Cheers s08e08 Episode Script
For Real Men Only
(male narrator) CHEERS IS FILMED BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
HEY, EVERYBODY! MY GRANDMOTHER CLEANED OUT HER ATTIC.
GUESS WHAT SHE FOUND? YOUR GRANDFATHER? NO.
HE DOESN'T GO IN THE ATTIC.
IT'S A MEMORY QUILT THAT ALL THE WOMEN IN MY FAMILY MADE FOR ME WHEN I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
YEAH, I'VE HEARD ABOUT THESE THINGS.
LOTS OF WOMEN GET TOGETHER AND EMBROIDER PATCHES THAT ILLUSTRATE THE HAPPY MEMORIES OF A YOUNG MAN'S LIFE.
SO THESE WOMEN WERE, WHAT, AUTHENTIC FOLK ARTISTS THEN, HUH? NO, JUST BORED HOUSEWIVES.
HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.
SEE THIS SOFT LITTLE SQUARE HERE? YEAH.
THIS IS A PIECE OF MY VERY FIRST BABY BLANKET.
NOW, UH, WHAT DO THOSE LITTLE DOTS SIGNIFY? WELL, THAT REPRESENTS MY VERY FIRST CHILDHOOD DISEASE, SMALLPOX.
I ALMOST DIED.
WELL, WHAT'S THAT, UH, LONG GREEN THING THERE? OH, UH, THIS IS THE BEANSTALK FROM MY FIRST HIGH SCHOOL PLAY.
I FELL OFF OF IT IN THE FIRST ACT, CRACKED 2 RIBS AND PUNCTURED A LUNG.
I ALMOST DIED.
OH, THIS RED PATCH HERE REPRESENTS THE BIG FIRE THAT BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE WHEN I WAS 6.
AND WHAT, YOU ALMOST DIED? NO, I GOT OUT.
BUT WHILE I WAS RUNNING AWAY, I FELL IN THIS WELL, RIGHT HERE AND I ALMOST WELL, YOU KNOW.
MAKING YOUR WAY IN THE WORLD TODAY TAKES EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT TAKING A BREAK FROM ALL YOUR WORRIES SURE WOULD HELP A LOT WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GET AWAY SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME AND THEY'RE ALWAYS GLAD YOU CAME YOU WANNA BE WHERE YOU CAN SEE OUR TROUBLES ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANNA BE WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME YOU WANNA GO WHERE PEOPLE KNOW PEOPLE ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANNA GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME OK, EVERYBODY, I GOT A PETITION HERE I WANT YOU ALL TO SIGN.
CLAVIN, YOU FIRST.
HUH? NO, NO, CARLA, I'M VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT WHERE I PUT MY JOHN HANCOCK.
IF YOU DON'T SIGN THIS IN THE NEXT 30 SECONDS, YOUR JOHN HANCOCK IS GONNA BE A BETSY ROSS.
RIGHT ABOUT HERE, YOU SAY? UH, NOT THAT I'M QUESTIONING YOU, OR ANYTHING SWEETHEART, BUT WHAT ARE WE SIGNING HERE? WELL, YOU NOW, WHEN EDDIE PASSED AWAY, UH, I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR HIM SO I STARTED THIS PETITION TO GET THE BRUINS TO RETIRE HIS NUMBER, KIND OF LIKE A MEMORIAL.
YEAH, THAT WILL SHOW HIM THAT PEOPLE OF BOSTON WON'T FORGET OLD-- OLD-- WHAT THE HELL'S HIS NUMBER? NO, NO, 38 WILL NOT WORK.
THAT'S LIKE THE MOST POPULAR GUY ON THE TEAM, ONE OF THE TOP SCORERS.
IS HE DEAD? ALL RIGHT, EDDIE'S GOT HIM THERE, I GUESS.
DON'T YOU FORGET IT.
ALL RIGHT I GOT TO GET MORE NAMES, EVERYBODY! YOU GUYS OVER HERE, YOU WANT TO SIGN A PETITION TO COMMEMORATE EDDIE LEBEC? OH, SURE.
WELL DESERVED, TOO.
THANK YOU.
AT LEAST SOMEBODY AROUND HERE HAS SOME RESPECT.
WHO'S EDDIE LEBEC? YOU REMEMBER.
HE'S THAT CARTOON SKUNK.
WHO ALWAYS--ALWAYS FELL IN LOVE WITH BLACK CATS THAT HAD CRAWLED UNDER FRESHLY PAINTED FENCES.
OH, YEAH.
IS HE DEAD? YEAH, JUST SIGN.
[mumbling.]
WHY WHY ME? YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, OR DO YOU WANT TO WHINE? I GUESS I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
NO, NO.
WE CAN'T DO BOTH.
CORPORATE WANTS ME TO THROW SOME IDIOTIC, STUPID RETIREMENT PARTY FOR SOME INSIGNIFICANT MIDDLE-MANAGEMENT NOBODY.
YOU'RE RETIRING? CONGRATULATIONS! I WISH.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT I WAS THROUGH WITH THIS SORT OF CRAP.
CORPORATE HASN'T BOTHERED ME FOR MONTHS NOW.
IN FACT, I HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD FROM THOSE PEOPLE IN I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG.
HEY.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU DON'T THINK THEY HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE DOING THIS STUFF, DO YOU? [gasps.]
WHO'S MOVING IN ON MY TURF? I'M GONNA MAKE A FEW CALLS.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
IT'S CRANES A TROIS.
LOOK WHO'S MAKING HIS FIRST TRIP TO THE BIG BAR.
OOH, SHOW EVERYBODY HIS LITTLE FAKE I.
D.
, HON.
FRASIER, PLEASE.
OH, I'M JUST HAVING A LITTLE FUN.
YOU KNOW, I'VE TAPPED INTO A WHOLE NEW VEIN OF HUMOR WITH THIS BABY THING.
FOR EXAMPLE, HOW MANY BABIES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? ANSWER: NONE! BABIES DON'T HAVE THE MOTOR SKILLS OR THE DEPTH PERCEPTION TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB.
THAT ONE DOES GET ME.
HE LOOKS SO DIFFERENT THAN HE DID IN THE HOSPITAL.
YES, I KNOW.
YOU KNOW THE DAYS FLEE SO QUICKLY.
IF ONLY WE HAD HAD THE FORESIGHT TO CAPTURE THOSE EARLY DAYS OF INNOCENCE, BUT NOW, THEY'RE GONE FOREVER.
HOW OLD IS HE NOW? ABOUT A WEEK.
SAY, DID HIS BELLYBUTTON FALL OFF YET? ANY DAY NOW.
WHAT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, YOU SEE, WHEN THE UMBILICAL CORD IS SEVERED, THE REMAINING UMBILICUS STAYS ATTACHED TO THE NAVAL FOR SEVERAL DAYS, DURING WHICH TIME IT, UH, COMES TO RESEMBLE A SORT OF SHRIVELED, WEEK-OLD BANANA.
