Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Cheers 200th Anniversary Special

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Young man, a beer, please.
Hey you're on Sunday morning TV, aren't you? Indeed.
Are you, uh, David Brinkley? No.
Sam Donaldson? Give me a break.
Oh! Aren't you the guy who keeps the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling from tearing each other's hair out? You could say that.
Oh, man! Your money's no good here.
Actually, I'm John McLaughlin-- I'm the moderator of a political roundtable called The McLaughlin Group.
Oh.
Well, that'll be $2.
50.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
(applause) (cheering) Good evening.
Welcome to Cheers 200.
I'm John McLaughlin.
A little more than eight years ago, (phone ringing) a pseudo-intellectual college student walked into a bar and met a recovering alcoholic ex-relief pitcher for the Boston Red Sox.
Hello? Sam? Are you Sam? (mouth full): Yes.
Yes, he's here.
Someone named Vicky.
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
She knows you're here.
I told her you're here.
Well Now, look (mumbling) I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
He had to step out.
Where? Well, um I think what happened is, he, uh.
He had t he had to go to mime class.
That week, America was supremely uninterested.
Cheers ranked #77 out of a possible 77 television shows.
(laughter) Last season, it was the #1 television show in America.
On this, the occasion of the 200th episode of Cheers, we will be showing some of the many highlights, and lowlights, of the first 199 episodes, as well as talking to the originators, the cast, and the current caretakers of the little bar in Boston where everybody knows your name.
We'll be right back.
It's like I'm in complete control of people's destinies.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, like, I can make their drinks too strong so they get sick.
Uh-huh.
Or, uh, I can water 'em down, so they're paying for nothing.
Yeah.
Or if I don't like their attitudes, I can spit in it.
(laughs) Carla, you're not still upset about that little argument we had the other day? You tell me.
Oh, uh, hey, Carla, listen, I'm sorry about this morning when I called you a "sawed-off witch.
" PEOPLE: Norm! George, you want to tell us about Norm Peterson? Well, uh, he hangs out in a bar.
(laughter) He, uh he's got darned good writers.
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm! What's up, Norm? My nipples-- it's freezing out there.
What are you up to, Norm? My ideal weight, if I were 11 feet tall.
Hey, Mr.
Peterson, Jack Frost nippin' at your nose? Yeah.
Now let's get Joe Beer nippin' at my liver, huh? What's going on, Mr.
Peterson? Let's talk about what's going in Mr.
Peterson.
Hey, what's happening, Norm? Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
Norm's a very loyal guy.
Unfortunately, his priorities are a little bit out of whack.
(clears throat): He's loyal to the bar first, and, uh, you know, to his marriage somewhere down the line, but he is loyal.
You can't go sneaking out nights on somebody you love.
Woody, you have to believe that truth and Norm, it's Vera.
I'm not here-- honesty are the cornerstones of a marriage.
I promised Vera I'd pick up some Chinese food.
Oh, that's nice of you, Norm.
Well, I spilled it on the floor this morning.
Sheesh! Women.
You can't live with 'em.
Pass the beer nuts.
Hey, Norm, how come you and Vera never had any kids? I can't, Coach.
Gee, I'm sorry, Norm.
I look at Vera, I just can't.
See you in the morning, I guess, huh? Yeah, I may be a little late.
Oh, that's okay.
I had a key made.
I came, I drank I stayed.
(laughter) (deep groan) What's the matter, Norm? Aw, nothing.
Just my shorts are binding up on me.
Just, uh, you know, stand up and straighten 'em out a little.
Nah.
I'll give 'em five minutes.
Sometimes they self-correct.
CARLA: I've been down this road a few times myself, and take it from a pro: there is one thing you always have to do before you tell a guy you love him.
What's that? Lose the mustache.
Rhea, tell us about Carla.
Well, she's, um, a survivor.
She's a realist.
She's very fertile.
(laughter) I cannot let any man touch me, talk to me or see me, or I'll be shooting out kids like a Pez dispenser.
