Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Art of the Steal

(male narrator) CHEERS IS FILMED BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
YEAH, NORMIE, WATCH MY WALLET, WILL YOU? I GOT TO GO SEE A MAN ABOUT A HORSE.
WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS! PUMPKIN SEEDS ARE UP TO THIS WORLD IS GOIN' CRAZY.
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, WOOD.
THE DOLLAR AIN'T WORTH WHAT IT USED TO BE, IS IT? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HOW CAN A DOLLAR BE WORTH LESS THAN A DOLLAR? [sighing] WELL, PERHAPS I CAN ILLUSTRATE USING ONE OF CLIFF'S BILLS HERE.
AH! THINK OF THIS, WOODY, AS THE 1975 DOLLAR, OK? PROBABLY BEEN IN THAT WALLET SINCE 1975.
NOW, TAKING ACCOUNT OF INFLATION, OK, THE HIGH COST OF LIVING, INCREASED DOLLARS IN CIRCULATION, INCREASED BUYING POWER OF THAT PESKY YEN, AND ALL YOU HAVE LEFT IS, A LITTLE BIT OF GEORGE WASHINGTON'S LEFT EYE.
WELL, WAIT A MINUTE, NOW.
WOULD THE SAME THING APPLY TO, OH, SAY, $20? AH, MACROECONOMICS.
UH, YEAH.
PERHAPS, UH, WE'LL JUST TRY IT AND SEE, THE SAME PRINCIPLES.
OK.
INFLATION.
UH-HUH.
COST OF LIVING.
SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME AND THEY'RE ALWAYS GLAD YOU CAME YOU WANT TO BE WHERE YOU CAN SEE OUR TROUBLES ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANT TO GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME I JUST DON'T GET THIS INFLATION STUFF.
[sighing] ALL RIGHT, WOODY, ONCE AGAIN, THINK OF THIS BEER AS THE 1975 DOLLAR, OK? NOW, IT'S A 1980 DOLLAR.
FILL IT UP, I'LL TAKE YOU RIGHT THROUGH THE REAGAN YEARS.
ALL RIGHT, YOU MIGHT AS WELL FORGET IT, MR.
PETERSON.
I'M JUST NOT GETTIN' IT.
WOODY, I'M WILLING TO SIT HERE ALL NIGHT, IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES, BUDDY.
SORRY I'M LATE.
I JUST GOT BACK FROM MY STYLIST.
OH, GEE, SAM, YOUR HAIR DOESN'T LOOK ANY DIFFERENT.
UH, NO.
THIS WAS, UH-- THIS WAS JUST FOR AN ESTIMATE.
I'M THINKING OF DOIN' A BODY WAVE, AND MY INSURANCE COMPANY WANTS ME TO GO TO SAM, YOU-- YOU HAVE HAIR INSURANCE? YEAH.
WHAT, I'M GONNA JUST WALK AROUND WITH FIRE AND THEFT? GOT TO GET SOME MORE PRETZELS FOR THE BAR.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF MY PHONE IS WORKING RIGHT OR NOT.
HAVE I HAD ANY CALLS? YEAH, ROBIN CALLED.
HE DID? YEAH, ABOUT 3 WEEKS AGO.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER? CARLA, DO YOU THINK ROBIN'S LOSING INTEREST IN ME? NO, BUT I AM.
WAIT.
COME HERE.
PLEASE, SIT DOWN.
THIS IS IMPORTANT.
NOW LOOK, I KNOW MY RELATIONSHIP WITH ROBIN GOT OFF TO A FLYING START.
BUT RECENTLY, I THINK THAT MAYBE HE'S FINDING ME BORING.
NOW HOW COULD THAT BE? YOU'RE DULL.
I'M ONLY DULL ON THE OUTSIDE.
ON THE INSIDE, I'M A SEETHING CAULDRON OF FUN.
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS FIND-- FIND SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE ROBIN SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE OF ME.
SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE HIM REALIZE WHAT A SPECIAL PERSON I REALLY AM.
HAVE YOU GONE TO BED WITH HIM YET? NO.
WELL, THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD ICEBREAKER FOR ME.
WAIT.
WAIT.
NOW LOOK, I DID NOT GO TO BED WITH ROBIN ON THE FIRST DATE BECAUSE I WAS OUT OF PRACTICE.
AND I THOUGHT I'D BE ROTTEN, AND THEN HE WOULD DUMP ME.
AND ON THE 2ND DATE, I DIDN'T GO TO BED WITH HIM BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE RESPECTED ME FOR NOT GOING TO BED WITH HIM ON THE FIRST DATE.
AND THEN BY THE 3RD DATE, IT WAS ALREADY AN OLD HABIT.
ALL RIGHT, NOW I'M GOING OUT WITH HIM MY 4TH TIME, AND FRANKLY, I'M HOT-TO-TROT.
SO? SO, HE'S COMING IN TOWN TONIGHT, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM FOR A MONTH, AND I DON'T KNOW-- YOU KNOW, I REALLY NEED SOME HELP HERE.
NOW, YOU'VE GOT A REPUTATION OF BEING UNINHIBITED, LOW-DOWN, DIRTY, PERVERTED.
YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN ME WHEN I WAS A REAL SLUT.
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION NOW.
WHAT IS THE WILDEST THING YOU EVER DID TO REALLY GET A GUY'S ATTENTION? WELL.
NOW, LET ME SEE.
THERE WAS THE TIME I WAS MAKIN' LOVE TO A GUY ON A CAROUSEL.
WHERE? AN AMUSEMENT PARK? NO, LaGUARDIA AIRPORT.
WANT TO GIVE IT A TRY? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT, ARE YOU GETTIN' DULL ON ME AGAIN? WELL, YOU KNOW, I'VE JUST BEEN SO DARN DULL, FOR SO DARN LONG.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHOA! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS? YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THIS ONE.
HE COMES IN TONIGHT, I SNEAK INTO HIS APARTMENT, I PUT ON SOME NICE SOFT MUSIC, I CHILL SOME CHAMPAGNE, HE WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR, AND I GREET HIM.
WHOA, WHAT AN IDEA.
WAY TO GO, REBECCA! THANK YOU.
DULL-DE-DULL, DULL, DULL ECONOMICS IS SO COMPLICATED.
WOODY, I COULD SIT HERE AND TRY TO DISCUSS THE PRINCIPLES OF ECONOMICS WITH YOU TILL I'M BLUE IN THE FACE.
BUT I'VE ALWAYS FOUND THAT NOTHING WILL EXPLAIN THE PROCESS QUICKER THAN A SIMPLE GAME OF MONOPOLY.
ANYONE CARE TO JOIN ME? MONOPOLY, EH? (Norm) YEAH! I DON'T KNOW, UH WELL, LILITH'S AT HOME WITH THE BABY, THEY BOTH SEEM RATHER TIRED AND CRANKY, SO I REALLY OUGHT TO GET HOME BY, UH, UMM, THURSDAY.
ALL RIGHT, I'M THE BANKER.
NO, NO, NO, I'M TRYING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU, WOODY.
I HAVE TO BE THE BANKER, ALL RIGHT? I'M ALWAYS THE BANKER.
NO, NO, I'M ALWAYS THE BANKER, OK? LOOK HERE, IF I CAN'T BE THE BANKER, I JUST WON'T PLAY.
HOW'S THAT? WELL, MAYBE I'LL JUST GO GET MY OWN MONOPOLY BOARD AND PLAY WITH MY REAL FRIENDS.
NOW LET'S NOT BE CHILDISH.
IF WOODY WANTS TO BE THE BANKER, LET'S LET HIM BE.
I MEAN, HE CAN LEARN FROM HIS OWN MISTAKES.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE THE RACE CAR, THOUGH.
NO, I'M ALWAYS THE RACE CAR.
