Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Breaking in is Hard to Do

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Ha! Doug Aducci.
Hey, guys, look at this.
It's Doug Aducci, one of the best damn umpires in the American League.
And, uh, Sam here was one of the best, uh, groomed pitchers in the American League, huh? SAM: Sit down here.
God, I can't believe this.
Last time I saw this guy, we were playing the Yankees.
You were behind the plate, ninth inning.
I was on the mound, up by one.
He calls ball four on Munson.
Next guy up is Chambliss, knocks one right out of the park.
Not that I care, man, but, you know, that was a strike.
No, if I called it a ball, it was a ball, Sam.
(chuckles) It was right at the knees.
It must have been low.
No, no, man, you gave me the same pitch on Roy White.
That was 1975, Sam.
It's over.
The point is that Chambliss should never have come up.
Look, Malone, I said it was over! All I'm asking, Aducci-- if that's your real name-- is that you be consistent, for God's sake! I mean, that was my livelihood! That's enough, Malone! Go get my drink! Hey, get your own drink! What?! You heard-- What, are you hard of hearing, too?! That's it! You're out of here! You'd throw me out for that?! Take a hike, Malone, right now! I'll take a hike, but not before I do this! You stupid-- I can't believe it! (grunting angrily) Eh, it may have been a strike.
I was going through a divorce that year.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see The troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Morning, everybody.
ALL: Norm! Hey, Mr.
Peterson, what's up? The warranty on my liver.
Oh, Sammy, this town is going down the tubes, I tell you.
Why do you say that? Well, they're installing parking meters up there.
Yeah, I'll have to carry a big pocket full of change.
It's gonna ruin the line of my pants.
Have to go up there every two hours, feed the damned meter.
Well, you want me to tell you when two hours is up, Mr.
? No, I'll know, Woody.
Every 87 sips.
(door opens) I don't accept that, Frasier.
This shouldn't be happening.
Well, Lilith, I warned you on the night that we conceived little Frederick that raising a child would not be all roses and rainbows.
No, as I recall, the exact words you uttered that night were, "Who cares about the next 20 years? Let's get nasty.
" It's just like you to miss the inner meaning.
You guys okay? Well, we've just received some very sobering news.
Well, you're going to have to feed that meter just like everybody else, Dr.
Yes, Woody.
Well, the other thing that has us so distraught is our son's development.
Frederick is nearly a year old and has yet to speak his first word.
Since we were both so concerned, we decided to have our little man evaluated by a colleague who specializes in child development.
What'd he say? He confirmed our worst fears.
Frederick is average.
ALL: Ooh.
It's not funny.
Oh, really, Lilith.
You didn't expect any sympathy here in Mayberry, did you? Frasier, two people as gifted as we are were never meant to have an average baby.
It's so unjust.
Well, it's not the end of the world, my love.
So he won't be as erudite as his parents.
He can still lead a happy, normal life like the rest of these people.
And the new record-- 53! Yes! Yeah.
It's your fault, Lilith! What? Yes, obviously you have an inferior gene pool.
Me? Well, I didn't have a grandfather who was a butter and egg man in New Jersey.
Mother warned me you'd say you love me, but sooner or later, you'd bring that up.
Lilith, Lilith, I'm sorry.
My grandfather wasn't even in America at that time.
If he had been, he wouldn't be hawking butter and eggs.
Hi, guys.
Oh, hi, Miss Howe.
You got a letter here from Mr.
Oh, thanks, Woody.
It smells like cinnamon.
Yeah, Robin's working in the bakery now.
They put him in charge of sticky buns.
So what's the word from our man in the pokey? "Dear Rebecca, "I miss you very much.
"The days go by so slowly here.
I lie on my cot and dream about your" Dream about your what? Face.
My smile, my pleasant demeanor.
Come on.
What does it say? You guys, this is private.
I don't want to read it to you.
I'd be happy with just the verbs.
Hey, get a load of this pencil sketch of her demeanor.
Come on, Carla.
How can life be so unfair? They put this sweet, wonderful, dirty man behind bars without conjugal visits.
Three years I saved myself for a man and what did I end up with? A two-month window of sex.
Oh, you know, uh, when my brother was in the Army, he used to visit Amsterdam all the time.
He said they have a window of sex on every block.
Yeah, I, uh, I saved the letters.
You might like them, Miss Howe.
