Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Ma's Little Maggie

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Woody, could we have some more pretzels, please? Woody? Oh, sorry, Dr.
I I was just thinking about how big the universe is.
Yes, it is, Woody.
As a matter of fact, it's expanding all the time.
Spiraling outward, ad infinitum, from the center of its origin at an alarming seven miles per second.
You mean all of us are getting bigger? Well, no, Woody, we we're not expanding.
The universe is.
Although some of us could stand to eat a few less jelly doughnuts.
So, as the universe expands, what happens to us? Well, someday we'll just explode into billions of atoms, which themselves will cease to exist in time.
Why, in ten quadrillion years, there'll be nothing left of anything.
May I have those pretzels now, Woody? Sure, better get them while you can.
# Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Good morning, unwashed masses.
Hey, hey, a new suit there, huh, Cliffie? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Like it? Shiny as the penny you spent on it.
Oh, no, sorry, ma'am.
No open flames near this suit.
So, uh, what's the occasion, Cliff? My girlfriend, Margaret.
Just picked her up at the airport, dropped her off at the hotel.
She'll be by in a few minutes.
All right! Margaret's back from Canada.
Yeah, yeah.
She just couldn't take those brutal freezing winters those sub-zero temperatures, the lonely sense of isolation, so she's, uh, coming back to me.
Yeah? Well, the grass is always greener.
Hey, Cliffie, do we, uh, hear wedding bells? Ah.
Not for this muchacho, there, Sammy.
What are you talking about? I thought you always wanted to get married.
No, no, no, no.
No time soon, that's for sure.
Hey, there's still a lot of postage left on this U.
Yeah, well, the only real hurdle left is Ma.
Yeah? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's very traumatic when the woman you love more than anything else in the world meets your significant other.
Which would be which, Cliff? Well, now you see my problem.
So, uh, what'd your ma say when you told her? Well, I'm gonna break it to her this afternoon.
See, I came up with this great idea.
I'm gonna tell her in a public place where I'm surrounded by my friends, you see? Then she'll have to control herself and she won't embarrass me.
Clifford, for the hundredth time, if you want to use my shower cap in the morning, will you put it back where you found it? Perhaps as a reminder, you'd like to wear it for the rest of the day? You know, suddenly I see Cliff as heroically well-adjusted.
Sam, I was a little off on payroll, so I just made up a bunch of numbers and What are you doing? You're drinking coffee.
So? You can't drink coffee when we're trying to make a baby.
I don't know.
I'm pretty coordinated.
Sam, that's not the point.
You were supposed to stay in peak physical condition.
You know, caffeine loading could be the reason why we haven't been able to conceive for the last two months.
Come on.
It's just a cup of coffee.
No, Sam, you have to promise me something.
Till I am pregnant, you have to stay in better shape.
You have to stop drinking coffee, stop eating junk food and stop staying up late watching movies.
Why don't you just kill the man? All right, all right, all right.
If you really think this is important, I'll, uh, I'll stop drinking coffee.
All right, good.
I mean, we only have two days left in this month.
What do you mean? Well, you see here on the calendar, I, I put a B for baby on the days when I'm likely to conceive.
You know, the days when we should make love.
That's funny.
I usually put an F.
F? For "fertile.
" What did you think I meant? You know I'm, I'm not so sure I want you to carry my baby.
So, you see, the entire region might more accurately be described as "The Bermuda Rhombus".
Well, thanks, Ma.
Look, Ma, there's something I think we'd better talk about, and, uh, I'm not so sure you want to hear it.
Well, what the heck, here goes.
I, uh, I met somebody.
Yeah, actually, more than a somebody.
It's a woman.
This isn't like the time you had your heart set on Priscilla Presley, is it? No, no, Ma.
This is more than a few hundred silly letters.
I, uh, I actually know this gal.
Yeah, see, her name is Margaret.
She's from Canada.
I love her, and she loves me.
Oh I understand, Clifford.
If this is the woman you've chosen to take my place I guess the only thing for me to do is die.
Ma, what are you doing? I'm dying.
You're not dying.
Will you stop it? Come on.
No need to take me to the graveyard, Clifford.
Just set me next to your tubby friend there.
And when I start to bloat, just toss me in the Dumpster.
Thanks for bringing your ma by.
It's the way I want to go, alone in a bar without my son.
Anyone who is blood-type O is welcome to my organs.
I don't recommend the heart.
It's been broken.
What's that, Grandma? Come toward the light? Ma! Ma, you're not dying.
Now stop it! Oh, now here's Margaret now.
So, let's go meet her, and then now, please, just behave yourself, will you, Ma? I'll put off dying just long enough to meet her.
