Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - I'm Getting My Act Together and Sticking it in Your Face

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Watch this.
Okay What do you got, Wood? Watch closely as I remove my own index finger.
Uh-huh.
It's something I learned from my uncle, only when I do it, it's a trick.
Eh? Uh, not bad but, uh, I think Cliffy's still ahead on points here.
And in what sophomoric activity are you gentlemen involved now? Our first annual tricks with digits exhibition! Of all the pointless wastes of human energy.
Frasier's right.
You could sit here until the end of time doing your silly little finger tricks, but none of you will ever be able to top this.
Wow, she's right.
The king is dead.
Long live the queen! NORM: Yes and she's writing! She's going for bonus points.
CLIFF: What's it say? "My fist is stuck.
Call 911.
" FRASIER: Come on, hon.
You know, this happens to her more often than you'd think.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
How am I supposed to make a drink around here? We're out of gin, vermouth, cherries and lime juice.
We gotta get into that storeroom.
We can't.
Sam said to substitute.
Okay.
Here you go.
What the hell is this? It's clam juice.
I wanted a martini.
I wanted to be Princess Carla of Monaco.
Drink it! Sorry, Mr.
Krapence.
We can't get into the office or the storeroom because Miss Howe locked herself in since she decided not to marry Mr.
Colcord.
She's still in there.
She's still in the gown.
She won't talk to anybody.
Doesn't move.
Doesn't eat.
Gee, that's awful.
I really wanted a martini.
Greetings all! A pint of lager, my good publican! I'm of a Dickensian spirit today.
I've just come from the Antiquarian Book Fair, where I managed to luck into a handsomely bound first edition of Charles Dickens' Tale of Two Cities.
Wow! If you don't mind my asking, how much does something like this cost, Dr.
Crane? Well, uh, Woody, money isn't really the issue, but, uh, around $1,200.
(scoffs, snickers) Got something to show you, Dr.
Crane.
It's called a library card.
Thank you for the advice, Woody.
Now may I have a scotch on the rocks, please? Okeydoke! That'll be around Oh, Frasier, you know, it's a good thing you're here because we gotta think of some way to get that crazy lady out of the office.
It's been two days.
Well, I realize that you're concerned about Rebecca and that you all look to me as the solver of all problems personal, but, in this case, I have to throw up my hands.
I mean, there's a limit to what even I can do.
And we also know how you pout when we don't ask you.
Well fine.
Maybe I'll just go home.
Okay! I've got the tool box here.
I'm gonna get Rebecca out of that office right now.
Rebecca! I've got a screwdriver here! I'm gonna take that doorknob off and I'm gonna open the door here.
Rebecca, I got a Phillips head by mistake, but I'm gonna I'm putting that down and I'm picking up a flathead, and then I'm gonna take that doorknob off.
Rebecca, I don't have a flathead, but I have one of those putty things and I'm gonna put it Damn! Okay, Rebecca, I just punctured my thumb with that, uh putty thing and I'm gonna go get a tetanus shot, then I'm coming back here and taking that doorknob off.
Here's a Band-Aid.
Hey, hey, guys! Rebecca! Hey! Rebecca's out.
REBECCA: No, no.
Don't say Rebecca.
Don't call me Rebecca.
Rebecca doesn't live here anymore.
Rebecca died two days ago.
Oh! So that's what that is.
Whoof! I'm telling you, a woman should never sweat in taffeta.
Have a seat.
Come on.
Thank you.
Wow.
I've never sat here before.
Here I am, sitting on this stool, knowing my life is a mess.
I have no future, and I'm a totally hopeless failure.
Yeah.
Try it with beer nuts.
It is all my fault.
I mean, I got what I deserve.
And now I'm alone.
I I have nothing and I'm just a, you know, worthless, shallow person.
I'm telling you, try it with the beer nuts.
Rebecca I realize you haven't sought my professional advice, but I think it's time to get some perspective, take a look at yourself.
Splash some water on your face and get a fresh start.
I'd like to, Frasier, but I seem to have lost the will to move.