I'M THE RACE CAR.
NO, NO, NO.
OH, REALLY? HOW WELL DO YOU DO THIS? [imitating car revving] YOU CAN ARGUE ALL YOU WANT, BUT, UH, I'M NOT PLAYING UNLESS I'M THE THIMBLE.
IT'S YOURS, CLIFF.
OK, WELL, SO CLIFF'S THE THIMBLE, I'M THE RACE CAR, UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE, NORM? I'LL BE THE LEAD PIPE, I GUESS.
I DON'T REMEMBER ANY LEAD PIPE IN MONOPOLY.
OR THIS CHINESE CHECKER, OR THESE--THESE CANDYLAND CHILDREN.
WHAT IS THIS? YOU KNOW, OVER THE YEARS, WE'VE SORT OF LOST SOME OF THE PARTS FROM THE ORIGINAL GAME, SO WE'VE MIXED AND MATCHED FROM OTHERS.
WELL, ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME THE DICE.
ALL RIGHT.
CARLA.
EVERYTHING'S ALL SET UP.
YOU'RE GOING TO LaGUARDIA AIRPORT? GREAT! USE CAROUSEL "D.
" IT'S THE BUMPIEST.
NO, NO, CARLA, LOOK, I WAS TALKING TO ROBIN'S VALET, JONATHAN HE KIND OF LIKES ME.
ANYWAY, HE SAID THAT HE WAS GONNA CHILL SOME CHAMPAGNE, AND HE WOULD OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME SO I COULD GET IN ROBIN'S APARTMENT.
AND THEN HE'LL DISAPPEAR.
AND I WILL GREET MR.
COLCORD AT THE DOOR WEARING NOTHING BUT A SKIRT, A SHIRT, MY UNDERWEAR, AND A SMILE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET NAKED! NOW YOU'RE GETTIN' THE HANG OF IT.
OK, THANK YOU, CARLA.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'M BUYING REDDIN' RAILROAD AND I'M PUTTIN' UP A HOUSE.
WOODY, YOU-- YOU CAN'T PUT A HOUSE ON RAILROAD TRACKS.
WHY NOT? MY UNCLE JIM USED TO DO IT ALL THE TIME BACK IN HANOVER, AND ON THESE TRACKS NEAR WHERE WE LIVED.
I MEAN IT WASN'T A REAL HOUSE, THOUGH.
IT WAS JUST, UH, A FAKE ONE MADE OUT OF STICKS AND CANVAS.
YEAH, HE USED TO HIDE IN THE BUSHES AND TAKE PICTURES OF THE ENGINEERS SCREAMIN'.
HE WAS FUNNY, BUT HE HAD A TWISTED SIDE.
[phone ringing] CHEERS.
OH, HELLO, MR.
COLCORD.
WHY, THIS IS A BAD CONNECTION.
WHERE ARE YOU CALLIN' FROM? UH, HOLD ON A SECOND.
IT'S RICHIE RICH CALLING FROM HIS AIRPLANE.
UH, SHE'S NOT HERE RIGHT NOW.
CAN I TAKE A MESSAGE? AW, SHE'LL BE SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
YEAH, I'LL BE SURE TO TELL HER.
YEAH, WAIT, UH YOU FLY THAT PLANE ALL BY YOURSELF? REALLY? WATCH OUT FOR THAT TELEPHONE POLE.
NO, I KNOW THERE ARE NO TELEPHONE POLES THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT FUNNY.
$200 MILLION.
BUY YOURSELF A SENSE OF HUMOR.
WHERE IS REBECCA, ANYWAY? UH, SHE'S WAITIN' FOR ROBIN AT HIS APARTMENT.
OH? WELL, I GUESS I OUGHTTA CALL HER AND TELL HER HE'S GOING TO BE ABOUT 3 HOURS LATE.
YEAH.
SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO SURPRISE HIM BY WAITIN' THERE FOR HIM BUCK-NAKED.
