Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Bad Neighbor Sam

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh, Lilith.
Boy, am I happy to see you.
And I, as ever, you.
You know, I was cleanin' out my garage, and I was gonna toss a whole bunch of old toys into the Dumpster, and then I thought, "Oh, heck, maybe the Crane kid would like 'em.
" Oh, goodie! War toys.
Yeah.
Get a load of these, huh? Ah.
Little tin Confederate soldiers so my child can have the fun of reliving the carnage and agony of the Civil War.
You bet.
My Gino once did a battle of Gettysburg using these and a can of tomato bisque soup.
Oh! Here's a cute little dolly.
Yeah.
If you run her along the bar, she screams, and sparks fly out of her eyes.
Carla, these toys are inappropriate.
I fear that a child who spent his time playing with them would be in grave danger of developing severe personality disorders, possibly bordering on the psychotic.
Wow! Spark Head! God, I used to love this when I was a kid! Hey, guess who Sid and Gladys ran into the other day! Hank and Marilyn! (imitates squeaking and thudding) Through the windshield! Aah! Aah! Skidding on the pavement! (laughs) See? Do I want my son to grow up like that? (theme song begins) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see The troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Thanks for dropping me off, honey.
Sure.
Yeah.
Oh, I tell you guys-- man, phew! Martha's Vineyard is the sweetest place on Earth.
Bye, Sam.
Bye, Martha.
(laughs) Hey, let me buy you guys a round here, huh? Hey, all right.
Thank you, Sammy.
You are in a good mood, huh? Well, why not? I woke up on the right side of her bed.
You dog! I know something that'll make you feel even better.
Yeah? What's that? Guess who's taking over Melville's today.
Me? Wow! John Allen Hill Hmm.
Manhattan's foremost restaurateur.
And guess who made it all happen.
Me? Wow! REBECCA: No.
Me.
I was talking to Rob Wait, wait, wait.
Does this story have anything to do with me? Yes.
Wow! Go on, go on, go on.
When Mr.
Hill makes Melville's the toast of Boston's nightlife, our little bar will ride right along with it.
And all because of me.
Wow! Wow! Wow! Guys, check this out.
Kelly sent me pictures of herself all the way from Paris.
Ah.
Oh.
Hmm.
This one's a cutie.
Ooh! Yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's her on her bed in the in the convent.
FRASIER: Looking, uh, rather fetching in an oversized T-shirt reading, "Je suis avec Stupide.
" (laughs) (ribald laughter) Ooh, la, la.
So, who do you suppose took those snapshots, Wood? Oh, probably her roommate, Cindy Ann.
Hmm.
Well, I-I don't know, Woody.
There's a thumb in this picture.
Either it's a man's thumb, or little Cindy Ann could use a big bottle of Nair for Christmas.
I can't believe it.
This is a man's thumb.
She's having some hairy French guy take sexy pictures of her! All right, well, two can play at this game.
I'm gonna have some hairy French guy take pictures of me.
(door closes) I'm John Hill, your new upstairs neighbor.
Oh, hi.
And you must be Sam Malone.
Yeah.
How'd you know? My hatcheck girl described your hair.
She didn't do it justice.
Ah.
Well, it's kind of a hobby.
The joy it must bring you.
Well, Mr.
Malone, since we're going to be neighbors, I brought a little gift for your tavern.
Oh! Look at that.
Hey, all right.
It's a welcome mat with a duck on it.
Look at that.
Well, we've never really used a-a doormat before.
Well, not counting Clavin.
Do you, uh Do you think this kind of thing goes in a sports bar? Oh WOODY: Well, back in Hanover, duck hunting is considered one of the manliest of sports.
We used to do it all the time.
You-You actually shot ducks, Woody? Oh, no.
It was just an excuse for the guys to get together and drink hot cocoa and blow those little quacker dealies, right? I had the best one.
I made it out of a Good and Plenty box.
He's cute.
Does he come with his own dueling banjo? Well, Mr.
Malone, uh, please make sure your patrons use this mat before tracking dirt up to Melville's.
Oh, uh, John, you know, I Listen, I really don't think so.
Oh.
Well, fine.
