Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Norm and Cliff's Excellent Adventure

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
CLIFF: Oh-- here's Sam.
CARLA: Oh, come on, Sammy.
Hey, Sammy.
Sammy, open up.
It's freezing! SAM: Hey, what are you guys standing around for? How come somebody didn't let you in? CARLA: I left my keys home.
SAM: Oh, no, I was counting on yours.
REBECCA: I left mine in the office.
Hurry up! It's cold! Well, how are we gonna get in here? NORM: 'Morning, everybody.
OTHERS: Norm! (keys jangling) NORM: Sorry I'm late.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Takin' a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see The troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
(grunts) Sorry I took so long getting here this morning.
Sam, you know, this is the fourth time this week that you've been late.
As a responsible businessman and the owner of this bar, you owe it to yourself to stick to a more responsible schedule, you know.
If the post office ran its business the way you run yours Never mind.
I have a good excuse this time.
I'm being treated by a dermatologist.
Is it anything serious? No, no, no I just told her that I had a patch of dry skin, and we stayed up all night looking for it.
Found it, too-- four times, by golly.
Sammy, uh, can we stick to the topic at hand, please? Yeah, Sam.
I don't mean to make any threats here, but Gary's Old Towne Tavern already opens a half-hour before you do.
And how do we know that, Norm? Hey, who's on trial here, huh? Hey, everybody.
Hey, Woody You won't believe this.
I just found out that on cable TV, they have this channel where they show you stuff and you can buy it any hour of the day, any day of the week.
How did we live before? Yeah, yeah.
Home Shopping Channel-- Ma loves it, she's always watching it.
She's always saying, "If I had a rich son, he'd buy me this, If I had a rich son, he'd buy me that.
" Who do you think bought her the TV in the first place? You, Cliffie? No, but if I find the guy, I'm gonna shove that clicker down his throat.
Look at this-- I already got my first package.
Yeah? Huh? It's a toy car and also rewinds videotapes.
Now, uh, wouldn't a VCR rewind tapes? Uh, not the one I bought last night.
REBECCA: Excuse me, Carla.
Did you read my last memo? No.
Well, if you had read it, you would know that we are no longer accepting time cards made out in pencil.
From now on, all paperwork must be done in ink.
Did you hear me? Are you acknowledging my memo? I heard you! I acknowledge the damn memo! Now would you get out of my face so I can finish this time card? I mean, this isn't easy, you know.
My pencil's almost down to the nub.
Well, as long as you're aware of the problem.
Oy that's something, eh, Norm? Remember the good old days? When you used to be able to take an argument like that between two gals and turn them into the Jets and the Sharks? Tell you what, Cliffie, for you, I'm gonna tee it up one more time.
All right.
Watch this.
Rebecca, uh, I noticed your little exchange with Carla over there, and I have to say, I admire your management technique.
Thank you very much, Norm.
It takes a lot of courage, you know, to humiliate yourself just for the well-being of one employee.
If you were a Japanese businessman, I mean, to lose face like that, you'd probably have to commit some sort of ritual suicide, you know? But here in America Carla! Come in my office, bring that time card and a pen.
I'd better be getting a raise.
(door closing) CLIFF: Oh, the master returns from his triumphal march to the valley of evil.
I got a raise.
Frasier, darling, today is our monthly luncheon with the Psychoanalytic and Social Therapeutic Practitioners Society.
Have you forgotten? Well, let me finish this double, and I might.
Now, Doctor Yeah, well, Lilith, I really can't stand another dry, endless luncheon in some stuffy old restaurant.
Pretty boring, huh, Fras? Well, let me put it this way, Sam.
Lilith is the Dorothy Parker of this particular roundtable.
Come on, Frasier, let's go.
All right, but I won't enjoy it.
Hey, Norm, go ahead, make them fight.
Oh, you do it, come on.
Me? Yeah.
CLIFF: Hey, Fras, you think Carla should be filling out the time card with a pen or a pencil? I can see why you can't tear yourself away from this place.
All right, all right, all right.
So I'm not you.
Cliffie, come on now.
Buck up, buddy.
You're, you're just warming up here.
