Cheers s08e26 Episode Script

(Sam) CHEERS IS FILMED BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
HEY, WOODY.
I'LL HAVE A NICE, TALL ICED TEA.
YEAH, IN JUST A SECOND, DR.
CRANE.
I GOTTA TAKE A COUPLE OF ASPIRIN.
I GOT A SPLITTING HEADACHE.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S A SCHOOL OF THOUGHT THAT SUGGESTS THAT ALL PHYSICAL PAIN, HEADACHE, EARACHE, STOMACHACHE, WHAT HAVE YOU A HEADACHE.
PAY ATTENTION.
THANK YOU.
ANYWAY, THESE PEOPLE SAY THAT THOSE PAINS ARE MERELY PHYSICAL MANIFESTATIONS OF SOME DEEPER TRAUMA, EITHER PSYCHOLOGICAL, EMOTIONAL, OR SPIRITUAL.
SEE, SUPPOSE YOU JUST RELAX AND TRY TO REMEMBER THE VERY THING YOU WERE THINKING WHEN THE HEADACHE FIRST STARTED.
THEN WE MAY BE ABLE TO GET TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I WAS, UH, I WAS STANDING HERE, AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID, I WAS THE ONLY KID IN MY TOWN WHO DIDN'T HAVE A BICYCLE.
OK, GO WITH THAT.
I MEAN, ALL THE OTHER KIDS HAD ONE.
WHY NOT ME? EXCELLENT.
CONTINUE.
AND THEN I BENT DOWN REAL FAST TO PICK UP A NAPKIN AND-- [thudding.]
[sighing.]
I HIT MY HEAD AGAIN! SO WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS, DR.
CRANE? MAKING YOUR WAY IN THE WORLD TODAY TAKES EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT TAKING A BREAK FROM ALL YOUR WORRIES SURE WOULD HELP A LOT WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GET AWAY SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME AND THEY'RE ALWAYS GLAD YOU CAME YOU WANNA BE WHERE YOU CAN SEE OUR TROUBLES ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANNA BE WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME YOU WANNA GO WHERE PEOPLE KNOW PEOPLE ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANNA GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME (Carla) LAST WEEK ON CHEERS NOW ALL WE REALLY KNOW IS THAT ROBIN IS USING MY--MY SECRET PASSWORD TO BREAK INTO MY CORPORATION'S CONFIDENTIAL FILES.
AND FROM THE DATE ON THESE, WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S BEEN DOING IT SINCE WELL, SINCE THE DAY AFTER WE FIRST SLEPT TOGETHER.
SO ALL I THINK WE CAN REALLY CONCLUDE FROM THIS IS THAT I AM TOO STUPID TO LIVE! REBECCA.
MY DARLING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M TURNING YOU IN.
YOU USED ME.
AND DON'T TRY TO DENY IT BECAUSE I'VE GOT PROOF.
ROBIN, I'M A HUMAN BEING AND I DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE ONE.
WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME I STOOD UP AND DID WHAT WAS RIGHT.
GOODBYE, ROBIN.
REBECCA.
WILL YOU MARRY ME? OK.
NO, WHOA, WHOA, WAIT.
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.
BUT, IT'S-- IT'S NOT REBECCA'S FAULT.
IT'S NOT HER.
IT--IT'S ROBIN COLCORD WHO PLANNED THIS WHOLE HOSTILE TAKEOVER THING.
I MEAN, SHE CALLED THIS MEETING TO WARN YOU.
IT'S NOT HER FAULT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY EVIDENCE TO BACK IT UP? YEAH, YOU BET I DO.
YOU WANT EVIDENCE? LOOK AT THIS.
IF THIS DOESN'T CLEAR REBECCA'S GOOD NAME, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL, HUH? I MEAN, LOOK AT IT.
[people chattering.]
HEY, WOOD, YOU SEE THE PAPER? NO.
I DON'T READ THE PAPER ANYMORE.
