Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Grease

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Well, Rebecca, how are you on this magnificent day? None of your business.
(imitating John Wayne): Well, who stuck a burr under your saddle, missy? Sorry, Frasier, I've just been in a bad mood lately.
Would you like to talk about it? It might help to alleviate your depression.
No, I really wouldn't feel comfortable talking to you.
Why is that? Because you know me too well to think of me as a therapist? No, because I saw you dance around this bar in your underwear, with swizzle sticks in your ears, when they brought back Classic Coke.
Well, granted, that wasn't my finest hour, but you can taste the difference.
Now, Rebecca, counseling people is what I do.
Please let me help you.
(sighing): All right, Frasier.
It's just that I can't seem to make anything work.
Robin is in prison.
I manage this crummy bar.
My career is at a standstill.
I'm miserable.
I'm lonely.
And now, I have to sell my Mercedes.
I see.
Well, I'll, uh I'll give you $5,000 cash and take over your payments.
Six thousand firm.
Thank you.
Damn! It's good to heal.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
You know, Sam, this is a treat.
I've got this side of the bar to myself.
I can drink my beer and enjoy my newspaper without being pummeled on every side by inane chatter.
Say, look well, look at this.
There is barometric pressure on Venus.
Now, how did they measure that? Beats me.
A man was reunited with his twin brother after 30 years.
They worked in the same auto plant in Columbus, Ohio! That's nice.
Say, would anybody like me to read their, uh, their horoscope? I'll, uh, start with Aries.
Somebody want to play with Frasier, please? Hi, Sammy.
Sorry I'm late.
There's a prison work crew in the park across the street.
Man, you should have heard some of those raunchy, sleazy, come-ons.
Pretty bad, huh? Oh, yeah.
I really outdid myself.
I should write a book.
Hey, Becks, you know, you might be interested to know that one of those cons out there is your pasty-faced, billionaire boyfriend.
Robin? Yeah.
He was out there picking up trash.
I wonder if he was using the same line he used on you.
My poor, sweet baby.
I better go see him.
Oh, wait-- no, I better not.
If the other guys get jealous, they might give him a hard time.
But then, if I don't go see him, then he'll probably think that I'm ashamed of him.
But if I see him, it might be all too painful for him.
What should I do? I don't know.
What do you think I should do? Twins in the same auto plant? Come on, you guys.
You just don't care.
Honey, I'm trying like hell to care.
Look, if it means that much to you, why don't you run outside there and blow him a kiss.
Yeah, right.
Get him in trouble so he has to spend the night in the box.
(sarcastically): Blow him a kiss.
You heartless bastard.
Boy, it must be pretty rough on ol' Robin Colcord, huh? One day he's living in a penthouse, the next day he's picking up trash with a stick.
You're loving this, aren't you, Sammy? Every minute.
Sam, you missed a great lunch.
Clavin and Mr.
Peterson treated me at the Hungry Heifer.
SAM: How was it? Wednesday Ribscapade, Sammy.
End of story.
Well, where's the third member of your gastronomic suicide squad? Mr.
Peterson's still at the Heifer.
Uh, you know, we got some bad news.
They're gonna tear the place down.
Oh, dear! Well, I can see why Norm would want to spend some final moments of contemplation in the place that meant so much to him.
No, no, he was just sopping up some gravy with a Parker House roll.
Well, each man mourns in his own way.
I hope it doesn't hit him too hard.
What's the big deal? So they're leveling another beef joint.
Another beef joint? You obviously have never been there for "You Keep the Hoof" night.
Well, you know, this is not atypical behavior.
I mean, many people can form emotional bonds to significant places in their lives.
I think we should all be very sensitive to what Norm is going through.
Yeah, you know, that's a good idea, Fras.
Maybe we shouldn't say anything to remind him of the Hungry Heifer when he comes back here.
You know, maybe not say any words like, uh, "beef" or "meat.
" Sam, what about "meet" as in, "Let's meet for dinner tonight?" Yeah.
That'd be fine, Woody.
W-Where do you want to go? You feel like Chinese? You know, on second thought, maybe that's not a good idea.
That's why I asked.
Afternoon, everybody.
GROUP: Norm! Hey, how's life treatin' you, there, Norm? Beats me then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
Well, here's a here's a cold one for you there, buddy.