Uh, oh, by the way I I think this will amuse you, Sam.
In looking at the property map that came with my title deed, it appears that the area beyond that hallway actually belongs to me.
Oh, no, no, John.
That's, uh that's the pool room, and those are our bathrooms.
No, no, no.
Look here.
You see? Apparently, it was Melville's old storage basement.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Don't.
Don't get alarmed.
I have no designs on them.
I just mentioned it, because I thought it was amusing.
(laughs weakly) That's-That's very funny.
Um so, do we still get to use it? Of course! We're neighbors.
Neighbors help each other.
Yeah, well, of c Yeah, of course they do.
Of course they You know, I got an idea.
Why don't you let me help you put this duck mat right down at the foot of the stairs? Well, that's very thoughtful of you, Sam.
Oh.
Oh, um, one other thing.
Our, uh, garbage area seems to be strewn with beer cans that appear to have been crushed against someone's forehead.
SAM: Oh I warned you about that.
Hey, I get crazy! Don't-Don't Don't worry about it, John.
I'll, uh I'll take care of that right away.
Also, your red Corvette seems to be parked in my space.
Oh, no.
Now-Now, John, I've-I've always parked in that space.
Not any longer.
Uh, fine.
All-All right.
Uh, I'll move it.
Of course you will.
You know, I I don't know if I like this guy so much.
He seems kind of snooty.
He's not snooty, Sam.
He's sophisticated.
I think this bar could benefit from his kind of class.
Oh, come on.
Cheers is classy enough the way it is.
(party horns tooting) Have you ever seen so many Yuppies with gold cards? John Allen Hill worked his magic, and we reap the benefits.
I love these charge slips.
Look at here.
They put down a five for a tip.
Now, all I have to do is stick a one in front of it and I got 15! Uh, oh, all right, Normie, you beat me fair and square, so, uh, all right, let me buy you a beer.
Yeah.
Um excuse me, I was, uh I was sitting, uh sitting there? Oh, there was no one here when we came in.
No, I mean, yesterday.
And I mean, really since the Ford administration.
We're just waiting for our table up in Melville's.
So you'll move? Look, there's lots of other stools.
Um (chuckles slightly): Um (clears throat) Look, uh, um Sounds kind of silly I'm, uh I'm Norm.
I'm Jeffrey, and this is Hillary.
Nice to meet you.
What do you do, Norm? I sit there.
(clears throat) Well, it's nice meeting you.
(clears throat repeatedly) Look, uh, this is this is (clears throat) Yeah.
We're runnin' out of time here.
He's-He's already two stages beyond anything I've seen before, so I-I think you'd better give him the stool.
I'm-I'm sorry.
We're sitting here.
(grunting) (thudding) Norm? Norm! Norm! (overlapping crowd chatter) Uh, what's all the commotion about? Who cares? Set 'em up, Wood.
(phone ringing) (clears throat) Cheers.
Uh, okay, just a second.
Armstrong, party of four, your table is ready.
Uh, have our drinks sent upstairs.
We'll pay for them up there.
Excuse me? Young man, could you call upstairs and tell them that we're waiting down in the lounge until our table is ready? Sure.
No, Woody.
Woody, no.
This is not This is not Melville's lounge.
Uh, I got to go talk to this Hill guy.
This is getting out of hand here.
This is my bar.
It's not his stupid yuppie lounge! I think Sam's overreacting just a bit, don't you? Ciao, gang! CROWD: Randy! Times they are a-changin', Mr.
P.
Hey, Norm! Norm, Norm, Norm! Give me your coat and tie, will you? Forgot about their stupid dress code.
Woody, you sent up a party of eight without calling ahead.
Where is my brain? Oh, man! This is going too far.
Sam! Sam! Sam, stop it.
Relax.
Listen, don't let your anger get the better of you.
That's the worst thing you can do in a business situation.
Well, maybe you're right.
I don't know.
It just You know, it seems to me like he's turning our bar into well, into something Diane would have liked.
All right, Sam.
You hold him, I'll hit him.
No, no.
You-You-You were right.
Thanks, man.
You were right the first time.
Listen, I'll just go talk to him here.
