Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Sam Ahoy

(Carla) CHEERS IS FILMED BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
MISS HOWE, CAN I HAVE TOMORROW OFF? WOODY, I PAY YOU FOR I EXPECT 40 HOURS' WORK.
BESIDES, I NEED YOU TO TAKE ME TO GO GET MY CAR ONCE IT'S FINISHED BEING DETAILED.
WELL, WHAT TIME WILL THAT BE? RIGHT AFTER MY BEAUTY SHOP APPOINTMENT.
I'M GETTING CELLOPHANE HIGHLIGHTS PUT IN MY HAIR, AND THEN I'M GONNA HAVE A MANICURE, AND THEN A PEDICURE.
PEDICURE? YEAH, I HAVE A DATE WITH ROBIN TONIGHT AND I MIGHT WANNA PLAY FOOTSIE.
ALL RIGHT, I CAN DRIVE YOU, MISS HOWE.
GOOD.
BUT--BUT AFTER THAT, IF THERE'S TIME, COULD I TAKE OFF? [sighing] GOD, WOODY.
WHAT IS SO ALL-FIRED IMPORTANT ABOUT YOUR STUPID LIFE? WELL, I COOK AND DELIVER MEALS TO ELDERLY SHUT-INS.
OH.
YOU KNOW, I--I NORMALLY DO IT ON MY DAY OFF, BUT THIS WEEK ON MY DAY OFF I'M DOING A WALKATHON FOR ILLITERACY.
WE'RE AGAINST IT.
WELL, OK, THEN THAT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT, WOODY.
OH, OH, MISS HOWE, WAIT.
I'M RECYCLING GLASS BOTTLES.
I WANT THIS WORLD TO BE CLEAN FOR OUR CHILDREN.
I MEAN, MY CHILDREN.
OR YOUR CHILDREN.
OR OUR CHILDREN.
SEEING AS HOW YOU GOT A DATE WITH SOMEONE ELSE TONIGHT, IT SEEMS LIKE A LONG SHOT.
WOODY, YOU'RE SO GOOD AND I'M SO BAD.
I--I FEEL GUILTY AND ASHAMED.
I MEAN, I FEEL LIKE KILLING MYSELF.
OH, I ALSO VOLUNTEER FOR A SUICIDE HOTLINE.
WE DO GOOD THINGS.
MAKING YOUR WAY IN THE WORLD TODAY TAKES EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT TAKING A BREAK FROM ALL YOUR WORRIES SURE WOULD HELP A LOT WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GET AWAY SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME AND THEY'RE ALWAYS GLAD YOU CAME YOU WANNA BE WHERE YOU CAN SEE OUR TROUBLES ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANNA BE WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME YOU WANNA GO WHERE PEOPLE KNOW PEOPLE ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANNA GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME [man exclaiming] OH, SAMMY, BLIND ME WITH YOUR BEAUTY.
WHAT'S WITH THE FASHION STATEMENT? WELL, I HAD TO LOOK GOOD, I HAD A MEETING OVER AT CORPORATION ABOUT BUYING CHEERS.
OH, SAM, TELL ME HOW DID IT GO? WELL, I TALKED THEM INTO IT.
THEY'RE GONNA SELL ME THE BAR BACK.
[all exclaiming] BACK IN THE SADDLE.
WELL, I'M NOT OUT OF THE WOODS YET, YOU KNOW.
I, UH, GOT TO RAISE A LITTLE BIT MORE CAPITAL AND I HAVE TO FIND MYSELF A FEW INVESTORS.
(Sam) NO, NO, NO, GUYS, GUYS.
WHOA! NOT YOU.
I'M TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE WITH REAL MONEY.
UH, WHAT'S THE MATTER, SAM? OUR MONEY'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? UH, THAT'S RIGHT.
OK.
YOU KNOW, FOR A SECOND THERE I WAS OFFENDED, BUT I GOT OVER IT.