HEY, YOU KNOW, IT'S VERY FUNNY YOU USE THAT ANALOGY BECAUSE THE, UH, HUMAN UMBILICAL CORD IF MEMORY SERVES IS 90% POTASSIUM.
STAY AWAY FROM THE BABY, WILL YOU, CLIFF? YOU GOT A NAME FOR HIM YET? FREDERICK.
HEY, ALL RIGHT! FRED FREDDY, THE FREDDER MAN! FREDERICK.
THAT, UH, THAT'S QUITE A RIG YOU GOT THERE.
ISN'T IT MARVELOUS? THIS IS A NATIVE REBOZO USED BY THE PEASANT WOMEN OF MEXICO TO KEEP THE BABY CLOSE AND WARM AND ENABLE IT TO FEEL THE MOTHER'S HEARTBEAT.
HOW MUCH DOES SOMETHING LIKE THAT RUN YOU? OH, JUST A FEW PALTRY PESOS IN MEXICO.
OR $144 AT SAKS.
WELL, DADDY, WE SHOULD RUN IF WE WANT TO PICK UP THOSE DELI PLATTERS BEFORE THE PARTY.
RIGHT.
YOU ARE ALL COMING TO THE BRIS THIS AFTERNOON, AREN'T YOU? OH, YOU BET, WE WOULDN'T MISS THAT BRIS DEAL FOR ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO US.
AS YOU ALL KNOW, I WAS RAISED WITHOUT A RELIGIOUS TRADITION, AND I'M DETERMINED MY SON SHALL NOT BE SIMILARLY DEPRIVED.
I'M SO GRATEFUL TO LILITH AND HER JEWISH FAITH FOR PROVIDING FREDERICK A HERITAGE OF SPIRITUALITY.
YOU KNOW, AND THE CEREMONY PROMISES TO BE QUITE ENLIGHTENING, TOO.
I MEAN, AFTER ALL IT'S NOT EVERYDAY YOU'RE RITUALLY CIRCUMCISED.
WHAT? WELL, THAT'S WHAT A BRIS IS.
YES.
IT'S THE RELIGIOUS CEREMONY WHERE THE--THE BABY IS CIRCUMCISED.
OH, THE BABY! LOOK, EDDIE WASN'T JUST ANY HOCKEY PLAYER.
HE WAS A LEGEND.
HE REPRESENTS THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
IT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO! OK, FINE! BOY, ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GONNA KILL MY MOTHER.
HEY, ARE THOSE LOSERS FROM CORPORATE HERE YET? JUST YOU.
WHAT IS THAT? OH, I NEEDED SOME REFRESHMENTS FOR THE RETIREMENT PARTY, SO, I GOT THIS DAY-OLD PLATTER OF SEAFOOD FROM MELVILLE'S.
OH, THE SHRIMP IS SLITHERING OFF THE TOOTHPICKS.
[groans.]
WELL, DON'T JUST STAND THERE.
GET ME A HOT GLUE GUN.
SAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO THE BABY'S BRIS.
WELL, I WANTED TO.
YOU EVER TRY TO FIND A DATE FOR ONE OF THOSE THINGS? DON'T YOU THINK THAT FRASIER AND LILITH ARE GONNA BE INSULTED IF YOU'RE NOT THERE? OH, YOU KNOW WHAT A MOB SCENE THOSE CIRCUMCISIONS ARE.
THEY'RE NOT GONNA MISS ONE LITTLE PERSON.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I WAS GONNA GO, BUT I DIDN'T-- YOU KNOW, THE THOUGHT OF RENTING A TUXEDO AND EVERYTHING IT WASN'T FORMAL.
YOU DIDN'T NEED TO RENT A TUXEDO.
NO? GREAT, THEN I CAN AFFORD A FEW MORE ROUNDS.
YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS, THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT OCCASION FOR THE CRANES.
SOMEBODY SHOULD GO THERE FROM CHEERS.
WHY AREN'T YOU THERE? I HAVE A PERFECT EXCUSE.
I HAVE TO ENTERTAIN A BUNCH OF DEADHEADS.
WELL, WE'RE HERE.
START, UH, JUGGLING.
UH, WE'RE HERE FOR MY RETIREMENT PARTY.
OH, YES, YES, YES, EVERYTHING'S SET UP IN THE BACK.
COME ON.
COME ON.
SHAKE 'EM, DON'T DAWDLE.
I DON'T SEE WHY I HAVE TO RETIRE, I'M ONLY 65.
I'VE GOT 10 OR 15 MORE GOOD YEARS IN ME.
THE SEAFOOD WILL TAKE CARE OF THAT.
HEY.
SAM AND MR.
PETERSON ARE HERE.
[exclaims.]
YOU DIDN'T GO EITHER? WELL, IT'S NOT OUR FAULT.
I MEAN WE LOOKED AND LOOKED FOR A PLACE TO PARK.
JUST COULDN'T FIND ONE.
MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE LOOKED NEAR THEIR HOUSE INSTEAD OF JUST AROUND THE BALL PARK.
SO YOU GUYS ALL CHICKENED OUT, HUH? CARLA, YOU'RE A WOMAN.
YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND.
WHAT, YOU'RE A BUNCH OF WUSSY WIMPS WHO COULDN'T EVEN GO TO A RELIGIOUS CEREMONY THAT INVOLVED A LITTLE PAIN THAT WASN'T EVEN YOUR OWN? OH, THEN YOU DO UNDERSTAND.
UH, YEAH, THIS IS NOTHING ANYWAY.
THE ORIGINAL RITES OF PASSAGE, UH, STARTED WITH THE JUNGLE TRIBES DOWN IN BORNEO.
YEAH? WHEN YOUNG JUNGLE TRIBAL LAD WAS, UH, ON THE BRINK OF PUBERTY, THEY'D BRING HIM FORWARD AND, UH, TAKE OUT THIS LARGE, SHARPENED CLAMSHELL-- OH, NO, NO.
DON'T TELL ME.
THEY WOULD, UH, FILL IT WITH DIP, PASS IT AROUND WITH THE HORS D'OEUVRES.
OH.
THEN THEY'D TAKE THESE 2 BIG JAGGED ROCKS NO, CLIFF, CLIFF, CLIFF, CLIFF.
BANG THEM TOGETHER TO CALL THE TRIBES OUT OF THE HILLS.
YOU KNOW, THEN THE, UH, WITCHDOCTOR STEPPED UP WITH THIS LONG, SHARPENED BAMBOO STAFF OH, HERE IT COMES.
SHOVED IT INTO THE GROUND AND HUNG A FLAG ON IT.
THEN THEY DANCED AROUND IT PRETTY MUCH TILL THEY DROPPED REALLY.
WAIT.
W-W-WHEN DO THEY CIRCUMCISE THE KID? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CIRCUMCISE? THERE ARE NO JEWS IN BORNEO, YOU MULYAK.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS I FEEL ASHAMED.
I MEAN, LILITH AND FRASIER ARE OUR FRIENDS, YOU KNOW? WE SHOULD BE THERE.
SAMMY'S RIGHT.
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN A MAN HAS TO STAND UP AND BE COUNTED.
