Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Cheers Has Chili

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
What are you doing, Cliff? What? Well, I'm, uh, leaving a tip there for Carla.
Yeah? Yeah, one of the oldest bar tricks in the book there, Normie.
Look, you see I filled the glass with water.
I'm gonna invert it on top of this dollar bill.
Put it on the bar, right? Looks Looks, uh, empty now, doesn't it? Mm-hmm.
Well, watch what happens when she comes to get her tip.
Fasten your seat belts and wait for the fun to begin.
Thanks for the tip, Cliff.
Uh, joke's still on her.
She's the one that's got to mop up all this mess.
(laughs) Thank you, Carla.
Your apology's accepted.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Wood.
Hi, Wood.
Mom finally sent out Grandma Meg's pressure cooker, so last night I whipped up a batch of chili.
Do you want to try some? Yeah.
It's from an old family recipe.
Oh, your grandma's? Nah, this old family that lived down the road.
Mmm! Woody, this is excellent! Mmm! Mmm! Normie, what do you think? (belches) He likes it! Normie likes it! Woody, I'm sorry.
It seems we've eaten all your chili.
I still got plenty left in the thermos.
I didn't have breakfast today, all right? (door opening) Quick, Normie, turn on the Weather Channel.
You know, I wonder if that sentence has ever been spoken before.
(female voice on TV) Oh, yeah, there she is.
Who? Weathergirl Dorothy, my favorite.
Isn't she dreamy? Cliff, everybody looks sort of dreamy when they have giant clouds floating behind them.
No, no.
Listen, listen.
She's got the cutest little lateral lisp.
Oh, I always get a giggle when she tries to pronounce (lisping): stratocumulus.
So you, uh you watch this a lot, do you? Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.
You get, uh, kind of a fatherly feeling about these, uh, weather anchors after a while.
Yeah, well, besides, it's on all night.
You're a very lonely man, aren't you, Cliff? Not as long as I got my Weather Channel.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Sammy's back! (all shouting greetings) Hey, how was your weekend up in the mountains with Natalie? It was so great.
Nothin' like shushing down those fine white slopes.
NORM: Yeah.
Oh, you went skiing, huh? No, no, no.
You're a dog! Oh! Goodie.
Sam, you're back.
Hey, that's what Natalie said.
No, actually, actually, she said, "Oh, goodie, Sam, your front.
" (laughter) I have a very, very special surprise for you, so just close your eyes and come with me.
This is deja vu of the whole weekend.
FRASIER: Oh! Okay, you can open your eyes.
(chuckling): Okay.
Well? I can't tell you how much better Natalie's surprise was.
What, you don't like it? Well, it It's-It's just Boy.
I mean, it's-it's really Boy.
No, that's that's not That's not the right word.
It's not boy at all.
It's, um It's It's a tearoom.
Thanks for not making me guess.
Well, so what-what do you think? Well, you want my, uh, honest first impression? My gut reaction? Yes, I do.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it! Now how could you do this without asking me first? Without asking you first? Wait a minute! I happen to have paid $25,000 to John Hill to get this poolroom back.
If it hadn't been for me, you wouldn't even have this poolroom! I don't have a poolroom.
I have a tearoom.
Ish! Oh, oh, oh.
Look what you made me do.
You made me say "ish.
" (scoffs) What's that on the floor? It's a throw rug.
Oh, hey.
Look at that.
It works.
This wouldn't happen to be a throw table, would it? No.
Sam, wait! You know, if you're gonna take my money, I think my ideas deserve a little bit more respect.
All right.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Uh, this just came as a little bit of a shock to me, that's all.
Tell you what, why don't I, uh, just, uh, go outside here and come back in and start fresh? That would be good, Sam.
Thank you.
I hate it.
Hate it.
I hate it! Ish! I'm putting that room back the way it was! As soon as I find my pool table.
CLIFF: Three ball, corner pocket.
Thanks, Sam.
A little too much English on that.
REBECCA: Sam, please, now I know I know I sprung this on you, but please give it a chance.
