Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Get Your Kicks on Route 666

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh, shoot! It's a minus! I'm not pregnant.
Well, we only started trying last night.
I guess we can't expect to get pregnant the first time.
Well, I thought that's what the fourth and fifth times were for.
Fifth time.
You imagine that? I'm only up to three.
I just want to be pregnant now.
Rebecca, why don't you approach this from a scientific point of view? Make a simple plot-point graph, and chart your basal temperature at a fixed hour each morning.
After a couple of months, a pattern will emerge, thereby making your peak fertility days absolutely predictable.
Good idea.
Thanks, Lilith! Whew, boy! You guys went through all that? No, we just got ripped one night and tore one off.
Remember that, sugar, huh? # Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Look, guys, postcards from Woody.
Eh? Eh? Hey, all right.
Listen to mine.
"Dear Miss Howe, I'm having a great time on vacation.
"I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all.
Love, Woody.
" What does yours say, Sam? "Dear Sam, I'm having a great time on vacation.
"I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all.
Love, Woody.
" "I'm having a great time on vacation.
"I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all.
Love, Woody.
" Cliffie? Well, "Dear Mr.
Clavin, "I'm having a great time on vacation.
Love, Woody.
" Hey, Frasier, Lilith.
What'll you have? A scotch, Sam.
And whatever my Neanderthal husband will have.
You two fighting? No, on the contrary, Sam, I insist that she call me that.
Frasier's been captivated by a new theory of masculinity which suggests within each man is a hidden primal beast, softened by years of civilization and sensitivity.
He saw it on Sally Jesse.
Yes, and they got a really cool name for this beast.
It's called the "Inner Hairy Man.
" Or in your case, dear, "The Receding Hairy Man.
" She thinks it's all very childish.
No, I don't.
Oh, tell your little friends all about your big field trip.
Primal journey, Lilith.
You see, I'm just gonna get into my car and go.
Out on the open road.
I'm taking a week off.
I'm gonna get in touch with my hidden beast.
Ah, good luck.
Thanks, Sam.
You know, actually I was gonna invite you to join me.
You see, I get a little nervous when I drive at night.
Oh, yeah, it'd be nice, but, uh, Woody's on vacation, you know.
Oh, well, that's okay, Sammy.
I could get my nephew Frankie to help out.
He's a good kid, real sweet, Frankie.
Of course, he's never been in a bar, but he'll be okay.
Oh, I don't know about this.
You know, this is my livelihood, my business.
I don't want to just turn it over to somebody because they're family.
He'll work for minimum wage.
I'm in! Great! Great.
Hey, this is great.
So, uh, where are we gonna go? Desert? Mountains? Well, actually, Sam, the location doesn't really matter.
This is more of a spiritual journey, an heroic quest.
You know, you know, if we, uh, drive to California, we could go see Disneyland.
Ooh! Yeah.
Perhaps you could find your manhood on the giant teacups.
Yeah, a road trip to Disneyland.
Sounds fun.
You want to join us, Norm? Well I'm sure you two gentlemen have something to do.
Oh, no problemo.
I got a couple of weeks vacation coming up.
Really? Oh, yeah, my supervisor reminds me daily.
Well, Cliff, I, uh, I don't know if my car is big enough Oh, let's take my wagon.
What do you say, Norm? Huh? The four of us tooling down old mother road, getting in touch with the old hairy man-mobile, huh? I don't know.
I don't think I could handle sitting still for six hours a day.
Well, yeah, it'd be more like ten.
Oh, then I'm in.
Boy, I'll never forget, when I was 19, Buck, my best friend he was a teammate of mine in the minors he and I, uh, hitchhiked all across Route 66.
Boy, best time of my life.
Yeah? Do they still have the place where the Cadillacs are sticking up out of the ground? Oh, yeah, Cadillac Ranch, in Merrimac Caverns.
All right.
Yeah, once I lost a Hopalong Cassidy watch there when I was ten.
Yeah, it just slipped right off my wrist.
Yeah, you wouldn't believe it, but as a youth, I had very fine-boned wrists.