NOW, THEY WILL HAVE THOSE REALLY BIG PICKLES, WON'T THEY? YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M WITH YOU, SAMMY.
BESIDES, YOU KNOW, FRASIER'S OUR PAL.
YOU KNOW, IF HE'S MAN ENOUGH TO DO THIS, THEN WE SHOULD BE.
THERE YOU GO.
COME ON.
THE BRIS IS OFF.
I'VE KIDNAPPED MY SON.
YOU KIDNAPPED HIM? WHAT ABOUT THE BRIS? SAM, I JUST COULDN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT.
I MEAN, I-- YOU KNOW, I TRIED TO.
TRADITION AND LILITH AND ALL THAT, BUT, MY GOD, I'M THE-- I'M THE BOY'S FATHER.
AND THAT GUY WAS ABOUT TO GIVE MY SON ONE HELL OF A BOO-BOO.
I ASSURE YOU, FREDERICK, THIS WON'T HAPPEN EVERY TIME WE HAVE PEOPLE OVER TO THE HOUSE.
WHAT, UH, SO WHAT DID THE LITTLE WOMAN HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ALL THIS? OH, MY GOD, LILITH.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER LOOKED BACK AFTER I ELBOWED HER INTO THE CHOPPED LIVER.
FRASIER, AS A MARRIED MAN, I THINK I CAN GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE.
YOU GO BACK, YOU TALK TO HER, YOU IRON THIS OUT.
WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? I MEAN, SHE CAN'T KILL YOU.
YOU WERE DEAD THE MOMENT YOU SAID, "I DO.
" YOU'RE RIGHT.
I SHOULD GO BACK.
BUT I'D BE SO EMBARRASSED.
I MEAN, HOW CAN YOU GO BACK TO A ROOMFUL OF PEOPLE THAT THINK YOU'RE A TOTAL IDIOT? I MEAN, HOW DO YOU DO IT, CLIFF? WELL, I DON'T REALLY LIKE TO DIVULGE HEY! COME HERE, COME HERE, LISTEN, LISTEN, I KNOW WHAT YOU'D TELL ME IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS.
FIRST YOU'D SAY LOTS OF GOBBLEDYGOOK THAT NO ONE COULD UNDERSTAND BUT THEN YOU'D GET ME TO GO BACK THERE AND FACE THE MUSIC.
ADMIT THE TRUTH.
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, SAM.
CONFRONTING ONE'S FEARS IS 1 OF 5 WAYS TO RESOLVE AN INNER CONFLICT.
OF COURSE THE OTHER 4 BEING-- GOD, AREN'T I POMPOUS ASS? NO, YOU'RE NOT POMPOUS.
LISTEN, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, WE'RE ALL GONNA GO BACK THERE WITH YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
REALLY? YOU'RE GONNA GO WITH ME? YOU BET.
OH, GREAT.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT, GUYS.
I WAS KIND OF PANICKED THERE FOR A FEW MINUTES, BUT I'M READY TO ATONE NOW, AND START BEHAVING LIKE A RATIONAL AND GOOD PARENT.
OOPS.
I GUESS WE'RE GONNA NEED YOU.
CARLA, HOW'S YOUR PETITION COMING? WELL, IT WAS A LITTLE SLOW AT FIRST, BUT SINCE I STARTED FORGING PEOPLE'S SIGNATURES, IT'S GONE A LOT FASTER.
THAT'S NICE.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER DID SIGN THAT.
OH, YEAH, YOU DID.
REALLY? I WORKED YOU IN RIGHT HERE BETWEEN TOM CRUISE AND MEL GIBSON.
OOH, FORGE ME AGAIN.
HOW'S IT GOING, LARRY? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ROASTED BY 7 PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW? ALL THOSE FUNNY, INSULTING TOASTS.
I CAME OUT TO PREPARE MY HILARIOUS REBUTTAL.
SO FAR, ALL I CAN THINK OF IS, "SHUT UP.
YOU'RE HURTING MY FEELINGS.
" [laughing.]
I GOT A GRANGE REUNION COMING UP.
CAN I STEAL THAT? MAYBE I OUGHT TO JUST--JUST MOON THEM ALL AND BE DONE WITH IT.
NO, I'D BETTER NOT.
BEHIND A DESK FOR THAT COMPANY, I HAVE A PRETTY SORRY EXCUSE FOR A BUTT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE, JUST HOLLER.
WHAT A LOSER.
HE'S NOT KIDDING ABOUT THAT BUTT, EITHER.
WELL, I FEEL SORRY FOR THAT GUY.
THIS IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE LAST PARTIES HE'LL EVER HAVE, AND HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE HE'S HAVING A VERY GOOD TIME.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD LIVEN IT UP.
I'M GREAT AT PARTIES.
BACK IN HANOVER, I INVENTED THE GAME "HIDE BOB'S PANTS.
" BOY, EVERYONE LOVED THAT GAME.
WELL, EXCEPT FOR BOB.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
HI, FRASIER.
YOU THROUGH WITH THE BRIS? YES, YES, YES.
MY SON IS HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND NOWHERE IN THE VICINITY OF THIS BAR.
OUCH! SAY, UH, JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, YOU KNOW, IS ANYBODY IN THE BAR HAPPEN TO BE LACTATING AND IN NEED OF SOME QUICK CASH? WELL, IF SO, JUST, UH, MEET ME IN THE OFFICE.
OUCH! DAMN IT, FREDERICK, GIVE IT UP.
IT'S JUST NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK HE'S GOT THE BABY UNDER THAT COAT.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT, WOODY? OH, IT'S THE SAME BASIC PREMISE AS "HIDE BOB'S PANTS.
" OH, MY GOD, IT'S MR.
SHERIDAN.
WHAT IS HE DOING HERE? WHO'S HE, ANOTHER DEADHEAD? NO.
HE'S THE EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT IN CHARGE OF EAST COAST MARKETING, RESEARCH, AND SALES.
HE'S THE WHAT? HE'S THE HEAD DEADHEAD.
MR.
SHERIDAN, WHAT A SURPRISE! MISS HOWE, YOU'RE LOOKING VERY WELL.
THANK YOU AND TO WHAT DO I OWE THIS HONOR? WELL, I'M HERE FOR LARRY'S PARTY.
YOU KNOW LARRY? OH, YES, HE'S A DEAR OLD FRIEND AND MY WIFE'S YOUNGER BROTHER.
IS YOUR WIFE COMING? NO.
I'M AFRAID SHE'S PASSED AWAY.
OH, THEN YOU'RE STAG? UH, I--I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU AT THIS PARTY, SIR.
OH, I REMEMBER WHAT WONDERFUL SHINDIGS YOU THROW.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I RECOMMENDED YOU FOR LARRY'S FAREWELL.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT FUN AND EXCITEMENT YOU'VE PLANNED.
YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, UH, THE REAL SURPRISES HAVEN'T COME YET.
OH, GOOD, THEN I HAVEN'T MISSED ANYTHING.
THAT'S SAFE TO SAY.