Do you think that she's mean? No.
I don't think she's mean.
I think that she's honest.
Frasier, you're brilliant! That is one of the most brilliant ideas you've ever had, and you've had a lot of brilliant ideas.
Thank you, Carla.
See, Woody? It works.
Bonehead bought it.
Nothing wrong with sweating.
I myself have perspired once or twice.
We could grow rice.
Give me a little something with hair on it.
Here I am.
So, uh, you married? Yes, quite happily.
Too bad.
Could've been my first Englishman.
Oh, no, no, no, wait.
There was that one other guy, but he was so white, I kept losing him in the sheets.
Does everybody like Carla? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You have to.
(laughter) Did Carla like Diane Chambers? (laughs): No.
No? Suffice it to say, he insists on making mountains out of molehills.
He wants you to wear a padded bra? I can no longer hold my tongue.
Want me to do it? He has saved hundreds, nay, thousands of troubled marriages.
It's even rumored that he had a hand in helping Chuck and Di.
Speaking of that, why don't you upchuck and die? Do you like Cliff? No.
McLAUGHLIN: You don't like Cliff? No.
It's a little known fact that 42% of all deaths in America are caused by accidents in the home.
So were you.
Yeah, you'd never catch a woman of mine leading me around by the nose.
No, but you might catch her sunning herself on a rock.
What a pathetic display.
I'm ashamed God made me a man.
I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging about it, either.
CLIFF: If you go back in history and, uh, take every president, you'll find that the numerical value of each letter in their last name was equally divisible into the, uh, year in which they were elected.
All right.
CLIFF: See, I figured it out, and by my calculations, uh, our next president has to be named Yelnick McWaWa.
Who is Cliff Clavin? Well, Cliff, according to Cliff, would he'd be the wing nut that holds Western civilization together.
(laughter) He, uh according to me, he'd just be a winged nut.
You know, you've got a big mouth, Clavin.
Hey, he happens to be right, you know.
Yeah, it's a genetic quirk in the, uh, Clavin family that we all have two extra teeth.
Uh, you see, that's the only way that we can prove that we are the rightful heirs to the Russian throne.
Hello in there, Cliff.
Tell me, what color is the sky in your world? You know, I, uh I happen to be a bit of an expert on tapeworms.
It all goes, uh, it all goes back to my eighth-grade science fair.
You know, everybody else had rabbits and guinea pigs.
I, uh, had a tapeworm.
Really? Yeah, so I couldn't go.
Or was that, uh, was that a ringworm? Check, please.
Yeah, boy, boy, boy Me and parasites-- don't get me started.
John, is there, is there a part of you in Cliff? Oh, yeah, I, I, I am fascinated by fascinating facts, yeah.
Is there a part of Cliff in you? Uh, I wear white socks.
(laughter) NORM: Well CLIFF: Yeah I tell ya Is that, uh, Cliff Clavin or is that Don Ho, huh? Ah Where ya been, buddy? Some, uh, faraway island resort? Oh, easy mistake, Norm, but, no, I got this tan right here in Beantown.
Is that at the new, uh, Tan and Wash I've been hearing so dang much about? That's right, Normie.
And by the way, did you realize that the tan first gained popularity in what is now known as the Bronze Age? Great, great, well, I'm sold.
Oh, and, by the way, uh, look how white I used to be.
McLAUGHLIN: During the course of the history of Cheers, you lost a character.
You lost a man.
Right.
Nick Colasanto, who played the part of Ernie Pantuso, the Coach.
Uh, Nickie was like a father.
I mean, he came He was the father and Woody's the kid.
I mean, that was, uh Nicky was the the sage.
He used to say he used to play the character like a 12-year-old.
He would sit and listen to everybody like they made complete sense.
I, I don't know if you know the set, but he's still, he's still present.
We put a picture of Geronimo that Nicky had in his dressing room, we put that on the upstage wall of Cheers so he's, uh, he's still present and, uh He was a former coach in professional baseball? He was Sam's coach, yeah.
