Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Madame LaCarla

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
I got something to add to the conversation.
If a 100-megaton warhead detonated over the city of Boston, the results would be so horrific that the survivors would envy the dead.
We weren't having a conversation, Cliff.
Well! Then food for thought.
# Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Hi, guys.
Hey, there he is! All right, a star is born! The man of the hour.
Oh, Woody! Woody, you opened last night in Arsenic and Old Lace.
Why didn't you tell me so I could go? I did tell you, Miss Howe.
I told you dozens of times and I sent you an invitation with a cute, little cartoon of me drawn on it.
You said you were going to be there and I reserved a seat for you in the front row.
Oh! Then I was sick.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you feeling better? Hmm, so-so.
Well, it's probably best you didn't come last night.
I've still got to iron out a few bugs.
Well, all I can tell you, Woody, is that Ma loved the play.
Yeah, I mean, there's something about the idea of sweet old ladies being cold-blooded murderesses.
Just seemed to tickle her funny bone.
All the way home she just laughed and laughed.
Matter of fact, I woke up at 3:00 a.
, and there she was sitting in my room in a rocking chair rocking back and forth, staring at me and making this low, guttural chuckle.
Boy, does she love the theater.
Hi, guys.
Carla, your psychic called.
Madame Lazora called me? Yeah, she's coming by today.
Madame Lazora is coming by? Maybe she just wants to say hello.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You don't understand.
Madame Lazora does not just say hello.
She must have had a horrible premonition of me getting hurt or killed or or pregnant.
Look, Carla, if you're really concerned what this charlatan has to say, why don't you just call her? Yeah, you're right, Doc.
I might as well just get it over with.
Wait a minute.
What if she was calling me to warn me to keep away from telephones? What if she's seen a vision of me horribly disfigured in a telephone accident? Carla, don't be ridiculous.
Woody, you okay? Oh, I don't know, Mr.
Uh, this is bad.
I can't breathe.
I can't move.
Hey, Woody, your review is out.
It is?! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! I can't wait to read it! I'm gonna make copies and send them to my mom! Oh, here, here.
Here you read it, Mr.
I'm too nervous.
Well, he likes it! Hey! "A charming romp.
" "A charming romp"! He likes the cast.
"A deft ensemble.
" Ooh, good! "Deft ensemble.
" Uh, what does he say about me? And he sort of goes on and on.
No, no, go ahead, read it.
I can take it.
"Woody Boyd is weak.
" "Weak"? Is that all? Not handsome and weak? Well, Woody, you know what they say, "There's no such thing as bad press as long as they spell your name right.
" Actually, it says "Woody Doyb is weak.
" Oh, Madame Lazora.
I sense the tortured anguish of many lost souls screaming for release.
Uh, that's probably me.
I had kielbasa for breakfast.
Madame Lazora, let me go get Carla; she's gonna want to see you right away.
She's been kind of worried.
I sensed she would be worried.
How did she know? Amazing.
Oh, Carla.
Darling, I must talk to you.
Please sit down.
Sam, just stay with me.
I'm really scared.
All right.
All right, here we go.
Just tell me it's going to be quick and painless.
I don't understand.
You don't foresee a hideous disaster in my future? Of course I do, but that's not why I'm here.
Oh, then why? I have decided to retire and move to Florida at the end of the year.
I see myself on Miami Beach with those muscular cabana boys.
See? I told you there's nothing to worry about.
"Nothing to worry about"? Madame Lazora has been my spiritual advisor since I was 17 years old.
Without her my life would've been a complete disaster.
Honey, I thought your Well, it could have been worse.
Sam, you're smothering me here.
Get the lady a drink.
You I'd like a beer, please.
Oh, wow, she read my mind.
Madame Lazora, if you retire, what am I supposed to do? Who am I going to turn to? Who are all your clients going to turn to? You.
And why me? Because Princess Katya said it would be so.
Princess Katya said that? Sam, did you hear that? Princess Katya has chosen me to take over for Madame Lazora.
Well, who's Princess Katya? She's Madame Lazora's spirit guide.
Her contact from the other side.
Katya, she was a 17th-century Romanian princess, very much misunderstood in her day.
The villagers hammered a mask lined with spikes onto her face and burned her at the stake.
And to this day, that woman still keeps her sense of humor.
Well, you, you've got to admire that, don't you? Princess Katya thinks I have spiritual gifts? She knows.
And tonight, when I return, all the secrets of the spirit world will be revealed to you.
Well, why can't we start right now? I have to get my teeth cleaned.
We all have many lives, but only one set of teeth.
Whoa! I'm gonna be a psychic! Who could have predicted that? I guess I better start practicing.
Sam, I'm going to read your mind.
Okay? Think of something.
Right now? Yeah.
You're thinking about your car.
You're thinking about some babe.
Oh, wait a minute.
Give me a minute.
I can do this.
Just give me a chance.