NOW THOSE PANTS I COULD HIDE.
NOW I HAVE TO PLAN SOMETHING EXCITING FOR THESE PEOPLE! FRASIER? FRASIER? WH-WHERE IS HE? WHERE'S MY HUSBAND? WHERE'S MY BABY? WHERE'S MY BEER? THEY'RE IN THE OFFICE.
DR.
LEVINSON, FRIENDS, PLEASE, JUST HAVE A SEAT.
I'LL JUST BE A MINUTE WHILE I REASON WITH HIM.
WIFE TO HUSBAND.
SCIENTIST TO SCIENTIST.
FRASIER, HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY MESHUGANA? SAM, THIS IS TERRIBLE.
WHAT? MR.
SHERIDAN, THE VICE PRESIDENT IS HERE AND HE EXPECTS A TERRIFIC PARTY.
NOW I'VE GOT TO THINK OF SOMETHING, THINK OF SOMETHING FANTASTIC.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? IT'S YOUR PARTY.
Y-YOU THINK OF SOMETHING.
YEAH, RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? GO BACK THERE, STRIP NAKED, AND GYRATE TO FUNKY COLD MEDINA? WE COULD HELP YOU REHEARSE IF YOU WANT.
I'M BEING NUTS.
I GOTTA THINK OF SOMETHING CLASSY.
YEAH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE SOX DID AT OUR REUNION WE HAD ONCE.
DIDN'T HURT A BIT.
WHAT WAS THAT? WET T-SHIRT CONTEST.
EXCUSE ME? ALL RIGHT, IT WASN'T A CONTEST, IT WAS FIXED, BUT WE STILL HAD A LOT OF FUN.
YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T JUST RUSTLE UP A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST AT THE DROP OF A HAT.
SURE YOU DO.
IT'S JUST LIKE ORDERING A PIZZA.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I THINK I HAVE THE 800 NUMBER HERE.
HERE YOU GO.
"FULFILLING YOUR WET T-SHIRT NEEDS SINCE 1988.
" NO, SAM, I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU CALL AND ARRANGE A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST.
IT EXPLOITS WOMEN.
WHAT, YOU GOT A BETTER IDEA? I'LL CALL.
WHAT ABOUT EXPLOITING WOMEN? WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN A MAN DOES IT, IT'S EXPLOITATION.
WHEN A WOMAN DOES IT, IT'S GOOD BUSINESS.
HI! IS THIS JIGGLY PARTY QUEENS? WELL, FRASIER, YOU'VE BEEN IN THERE QUITE A WHILE.
HOW'S IT GOING? WELL, IT SHOULDN'T BE MUCH LONGER.
IT'S ALMOST MY TURN TO TALK.
SO HOW DO YOU THINK THE PARTY'S GOING? IT'S TERRIFIC.
YOU KNOW, IF THOSE KITTENS WITH THEIR CROPPED TOPS AND SELTZER BOTTLES CAN'T LIVEN THINGS UP, THEN DARN IT, MEN AREN'T JUST AS DEPRAVED AS I THOUGHT THEY WERE.
HOW'S IT GOING? ARE THE GIRLS CHEERING HIM UP? WELL, NO.
ACTUALLY, THE GIRLS ARE DEPRESSED NOW, TOO.
BOY, I'LL TELL YOU, NOTHING CAN BRING DOWN A PARTY FASTER THAN A WET GIRL TELLING SAD STORIES.
GREAT.
MY CAREER IS OVER.
YEAH, I WANTED TO PUT MY ARM AROUND HER AND COMFORT HER, BUT SHE TOLD ME IT WOULD ME COST $10.
IT MADE ME ASHAMED TO BE A MAN.
ANYBODY, UH, GOT CHANGE FOR A $50? ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS BRIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.
CHOP, CHOP.
OOH, SORRY.
WRONG CHOICE OF WORDS.
REBECCA, WOULD YOU OBJECT IF WE USED YOUR POOLROOM? WHY NOT? THE PARTY'S DEAD.
MY CAREER IS DEAD.
I'M THINKING OF LETTING WOODY HIDE MY PANTS.
THANK YOU.
YOU CAN, UH, YOU CAN ACTUALLY DO A BRIS IN A BAR? OH, YES, I'VE PERFORMED THE CEREMONY IN MANY PLACES.
GRANTED, A BAR'S A LITTLE IRREGULAR, BUT, UH, I MUST SAY, IT'S A LOT CHEERIER THAN THE BERNSTEINS' REC ROOM.
MAY I ASK WHAT, UH, CHANGED YOUR MIND? WELL, FRASIER AND I HAD A LONG TALK, AND WE BOTH AGREE THAT FREDERICK WOULD HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE EVEN IF THE CIRCUMCISION TOOK PLACE IN THE HOSPITAL, THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BEING WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE TRAUMA OF SEEING IT HAPPEN.
NOW WE REALIZE THAT'S SELFISH.
IT'LL BE MUCH EASIER ON FREDERICK IF WE'RE HERE TO COMFORT AND SUPPORT HIM.
THEREFORE, WE'VE DECIDED TO GO THROUGH WITH THE CEREMONY.
DON'T TOUCH MY BABY! GOT THAT OUT OF MY SYSTEM.
NOW WE CAN PROCEED.
GREAT.
I DID IT! EDDIE'S GONNA BE HONORED AFTER ALL.
OH, TERRIFIC.
SO THE BRUINS ARE RETIRING HIS NUMBER? NO, NO, THE BRUINS CONVINCED ME THAT EDDIE WASN'T A GOOD ENOUGH PLAYER FOR THAT KIND OF AN HONOR.
BUT THEY OFFERED ME SEASON TICKETS IF I LEAVE THEM ALONE, WHICH WAS PRETTY MUCH WHAT I WAS AFTER IN THE FIRST PLACE.
YEAH, WAIT TILL I TELL THE KIDS.
MAYBE NOW THEY'LL RESPECT HIM.
MISS HOWE, MAY I SEE YOU, PLEASE? YES.
MISS HOWE, THAT WAS THE STRANGEST GET-TOGETHER I'VE EVER ATTENDED.
I AM SO SORRY, SIR.
ORDINARILY, I'D BE VERY UPSET, BUT IT-- IT ALL SEEMS TO HAVE WORKED OUT FAIRLY WELL.
IT DID? YES.
MY BROTHER-IN-LAW, LARRY, IS FINALLY GOING TO LEAVE MY HOUSE.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A HOT PINK WEDDING.
BOY, IT'LL BE GOOD NOT HAVING THAT SORRY BUTT AROUND THE HOUSE ANYMORE.
NORM, I'M GLAD WE WENT TO THE CEREMONY.
ME, TOO, CLIFFIE.
I'M KIND OF PROUD OF MYSELF, YOU KNOW? FIGURE IF I COULD EAT THROUGH THAT, I COULD EAT THROUGH ANYTHING.
IT'S OK, BABY.
[baby whimpering.]
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
(Frasier) IT'S OK, BABY.
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
SAY, YOU KNOW, [whimpering.]