I just want to sit here for the rest of my life.
Geez, maybe it's the stool.
Come on, Miss Howe.
Woody have you ever had your whole life cave in on you all of a sudden? No, but I have had a cave cave in on me all of a sudden.
You know, at the risk of sounding insensitive, I'm I'm glad she's getting out of here.
Her walking around in that wedding dress was just a tad too "Miss Havisham" for me.
Who? Miss Havisham.
Famous character from Charles Dickens' Great Expectations.
Spends the entire novel walking around in her wedding dress.
What?! Yes.
Well, surely you know it.
It's Great Expectations.
Pip? Miss Havisham? Magwich? And, uh and four pizza-loving turtles who practice martial arts in the sewer.
Oh, cowabunga, dudes! CLIFF: You know, there's a lot of people don't realize that that was a comic book first.
I'm gonna go for a drive, Sam.
SAM: Oh, yes, sweetheart.
That's a good idea.
You know, get some fresh air.
Take all the time you want.
Thank you.
Where did she get those clothes? WOODY: Hey, Sam, could you dig some clothes out of lost and found? Here you go.
Woody, come on out here.
Let's take a look.
Hey, Sam, how long did you say these clothes have been in the lost and found? I don't know-- a while, I guess.
Why? (laughing) Is that Woody Boyd? Or is that Keith Partridge?! When is Miss Howe getting back with my real clothes? I can't go out like this.
I mean, I know it was the '70s and all, but who would dress in anything this dumb-looking? Those duds look familiar.
"Property of C.
Clavin.
" Deep inside, didn't we all know that? (laughing) These are your clothes, Mr.
Clavin? Yeah, I guess.
Well, how'd they end up in the lost and found? How did they end up in there? Well, it was the '70s, (chuckles): and I was a swinger.
Uh-oh.
I had some good times in those rags, Woody.
Cliff, we don't want to hear about it, please.
Huh? Oh, it was great.
You know, hey, the disco scene, grooving.
Ixnay, Cliff.
Yeah, it was a great decade, huh? Hot-tubbing every night.
I got rolfed.
WOODY: Oh.
Please stop, Mr.
Clavin.
Oh, now I remember how I lost those clothes.
Oh, don't say it; don't say it.
I was streaking! Oh! I knew it! I knew he was gonna say it! Of course, I was about three pounds lighter then.
FRASIER: Woody I think it was a great sacrifice for you to give your clothes to Rebecca.
It puts me in mind of another novel by my favorite British author.
You know who I mean.
I'll give you a hint.
Charles? In Charge? (laughs) Are you people really this ignorant or do you just do this to torture me? Uh, sometimes the two go hand-in-hand.
All right.
Gather around, everyone.
I am going to right a horrible wrong.
I am going to read to you Dickens' classic, A Tale of Two Cities, and you will see just how much fun great literature can be.
(all groaning) FRASIER: "Book the First.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
" Hey, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Which was it? Just stay tuned, Norm.
"It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness.
It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity.
" Boy, this Dickens guy really liked to keep his butt covered, didn't he? "There was a king with a large jaw, "and a queen with a plain face, "on the throne of England.
"And and" "and there was a bloodthirsty clown, "who beckoned innocent children into the sewer, and swallowed them whole.
" Ah! That's a neat trick.
(phone ringing) Wait-wait-wait a minute, Fras, wait there.
Yeah, Cheers.
What? Hey uh Rebecca! Where are you calling from? I can barely hear you.
What? I thought you were just going for a drive.
I did.
I drove to the airport.
Listen, will you tell Woody that I left his car outside the United terminal.
Or American.
It doesn't really make any difference.
They all tow them to the same place anyway.
Sam, is that Miss Howe? Ask her if she has my wallet.
I need my driver's license.
Actually, you don't have to worry about that right now, Wood.
What are you doing? Where are you going? I'm-I'm going home to San Diego, Sam.
I want to try and forget Boston.
I want to erase the last three years of my life.
It's been five, Rebecca.