You're thinking about your hair.
Come on, Sam, that's everything you ever think about! That's not true.
I think about other things.
Yeah? Like what? Well, I was thinking about what happened at the end of Planet of the Apes.
I fell asleep.
Uh, uh, Sammie, Chuck Heston found the decayed ruins of the Statue of Liberty.
What are you saying? You're saying he was on Planet Earth the whole time? Whoa! Man, I wasn't even close.
I guess I'm just fooling myself.
What a prize dork, thinking I had the power.
Oh, come on, just 'cause you didn't get it the first time? Come on, let's do it again.
What's the use? Come on, I wasn't concentrating.
We both weren't concentrating.
Now, let's come on, let's do it.
I'm going to do it one more time.
Just you've got to just relax though, Sam, okay? All right, mmm.
I see something.
It's you.
And you're young.
And, uh, it's summer.
And there's an animal, a pet.
You had a pet, didn't you, Sam? Yeah, yeah, I did.
And you loved him very much.
Yeah, I did love him.
Suddenly this is all so clear! Frasier, I see you, as a young boy, reading all those books and not having any friends.
Norm, I see you, having lots of friends and not reading any books.
And, Cliff, I see you.
Sam, there's more.
Yeah? That pet It's a Labrador named Sparkey! And he's running to a woman.
It's your mother! Her black hair is waving in the wind! Oh, my God! This is so incredible! Huh?! Madame Lazora was right! I am gifted! I am a seer! Marry that girl.
Quit that job! I have the power! How do you explain that, Dr.
Crane? Why ask me, Woody? I mean Do I know something that no one else knows? I mean, we all saw what we saw.
I mean, do you enjoy having me explain every little thing that happens? You know, I mean, "Let's ask the esteemed Dr.
Yeah, see, he'll know.
" Well, I'm sorry, Woody.
I have no answer for you! Frankly, I'm, I'm downright scared.
To tell the truth, I got, I got a little creeped out when she got that dog's name.
Frasier, Frasier Calm down, man, I, I lied.
I just didn't want to hurt her feelings.
I knew that.
Sam, can I have a, a scotch? Oh, excuse me.
I'm-I'm looking for Woody Boyd.
Oh, no! What is it? It's my director, Lee Bradken.
Uh, is Woody Boyd here? WOODY Tell him I'm not here.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Bradken, he's not here.
How did you know my name was Bradken? Tell him it was a lucky guess.
Lucky guess.
Who's that person crouching by the side of your leg? Okay, give me a minute on this one.
Woody, what do you mean by saying you're not going to do the show tonight? Okay, I'm sorry, Mr.
You're too smart for me.
Not that my partner gave me a lot of help.
It's just, I read that scathing review, and I I just don't think I can face an audience.
I'm not saying your performance was weak, Woody, but if it was and it was then maybe, that's because, as an actor, you're afraid to examine your-your own feelings.
Here, I want you to do an exercise.
Write down your true feelings as they come to you, okay? Now, how do you feel right now? I feel weak.
Not what other people tell you to feel.
Do you really feel weak? I feel strong.
Darned right you do.
And how do you feel about that critic? Am angry.
So? How are you gonna get even? TP his house.
By giving the best performance you can give.
Look, I talked the critic into coming back tonight, Woody.
If you can change his mind, he'll say so in tomorrow's column.
Now, Woody, how do you feel about going on tonight? Feel great! And how do you feel about your fellow actors? Am better than other actors.
Well, Woody Can direct better than Bradken.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! You've still got a long way to go.
I'll see you tonight.
"Is jealous of my youth and good looks.
" Guys, it's gonna be so cool being a spiritualist.
Poor Carla.
It's gonna break her heart when she sees that she can't read the future.
Well, she must be able to, Miss Howe.
She filled out her time card for the whole week.
She's gonna work 80 hours between now and Friday! That is eerie! Are you ready to receive the spirit of Princess Katya? You bet I am.
I can't wait to quit this penny-ante job and start doing something I'm more suited for.
Now, all we need is a nice, quiet, dark place where we won't be disturbed.
No problem.
I'll clear out the poolroom.
Hey, isn't that Michelle Pfeiffer out front?! And who's she with, Kevin Costner?! Where?! Where?! Hey, Sammy? Catch you later.
When you see me again, I'm gonna be on a higher astral plane.
Yeah, wait.
Come Wait.
Hold on a second here.
You're not You're not serious about quitting Cheers, are you? Because if you are No, you don't have to tell me.
I can read your mind.
You're afraid that we're gonna grow apart, and we're not gonna be friends anymore, because I'll be a psychic, and you'll be a lowly bartender.
Honey, you remember when you-you were reading my mind? Well you-you didn't get as much right as you thought.
Oh, yeah? What did I get wrong? Everything.
But everything was so clear! Well, okay, maybe I didn't read your mind, but I was definitely reading somebody's mind, because those images were as clear as day.
