SAM MALONE HERE? YEAH, SPEAKING.
I'M DENNIS HAMMILL.
I'M HERE ABOUT THE CORVETTE.
GREAT.
DENNIS, HAVE A SEAT RIGHT THERE.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT.
WHOA, SLOW DOWN THERE.
SLOW DOWN.
FIRST WE HAVE TO LEARN A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOU HERE, DENNIS.
ABOUT ME? YEAH.
YEAH, YOU SEE, MATCHING A CORVETTE WITH THE RIGHT OWNER, DENNIS, IS KIND OF LIKE FINDIN' A HOME FOR AN ANIMAL.
EXCEPT AN ANIMAL'S JUST AN ANIMAL, AND WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT A CORVETTE.
OK, BUT I'M KIND OF PRESSED FOR TIME.
I'VE GOTTA GET TO MY HAIR STYLIST.
GOOD.
GOOD.
OH, YEAH, VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.
HAIR STYLIST.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, THIS WILL BE PRETTY SIMPLE HERE.
JUST A FEW, UH, MULTIPLE-CHOICE QUESTIONS.
GREAT.
SHOOT.
NUMBER ONE: IT'S HIGH NOON.
YOU'RE DRIVING IN HARVARD SQUARE.
PARKING'S LIMITED.
DO YOU, A: PARK IN A HANDICAPPED ZONE, B: PARK IN A REGULAR SPOT UNDER A TREE, C: DRIVE AROUND TILL A SPACE OPENS UP? "C.
" WHAT, ARE YOU NUTS? CAN'T BELIEVE IT, MAN! IT'S A TRICK QUESTION.
YOU DON'T DRIVE THIS BABY AT HIGH NOON, MAN! SUN DAMAGE, BUCKO! WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? OXIDIZE THE PAINT? GET OUT OF HERE! YOU MAKE ME SICK! CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
HE WANTS TO DRIVE MY CAR, AT HIGH NOON, IN HARVARD SQUARE.
DAMN! IT'S STILL BUSY.
HOW CAN THOSE GUYS BE ON THE PHONE ALL DAY? THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PAINTING.
YOU KNOW, IN THE FUTURE, UH, TELEPHONES WILL BE OBSOLETE.
YEAH? YEAH, ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
SEE, PEOPLE WILL COMMUNICATE TELEKINETICALLY USING PART OF THEIR BRAIN KNOWN AS THE CEREBRAL CORTEX THAT, UH, IS HERETOFORE UNTAPPED.
MAY I? YEAH.
BEEN TAPPED NOW.
[phone ringing] CHEERS.
OH, YEAH.
FOR YOU.
HELLO.
RUDY, RUDY.
YES.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET AHOLD OF YOU ALL AFTERNOON.
LOOK, MAN, I GOT-- YOU'RE KIDDING.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT! HEY, YOU GUYS! MY CREW JUST WON GREAT SEATS FOR THE PATRIOTS GAME.
THEY'VE BEEN ON THE PHONE ALL AFTERNOON WITH THE W.
G.
A.
Z.
HEY, THAT'S FANTASTIC, RUDS.
UH, LISTEN, RUDY, MAN, UH, NOT TO, UH, RANDOMLY CHANGE TOPICS, OR ANYTHING, BUT, UH, YOU GUYS GET ANY WORK DONE TODAY? [people chattering] UH-HUH.
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I SUPPOSE THAT AREA BY THE PHONE NEEDED ABOUT YEAH, JUST KEEP IT UP.
AH, I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LISTENED TO REBECCA.
LET'S FACE IT, MAN.
I AM INCAPABLE OF BOSSING ANYBODY AROUND.
I WISH I COULD HIRE SOMEBODY ELSE TO BE THE DAMN TOUGH GUY.
NO, NO.
I MEAN, YOUR SITUATION PUTS ME IN MIND OF A WONDERFUL PLAY BY BERTOLT BRECHT.
YEAH? YES.
IT'S ABOUT A POOR PUT-UPON WOMAN WHO, SIMILAR TO YOU, IS HAVING TROUBLE DEALING WITH THE PEOPLE THAT ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HER.