SO, SAMMY, HOW MUCH CASH DO YOU NEED? UH, WELL.
[sighing] IN A WORD, AHEM [gasps] [exclaims] ISN'T THAT HOW MANY MILES IT IS TO THE SUN? YEAH.
YEAH, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT, HUH? OH, SAMMY, YOU CAN DO IT.
WELL, YEAH.
RIGHT, NO, OF COURSE I CAN DO IT.
[all chattering] AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU KNOW, THIS MORNING, I, UH, I MADE A RATHER CLEVER INVESTMENT OF $1,000.
WAY TO BE, SAMMY.
THAT'S USING THE OLD NOGGIN.
LET THAT MONEY WORK FOR YOU, PAL.
WHAT DID YOU INVEST IN? THIS SUIT.
LOOKS PRETTY GOOD, DOESN'T IT? YEAH.
I TELL YOU, THIS JACKET JUST OVER LEVIS ALONE IS FABULOUS.
(Frasier) WELL THE NOTION OF INVESTING IS--IS SOUND.
IN FACT I HAVE $500 HERE IN MY POCKET THAT LILITH HAS ENTRUSTED ME TO INVEST IN A GILT-EDGED BOND FOR LITTLE FREDERICK'S FUTURE.
SO LILITH CONTROLS THE PURSE STRINGS IN YOUR FAMILY, HUH? OH, YES, WITH A EAGLE-EYE.
IT'S A GOOD THING, TOO.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW ME, IF WAS LEFT TO MY OWN DEVICES, WASTREL THAT I AM, I MIGHT BLOW UP $2 A WEEK ON A LOUSY BEER.
HMM, WELL, INVESTING SOUNDS GOOD ON PAPER, FRASE, BUT PROBLEM IS, WITH INFLATION, YOU KNOW, WHEN THOSE BONDS MATURE, THAT MONEY'LL BE WORTHLESS.
SO LITTLE FREDDY WILL LOSE MONEY ON THE DEAL.
OH, WELL, SCREW HIM.
TEACH HIM LIFE IS REAL.
HEY, GANG, LOOK.
IT'S GILLIGAN AND THE MILLIONAIRE.
MR.
COLCORD, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO WALK AHEAD OF SECURITY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I KNOW THESE PEOPLE.
WAIT FOR ME OUTSIDE.
HUH, ONE SECURITY GUY, BIG DEAL.
[all scoffing] OK, BOYS, RENDEZVOUS AT THE LIMO.
BIG DEAL.
SO, UH, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE G-MEN? OH, IT'S, UH, NOTHING, REALLY.
WELL, DON'T BE MODEST, ROBIN.
PEOPLE WANT TO KILL HIM.
YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
WHO? WELL, I CAN'T GO INTO DETAIL.
LET'S JUST SAY THAT I'M INVOLVED IN DELICATE FINANCIAL DEALINGS WITH SOME SENSITIVE POLITICAL AREAS.
OH, A LITTLE, UH, ARMS TRADING THERE, HUH? THAT'S CLIFF.
PEOPLE WANNA KILL HIM, TOO.
WHO'S AFTER YOU? OH, WELL, WHO ISN'T, EH? IT'S ONE OF THE DRAWBACKS OF WEALTH.
OH, WELL, ENOUGH OF THIS ASSASSINATION FOLDEROL.
DO YOU WANNA HEAR SOMETHING REALLY EXCITING? ROBIN TOOK ME TO THE HARBOR TODAY TO SEE HIS NEW SAILBOAT, AND AS COINCIDENCE WOULD HAVE IT, IT IS CALLED THE REBECCA.
YOU NAMED YOUR BOAT AFTER MISS HOWE? NO, I CHRISTENED HER LONG BEFORE I MET MISS HOWE.
IN FACT I NAMED HER FOR THE BIBLICAL REBECCA.