IT'S TOO DEPRESSING.
MANY PEOPLE FEEL THAT WAY, WOODY.
YEAH, I MEAN, UH, LUCY'S ALWAYS PULLING THE FOOTBALL AWAY FROM CHARLIE BROWN.
THE LOCKHORNS ARE ALWAYS FIGHTING.
HENRY STILL DOESN'T HAVE A MOUTH.
WOODY, WOODY.
FRONT PAGE.
LOOK WHO GOT INDICTED FOR INSIDER TRADING.
WOW.
THAT GUY LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE ROBIN COLCORD.
WHOA! HE EVEN HAS THE SAME NAME.
HEY, LET'S KID HIM ABOUT IT WHEN HE COMES IN, HUH? WOODY, THIS IS OBVIOUSLY THE SAME ROBIN COLCORD THAT WE ALL KNOW.
WELL, THEN IT'LL BE EVEN FUNNIER.
WELL, IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE JUSTICE DONE.
BUT I--I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I HATE TO THINK OF THE POOR MAN IN PRISON.
THOSE WRETCHED PLACES ARE FILLED WITH THE WORST DEGENERATES AND MOST WORTHLESS DIRTY SCUM EVER ON THIS PLANET.
FRASIER, WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? WELL, I WAS A PRISON COUNSELOR.
YOU KNOW, VERY OFTEN, I WAS THEIR ONLY FRIEND.
SO WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE WILL HAPPEN TO MR.
COLCORD? WELL, I SUPPOSE HE'LL GET THE FULL MEASURE OF THE LAW.
YOU SEE, THIS COUNTRY IS SICK AND TIRED OF THESE CORPORATE RAIDERS THAT HAVE PLUNDERED OUR ECONOMY.
THE DAYS OF JUNK BONDS AND WALL STREET DEALS ARE BEHIND US.
ALTHOUGH I--I DO HEAR THERE'S SOME GOOD PENNY STOCKS OUT THERE.
SAY, YOU KNOW, I THINK I'LL GIVE MY BROKER A CALL.
GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE.
WELL, MR.
COLCORD, WHAT A SURPRISE.
I HATE TO BRING UP A SENSITIVE SUBJECT, BUT SHOULDN'T YOU BE RECEIVING LOVE LETTERS FROM A CERTAIN ONE-EARED GENTLEMAN NAMED TURK ABOUT NOW? EXCUSE ME? OH, YOU'RE REFERRING TO MY ARREST, UH ROBIN IS OUT ON BAIL, AND IT LOOKS LIKE HE'LL PROBABLY GET OFF.
HE HAS A CLEAN RECORD, AND THIS IS HIS FIRST OFFENSE, AND I THINK THE JUDGE WILL BE VERY LENIENT WITH HIM.
OH, I MUST RUN.
I'VE GOT A MEETING WITH COUNSEL TO DISCUSS MY DEFENSE STRATEGY.
CAN'T LET YOU BE THE BRIDE OF A CONVICT, HMM? IF HE GOES TO JAIL, HE'LL BE THE BRIDE OF A CONVICT.
THE SOCIAL LIFE OF THOSE PEOPLE IS SHOCKING.
BYE-BYE, SWEETIE.
EVERYTHING IS GONNA TURN OUT FINE.
THAT'S THE WAY WE'LL BE KISSING ON VISITING DAY FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SO SURE HE WAS GETTIN' OFF.
ARE YOU KIDDING? HE'LL FRY.
STREET LAMPS WILL DIM.
REBECCA, THEY DO NOT FRY PEOPLE FOR INSIDER TRADING.
BUT WHAT IF THEY DO, NORM? WHAT IF THEY DO? I MEAN, I LOVE THAT MAN, AND I'M JUST ABOUT READY TO LOSE HIM.
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO BE WITHOUT VERA FOR 20 YEARS? OH, MY GOD.
YOU SEE? YOU'D MISS VERA.