OH, WHAT'D SHE DO? WELL, SHE DEVELOPED AN ENTIRELY NEW AND DIFFERENT PERSONALITY TO HANDLE THESE PEOPLE.
IT'S SET IN THE ORIENT.
IT'S CALLED THE GOOD WOMAN OF SETZUAN.
MMM.
SOUNDS GOOD.
OH, YES, IT'S ONE OF BRECHT'S MASTERPIECES.
NO, I MEAN, CHINESE FOOD.
I KNOW A GREAT PLACE.
PHONE BOOK, WOODY? I DON'T KNOW WHY I TRY TO HAVE AN INTELLECTUAL CONVERSATION WITH THE 2 OF YOU.
ALL YOU EVER THINK ABOUT IS SAY, HOW'S THEIR KUNG PAO SHRIMP? NORM, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT? BEFORE YOU ORDER, I THINK YOU SHOULD GET YOUR BUSINESS IN ORDER.
NOW IT'S IMPORTANT, THAT YOU STRAIGHTEN OUT THIS EMPLOYEE DEAL BEFORE IT GOES ANY FURTHER.
DON'T YOU THINK, WOODY? WELL, IF YOU SAY SO, WOODY.
I'LL CALL THE GUYS BACK.
THIS BERTOLT BRECHT, DID HE WRITE ANY PLAYS ABOUT RIB JOINTS? HI, RUDY, RUDY, HI, IT'S NORM.
LISTEN, I'M AFRAID I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS ABOUT YOUR, UH, PATRIOTS GAME PLANS THIS WEEKEND.
UH, I THINK YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO KIND OF WORK.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
RELAX.
IT'S NOT ME.
IT'S MY NEW BUSINESS PARTNER.
THAT'S GOOD, GOOD.
NOW GIVE THE GUY A NAME.
MAKE IT AUTHENTIC.
UH, IT'S THIS GUY, MR.
KREITZER.
HE HAS THIS CRAZY IDEA, MAN, THAT YOU GUYS SHOULD, I DON'T KNOW, PAINT.
WHAT? HE WANTS TO TALK TO KREITZER.
HELP, FRASIER.
NO, NO, NO.
YOU DUG THE HOLE.
WOODY.
COME ON, YOU'RE AN ACTOR.
BE KREITZER, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT.
UH, WHERE AM I FROM? UH, PITTSBURGH.
OK.
NOW DID I COME FROM A HAPPY CHILDHOOD, OR AND WHY AM I ON THE PHONE AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE? OH, COME ON.
GIVE ME THE PHONE.
FORGET IT, FORGET IT, FORGET IT.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS KREITZER.
NOW LISTEN UP, YOU BUNCH OF GUTLESS, SNIVELING LITTLE WIMPS! I DON'T CARE WHAT PETERSON SAID! THAT LOWLIFE DOES NOT LAY DOWN THE RULES! HEY, HEY.
ANY MORE LIP OUT OF YOU AND I'LL RIP YOUR FACE OFF, AND STICK IT UP YOUR LUNCH BUCKET! [people chattering] THAT WAS KIND OF FUN.
I THINK MAYBE I OUGHT TO CALL VERA, HUH? WHAT DO YOU SAY? HEY, WHERE IS SAM? HE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HE JUST, UH, SOLD HIS VETTE, AND HE'S PICKIN' UP HIS NEW CAR.
OH, YEAH, WHAT DID HE GET? THE TURBO "Z"? TRANS AM? A VOLARE.
OH, POOR SAM.
YEAH.
HE JUST CALLED FROM THE USED CAR CIRCUS.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE RINGMASTER'S SPECIAL.
ANYWAYS, HE WAS REALLY A LITTLE DEPRESSED ABOUT IT, SO MAYBE WE JUST SHOULDN'T MENTION IT, ALL RIGHT.
OH, YEAH.
HI, GUYS.
(all) VOLARE OH, OH HEY, HEY, LISTEN.
YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME, JUST SAY IT.
(all) CANTARE OH, OH, OH, OH RUDY, RUDY, HEY, RUDY.
JUST RELAX, OK? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
GO AHEAD.
TAKE A 5-MINUTE BREAK FOR LUNCH.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU'RE HUNGRY, WE ALL HAVE TO EAT.