WHAT DO YOU SAY NEXT TIME WE HAVE A GIRL?
HEY, EVERYBODY! MY GRANDMOTHER CLEANED OUT HER ATTIC.
GUESS WHAT SHE FOUND? YOUR GRANDFATHER? NO.
HE DOESN'T GO IN THE ATTIC.
IT'S A MEMORY QUILT THAT ALL THE WOMEN IN MY FAMILY MADE FOR ME WHEN I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
YEAH, I'VE HEARD ABOUT THESE THINGS.
LOTS OF WOMEN GET TOGETHER AND EMBROIDER PATCHES THAT ILLUSTRATE THE HAPPY MEMORIES OF A YOUNG MAN'S LIFE.
SO THESE WOMEN WERE, WHAT, AUTHENTIC FOLK ARTISTS THEN, HUH? NO, JUST BORED HOUSEWIVES.
HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.
SEE THIS SOFT LITTLE SQUARE HERE? YEAH.
THIS IS A PIECE OF MY VERY FIRST BABY BLANKET.
NOW, UH, WHAT DO THOSE LITTLE DOTS SIGNIFY? WELL, THAT REPRESENTS MY VERY FIRST CHILDHOOD DISEASE, SMALLPOX.
I ALMOST DIED.
WELL, WHAT'S THAT, UH, LONG GREEN THING THERE? OH, UH, THIS IS THE BEANSTALK FROM MY FIRST HIGH SCHOOL PLAY.
I FELL OFF OF IT IN THE FIRST ACT, CRACKED 2 RIBS AND PUNCTURED A LUNG.
I ALMOST DIED.
OH, THIS RED PATCH HERE REPRESENTS THE BIG FIRE THAT BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE WHEN I WAS 6.
AND WHAT, YOU ALMOST DIED? NO, I GOT OUT.
BUT WHILE I WAS RUNNING AWAY, I FELL IN THIS WELL, RIGHT HERE AND I ALMOST WELL, YOU KNOW.
MAKING YOUR WAY IN THE WORLD TODAY TAKES EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT TAKING A BREAK FROM ALL YOUR WORRIES SURE WOULD HELP A LOT WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GET AWAY SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME AND THEY'RE ALWAYS GLAD YOU CAME YOU WANNA BE WHERE YOU CAN SEE OUR TROUBLES ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANNA BE WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME YOU WANNA GO WHERE PEOPLE KNOW PEOPLE ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANNA GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME OK, EVERYBODY, I GOT A PETITION HERE I WANT YOU ALL TO SIGN.
CLAVIN, YOU FIRST.
HUH? NO, NO, CARLA, I'M VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT WHERE I PUT MY JOHN HANCOCK.
IF YOU DON'T SIGN THIS IN THE NEXT 30 SECONDS, YOUR JOHN HANCOCK IS GONNA BE A BETSY ROSS.
RIGHT ABOUT HERE, YOU SAY? UH, NOT THAT I'M QUESTIONING YOU, OR ANYTHING SWEETHEART, BUT WHAT ARE WE SIGNING HERE? WELL, YOU NOW, WHEN EDDIE PASSED AWAY, UH, I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR HIM SO I STARTED THIS PETITION TO GET THE BRUINS TO RETIRE HIS NUMBER, KIND OF LIKE A MEMORIAL.
YEAH, THAT WILL SHOW HIM THAT PEOPLE OF BOSTON WON'T FORGET OLD-- OLD-- WHAT THE HELL'S HIS NUMBER? NO, NO, 38 WILL NOT WORK.
THAT'S LIKE THE MOST POPULAR GUY ON THE TEAM, ONE OF THE TOP SCORERS.
IS HE DEAD? ALL RIGHT, EDDIE'S GOT HIM THERE, I GUESS.
DON'T YOU FORGET IT.
ALL RIGHT I GOT TO GET MORE NAMES, EVERYBODY! YOU GUYS OVER HERE, YOU WANT TO SIGN A PETITION TO COMMEMORATE EDDIE LEBEC? OH, SURE.
WELL DESERVED, TOO.
THANK YOU.
AT LEAST SOMEBODY AROUND HERE HAS SOME RESPECT.
WHO'S EDDIE LEBEC? YOU REMEMBER.
HE'S THAT CARTOON SKUNK.
WHO ALWAYS--ALWAYS FELL IN LOVE WITH BLACK CATS THAT HAD CRAWLED UNDER FRESHLY PAINTED FENCES.
OH, YEAH.
IS HE DEAD? YEAH, JUST SIGN.
[mumbling.]
WHY WHY ME? YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, OR DO YOU WANT TO WHINE? I GUESS I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
NO, NO.
WE CAN'T DO BOTH.
CORPORATE WANTS ME TO THROW SOME IDIOTIC, STUPID RETIREMENT PARTY FOR SOME INSIGNIFICANT MIDDLE-MANAGEMENT NOBODY.
YOU'RE RETIRING? CONGRATULATIONS! I WISH.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT I WAS THROUGH WITH THIS SORT OF CRAP.
CORPORATE HASN'T BOTHERED ME FOR MONTHS NOW.
IN FACT, I HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD FROM THOSE PEOPLE IN I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG.
HEY.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU DON'T THINK THEY HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE DOING THIS STUFF, DO YOU? [gasps.]
WHO'S MOVING IN ON MY TURF? I'M GONNA MAKE A FEW CALLS.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
IT'S CRANES A TROIS.
LOOK WHO'S MAKING HIS FIRST TRIP TO THE BIG BAR.
OOH, SHOW EVERYBODY HIS LITTLE FAKE I.
D.
, HON.
FRASIER, PLEASE.
OH, I'M JUST HAVING A LITTLE FUN.
YOU KNOW, I'VE TAPPED INTO A WHOLE NEW VEIN OF HUMOR WITH THIS BABY THING.
FOR EXAMPLE, HOW MANY BABIES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? ANSWER: NONE! BABIES DON'T HAVE THE MOTOR SKILLS OR THE DEPTH PERCEPTION TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB.
THAT ONE DOES GET ME.
HE LOOKS SO DIFFERENT THAN HE DID IN THE HOSPITAL.
YES, I KNOW.
YOU KNOW THE DAYS FLEE SO QUICKLY.
IF ONLY WE HAD HAD THE FORESIGHT TO CAPTURE THOSE EARLY DAYS OF INNOCENCE, BUT NOW, THEY'RE GONE FOREVER.
HOW OLD IS HE NOW? ABOUT A WEEK.
SAY, DID HIS BELLYBUTTON FALL OFF YET? ANY DAY NOW.
WHAT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, YOU SEE, WHEN THE UMBILICAL CORD IS SEVERED, THE REMAINING UMBILICUS STAYS ATTACHED TO THE NAVAL FOR SEVERAL DAYS, DURING WHICH TIME IT, UH, COMES TO RESEMBLE A SORT OF SHRIVELED, WEEK-OLD BANANA.
HEY, YOU KNOW, IT'S VERY FUNNY YOU USE THAT ANALOGY BECAUSE THE, UH, HUMAN UMBILICAL CORD IF MEMORY SERVES IS 90% POTASSIUM.
