Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Woody Interruptus

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
(wrench clicking) Oh, no! You got some car trouble? Oh, yeah.
Every time it gets cold, my stupid battery dies.
Gotta get a new one? Ugh! No, that's all right.
I got one right here.
(grunts) Here.
Norm, close the hood.
Start walking real fast.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Hey, guys, how do I look? NORM: Ooh! Hey! Major spiffy! Oh, that's right! Today's the big day, isn't it? Yup.
Kelly's coming back from France.
Ah! She's hopping the pond, eh? The what? The pond.
It's a reference to the Atlantic.
Uh, the Atlantic is an ocean, not a pond, Dr.
Crane.
How many of those have you had? Apparently, not enough.
Boy, I am really nervous.
It seems like Kelly's been gone a year.
How long has she been gone? A year.
Can I put some ice in that drink for you, Dr.
Crane? Hey, guys! I just put a down payment on immortality! Oh, yeah? What are you talking about? I'm s I'm sorry.
It just slipped out.
The miracle of cryogenics.
Oh, that thing where they freeze you? Yeah.
Go ahead, take a look.
You know, when my number is up, uh, I'll be frozen and preserved in a subzero container moments after a doctor declares me legally brain dead.
Boy, that's a tough call.
You know, in this brochure, the containers look kind of small.
They don't freeze your entire body.
No, just the brain pan.
They cut off your head and freeze it? Uh-huh.
What do they do with the rest of your body, throw it away? Well, it's a start.
NORM: Cliff, uh, this corporation wouldn't be owned by a dog food company, would it? SAM: I want to get this straight.
So, when it's time for you to thaw out, what do they do? They, like, uh, put your head in a plastic bag and plop you in some boiling water for three minutes? CARLA: Sammy! Sammy, this is science, not Lean Cuisine.
Hey, Clavin on ice.
That's nice.
FRASIER: Now, wait a minute.
Why is everybody making fun of Cliff? Now, I'm not saying that I believe that Cliff's severed head will be brought back to life in the year 2278 to charm and delight a new generation of Bostonians, but who knows? I mean, who can predict the future? CARLA: Hey, look, everybody-- it's Clavin's family reunion! That's it, I'm out of here.
I'll have real friends in 2278! NORM: Oh, yeah.
You and the other severed heads can go bowling or something.
(laughter) Hello, Woody! Kelly! Boy, I've missed you, Kelly! I've missed you, too, Woody.
Ah.
I brought you a present.
It's a real French beret.
Tada! Oh, wow! It was between this one and the one with the arrow through it.
Oh, well, this one's nice, too.
Surprise! I got them both! Oh! This is gonna be fun.
This is gonna be just like old times.
I can't wait.
So what do you feel like doing? I don't know.
What do you feel like doing? I don't know.
What do you feel like doing? Gosh, this is just like old times.
Listen, maybe Henri will know what to do.
Who? Henri, my new best friend from Paris.
Woody, this is Henri.
Henri, this is Woody.
Ah, Woody.
Yes, I've heard so much about you.
Yeah.
Give me 40 bucks, please.
I have to pay for the cab.
Thanks.
I'll be right back.
Kelly, that guy just take me for 40 bucks, kiss you twice and leave? Woody, you're so American! Henri is my photography teacher.
He's the greatest.
He showed me all of Paris, taught me all about French food, taught me not to be ashamed of my body, and he he lectured me in history and art.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
C-Can we go back to that body thing? Henri took some art photographs of me.
They were very tasteful.
Now, hold on.
You-You guys aren't Ugh! No, of course not! He's just here on vacation.
Sure, he's always joking about how he's gonna steal me away from you, but he's only kidding.
Are you sure? Henri, you're gonna love this.
Woody thinks you really are (snickering): trying to steal me away from him.
Oh! (laughs) Oh, that's so funny.
I am, you know.
Right out from under your nose.
(Henri laughs) See how he is, Woody? He really cracks me up.
(laughing): Yeah, that's a good one.
Now, I got one for you, Henri.
Get your hands off my girlfriend.
Henri, if you'll excuse us a moment.
Woody, I think you were a little rude to Henri just now.
Yeah, well, I think Henri was a little rude, too.
He's supposed to be rude; he's French.
I'm, uh, Sam Malone, by the way.
Oh! I've heard about you in France.
Oh, yeah.
You follow baseball? No.
Stewardesses.
Oh.
Uh, when I first came in, I was afraid that you were Woody, uh, but then when I saw the real thing, I was most relieved.
Why's that? Heh.
No competition.
I could steal Kelly with both hands tied behind my back.