OH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID BEER.
OH, HEY, REBECCA.
THERE YOU ARE.
YOU HEARD THEY GOT HIM, HUH, SAM? YEAH.
YEAH, I REALLY FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT THAT.
I--I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
I THOUGHT THAT, AND I REALLY FEEL ASHAMED TO SAY THIS, BUT I THOUGHT THAT YOU RATTED ON ROBIN.
BUT THEN I REALIZED YOU WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING THAT INDECENT, AND I KNOW THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU HATE ROBIN, YOU WOULD NEVER JEOPARDIZE MY HAPPINESS LIKE THAT.
OH, BOY, UH, YOU REALLY KNOW ME BETTER THAN I KNOW MYSELF.
WELL, I'M GONNA GO FRESHEN UP.
EVERY TIME I CRY LIKE THIS I GET ALL RED AND SWOLLEN AND PUFFY AND RAW.
AND THAT'S JUST YOUR ANKLES.
GOODBYE.
POOR KID.
JUST WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE THINGS ARE GONNA WORK OUT FOR HER, LIKE SHE'S GONNA FINALLY ACHIEVE HER LIFE'S DREAM, HER--HER HEART GETS BROKEN, AND HER WHOLE LIFE IS SHATTERED YET AGAIN.
YUP.
YOU CAN JUST ABOUT SET YOUR WATCH BY IT.
MR.
MALONE, I'M GLAD I CAUGHT UP WITH YOU.
THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS IS ANXIOUS TO REWARD YOU FOR SAVING OUR CORPORATION.
(Cliff) SAVIN' THE CORPORATION? UH, YEAH, UH WELL, THANKS.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST, UH, SEND ME A CALENDAR OR SOMETHING? OH, NO, NO, NO.
SAM, YOU'RE BEING MUCH TOO MODEST.
WE KNOW YOU'VE BEEN TRYING TO BUY BACK THIS BAR FOR SOME TIME NOW, AND WE'VE DECIDED THAT, AS A TOKEN OF OUR GRATITUDE, THE LEAST WE CAN DO IS SELL IT TO YOU AT A REDUCED PRICE.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
HOW MUCH? $1.
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
THIS BAR? I--I GIVE YOU $1, AND--AND THIS BAR IS MINE? THAT'S RIGHT, MR.
MALONE.
NO CATCH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
THIS BAR IS MINE, AND ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GIVE YOU-- OH, SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT! HEY, GIVE ME $1, HUH? I'M TAPPED OUT.
ANYBODY.
W-WOODY, GIVE ME $1, MAN.
NOW, YOU ALREADY OWE ME $1, SAM.
COME ON.
SAM, I GOT A QUARTER.
OH, HEY, HEY, SAMMY, HERE--HERE'S A DIME.
HERE, HERE, HERE'S 4 BITS.
GREAT.
I, UH, OK, I--I GOT, UH, 85 CENTS HERE.
HMM, I'LL TAKE IT.
ALL RIGHT! HEY, GUYS, I LOW-BALLED HIM.
THERE'S THE TITLE DEED, MR.
MALONE.
[exclaiming.]
SAMMY, WHAT'S GOING ON? I JUST BOUGHT THE BAR BACK.
SAMMY'S GOT THE BAR BACK! WHAT? [all cheering.]
(all chanting) SAMMY'S GOT THE BAR BACK! SAMMY'S GOT THE BAR BACK! SAMMY'S GOT THE BAR BACK! SAMMY'S GOT THE BAR BACK! SAMMY'S GOT THE BAR BACK! SAMMY'S GOT THE BAR BACK! SAMMY'S GOT THE BAR BACK! SAMMY'S GOT THE BAR BACK! SAMMY'S GOT THE BAR BACK! SHUT UP! SOME OF US MIGHT BE DEPRESSED.
HEY, SAM GOT THE BAR BACK, MISS HOWE WHAT? GOODBYE, MR.