HEY, WHERE'S SAM OFF TO? HE'S OFF TO A LUXURY APARTMENT TO MEET A NAKED WOMAN.
BOY, THAT GUY LEADS A PRETTY EXCITING LIFE COMPARED TO US, HUH? CLIFFY, COMPARED TO OURS, A TAPEWORM LEADS A PRETTY EXCITING LIFE.
YOU KNOW, I, UH, I HAPPEN TO BE A BIT OF AN EXPERT ON TAPEWORMS.
IT ALL GOES, UH, ALL GOES BACK TO MY 8TH GRADE SCIENCE FAIR.
YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY ELSE HAD RABBITS AND GUINEA PIGS.
I, UH, HAD A TAPEWORM.
REALLY? YEAH, SO I COULDN'T GO.
OR WAS THAT, UH, WAS THAT A RINGWORM? CHECK, PLEASE.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
BOY, OH, BOY.
ME AND PARASITES, DON'T GET ME STARTED.
[elevator bell dings] (Rebecca) ROBIN? UH-HUH.
I'M ON THE COUCH, IN THE DEN.
HANG A LOUIE AT MY UNDIES.
I'M SO GLAD I CAME.
HEY, I'VE HAD HALF A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.
NOW I'M STANDING IN FRONT OF THE T.
V.
NAKED.
WHAT ARE YOU WATCHIN'? [Rebecca screaming] DON'T LOOK AT ME! QUICK! THROW ME SOMETHING! OKEY-DOKEY.
NO! THROW ME SOMETHING TO WEAR! AH! LET'S SEE.
HERE WE GO.
GIVE IT TO ME.
GIVE IT! GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE ME THAT! GOD, SAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU SAW ME STANDING IN FRONT OF THE T.
V.
NAKED! I JUST CAME TO GIVE YOU A MESSAGE.
UM, ROBIN SAID HE'S GOING TO BE A FEW HOURS LATE.
GET OUT OF HERE, GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.
DAMN, WHAT, A KODAK MOMENT.
ME WITHOUT MY CAMERA.
YOU GET OUT OF HERE.
WHEW! YOU ARE SO CRANKY WHEN YOU'RE NAKED.
YOU ARE GETTING OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW, AND YOU'RE GETTING OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.
WHAT IS WITH THIS ELEVATOR? HONEY, THAT'S THE ELEVATOR BUTTON.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THIS IS.
[machine bleeping] (woman) GOOD EVENING, MR.
COLCORD.
THE TRITON SONIC 5000 SECURITY SYSTEM HAS NOW BEEN ACTIVATED.
PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM ALL ENTRY POINTS.
[beeping] [gasping] OH, GOD, WE'D BETTER GO OUT THE BACK! OH, MY GOD! LET'S GO OUT THE WAY BACK! [exclaims] SAM, [whispering] WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? UH I SAY WE SET THE TABLE.
NOW, WHAT IS WITH PEOPLE NOWADAYS? WHEN I WAS A KID, WE USED TO KEEP OUR DOORS UNLOCKED ALL THE TIME.
WE USED TO GET RIPPED OFF A LOT, BUT AT LEAST WE COULD GET OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE.
THIS WHOLE THING IS YOUR FAULT.
HEY, I WASN'T THE ONE WHO PUSHED THE STUPID BUTTONS.
OH, YEAH? WELL, ROBIN IS GONNA BE BACK HERE IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.
AND WHAT'S HE GONNA DO WHEN HE SEES THE TWO OF US TOGETHER, HUH? IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE THING IF HE SAW ME STANDING NAKED IN FRONT OF THE T.
V.
, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ROMANTIC.
WHAT'S HE GONNA DO WHEN HE COMES BACK HERE AND HE SEES THE TWO OF US TOGETHER? BOY, HONEY, IT'S-- IT'S ONE OF THOSE COMPLICATED SITUATIONS.
I THINK WHAT WE OUGHTTA DO IS, GO BACK INTO THE BEDROOM, TAKE OUR CLOTHES OFF, AND MAKE HOT, PASSIONATE LOVE.