Hey, uh, Norm, how about some of these extra-salty pretzels you so heartily enjoy, huh? You're welcome to share some of my beer nuts, if you like.
Meat! (all clamoring) Aw, everybody was thinking it! I was the only one who had the guts to say it! We're sorry, man.
We-We-We feel bad 'cause we know how much the Hungry Heifer means to you.
You don't know the half of it, Sammy.
I love the Heifer.
SAM: Aww Don't know what I'm gonna do without that place.
It was like my home away from Cheers.
If you'll excuse me, guys, I just want to be alone.
Hey, whoa! Ho.
Not that alone.
Well, they're carting the cons away.
Robin's leaving? Yeah, just loaded him and his sunburned pals into the van.
Mm, he was red as a lobster.
Bet he blisters.
Carla, honey, I don't think Rebecca wants to talk about this right now.
I mean, after all, her guy's in jail.
I mean, she's lonely, she's hurting.
She's a woman in need.
She misses her man.
(sighing): I do, Sam.
I do.
Say, hon I just want to say that I know what you're going through right now, and if there's anything I can do for you, or to you I'm here for you.
Or there for you or on the floor for you, it's Gee, Sam.
When you put it like that, you make me sick.
Well, you think about it, though-- I mean, 'cause you're thinking about it right now.
I bet if I took an X-ray of your brain, I'd be lying, right stretched out all naked.
Don't leave out the tag on your toe.
Would that tag happen to say: "For a good time, follow this leg?" (laughing): Whee! I sure know how to make my own fun, don't I? Guys, look, uh, sorry I was getting all emotional about the Hungry Heifer, I mean Aw It's just that I'm losing someplace that's so close to my heart.
Don't you mean clogging your heart? Well, Norm, there are other restaurants.
NORM: It's not just the restaurant, it's the owner, okay? Sid Nelson.
He's a funny kind of guy, you know? He's all tough on the outside, but really soft and mushy on the inside.
Not unlike his entire menu.
Anyway, Sid was always there for me.
Not unlike his entire menu.
I remember one time, in college, I had to stay up all night to finish a term paper.
Sid stayed up with me till we finished it.
We also finished a two-pound onion loaf.
Well, Norm, I don't blame you for being depressed.
No depressed? Come on.
You know, life's only temporary anyway, right? When you're born, blah-blah-blah, you die.
Geez, Norm, I-I look at you and I see a man at a crossroads.
This may be your very first brush with mortality, with the temporal nature of things.
You may feel futile now, but there are ways to combat that.
Yeah? How? Well, by guaranteeing your own immortality.
By leaving your mark on the world.
He always leaves two dents on the stool.
Carla, please.
Well, he does! Big ones, too! When he goes home at night, this stool looks like it has a Mohawk! Look, I was hoping for something a little more life-affirming, thank you! Now, Norm, there are there are many roads open to you.
Geez, you well, you could do something to help save the Hungry Heifer.
Or, well, better yet, you could help do something to save yourself! Turn over a new leaf.
You could diet, exercise, work for a charitable cause.
Or, if you want the ultimate way of guaranteeing your immortality, go home to Vera and start a family right this minute.
Frasier you are right.
When you're right, you are right! I am gonna do it! (friends shouting encouragement) I'm gonna save the Hungry Heifer! Well, what about, uh, dieting, exercise, making a baby with Vera? Pfft! You do it.
Hey, Sammy.
Here you go.
SAM: Enjoy yourself? Ho-ho, yeah! I tell you, you haven't lived until you've washed a car in front of a bunch of drooling cons.
(laughs) Ooh! Just like in Cool Hand Luke! Whoo! Here you go, Fras.
Thank you.
What do we got here now? Uh, Joe Marty Who had the powder-blue Caddy? Carla, how's it going out there? How does Robin look? Okay.
He was being pushed around by this big old hunk of a guard.
His name is Vince and he has got some muscles, I'm telling you.
He could snap Robin's neck like a number-two pencil.
But he didn't hurt Robin, did he? I mean, Robin's okay, isn't he? Yeah, sure, whatever.
Anyway, then this, uh, Vince, he gets a load of me and my bucket of suds and he starts flexing.
But Robin-- Robin-- he gets dehydrated easily.
Robin, Robin, Robin.