WE'RE ONLY HUMAN.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, IF KREITZER ASKS, I DID NOT SAY ANY OF THIS.
OH, I MUST SAY, THIS KREITZER STUFF IS GOING VERY, VERY WELL.
I TOLD THE GUYS THEY GOTTA WORK A FEW EXTRA NIGHTS NEXT WEEK, THEY DIDN'T EVEN SAY BOO.
I LOVE BEING KREITZER.
I DON'T HAVE TO PAINT ANYMORE, RIGHT? BUSINESS IS BOOMING.
I'VE HIRED A SECRETARY.
I'VE RENTED US OFFICES.
NORM, WHEN YOU SAY US YEAH.
WHO DO YOU MEAN? WELL, ME AND KREITZER.
WHEN YOU SAY KREITZER, WHO DO YOU MEAN? ME.
WHEN YOU SAY ME [chuckling] NO, FRASIER, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I'M NOT GOING CRAZY.
IT'S JUST A FRONT.
YOU SEE, MY--MY OFFICE DOOR ACTUALLY LEADS INTO AN OFFICE.
BUT KREITZER'S DOOR OPENS OUT TO THE BACK ALLEY WHERE THEY KEEP THE GARBAGE.
YEAH, WELL, BOTH OFFICES ARE FURNISHED ABOUT THE SAME.
HEY, NORMIE, HOW DID YOU THINK UP THAT NAME KREITZER? YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK THE SAME THING.
WHAT WAS HE, A BULLY BACK IN SCHOOL? A SADISTIC C.
O.
BACK IN THE COAST GUARD? AUTHORITY FIGURE WHO USED TO TORMENT YOU? NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S VERA'S MAIDEN NAME.
SAM, IS WHAT I HEARD TRUE? DID YOU GET A NEW FERRARI? NO, VOLARE.
OOH.
HEY, SAMMY IS STILL SAMMY.
BABES ARE STILL BABES.
AND I DON'T NEED A FANCY CAR TO CATCH THEM.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, WHEN I WAS PULLIN' UP HERE, THERE WERE A COUPLE OF TWINS WHO COULDN'T TAKE THEIR EYES OFF OF ME.
UH, FELLAS, TWINS AHOY.
HELLO, LOVELY LADIES.
CAN I HELP YOU? ARE YOU THE MAN WE JUST SAW GETTING OUT OF A VOLARE OUT FRONT? A LITTLE PASSION BEIGE NUMBER? COULD BE, COULD BE.
MY GOD, IT WAS HIM! AND HE ADMITTED IT! I WONDER WHO YOUR CORVETTE'S DATING TONIGHT.
I GOTTA GET MY CAR BACK.
HEY, NORM! RUDY! HEY, NORM, WE GOTTA TALK TO KREITZER.
NOW, WE AIN'T TAKIN' HIS CRAP ANYMORE.
WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER, FELLAS? OH, MAN, IT'S EVERYTHING.
WE HAD TO GIVE UP THOSE FOOTBALL TICKETS.
WE HAVE TO WORK WEEKENDS.
NOW HE WANTS US TO WORK NIGHTS, TOO.
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE.
THE THING WE HATE MOST IS THE WAY HE'S TREATIN' YOU.
FELLAS, LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.
UH, I'LL GIVE THE GUY A CALL, OK.
AND I'LL SEE IF I CAN GET HIM TO EASE UP ON THE HOURS A LITTLE BIT.
IT'S ALL I CAN DO.
YEAH, OK.
THANKS, NORM.
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, JUST BECAUSE WE'RE OUT THERE STANDING IN THAT HOT SUN ALL DAY, BREATHIN' TURPENTINE FUMES, YOU KNOW, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE [people chattering] SHEESH! FORGOT WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.
HECK! IT DOESN'T MATTER.
WELL, SEE YOU LATER, NORM.
OK, COME ON, LET'S GO.
(Frasier) YOU KNOW, NORM, YOU MIGHT BEAR IN MIND THAT YOU CAN BE PUSHING THESE GUYS A BIT TOO FAR.
COME ON, FRASIER, THE KEY TO BEING A GOOD EXECUTIVE IS KNOWING WHEN TO BE FIRM AND WHEN TO BE FAIR.