Ooh! Listen, Kelly's Woody's girlfriend.
I'm sure you could have any woman you wanted.
I know, but, uh, Kelly is so innocent and naive.
I love to change that.
Boy, I'm kind of torn here.
I mean, Woody's my closest friend, but that is a real solid argument.
You know, Woody may surprise you there, you know.
He's, uh looks like a pushover, but he's got his way with women.
Oh, no, I've been shot through the head! I've been shot through the head! I'll take my chances.
(Henri and Kelly laughing) Come on, Woody.
Woody, how about this one? Knock, knock.
Who's there? Henri, the guy who's going to steal your girlfriend.
KELLY: Now, Henri, this is getting a little tiresome.
Oh? I'm kidding.
It's really cute.
Oh.
Woody, why don't you get us some drinks? Three sodas, Sam.
You know, Woody, I I'd watch out for that guy, if I were you.
Oh, I know he's annoying, Carla, but Kelly swears that he's just joking around to get my goat.
I don't think he's joking around there, Woody.
Yeah, I don't think so, either.
I mean, the French aren't exactly known for their sense of humor.
What do you mean? Well, let me put it this way: Their, uh, comic hero is Jerry Lewis.
What's your point? Yeah.
What's your point? Oh, Henri, that's impossible! No one can do that! No.
It's true.
I'll show you.
What are you guys doing? Henri says he can teach me to tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue.
Here, uh, we'll demonstrate.
I'll be the cherry stem.
Hold it.
Hold it.
That's it, frogman.
Get away from my girlfriend! I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking you're more sophisticated than me, and classier than me, and smarter than me, and that and that you got better hair than mine, and that you're taller than me, and-and you got that strong jaw line.
What was my point? Oh, yeah-- you get out of here before I kick your butt back to the Eiffel Tower! Very well.
But I do feel I should be allowed to say something in my defense.
Go ahead.
I'm going to steal your girlfriend.
I can't believe Kelly would be so mad at me just 'cause I stood up to Henri.
It's like she's starting to like him better than me.
Hey, Sam, you don't think that maybe they've been to To the back of the barn? I was gonna say to bed together.
What-What is the back of the barn? What does that mean? That-That's-That's where the compost heap is.
I can't think of any place less romantic.
I don't think they've slept together yet, Woody, but I-I would be concerned about Henri.
I mean, I know guys like this.
I mean, I am a guy like this.
Well, what can I do, Sam? Well, how's-how's your love life? I mean, the physical part? Well, I can't speak for Kelly, but I'm looking forward to it.
You're-You're telling me that-that you and Kelly haven't slept together? Well, uh, we-we did once, when we went to see Old Gringo, but the whole row was snoring.
Well, I You know, I think this may be your problem here, Wood.
Well, I always figured we'd wait until after we were married.
That's-That's the way everybody in Hanover does it.
Except for that couple that teaches art at the high school.
I think waiting for marriage is a wonderful idea.
REBECCA: I wish I had.
I also wish that I had studied harder in college and maybe gone for a different career.
Maybe engineering.
And, you know, Boston was a bad move.
And then, I mean, of course, you can't choose your own parents.
But if I could have, I would have chosen two that were more supportive, you know, like Brian Keith and Maureen O'Hara in The Parent Trap.
Woody, is this helping you? Well, even if it isn't, just thinking about The Parent Trap for a moment made me feel good.
What do you think about premarital sex, Mr.
P? Well, Wood, there's an old saying, you know, uh "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Then of course, you, uh, you get married, you wake up one day and realize: "Oh, my God.
I've married a cow.
" Thanks, Mr.
P.
Hey, uh, Sam, what if we do it and it becomes like a crutch, and we rely on it for the rest of our lives? Well, then you know you did it right.
But you better hurry or Henri's gonna beat you to it.
All right.
I'm gonna go through with it.
All right! WOODY: Yeah, right.
But if it's gonna happen, it's gotta be wonderful.
Where can we go? We can't go to her place, 'cause her Dad's home.
Well, then why don't you go to a motel? This is all second nature to you, isn't it, Sam? Look at him.
Walking out of here a boy, and he's gonna come back a happy boy.
Everyone! This is Dr.
Eugene Eckworth, a renowned scientist and surgeon.
A man who not only believes in cryogenics, but has just performed the procedure you all scorned so zestfully.
Yes, I'm in the process of transferring one of our thermostatic clients to a storage facility.
My good friend, Frasier, asked me to stop by for a drink.
You-You telling me you brought a severed head into the bar? Oh, man, we gotta have a policy against that, don't we? CLIFF: Hey.