THAT IS NOT GOING TO HELP.
IT'S NOT GONNA HURT.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
I'LL CALL THE POLICE.
THEY'LL GET US OUT.
WE HAPPEN TO BE IN THE APARTMENT, ILLEGALLY, OF ONE OF THE RICHEST MEN IN THE WORLD.
WELL, SO HE'LL VOUCH FOR US.
[scoffs] YES.
HE MAY VOUCH FOR ME AFTER HE DUMPS ME, LAUGHS AT ME, AND NEVER WANTS TO SEE ME AGAIN.
YOU, HE WILL LEAVE ROTTING IN JAIL, WHERE YOU AND YOUR PRETTY BOY FEATURES WILL BE TRADED NIGHTLY FOR A PACK OF MENTHOLS.
WELL, UH, I HATE TO SEE YOU GET DUMPED.
THERE'S JUST GOT TO BE SOMETHING AROUND HERE THAT EITHER HAS A KEY, OR A--A COMBINATION OR-- OH, HERE IT IS.
OH GOD, HERE IT IS.
JACKPOT.
WHAT DO YOU GOT? WHAT DO YOU GOT? IT'S THE ALARM SYSTEM MANUAL.
FIND OUT HOW TO TURN THE THING OFF.
OK, IT'S RIGHT HERE.
"TO DEACTIVATE THE TRITON 5000 SONIC ALARM SYSTEM, "FIND THE CONTROL PANEL MARKED 'A', "AND PRESS 4-4-1-2, GREAT.
"FOR EXAMPLE.
"OF COURSE, YOUR CODE WILL BE A SPECIAL PERSONALIZED NUMBER THAT YOU WILL CHOOSE YOURSELF.
" SO, WHAT'D I JUST DO? (woman) ATTENTION, ATTENTION, ATTENTION.
YOU HAVE ACTIVATED THE INTERNAL LASER BEAM MOTION DETECTOR.
[beeping] WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? MMM! OH, THIS IS GREAT.
IT'S JUST THAT I COME OVER FOR A LITTLE ACTION, AND I'M STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF STAR WARS.
GIVE ME THAT THING.
GOSH! "BEAMS.
" "BEAMS.
" "IF THE BEAMS ARE INTERRUPTED, "THERE WILL BE AN ARMED RESPONSE FROM THIS COMPANY, THE BOSTON POLICE, AND THE F.
B.
I.
" OH, GOD, SAM.
NOW, NOT ONLY ARE WE TRAPPED IN HERE, BUT WE CAN'T EVEN MOVE AROUND IN HERE, OR WE'LL SET OFF THE ALARM SYSTEM.
BOY, I WISH CLIFF AND NORM WERE HERE.
WHY? THEY'D THINK THIS WAS REALLY COOL.
[phone ringing] THAT IS PROBABLY ROBIN'S VALET.
HE COULD BE SOMEBODY THAT CAN HELP US GET OUT OF HERE.
I'VE GOT TO GO FOR IT.
HERE, HERE, TAKE THIS.
GIVE IT TO ME.
LOWER.
LOWER.
IS THIS GOOD? YEAH, IT'S GREAT.
[telephone ringing] [continues ringing] HELLO? OH, JUST A SECOND.
IT'S FOR YOU, SAM.
TAKE A MESSAGE.
MAY I SAY WHO'S CALLING? OH, IT'S CARLA! CARLA, GOD, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN SO PROUD OF ME.
I WAS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE T.
V.
SET NAKED YEAH, WELL, PUT IT BACK ON.
YOUR BOYFRIEND JUST CALLED AND SAID HE'S NOT GONNA MAKE IT TONIGHT AT ALL.
HE'S NOT GETTIN' BACK INTO TOWN UNTIL TOMORROW.
THANK GOODNESS.
SO, UH, HOW ARE YOU AND SAMMY GETTIN' ALONG? SO, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD HIM TO COME OVER HERE.