He had a record in the minor league being hit by a pitch more than any other person (laughs) I mean, what I'd do was, I'd get up there and lean my body into the pitch, right? And, well, sometimes I took one right in the old melon, but I mean, I really I really made a science out of it.
I became a master.
Well, here, try to miss me.
Oh.
You ready? Okay, here we go.
I'm not gonna get it anywhere near him.
That's the whole point.
(soft thud) (gasps) Oh! COACH: I'm on my way to first! Whoo! Nicky was amazing.
He was a director Accomplished director, teacher A very, very bright man, and he would, like, he would drive on the lot, and he, he'd say that he'd get out of his car and he'd, psst, turn that off.
And then, pshew, he was he was Coach from then on.
Cheers.
Yeah, just a sec.
Is there an Ernie Pantuso here? SAM: That's you, Coach.
Speaking.
Boy, oh, boy The damnedest thing.
I've been shivering all the way over here.
Well, Coach, you don't have a coat on.
It's 30 degrees outside.
Oh, thank God! I thought I had malaria.
Whew! Uh, Coach, I'm having blackouts.
Kind of a nice break in the day, isn't it, Sammy? Do you remember Nick, Shelley? Dearly.
He was really Diane's only friend, real friend.
He would listen to Diane, and he would counsel her and-and offer her a kind of support and friendship that didn't really come out clearly from many of the other members in the bar.
DIANE: Coach? What do you do when you are so furious that you have to do something? Well, I know you'll think it's kind of crazy, but, uh, I bang my head on the bar.
Doesn't sound crazy to me.
It might do me a lot of good right now.
Well, okay.
No! No, oh, don't! But, uh, uh, you're so, you're so beautiful, so Beautiful? Daddy, you have been saying that I'm beautiful ever since I was a very little girl.
But look at me! Not as my father, but like you're lookin' at me for the first time, and please, try to see me as I really am.
Oh, my God! I I didn't realize how much you looked like your mother.
I know.
I look exactly like her.
And Mom was not comfortable about her beauty.
But that's what made her more beautiful.
Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.
She was really beautiful.
Yes! And so are you.
You're the most beautiful kid in the whole world.
Thanks, Daddy.
LES CHARLES: We wanted to create, uh there are there are in America great neighborhood bars.
But not everybody has one, and so we thought we'd give-- uh, for all those poor, deprived people-- we'd give them one.
And that included ourselves.
We didn't have one.
So we created one-- a place that we would like to go and spend time and, uh, where everybody could go one night a week and, and be with friends.
(shrieking) (shouting) (all clamoring) Come on! Carla! Easy! Yeah, I got her! Let go! Oh! Let go of me! You get your hand out! Just stop it! You had the gall! Oh! Just get! Whoa! SAM: Stop that! Come on, you guys.
(shouting) Whoa, whoa Oh, no! No! CARLA: Whoops! (screaming): No! (groaning) Oh, no! (Diane shrieking) Stop this immediately! I have never been witness to such a silly, soph Sam Malone kiss your butt good-bye! (all yelling) (Diane screams) McLAUGHLIN: When you conceived of the relationship between Diane Chambers and Sam Malone what was it? I think that there was an intensity with the Sam and Diane, uh, affair that was, uh McLAUGHLIN: Dominating? Yeah, very much so.
A really intelligent woman would see your line of BS a mile away.
You think so? Huh? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, uh, you know, I've never met an intelligent woman that I'd want to date.
On behalf of the intelligent women around the world, may I just say whew! Well, I'll be darned.
What? Nothing.
I just, uh, noticed something.
What? Well, I guess I've, uh, I've never looked into your eyes.
Something wrong with them? No, I, uh just don't think I've ever seen eyes that color before.
As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever seen that color before.
Yes, I have.
Yes, I have.
Where? I was, uh, I was on a ski weekend up at Stowe.
I I was comin' in late one day, uh, last person off the slope.
The, the sun had just gone down.