So your boyfriend's in prison! Boo-hoo! Can't you be happy for someone else for a change?! Hey, don't listen to her.
She's trying to get under your skin.
I can see how much this must be hurting you.
Watching the man you love out there in the sun all day long picking up garbage while a whole city looks at him, and laughs at him.
Thanks for understanding, Sam.
You really do relish this, don't you, Sam? Every single minute.
Come on, stop moping around.
Look, why don't you do what any woman would do for her man-- strip to your skivvies, grab a chamois and wash a couple of cars.
Get your front wet.
I don't think Robin would respond to something cheap like that.
Oh, yeah? You should have seen how fast he stabbed that trash when I did it.
FRASIER: Hey, uh, Norm, how's it going with the petition to save the Heifer, huh? Great.
Got a hundred more signatures back there.
Hey, all right.
Although I am getting a little bit of writer's cramp.
Well, I wish you luck, Mr.
Yeah? I know how hard it is to get people to sign a petition.
Yeah, I remember back in Hanover I tried to gather signatures to rebuild the town band shell after the Fourth of July explosion.
I had a heck of a time.
I couldn't even get my Uncle Elwood to sign.
Couldn't even convince your uncle, huh? Oh, he was convinced.
He just couldn't grip the pen.
See, he was, he was in charge of lighting the fireworks.
They had extra small fuses that year.
No-no Time to pound the pavement.
If I get like a hundred more signatures, I can bring this petition over to City Hall.
Good for you.
Frasier, you were absolutely right.
This feels right.
This feels great.
It's been a long time since I pounded the bricks for a cause.
Oh I can't stand thinking of Robin out there in the blazing sun.
Aw, honey, well, I'll tell you what, let me, uh, let me put on a song here for you, take your mind off of things.
No, Sam, that's not gonna work.
All right, go ahead.
It doesn't situation thought I could take them Dang it, Sam, turn it off.
For a while, baby Is that your idea of a song that's gonna cheer me up? Well, hey, it's got a great beat.
It's easy to pick up trash to.
You just can go on with your stupid little idiotic nasty jokes because you know what? I love Robin and I'm going to remain loyal to him, like it says right there, B-14, "Stand By Your Man.
" I'm just sitting here in For a while, baby, I never thought I could wait I'm just sitting here in For a while, baby, I never thought I could wait Cliff, you want to go shoot some stick? Let's shoot some stick, Doctor.
Oh, hey, before you go back there, Dr.
Crane, I should tell you that Carla's keeping a guard on the pool table.
Why is she doing that? I guess she likes him.
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm! Hey, how would a beer feel, Mr.
Peterson? Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
In fact, let me buy a beer for everybody, okay? All right! Thank you, Norm! Guys, I have saved the Hungry Heifer.
(all cheering) That's great.
How'd you do it? Well, I went over to City Hall to drop off the petition right? Stopped in to do a little research.
It turns out that the Hungry Heifer is the only building on the entire Eastern Seaboard that has a giant red-eyed steam-snorting bull on the roof.
What about Hub's Steak Hut? It's gone.
Well, Lucky Chucky's Chuck House? Struck by lightning.
Bill's Place for Steak? Stolen.
That really is the end of an era.
Wonder who's next.
Are they gonna take down those big buckets of chicken? There's a message in this for the Big Boy: get rid of those overalls and get a real job.
You know who doesn't have to worry? Denny.
Nobody knows what he looks like.
Oh, sorry, was that out loud? NORM: Anyway, the city planner's office issued a temporary injunction against any demolition until it can be determined whether the Hungry Heifer can be declared a roadside landmark.
Oh, congratulations, Norm.
Gentlemen, start your enzymes.
(chanting): Norm.
Norm Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna invite you guys all to the Hungry Heifer tonight.
Well, what was supposed to be a sad little farewell dinner is gonna turn into the happiest meal of Mr.
Sid Nelson's life.
Everyone's gonna be there, guys.
Even the Big Eaters Circle.
You in that, Mr.
P? Oh, no, no, Woody, please.
This is a closed table.
I mean, someone has to die before you can get a seat there.
Wow, too bad.
Oh, no.
These guys drop dead like once a week.
I've got a real shot at it, I think.
Say, honey, I hate to bother you, you know, with Robin on your mind and everything, but I just bought some new clothes.
I'd like a woman's point of view.
Let's see them.