(Rebecca) BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
I HAD AN AUNT WHO WAS NAMED AFTER THE BIBLICAL REBECCA, AND I AM NAMED AFTER HER.
AND THAT ISN'T THE END OF IT.
SHE WAS BIG AS A BOAT AND OLD AS THE BIBLE.
AH, YES, REBECCA, WASN'T THAT THE MAIDEN KING DAVID, UH, ESPIED TAKING A BATH IN HER BIRTHDAY SUIT? MMM, NO, NO, COULD BE-- I THINK THAT WAS BATHSHEBA.
I THINK REBECCA'S THE ONE THAT TURNED INTO A PILLAR OF SALT.
NO, NO, THAT-- THAT WAS, UH, LOT'S WIFE.
SHE DIDN'T HAVE A NAME OF HER OWN.
THEN WHAT DID LOT DO WITH HER AFTER SHE TURNED INTO SALT? KEPT HER BY THE PRETZELS, I BET, HUH? THEY HAD PRETZELS IN BIBLICAL TIMES? YEAH.
I THINK I JUST HAD ONE, TOO.
SO, WHERE IS THE BOAT NOW? OH, WE JUST, UH, GOT REBECCA OUT OF DRY DOCKS.
SCRAPING THE BARNACLES OFF HER BOTTOM.
NOT ONE WORD.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS A BAR.
I'M FREE TO SAY WHATEVER I WANT.
I'LL GIVE YOU $5.
MUM'S THE WORD.
YES, I'M, UH, PREPARING TO SAIL HER IN THE CAPE COD REGATTA THIS AFTERNOON.
OH, FAST BOAT, HUH? YES.
YOU WON'T FIND ONE FASTER THAN REBECCA.
AHEM.
SIR, THIS JUST CAME OVER THE FAX IN THE LIMOUSINE.
DAMN IT, MY BAUXITE MINERS ARE THREATENING ME WITH A WILDCAT STRIKE AT MIDNIGHT UNLESS I NEGOTIATE WITH THEM PERSONALLY.
BAUXITE, HUH? THAT'S THE STUFF THEY MAKE MISSILE CASINGS OUT OF, ISN'T IT? DON'T CUT THIS GUY OFF IN TRAFFIC.
UH, FAX THEM I'M ON MY WAY AND FILL A BRIEFCASE FULL OF CASH.
(man) YES, SIR.
DRAT, THERE GOES THE RACE.
I MEAN, I SPENT ALL THAT TIME CLEANING REBECCA UP, AND NOW I CAN'T GET HER OUT OF HER SLIP.
THAT'S WORTH $10 IF IT'S WORTH A NICKEL.
YOU KNOW, IT'S, UH, TOO BAD YOU CAN'T ENTER THAT RACE.
RIGHT HERE IN THE PAPER THE FIRST PRIZE IS, UH, $10,000.
IT'S UP TO $10,000? YEAH.
UH, GENTLEMAN, IN THE TIME IT TAKES ME TO SAY $10,000, I MAKE $10,000.
OH, THERE I GO AGAIN.
LOOK.
$10,000.
YES, IT ALSO WORKS IF YOU SAY IT.
WELL, I'D BETTER MAKE SOME CALLS AND RATTLE SOME CAGES BEFORE I GO OFF TO THE MINES.
UH, REBECCA, IS THE PHONE IN YOUR OFFICE TAPPED? NO.
NOTHING SHE HAS HAS BEEN TAPPED FOR 3 YEARS.
HEY, SAMMY, WHY DON'T YOU SAIL ROBIN'S BOAT? YOU COULD REALLY USE THE MONEY.
YEAH, I'M SURE HE'S GONNA GIVE HIS FANCY BOAT NAMED AFTER MY FAT AUNT TO YOU.
WELL, YOU CAN ASK HIM.
YEAH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
I WOULD.
