Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Days of Wine and Neuroses (1)

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Sorry, Sam.
I can't fix the jukebox here.
Got to take it back to the shop and open her up.
I'll go get the guys.
Take it back to the shop, my foot.
That's the biggest ploy in the fix-it racket, Sammy.
You know they tell you that just so they can jack up the price on you.
Trust me.
All this baby needs is one swift, good (thuds, rattles, clanks, clangs) Shop time.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Well, what are we gonna do without our jukebox? The place won't be the same.
No jukebox? I feel naked.
Excuse me.
Why are you all mourning the temporary loss of this jukebox? I mean, you never play it.
No, no, no, Fras, the point is, it's the perfect height to lean on.
Take a look at what it does to the line of my body there.
Perfect pick-up pose, man.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I'm just demonstrating.
I'll talk to you later.
All right, Sam.
But you never play it.
Frasier, I never play Vera either, but I'd miss her if a couple guys wheeled her out of here on a refrigerator dolly.
Sam, I should have her back in a week, good as new.
A week? How can we live without our juke for a week? Now, don't you have a loaner or something? I'm all out of jukeboxes.
How about a cigarette machine? Naw, we'd never use that.
You never use the jukebox! Hey, if you want, I could loan you a karaoke machine.
What's a karaoke machine? CLIFF: Walter.
May I? You see, a karaoke machine is a self-contained, uh, musical gizmo of Oriental origin, much like yourself.
You know, it plays the, uh, well, the background accompaniment to popular songs so that shower crooners like myself can sing along.
Oh, Clavin, I didn't know you did that.
I'm amazed.
That I sing? No, that you shower.
By the way, your singing stinks, too.
REBECCA: Hey, you guys.
Look what it says here on my limerick-a-day calendar.
Ohh, let me guess.
"There was an old maid named Becks who went a long time without sex.
" Carla, why does your humor always have to be at someone else's expense? That's what makes me laugh.
Well, for those of you who do care, Robin gets out of prison on Monday.
Oh well, that's great, great.
But aren't you kind of forgetting something important? No, no, no.
No, I remember, I r we won't have any money.
We'll have to start all over.
No, no, no, no, the limerick, read the limerick.
I cannot believe you guys are more interested in some stupid rhyme than in my happiness.
Well, it's certainly not true in my case, Ms.
Well, thank you, Woody.
I'm interested in both equally.
Boy, she saw right through me.
I'm dying to hear that limerick.
Here we go, Sam-- the karaoke machine and some song catalogs to go along with it.
Oh, great.
Just what we need-- a loud, abrasive noise-making machine.
Fras, come on, don't pick on something that can't defend itself.
Thank you, Norm.
Well, perhaps I passed judgment too quickly here.
This may have some merit in it.
It's filled with old standards.
It's got, uh, "Someone to Watch Over Me," "All of Me," "You Made Me Love You.
" (music plays) Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolli-lolli-lolli Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolli-lolli-lolli, lollipop (pops) Bah-dum-dum-dum Lollipop, lollipop Oh, lolli-lolli-lolli, lollipop Normie, Normie, how does, how does this song end? I don't know.
I think it just kind of keeps going till one of us drops.
Bah-dum-dum-dum Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolli-lolli-lolli, lollipop Oh, please! Lolli-lolli-lolli This is the silliest, dopiest display we've ever witnessed.
And if you want to make a pop, you do it like this.
(pops) I've got a delivery for a Ms.
Rebecca Howe? I'm Rebecca Howe.
Here you go.
And here you go.
Oh, a shiny quarter.
Jeepers, this'll pay for my sister's operation.
Look at this.
A single white rose.
I wonder what this means.
Well, if it means the same thing it does in my family, you'd better have Clavin start your car tonight.
It's from Robin.
"Dear Rebecca, I'll be free on Monday.
"If you're free as well, would you care to join me in holy matrimony?" Oh, my God.
This is a proposal! In three days, I'm gonna be Mrs.
Robin Colcord.
Yeah, that is a cause for a special celebration.
Woody, I think I'll have a beer.
Well, congratulations, Ms.
I mean, gosh, you know I may not be the most inarticulate guy in the world, but Wait, wait, wait, don't you mean articulate? Well, isn't it the same thing like flammable and inflammable? Boy, I learned that one the hard way.
Honey, I think this is great.
There's something you ought to know before you get married.
What is that? I have this strict policy about going to bed with married women.
So this weekend is your absolute last chance to have me again.
I don't think so, Sam.
All right.
All right.
Stupid policy.
Uh, how about the weekend after that? No.
Come on.
Lilith, I can't believe you did this.
Nobody's ever thrown a party like this for me before.
