Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Home Malone

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh, Woody.
Our baby-sitter just canceled.
Could you sit with Frederick tonight? Okay.
Oh, great, Woody.
Yeah, I'm used to it.
I used to baby-sit a lot back in Hanover well, before the incident.
You know I think Lilith's mother owes us a favor.
Thanks anyway, Woody.
Oh, good, Woody, come here for a minute.
Listen, I'm gonna go out of town for the weekend and I want you to feed my cat.
Now I know it's an imposition, but, you know.
Well, you're really good with animals, aren't you? Well, yeah.
I mean, I had lots of pets back in Hanover before the incident.
Yeah, Woody, on second thought, I'm gonna ask my next-door neighbor, but thanks anyway.
Hey, Woody, that's a really clever trick.
You get out of doing anything with that.
Just wish I'd thought of it before the incident.
(theme song begins) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
We realize it's short notice, but this dinner tonight is something we simply cannot miss.
We're desperate to get a sitter.
I would really like to help you guys out, but children make me nervous.
I'm afraid I'm gonna drop them.
Oh, Rebecca holding a baby is the simplest thing in the world.
(glass breaks) I'm sorry.
What did you say? Thanks anyway.
Kelly, how was class? (sighs heavily): I'd rather not talk about it.
I'm sorry, Woody.
I didn't mean to jump down your throat like that.
Well, uh what's wrong? Well, my final project for sociology is an in-depth study of a past work experience.
And I've never had a job.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Well, let me get this straight-- you can't do your little school project because you're stinkin' rich and you never had to work a day in your life? Yeah.
And I used to complain because I had no shoes.
I feel so out of place in my sociology class.
Do you know what it's like to sit in school all day and not contribute anything? Well, it's been a long time, but that sounds familiar.
I don't even know how to get a job.
Kelly, come over here, here.
Want ads.
Okay? Plenty of jobs in there.
If you can't find anything there, call an employment agency.
Plenty of places to get a job.
Hey, you know, Norm, for a guy who's unemployed, you certainly know a lot about getting work.
Well, Cliff, I know a lot about water, too, but you don't see me drinking it.
Uh, Ms.
Howe, do you think Kelly could work here for a while? I know she doesn't have any experience I don't think so, Woody.
Oh, well, I just thought I'd ask.
It's no big deal.
Look, Woody.
It says here I can make $10,000 a week being an escort.
Okay, Ms.
Howe, now it's a big deal.
Please, please, let her work here.
You can always use an extra hand and you don't have to pay her.
Yeah, it's just for the experience.
All right, Woody, all right.
As a favor to you.
But this is a real business.
This is not a training ground.
We need people to work here who really know what they're doing.
(glass breaks) Tell her to wear shoes.
Thanks, Ms.
Hey, Kelly, guess what? Ms.
Howe said you can work here.
Really? Oh, that's great.
Oh, thanks, Ms.
Oh, welcome aboard, Kelly.
I can't believe I have a real job.
You know what to do with this.
Wow, I sure do.
Do you guys have lobster for lunch every day? Well, does that mean you're canceling tonight? All right, all right.
Well, maybe some other time.
Boy, women'll break a date with you at the drop of a hat.
Like her grandmother won't still be dead tomorrow.
Sam, am I to understand that you suddenly have the night free? Yeah, you got anything for me? Perhaps.
Quite cute.
Oh, yeah? Cute's nice.
And young.
Oh, I like young.
Give me more details.
Well, about 32 inches.
I usually I like them a little bustier than that.
I'm just trying to find out if you would like to sit for Frederick tonight.
Oh, yeah.
I'd love to do that.
Really? I love that little guy.
Why not? Done deal.
All right.
Frasier, can I speak with you? I don't know how comfortable I feel with this setup.
He's just a baby.
He needs supervision.
Well, Sam can take care of it.
I'm talking about Sam.
You know how out of control he can get at times, what a mess he can make of everything.
Well, Sam can clean it up.
Oh, you're talking about Sam.
I'm talking about Sam.
Darling, it'll just be for a few hours.
All right.
But if anything goes wrong, he could be scarred for life.
You mean Sam, right? Yes, and it is a threat.
Sam, can you be at our place in about an hour? You bet.
Where are you guys going tonight? Oh, well, I'm proud to tell you that my lovely wife is being honored tonight by the scientific community for her contributions to the study of sensory deprivation.
It was serendipitous, I admit.
I'd returned to the lab after a two-week holiday to find that I'd locked my lab assistant in the isolation tank.
Suffice it to say, what could have been an ugly lawsuit turned into an award-winning paper.
Say, Carla, I'm, uh, baby-sitting tonight.
You got any advice for me? Sure.
Here's everything you need to know about babies.
Remember, you're the boss.
Don't let him give you any lip.
And if they start to act crabby, stick a bottle in their mouths.
Okay, great.
Okay, I'm ready.
Here's everything you need to know about customers.
Remember, you're the boss.