I think it could work.
My marketing survey showed that this neighborhood was in need of something like this.
People want to go to a place where they can just relax.
You know, a nice, quiet, pretty little place where they can just sit and talk.
(belches) Good one.
Honey, you're crazy.
I-I have people coming in here just to shoot stick.
I mean, I bet that poolroom makes me an extra hundred bucks a night.
Yeah, well, I bet with my tearoom, I could make 500 bucks tonight.
in one night? Yes.
What else are you selling back there? Sam, it's my grand opening.
I've been promoting all over town.
You make 500 bucks in one night, and-and that tearoom is yours.
It's a bet.
Okay, it's a bet.
(chuckles) But I want you to know there's no losers here because I'm gonna share half the profit with you.
Oh ho! Ooh! Half the profits of a tearoom! Oh! Oh, boy, why didn't you say so before? Let's figure this out here.
All right, let's see.
We'll, uh, start with your profits.
That'd be ooh! Wait, wait, wait.
Now I get half of this.
(muttering): Let me.
Hmm Ooh, another ooh! Fellas, fellas, look.
I get a great big zero, and I don't have to lift a finger! Oh, thank you, thank you.
I can retire! Ooh! God, he's a butthead.
DOROTHY: Now, let's take a look at the regional map.
(lisping): The southern sectors will experience scattered clouds over the Mississippi Basin.
(chuckles) Don't you just love how she says (lisping): "Mississippi Basin"? It just melts your heart, doesn't it, huh? Mm-hmm.
You know, I, uh, sent a fan letter to my Dorothy.
Hmm? Yeah, I wonder if she'll ever even read it.
I mean, they must get so many.
You know, I don't think so, Cliff.
I don't think that many people watch the Weather Channel.
Seriously, I don't think that many people know there is a Weather Channel.
Boy, Norm, are you out of touch! Hey, Fras, Lilith.
Get you a drink? No, Sam, we are not here for libation this day.
We are here for the grand opening of Rebecca's tearoom.
Oh, yeah? Yeah? What, you gonna go back there and, uh, make fun of her? No, we're-we're going to go have some tea.
Oh, yeah, yeah, then you're, what? You're gonna spit it on the floor and laugh at her? We're just going to order it and drink it down.
Well, what's funny about that? We're not trying to be funny.
We're just here for some tea.
Is that so hard to believe? Yeah, seein' how she's been open all day, and you're the first customers.
(chuckles) Oh, well, maybe the word hasn't gotten out yet.
Although, she did send us this lovely invitation hand-calligraphed on a lace doily.
Didn't anyone else get one of these? Very funny.
Could have put someone's eye out, you know.
Let's go, Frasier.
Wait, wait, wait, Fras.
You're not really gonna go in there and drink tea, are ya? Come on out here and sit at the bar, you know, with the guys.
Have a beer.
Well, I guess I-I could.
(clears throat) No.
I mean, you're-you're tellin' us you're just gonna go back there and sit with your wife and sip tea, huh? Yup, that's me.
Whipped and proud of it.
Thank you.
Here you are.
Please allow me.
All right, there.
Now you'll notice on the menu that we have a a wide selection of sandwiches and delectables, and, uh, many, many varieties of tea.
So, what can I get you? Just some tea, please.
That's it? Just tea? Well, perhaps I could tempt you with some tiny little sandwiches or fresh biscuits? Scones? We're both watching our diets, so two pots of Orange Pekoe would be lovely.
FRASIER: Hon, maybe we should split a pot.
Well Per-Perhaps one of my slightly more expensive herbal teas? Uh, no, thank you.
You guys cannot just have tea.
Tea is a loss leader.
I lose money just boiling the water.
And, Lilith, look.
(blows through lips) You are hardly fat.
You are borderline anorexic.
Just pig out! Order some strawberry tarts.
Strawberries make me break out.
Well, at least that will put a little color in your face.
Perhaps we won't have anything at all.
Fine! I don't really care.
Get out! Thanks for coming.
Tell all your friends.