Turnabout is fair play.
You gave me my bridal shower three years ago.
Oh, yeah, but Lilith, I just threw that together.
I really didn't put any thought into it at all.
That would explain the napkins that said, "Mazel tov, Si and Effie Kupperman.
" I got a break on those when Si Kupperman skipped town with his secretary.
How lucky for me.
Boy, these Mylar balloons are a public hazard.
What do you mean? Well, Mylar is a form of metal, Paul, and if you release these things they get caught up in the high-tension wires; they cause an arc, sending a shower of sparks all over the place, and it hey, it could put out the lights of a whole city block.
All right.
FRASIER: Gentlemen.
If I may, I would like to propose a toast to the woman of the hour, the reason we're all gathered here at this wonderful party.
To a very special lady, who, I must say, has a glow tonight like I've never seen before.
Thank you, Frasier.
Oh, pipe down.
I've gotta finish this toast to Lilith or she'll kill me.
To Lilith.
I'd just like to say, it's a really beautiful day.
And this is a really nice party and if I'm ever lucky enough to be married, I hope it's to someone just like you.
To Lilith.
This is more attention than I got at my own shower.
Well I'd like to make a toast to the bride-to-be.
Mmm? Yep.
Uh I'd just like to say that, uh, you know, when, when you and Robin first got together, none of us thought that a match between a billionaire tycoon and a, you you know, would work out.
But, uh, this is just great, honey.
I, I wish the two of you, uh, happiness forever and ever.
That's very sweet, Sam.
And I want to make a toast, too.
To you, and all you guys in the bar, you really stood by me, and I love you all.
To us.
Oh, thank you.
She didn't mention my name.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I'd like to make another toast.
She's going to bail herself out.
To Robin.
Strike two.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
One more.
I feel like I'm leaving somebody out.
Here we go.
To me, and to my happiness.
Okay, Frasier.
That's it.
Get your coat.
And of course to Lilith.
Oh, Rebecca, you didn't have to.
Frasier, put your coat down.
We're not going anywhere.
Okay, everybody, uh, give me your attention.
A couple of the guys have put together a song for the future Mrs.
Hit it.
(high-pitched singing): Lollipop, lollipop Oh, lolli-lolli-lolli Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolli-lolli-lolli Lollipop, lollipop Oh, lolli-lolli Excuse me.
Paul, shut that thing off.
My wife is throwing a lovely shower here.
The least you can do is show a little respect.
Aw, Fras, we're just giving a gift of music here.
Some gift.
And singing with those stupid voices an even stupider song.
What's, what is that song even supposed to mean anyway? Well, it's, uh, it's about this girl and, uh Lollipop.
All right, if you must sing, why don't you sing something a little more appropriate to the occasion? Now, look, here's here's a lovely song: "Isn't It Romantic?" Yeah, it's kind of slow, isn't it? Yeah, you don't get to make any funny noises in it either.
Yeah, really.
He calls that a classic.
Well, of course it's a classic.
It has a, a rare beauty.
It's a Yeah.
a haunting imagery, an enchanting melody.
Oh, yeah.
Excuse me, and it goes, Paul, something like this.
Isn't it romantic? Music in the night A dream that can be heard Isn't it romantic Moving shadows paint the oldest magic word (Norm and Cliff singing high-pitched): I hear the breezes playing In the trees above You're right, Fras.
It is a lovely song when sung properly.
Boy, that's lovely, isn't it? Yes.
This is great "champlagne.
" Did you hear me? I said "champlagne.
" I meant to say "champlagne.
" (laughing) I said it again! (snickering) I think maybe you've had enough.
No, no, no, no, I want to make a toast.
Please? To "champlagne"! (laughs) No, no, no, I'm kidding.
To my sweet baby, Robin.
We may not have much, but we have each other.
Then you don't have much.
Hit me again, Sam.
Oh, no, I think you've definitely had enough.
Sam, I'm toasting! You no, you're toasted plenty.
Sam, I'm not through toasting.
I want to toast love and I want to toast commitment! And I want to make a toast to my whole (sobbing): stupid, stupid life! Isn't it romantic Merely to be young Shut up and leave me alone! Hey, would you cut me some slack? I've had no formal training! (mellow swing music playing) Hey, there Who? You, with the stars in your eyes (womanly voice): Are you talking to me? Love never made a fool of you Frasier, it's been two days.
I think it's time you stopped.
In the middle of my salute to Adler and Ross? I think not.
Hey, there You on that high-flying It's a dangerous combination: a karaoke machine and an obsessive personality whose parents used to play Broadway cast albums to drown out their lovemaking.
Still can't get a hold of Miss Howe? No.