Don't let 'em give you any lip.
And if they start to act crabby, just stick a bottle in their mouths.
Hey, Miss.
I ordered a beer.
And he passes to Frederick.
Frederick takes the ball and goes for a jam.
Yes! Yes! He's a freshman out of the learning center.
Yes! Oh, a rookie.
Wonderful shot.
Here we go.
Take another one.
He goes for the jam.
He goes.
He runs.
The Garden is going cra.
It's Great shot.
Great shot.
Okay, Malone, top of the key Do you want to watch a little TV? (pants slightly): You know something? That's a good idea.
Uncle Sam is a little tired here.
Whoo! Good idea, good idea.
I don't know how to do this one.
Do you know how to I have a different one at home there.
(TV clicks on) Oh, far out.
That's great.
Oh, great, this is The Flintstones.
This is the one where Barney gets stuck in the mailbox.
I actually haven't seen this one all the way to the end.
Freddie? Hey, Fred, whatcha doing in there? Peek-a-boo! (doorknob rattles) Freddie? Uh-oh.
Uh oh, boy.
Hey, listen to me now.
Listen to Uncle Sammy.
Unlock the door, Freddie.
T Freddie, turn the knob.
You see the knob? See that little knob? Turn the knob, Freddie.
(toilet flushes) No, wrong knob, Fred.
Um, okay, all right.
I'll get you out of there.
Got to be a key around here.
(giggles) Oh, I know what I'm gonna do, Fred.
We'll do the old credit card jimmying the lock open here.
I don't have a credit card.
I know, here, here, I'll use a $20.
This is gonna work.
This is gonna work.
Yeah, here we go, Freddie.
This is gonna work.
No, Freddie hey give me my $20 back.
(toilet flushes) Fred, no.
Don't fl oh shoot.
You little I'm in trouble here.
Okay, don't worry.
Uncle Sammy's gonna get you out of there, Freddie.
Yeah, I'll just come around the window here.
We're way high, aren't we? Okay.
No big deal.
Here we go.
Here comes Uncle Sammy.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Your mommy and daddy told me about that, didn't they? Okay.
Hey, Freddie.
Whoo! (groans) Damn, damn, damn! You didn't hear that, Freddie.
You didn't hear that.
(groans): Oh! Damn it! You heard that one, didn't you? Hey, Freddie Uncle Sammy doesn't know what to do here.
Can you open this window? Do you know the word "open"? Yeah, yeah, open.
Can you open the window? D-do you know the word "open"? Good boy.
Carla, I just waited on a man at table 5 and he left too much money on the table.
Should we go find him? No, uh, you see, this is what we call a tip.
It's a little monetary gift for the head waitress.
Here you go.
Boy, do I feel dumb.
Oh, no, you're just new.
Kelly, can I have a beer, please? Okay, let me go get Woody.
Oh, no, you don't need Woody.
Come here.
I'm gonna show you how it's done.
Take a glass, stick it underneath this black lever here, okay? Voilá, you have a beer.
Now there's a, uh, black book underneath the cash register.
It says "Norm's tab" on it.
You mean this one here with all these little marks? Right.
Now, Kelly, each one of these little marks represents a beer that I've purchased in advance.
Every time I order one, you have to take this eraser and, uh, erase one of those little marks.
Don't forget to erase now.
I don't want any free beers! Okay, Mr.
Thank you.
Unbelievable! I'm in the presence of sheer genius.
Thank you, Cliffy.
Kelly, can I have another beer for my dear friend Clifford Clavin? And what the heck, take it off my tab.
Hey, Freddie! (knocking on window) Freddie, Uncle Sammy needs some help here, bud.
Hey, Fred, do you know about rain? Because that's what's happening out here, Freddie.
You know Itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout (thunder rumbling) Okay, Fred.
Look, back away from the window there, Fred.
Uncle Sammy's gonna break the window and every little bone in his hand.
Oh! Okay, Fred.
Tell you what I'm gonna do here.
I'm gonna jump over to that tree and climb on down.
I'll be back in just, before you can Oh! Oh! (crashing) Bye.
Carla, I need to ask you some questions for my paper, since you're my co-worker.
How do you feel that the work experience has enriched your life? It's given me varicose veins, stomach acid, lower back pain and a complete hatred for all mankind.
That's great.
And what would you say are the negative aspects? Just do the dishes.
I hate that one, too.
We have an Australian couple that do it at home.
Oh By the way, here's another one of those tip things.
Why, thank you very much, Kelly.
Boy, she is really dumber than cotton.
Hey, Carla.
Hey, Cotton.
Who's ready, huh? You thirsty? Come on.
Norm, come on.
Let us buy a round.
I insist.
Kelly, another round for my friends here, okay? Okay, Mr.
Peterson, but my hands are getting sore from all that erasing.
Now, now, Kelly, you wanted a real job.
You can't go through life getting everything handed to you for free.
Let's get some beer over here.