Don't worry, it's, uh, it's frozen.
It's not like it's gonna go bad or anything.
Hey, a game of pool, Gene? You can leave the head there.
Oh, that's just fine.
Ooh, weird-looking box.
What's in there? Um, I don't know.
Why don't you look? Okay.
No! No-no, don't do that! There's a frozen severed head in that thing.
Oh, give me a break, Sam.
She's right.
There's no head in there.
Then why doesn't somebody open it? Yeah, you're kind of in charge of all body parts around here, aren't you, Sam? All right, we'll-- I'll open it up take a quick look, see that there's no head in there and then I'll just shut it up again, all right? Okay.
(chuckles): This Well? I can't see anything in there.
MALE ELECTRONIC VOICE: Help me.
(all screaming) CLIFF: Ha! Ha! Hey! Hey! Well, look who's laughing now, huh? ELECTRONIC VOICE: Help me Help me (switch clicks) Ha! You guys were running away from a tape recorder! Cliff, I must admit that was funny.
Thanks a lot, Gene.
No problem, Fras.
FRASIER (laughing): Take care.
Hey, Doc, that was great.
Congratulations.
We make a good team, you and me.
Ah, we showed them.
Hey, how would you like to play a trick like that on somebody else tomorrow, huh? Wouldn't that be great? Lot of people I'd like to get even with.
Guys down at the post office.
All the people in my apartment complex.
Ma! Ooh, I'd love to nail her! Help me! Well, here's your room, Mr.
and Mrs.
Malone.
Well, thank you.
The wife and I really enjoy getting away from the kids for a relaxing evening.
By the way, honey, shouldn't we call the babysitter and tell her there's some chicken in the fridge? The little woman is a great cook.
Almost makes putting up with the mother-in-law worthwhile.
You two aren't married, are you? No.
(flatly): Gee, you really had me going there for a while.
(door closes) Well, this is it.
Just you and me alone together.
So, uh, what should we do first? We could kiss.
Yeah, we've done that lots of times.
Yeah.
Boy, I've never felt this self-conscious about kissing you.
My lips feel huge.
Well, they've always been full.
Really? They feel like two big pieces of liver slapping together.
Oh, no, I can hardly talk.
Woody, I think we're both a little bit nervous, so why don't we lie down and relax.
Okay? (sighs) Oh! Hey, this is one of those vibrating beds.
I always wanted to try this.
(coin clinks) Oh, darn, I dropped the quarter.
I have another quarter.
No, no, I'll get it.
(coin clatters into box) (electric motor rattles and whirrs) (loudly): I'll turn it off! Boy, I don't know why people like this thing.
Let me kiss your head, Woody.
Does that feel better? Yeah, that feels a lot better.
(knocking) Oh, no.
It's the manager.
He figured out we're not married.
But, Woody, you told him we're not married.
Then I guess it was easy for him to piece together.
(knocking) CARLA: Woody, open the door! Carla, what are you doing here? Oh, good, you're still dressed.
Thank God I'm not too late.
I knew I would find you guys here.
I gotta talk to you guys before you make what could be the worst mistake of your lives.
What's she talking about, Woody? I'm talking about you two getting together in this motel room for all the wrong reasons.
She's talking about the two of us getting together in this motel room for all the wrong reasons.
Kids making love is a very special thing between two people.
You don't want to throw that away just so you can beat some Frenchman to the punch.
Believe me.
I came to this motel when I was 16 years old.
You know what happened? I got knocked up.
And, uh, here I am, eight kids later, trying to talk you kids out of making the same mistake.
Carla's right.
When it happens, it has to be special.
It has to be the most meaningful thing in the whole world.
You know, if if it were up to me, I I think we should wait.
You mean until we're married? No, until I can afford a nice room at the Four Seasons, instead of some cheap motel.
No offense, Carla.
I know this place has sentimental meaning to you.
Let's go.
Boy, I'm glad I could help you guys.
Yeah, I don't know how to thank you, Carla.
Yeah, that's okay.
See, I told you I could get us a vacancy.
Come on, Frenchie.
Here's your big chance.
Steal me away from Woody.
Hey, Doc.
Where is everybody? Have you seen Norm? Well, Cliff, Norm was pretty upset about our little severed head gag this afternoon.
He's been moping in the pool room all day.
I I don't know.
Really? Gee, uh, it was meant to be a joke.
Hey, Norm! Come on out here, will you? I didn't mean to scare you.
No, let me, let me go see if he's okay.
Oh, my God! Cliffie! (screaming) (screaming continues) (both guffawing) Very funny, Fras.
Hey, I go where the thrills are.