Frasier, Lilith, oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm just desperate.
I don't understand why nobody wants to come back into my beautiful tearoom.
Well, Rebecca, a restaurant should be like a mistress.
You see, one shouldn't feel that she's overeager to please.
It's far more enticing if you need her more than she needs you.
Who is this "she" you're talking about, Frasier? Purely hypothetical.
Well, it's a little strange for a happily married man to go prattling on about a mistress.
Oh, come on, hon, give me this one.
You already heard me admit I was whipped in front of the boys.
That was good.
You were right, Sam.
Nobody's gonna come in here and have high tea and crumpets.
Oh, don't give up hope.
(Cockney accent): Maybe a carriage will break down in front of the pub and everyone'll come in for a cup of tea.
Have a cup of tea, please.
Have a cup of tea.
God, I hate you! Okay, guys.
Just made up a fresh new batch of chili.
(cheering) Now all I ask is you please leave me some this time.
You guys really like that chili, don't you? Mmm.
Well, do you think that if I sold that kind of chili in my tearoom that, uh, I could make $500 a night? Easy.
But, uh, why would anyone want to go back there? We got a free pot of chili right here.
Good point.
Chili in the tearoom! Chili in the tearoom! Sammy, kiss that poolroom good-bye, pal.
Sam, she's sellin' an awful lotta chili in there.
She must be gettin' pretty close to that $500 mark.
Oh, come on.
So she's sellin' a couple of bowls.
I mean, how much chili can a guy eat? Boy, I can't eat another mouthful.
Uh-huh, see what I mean? Thank goodness they sell these gallon buckets for take-out.
Oh, man, I'm gonna lose my poolroom.
I've gotta think of some way to stop her.
I agree with you, Sammy.
Go for the jugular.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Whatta ya mean, like sabotage her? No, go for her jugular.
I mean, you can't sell chili when her throat's all ripped out.
Well, she could, but who'd wanna buy it? No, I got it, I got it.
Let's call the fire marshal on her, huh? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, that'd be below the belt.
I can't do that.
Sam, can I talk to you a minute? You know, I just realized that the closer I'm getting to my goal, the more all I'm thinking about is winning, and that's not right.
I mean, I wasn't even considering your feelings.
You've had that poolroom for many, many years and, well, I guess what I'm trying to say is (singsongy): Ha-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha! I'm gonna win your poolroom! Call the fire marshal! Glad that dinner rush is over.
Give me time to put up a new pot before the after-theatre crowd gets here.
Sam, I'm takin' a break.
Me, too, Sammy.
I'm down to the last notch on my belt.
Yeah, I had to make a new one with a nail.
Hey, Cliff, you got somethin' in the mail.
Huh? That reminds me.
Did I ever take you out back and kick the hell out of you for that postal increase? Uh-huh.
Just goin' over my checklist.
Well, look at this! It's a reply from my Weathergirl Dorothy.
Oh, look at that, the sweetheart.
She sent a little photo of herself.
No, no, no, Cliffie, I believe that's a satellite photo of the entire Eastern Seaboard.
Oh, yeah, but she's in there.
I mean, I'm in there.
We're all in there.
The letter says, "Dear Cliff, "Thank you so much for your sweet letter.
"You did not mention what grade you're in, "but from the handwriting I guess "that you're a big boy of 11 or 12.
"Maybe when you grow up, "you can be a weatherperson, too.
Yours truly, Dorothy Borsik.
" CARLA (whispers): Sammy, the fire marshal.
Sam, we got a tip that Cheers is operating a kitchen without a permit.
Anything to that? Oh, gosh no.
I don't think anything that would concern you, you know, just a couple of exposed propane tanks, unventilated hot plate.
I mean, but that oh, now wait a second.
Gee, that's a, that's a potential fire hazard.
And you, you're a fire marshal.
What was I thinking? I think I'll just take a look-see.
Maybe I shouldn't have called the fire department.
Maybe that was wrong.
Don't chicken out now, Sam.
No, no, no, maybe I shoulda put a mouse in the chili and called the health department.