This is turning out better than I expected.
Ma, this is Margaret.
Margaret, this is Ma.
Well, enough of this chitchat, huh? Listen, I've got some, uh, lunch reservations up there at Melville's for, uh, me and my gals.
What do you say? Oh, I get to have lunch, and then it's off to the ice floe.
Oh, you must be referring to the custom of the Inuit people, where they set their golden-agers on an ice floe to die.
How did you know that? Oh, I love trivia.
Good answer.
Yeah, well, uh, shall we go, ladies? Mm.
Command of trivia is one of the things that attracted me to Cliff.
Uh, that and his manners.
Good heavens.
His what? His manners.
Oh, my dear, I thought you said his manhood.
Sam, I Are you drinking coffee again? No.
No, no, this is for Norm.
I think I figured out why you haven't been able to give me a baby.
What makes you think it's my fault? Well, I've been doing some reading, and I think I know what the problem is.
You wear bikini briefs, don't you? Sweetheart, I know the lights are usually out, but I do take 'em off.
Sam, look.
Look according to this brochure, briefs are bad for you.
They're constricting, they raise your body temperature, sometimes rendering your little swimmers ineffectual.
Look at the little cartoon.
Oh, gee! Sam, the bottom line is, we have to lower the temperature down there.
Well, how are we gonna do that? With these underpants lined with freon-based gel.
You want me to wear frozen underwear? I, I'll freeze my Exactly.
Oh, I haven't looked at these in ages.
Is that Cliff? Oh, my, no.
That's Clifford's father.
You see where Clifford got his wide bottom.
I've always wondered.
When Clifford was a baby, we'd set him down and gently push him over.
And wouldn't you know, he'd pop right back up just like, just like one of those inflatable clowns! Well, come on, sit, sit, sit, please.
Bartender, how about a couple of drinks for my lovely ladies here, huh? In the meanwhile, I'll go and, uh, use the facilities.
Clifford, don't be vulgar.
Sorry, Ma.
So, Cliff, how'd it go upstairs? Oh, great.
They got along like, uh, two long-lost friends.
All through lunch, it was just yak, yak, yak, yak.
Couple of real chatterboxes, huh? Uh, no.
Ma just knows a lot of trivia about yaks.
Shall I make a general announcement? Oh, well, shouldn't we wait for Cliff to get back from the restroom? Oh, let's not hurry him.
That's his alone time.
Everybody, I have an announcement to make.
This beautiful, young lady, Margaret Catherine O'Keefe, has agreed to become my daughter-in-law.
Hey, what's going on? Why, your wedding, Clifford.
Uh, beg your pardon? Isn't this great?! I'm going to be the next Mrs.
Clavin! He has the same look he had when he took me to the prom.
Don't say no.
I want to buy you a mobile home.
Now, I can't afford the deluxe model with the front porch, so Oh, well, that's okay.
We'll make it home.
I'm awfully handy.
I I can make a nice gravel garden, and we can buy one of those concrete gnomes.
You're already getting one.
Oh, this is so exciting! I'm about ready to burst.
I have to go call my parents.
And, with any luck, by this time next year, we're going to hear the pitter-patter of little Clavin feet.
Woody Woody, hold this for me.
Hold this knife.
Ah! Ma, you know, this is all happening so fast.
I mean, here I am going to marry Margaret, I don't even remember proposing.
If we waited for you to propose, I'd never be a grandmother.
What are you talking about? Oh, dear.
I was afraid of this.
I think we'd better have a little talk.
Woody! Two whiskeys, and leave the bottle.
Now, I don't want you to think that I'm looking forward to this but with your father out of the picture it's one of those crosses I'm going to have to bear, along with many others.
Now, when a man and woman love each other very much, they share a very special kind of hug.
Ooh ah! Ma, look, you don't have to tell me all this stuff.
I already know.
All right, who's the dirty mouth who's been telling my son these things? Only, um only I used a different word for "hug.
" Here's a pamphlet to fill in the many gaps left by lover-boy over there.
Read it.
Read it before your wedding night.
"Howard's New Feelings".
My parents are thrilled! They're giving us a freezer full of meat! Wow! Huh? Well, let's get busy.
We have so much to do.
We have to shop for a dress and get a marriage license.
Oh, and the bakery! We're going to have a great big chocolate wedding cake.
Whoa! Hold on there, Ma.
You know, I'm allergic to chocolate, don't forget.
Then you may have graham crackers.
Really? Well, I'm off to get that marriage license.
Now, before you go, Cliff, I'd like to offer my congratulations.
I, for one, will be enthusiastically tracking your development.