And the sky became this incredible color.
I, I usually don't, uh, notice things like that, and I found myself kind of walking around in the cold, hoping that it wouldn't change, wishing that I, I had somebody there to share it with me.
Then afterwards I tried to convince myself that I'd imagined that color, that that I hadn't really seen it.
That nothing on this earth could be that beautiful.
Now I see I was wrong.
Wouldn't work, huh? What? An intelligent woman would see right through that? Oh? Oh! In a minute.
Damn.
SAM You are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met! You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son Shut up! Shut your fat mouth! Make me.
Make you? My God, I'm, I'm gonna I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office! Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow.
Or should I say funnier? You know you know, I always wanted to pop you one.
Maybe this is my lucky day, huh? You disgust me! I hate you! Are you as turned on as I am? More! Bet me.
Wh-Whenever you think too much about something, it loses all its sense.
I mean, obviously the only reason why I'm with you is because I lo What, Sam? I said the reason why I'm with you is 'cause I lo You lo? Well, you know, you know what I mean.
Well, what's the matter? Can't you say it? Oh, of course I can.
I lo I lo I lo I lo DIANE: Do you know what the difference is between you and a fat, braying ass? Nope.
The fat braying ass would.
Speaking of fat, braying asses, you're about to get dumped on yours.
How dare you slap me! Don't you ever hit me again! Like hell.
You always think you gotta get the last one in.
Oh, come on.
All right, all right, fine! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! All right, come on.
SAM: All right, please, come on.
Let go.
Oh, what the hell? Will you marry me? Will you marry me? No.
Oh, Diane, will you marry me? (sobbing): No, Sam.
Diane, will you marry me? That didn't sound very sincere.
I'll be back here.
I will.
I'll see you in six months.
Okay? Okay.
Okay.
That's better.
(door closes) Have a good life.
(piano playing "What'll I Do?") JOHN: Frasier Crane-- what does he do for a living? He's a psychiatrist.
What is Frasier's philosophy of life? He hopes he can heal the human condition.
Come on, man! Tell Diane you love her.
Let some fresh air and sunlight in there! Frasier? What, Sam? I don't like guys touching my head.
Well, there's our next session.
Is there, uh, some of you in him? Sure.
I would like to heal the world, yeah.
Have you notified the world? Uh, in my small way, yeah.
(chuckles) Is there some of him in you? Uh, well, we do walk the same streets together now.
I am running with scissors! You see, it's been psychologically documented that all human animals have a neurotic hair-trigger response to, uh, at least one of the five sensory stimuli.
Well, it could be anything, actually.
Well, let's see, sound of the surf pounding against the shore.
The smell of honeysuckle on a warm summer night.
The taste of a vintage Chateau Neu d'pais.
Fire-red fingernails dancing through your chest hair.
A black-lace teddy straining against its fleshy cargo.
Frasier, man, snap out of it.
In a minute, Sam.
Did psychiatrist Frasier Crane provide services for Diane Chambers? No.
No, that was, that was my job.
When Diane left Sam, and he started drinking again, he was filling the void that Diane left.
And Diane filled her emptiness by toying with and destroying a man who's her cultural and intellectual superior in every way! REBECCA: Okay, kids, you say hi to Binky! KIDS: Hi, Binky! Binky, do your act.
I don't have an act.
I'm a psychiatrist.
NORM: Uh-oh, frost warning.
Good afternoon, Dr.
Crane.
Dr.
Sternin.
(clears throat) What a lovely surprise.
I hope I can regard that as civility in light of today's situation, rather than sarcasm at my expense.
No, that was completely at your expense.
What these two people, who are such geniuses at romance, are trying to do is to get you to take your hair down, thinking that it will stimulate me like some sort of Pavlovian dog.
So why don't you just oblige them, get this silliness over with so we can get on with our lives? (sighs) You mean like this? Precisely.
You know what? What? I'm going to kiss you.
I'm gonna kiss you hard and I'm going to kiss you long.