OF COURSE, YOU KNOW, HE'LL PROBABLY LAUGH AT ME AND SAY, "WHY SHOULD I GIVE YOU MY BOAT?" BUT THEN I COULD SAY, "WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S A-- IT'S A BUSINESS DEAL, AND IF I WIN, THEN YOU'LL HAVE THIS, UH, THIS BEAUTIFUL TROPHY.
" YEAH.
OF COURSE THEN HE'LL PROBABLY LOOK AT ME AND SAY, "WHY SHOULD I GIVE A YUTZ LIKE YOU MY FANCY BOAT?" WELL THEN I'D SAY, "HEY, LISTEN TO ME.
"I, YOU KNOW, I HAPPEN TO BE A VERY GOOD SAILOR.
"AS A MATTER OF FACT, IN '83 I CAME CLOSE TO WINNING THAT RACE.
AND WHERE DID YOU GET OFF CALLING ME A YUTZ?" YOU KNOW? "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.
" AND HE'D PROBABLY SAY, "I MAY NOT KNOW YOU, BUT I KNOW YOUR KIND.
" YOU KNOW, AND THAT WOULD REALLY TICK ME OFF.
SO I'D SAY, "HEY, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.
WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU JUST STEP OUTSIDE WITH ME?" UH, I WAS THINKING, SAM, UH, REBECCA TELLS ME YOU'RE A SAILOR.
WHY DON'T YOU RACE MY BOAT? OH, SURE.
YEAH, GREAT.
HEY, I HAPPEN TO BE A VERY GOOD SAILOR.
YES.
FINE.
AND I'M NOT A YUTZ.
GOOD FOR YOU, SAM.
I'LL CALL YOU LATER.
OH, SAM, YOU CAN PICK THE KEYS UP AT PIER 17, IN THE YACHT CLUB.
AND YOU'LL NEED A CREW.
REBECCA TAKES 3 MEN.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
BUY 4, GET ONE FREE.
HEY, GUYS, HUH, HOW ABOUT THIS? I'M GOING TO BE IN THE REGATTA THIS AFTERNOON.
WELL, YOU JUST BETTER NOT DO ANYTHING TO THAT BOAT BECAUSE ROBIN HAS PROMISED ME THAT THE TWO OF US ARE GONNA TAKE A CRUISE ON THE REBECCA TO THE VIRGIN ISLANDS.
WOW, A BOAT AND AN ISLAND NAMED AFTER YOU IN THE SAME DAY.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GET ME A CREW HERE, DON'T I? UM, WELL, SAY THERE, CARLA YES.
YOU'RE, UH, USED TO BEING AROUND SAILORS, AREN'T YOU? MMM-HMM.
I'M WITH YOU, SAMMY.
ANYTHING TO GET THIS BAR BACK.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ONE.
UH, ONE MORE TO GO HERE.
AHEM.
(Sam) UH COME ON, MAN, YOU WERE IN THE COAST GUARD, WEREN'T YOU? RIGHT, SAM.
I'D GO WITH YOU IN A SECOND IF IT WEREN'T FOR THOSE HORSES.
WHAT HORSES? WILD ONES.
THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM STRONG ENOUGH TO DRAG ME ON BOARD A BOAT NOW.
WE'LL BE BRINGIN' A COOLER OF BEER.
[grunting] COME ON! ALL RIGHT! HEY, I GOT MY CREW HERE.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, I'M GOING TO MAKE A CALL OVER TO, UH, GARY'S OLD TOWN TAVERN TO SEE IF I CAN GET, UH, A LITTLE BETTING GOIN' ON WITH THOSE PIGEONS DOWN THERE.
OK, SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU SAY, UH $100 SAYS WE LOSE? HEY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
ALL RIGHT, $5 SAYS WE WIN.
HELLO, GAR? YEAH, CLIFF CLAVIN OVER HERE AT CHEERS.
HEY, IT'S MR.
WEENIE TO YOU, PAL.