I mean, uh sharing your joy.
Thank you, Lilith.
Thank you very much.
Well, Cliff, Cliff, Cliff, huh? His life is never going to be the same after this.
Regular sex.
Wait a minute.
I thought you said he was getting married.
Uh Sammy, two beers.
Get them yourself.
You okay, Sam? It's none of your business.
Sam, we're out of olives.
That's your problem, isn't it? Gee, these shorts are cold! I couldn't help noticing, dear, that all the wedding dresses you favored were pure white.
Can I assume that's appropriate? Well, here we are! All right.
Message received.
None of my business.
Say, uh listen.
You're going to marry Cliff, right? That's right.
Well, could you just do me a little favor? What's that? Don't bring any more Clavins into this world.
It's not right.
It's just not right.
Poor, poor Carla.
Cliff told me all about the affair you had with him.
And I just want you to know that I bear no grudge.
I I I I didn't know Carla and Cliff had an affair.
That explains a lot.
That poor woman.
I know he cut her deeply when he broke up with her.
But, Rebecca, you seem to have bounced back.
Sammy, how's it going? You ever try to start your car on a really cold winter morning? Yeah.
Yeah, well, nobody in their right mind would expect it to start.
Am I right? Yeah.
You're right.
Yeah, well, you tell that to Rebecca! Oh! Sorry I'm late, everybody.
How you doing? You wouldn't believe all those people down at the marriage bureau waiting for a license.
Pretty soon, Maggie, it's going to be you and me.
We'll be joining them, huh? I can't wait, Cliff.
I'm one happy fella! Gosh, I'm happy! And you're the one who made me so happy, honey.
You're all invited to the wedding.
Doc, can I see you in the office, please? Sure, Cliff.
I'll be with you in just a minute, my betrothed.
Hey, who would have thought Cliff Clavin was ready for commitment? Doc, you gotta help me.
I mean, it's all happening so fast.
One minute, I I'm leading my life.
And the next minute, before you know it, I'm standing in a line down at the marriage bureau with a bunch of other people waiting for a license.
I looked into their eyes.
You know what I saw? The smell of death.
Aren't you exaggerating just a bit? Oh, no.
Fras, when I was a teenager, I used to work at a slaughterhouse.
And I watched them when they brought them in, and I watched them when they took them out.
But I've never seen nothing like that.
Ma's really done it to me this time.
Cliff, why do you have to do what she says? She's Ma.
Think back.
Have you ever stood up to your mother? Have you ever stood up to Lilith? Touché, Cliff, but we're not discussing me.
Look, Fras, I know what you're trying to say that I should stand up to my mother.
Well, you're not telling me anything I haven't been telling myself since my 35th birthday.
It's just that, if I do, it'll hurt Ma's feelings.
What about Cliff's feelings? Who cares about Cliff's feelings? You should.
You have the right to do with your life what you will.
Don't worry about what other people will think.
Your first responsibility is to you.
You're a real person, worthy of consideration and respect.
Am I interrupting anything? Oh, no, Maggie.
Just nothing important.
Cliff was, you know Cliff, is something wrong? It's about the wedding, Margaret.
I don't think I want to get married just yet.
Why, Cliff? Don't you love me? Oh, Maggie, of course I love you.
But, if we're going to get married, I want it to be our decision, and not Ma's.
That woman has been making decisions for me long enough.
We'll know in our hearts when the time is right.
Oh, Cliff! Maggie, when I propose to you, it's going to be the most romantic thing you've ever heard.
I don't know, Cliff.
It would be awfully hard to beat the way your ma said it.
Oh, Margaret? You'll, uh you'll still be my girlfriend, won't you? Oh, yes, Cliff.
I understand completely.
You want to be your own man.
All right! Now, would you get out there and tell that to my mother? That's wonderful.
Good news, kiddies! The wedding's going to have a luau theme.
I've booked the Tiki Hut on Route Nine.
Ma, I want to talk to you.
You can stop grinding that organ right now.
I'm taking off my little hat.
I'm not your monkey anymore.
Clifford, we haven't got time for the monkey speech.
We're too busy.
I love you, Ma, but I'm not going to be railroaded into marriage just to make you happy.
You've been running my life long enough, and it's time for me to take the wheel.
Why, Clifford Clavin, how dare you speak to your mother like that?! I'm 42 years old, and I'll speak to you any way I wish! My word! Come on, Maggie! We got a lot of living to do! Whoo! Oh! Oh! You still with me, Maggie? My tooth, Cliff! Ohh! I see I still have to do everything for the boy.
I'll be back for you in a minute, Clifford!