You got to start out with an easy one first, huh? Yeah.
Look, there's there's Paul! There's Paul.
Hey, Hey, Paul! Shut up, fathead! Hey, guys.
Hey, Wood.
Look what I just got on the shopping channel.
Now, there's only about 2,000 of these little babies left, so a word to the wise.
Well? Well, that's, uh It's beautiful, Woody.
It's a beautiful cow.
I'll say, and that's not the best part of it.
It's also a great clock.
(click) MALE VOICE: It's (imitating cow bellow): noon.
What, um What happens if it's 7:00 o'clock? Well, a cow's power of speech are kind of limited, you know.
Everything kind of sounds like (imitates cow bellowing): noon.
How do you ever know what time it is? Well, it helps if you wear a watch.
I think it's, um I think it's nice, Woody.
Really? Yeah.
It's yours.
Oh, no, Woody.
I-I-I I real I couldn't.
Miss Howe, I've been to your apartment.
Take the cow.
I know you fellows favor a more formal atmosphere, but allow me to charm you with the quaint hospitality of my friendly neighborhood tavern.
Excuse me, Frasier.
I have to go check my messages.
You got one from Madame Tussauds.
"Get back to the museum.
" Champagne for everyone, Sam.
Oh! I'm trying to convince my esteemed colleagues to move their monthly meetings to your fine establishment.
Oh, hey, thanks.
That's great.
Uh, my, uh, gold card should keep the, uh the bubbly flowing.
(laughs) NORM: Cliffie, the master has a thought.
CLIFF: Yes? One might wonder what would happen if, uh, we called a certain credit card company and reported that number as stolen.
Then when a certain bartender tried to put it through for a certain customer, and it wasn't honored, what do you suppose would happen? I don't know.
Major fireworks.
Oh! You're a genius! Why do you put up with me? I don't know.
Frasier, I have to leave.
There's been an emergency.
Is it Frederick? No, no.
Otto, my lab assistant, has gotten into the synthetic hormones again.
I have to bail him out.
Or her.
I won't know until I get there.
Oh, no! Miss Howe, look what I found in the trash! It's your cow! Oh, dear, how could that have gotten in there? Sam? You told me to throw it away.
So, the paranoid says (laughing) "Help! Help! They're all out to get me!" (laughing) I guess you had to be in the session.
Crane, can I speak to you for a minute? Oh, of course, Sam.
SAM: Got a little problem here-- I, uh, called to get approval on your credit card here, and they told me it was stolen.
Well that's utterly ludicrous, Sam.
Well, yeah, that's what I told them, but they-they insisted that it is stolen.
Yes, I-I knocked myself over the head and stole my own credit card.
That's brilliant, Sam.
Who would ever suspect me? SAM: I'm not kidding here.
You know, they're very serious about their rules.
They told me that I have to cut this up.
You wouldn't, Sam! I don't want to, no! Tell you what.
Um, why don't I, uh, run a tab, huh? Well, I don't need a tab.
It's a perfectly good card! Well, why don't I just, uh? This is on the house, all right? Oh, fine! Now you're adding insult to injury! Well, I don't take charity! Just give me back my card! I can't give you back the card, Frasier.
I've got to cut it up and send the pieces back to the company.
(scoffs) You do not have to do that.
Yes, I do! They spent a half an hour on just that fact at the seminar at the Sheraton.
Sam, I am telling you, you do not have to do that! You weren't at the seminar.
If I don't do this, they're gonna take my little card thingy away.
Sam, I am not asking you.
I'm telling you! Give me back my card! Don't take that tone of voice with me! Frasier, can I help? I have a card that works.
Oh shut up, you Skinnerian baboon! Sam, do not touch those scissors to that card! I got to do it, Frasier.
You do not! Yes, I (choking grunt) I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I t-tell you what.
Here, take-take my credit cards.
Oh, fine! With your $90 credit limit, I can go hog-wild at Monkey Ward's! You have made me look the fool.
Yeah, I think you've taken care of that all by yourself, Frasier! Oh.
So it's come to this, has it? After years of friendship, you proudly pour a tall cup of humiliation.
Well, I've had enough, thank you.