No thanks, Woody.
Okay, Miss Howe.
No hurry on those letters, Mr.
Frasier, would you like to hear my theory as to why Frederick is not progressing as well as he should? Something tells me I wouldn't, my love.
Uh, Woody, uh, two more drinks, please.
It's both our fault.
We don't spend enough time with him.
We're too busy with our careers.
He's being raised by a housekeeper.
There is no consistency in his life.
I agree, Lilith.
As you know, we rarely agree, as you're a behaviorist and I'm a strict Freudian, but it does make for some, some, some hot, angry sex in the boudoir.
I don't have to tell you.
(laughs) I wish you hadn't.
Let's face facts.
We should let the housekeeper go.
One of us should be with our child at all times.
The only question is: Which one? Well, you, of course.
Why me, of course? Because I'm the woman? Why is the man's work automatically more important? I'm making great breakthroughs in my current research project.
Yes, well, damn me to an eternity driving a Yugo, but I make more money than you.
I write more books in one year than you read, Frasier.
Yes, well, I have many degrees.
Hey, hold it.
I-I'll settle this.
Let's pick an arbitrary way to make the decision.
All right, whoever has the most freckles on their arm stays home with the baby.
(sighs) I think that's an excellent way to choose.
Oh, you would say that.
You have no pigmentation in your skin.
For God's sake, what are we arguing about? Who should stay home with our child? It's not a punishment, it's an honor.
I'd love to.
I'd be delighted to stay home and nurture my child.
Oh, Lilith, you role-play the mother so well.
If we can't make a commitment to be with our child at all cost, who can? I agree.
The most important thing is to be with Frederick during his formative years.
Say, I have a thought.
In celebration of this realization, we'll have dinner together tonight, just the two of us.
And Frederick.
Of course.
Oh, oh, did you want to come? (laughs) Afternoon again, everybody.
ALL: Norm! What'll you have this time, Norm? A cow, if I have to climb those stairs one more time.
I am sick of this.
Every two hours, it's up the stairs and down to the corner, over to the meter, put the coin, down the stairs At least you're getting exercise, huh, Mr.
Peterson? I get my exercise, Woody.
What, do you think I just hop off the bar stool and bam-- there's a bathroom? No.
N-No, n-n-no, it's way down the hall, Woody.
SAM: Hey, Rebecca.
Total up those receipts from last night? Rebecca! Huh? Receipts.
Well, it's 3:00.
What have you been doing all day? I've been writing this reply to Robin's letter.
Oh, come-- hey, write that on your own time, will you, for goodness' sake? How are you going to get work done if all you do is think about sex? I don't know, Sam.
How do you do it? I'm a boy, it's my job.
Fine, I'll get your receipts.
(chuckles) Sam, don't you think you were a little tough on Miss Howe? I mean, she's hardly ever happy.
So what if she was late totaling up some dumb old receipts? Oh, maybe you're right.
Maybe I was a little tough on her.
Sam, is this all the vermouth we have? Yeah, Rebecca was supposed to order some more.
She probably forgot.
Oh, well, now, that's just tops.
Hey, Miss Howe, you were supposed to order more vermouth! We pay you for an eight-hour day, we expect eight hours! Sometimes I wonder, Sam, what are they thinking? Good afternoon, everyone.
Sam, just a quick iced tea.
I've got my obsessive-compulsive group to preside over.
You can imagine how punctual they are.
SAM: Ha.
What time does it start? Well, now.
Boy, the next 15 minutes are really going to drive them bonkers.
But that's exactly what they need.
Crane, I've got some messages here from Mrs.
Yes, Woody? Yes, well, she called to say she thinks Freddy might have a diaper rash and she can't find the A & D Ointment.
And then she called back to say she found the ointment, but would it be better to use talcum powder? Mm-hmm.
And then she called back to say never mind, she's just gonna, uh, leave the diaper off and let Freddy air out his little bottom.
And then she called one last time to ask where the carpet cleaner is.
Oh, my God.
SAM: Everything okay? Oh, everything's fine, Sam.
We just made one horrible mistake.
What's that? We left the child alone with its mother.
Carla, you got a minute? What do you need, Becks? I'm trying to write an appropriate reply to Robin's letter.
Well, I don't seem to be able to express myself.
You want to send a "Smut-O-Gram.