Has it been that long? Hey, Sam, does she have my wallet? You still have Woody's wallet, don't you? Yeah, sure, how do you think I'm paying for this call? Hell, how do you think I'm paying for this flight? Yeah, she still has it.
Honey, listen to me.
You can't run away from your problems like this.
Sam, Sam, look, the only reason I called was to say good-bye and thank you for everything.
It's really meant a lot to me.
Bye-bye.
Oh, miss, did you remember your credit card? Oh, yeah, thanks.
I'm gonna need this.
I need to buy a whole new wardrobe when we land.
I'm gonna be good to myself.
As we recall from Monday's installment of A Tale of Two Cities, Sydney Carton was about to go to the guillotine and sacrifice himself.
The guillotine-- slice that neck.
(laughing) "When suddenly, an Apache attack chopper "hovered above the guillotine, pumping hot lead into the crowd.
" Get them Frogs, huh? "As Darnay climbed into the chopper, "sweat streaming from his bloodstained headband, "he could be heard to mutter, "'It is a far, far better thing I do "'than I have ever done.
"'It is a far, far better "'butt-kicking I give than I have ever butt-kicked.
'" All right.
Whoa! What a book, huh? Yeah, that was great, great, Fras.
What, uh, what are you going to read to us next? Well, I was thinking about, uh, David Copperfield.
What's that about? Well, it's about these, uh two coppers, and this field, um and they're found dismembered with their body parts switched.
CARLA: Man! Man, that Dickens is one sick dude.
Have any of you guys heard from Rebecca yet? Normie.
Turn on the game, will you, Sam? No, no, no, come on, let's, uh Let's give her a call here.
I got her parents' number here.
Let's just tell her that, you know, we're thinking about her and that we care.
Ah, hell, it's her parents' machine.
I hate these things.
I never know what to say.
Hi.
This is Sam from Cheers.
Uh, this message is for Rebecca.
Um, hi, Rebecca.
We just wanted to find out if you're okay, and tell you that we all miss you, and I love you, and I hope that Oh, oh, Sam.
Wh-What? You love her? No.
No, I-I didn't say that.
Hold on a second.
No, I didn't say that.
No, no, I said-I said we miss her and we love her.
You said we miss her and you love her.
Yeah, but it was implied that you miss her, too.
Well, shoot.
I-I-I don't want her to get the wrong impression here.
Uh, hi, Rebecca, listen, when I said that I love you, you know I didn't mean love love.
I, uh, you know, I meant more like a friend, you know, a buddy, a pal, uh, like a partner, you know.
Like the two cops in David Copperfield.
Okay, honey? Well, anyway, bye-bye.
Wait, no Wait, hold on.
That was a little cold.
Yeah, you know, listen, she's, uh, she's feeling kind of low.
You can't just kick her when she's down like that.
Yeah.
Sweetheart, when-when I said that I love you, you know, I meant that you're a-a very important part of my life, you know, along with a lot of other people.
It-it's, uh, you know, it's like my-my life is this big jigsaw puzzle, and you are a very important part.
You know, like a corner piece, huh? All right.
Hold on.
Oh I think the guys want to say something here.
Go ahead.
GUYS: Sammy loves you.
Hey, any of you guys tried that new steak house on Commonwealth? No.
It's the greatest.
Beautiful waitresses in tiny little wench outfits.
Yeah? What did you have? Beautiful waitress in a tiny little wench outfit.
I'm going back, too.
Dr.
Crane, when are you going to read us some more Dickens? (chanting): Dickens, Dickens, Dickens.
LILITH: Oh, well.
Frasier, I'm impressed.
It seems your experiment in cultural enrichment has been a success.
Yep.
We're waiting for Oliver Twist: The Wrath of Fagin.
Excuse me? Darling, I've done some things the past few weeks I'm not very proud of.
Just leave it alone.
Shoot, shoot, shoot.
Hey, guys listen to this.
(recorder beeps) Sam, this is Rebecca.
I got your message.
Hearing your voice made me realize what I'm missing in my life, and and I was such a fool not to have seen it before.