How about you fellows? You ready? Oh, we've really got to get back to the site, Norm.
Come on.
You're only working on the second floor.
Yeah! A round for these guys.
Hey-hey-hey, isn't that that Henri? Oh, yeah, it's Pepe LePew himself.
Yeah, he's got a lot of guts showing his sleazy Gallic mug around this place.
If I was, uh, Woody, I'd have popped that guy a long time ago, you know? Hello, fellows! ALL: Hey, Henri! What do you say? Buy you a beer? And he's such a phony, you know? Uh, Woody, loan me ten dollars until payday.
When's payday? How do I know? You're the one who's working.
Kelly! What are you doing with those drinks? Hello, Henri.
I'm working here for a while.
Isn't that exciting? Yes, you are! Serve me a drink so that I may pinch your bottom as you leave.
Henri, I wish you'd stop saying things like that.
Well, Woody, but I am the customer, and the customer is always right.
Got me on a technicality.
You know, if this Kelly thing works out, I might finally be able to take my vacation.
The last one I had was three years ago when I went to Graceland for a weekend.
But now I got six weeks saved up.
I'm gonna take me a real vacation.
Where are you gonna go? Graceland.
Woody, may I have a soda, please? Stealing your girlfriend is thirsty work.
All right, Henri, I don't know how things are in France, but in America, guys don't like other guys saying they're gonna steal their girlfriend.
It's not polite.
Oh! I'm, I'm so sorry.
I, I see your point.
Uh, as we say in France Je vais te piquer ta copine.
What does that mean? I'm going to steal your girlfriend.
Wait a minute.
You take that back.
Oh! I-I What are you doing?! What are you doing?! Oh, hey, Freddie! I'm back.
I must have blacked out there for a while.
Whoo! Uncle Sammy sure is lucky the glass recycling bin broke his fall.
I'll tell you.
Somebody sure drinks a lot of wine in this building.
Uh! You look all tuckered out there.
What do you say we watch a little, a little television here, huh? Oh, shoot! Flintstones are over.
Fred? Freddie? Oh, no, man! Don't lock shoot! Come on, Freddie! It was funny once! All right.
Okay, Freddie, here I come.
Oh, no, no-no-no.
There we go.
Okay, Freddie, here I come.
Freddie! Freddie, what are you doing to Uncle Sammy? Come on.
Bring the dog back, Freddie.
Woody, can I talk to you for minute, please? Sure, Ms.
Woody, I don't think things are working out with Kelly.
Oh, well, that's my fault.
I'm afraid of commitment.
Woody, I mean here at the bar.
I mean, she's a big distraction to you; your work is suffering; and, and this bar fight is just the last straw.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let her go.
Well, I guess that was a tough decision for you to make, Ms.
Yeah, well, sometimes managers have to learn how to give bad news to employees.
So go fire your girlfriend, Woody.
Hey, I'm getting better at that.
I think I'll go get a facial.
I earned it.
Whoa, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Is it true? Are you firing Kelly? Because I want you to know that she is the best thing that's ever happened to this bar! Since when did you ever care what happened to Kelly? Wait.
Whoa, wait, whoa! Something's happening to Kelly? She's not leaving, is she? Yes, as a matter of fact, she is.
I guess you're both going to have to learn to live with it.
She's here one day and everybody loves her.
I'm here five years and nobody gives a damn! By the way, Norm.
why'd you want her to stay? None of your business.
Why'd you want her to stay? None of your business.
What did you want to talk about, Woody? Well, Kelly, you don't really like this place all that much, do you? Oh, sure I do.
I love this place.
It's keen.
Oh, boy.
Kelly, Cheers is not such a great place.
Well, what do you mean, Woody? Oh, I mean it's nice on the surface, but when you get right down to it, there's a dark side to Cheers.
Really? Aw, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, you're so naive.
Nobody respects anybody here.
Oh, they're nice to your face, but as soon as you turn around, they're plotting some way to get rid of you.
And they never do their own dirty work.
No, no.
They wouldn't stoop to that.
They'd rather use some poor innocent farm boy to carry out their sinister deeds while they go prancing off to get a facial! Well, I'm not doing it anymore! I quit! Then I quit, too! Bye, everybody.
Oh, man, I knew that I should not have had Woody fire her.
When am I gonna learn? If you want something done right, you've gotta do it yourself.
(glasses break) Be careful walking back here.
Yes? What do you want? Well, uh, listen, I've had a lot of time to think since I quit, and, uh, I've done a little growing up and, and, and if you haven't filled my old position yet, I'd like to Woody! I-I-I know that I'll have to go back to starting wages and, and that I'll lose my seniority.
Woody I-I-I know it'll take me a few weeks to Woody, just shut up and get to work! God! Boy, they sure aren't very nice to new employees.
Darling, do my eyes deceive me or is our little Frederick actually asleep? Oh, he is! Where's Sam? (banging outside) Sam! Over here in the tree.
But I can still see the kid.