It's been busy for hours.
Well, she is getting married tomorrow.
She probably had a lot to do.
Maybe find something to wear.
It's not like Si and Effie Kupperman left her a wedding gown.
(chuckles wryly) (imitates cat snarling) She hasn't been here for two whole days.
Do you do you think I ought to go see her, Lilith? I'm going to tell you what I tell all my patients: "What do you think?" They pay you for that? What do you think? Oh, I don't I don't think she wants to talk to me.
Wh-Why, why don't you go over and see how she's doing, Carla.
Yeah, great, I'll do that! And while I'm there, you can take my kids to go see Smurfs on Ice.
All right.
I'll go see her.
Woody, lock up for me, would you, buddy? All right.
Everybody out! Closing up! SAM: Woody! Not now.
Closing time.
Could you be more specific, Sam? I'm not a mind reader.
(knocking) REBECCA: Hold your horsies.
(glass clattering) Here I come.
(banging) Ow! Oh! Oh, well.
You're not the pizza boy but you're cute.
SAM: Ooh! How do you see anything in here? REBECCA: Oh, let me just open those drapes and let in a little light, okay? (exhaling) Why don't I, uh, turn on a lamp here, huh? (switch clicks) (switch clicks) Come on, honey.
(switch clicks) (switch clicks) Click.
(switch clicks) Boy, you're not going to get your security deposit back here.
You drinking again? Certainly not.
I never stopped.
Now I stopped.
Now I'm drinking again.
So You want to talk? Is this about getting married tomorrow? You gettin' cold feet? Certainly not.
I am perfectly prepared to marry Robin and spend the rest of my life with him.
I'm just not particularly looking forward to it.
You know, I don't get that.
You know, all you've done the last two years is talk about getting married to this guy.
Yeah, well, I'll tell you, it is one thing to love somebody who's serving time for you.
It's another thing serving time with them.
Sam, I haven't even begun, you know, to taste life.
I mean, I just discovered this drinking thing.
Sweetheart (chuckles) I can understand the temptation.
I mean, after all, I'm a recovering alcoholic.
I'm just not ready for commitment yet.
Well, doubt's part of any relationship.
I mean, look at me: I-I was divorced.
You know, I drink for a couple of days, and you were an alcoholic.
I have a little bit of trouble with a relationship, and you were divorced.
Do you retain water in the middle of the month, too, Sam? Look, I'm just trying to help you.
I mean, everybody gets cold feet when they're about to get married, but it's a pretty weeny reason to start drinking.
Why did you start drinking? I lost my curveball.
I am not drinking because I have cold feet.
I am drinking because I don't know if I love Robin.
Oh, wow.
Do you think maybe you don't? I don't know.
I just wish I had a little bit more time, you know, to decide.
You don't think there's any chance that that, um, parole board could keep him in prison just a little while longer? Listen, listen, listen.
If you don't love the guy, why don't you just back out of this? Oh, I'm supposed to tell the richest man in the world that I don't want to marry him? No, he's not rich anymore, remember? That's right.
What's his number? Come on.
Come on.
Stop that.
I'm being serious here.
I am being serious, too, Sam.
It's just that I can't stop remembering.
I can't stop remembering that one time in my life it was just so exciting.
Oh, boy.
I know where this is going.
Oh, God, I loved it, Sam.
Honey It was just so thrilling, and it was magical, you know? I know, I know.
And like every single nerve in my body was alive, and I was glowing.
God, it was like the first time in my life I was one with another being.
Once you have that, you just don't forget.
I'll never forget the night we made love.
I'm talking about when I was ten and won first prize in that horse show.
You know, but that sex deal was good with you, too.
I mean, even having sex with you is better than Robin.
Even that, huh? So that's it isn't it? I don't want to marry Robin.
(sniffles) Well, I guess I won't be needing this anymore.
Right now I made my decision.
Robin is history.
(sighs) It feels good.
All right.
Let's celebrate.
No, no, we don't need to do that.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
There is a better way to celebrate, Sam.
Drop your pants.
What? You heard me, buddy.
I want you.
Oh, no.
Sweet sweetheart, we-we can't do this.
Oh, yes, we can, Sam.
The train is pulling into the station.
No, no All aboard.
Whoo, whoo.
I'm sorry, I-I won't do this.
Why? Well, first of all, you've been drinking a little bit and you know, a gentleman has rules.
And second, you're kind of repulsive right now.
You can't take it? I'm gonna go home.
No, Sam, Sam, we have all night.
We've got tonight Who needs tomorrow? Let's make it last, babe Let's fi nd The way.
Sam Malone I want you to get ready for the most exciting night of your life.