I can't tell you how many people mistook me for royalty.
It's true.
Oh, what the hell! We'll make it a group thing.
All of us will get out and try to get in touch with our tribal instincts.
There you go.
Oh, give me strength.
Oh, come on, Lilith, be happy for us.
We're all dropping our inhibitions.
We're gonna go out and find our manhood on the open road.
Yeah, like men! Yeah, like manly men! Real men! Like those chicks in Thelma and Louise! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened here? Ah, the eight track's acting up again there, Sammy.
Grab the butter knife out of the glove compartment, will you? Yeah.
There you go.
Here we are.
Well, at least we still got the A.
M.
radio.
So, how far have we gone? Oh, about a hundred miles.
Yeah.
Well, it's minus 38.
Why minus 38? Well, my trip meter only sets back to 38.
Well, let's see.
What's a hundred minus 38? Well, why don't we just, uh, drive 38 more miles? Then we'll know we've hit a hundred.
Hey I didn't know you were good at math.
Yeah, well, you know, I used to be an accountant.
What you reading there, Fras? Oh, uh It's called Iron John.
It's a best-seller about getting in touch with one's masculinity.
Mmm.
So you're actually gonna try to read in a moving car? Doesn't that make you sick? No.
I always get sick when I read in a car.
The car bounces around, you know, your eyes try to follow the words there.
You can smell the gas fumes.
Pretty soon, you start sweating and gasping for breath.
What's the problem? I'm sick.
You know, I'll bet it's from reading in the car.
I'm telling you.
What? I didn't say anything.
Yeah, but you were thinking something.
No, I wasn't.
Yes, you think I have the hots for Carla's nephew.
I didn't say that.
'Cause I do.
No kidding? Oh, like you don't? You've only been sitting there for the last four days staring at him.
And it's worse with you, because you're married.
That's slutty.
And what about you? You're ogling him and meanwhile, you're trying to conceive a child with another man.
Yes, but he is not my husband, so that does not make me a slut.
It's perfectly natural.
One can be married and still be drawn to the odd magnificent butt.
For once I'm with you, Doc.
I agree, but you know what I really notice in a guy? His eyes.
Yeah, but that magnificent butt thing is right up there.
Yeah, well, this guy has both.
And talk about biceps.
Whoa.
You're getting me hot.
Who are we talking about here? Your nephew, Frankie.
That is so sick! Carla, surely, as a woman, you can see how your nephew might be considered desirable.
Sure.
You start thinking like that, and you end up with Woody's family.
Just look at you two.
You're acting like a couple of construction workers.
Carla's right, Lilith.
I mean, we're treating men just the way we hate to be treated by them.
Oops, I dropped my purse.
I'll get it for you.
Here you go.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you again.
You're welcome.
Okay, I got one.
When was the last time you guys cried? Huh? Cliffie? Uh well, I guess the, uh, it's probably my, uh, junior prom.
Oh, no, no, no.
Cliffie, this is not that story where, uh, you got stood up and you had to take your ma and everyone laughed at you and pantsed you, is it? No, no, I said junior prom.
Yeah, you see, Ma was putting on a boutonniere, and a pin stuck me in the chest, I got a staph infection.
Hmm.
How about you, Fras? Well, the day we left for this trip, my son gave me a, a picture.
And you cried? I cried because it was so beautiful.
Good luck finding that hairy man.
Well, at least I can get pricked by a pin and not almost die.
What about you, Norm? Well, there was one time, uh, we thought Vera was pregnant, and then it turns out she wasn't.
I'm sorry, Norm.
You never told me that, buddy.
Well, it turns out, she was lying.
She didn't tell me till after the wedding.
I must have cried for a week.
How about you, Sam? Oh, you guys should see him.
He's sleeping like a little baby.
Aw, it's so cute.
What seems to be the trouble, Sam? Well, I know a little bit about engines, and it seems like what we got here is a burned piece of meat.
Yeah, how is my, uh, hobo steak coming? Oh, yeah, well, I threw that on the engine back in, uh, Lukachukai.