MALONE.
YEAH, THANKS VERY MUCH.
WELL, IT'S THE LEAST WE CAN DO FOR THE MAN WHO GAVE US COLCORD.
YOU TURNED ROBIN IN! YOU ARE A DEAD MAN, BUDDY! YOU ARE A DEAD MAN! (all chanting) SAMMY IS A DEAD MAN! SAMMY IS A DEAD MAN! SAMMY IS A DEAD MAN! SAMMY IS A DEAD MAN! MY BAR.
IT'S MY BAR.
MY BAR.
MY GLASSES, MY TABLES.
[gasping.]
MY, MY.
SAMMY, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.
YEAH! [laughing.]
HEY, HEY.
I KNOW HOW WE SHOULD CELEBRATE.
YEAH? WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE ME RIGHT ON TOP OF THE BAR LIKE YOU DID IN THE OLD DAYS.
I NEVER DID THAT.
THEN WHO WAS THAT GUY? OH, THAT WAS THE MANAGER OF THE BAR WHERE I WORKED BEFORE THIS.
HEY, CAN ANYBODY GIVE ME A RIDE TO THE BROKEN SPOKE? HEY, GUYS, GUYS, HUH? REMEMBER THIS, HUH? ALL RIGHT.
(all) HEY.
YEAH, YOU'VE BEEN GONE TOO LONG, BIG GUY.
[exclaiming.]
WELL, SOMEHOW, EVERYTHING FEELS ALL RIGHT WITH THIS WORLD TONIGHT.
YUP, IT'S ONLY BEEN A FEW HOURS, CLIFFIE, BUT THE AIR SMELLS FRESHER, STOOL'S A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE, AND THE BEER TASTES BETTER.
OK, GUYS.
CLOSING TIME.
BEAT IT.
I DON'T KNOW IF I LIKE THE NEW OWNER, THOUGH.
COME ON, NORM, I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE.
(Frasier) WELL, WARMEST CONGRATULATIONS, SAM.
YOU KNOW, IT'S ALWAYS HEARTENING TO SEE A MAN REALIZE HIS DREAM.
ESPECIALLY POIGNANT WHEN HE REALIZES SUCH A PATHETIC DREAM.
THANKS, MAN.
OH, I ONLY JOKE WITH YOU, SAM, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE JOKING.
[sobbing.]
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW I LOVED YOU.
UH, FELLAS, FELLAS, YOU WANT-- YOU WANT TO GIVE FRASIER A RIDE HOME HERE? [sobbing.]
I LOVE YOU ALL, I WELL, IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR A MAN TO CRY, YOU KNOW.
(Norm) YOU'RE SITTING IN THE BACK WITH THE WINDOWS OPEN, FRASIER.
(Carla) SAMMY? YEAH? WOODY AND I ARE SO HAPPY TO BE WORKING FOR YOU AGAIN.
AND WE'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES.
[cackling.]
YEAH? HEY-HEY, DAVE! I MISSED YOU, SAMMY.
YEAH, I MISSED YOU, TOO, DAVE.
[laughing.]
ACTUALLY, THAT WAS ME, SAM.
YEAH, I KNOW, WOODY, I KNOW.
SAM, UH I'D LIKE TO, UH, APOLOGIZE FOR MY EARLIER OUTBURST THERE.
I GUESS I JUST GOT A LITTLE OVER-EMOTIONAL.
DAVE! [sobbing.]
IS THAT DAVE? DAVE IS BACK.
I LOVE YOU, DAVE.
COME ON.
YOU'RE RIDING ON THE HOOD.
COME ON.
HEY, SAM, IS IT REALLY ALL RIGHT FOR A MAN TO CRY? ABSOLUTELY NOT, MAN.
I DIDN'T THINK SO.
NO.
I'M LEAVING NOW.
DON'T ANYBODY LOOK AT ME OR TALK TO ME.