LET'S HUDDLE UP HERE, CARLA.
ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN, UH, WE GOT TO REMEMBER SOMETHING HERE NOW.
WE CAN NO LONGER THINK OF OURSELVES AS 3 INDIVIDUALS.
WE ARE 3 PARTS OF THE SAME MACHINE WORKING TOGETHER.
ONE SINGLE PURPOSE.
NOT TO DROWN.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
NOT TO DROWN AND WIN THE RACE.
OK, WHAT ABOUT, YOU KNOW, GETTING ALL WET AND GETTING SICK? ALL RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT BUYING THE BAR BACK? ALL RIGHT, 4-- DOES ANYONE HAVE A PIECE OF PAPER HERE? ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
I, UH, STRUCK A DEAL WITH GARY.
HE SAYS THAT HE'LL GIVE US 5 TO ONE ODDS IF WE CAN COME UP WITH, UH, $500 CASH BEFORE THE RACE.
WHERE THE HELL ARE WE GONNA GET $500 CASH? YEAH.
YEAH.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
WHO IN THE WORLD CARRIES $500 IN THEIR POCKET? YEAH.
GOT ANY IDEAS THERE, FRASE? LET'S SEE.
UM I FIND MYSELF IN THE HORNS OF A DILEMMA.
DO I KEEP THE MONEY? IN WHICH CASE, YOU GUYS WOULD PANTS ME AND HANG ME FROM THE NEAREST FLAGPOLE.
OR, UH, DO I GIVE YOU THE MONEY? IN WHICH CASE MY DARLING WIFE WILL SEE TO IT THAT I DON'T NEED PANTS AGAIN.
NO, IT SEEMS TO ME THERE'S ONLY ONE DECENT THING TO DO.
RUN LIKE A JACKRABBIT! OH, NO, LILITH, NO, YOU'RE MISTAKEN.
YOU DID NOT GIVE ME $500.
I MEAN, HONEY, HOW WOULD I FORGET A THING LIKE THAT? WELL, DID YOU-- DID YOU LOOK UNDER ALL THE SOFA CUSHIONS? AND HOW ABOUT, UH, BEHIND YOUR DRESSER? YES, WELL, WELL, KEEP ON LOOKING.
MAYBE IT'S IN YOUR WEB.
HEY, GUYS, ALL SPORTS IS SHOWING SAMMY'S BOAT RACE.
(commentator on T.
V.
) ROUND THE FIRST BUOY, ORION IS IN THE LEAD.
MICKEY "G" IS 2ND, AND BLUE HORIZON A CLOSE 3RD.
REBECCA IS TRAILING DEAD LAST.
COME ON, SAMMY! BABY NEEDS A BACHELOR OF ARTS DEGREE! AH, DON'T WORRY THERE, FRASE.
YOU KNOW, SAMMY'S AN EXPERIENCED SAILOR.
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW ONCE HE WHIPS CARLA AND NORM INTO AN EXPERIENCED AND EFFICIENT CREW, HE'S GONNA HAVE THAT BABY SAIL LIKE A SWISS WATCH.
SO, YOU'RE TELLING ME I SHOULD KISS MY $500 GOODBYE.
PUCKER UP, BABY.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, STAND BY! STAND BY ON THE MAINSAIL! STAND BY TO COME ABOUT! HEY, COME ON, GUYS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? STANDING BY THE COOLER.
CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING, SAM? HEY, COME ON.
THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO WIN BACK SAMMY'S BAR HERE.
COME ON, SAM.
WE'VE LOST THE RACE, GOTTEN SICK, MADE FOOLS OF OURSELVES.
I SAY IT'S MILLER TIME, PAL.
(Carla) YEAH.
HEY, WHAT IS THAT, QUITTER'S TALK? IF IT'S NOT, WE'LL THINK OF SOME MORE.
YEAH.
WELL, I'M NOT GIVIN' UP.