UH, NORM? YEAH? LOOK, THE GUYS AND I DECIDED YOU DON'T HAVE A SPINE, SO WE'RE JUST GONNA TO KREITZER'S OFFICE AND BASH HIS SKULL IN.
I'M DEAD.
I'M ABSOLUTELY DEAD.
I THINK THERE'S A LITTLE LESSON TO BE LEARNED HERE.
YOU'VE ALLOWED THE EVIL SIDE OF YOUR NATURE TO RISE UP, AND NOW IT THREATENS TO DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU'VE BUILT.
LET IT GO NO FARTHER.
TIME HAS COME TO REJECT YOUR DARKER SELF.
WELL, THANK YOU, OBI-WAN KENOBI.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
I JUST GOT TO GO OVER THERE AND DUMP KREITZER ALTOGETHER.
I JUST HOPE I CAN BEAT THOSE GUYS OVER THERE.
UM, MY VOLARE'S RIGHT OUTSIDE.
I'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT.
I LOVE YOU, SAMMY.
CONGRATULATIONS, SAM.
I SEE YOU FINALLY GOT YOURSELF A DATE.
I GOT TO GET MY CAR BACK.
THANK GOD.
SAMMY, YOU MADE GREAT TIME.
WHOA.
YEAH, IT'S AMAZING HOW FAST YOU CAN GO WHEN YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR CAR.
DORIS.
HI.
DORIS, HI.
ANYBODY BEEN HERE TO SEE MR.
KREITZER? OH, NO.
MR.
KREITZER'S LEFT ME VERY SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS.
HE IS NOT TO BE DISTURBED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
[chuckling] GREAT.
MR.
KREITZER'S VERY DEMANDING.
DORIS, HONEY.
HASN'T IT EVER, UH, STRUCK YOU THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE MAN? ALL I KNOW IS, THIS IS THE BEST JOB I'VE EVER HAD.
I MEAN, SURE MR.
KREITZER CHEWS ME OUT ON THE PHONE NOW AND THEN, BUT I DESERVE IT.
ACTUALLY, I WAS HOPING YOU WERE MR.
KREITZER.
ACTUALLY, UH, DORIS, I'M DOING A LITTLE RESEARCH HERE.
AS A WOMAN, WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE WHO DRIVES A VOLARE? ARE YOU KIDDING? I DRIVE ONE MYSELF.
IT USED TO BE MY MOTHER'S.
I GOTTA GET MY CAR BACK.
WHOA, WHOA! ALL RIGHT, WHERE IS HE? YEAH.
WHERE'S KREITZER? CALM DOWN, FELLAS.
YEAH.
JUST LET ME GET A COUPLE OF MINUTES WITH HIM.
OK? I'M SURE HE'LL LISTEN TO REASON.
OK? HE'LL LISTEN TO REASON AFTER I KILL HIM A FEW TIMES.
MR.
KREITZER'S GIVEN ME VERY SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS.
HE'S NOT TO BE DISTURBED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
RIGHT, DORIS.
I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY, OK? BUT I HAVE SOME INSTRUCTIONS.
JUST GIVE ME OK.
HE WILL BE MINE.
I'M--I'M SO VERY SORRY, SIR! PETERSON, YOU CLUMSY OX! YOU JUST KICKED OVER A MACINTOSH-8000 C.
X.
! (Norm) LOOK, I'M REALLY SORRY, SIR.
SIR, WE HAVE A BIG PROBLEM ON OUR HANDS.
THE CREW IS JUST READY TO REVOLT, SIR.
AND I'M TELLING YOU, I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU ABUSE MY GUYS WITH PERSONAL INSULTS.
YOUR BUTT'S TOO BIG! NOW, SIR, THAT IS JUST THE KIND OF STUFF I'M TALKIN' ABOUT, OK.
(Norm) ALL RIGHT, SIR, I'M GONNA HAVE TO QUIT AND I'M TAKING MY CREW WITH ME.
PETERSON, YOU CAN'T DO THAT! OH, DON'T BEG, ANTON.
IT DOESN'T BECOME YOU.
[sighing] WAY TO GO, NORM.