Come on, Carla.
All right.
Who here had a mother with black hair and a Labrador retriever? Come on! I can't be the only one! Oh! Carla! Princess Katya and I are waiting.
Madame Lazora, I- I can't do this.
I'm sorry, but I am just not cut out for this kind of stuff.
Are you telling me that Princess Katya and I are wrong?! I'm telling you that I don't have any psychic powers.
I mean, I tried! Problem is, you have no faith, and without faith, you are not worthy to house the spirit of Princess Katya.
I had such high hopes for you, but now you're nothing but an empty disappointment.
Farewell forever, Carla! Lazora, halt! I am Princess Katya.
I am inside Carla.
Oh! What happened? Carla, you had faith, and it happened! It did?! I did it! I did it! Yes! Yes! You're a natural! And more and more, you will be able to see the spirits of the dead are all around you! And very soon, you will see them lingering in the shadows of this very bar, just as I do.
That's just Lilith.
Everyone makes that mistake.
All the tools you will need are here in this carved box.
Precious crystals windows to the unseen future.
The tarot cards ancient diviners of fortune.
The I Ching coins symbols of Oriental wisdom.
The moist towelettes.
You get a lot of trade off the street in this business.
Hello? Hello? What's that, a spirit? No, no, no.
That's Bob, your first client.
I'll never forget my first client.
Who was it? Bob.
Madame Lazora, I-I'm really not ready for Bob.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll be here with you.
There's just one more piece of information you need to fully understand your mission here.
Look, Madame Lazora, you don't understand.
I have a terrible confession to make.
Back in the bar, Princess Katya didn't really enter my body.
I was just faking it so that I wouldn't disappoint you.
I don't have any psychic powers.
I am just an awful person.
I hope you don't hate me.
Oh, Carla, I'm so proud of you for having the courage to be honest with me.
Oddly enough, this relates to the information I was about to give you.
What's that? I'm a complete fraud.
Now, we just have time to work on your spooky voice.
What? Your spooky voice.
You have to learn to speak lower talk more from the diaphragm.
You're a fraud? All these years you've been leading me on? Hi.
Oh, hello, Bob.
I want you to meet your new spiritual advisor Madame Carla.
Hello, Madame Carla.
Hello, Bob.
Madame Carla study Bob's aura.
Tell me, what do you see? Can you see something? Yeah, I can see something.
I can see that you're a sucker, a big dope.
For 20 years you've been forking over your hard-earned cash to a sleazy con artist.
You have been taken in by the cheapest, most obvious scam in the world just because you wanted to believe it.
I see that you should wise up, chump.
That will be $50, please.
Yow, I wonder what's wrong with Carla.
We all know what's wrong with Carla, but I'm the only one with enough courage to say it.
Not enough bran.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Woody, how'd it go? Oh, it was a great performance, Sam, and I actually got a chance to talk to that critic afterward, and he said that I was much improved.
There you go.
Well, I can't wait to go see you next week.
Oh, well, no, actually I'm not in it anymore, Sam.
What happened? Well, the other actors read my notebook and got upset.
Well, Woody, people can be very sensitive.
Well, I think they're being a little oversensitive.
I mean, come on, Dr.
Crane, I mean, if you read in my notebook that you were a snobby, know-it-all windbag, would you be upset? Yes, I probably would.
I guess someone ought to go talk to Carla, huh? Allow me.
Carla, would you like to talk about it? No.
Well, then, would you like me to show you the correct fingering for "Greensleeves"? She's a fake.
Madame Lazora is a fraud.
All these years she's been nothing but a fake.
I am sorry, Carla.
I don't suppose this is an appropriate moment to say "I told you so.
" No, this is the perfect moment to say it.
I told you so.
I can't believe it.
I know I can, but then again, I did tell you so.
All right, just give me a minute to wallow.
I'm sorry.
I mean, if she's a fake, then everything's a fake and everything I ever believed in is wrong.
I guess that's it.
I've got nothing left.
Game over.
Carla, Madame Lazora is just one individual.
Don't give her the power to destroy your entire belief system.
You know, the mystic world that's given you so much comfort may very well exist.
You don't really believe that.
Of course I do.
Although if, if it doesn't I- I'm logging in right now to say "I told you so.
" The truth is, no one knows.
What's your point? That you should profit from this experience.
You've graduated from Madame Lazora.
You've become a stronger Carla a smarter Carla one who's learned.
You want to know what I've learned? I've learned that a woman with a funny voice and some fancy scarves can charge any stupid idiot 50 bucks just to tell him what he wants to know.
What is it, Carla? I got a scarf.
I can do a spooky voice.
Now, now, Carla.
Gather around, everybody, and I will tell you of the future for 50 bucks.
Carla, no.
You're right.
Gather around, gather around.
Thanks, Fras.
Well I guess my work here is done.