That would have been funnier.
(laughing) Sam, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Do you realize everything that Rebecca has attempted in her life has resulted in failure? Yeah.
This is her first success, and you're trying to take it away from her.
That's my poolroom! But it's her life.
But it's my poolroom.
Come on, you guys, understand that, don't ya? Yeah, Sam, we understand.
We understand you made a fair bet, you saw that you were gonna lose, and you started cheatin'.
Well, I-I-I didn't want to be a bad sport.
I just wanted to do anything I had to to win.
But that's no reason for you to be a cheater.
But you were the one who told me to cheat! No, I said to kill her.
Cheating's wrong.
I'm, I'm sorry.
What, do you all hate me now? Is that? Well, kinda, yeah.
I'm afraid that's some list, Miss Howe.
NORM: Great, now he's writin' her up a citation.
So it's beans, tomato paste, onions, peppers and ground beef.
No, that's ground chuck.
Oh, ground chuck.
Serves eight? Uh-huh.
What're you gonna do, share with the other guys at the firehouse? Why should I? What have they ever done for me? Sam, why do you suppose the fire marshal would come by my chili room tonight, of all nights? Kismet? No, because you tipped him off.
Sam, you could've gotten me shut down.
Thank God that dear man loves his chili.
I'm sorry.
I got carried away.
Yes, you did.
Listen, I, I gotta make this up to you.
How, how, how, how close are you to getting that $500? About $20.
I'll tell you what.
Let me, let me, uh, buy a bowl of chili for $20.
No, Sam, you don't need to do that.
No, listen, I wanna prove to you that I'm not a poor loser.
Come on, give me my bowl of chili here.
Thank you, Sam, this is nice of you.
Go ahead, just put on Woody's hat and get the chili yourself because I want to get my camera and get a picture of you pouring that bowl of chili that put me over the top.
Oh, you got to warm it up, Sam.
You know how to turn on the flame? It's kind of tricky.
Yeah, I'll figure it out.
(loud explosion) Yep, that's how I figured it out, too.
It was a accident.
Sammy, are you okay? You ever had a pot of chili fly by your face at the speed of light? No.
Look at the hole in that wall.
Who could miss it, huh? No, I'm talking about the brick wall across the alley.
Man, that pressure cooker really wanted out of here.
Okay, everybody out of here, out.
Come on, everybody, out! Go back to the bar, please.
Not you.
I want to talk to you.
Don't you think maybe I should go to a trauma center first? S-Some of this could be me.
Oh, come on, I know what you're thinking here, but I-I didn't do this on purpose.
I swear to God I didn't do it on purpose.
You did it just because I started doing really well back here and you're jealous.
Y-You're just a big baby.
I am not.
Yes, you are.
You want everything for you and nothing for me.
Well, yeah, if that's being a big baby, okay, but but I'm a, I'm a guy.
I'm supposed to be a big baby.
And you're a woman.
You know, you're supposed to be like a nice mommy and tell me everything's okay and, and pat me on the head.
I would like to pat you on the head with a pickax.
Oh, I, I know how you feel.
I mean, I'm sorry.
This is crazy, I I feel so sorry.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do, I really do.
I just feel terrible.
I feel like I could cry.
Okay what? Cry.
What do you mean? I mean, make water come out of your eyes.
And that way I will know that you are really sorry for what you've done here.
Just cry? Yep.
Does it count if, you know, if you really want to cry, but you can't? No.
Cry, Sam.
(mock sobbing) No onions.
I want real tears.
Now, just cry.
Give me a break.
What am I supposed to--? I mean, isn't this enough? A guy, a guy who can't cry? I mean, that is heartbreaking.
Honey, there's nothing sadder than a man who can't cry.
No, Sam.
It is not enough.
Wait, maybe I can help you out here.
(glass breaking) (footsteps approaching) There.
Now we can go.
Come on.
What was that sound? Oh, that was the sound of me breaking all the windows out of your Corvette.
(Sam sobbing) REBECCA: There, now there are those tears.