Hit it, Fras.
Our model, Sam, is sporting the latest in "big house" chic.
This ensemble is equally appropriate for playing the harmonica or just crushing rocks.
It comes complete with anklet and matching trash ka-bob, made popular by billionaire swindler, Robin Colcord.
You think you're hilarious, don't you, Sam? Well, I bring the party with me, don't I, babe? Optional with this outfit is a matching set of, uh, tattoos reading: "Born to Raise Hell" and, uh, "It's Society's Fault.
" You guys, don't encourage him.
Guys, guys, guys, look at this.
Quick impression of Robin Colcord.
(British accent): Blimey.
There's a lot of trash on the ground, isn't there? Well, I'll just have to impale it and flush it down the loo.
Look, it's all over the place.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Look at that.
All right, that's it.
Let's go.
You're spending the night in the box.
(laughing) What're you talking about, man? Hey, what're you doing? I'm not one of your prisoners.
I know, but you stabbed my foot.
And I got a gun.
So you're spending the night in the box.
It was an accident.
I didn't mean Guys, do something, will you, Rebecca? Okay, Sam.
I'm just sitting here Oh, great.
She's got a problem.
Okay, all right.
Attention please.
(banging) Attention please.
Okay, before we get to the ceremony, I'd like to make a little announcement.
Because of tonight's very special occasion, the fudge volcano will keep erupting for one more hour.
(cheering and applause) All right, there we go, yeah.
The Big Eaters Circle.
All right.
Now, I'd like to introduce to you folks, the owner and operator of the Hungry Heifer, our very special guest, Mr.
Sid Nelson.
(cheering) (chanting): Sid.
Sid Let me get right to the point, Sid.
I knew you were expecting a tearful farewell dinner here tonight, but, uh, that is not going to happen.
What are you talking about? Well, the Hungry Heifer is not going to be torn down.
What are you talking about? NORM: Perhaps this piece of paper will help explain things, Sid.
This is an injunction, making the Hungry Heifer immune to any wrecking ball.
It will be here for our children and our children's children.
Sid obviously wasn't prepared for this happy news.
Uh, tell you what, uh have the band strike up another tune, okay? Oh, the band felt bloated and left.
You've got to pace yourself.
Sid, what are you doing?.
You could start a grease fire in here.
I mean, I know you have them every day, but this one could get out of hand.
You jerk.
You ruined everything.
But I thought you'd be happy.
Happy? Why should I be happy? The developers were going to give me three times what this joint is worth.
I didn't know you wanted out of this place, Sid.
Why? How would you like to spend seven days a week up to your elbows in cow flesh? Sid, I never knew you felt this way.
Well, I didn't always.
But, I don't know, this is the '90s, Norm.
We've learned a lot about the kind of poisons we've been putting into our bodies.
Now, you look at that.
You see some T-bones and a rump roast.
I see a loaded gun.
I've been carrying it around with me for a long time, Norm, the guilt for what I've been doing to bodies like yours.
I thought I had a way out.
I could sell the place to the, to the lube syndicate.
But I guess the only way out for me now is just to torch the place.
Hey, no, no, you can't Sid, you cannot burn down the Hungry Heifer.
I guess you're right.
I'd be the first one they'd suspect.
But who am I gonna get to do it for me, Norm? I've got no family.
Who's gonna light the match for me.
I've got no son.
You're the one who came closest to that for me.
Thank you, Sid.
Light the match.
No, no.
There's no way I'm gonna let you go through with this.
I'm an old man, Norm.
I've got nothing to look forward to.
Light the match.
Look, there's no way I'm gonna let you go through with this.
Hey, you mean too much to me, all right? I mean look, I never said this to my own father, but I I love you, Sid.
Hey, I didn't know you felt like that, Norm.
Gee, I love you, too.
Thank you, Sid.
Light the match.
Would you stop with the matches, Sid? Just stop with it.
So, Sid finally came around, huh? Yeah.
You bet he did.
WOODY: How'd you convince him? Well, I told him he could serve a healthier menu, uh, smaller portions, leaner cuts of beef.
He's actually gonna put some greens in the salad bar.
You know we could change the name to the Healthy Heifer.
I think I really turned his life around today.
What the hell? Sid Sid! What's going on? This is Gus, the busboy.
Now he's the son I never had.
Fire! Fire!