Say, Mr.
Hill John! Could I have a little chat with you? Oh, certainly, Mr.
Malone.
John, I'm I'm feeling a little uncomfortable with you delegating new responsibilities to my employees.
I understand completely.
Oh, good, so it'll stop.
No I think I deserve a little leeway.
After all, I am allowing you to use that poolroom as well as both washrooms.
Well, no, no, now wait a second.
I could just as easily say that I'm allowing you and your customers to use my stairs.
I mean, look, there go two of your customers up my stairs.
Yes, and there go two of your customers into my washroom.
Yeah, well, look, there go three more of your customers up my stairs.
Sam, I'm sensing hostility here, and, frankly, it hurts me.
I mean, especially since I came down to do you a favor.
Oh.
Uh, well, I'm sorry.
Uh, what's that? I wanted to give you the number of the impound lot where your automobile has been towed.
What? Well, you parked in my space again, and I had to have it taken away.
You towed my Vette? FRASIER: Sam Sam He towed my Vette.
Well all right.
I'm just I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you and your customers to no longer use my stairs.
Don't you think that's a little drastic? No, I don't.
I think it's quite fair.
I mean, it's not like I'm scratching their chrome with a giant metal hook.
Very well.
Everyone, may I have your attention? Melville's patrons are no longer welcome here.
Would you please join me upstairs for a complimentary cocktail? SAM: No, whoa, whoa.
Not you, Norm.
Carla! Carla, bring me one down! Hey, Carla, get-get out of line.
Well, I think I handled that quite well.
Nobody messes with Sam Malone, least of all some hairless king of the snobs.
Wow, that was a real shot at you from out of nowhere, huh, Dr.
Crane? There we go.
Well, congratulations, Sammy.
It's been a whole week since you gave Hill the boot, and he hasn't retaliated at all.
Oh, yeah, I know guys like that.
They're all the same.
You know, you call their bluff, pretty soon they crumble.
(thud) Can you believe the nerve of that guy putting up a wall like this? (shouting): you know the Constitution guarantees us certain rights, among those the right to go to the bathroom and the right to play pool! Way to tell them off, Sammy.
Actually they wouldn't let me in 'cause I wasn't wearing a jacket, but he can hear me! Sam, calm down.
I'm calm.
I'm calm.
I mean, just according to his lawyer, that horse's ass is not going to take down that brick wall until I pay rent on the poolroom.
(laughing): Ooh, ooh look what I did.
I stole all his dinner mints.
I know, I know, I know.
I shouldn't have done it.
Yes.
I just let him get to me just a touch.
It won't happen again, swear to God.
Ten bucks says he goes ballistic by midnight.
I've got ten that says 11:00.
Well, uh, I'll take 9:30.
Hey, Fras, you want in? Well, I don't think that would be fair.
I mean, I am a professional psychiatrist.
Then again, it might give me the edge I need.
I say by 8:15 he'll be spitting up blood.
Dr.
Crane, I need your help.
I've been walking the streets, pulling out my hair, bumping into things, talking to myself.
So, what's new, Woody? Well, it's Kelly.
I can't stop thinking about her and-and that man with the thumb.
Oh, Woody.
You've created this whole scenario based on what? A snapshot of an innocent girl in a T-shirt.
I mean, look, if you want to straighten things out, why don't you just call her and talk to her? Yeah, maybe you're right.
I mean, maybe if I just talk to her, we could clear this whole thing up.
But, so help me God if a man with a thumb answers Hold on.
It's him.
It's the thumb guy.
And you know what that pervert said to me? "Allo.
" What does that mean in English? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, I took some French in high school.
I think "allo" "allo" means, um "I've got your girlfriend in my arms and, uh, soon we'll be naked, you stupid cuckold.
" That's-that's funny, Norm, because I thought it meant, uh, "I've got your girlfriend in my arms and we're already naked, you stupid cuckold.
" FRASIER: Oh, for God's sake.
Stop hectoring the poor lad.
Woody, it simply means that "I enjoyed your girlfriend.
" (laughing) All right, listen, Monsieur Thumb, you think you got No, no, no, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, stop, stop.
