Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Crash of the Titans

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Another beer, Sam.
Uh, put it on my tab.
Actually, Paul, we don't run tabs here.
What do you mean you don't run tabs here? Norm Peterson has a tab the size of his pants.
Well, that's, that's Norm.
Well, this is Paul.
Come on, Norm doesn't have much in life, except Cheers.
What about me? I'm unemployed.
I don't like my wife.
You're putting me in a tough spot here.
I'm sorry, Sam, I really want a tab.
Yeah, I want a tab, too.
MAN: Hey, you guys are getting tabs? Hey, everybody, we're all getting tabs.
No, you're not.
Put that back.
Paul, you see what Sam, I'm sitting here until I get a tab.
What are you talking about? Paul doesn't have a tab here? Please.
This is one of our most loyal customers for years.
If anyone deserves a tab in this joint, it's Paul.
All right.
We'll run a tab for Paul.
Hey, thanks, Norm.
Can I have beer, please, Sam, and, uh, why don't we put it on Paul's tab? (theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Carla, it's the first of the month.
Where's my rent check for the poolroom and the bathrooms? Here you are.
Buy yourself a melon in case you misplace your head.
Thank you.
Tell me, Carla, clinically speaking, are you considered a dwarf or a midget? Say, is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble? Somebody phone the authorities in Paris.
A gargoyle has just fallen off Notre Dame and is now taking drink orders.
You know, two heads like that would make a perfectly good butt.
Bullet head.
Hatchet face.
Well, must be off.
Till next month, then.
He's good people.
Hey, Carla.
What's the matter, Eefus? Well, you served table three's drinks to table five.
That's a five? Yeah, can't you read that? CLIFF: Aw, it's not surprising, Woody.
Carla's reaching that age where the lens of the cornea loses its elasticity.
They do say that the eye is the first to go.
(chuckles) Keep it up and your teeth will be the first to go.
That was clearly a three there, Eefus.
Get your orders straight.
Good morning.
Hey, Rebecca, you got to get on the phone with the distributor.
I'm still out of vermouth.
Yeah, yeah, I'll do that this afternoon.
I have to work on my own plans this morning.
Your plans for what? For what I'm going to do when I buy your bar.
(laughing): Oh, those plans, right.
Oh, how can I forget that? You're not taking me seriously, are you, Sam? No, no, I'm not.
No, I'm not.
You, the bar owner.
"Hi, I'm Rebecca Howe.
"Welcome to my bar.
"Gee, you know, we're a little low on vermouth today.
"Maybe I ought to get on the phone and order some "because, after all, this is my bar.
" That is not funny.
Yeah, well, I guess to get it, you'd have to be a bar owner or out of vermouth and I'm both, so order it.
Sam, I am prepared to make you a legitimate offer on this bar.
I can offer you $25,000 cash right now.
How about $15,000 in cash and $10,000 in vermouth?! Sam, I'm serious.
Where are you going to get that kind of money? (scoffing): I have a degree.
I'm a businesswoman.
I just spent the last ten years in a major corporation.
My daddy's giving it to me.
He's just giving it to you? Well, no, we have an agreement.
He agreed to give me the money and I agreed to never again come home and cry so hard that I throw up at the dinner table.
This is a bit of a surprise, isn't it, Rebecca? Why do you want Cheers? I would think for you this bar would only have negative associations connected with it.
Well, think of all the heartbreak you've had here, the forgotten goals, the missed opportunities.
Hey, it's called atmosphere, babe.
I would think for you this place would have the stench of failure.
No, that's Clavin, and F.
, it's not just failure.
You know, actually, Lilith, I had more productive, successful times at Cheers than I've had anyplace else in my life.
Dear God.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was thinking of something else.
Sweetheart, I-I think it's a great idea-- you know, you running a business-- but you got to understand something.
This bar is not for sale at any price, end of story.
Do you really mean that? Because I'm not going to come to you with this offer again.
Well, I'll just have to live with that.
I-I-I'll hold it in my heart and remember all the laughter it brought me.