ALL RIGHT, FELLAS.
JEEZ, NORM, YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT.
WHAT? NOW YOU'VE REALLY UPSET HIM.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WE DON'T NEED HIM.
YOU CAN WORK FOR ME.
NORM, LOOK.
NO OFFENSE.
YOU'RE A NICE GUY, BUT YOU'RE NOT BOSS MATERIAL.
HEY, EVERYBODY KNOWS MR.
KREITZER WAS THE BRAINS BEHIND EVERYTHING.
CAN YOU CALL HIM LATER AND TELL HIM WE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS? DON'T WORRY.
I'LL MAKE SURE HE GETS A MESSAGE.
FELLAS, COME BACK HERE! WAIT A MINUTE! HEY.
ALL RIGHT, FINE! GO AHEAD! WHO NEEDS YOU? [sighing] THANK YOU, DORIS.
SAMMY.
YEAH? THINK MY BUTT'S TOO BIG? NO.
HELLO.
THIS IS ANTON KREITZER! I'M CALLING ABOUT THE CORVETTE YOU BOUGHT FROM A MR.
SAM MALONE! YEAH, WELL, GIVE IT BACK RIGHT NOW! NO, NO, NO.
COME ON, NO, NO.
DON'T HANG UP, DON'T HANG UP.
PLEASE.
IT'S NOT KREITZER, IT'S SAM.
I WANT MY CAR BACK.
PLEASE? LISTEN, I I'M HAVING SELLER'S REMORSE.
UH, I-- LISTEN, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
UH--UH, I'LL PAY YOU $500 MORE THAN YOU BOUGHT IT FOR.
ALL RIGHT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I'LL PAY YOU $1,000 MORE THAN YOU BOUGHT IT FOR.
EXCUSE ME, SAM.
CAN YOU HOLD ON JUST A SECOND, PLEASE? AS A TRAINED PSYCHIATRIST, AND WELL-VERSED IN THE ART OF HUMAN PERSUASION, I THINK I CAN HANDLE THIS FOR YOU.
LILITH, DAMN IT! GIVE SAM HIS CAR BACK IMMEDIATELY! THERE.
I'VE BEEN GETTING TIRED OF THOSE SPEEDING TICKETS.
HEY, RUDS! LOOK, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU A MINUTE.
HEY, I KNEW YOU GUYS WOULDN'T LET ME DOWN.
WHAT DO YOU SAY? YOU READY, TO GET BACK TO WORK? JUST SLOW DOWN A SECOND.
WHAT? ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
A COUPLE OF HOURS AFTER YOU LEFT, I WENT BACK TO THE OFFICE.
NOW, I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND.
OH, YEAH, WELL, THAT, UH, SEE I CAN-- THEN, I FINALLY STARTED PIECIN' IT TOGETHER.
WHY I NEVER SAW A NORM PETERSON AND MR.
KREITZER IN THE SAME ROOM, AT THE SAME TIME, OR WHY YOU HAPPENED TO BE IN THE OFFICE WHEN WE GOT THERE.
THIS WHOLE THING WAS A MASQUERADE, WASN'T IT? YEAH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE FELL FOR IT! YOU KNOW, ALL THIS TIME WE THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST A SWEET, BEER-GUZZLING LUG NAMED NORM PETERSON.
WELL, THE JIG IS UP, KREITZER! WHAT? OH, MAN.
THAT'S PRETTY SLICK, PRETENDING TO BE A NICE GUY SO YOU COULD SPY ON US.
WAIT A SECOND, MAN.
YOU GO IT ALL WRONG.
SAVE IT FOR THE STAGE, ANTON! MAN, THIS IS REALITY! ALL--ALL--ALL RIGHT, I AM KREITZER! DO YOU WANNA GO BACK TO WORK FOR ME? YEAH, MAN.
I'D LOVE WORKING FOR A PSYCHO.
GOD, MAN, YOU'RE PATHETIC.
WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE.
RUDY, RUDY, RUDY.
COME ON, NOW.
I'M NOT KREITZER, I'M NORM PETERSON.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
I CAN PROVE IT TO YOU.
WATCH THIS.
UH, AFTERNOON, EVERYONE.
(all) ANTON!