CARLA, I'M NEVER GOING TO CONFIDE IN YOU AGAIN.
THAT'S THANKS ENOUGH.
NOW LISTEN TO ME, CARLA, DO NOT BLAB THIS ALL OVER THE BAR, BUT SAM AND I ARE TRAPPED IN ROBIN'S HIGH-SECURITY APARTMENT BUILDING, AND WE CAN'T GET OUT.
HOLD ON A MINUTE.
THEY'RE TRAPPED IN ROBIN'S HIGH-SECURITY APARTMENT BUILDING, AND THEY CAN'T GET OUT! CARLA, LISTEN TO ME.
LISTEN TO ME.
NOW, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME STRAIGHT.
HOW GOOD ARE YOUR KIDS AT BREAKING AND ENTERING ANYWAY? AND DO NOT BRAG ABOUT 'EM, JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE THEIR MOTHER.
WELL, THAT DEPENDS.
WHAT KIND OF SYSTEM ARE WE TALKIN' ABOUT HERE? IT'S A TRITON 5000 SONIC WITH LASER BEAMS.
THEY'RE NOT THAT GOOD.
BUT FEEL FREE TO CALL IF YOU'RE EVER TRAPPED IN A LATE MODEL CAR.
THEY'LL HAVE YOU AND THE RADIO OUT IN 60 SECONDS.
OH, DAMN.
SHOOT! THAT'LL BE $1,300 AND YOUR "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" CARD.
ENJOY YOUR STAY AT BOYD'S ON BOARDWALK.
WAIT, WAIT, WOODY, I JUST REALIZED SOMETHIN'.
EVERY TIME ANYBODY DEPOSIT ANY MONEY IN THE BANK, YOU PUT IT WITH YOUR OWN.
PROVE IT, PETERSON.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
I HAVE SAT HERE FOR THE LAST 5 HOURS WATCHING EACH OF YOU LIE, STEAL AND CHEAT HIS WAY TO A SMALL FORTUNE, WHILE I SIT HERE WITH $5, ST.
JAMES' PLACE, AND THIS--THIS STUPID PICTURE OF UNCLE WIGGLY.
YOU PEOPLE HAVE NO SCRUPLES OR MORAL STANDARDS WHATSOEVER! AND WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE OF THIS GAME, AFTER ALL? I MEAN I WAS JUST TRYIN' TO TEACH WOODY THE NATURE OF ECONOMICS.
OH, WELL, THEN, BRAVO.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO, SAM? I HAVE BLOWN THIS.
I HAVE BLOWN THE ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP.
COME ON.
TAKE IT EASY.
YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK UNTIL MORNING.
YEAH, YEAH.
THAT JUST GIVES ME MORE TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT.
HOW HUMILIATED I'M GONNA BE WHEN ROBIN WALKS THROUGH THAT DOOR AND FINDS ME IN HERE WITHOUT PERMISSION, LYING ON THE FLOOR WITH A BARTENDER UNDERNEATH A GRID OF LASER BEAMS.
OH, CALM DOWN.
ENJOY THE LIGHT SHOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF, IS WHY DON'T I CRAWL OVER THERE AND WE COULD JUST TALK? YOU CAN CRAWL OVER HERE IF NOTHING ON YOUR BODY TOUCHES ANYTHING ON MY BODY.
THERE IS ONE GOOD THING ABOUT THIS WHOLE DEAL.
SEEING YOU CRAWL ON YOUR BELLY LIKE A WORM.
I'M SECURE ENOUGH OF MY MASCULINITY TO ACCEPT THAT AS A COMPLIMENT.
[exclaims] THIS WAS GOING TO BE THE MOST FABULOUS NIGHT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.
OH, COME ON, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
I'M KIND OF ENJOYING MYSELF.
I CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME THAT I LAID AWAKE AT NIGHT, JUST TALKING TO SOMEBODY.