Oh, and by the way, you know, that vermouth is not going to order itself, there, Sparky.
Sam! (laughs) Come on.
I'm sorry.
You're right, I'm not taking you seriously here.
I got to be supportive.
All right, uh, tell you what.
I will sell you this bar.
You will? Yeah.
What would be a fair price here? We got liquor, glasses, bar stools.
Oh, I don't know, let's say $25 million.
Come on, Sam.
Oh, don't be so negative.
Here, I'll show you how supportive I can be.
All right, let's take a collection here for Rebecca.
I need a tin can.
Oh, yeah, here we go, all right.
Hey, yo, yo, yo.
Whoop-- all right, there you go.
Okay, let's help, uh, Rebecca pay for this bar here.
I'll tell you what, I am going to put in a nickel myself.
Now, can anyone, uh, match that? Anybody? Ooh, not looking good here, babe.
I hope you're having fun.
Actually, I'm not.
You know, fund-raising is really hard work.
I must be doing somethin' right.
A guy just gave me a ten dollar tip on a $30 bar tab.
That's a single.
Oh, man.
Well, I might as well get this over with.
Woody, cover for me.
I shouldn't put this off any longer.
There you go, now you're thinking there, Carla.
Get those eyes checked out properly.
Forget that.
I'm going to run the cheapskate over like a dog.
Well, if your eyes are in such great shape, then how come you took my car keys by mistake? That was no mistake.
You think I want his blood and hair on my fender? Oh, I see a starfish.
CLIFF: I think it's a manta ray.
You showing ink blots again, Dr.
Crane? Uh, no, Woody.
We are engaged in something far more challenging than anything Hermann Rorschach ever dreamed up.
That's right, Wood, we're trying to figure out the five hidden pictures on Melville's kiddie place mat.
SAM: Okay, boys.
Tell you what, let's check, uh, Rebecca's tote board here, ladies and gentlemen.
All right, you can see her goal here of $25 million.
Let's check that against the grand total of-- whoo-- two nickels! All right! Whoo! Uh-oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
That confetti just cost you a nickel.
Promotion's not free, you know.
Your jokes are so childish and moronic.
Well, that's what keeps me young, babe.
(both laughing) MAN: Rebecca.
REBECCA: Oh, Harry, I'm glad you're here.
This is my appraiser, he's going to tell me how much this bar is really worth.
Well, I'll save you some trouble here, Harry.
The bar is worth $25 million.
Well, Rebecca, I need to work up the figures, but everything seems to be in good shape.
Except for that strange floor deformity.
What floor deformity? There seems to be a depression here.
It's almost as if this bar stool is sinking right into the earth.
I wonder what could cause that.
Uh, pardon me, pal.
You're standing between me and my cheese doodles.
You know, uh, I don't think that a ground surface irregularity of this nature is so strange.
I mean, after all, the entire east coast is sinking.
We all know that.
I mean, due to global warming, the polar ice caps are melting and, hey, we're gonna be all underwater anyway.
Yeah, that's why I, uh, like to keep a couple of cans of tuna and an inflatable raft in the trunk of my car.
Wait a second, I ate the tuna a couple of nights ago.
I'd better go out and get some more.
Boy, if that flood comes tonight, I'm really going to kick myself.
Harry do you think you have enough figures to run the appraisal? Well, just one more question.
Is that mailman going to be hanging around here? I don't know.
Well, I'll run the figures both ways.
Honey, you're wasting your money running an appraisal like this.
Remember, you only got one nickel left.
(huffing): Sam, you know what? You never take anything I say seriously.
Take this seriously.
I will have this bar.
You're right, I'm sorry.
From now on, I'm going to take you seriously.
(in low voice): This is me taking Rebecca seriously.
Come on, guys, let's all take Rebecca seriously.
(in low voice): All right, Sam, well, I'm going to be very serious now.
(in low voice): Well, what the heck? This is a very serious bar.
I'd like a very serious beer, please.
(Sam and Norm laughing) No, I'm serious, Sam, I'd like one.