This is good-bye.
You have seen and heard the last of Frasier Crane.
From this moment forward, I am never stepping foot in this bar again! I close the iron door upon you! What do we do now, oh master? Shut up and stop calling me master.
Anyone hear from Frasier since yesterday? He'll be back, don't worry about it.
I don't know, he left here pretty angry.
I mean, I keep calling the house, and the machine keeps picking up.
Oh, Lilith answers? He's blowing off steam.
He'll be back.
Oh, I hope so.
Well (clears throat) I guess we really messed up, huh? We learned our lesson, Cliff.
We've got to stop messing with people's minds.
Yeah, I agree.
By the way, your fly's open, buddy.
Yeah, so's yours.
(both laughing) You can't expect a guy to go cold turkey, you know.
(laughing) You checked, didn't you, Cliff? Oh, yeah, like you weren't looking through the bottom of that beer mug.
Miss Howe? Last night the shopping channel was a consumer bonanza, and I took advantage of it.
Their loss is your gain.
First, I got you a genuine gold-look bracelet with 200 real sapphires.
Oh, Woody.
First of all, you have to stop buying me gifts.
And second of all, you have to learn that sapphires are blue.
Okay, but you can't say "no" to a new and improved snackmaster and a portable solar-powered telephone.
Woody, I cannot accept these.
People are going to get the wrong idea.
What, that I have a crush on you? No, that I like crap.
You're calling this stuff "crap"? I'm sorry, Woody.
No, no, I was looking for the right word.
Well, if you don't like it either, why do you keep buying this stuff? Not "stuff," Miss Howe-- "crap.
" I buy it because it looks good on TV.
The second they flash that 800 number, I'm dialing.
Woody, this-this has got to stop.
Well, it-it has stopped, Miss Howe.
I went over my credit limit with this crap.
Unless, of course, you'd care to advance me six months on my paycheck.
Could be another necklace in it for you.
An-And if you decide not to give me the advance, just keep the necklace as your free gift.
Woody, you are hooked.
Listen to me, you need help.
I don't need help, I just need more credit.
You're right, Miss Howe, I do need help.
I'm scared.
Help me.
Act now.
Well, I just got in touch with Frasier.
NORM: Oh, yeah, what'd he say? Well, he said that he considers these phone calls a harassment.
If I don't cease and desist, he's gonna get a court order restraining me from coming within 50 feet of him.
Restraining order-- the last resort of shrinks and housewives in nightgowns.
Come on, Cliffie.
We've gotta stop this before it gets any further.
We've got to go to Frasier, tell him exactly what happened.
Accept all blame, and the sooner the better.
Yeah, you're right.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What? I just thought of something.
What's that? If we wait like a couple of hours, it'll be dinnertime.
Might be able to snag a free meal.
You are the master, oh salam.
Now, this is lovely.
The baby's with my mother, and there's nothing to disturb our peaceful Eden.
You're right, darling, nothing.
Except for the burned-in image of Sam cutting my gold card into pieces before my very eyes.
You know, Frasier, after listening to you complain about that for the umpteenth time, it's becoming impossible for me to sympathize.
(quietly): Of course not.
Sympathy is a human emotion.
What? Oh, I'm sorry, darling, I'm just lashing out.
(quietly): Got off a good one, though.
Frasier, you've got to stop this cycle of negativity.
Come, let's try some positive imagery.
You're back in Maui.
Feel the trade winds caressing your cheeks, ruffling your hair.
Smell the plumeria.
Taste the mai tai.
Feel the gentle swaying swaying of the ancient palms.
The rhythm the rhythm the rhythm Are you there? Yes, I'm there.
I'm in paradise.
And I'm paying for the whole shebang with my gold card.
Which was gladly accepted, and returned in one piece, by a man in a flowered sarong! Frasier, get a grip.
Oh, you're right, you're right.
You know, Sam's done me a favor actually.
Instead of spending the night there in his sleazy saloon, I'm I'm at home here with my love.
I'm going to serenade you.
Why, Frasier, you haven't done that since Have you ever done that? Well, I'm doing it now.
Remember this one, darling? (plays gentle melody) How could I forget? Autumn in New York Moonlight in Vermont You sing it.