At the risk of hearing your answer, Cliff, why would you do something so stupid? Oh, well, you, you cook in there.
You see, you put your food on the engine, and then you can drive and cook at the same time.
Oh, hey, it looks like the vegetable kabobs are about done.
Maybe they're a little bit too crisp, huh? Come on, let's get back in the car and go find a motel, huh? Yeah, all right.
Hey, Cliffie, I can't turn the key here.
Well, yeah, it's got a security device on it there, Sam.
Oh.
Yeah, what I do is turn the wheel all the way to the left and then, uh, crank the key as hard as I can.
Oh, man.
Look at that.
I just broke the key off in the ignition.
I said "as hard as I can," Sammy.
That's just great.
What are we going to do now? Looks like I'm going to have to hot-wire the car here.
Hey, wh-what am I thinking about? I've had my cellular phone the whole time; we can just call for help.
No, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Frasier, where's your hairy man? We can save ourselves here.
Yeah, hot-wiring's easy.
Buck showed me how to do it on a trip across the states.
God, that guy was a whiz with anything mechanical.
Yeah, here you go.
All you got to do is take these two wires here and connect them.
You, you okay there, Sammy? Diane? Yeah, well, uh, you know what your friend Buck, uh, didn't, uh, reckon on there, Sammy, was that Cliff Clavin anti-theft device.
Yeah, you see old Mr.
Car Thief gets the shock of his life, the doors automatically lock shut, and the alarm goes off.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
The doors lock automatically? Yeah, but the alarm's supposed to be going off.
You know, it must be on the fritz.
Our ears should be ringing by now.
Oh, I'll just have to do it manually.
You locked us out of the car! My phone! My phone is ringing! All right! And the doors are locked! Well, break the damn window! Are you kidding me?! You know how much those windows cost? We don't have time to argue here, Cliff.
You're not breaking those windows.
You just try it, young man.
You're gonna have to come through me You're gonna pay for that, I hope you know.
Hello? Hello? If it's Vera, I'm not here.
Yes, this is Frasier Crane.
Oh, thank God somebody called.
The batteries are getting sort of low.
Look, I don't have much time.
Excuse me? Y- Yes, I understand the Democratic party's in trouble, and I'd love to contribute, but I'm in a little trouble myself right now.
Oh, damn! The batteries are dead! All right.
Okay.
Let's, uh, take it easy, Fras.
Nobody panic.
We'll be all right.
Great.
We're lost, can't start the car.
Way to go, Sam.
Oh, now wait a minute.
Don't blame me, you know.
It's Cliff's fault for wanting to see America like the pioneers.
We should've stayed on the main road.
Did Charles Kuralt stay on the main road? Look, I'm not the one that fell asleep at the wheel.
I wouldn't have fallen asleep at the wheel if you hadn't given me that extra shift.
Well, we were behind schedule.
Yes, I believe that was your fault for getting your fat butt lodged in that cavern.
Well, I was looking for my Hopalong Cassidy watch.
Do you mind?! Ah, come on, you guys.
Can we stop arguing for, like, ten seconds here? Geez, Buck and I went across the entire United States and we didn't argue once.
You know, frankly, Sam, I'm getting a little tired of hearing about Saint Buck! If he was so wonderful, how come none of us has ever met him? Because ever since he got into the Hall of Fame, he won't return my phone calls, so I have to hang around a bunch of losers in a stupid bar! Does that answer your question, Mr.
Hairy Man?! Oh, I'm sorry, guys.
I didn't mean anything by that.
It's just that, well, he asked the question.
You know, I, I hate to bring this up, but, uh we could really be in some, some serious trouble here.
Oh, come on, man.
Hey, listen, at least we, uh, we've got each other here, right? I mean, you know, here we are out in the desert, back to nature.
I mean, look, look at this air here.
It's clear.
It's fresh.
I mean, isn't that why we came out here in the first place? Yeah, yeah.
Look at the stars, guys.
Look at that.