STAY AWAY FROM THE BABY, WILL YOU, CLIFF? YOU GOT A NAME FOR HIM YET? FREDERICK.
HEY, ALL RIGHT! FRED FREDDY, THE FREDDER MAN! FREDERICK.
THAT, UH, THAT'S QUITE A RIG YOU GOT THERE.
ISN'T IT MARVELOUS? THIS IS A NATIVE REBOZO USED BY THE PEASANT WOMEN OF MEXICO TO KEEP THE BABY CLOSE AND WARM AND ENABLE IT TO FEEL THE MOTHER'S HEARTBEAT.
HOW MUCH DOES SOMETHING LIKE THAT RUN YOU? OH, JUST A FEW PALTRY PESOS IN MEXICO.
OR $144 AT SAKS.
WELL, DADDY, WE SHOULD RUN IF WE WANT TO PICK UP THOSE DELI PLATTERS BEFORE THE PARTY.
RIGHT.
YOU ARE ALL COMING TO THE BRIS THIS AFTERNOON, AREN'T YOU? OH, YOU BET, WE WOULDN'T MISS THAT BRIS DEAL FOR ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO US.
AS YOU ALL KNOW, I WAS RAISED WITHOUT A RELIGIOUS TRADITION, AND I'M DETERMINED MY SON SHALL NOT BE SIMILARLY DEPRIVED.
I'M SO GRATEFUL TO LILITH AND HER JEWISH FAITH FOR PROVIDING FREDERICK A HERITAGE OF SPIRITUALITY.
YOU KNOW, AND THE CEREMONY PROMISES TO BE QUITE ENLIGHTENING, TOO.
I MEAN, AFTER ALL IT'S NOT EVERYDAY YOU'RE RITUALLY CIRCUMCISED.
WHAT? WELL, THAT'S WHAT A BRIS IS.
YES.
IT'S THE RELIGIOUS CEREMONY WHERE THE--THE BABY IS CIRCUMCISED.
OH, THE BABY! LOOK, EDDIE WASN'T JUST ANY HOCKEY PLAYER.
HE WAS A LEGEND.
HE REPRESENTS THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
IT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO! OK, FINE! BOY, ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GONNA KILL MY MOTHER.
HEY, ARE THOSE LOSERS FROM CORPORATE HERE YET? JUST YOU.
WHAT IS THAT? OH, I NEEDED SOME REFRESHMENTS FOR THE RETIREMENT PARTY, SO, I GOT THIS DAY-OLD PLATTER OF SEAFOOD FROM MELVILLE'S.
OH, THE SHRIMP IS SLITHERING OFF THE TOOTHPICKS.
[groans.]
WELL, DON'T JUST STAND THERE.
GET ME A HOT GLUE GUN.
SAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO THE BABY'S BRIS.
WELL, I WANTED TO.
YOU EVER TRY TO FIND A DATE FOR ONE OF THOSE THINGS? DON'T YOU THINK THAT FRASIER AND LILITH ARE GONNA BE INSULTED IF YOU'RE NOT THERE? OH, YOU KNOW WHAT A MOB SCENE THOSE CIRCUMCISIONS ARE.
THEY'RE NOT GONNA MISS ONE LITTLE PERSON.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I WAS GONNA GO, BUT I DIDN'T-- YOU KNOW, THE THOUGHT OF RENTING A TUXEDO AND EVERYTHING IT WASN'T FORMAL.
YOU DIDN'T NEED TO RENT A TUXEDO.
NO? GREAT, THEN I CAN AFFORD A FEW MORE ROUNDS.
YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS, THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT OCCASION FOR THE CRANES.
SOMEBODY SHOULD GO THERE FROM CHEERS.
WHY AREN'T YOU THERE? I HAVE A PERFECT EXCUSE.
I HAVE TO ENTERTAIN A BUNCH OF DEADHEADS.
WELL, WE'RE HERE.
START, UH, JUGGLING.
UH, WE'RE HERE FOR MY RETIREMENT PARTY.
OH, YES, YES, YES, EVERYTHING'S SET UP IN THE BACK.
COME ON.
COME ON.
SHAKE 'EM, DON'T DAWDLE.
I DON'T SEE WHY I HAVE TO RETIRE, I'M ONLY 65.
I'VE GOT 10 OR 15 MORE GOOD YEARS IN ME.
THE SEAFOOD WILL TAKE CARE OF THAT.
HEY.
SAM AND MR.
PETERSON ARE HERE.
[exclaims.]
YOU DIDN'T GO EITHER? WELL, IT'S NOT OUR FAULT.
I MEAN WE LOOKED AND LOOKED FOR A PLACE TO PARK.
JUST COULDN'T FIND ONE.
MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE LOOKED NEAR THEIR HOUSE INSTEAD OF JUST AROUND THE BALL PARK.
SO YOU GUYS ALL CHICKENED OUT, HUH? CARLA, YOU'RE A WOMAN.
YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND.
WHAT, YOU'RE A BUNCH OF WUSSY WIMPS WHO COULDN'T EVEN GO TO A RELIGIOUS CEREMONY THAT INVOLVED A LITTLE PAIN THAT WASN'T EVEN YOUR OWN? OH, THEN YOU DO UNDERSTAND.
UH, YEAH, THIS IS NOTHING ANYWAY.
THE ORIGINAL RITES OF PASSAGE, UH, STARTED WITH THE JUNGLE TRIBES DOWN IN BORNEO.
YEAH? WHEN YOUNG JUNGLE TRIBAL LAD WAS, UH, ON THE BRINK OF PUBERTY, THEY'D BRING HIM FORWARD AND, UH, TAKE OUT THIS LARGE, SHARPENED CLAMSHELL-- OH, NO, NO.
DON'T TELL ME.
THEY WOULD, UH, FILL IT WITH DIP, PASS IT AROUND WITH THE HORS D'OEUVRES.
OH.
THEN THEY'D TAKE THESE 2 BIG JAGGED ROCKS NO, CLIFF, CLIFF, CLIFF, CLIFF.
BANG THEM TOGETHER TO CALL THE TRIBES OUT OF THE HILLS.
YOU KNOW, THEN THE, UH, WITCHDOCTOR STEPPED UP WITH THIS LONG, SHARPENED BAMBOO STAFF OH, HERE IT COMES.
SHOVED IT INTO THE GROUND AND HUNG A FLAG ON IT.
THEN THEY DANCED AROUND IT PRETTY MUCH TILL THEY DROPPED REALLY.
WAIT.
W-W-WHEN DO THEY CIRCUMCISE THE KID? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CIRCUMCISE? THERE ARE NO JEWS IN BORNEO, YOU MULYAK.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS I FEEL ASHAMED.
I MEAN, LILITH AND FRASIER ARE OUR FRIENDS, YOU KNOW? WE SHOULD BE THERE.
SAMMY'S RIGHT.
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN A MAN HAS TO STAND UP AND BE COUNTED.