" And I was wondering if you could help me since you're the closest thing to a sailor I know.
Step into my office and rejoice in the filth.
All right, so this is what I've got so far.
"Dear Robin, I am writing you this letter while lying naked in the tub.
" Let me just stop you right there.
"I'm writing you this letter while lying naked on my kitchen table.
" Whoa! That is good.
Well, there's a lot more depth to me than just being a waitress, you know.
"Just thinking of you makes me hot.
It" Oh, no, no, no, no, not hot, no.
Write this.
"I'm on fire.
" Fire.
"I'm churning, I'm burning.
"I want something, anything.
"I reach for a piece of fruit-- "an orange, a ripe orange, "big and sweet.
"I peel back the skin "slowly.
"My fingernails tear into the pulp.
The juice runs down my" You know, that orange isn't going to work because the juice burns his ulcers.
Oh! Look, if you're not going to get into the spirit of soft porn, just forget about it.
No, Carla, you're right.
I know.
Who am I fooling? I can't write this stuff.
Besides, what good is a dirty letter? Just fun words on a piece of paper.
You know, you're right.
You need your man.
We got to sneak you into that prison so you can get what you need.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Yeah, let's go.
Oh, but wait a minute, wait a minute, I don't know which cell is Robin's.
How will we find him? It has to be Robin? Th-There's lots of guys in there.
You might find someone you like better.
Come on.
It's a minimum security prison.
How hard could it be? I mean you're allowed to visit him anytime you want, right? Yeah.
So what you do is you find some secluded spot.
Oh, you know, the garden area is usually deserted.
Great, great.
I'll stand watch and you can stay with him as long as you want.
Oh, it shouldn't take long.
He's English.
Sam, we're going to be gone for a couple hours.
Girl stuff.
Girl stuff? Why do they always say that? What does that mean? Oh, Sam, I didn't want to know that.
Greetings, all.
The boys are out for an adventure.
SAM: Hey-hey! I'm glad to see you guys.
Has the little dude said his first word yet? Well, I thought so, but then I checked my unabridged Oxford English dictionary and I was unable to find the word "gak.
" Sam, may I have a beer, please, and could you warm up this formula for my little angel? (Frederick crying) Oh, pipe down! You saw me give the bottle to Sam.
Does, does water just boil instantly? No! He'll warm it, then you'll get it! And it'll be yum-yum-yum-yum-yum.
So, uh going a little rough there, Dr.
Mom? Well, let's just say that since I have become the primary caregiver to Frederick, I have a newfound respect for those who have decided to stay home and dedicate their lives to the raising of their children.
I have also realized that if I were to do it for any amount of time, you would soon hear stories of me sitting naked in a tower with a high-powered rifle.
CLIFF: Oh, yeah.
See, as a rule, your, uh, psycho killers don't have families.
Nah, they're, uh, they're loners.
They may have jobs, they're good to their mothers, but, by and large, they sit alone at night in a dark room, writing their depraved thoughts in a diary.
Cliffie, you keep a diary, don't you? I, uh, keep a journal, Norm.
A journal! So does Lilith know you guys are over here? Oh, yes, of course, Sam.
I told her that I was just taking our 11-month-old baby out for a tall one.
The irony is I got myself into this pickle.
I convinced Lilith that with my background and clinical skills, I should be the one to take primary care of the child, not her.
Naturally, she took it personally.
I was somehow denigrating her competency as a mother.
Boy, you look cross-eyed at a woman these days So she does know you're here? Well, no, no.
I didn't fill her in on our itinerary for the entire day, but she won't question my judgment.
I have assumed complete responsibility for the child and I see no problem with him being in this environment.
Hey, look, with a cigar in his hand, he looks just like Baby Herman.
If Lilith calls, we're not here.
Your Colcord should be out here.
REBECCA: Oh, my God.
The whole prison's here.
What's going on? It's one of our inmate's birthdays-- Congressman Bailor.
He's hosting a little barbecue for the men.
He's from Texas, you know.
Oh, man.
I don't think I can go through with this here.
The thought of a lot of people being a few feet away, and somebody could discover us at any minute.
What, you're saying that like it's a bad thing.
Part of me wants to stay here and the other part of me wants to run.
All of me wants to strip down, lay on the grass, and yell, "Fumble!" All right.
I've come this far.
It wasn't the bad investments that ruined my S & L, it was the free checking accounts.