You guys are such Excuse me, Miss.
Is this total right? Yeah.
What was that? Nothing.
There was something across the bridge of your nose.
It was horn-rimmed and a little Coke bottle-ish.
All right, I went to one of those one-hour joints and I got myself a pair of reading glasses.
But if I hear one single comment about Ben Franklin or Granny or "four eyes," I will cut out your tongue and fry it up for lunch.
(muffled laughs) (laughing) (laughing) I don't care.
It's worth a tongue.
Oh darn.
These glasses have a spot on them.
That's better.
(laughing) This is so funny! What are you doing, Sam? Huh? Oh, I'm, uh, faking a letter from the IRS here saying that Rebecca overpaid her return last year.
So the government now owes her $25 million.
Sam Well, it could happen! Come on! Give me a break.
I think your humor is expressing a hidden hostility toward Rebecca.
Or perhaps, deep down, you fear she really is capable of taking this bar from you.
Put a suit on a woman and she thinks she's God.
Frasier, are you going to let him talk to me like this? She's also this way when the suit comes off, Sam.
You should see her rule the roost in her bra and panties.
Well, well well, hey, it's a compliment, baby! (laughing): Oh! Hey, listen to this! "P.
Order some vermouth.
" (hysterically laughing) Sam.
Yeah? I've always known that you felt that my owning the pool room and bathrooms was an unwieldy arrangement.
So I found a solution.
Oh, good.
What? I've agreed to sell them to Rebecca.
I hope you can afford the new rent, Sam, but if you have any trouble maybe you can throw a little telethon.
Tell you what.
(low voice): I'm willing to donate a nickel.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is not gonna happen here.
Listen, if you want to sell these rooms to somebody, sell them to me.
I mean, whatever she offered you, I'll pay more.
Oh, really? Why? Wait a minute.
What-What did she offer you? I offered him the $25,000 my father gave me.
Sam, do you have a father? Hold it.
Excuse me.
Wait a minute.
You accepted my deal.
You said, "Yes.
" "Yes" can mean so many things.
You see, you see what she's trying to do here, don't you, John? I mean, if she gets a hold of those bathrooms and the pool room, she, she'll take the whole bar from me and she's gonna ruin me.
Oh, I'm all a tingle.
All right.
All right.
Uh, how much did she offer you? $25,000.
All right.
All right.
Uh, $25,000 and one dollar.
No, no, $20.
$25,000 and $20.
Let's see you beat that.
I thought, I thought we were going up in $20.
It seems we have two interested parties here.
Perhaps I should give it to the one who wants it the most.
The party who's willing to go that extra mile.
Oh, dear, I notice my shoelace is untied.
Oh, give me a break! You expect one of us to get down on our hands and knees and tie your shoelace so you can give them the rooms? Oh, well to hell with you, Mister.
You know, nothing's worth that.
Oh, Christmas is coming early this year.
Ah, Woody, if you see Hill, give him his keys, tell him I'm finished, all right? Oh, Sammy, you didn't wash his car, did you? Hey, what do you take me for? I detailed every inch of it.
Hey, Carla, I heard the guys were kidding you about your glasses.
But I want you to know, I think it makes you look a lot more intellectual.
Thanks, Woody.
In fact, they they kind of make you look like Einstein.
Thanks a lot.
Yeah, if you could just get your hair to do what his does.
Well, actually, it almost does.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why me? I have to work with him.
Oh, boy, Miss Howe! When I see a woman in a hot little black dress like that, all I can think of is "zowie," and "who died?" Oh, Sam! I want to thank you for washing John's car because after he cooks dinner for me tonight, he might want me to go dancing and I want us to look good.
Oh, that's great.
I-I send him flowers and he takes you dancing.
You know, also, you can wax John's car and you can do his menial tasks, but I have something you don't have.
See you later or in the morning.
What does she mean by that, she has something you don't have? She's got nice hair, you got nice hair.
She's got nice eyes, you got nice eyes.
She's got Uh-oh, Sam.
You're in big trouble.