NOW, THEY WILL HAVE THOSE REALLY BIG PICKLES, WON'T THEY? YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M WITH YOU, SAMMY.
BESIDES, YOU KNOW, FRASIER'S OUR PAL.
YOU KNOW, IF HE'S MAN ENOUGH TO DO THIS, THEN WE SHOULD BE.
THERE YOU GO.
COME ON.
THE BRIS IS OFF.
I'VE KIDNAPPED MY SON.
YOU KIDNAPPED HIM? WHAT ABOUT THE BRIS? SAM, I JUST COULDN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT.
I MEAN, I-- YOU KNOW, I TRIED TO.
TRADITION AND LILITH AND ALL THAT, BUT, MY GOD, I'M THE-- I'M THE BOY'S FATHER.
AND THAT GUY WAS ABOUT TO GIVE MY SON ONE HELL OF A BOO-BOO.
I ASSURE YOU, FREDERICK, THIS WON'T HAPPEN EVERY TIME WE HAVE PEOPLE OVER TO THE HOUSE.
WHAT, UH, SO WHAT DID THE LITTLE WOMAN HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ALL THIS? OH, MY GOD, LILITH.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER LOOKED BACK AFTER I ELBOWED HER INTO THE CHOPPED LIVER.
FRASIER, AS A MARRIED MAN, I THINK I CAN GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE.
YOU GO BACK, YOU TALK TO HER, YOU IRON THIS OUT.
WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? I MEAN, SHE CAN'T KILL YOU.
YOU WERE DEAD THE MOMENT YOU SAID, "I DO.
" YOU'RE RIGHT.
I SHOULD GO BACK.
BUT I'D BE SO EMBARRASSED.
I MEAN, HOW CAN YOU GO BACK TO A ROOMFUL OF PEOPLE THAT THINK YOU'RE A TOTAL IDIOT? I MEAN, HOW DO YOU DO IT, CLIFF? WELL, I DON'T REALLY LIKE TO DIVULGE HEY! COME HERE, COME HERE, LISTEN, LISTEN, I KNOW WHAT YOU'D TELL ME IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS.
FIRST YOU'D SAY LOTS OF GOBBLEDYGOOK THAT NO ONE COULD UNDERSTAND BUT THEN YOU'D GET ME TO GO BACK THERE AND FACE THE MUSIC.
ADMIT THE TRUTH.
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, SAM.
CONFRONTING ONE'S FEARS IS 1 OF 5 WAYS TO RESOLVE AN INNER CONFLICT.
OF COURSE THE OTHER 4 BEING-- GOD, AREN'T I POMPOUS ASS? NO, YOU'RE NOT POMPOUS.
LISTEN, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, WE'RE ALL GONNA GO BACK THERE WITH YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
REALLY? YOU'RE GONNA GO WITH ME? YOU BET.
OH, GREAT.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT, GUYS.
I WAS KIND OF PANICKED THERE FOR A FEW MINUTES, BUT I'M READY TO ATONE NOW, AND START BEHAVING LIKE A RATIONAL AND GOOD PARENT.
OOPS.
I GUESS WE'RE GONNA NEED YOU.
CARLA, HOW'S YOUR PETITION COMING? WELL, IT WAS A LITTLE SLOW AT FIRST, BUT SINCE I STARTED FORGING PEOPLE'S SIGNATURES, IT'S GONE A LOT FASTER.
THAT'S NICE.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER DID SIGN THAT.
OH, YEAH, YOU DID.
REALLY? I WORKED YOU IN RIGHT HERE BETWEEN TOM CRUISE AND MEL GIBSON.
OOH, FORGE ME AGAIN.
HOW'S IT GOING, LARRY? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ROASTED BY 7 PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW? ALL THOSE FUNNY, INSULTING TOASTS.
I CAME OUT TO PREPARE MY HILARIOUS REBUTTAL.
SO FAR, ALL I CAN THINK OF IS, "SHUT UP.
YOU'RE HURTING MY FEELINGS.
" [laughing.]
I GOT A GRANGE REUNION COMING UP.
CAN I STEAL THAT? MAYBE I OUGHT TO JUST--JUST MOON THEM ALL AND BE DONE WITH IT.
NO, I'D BETTER NOT.
BEHIND A DESK FOR THAT COMPANY, I HAVE A PRETTY SORRY EXCUSE FOR A BUTT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE, JUST HOLLER.
WHAT A LOSER.
HE'S NOT KIDDING ABOUT THAT BUTT, EITHER.
WELL, I FEEL SORRY FOR THAT GUY.
THIS IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE LAST PARTIES HE'LL EVER HAVE, AND HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE HE'S HAVING A VERY GOOD TIME.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD LIVEN IT UP.
I'M GREAT AT PARTIES.
BACK IN HANOVER, I INVENTED THE GAME "HIDE BOB'S PANTS.
" BOY, EVERYONE LOVED THAT GAME.
WELL, EXCEPT FOR BOB.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
HI, FRASIER.
YOU THROUGH WITH THE BRIS? YES, YES, YES.
MY SON IS HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND NOWHERE IN THE VICINITY OF THIS BAR.
OUCH! SAY, UH, JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, YOU KNOW, IS ANYBODY IN THE BAR HAPPEN TO BE LACTATING AND IN NEED OF SOME QUICK CASH? WELL, IF SO, JUST, UH, MEET ME IN THE OFFICE.
OUCH! DAMN IT, FREDERICK, GIVE IT UP.
IT'S JUST NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK HE'S GOT THE BABY UNDER THAT COAT.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT, WOODY? OH, IT'S THE SAME BASIC PREMISE AS "HIDE BOB'S PANTS.
" OH, MY GOD, IT'S MR.
SHERIDAN.
WHAT IS HE DOING HERE? WHO'S HE, ANOTHER DEADHEAD? NO.
HE'S THE EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT IN CHARGE OF EAST COAST MARKETING, RESEARCH, AND SALES.
HE'S THE WHAT? HE'S THE HEAD DEADHEAD.
MR.
SHERIDAN, WHAT A SURPRISE! MISS HOWE, YOU'RE LOOKING VERY WELL.
THANK YOU AND TO WHAT DO I OWE THIS HONOR? WELL, I'M HERE FOR LARRY'S PARTY.
YOU KNOW LARRY? OH, YES, HE'S A DEAR OLD FRIEND AND MY WIFE'S YOUNGER BROTHER.
IS YOUR WIFE COMING? NO.
I'M AFRAID SHE'S PASSED AWAY.
OH, THEN YOU'RE STAG? UH, I--I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU AT THIS PARTY, SIR.
OH, I REMEMBER WHAT WONDERFUL SHINDIGS YOU THROW.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I RECOMMENDED YOU FOR LARRY'S FAREWELL.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT FUN AND EXCITEMENT YOU'VE PLANNED.
YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, UH, THE REAL SURPRISES HAVEN'T COME YET.
OH, GOOD, THEN I HAVEN'T MISSED ANYTHING.
THAT'S SAFE TO SAY.
NOW THOSE PANTS I COULD HIDE.