Got to be a million of 'em up there.
Kind of makes you feel insignificant, huh? Yeah, I don't feel anything.
Frankie? Yeah? I need you to move those big boxes to the other side of the poolroom.
Gosh, Miss Howe, it's the fifth time today.
I'm getting kind of sweaty.
Well, then take off your shirt, you goose.
I could have gone with those guys on that little road trip, you know.
I know.
I just wasn't here when they decided to go.
So you've said.
They, uh, probably tried to call me and hung up on my machine.
Hmm.
Sometimes it doesn't record the hang-ups.
Mm-hmm.
You're not much of a conversationalist, are you? Where is everybody? Probably in New Mexico by now.
You know, I could've gone with 'em if they'd just left a message.
No, I-I was talking about my nephew and Rebecca of Horny Brook Farm.
They're in the back.
Frankie's helping her move some boxes.
I'll just bet he is.
You know, I'm getting a little sick of the way she's throwing herself all over that guy.
I mean, it's disgusting.
Carla, I've never seen this side of you.
Yeah, well You know, Frankie's sweet.
One day he's going to meet a nice girl and settle down.
And in the meantime, it's my job to keep him away from sleazy women looking for a quick one-nighter.
You mean women like you? Ironic, huh? Oh, Frankie.
What? I thought I told you to stay away from Rebecca.
Look, the woman is a tramp.
All she wants you for is your body.
Miss Howe? She seems so nice.
Are you kidding? She has had every man in this bar.
Every single one.
What? That's right.
Most of 'em, ten, 20 times.
Look, you're a good boy, Frankie.
Now, go, go.
Get out of here, before it's too late.
Now, go.
Run like the wind! Go! Don't ever come back! I won't.
You know what I'm going to do on the way home? What? I'm going to stop at Saint Michael's, and I'm going to pray for her soul.
You do that.
How the hell did he ever get in my family? Hey, Rebecca? Yes? Rumor has it you've, uh, slept with every guy in the bar.
What? So, uh, how come you haven't done the wild thing with old Paul, huh? I never get included in anything.
We're going to die out here.
They're going to find our bleached bones.
Look, let's just relax here, everybody.
Everything's going to seem better in the morning.
Oh, yes, Sam.
"In the morning.
" When the desert sun comes up.
By noon, it'll be 120! Forget it, Doc.
You're never going to see 120.
At 110, your lungs explode.
Cliff, that is ridiculous! Oh, yeah? Well, would you like to make a friendly wager on that? How many hours have we got till sunup? About four, I'd say.
Well I've lived a good life.
The only thing I regret is I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to Lilith and Frederick, to tell them how much I love them.
Well, at least you've got somebody to carry on your name, you know.
I- I don't have anybody.
If I die out here, it's me dying alone.
No, you're not, Sam.
You've got us.
Ah here we are wasting away in the desert.
I never pictured that the four of us would go out like this.
How did you picture it, Cliff? Well, I pictured, uh, Sammy getting topped by a jealous husband.
Norm, I figured you'd, you know, heart attack.
Frasier here Cliff, I, I don't want to hear it.
You bet you don't.
Oh, look at that.
The sun's about to come up.
Say, uh, where's, where's Norm? Oh, he's asleep in the back here.
Yeah? Well well, he's not asleep anymore.
Oh, hey, he's gone! Well, he's got to be around here someplace.
Norm! Norm! Normie! Norm! Normie! Norm! Here, Norm! You, you don't suppose some wolf dragged him off in the night, do you? Well, maybe we ought to take a look for him.
Not me.
I don't want to meet the wolf that can drag off Norm.
Norm! Norm! Thank God you're safe! Yeah.
Where'd you get this thing? It came complimentary with the room.
What room? At the resort.
What resort? The resort just over the hill, where I spent the night.
You mean you stayed in a resort while we slept here in the dirt?! Why didn't you come and tell us? How could you do something like this?! You guys want to yell at me some more, or do you want to make the breakfast buffet? It stops in ten minutes.
Well, naturally, the buffet.