Robin! Whoo! Rebecca, what a surprise.
Oh, have you met the boys? No, but I've seen all of you on TV.
Yeah, uh, boys, would you excuse us for a moment? Darling.
Robin, I got your letter.
Oh, yeah, I hope I didn't go too far.
Did you mean everything you said? Every word.
And those little drawings in the margin, yeah.
Then I have got a surprise for you.
Rebecca, wh-- there's a party going on here.
Uh, darling.
Aah! Rebecca, darling, darling.
No, no, no.
W-W-We, we can't.
It's not-- no, no, it's okay.
It's okay, no one will see.
Carla's right over there on the other side standing guard.
(laughs) Settle down, boys, settle down.
Darling, darling, darling, you know-- you know I want you more than anything, but we just can't take the chance.
Why? I can be quiet.
(chuckling): Quiet, no, no.
No, it's, it's not that-- and I'd feel insulted if you were-- but I've just heard wonderful news.
I'm up for early parole next month.
Oh! That's good! You see, so I can't do anything that would jeopardize that, um, and, well, this is one of the few rules, and, um, you know, while I, I burn for you, I must adhere to it or I'll be here for another year.
Now, you do understand that, don't you? Sure, I do.
You don't want to be in jail for another year.
But what about my needs?! Carla, we're out of here! (men groaning) Gee whiz, Cliff, why don't you give it up? It's been an hour.
Let's let Frederick have a chance.
No, if he wants to play with it, let him ask me himself.
Cliff, you know he can't speak yet.
And what a cruel irony that you can.
SAM: Norm.
It's 5:00, time to feed the meter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have had it, Sam.
No more of this climbing up the stairs every two hours.
You're not leaving me for another bar, are you? Oh, no, I'm going to sell my car.
FRASIER: We've been here all day.
Time to get the little guy home, huh, Dr.
Crane? Well, Lilith doesn't get home until 6:00.
Say, darts, anyone? Paul? Yeah, sure.
Cliff, you coming? Uh, yeah, I'll be right there.
(grunts angrily) This thing's harder than the civil service exam.
What a waste.
Not for me.
I got 15 dates lined up.
Of course, none of them start for a year.
I got no romance, no satisfaction, no nothing.
Come on, you don't have nothing.
You got a purse full of ribs.
What? Sure.
I took the liberty of filling you up.
The sauce is in the change compartment.
Hey, cheer up.
He said he'd be out in a couple of months.
Yeah, sure, so what am I supposed to do until then? Tell you what.
There's, uh, some construction workers down the street.
What about you and I go cruising? (chuckles) No, I can't cheat on Robin.
Man, I thought we were going to be close.
Well, maybe it wouldn't hurt if we just paraded around them and frustrate them a little bit.
There you go.
Let's do it.
All right.
Let's spread the pain around.
Where are you guys going? BOTH: Girl stuff.
Ick! (door opens) Hello, Sam.
Hey, Lilith.
Query: If I had a problem and needed to talk to someone about it, would it be perpetuating a stereotype to actually select a bartender? Well, that, that depends.
On what? On what you just said.
I feel like a failure-- a failure as a mother, ergo as a woman and a person.
Do you make a drink for failures here at Cheers? Uh, hold on a sec-- Phil, what are you drinking? A Manhattan.
You know, sweetheart, I'd bet my bottom dollar that you're a pretty good mom.
Yes, well, considering that endorsement comes from a perennial Peter Pan with no sense of maturity or obligation, you'll excuse me if I don't leap over the bar, embrace you, and say, "Really, Sam? You think so?" Well, glad I could be there for you.
I'm sorry.
Perhaps I'm just bitter because Frasier is succeeding with our son where I failed.
He is indeed a better influence on my precious baby.
Hey, guess what, everybody? Little Frederick beat Cliff at darts.
Frasier! Uh-oh.
What are you doing here? I didn't give my son to you so you could run off and spend the day in a bawdy house.
Yes, well, my, my little chopped salad, I mean, we just got here, what, ten minutes ago.
You're lying.
Well, yes, I'm lying, but, uh I-I thought that Frederick might enjoy himself.
Enjoy himself in a bar? He's 11 months old.
What kind of values can he learn here? Well, I-I thought the place had a lot to offer.
Oh, please, he'll never learn to speak in this environment.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! He said "Mommy.