My plane lands at midnight tonight, and I'm coming straight to the bar to see you.
So will you please, please wait for me? (beep) (snickering) What am I gonna do? I mean, do you think that she's coming back here because I left that message on her machine? Yeah.
Hey, will you be serious here for a minute? Just once I'd like to have a serious conversation in this damn bar.
Okay.
Fine.
Mm-hmm.
Do you really think that she's rushing back because I said I love you? Mm, yeah.
What do you know.
I'm gonna talk to somebody who knows something around here.
What do you think? You're dead meat on a stick.
No, I'm not dead meat on a stick.
You know, and even if she does think that, I've handled lots of love-crazed babes who want to become Mrs.
Sam Malone.
I got dozens of ways of handling that.
You know, even if they all don't work, I still have Plan Z.
What's, uh, Plan Z there, Sam? Never you mind.
It's pretty drastic, I'll admit, but I'll use it if I have to.
SAM: I-I I don't want the same woman hanging onto me for the rest of my life.
I mean, can you imagine how creepy that would be, Frasier? I'll answer that question another time.
Okay, Leon, you just wait outside there and come running in when you see the lights flash.
Right.
Carla, Sammy will not tell us.
What is this Plan Z? I'll tell you everything I know for 20 bucks each.
All right.
It's called Plan Z.
When Sammy flashes the lights, this guy Leon comes in and executes it.
Okay, well, what what is Plan Z? Beats me.
I didn't know that much two minutes ago.
Give me the money.
I think it was worth it.
Oh, yeah.
Sam, it seems to me you're going through an awful, awful lot of machinations to avoid dealing honestly and directly with Rebecca.
Well, that's me, you know, always thinking.
Besides, you know, I don't think we're gonna have to use Plan Z here.
I mean, what are we talking about? We're talking about Rebecca.
I mean, what's the worst she can do? Sam.
I hope you're ready to change your life, because I am.
Ah Can you excuse me just a second here, hon? Sam, why are you flashing the lights? Oh, you know, it's just kind of to welcome you back.
You know like, three cheers, hey, Rebecca's back.
Rebecca's back.
REBECCA: Sam, get over here, quit being silly.
I have to ask you something really important.
Will you sell me this bar? No.
What? Cheers-- I want to buy Cheers.
Running this place was the only time I ever felt like somebody.
You know, people looked up to me.
Who? You mean you didn't come back here to marry Sam? Marry Sam?! No, why would you think that? You didn't think that, did you? Shoot, no.
That's why you've been doing all this weird stuff.
Because you think I came back here to marry you? What weird stuff? I can't keep living a lie, Sam.
No, no, no, Leon.
Sam is my lover.
Boy, you you really did think I was after you.
REBECCA: I can't believe this.
You are a wussy little fraidy cat.
I'm not a wussy little fraidy cat.
Oh, then this is real? You and Leon are lovers.
Well, why don't you give Leon a kiss then? Because we've been together for 14 years, and we're no longer demonstrative.
You know, the, uh, the spark's gone.
I'm sorry, Leon.
I probably should have said something sooner.
No, no, no, Sam, you can't have it both ways.
You either give Leon a kiss on his lips or you admit that you are a wussy little fraidy cat.
Sammy, don't let her make you look like a wussy little fraidy cat.
I'm not a wussy little fraidy cat.
(Carla meowing) What are we supposed to think? Sorry about that, Leon.
You realize I'm gonna have to slug you in the face now.
I wish you would.
(Cliff and Norm groaning) We, uh, still on for golf on Thursday? Yeah, you bet, Leon.
Great.
Oh, ow That hurt.
Sammy, look at you.
Your nose is bleeding.
Your eye is starting to swell.
And you just kissed a man.
But you're not a wussy little fraidy cat.
NORM: You ain't afraid.
No, not Sammy.
NORM: Good boy.
Good, Sam.
You know, in the space of the last 30 seconds, we have witnessed deceit, sexual turmoil and sudden, senseless violence.
It puts me in mind of a passage from The Pickwick Papers.