Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Where Have All the Floorboards Gone?

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
This never gets old.
# Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Doctor Crane, can you help me with somethin'? Of course, Woody.
You know, uh, yesterday was mine and Kelly's third anniversary of goin' steady.
And, uh, I gave her a dinky keychain, so she goes and gives me this $300 camera.
So, my problem is Say no more about it, Woody.
If I were you, I wouldn't let Kelly's fine present cause you any guilt.
I mean, after all, she comes from a very privileged background while you're a, an unsophisticated working man who has nary two dimes to rub together.
You know, these kinds of relationships rarely make it through a third year.
Actually, I just wanted to know how to work the automatic flash.
But now I just want to go someplace and cry.
Frasier, I've got to run.
I'm having my photograph taken for a new I.
badge at the lab.
Are you gonna get your hair done for that? Why on earth should I? Well, at least get the tension on that bun checked.
I mean, if that baby goes, we're all dead.
That hardly seems just coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.
Watch it, babe! Ooh, I'm outta here.
Now, now, girls, girls, there's no reason to insult each other.
No matter how on the nose either of you might be.
Frasier, do you think I should change my hair? You're asking me? Just a second, dear.
Uh-oh, I'm in big trouble.
If I tell her to change, she'll assume that I'm disappointed with the way she looks.
On the other hand, if I say it's fine as it is, she'll think I don't care.
You know, Lilith, you should do with those raven tresses whatever pleases you.
Because, my angel, if you're happy, I'm happy.
You're chicken.
But happy.
For heaven sake, take a stand! Just a second, dear.
She's goin' to the mat on this one.
Why don't you just tell her to get her hair changed? Perhaps you're right.
You know, she probably wants to change herself in some way, but, uh, doesn't have the confidence to just let go.
Lilith, I think you should restyle.
You know, to tell the truth, there is a, a part of me that would, would like to see a-a little change in your appearance.
Why? Because you've secretly hated the way I've looked all these years and haven't had the guts to tell me? Just a second, dear.
Taxi! That's exactly why I never got married.
Oh, is that why, Cliff? Yeah, that's why.
Mornin', everybody.
Norm! Hey, what's goin' on, Normie? It's my birthday, Sammy.
Give me a beer, stick a candle in it.
And I'll blow out my liver.
Hey, it's his birthday.
Did ya hear that? Happy birthday, Norm! I just want the day to come and go just like any other day.
I think you can pull that off.
Well, Norm, you know, despite the fact that you don't want to make a big fuss out of it, we all, uh, chipped in and got ya somethin'.
Now what is it that, uh, you want more than anything else in the world? Another beer.
Close your eyes there, Mr.
Yay! Oh, guys! Yay! What could it be? Let me see.
It's a beer! Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
Hey, I got you a very, very special gift, my friend.
More special than a free beer? Yeah.
Come here.
Is it a keg and a snorkel? Come, stand right here.
Now I know what a big fan of the Celtics you are, so here's your present.
Kevin McHale? Sammy, I love the guy, but, uh, I know where to draw the line, you know? No, no, no, no, no, okay, he's just deliverin' it.
Come on, Kevin.
Norm, Sammy tells me what a big fan you are of the team, so on behalf of myself and the Celtics, I'd like you to have this team jacket.
Oh, all ri Thanks, man.
Happy birthday! All right! Have a happy Look at this.
Ah, hey.
Hey, whoa, whoa, smile.
Sam, how do you work the flash on this? I got my hands full here, Woody.
Oh! All right! What a birthday, huh? A free beer, a Celtics jacket from Kevin McHale, and Sammy wipi" out my bar tab.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I didn't say anything about wipin' out a bar tab.
Well, happy birthday to me.
Hey, Sammy? Yeah.
I came through with that jacket for Norm.
Where's that autographed Red Sox baseball you got for me? Oh, right, right.
I'll be, I'll be right back.
All right.
Is it almost ready? Yeah.
How many G's in Boggs? Two.
Is that all? Doesn't look right.
All right.
Thank you, Sam.
Let me use the phone, all right? Yeah, anytime.
Normie? Yeah.
Even though I, uh, chipped in for the beer with the guys, Mm-hmm.
I also got you a little special gift.
Yeah? What's that? Well, uh, I did some research on the, uh, historical significance of birthdays.
Uncovered a lot of interesting facts and, uh I'm not gonna share 'em with ya.
Oh, Cliff, man.
Happy birthday, big guy.
Say, Kevin, you know, uh, my birthday's comin' up pretty soon.
Maybe you could come back and deliver somethin' for me.
Oh, would you like a jacket, too? Yeah, right.
A jacket! Well, guys, I feel like I own a little bit of Celtic history.
Some of my fondest memories as a boy are going down to the Garden.
Being in the same building as all my heroes.
Sittin' there next to my dad and as he ordered beer after beer from the vendor, sayin' to myself, "Someday, someday.
" That's great.
Ah, the Garden.
Yes, perhaps the most famous playing surface in all of sports.
Well, you know, it's a little known fact that that, uh, parquet floor is comprised of 240 individual squares held down by 2,860 bolts.
Uh, you're wrong there.
It's 2,880 bolts.
And I got that from a member of the bull gang, the crew that works the floor.
Well, I'm very sorry, Norm, but my source is unimpeachable.