HEY, WELL, NO, I CAN'T LET YOU WALK OUT LIKE THIS-- HEY, WAIT, LISTEN TO ME.
I ONLY TURNED HIM IN BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT THEY WERE GONNA GO AFTER YOU.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I SHOULD LISTEN TO YOUR SIDE OF THE STORY.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ABOUT TIME.
WOULD YOU STOP IT? HEY, HEY, HEY.
LET GO OF ME! I WANNA GET OUT OF HERE! I JUST TOOK MY STUFF FROM YOUR OFFICE, AND NOW I'M LEAVING.
MISS HOWE, YOU'RE LEAVING FOR GOOD? I MEAN, I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT YOU WOULD, BUT NOW THAT YOU ACTUALLY ARE [sobbing.]
I'M GONNA MISS YOU.
DON'T THOSE PUSH PINS BELONG TO THE BAR? WOODY, WOODY, WOODY, IT'S ALL RIGHT, MAN.
DON'T-- YEAH, WHOA.
NOW WHAT? THESE INDEX CARDS? AND THESE STAPLES? WOODY, SHE'S UPSET.
WELL, SHE'S TAKING ALL OUR STUFF, SAM.
THIS IS EVEN OUR BOX.
WOODY, SHUT UP, WILL YA? OH, THIS MY SWEATER! WOODY, SHUT UP! COME ON! YOU JUST TAKE YOUR OWN DAMN STUFF.
I DON'T WANNA BE REMINDED OF THIS STUPID PLACE ANYWAY.
OH, WAIT, MISS HOWE, THIS ISN'T MY SWEATER.
BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT IT COME HERE.
LISTEN, I CAN'T LET YOU WALK OUT LIKE THIS.
Y-YOU GOT TO FORGIVE ME.
PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT, I FORGIVE YOU.
I WISH YOU WELL.
GOODBYE.
AND I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY WITH YOUR CRUMMY BAR AND YOUR STUPID FRIENDS, AND YOUR TRAMPY WAITRESS.
GOODBYE, CARLA.
IT WAS NICE WORKING WITH YOU.
YOU, TOO.
I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY, THAT MEN HAVE TREATED ME LIKE DIRT ALL MY LIFE.
SO? I JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT.
KEEPS ME HUMBLE.
THANK YOU, CARLA.
WHERE YOU GONNA GO, HMM? WHEREVER ROBIN IS.
I'M STARTING A NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE.
THE MRS.
ROBIN COLCORD YEARS.
GOODBYE, SAM.
AGENT MUNSON, F.
B.
I.
DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY KNOWLEDGE OF THE WHEREABOUTS OF A MR.
ROBIN COLCORD? WHY? WHAT'S THE MATTER? WE HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE HE'S JUMPED BAIL AND LEFT THE COUNTRY.
WELL, WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT? WELL, IT SEEMS, HE'S DESTROYED HIS PERSONAL FILES, WIRED ALL HIS MONEY TO SWITZERLAND, AND FLOWN HIS PRIVATE JET OUT OF AMERICAN AIR SPACE.
OK, REBECCA, NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.
REPEAT AFTER ME.
MEN HAVE TREATED ME LIKE DIRT ALL MY LIFE.
OH, HONEY-- OH, DON'T "OH, HONEY" ME.
I DON'T NEED AN "OH, HONEY.
" THIS DOESN'T PROVE ANYTHING.
I THINK ROBIN'S BEEN FRAMED.
HEY, MISS HOWE, A FAX JUST CAME IN FOR YOU FROM MR.
COLCORD.
SO, HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN COLCORD IN THE LAST 24 HOURS? LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA SAY A WORD.
YOU COULD TIE ME TO A HARD CHAIR AND WORK ME OVER UNDER HOT LIGHTS ALL DAY.
WE WOULDN'T DO THAT.
WELL, YOU COULD.
ESPECIALLY HIM.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT'S IT SAY? IT SAYS, UM "DEAR, REBECCA, GOODBYE FOREVER.