HOW ABOUT ANOTHER BEER, NORM? YEAH, COMIN' UP.
UH-OH.
THAT'S IT FOR THE CHEAP STUFF.
LET'S SEE IF COLCORD KEEPS ANYTHING IN HIS FRIDGE.
OH, YEAH.
BREAK IT OUT.
[clearing throat] BINGO.
ALL RIGHT.
WHY WOULD COLCORD KEEP A DIGITAL CLOCK IN HIS REFRIGERATOR? THAT'S WEIRD.
YEAH.
IT HAS LIKE, UH, ALL THESE WIRES COMIN' OUT OF IT.
IT'S GOIN' BACKWARDS, TOO.
DOES IT HAVE A SNOOZE BUTTON? NO, NO, IT JUST HAS THIS THING MARKED "DETONATOR.
" (both) UH-OH.
SAM! SAM! WHAT? I CAN'T KEEP COMIN' DOWN HERE EVERY 2 SECONDS.
COME ON, GUYS, YOU SHOULD BE UP THERE.
WE'RE ALL GONNA BE UP THERE IN A SECOND, SAM.
OVER HERE, OVER THERE, EVERYWHERE.
WE'RE GONNA BE CHUM, PAL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? THERE'S A BOMB IN THE FRIDGE.
WHAT? OH, NO! [exclaiming] [beeping] OH, BOY.
WELL, MAYBE IT'S, UH, ONE OF THOSE, UH, DEVICES TO KEEP YOU FROM RAIDING THE REFRIGERATOR, HUH? NO.
TRUST ME, SAMMY.
I'VE SEEN THEM ALL.
ALL RIGHT, LOOKS LIKE WE GOT ABOUT LET'S NOT PANIC.
LET GO OF ME.
DON'T--DON'T TOUCH ME.
ALL RIGHT, OK, UH, ALL RIGHT, WE'LL JUST, UH WELL, WE'LL CALL THE COAST GUARD IS WHAT WE'LL DO HERE.
THEY'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO.
ALL RIGHT, JUST DON'T PANIC HERE.
DON'T PANIC.
PANIC IS OUR WORST ENEMY.
YEAH, WELL, THIS BOMB IS A CLOSE 2ND, SAMMY.
MAYDAY, MAYDAY.
DAMN.
THIS THING DOESN'T SEEM TO BE WORKING HERE.
OH, GOD.
MAYDAY-- YEAH, WELL, THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM THERE, SAMMY.
WELL, WHAT DO WE DO NOW, SKIPPER? I THINK WE OUGHT TO RELY ON AN OLD, UH, SKILL THAT I LEARNED IN THE COAST GUARD.
UH, RADIOS, MUNITIONS NO, NO.
ABANDON SHIP! ABANDON SHIP! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! ALL RIGHT, CAREFUL, CAREFUL.
[all clamoring] ALL RIGHT, I GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT.
(Sam) ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE THOSE FINS OUT THERE? (Carla) SHARKS! (Norm) ABANDON WATER! ABANDON WATER! OH! OH GOD.
OH, HOLD IT.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT? HOW ABOUT THIS? IF ONE OF US IS WILLING TO GO OVERBOARD UH-HUH.
AND CREATE A DIVERSION FOR THE SHARKS, THEN MAYBE SAMMY AND I COULD SWIM TO SAFETY.
I NEVER LIKED YOU, CARLA.
ALL RIGHT, WAIT, WAIT.
COME ON, NOW.
COME ON.
SAMMY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR DINGHY? OH, YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA MISS MOST OF ALL.
IDIOT! I MEAN THE LITTLE BOAT WE CAN GET AWAY IN.
OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
WHAT AM I THINKING HERE? ALL RIGHT, OK, HERE WE GO.
THERE IT IS.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, HOW DOES IT WORK? YEAH, YOU TAKE UP ON DECK AND YOU PULL THIS CORD HERE.