That was a very nice meal, Mr.
Thank you.
I only wish that I could have cooked it for you.
Oh, well, I didn't want to disturb you while you were doing the windows.
Why don't we just sit here a while and enjoy a little wine, before you do the dishes.
Mmm, you know, John I really deserve that property downstairs more than Sam does.
Well, deserving something and earning it are two different things.
Well, you know, John, if you did sell me the property, I would be a very friendly neighbor.
And I'm sure we could come to some mutual agreement.
You do know what I mean, don't you? (glassed and dishes shattering) Oh, I'll clean that up later.
Don't worry about that, we have a real estate purchase to consider.
In fact, why don't we go into the next room.
We can get under the sheets and haggle.
Right now? I'm ready.
Oh, gee, John.
I think that stain is gonna set in here.
I'm willing to throw caution to the wind and say I'll risk my carpet.
We really need to put something on it.
Very well.
How about us? Eww Oh.
I mean, as enchanting as that offer is, John, I-I really think club soda would be more effective.
Oh, you're into club soda, are you? No, not really, I just (softly): What can that possibly mean? Come to Papa, Peaches.
Oh, no, no, don't, wait, hold it.
You know, there's a joint right around the corner and they sell these carpet cleaning machines.
This hot water shoots right into the bristles and it really cleans it up fast! Sounds like fun.
No, I really better be going.
You're fast.
And agile.
(knocking at door) Yes! Come in! Oh! Oh! Rebecca.
Sam, I'm really glad to see you.
I'm just glad I got here in time.
I mean, you see what he's driving you to, don't you? You're throwing yourself at a man just to gain material things.
You know what that makes you, don't you? Ahead in the race to get a pool room and two bathrooms.
Come on, Rebecca.
Yeah, you just stay out of this will you, John? Honey, go downstairs, wipe that makeup off, will you? I tell you what, why don't you put on a nice dress or something, maybe call your Mom.
Bet it's been a while, hasn't it? Yeah, yes, Sam, it has.
Yeah, yeah.
Actually it's been a while for me, too, Sam.
Thanks for spoiling what was going to be a lovely evening.
That certainly endears you to me.
I just have two words for you, John.
What's that? Twins.
Come on in, girls.
Here's Johnny! How do you like these, Johnny boy? Go ahead and touch 'em.
They're real.
Oh, I just forgot my Wha Who are they? Uh this is not what you think.
Gee, we never met a big Hollywood producer before.
All right, it's, it's what you think.
Sam, Sam, look at us.
I know, I know.
Do you know what he's doing here? Yeah.
He's playing us against each other.
You're right.
This is disgusting.
You can't make us act like this.
You know something? You can keep those stupid old rooms.
All bets are off.
Come on, let's go.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
So did Sam explain the part you'll be reading for? Oh, Sam.
I can't believe you could sink this low.
You should have seen me in my prime.
JOHN: Sam.
Oh, get out of here, will you, Hill? We don't want your type around here anymore.
You're bad news.
Bad news.
I just came down to thank you for introducing me to Hope and Joy, Sam.
It's very hard to make friends in a new town.
The least I can do is sell you the pool room and the bathrooms.
As I recall, the last offer was, uh, $30,000.
Yeah, but, but I don't have $30,000.
How much do you have? $5,000.
I'm sorry, Sam.
It's simply out of the question.
Yeah, but wait a minute, I-I detailed your car.
Wait, wait a minute, Sam.
You do have $30,000.
Oh, wow.
Rebecca, you'd do this for me? I'd do this for us.
A business partnership, Sam.
We should have thought of it in the first place.
Oh, yeah.
Wh yeah, why didn't we? Because you were so busy making those stupid telethon jokes.
Yeah, I'm gonna miss those.
All right, listen.
Here's her check and here's mine.
That makes $30,000.
Well, thank you very much.
Enjoy your pool room.
Oh, and you should rest well in the knowledge that this $30,000 will pay nicely for that screen test.
Good news, girls! We're going to Hollywood! BOTH: Eww!