IT MUST BE BACK WHEN I WAS A KID SHARING A BUNK BED WITH MY BROTHER.
[rasping] YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME THAT WITH ALL THOSE THOUSANDS OF WOMEN YOU SUPPOSEDLY SLEPT WITH, YOU NEVER STAYED UP AND TALKED TO ONE OF 'EM? WHAT'S TO TALK ABOUT? I MEAN, A GUY DOES ALL HIS TALKING BEFOREHAND.
[chuckles] SO, LIKE, WHAT DID YOU AND YOUR BROTHER TALK ABOUT? OH, YOU KNOW, USUAL THINGS.
COMIC BOOKS, MOVIES, RECORDS, ALL THE BABES WE WERE GONNA SCORE WITH ONCE WE GOT OUR OWN ROOM.
DID YOU EVER SHARE A ROOM WITH YOUR SISTER? OH, YEAH.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT STUPID STUFF LIKE YOU AND YOUR BROTHER TALKED ABOUT.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT DID YOU TALK ABOUT? DREAMS, ASPIRATIONS, THE MEANING OF LIFE.
IN OTHER WORDS, BOYS.
YOU BETCHA.
AND THEN WE'D DO EACH OTHER'S HAIR ALL DIFFERENT WAYS AND, AND THEN WE'D DREAM ABOUT OWNING A RANCH AND A BUNCH OF HORSES.
WH-WHAT IS IT WITH HORSES? WHY DO GIRLS GET ALL GOOPY OVER HORSES? OH, YEAH, AND LIKE GUYS ARE REAL RATIONAL ABOUT CARS? HEY, LISTEN, YOU TAKE A-- YOU TAKE A '57 CHEVY RAGTOP AND YOU PARK IT RIGHT NEXT TO SOME DUMB SPOTTED HORSE, NOW, YOU TELL ME WHICH ONE YOU WANNA MAKE OUT IN? THAT'S A GOOD POINT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S SORT OF INTERESTING.
HERE YOU AND I ARE, YOU KNOW, TALKING TO EACH OTHER LIKE THIS, INTIMATELY AND, AND I MEAN, I--I MEAN, I CAN SEE THAT WE HAVE OUR DIFFERENCES.
BUT BASICALLY, YOU KNOW, BESIDES THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A MAN AND I'M A WOMAN, I--I DON'T THINK WE'RE THAT DIFFERENT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? [snoring] [huffs] AND I DO LIKE YOU BETTER LIKE THIS.
MAN, NOT ONE SPLIT END.
WHAT IS THIS GUY'S SECRET? GOOD NIGHT, SAM.
[beeping] SOMEONE'S COMING.
HIDE.
HUH? WELL, WHO IS IT, YOUR HUSBAND? NO, SAM, WAKE UP.
SOMEBODY'S COMING.
WE HAVE TO HIDE.
[elevator bell dings] WHAT? OH.
HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE.
OK, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE SHE SEES US.
JEEZ! NO, NO, NO! OH, RIGHT.
YOU LOOK KIND OF SEXY WHEN YOU FIRST WAKE UP.
OH, THANKS, SAM.
SAM, YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL THE GUYS AT THE BAR SOME WILD TALES ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT, ARE YOU? OH, NO, NO.
I'M GONNA TELL THEM THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH.
WALKED IN HERE, FOUND YOU BUCK-NAKED, SPENT THE NIGHT ON THE FLOOR WITH YOU SURROUNDED BY COLORED LIGHTS.
ALL RIGHT.
AT LEAST TELL THEM I WAS GOOD.
I THINK I COULD SELL THAT.
YOU KNOW, SAM, I--I DO HAVE TO SAY THAT I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU.
WHY? BECAUSE WE SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT TOGETHER, AND YOU DIDN'T LAY A HAND ON ME.
I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THAT.
I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR BEING A GENTLEMAN.
OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.
UH, I WANT TO THANK YOU.
FOR WHAT? FOR BEING SUCH A SOUND SLEEPER.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
HEY!