[hissing] NO, NOT YET! [exclaiming] "PULL CORD.
YOU'RE GONNA DIE.
" OH, WE'RE GONNA DIE.
WE'RE GONNA DIE.
WE'RE GONNA DIE.
NO.
WE'RE GONNA DIE.
OK, COME ON, JUST LISTEN, LISTEN, YOU GUYS, LISTEN.
WE'VE STILL GOT TIME HERE.
NOW, IF YOU HELP ME, MAYBE WE CAN, UH WE--WE SAIL THIS THING TO SHORE BEFORE IT BLOWS UP.
DO YOU REALLY THINK WE COULD DO THAT? YEAH, YEAH, YOU BET I DO.
IF WE DON'T, WE'LL DIE TRYING.
COME ON.
COME ON, MAN.
LET'S GO FOR IT, SAMMY! (Sam) HERE, GET THIS ROPE.
I GOT IT.
[Carla chattering] IF I GO, I'M NOT GOIN' ALONE.
[beeping] WERE YOU SCARED, SAM? ARE YOU KIDDING? I SAW MY HAIR PASS BEFORE MY EYES.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.
REALLY.
I MEAN, WE--WE JUST BARELY MADE IT TO THIS LITTLE INLET.
RIGHT? WE JUMPED OFF THE BOAT ONTO THE BEACH, WE RAN ABOUT 50 YARDS, AND THIS BABY EXPLODED LIKE A ROMAN CANDLE.
I'M TELLING YOU THERE WERE BITS OF BOAT EVERYWHERE.
UNBELIEVABLE.
THAT IS TRULY HORRIFYING.
YEAH, HOW ABOUT THIS, HUH? WAS THAT WHERE A PIECE OF THE BOAT HIT YOU? NO, I RIPPED MY THUMB ON ONE OF COLCORD'S BEERS.
THOSE IMPORTS DON'T HAVE TWISTOFFS.
IT STILL SMARTS.
YOU KNOW, UH, SOMETHING VERY SIMILAR HAPPENED TO ME ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO.
YOU SEE, MY MA WAS MAKIN' THIS HOMEMADE BREAD IN A CROCK POT-- WAIT A MINUTE, CLIFF.
UNLESS THAT CROCK POT EXPLODED IN YOUR FACE, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT, OK? THERE'S NO COMPARISON.
WELL, SUFFICE IT TO SAY, THAT WAS THE WEEK I STARTED GROWIN' THIS MOUSTACHE.
WELL, IT'S CLOSIN' TIME, GUYS.
YEP, I'M OUT OF HERE.
I THINK ME AND MY CREW ARE GONNA HANG OUT HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
LISTEN, FRASE, MAN, I-I'M SORRY ABOUT LOSING YOUR $500 LIKE THAT.
I HOPE LILITH DOESN'T GIVE YOU TOO TOUGH A TIME.
OH, YOU KNOW, I-- I PAINT A PRETTY UGLY PICTURE OF LILITH ONCE IN A WHILE, BUT DEEP DOWN, SHE'S REALLY A PRETTY GOOD-HEARTED AND FORGIVING PERSON.
WOW.
GIVE HER MY BEST WHEN YOU GET HOME.
HOME? ARE YOU NUTS? I'M STAYING AT THE SHERATON FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
WELL, GUYS, THAT'S ANOTHER HALF-HOUR THAT WE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD IF WE HADN'T GOTTEN OFF THAT BOAT.
YEAH.
PHEW.
I TELL YOU A BRUSH WITH DEATH LIKE THAT REALLY CHANGES YOU.
MMM.
FROM NOW ON, I'M REALLY GOING TO APPRECIATE BEER.
I'LL GO GET MY COAT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT GETS ME.
WE ALMOST GET KILLED FOR THIS JERK ROBIN COLCORD, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN-- HE DIDN'T CALL US, DIDN'T SEND US FLOWERS NO.