We were just joking.
Here let me talk to him.
Bonjour, Monsieur.
Eh, mm-hmm, je suis un ami de Woody.
Un petit problème-- ma question est le photographe de Kelly.
Uh-huh.
(laughing) Non.
Non.
C'est marveilleux.
Merci.
Oh, Woody.
It seems that there's a a Monsignor, uh, Pilot, a very elderly French cleric, who was the one that took the photograph of your beloved.
Oh, well.
Thank you, Dr.
Crane.
I-I feel a million times better.
You know what I'm gonna do? I-I'm gonna I'm gonna go write Kelly the best darned love letter she's ever had.
CLIFF: There you go.
(Frasier chuckling) So, uh, some old French priest, huh? I have no idea.
Apparently, Woody dialed the wrong exchange.
Somewhere in Belgium, there's a very confused chocolatier.
I'm taking things into my own hands here.
I hate that damned wall.
I'm gonna put my bar back the way it was.
Coming out, no more bets.
Uh, excuse me, you may want to move over here just a little bit.
Fellas, you may want to take note where you were the day the wall came down.
(panting) (panting) Is it down yet? Mr.
Hill, wait here just one moment, please, okay? Sam, now I don't want you to be mad at me, but I brought Mr.
Hill here to settle this whole ugly mess between the two of you.
Please say you'll talk to him.
Oh, sure, I'd love to talk to him.
Not with the sledgehammer.
Aw, I wasn't gonna actually, you know, hit him with it.
I was just gonna drop it on his foot by mistake.
No, Sam.
Sammy, just let me have it.
(thud) Ow! It would have worked, Sam.
No, I'll just, uh I'll go talk to him, that's all right.
Mr.
Hill.
John.
I'm glad you came back.
Sit down for a second.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, things have just gotten too far out of hand here.
I mean, come on, we're neighbors.
We need to, well, we need to learn to live together.
We-we need each other.
I don't need you.
Oh, God, you're evil.
I can't fight the evil.
I-I I give up, Mr.
Hill.
You know, the funny thing is, I when I got my bar back just recently, I thought, "Hey, Sam, you're on top of the world here.
"Your life's finally turning around.
You're in charge of your own destiny.
" But I was wrong.
You have my bathrooms, Mr.
Hill.
You hold all the cards.
You're everything.
You're God.
I'm nothing.
Here's your rent.
I'm sorry, Sam, I was wrong.
I don't want your money.
You don't? No, I just want you to make that speech to me in public every month when your rent is due.
No, no.
I was wrong, you're not God.
You're-you're some big petty, mean nothing.
I'll tell you know I'm gonna give you your rent every month, and every month from here on out, and I'll tell you, every time I do I'm gonna write right down here on the memo part "You're not God.
" There.
How do you like that? Well, you certainly put me in my place.
I'll just, uh, take your money and go.
Yeah.
Good, good.
Oh, by the way, when I came in, I noticed they were towing your car again.
What for? I didn't park in your space.
No, but it was in a fire lane.
I don't make the rules.
I just notify the authorities when they're broken.
Oh, God! Oh, he's making me insane! Oh! I'd say that scream makes it official.
Woody, who won the pool? Well Oh, Sam, you aren't gonna believe this.
The winner of the $200 is our friendly new neighbor, John A.
Hill.
(grunts) (yells) He gets paid $200 to make me insane? No, he can't get away with this.
No, this is not fair.
I'll tell you something, I'm gonna make him take down that brick wall, brick by brick, with his own little polished fingernails.
I need I need to get back.
I need revenge.
Ooh, yes, yes.
The mat.
The stupid mat.
I've always hated this mat.
This is a mat from hell.
(grunting) Never mind.
Never mind.
Where's my sledgehammer? Yeah, die you stupid duck.
(grunting) CARLA: Sammy.
You're not making a dent in it.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Watch this.
(laughing) (panting) Burn, Donald, burn.
(laughing) It won't burn.
Say, this is a pretty good mat, isn't it? I know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna take this home for myself.
I'm gonna bring back one of those cheap ones, the kind that wear out all the time, and then he'll have to replace it himself every month.
I win!