ROBIN.
" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, SAM? WELL, "DEAR, REBECCA," THAT'S YOU.
NO.
I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, BUT, I MEAN, WHAT DOES IT MEAN? DOES IT MEAN THAT HE LEFT ME, AND YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG, AND HE WAS JUST USING ME? I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
ANYTHING WE CAN DO? [sobbing.]
NO.
YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND LEAVE, AND--AND I'LL LOCK UP.
I'M JUST GONNA YOU KNOW, CRY IT OUT.
SO, HOW'S REBECCA DOING THIS MORNING? I DON'T KNOW.
LET'S GO ASK HER.
[sobbing.]
SHE LOOKS BETTER.
UH, WHAT THE HEY, CLIFFIE.
SHE'S A SURVIVOR, HUH? SHOOT SOME STICK? HONEY, YOU OK? YEAH.
[gasping.]
I'M FINE.
MAY I HAVE ANOTHER GLASS OF WATER? I'M STARTING TO DEHYDRATE AGAIN.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SNAP OUT OF THIS, SWEETHEART.
WHY? I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO LIVE FOR.
OH, COME ON.
YOU GOT PLENTY TO LIVE FOR.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK, YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO'S EVER BEEN DUMPED? LOOK AT SAM.
HE WAS IN THIS HORRIBLE RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS WOMAN FOR YEARS, AND IT ENDED UP SHE DITCHED HIM AT THE ALTAR.
WHAT DID HE DO? LOOK, HE TOOK ALL HIS MONEY, HE BOUGHT A BOAT, HE SANK IT, THEN HE HAD TO GROVEL AROUND HERE FOR TIPS FOR 3 YEARS.
BUT LOOK AT HIM NOW.
HE GOT HIS BAR BACK.
AND ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS TURN IN YOUR BOYFRIEND.
[sobbing.]
OH, FORGET IT, MAN.
THERE'S NO CHEERING HER UP.
COME ON, SWEETHEART.
YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL, BRIGHT WOMAN.
YOU GOT A GREAT CAREER.
OH, THERE'S A LETTER FOR YOU, MISS HOWE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND READ IT, WOODY? IT'S PROBABLY JUST ANOTHER LETTER FROM ROBIN TELLING ME TO GET LOST.
UH, NO.
IT'S FROM THE CORPORATION.
YOU'RE FIRED.
[sobbing.]
I'M FIRED! I'M FIRED! OH, GOD! GOD, THEY'RE BLAMING ME FOR THIS WHOLE THING WITH ROBIN.
WELL, ACTUALLY IT SAYS HERE THEY NEVER MUCH CARED FOR YOUR WORK.
WOODY, DON'T.
COME ON, WHAT DOES THIS MATTER? LISTEN, THIS IS SAMMY TALKING TO YOU.
AS LONG AS I GOT A BAR, YOU--YOU GOT A PLACE TO WORK.
NO, I DON'T THINK I COULD GO BACK TO MANAGING THIS BAR.
OH, AND I DON'T-- I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO.
NO, I--I WAS THINKING MORE OF YOU BEING A WAITRESS.
A WAITRESS? YEAH.
CARLA COULD TRAIN YOU.
[cackling.]
[sobbing.]
BOY, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THERE'S NO CHEERING HER UP AT ALL.
SO HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM, OBVIOUSLY MEANT NOTHING TO HIM.
HE HOPS ON HIS JET AND LEAVES ME HERE TO ROT.
CAN I HAVE MY DRINK? YOU KNOW, YOU MEN ARE ALL ALIKE.
YEAH, SO WHERE WAS I? UH, YOU WERE ENGAGED TO ONE OF THE RICHEST MEN IN THE WORLD.
CAN I JUST HAVE MY CHECK? ARE YOU A MAN? SURE.
WOODY, I'M GONNA NEED SOME MORE DRINKS.
WHAT KIND? DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.