DIDN'T FAX.
NOT A WORD, NO.
I TELL YOU SOMETHING, IT'S THE LAST TIME I'M GONNA ALMOST BLOW UP FOR THAT GUY.
[sighs] I BETTER CALL VERA, I SUPPOSE.
YEAH, I BET SHE'S WORRIED SICK.
YEAH.
I TELL YOU, IF I ACT UPSET ENOUGH, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO PARLAY THIS INTO A POKER WEEKEND.
AH, THERE YOU ARE, SAM.
YEAH.
HERE I AM.
I GOT BACK FROM THE UNION MEETING AND JUST NOW HEARD ABOUT THE EXPLOSION.
WELL, WE'RE ALL OK.
YES, I CAN SEE THAT.
NOW, WOULD YOU SIGN THESE, UH, RELEASE FORMS? IT'S, UH, JUST A TECHNICALITY FROM MY INSURANCE DEPARTMENT BUT IT WILL PROTECT YOU FROM FURTHER HASSLES.
RELEASE FORMS? I MEAN, THAT'S ALL YOU CARE ABOUT, IS SAVING YOUR BUTT.
YOU KNOW, WE WENT THROUGH HELL OUT THERE.
YES, I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING OF.
UM, BELIEVE ME, IF I'D KNOWN THERE WAS A BOMB ONBOARD THE BOAT, I WOULD NEVER HAVE LET YOU NEAR IT.
I JUST ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE, AND, UH WILL YOU LET ME DO SOMETHING FOR YOU? NOW, SAM, HOW MUCH DO YOU SUPPOSE YOUR LIFE IS WORTH? SHOULD WE SAY $50,000? DOES THAT SOUND FAIR? WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? NO, NO, I'VE INSULTED YOU.
$60,000.
$50,000 IN CASH, AND $10,000 IN STOCK OPTIONS.
STOP.
HEY, STOP THAT.
THIS--THIS IS NOT ABOUT MONEY.
THIS IS ABOUT HUMAN LIFE.
MINE AND MY FRIENDS'.
YOU KNOW, YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND THIS, BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU CAN'T BUY.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS MORE PRECIOUS THAN MONEY.
HUMAN LIFE AND A LITTLE SIMPLE HUMAN DIGNITY.
YES, OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE STILL HYSTERICAL, SAM.
NO, I'M NOT.
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE YOUR CHECKBOOK AND DROP IT DOWN YOUR BAUXITE MINE.
YOU KNOW, MY LIFE IS WORTH MORE THAN MONEY.
UH, SAM, IF YOU'RE TRYING TO HAGGLE-- NO, I'M NOT.
I DON'T WANT YOUR MONEY, OK? I JUST WANT A LITTLE SIMPLE APOLOGY AND A LITTLE CONCERN FOR ALL OF US.
YEAH.
YEAH.
OK, UM, I'M SORRY.
HOW ARE YOU ALL? OK.
NOT TOO BAD, YOU KNOW.
YES, WELL, I'M OFF.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? RICH PEOPLE.
WE ALMOST DIED FOR HIM AND HE THINKS HE CAN SPREAD A LITTLE MONEY AROUND AND MAKE IT ALL RIGHT.
YEAH.
RICH PEOPLE ARE SICK.
I'M GLAD HE DIDN'T MENTION THAT WHEN I WAS THERE.
I WOULD HAVE TAKEN A POKE AT HIM.
YEAH.
I SAID IT FOR ALL OF US.
I TOLD HIM WHAT TO DO WITH HIS CHECK.
YEAH, WE'RE WITH YOU, SAM.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? THINKING HE CAN COME IN HERE AND BUY THE 3 OF US FOR A MEASLY $60,000.
ABANDON SAMMY! ROBIN! YO, YO, ROBIN.
HEY, ROBIN! (both) ABANDON SAMMY! ABANDON SAMMY!