All right.
Autumn in New York What makes it seem so exciting? Autumn in New York It spells the thrill of first nighting (music stops) It was a lovely honeymoon, wasn't it? (voice breaks): I bought this piano with my gold card.
I mean, yes, dear.
(doorbell rings) I'll get it.
Hi, Lilith.
Cliff, Norm.
Frasier, it's Cliff and Norm.
Well, good night, gentlemen.
I've suddenly developed a splitting migraine.
What a pleasure to see my boon companions here in my home.
Come in.
Come in.
Yeah, well, Fras, look, we don't want to interrupt your dinner or anything like that.
Oh, no, we finished hours ago.
Yeah, nice shortcut, Cliff.
I see that you left the butcher of all things plastic back in the bar to come visit old Frasier.
Yeah, yeah.
Fras, uh just out of curiosity, what did you have for dinner? Uh, uh, let me guess.
(inhales sharply) Ah, porterhouse steaks, smothered with mushrooms, green beans with sliced almonds, some, uh, apple brown Betty, and, uh.
decaf cappuccino.
(laughs) Ain't he something? Actually, we had Chinese brought in.
Guess it must be in my coat.
Here, come come and sit down.
You know, I can't tell you how special this is.
We never seem to get together outside of that infernal bar.
Never get together just as pals.
Yeah, whatever.
Fras, you don't have any Chinese left, do you? No, sorry.
Norm, Norm we come here to talk about a topic a lot more important than food.
Found an almond cookie.
If you're here to try to patch up my relationship with Mr.
Malone, just forget it.
Give me half, will you, Cliff? I tell you, I have seen the last of that ex-jock in a pompadour.
Frasier, you've got to let us explain what happened here.
Fras, uh, you see, sometimes guys do things, you know, which they they think seem like a good idea at the time.
But they're really not such a good idea.
I guess what I'm trying to say is That that Sam wants me to come back to Cheers so that he can get down on his knees and apologize to me in public and in person.
Yeah, that's even better.
Great, come on, let's go.
Sammy, don't drop down on your knees to beg for forgiveness till he's all the way through the door but look who's here.
Hey! You brought Frasier back.
See, now, if we can just get them to erase everything from their memories from the last 36 hours, we're home free.
I'm waiting, Sam.
Waiting for what? Sammy, don't torture your friend.
Frasier just swallowed his pride to come back in here, so get down on your knees and beg him to forgive you and then we can start celebrating.
I'm sorry.
Thanks, Sam.
NORM: That's what we like to see.
Yeah, I bet you nobody even remembers what started the silly argument in the first place.
I do-- Sam cut up his gold card.
That was funny.
Woody, come on, we're, uh you know, I apologized for that.
We're beyond that right now.
Is that it? That is the sum total of your contrition? I mean, I know you're not Walt Whitman, Sam, but I mean, really a couple more "uhs" and "you knows" would at least lend it a little creditability.
Well, you didn't let me finish, Frasier.
I was going to say that I'm sorry that you were such a big jerk yesterday and that you're such a big baby today.
Well, that tears it.
When I walk out this time, believe me when I tell you that I will never brighten this door again.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Frasier, Frasier, wait a minute.
Before this thing gets any further, come on now, sit down, relax.
I think it's time that both you guys understand the truth.
Cliffie? Well, Fras, see, yesterday, uh, Normie and I, we were feeling a little frisky and as sort of a gag, we, uh, made a phone call and reported your credit card stolen.
My God, Cliff, that is fraud! You think you know a guy, Sam.
Damn it, Norm.
Come on.
All right, all right, all right.
I may have, uh, been in the vicinity during that phone call.
I might have actually dialed the number.
So it's your fault? Sam, I owe you an apology.
No, no.
I had no idea.
You guys are really stirring it up, aren't you? Okay, fellas, give me your credit cards right now.
What? Aw Give me your credit cards.
You-you can't cut them up.
I'm not gonna cut them up.
NORM: Don't cut them up, Sam.
Woody, you're back in business.
Shop away.
NORM: Oh, no.
All right.
Get the scissors and cut them right now.