But make no mistake about it, I am going to kiss you.
In fact, I'm going to kiss you like you've never WOODY: Oh, boy, my Aunt Edna's killer fudge brownies.
Oh, killers, huh? Yeah, they're called that because the first time my Uncle Ford ever smelled them baking, he came running in from the field and got hit by a combine.
He hung on for a few days.
At the end, he was just praying to die.
Well, eat up, everybody.
Hey, I don't know about Indiana, but around here, when guys get together to send another guy off to his doom, things can get a little raunchy (chuckles) You fellas ever dress up farm animals in women's clothing? No.
Well, then I'm one up on you.
Woody Harrelson, tell us about Woody Boyd.
Uh, he likes other people, you know, and he, he likes connecting with people, and he doesn't really, uh, care to, uh, own the bar or anything one day.
He just wants to be a bartender and live in the big city.
Woods, she likes to do her cushion pushing on four wheels.
Miss Howe really? You know, uh, back where I come from, we used to say something about girls like that.
What? Let's date them.
(chuckles) Well, actually, Carla, as a student of the theater, I have to correct you.
What you were doing there is not called acting.
It's called improvising.
Shut up, Woody.
Now, that would be directing.
I take it that there's a big part of you in Woody Boyd.
Yeah, I would say the virtue in me is, uh (laughing) (chuckles) No, I mean, we're both very honest.
Miss Howe, I don't mean to insult you, but you're looking kind of puny.
Have you lost weight? Is this a setup? Did Sam tell you to say that? No, ma'am, I told myself to say it.
Thank you, Woody.
That's the nicest thing anyone said to me all week.
Your hair's been looking kind of ratty, too.
Some people say that they they thought in your last couple of episodes, that you've been a little bit harsher than you normally are.
Yeah, I agree, by the way.
Shut up! What's the use? I don't care anymore.
Don't be bitter.
I'm not bitter, Sam.
I'm just consumed by a gnawing hate that's eating away at my gut until I can taste the bile in my mouth.
Well, I guess I am a little bitter.
Either that or I'm coming down with something.
Does anybody have a Tic Tac? WOMAN: I was wondering if Woody could perhaps recite the lyrics to "The Kelly Song"? Let me get in the right key.
Okay.
Kelly, my darling, you are my sunshine (piano plays) When we're together, I feel fine Your smile is so lovely, your hair is so clean You make me feel that the whole world is mine Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly K-E-L-L-Y Why? Because you're Albania, Albania You border on the Adriatic Good night, ladies Good night, ladies Good night, ladies We're going to leave you now Time to rap about a controversy Gonna take a stand, won't show no mercy Lotta folks say jocks shouldn't be Doin' the sports news on TV I don't want to hear the latest score From a punchy old broadcasting school board So get your scores from a guy like me Who knows what it's like to have a groin injury G-g-groin, g-g-groin G-g-groin injury Boola! The first night of the show, I mean, I really realized-- they introduced the cast members-- and I felt the void from the audience.
It was sort of like a silent, horrible void to me, I mean, maybe I was the only one seeing it, hearing it.
But it was it was for Shelley.
So right when I after I came out, and they, you know, they were nice to me, yeah, yeah, you know.
"Big deal, we're not gonna like you no matter what you do.
" (laughing) I will prove it to you.
I will dispel the myth that you turn my stomach.
I will give you a little kiss.
Here.
There.
Now, what category am I in? Yes? No? Oh, jeez, boy, why do I even bother with you? Whew! Definite maybe.
I heard that.
You said "maybe.
" We had an idea for a scene where she's in the office and Sam comes in the office.
They've got a bet that if he catches her with a cigarette, she will go to bed with him.
A-ha! Oh, uh, hey, uh, where's the pool table? Oh, wrong room.
She put a lit cigarette in her mouth, and all of a sudden we went, "This woman has hidden talents!" Oh, Norm, I need your help.
Oh, you just started.
You're gonna do fine.
Things are gonna turn around, I swear.