NOW I HAVE TO PLAN SOMETHING EXCITING FOR THESE PEOPLE! FRASIER? FRASIER? WH-WHERE IS HE? WHERE'S MY HUSBAND? WHERE'S MY BABY? WHERE'S MY BEER? THEY'RE IN THE OFFICE.
DR.
LEVINSON, FRIENDS, PLEASE, JUST HAVE A SEAT.
I'LL JUST BE A MINUTE WHILE I REASON WITH HIM.
WIFE TO HUSBAND.
SCIENTIST TO SCIENTIST.
FRASIER, HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY MESHUGANA? SAM, THIS IS TERRIBLE.
WHAT? MR.
SHERIDAN, THE VICE PRESIDENT IS HERE AND HE EXPECTS A TERRIFIC PARTY.
NOW I'VE GOT TO THINK OF SOMETHING, THINK OF SOMETHING FANTASTIC.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? IT'S YOUR PARTY.
Y-YOU THINK OF SOMETHING.
YEAH, RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? GO BACK THERE, STRIP NAKED, AND GYRATE TO FUNKY COLD MEDINA? WE COULD HELP YOU REHEARSE IF YOU WANT.
I'M BEING NUTS.
I GOTTA THINK OF SOMETHING CLASSY.
YEAH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE SOX DID AT OUR REUNION WE HAD ONCE.
DIDN'T HURT A BIT.
WHAT WAS THAT? WET T-SHIRT CONTEST.
EXCUSE ME? ALL RIGHT, IT WASN'T A CONTEST, IT WAS FIXED, BUT WE STILL HAD A LOT OF FUN.
YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T JUST RUSTLE UP A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST AT THE DROP OF A HAT.
SURE YOU DO.
IT'S JUST LIKE ORDERING A PIZZA.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I THINK I HAVE THE 800 NUMBER HERE.
HERE YOU GO.
"FULFILLING YOUR WET T-SHIRT NEEDS SINCE 1988.
" NO, SAM, I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU CALL AND ARRANGE A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST.
IT EXPLOITS WOMEN.
WHAT, YOU GOT A BETTER IDEA? I'LL CALL.
WHAT ABOUT EXPLOITING WOMEN? WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN A MAN DOES IT, IT'S EXPLOITATION.
WHEN A WOMAN DOES IT, IT'S GOOD BUSINESS.
HI! IS THIS JIGGLY PARTY QUEENS? WELL, FRASIER, YOU'VE BEEN IN THERE QUITE A WHILE.
HOW'S IT GOING? WELL, IT SHOULDN'T BE MUCH LONGER.
IT'S ALMOST MY TURN TO TALK.
SO HOW DO YOU THINK THE PARTY'S GOING? IT'S TERRIFIC.
YOU KNOW, IF THOSE KITTENS WITH THEIR CROPPED TOPS AND SELTZER BOTTLES CAN'T LIVEN THINGS UP, THEN DARN IT, MEN AREN'T JUST AS DEPRAVED AS I THOUGHT THEY WERE.
HOW'S IT GOING? ARE THE GIRLS CHEERING HIM UP? WELL, NO.
ACTUALLY, THE GIRLS ARE DEPRESSED NOW, TOO.
BOY, I'LL TELL YOU, NOTHING CAN BRING DOWN A PARTY FASTER THAN A WET GIRL TELLING SAD STORIES.
GREAT.
MY CAREER IS OVER.
YEAH, I WANTED TO PUT MY ARM AROUND HER AND COMFORT HER, BUT SHE TOLD ME IT WOULD ME COST $10.
IT MADE ME ASHAMED TO BE A MAN.
ANYBODY, UH, GOT CHANGE FOR A $50? ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS BRIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.
CHOP, CHOP.
OOH, SORRY.
WRONG CHOICE OF WORDS.
REBECCA, WOULD YOU OBJECT IF WE USED YOUR POOLROOM? WHY NOT? THE PARTY'S DEAD.
MY CAREER IS DEAD.
I'M THINKING OF LETTING WOODY HIDE MY PANTS.
THANK YOU.
YOU CAN, UH, YOU CAN ACTUALLY DO A BRIS IN A BAR? OH, YES, I'VE PERFORMED THE CEREMONY IN MANY PLACES.
GRANTED, A BAR'S A LITTLE IRREGULAR, BUT, UH, I MUST SAY, IT'S A LOT CHEERIER THAN THE BERNSTEINS' REC ROOM.
MAY I ASK WHAT, UH, CHANGED YOUR MIND? WELL, FRASIER AND I HAD A LONG TALK, AND WE BOTH AGREE THAT FREDERICK WOULD HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE EVEN IF THE CIRCUMCISION TOOK PLACE IN THE HOSPITAL, THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BEING WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE TRAUMA OF SEEING IT HAPPEN.
NOW WE REALIZE THAT'S SELFISH.
IT'LL BE MUCH EASIER ON FREDERICK IF WE'RE HERE TO COMFORT AND SUPPORT HIM.
THEREFORE, WE'VE DECIDED TO GO THROUGH WITH THE CEREMONY.
DON'T TOUCH MY BABY! GOT THAT OUT OF MY SYSTEM.
NOW WE CAN PROCEED.
GREAT.
I DID IT! EDDIE'S GONNA BE HONORED AFTER ALL.
OH, TERRIFIC.
SO THE BRUINS ARE RETIRING HIS NUMBER? NO, NO, THE BRUINS CONVINCED ME THAT EDDIE WASN'T A GOOD ENOUGH PLAYER FOR THAT KIND OF AN HONOR.
BUT THEY OFFERED ME SEASON TICKETS IF I LEAVE THEM ALONE, WHICH WAS PRETTY MUCH WHAT I WAS AFTER IN THE FIRST PLACE.
YEAH, WAIT TILL I TELL THE KIDS.
MAYBE NOW THEY'LL RESPECT HIM.
MISS HOWE, MAY I SEE YOU, PLEASE? YES.
MISS HOWE, THAT WAS THE STRANGEST GET-TOGETHER I'VE EVER ATTENDED.
I AM SO SORRY, SIR.
ORDINARILY, I'D BE VERY UPSET, BUT IT-- IT ALL SEEMS TO HAVE WORKED OUT FAIRLY WELL.
IT DID? YES.
MY BROTHER-IN-LAW, LARRY, IS FINALLY GOING TO LEAVE MY HOUSE.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A HOT PINK WEDDING.
BOY, IT'LL BE GOOD NOT HAVING THAT SORRY BUTT AROUND THE HOUSE ANYMORE.
NORM, I'M GLAD WE WENT TO THE CEREMONY.
ME, TOO, CLIFFIE.
I'M KIND OF PROUD OF MYSELF, YOU KNOW? FIGURE IF I COULD EAT THROUGH THAT, I COULD EAT THROUGH ANYTHING.
IT'S OK, BABY.
[baby whimpering.]
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
(Frasier) IT'S OK, BABY.
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
SAY, YOU KNOW, [whimpering.]
WHAT DO YOU SAY NEXT TIME WE HAVE A GIRL?