REBECCA, CAN I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE? WHAT IS IT, SAM? IS IT MY BREAK TIME? I WANNA KNOW WHY YOU'RE DRIVING EVERYBODY OUT OF HERE.
WHY--WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING ALL THE MEN? BECAUSE THEY ARE EVIL SLIME.
OH, COME ON.
NOT ALL MEN ARE EVIL SLIME.
OH, YEAH, SURE.
YOU WOULD DEFEND THEM.
CARLA, WILL YOU PLEASE TAKE OVER FOR REBECCA? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THAT WAITRESS? SHE KEEPS THROWING DRINKS IN PEOPLE'S FACE.
WELL, SHE'S HEARTBROKEN.
HER BOYFRIEND LEFT HER, AND-- AND SHE'S FEELING A LITTLE BITTER.
HERE YOU GO.
THEN WHAT'S HER PROBLEM? SHE'S JUST MEAN.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU ARE GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME HERE, BUT, YOU KNOW, THERE COMES A POINT WHEN YOU HAVE TO FACE REALITY.
I DO NOT HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU.
OH, WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT? WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, FIRE ME? NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I GOT A BETTER IDEA.
TELL ME YOU LOVE ME, ASK ME TO MARRY YOU, SKIP THE COUNTRY, AND THEN FIRE ME.
HEY, STOP IT! I AM NOT ROBIN! I'M NOT DOING THOSE THINGS TO YOU.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I'M SICK OF GETTING KICKED IN THE TEETH BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE DUMPED YOU.
WELL, I AM SICK OF GETTING DUMPED.
I'M SICK OF YOU GETTING DUMPED.
YOU KNOW SOMETHIN'? YOU KNOW WHAT I'M REALLY SICK OF? YOUR OWN FACE! NO, I'M SICK OF YOU-- I'M SICK OF YOU GETTING ANGRY AT ME WHEN ALL I'M TRYING TO DO IS HELP YOU.
WELL, YOU CAN'T HELP ME.
I'M BEYOND HELP.
YOU CAN'T HELP SOMEBODY WHO'S DONE EVERYTHING WRONG SINCE THE DAY SHE WAS BORN.
OH, STOP IT, WILL YOU? WHAT HAVE I DONE RIGHT? WELL YOU GOT EXCELLENT TASTE IN CLOTHES.
WHAT? THIS OLD THING? WELL, YEAH.
BUT EVERYTHING ELSE.
I'VE BEEN WRONG ABOUT MEN, I'VE BEEN WRONG ABOUT MY CAREER.
YOU KNOW, IF I'D JUST DONE EVERYTHING THE OPPOSITE OF THE WAY I DID IT, I PROBABLY WOULD'VE HAD A VERY HAPPY LIFE.
WELL, WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? [sighs.]
IT MEANS THAT I REALLY LOVED ROBIN, AND HE RAN OFF.
AND THE MAN I'VE BEEN PUSHING AWAY ALL THESE YEARS, IS RIGHT HERE CARING FOR ME, GIVING ME A SHOULDER TO CRY ON.
GOD.
LIFE IS SO WEIRD.
[sniffs.]
SAM, KISS ME.
[gasping.]
LISTEN, I THINK THIS IS WRONG, HONEY.
I SAID WRONG IS WHAT I DO BEST.
I JUST-- I JUST DON'T WANT US TO DO ANYTHING HERE THAT YOU'RE GONNA REGRET.
THAT'S ALL.
FINE, FINE.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
[panting.]
IS REBECCA IN HER OFFICE? I THOUGHT YOU DITCHED HER AND SKIPPED THE COUNTRY.
I DID, BUT I'VE COME BACK.
I FINALLY REALIZED WHAT REBECCA MEANS TO ME.
WHAT USE IS MY MONEY OR MY FREEDOM IF I DON'T HAVE THE WOMAN I LOVE? REBECCA! I'M BACK! (Robin) OH, MY GOD!