No, you idiot, my hair's stuck to the wall! It's a huge risk.
Take it.
Take it.
I'm moving to Tokyo.
I'm gonna take over the Japanese division.
I leave tonight.
Yes, darling, yes! Oh! Can I have my drink? You know, you men are all alike.
Yeah, so where was I? Uh, you were engaged to one of the richest men in the world.
Could I just have my check? Are you a man? Sure.
I'm gonna have to break it off with Robin.
Well, it's the right thing to do.
I'll just say to him, um "That's it, sweet baby.
" I think the two of us are cut out of the same cloth.
I think that we, perhaps, have a a friendship in the, in the making.
We may not see it yet, but I think we have a deep, deep friendship.
I think we're very similar.
Do you think you share value systems? Well, I think we're equally shallow.
Mr.
Colcord.
Rebecca, I'll be brief.
You were very understanding about that little incident back in my limo, and I think that kind of understanding should be rewarded.
So, I'd like you to have this.
(scoffs) (whispers): It's gorgeous! No! I should like to point out that if I had offered this bracelet to my chargé d'affaires, she would have snapped it up in a blur.
Heh, I admire your standards.
You know, this definitely puts you in the lead.
Must go.
Would you care to join me? Did you hear that? I am winning! I'm winning! No! Hey, come listen! Listen to me for a second here.
Come on, you've given up something very valuable and very important.
You're gonna regret this the rest of your life.
Oh! You're right.
I will take that bracelet.
SAM: Oh, it's not just losing the job.
It's that I was, you know, taken advantage of.
I know.
I know.
You know, that I was used.
That I was just you know, manipulated by somebody who just cynically wanted to get something from me.
Malone, what are you doing? I'm feelin' bad.
No, you are feeling pretty good.
Okay, I admit it.
I'm not a sad guy.
I'm a happy, horny guy.
What is Sam's philosophy of life? Service the queen bee, you know, to Look at the two of you! No, look at the three of us! Let's look at the two of you again.
Can we get a couple of piña coladas over here? Sure thing.
Let me just finish makin' this margarita.
So, anyway, Margarita All I can think about is getting home and jumping into bed.
Need anybody to break your fall? Guess who.
Uh-oh.
I'll give you a hint.
Vermont ski lodge, a roaring fire and baby oil.
Uh could you, uh, be more specific? Great.
What time will you be getting off? You've been with a lot of women.
No, I have not.
There have not been that many women.
Uh, that gets exaggerated here in the bar.
There haven't been that many, really.
How many have there been? Well, I don't know.
Maybe, uh, four hun (gasps): Oh! Honeys, honeys.
Four honeys.
You know, Sam, the church does recommend chastity to unmarried people.
(chuckles) Oh, I'm sorry.
You're serious, uh For the sake of our friendship, I am just gonna resist my sexual urges and that's all there is to it.
Now, come here.
There.
All right.
You know that I loved Evan Drake since the first time I met him.
I'm sorry.
This is not working.
Hot fire below.
I can't imagine not doing this show.
Um I think the thing I notice is that, uh, when I walk around, the incredible, uh, the faces of the people that look back when they recognize Cheers.
That, that look and that face is, uh coming back at you.
Uh, it's such a privilege to walk around in that atmosphere that it is, uh it's it's magical.
Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? All those nights when you've got no lights The check is in the mail And your little angel hung the cat up By its tail And your third fiancé didn't show Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You roll out of bed, Mr.
Coffee's dead The morning's looking bright Morning's looking bright And your shrink ran off to Europe And didn't even write And your husband wants to be a girl Be glad there's one place in the world Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name Where everybody knows your name Everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came Where everybody knows your name Everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came Where everybody knows your name Everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came.
I'll tell you what you do.
Why don't you Hey, would you get out of here?! Go on! Cheers to Cheers on your 200th.
Looking forward to Cheers' 400th.
(coughs) Bye-bye.
(theme song playing) (chattering) Thank you all for coming.
Thank you.