Yeah? Who's that? My ma.
Why don't we settle this right now? I'll call the Garden and find out, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Who're we supposed to talk to, the guy in charge of bolts? We've got McHale here.
Why don't we just ask him.
Kevin? Yeah.
Uh, tell this guy how many bolts there are on the floor of the Garden, please.
Well, I-I've never noticed any bolts in that floor.
You know, come to think of it, Bird, Parish, Auerbach, nobody knows how many bolts are in that floor, huh? There's a game for ya.
Trivia Hey, stop, stop, stop! Stop it! Just turn around and run the other way! What're you talking about? Look, Kevin, I'm warning you because I love you.
Don't get caught up in one of those conversations.
You'll end up like those guys.
They never leave those stools.
It's a disease, and they're tryin' to hook you.
I knew this guy once who was a respected psychiatrist.
It's too late for him, but you can still save yourself.
Go on.
Okay, yeah, yeah, you're I got a game in an hour.
Like to talk about those bolts, you guys, but I gotta run.
Thank God.
Hey, I'll tell you what, though.
If you multiply the number of bolts by number of squares in that thing, you'd be able to find out how many bolts there were.
Oh Lord, take him now.
ANNOUNCER One minute to go in the game.
Here we go! The Celtics still have a chance to tie it up.
Brings the ball up Come on, guys.
Frasier I've just come from the beauty salon.
I asked them to do something a little different with my hair.
Then you actually went through with it? My darling, I'm, I'm all anticipation.
I've never seen you out, but with your by-now trademark chignon.
Thus the change.
What do you think, Frasier? It's hard to say.
You're laughing! I'm sorry, dear.
You're taking it all the wrong way.
You see, it was just the initial reaction of seeing you different and you know, now that I look at it again, it's Stop laughing.
You're hurting my feelings.
I'm sorry.
Your what? No, no, darling, please, please.
Look, give me another chance.
Another chance.
Please! Ten seconds to go, the Celtics down by two on their home court.
McHale's got the ball.
He goes up.
Yeah! He's in the clear.
Oh no! McHale blows the layup! And that's the game.
The Celtics lose.
Cleveland 102, Boston 100.
I've never seen Kevin play that poorly before in my life.
What was he doin" out there? I don't know.
I mean, he wasn't even looking' at the other players.
He was just staring' at the floor and moving his lips.
I think he was countin" the bolts on the floor.
No, come on.
He wouldn't do that in the middle of a game.
Hey, look, they're gonna interview Kevin.
Here's Glen.
This is Glen Ordway on the floor of the Garden.
We're gonna see if we can catch Kevin McHale, ask him a couple of questions and find out exactly what went wrong out on the floor here tonight.
Uh, here he comes right now.
Uh, Kevin, can I ask you a couple of questions? Hundred and nine, hundred and ten, hundred and eleven, hundred and twelve Now look what you've done! You have ruined him! You've ruined Kevin McHale! You took the scoring machine, one of Boston's greatest living sports legends and turned him into one of you! GUYS Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Cheers.
Yeah, Sammy, this is Kevin.
Hey, Kevin! Hey, Kevin McHale.
Hey, Kevin! Hey, Sammy, boy, I'm having a rough night.
Yeah, ooh, boy, we caught the game.
Yeah, you really stunk it up out there, huh? Hey, I saw you pitch.
You're not entitled to an opinion.
You know what it is, though it's those bolts.
I tell you, I can't get them out of my mind.
You know, I've called the people all over town, and no two people seem to have the same answer.
Sammy, it's driving me crazy.
Kevin, you, you got to take it easy with this.
I mean, bar trivia can eat you up, pal.
Kevin, it's not too late! Get help! Don't Honey, who's that? Just the guys down at Cheers.
My motive, of course, was to please Frasier.
But this evening, after dinner, he laughed so hard, cappuccino ran out of his nose.
Rebecca, you're a friend.
Does this permanent make my hair look utterly ridiculous? No, not at all.
I think it's a delightful change.
So do I.
Damn that Frasier! For a moment, he had me believing I was a laughingstock.
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
What're friends for? How can you just stand there, staring at that hairdo and not bust a gut laughing? No problem.
Hi, everybody! Hey, Kevin! How come you're not in bed, man? Oh, I couldn't sleep.
You got a big game tomorrow.
I don't care.
All I care about are those bolts.
So I ran out and got a set of blueprints to the Garden.
Find out how many bolts there are in that floor right now.
Wait a minute.
Where'd you get blueprints this time of night? Ah, I know somebody down at City Hall.
Kind of a sports legend in this town, huh? Oh, yeah? Yeah, all right.
Oh, hey, gee, there, I'm sorry, Kevin, but these are the blueprints for the new Garden that they're building.
No Yeah, yeah, you see, there should be a mailbox right there.
No, no.
Oh, give me that phone! I hope the mayor's still up.
Give me that phone.
No, no, no.
I don't think you should do that, man.
Don't do that.
Sammy, I'm telling you right now, I got to know.
I got to know.
I'm telling you, nothing, I mean nothing's going to stop me.
Good night, guys.
You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.
You're like vampires.
Big-butted, do-nothing vampires.
And, and now you're trying to make Kevin one of your recruits.
Well, I say it's got to stop.
I'm not going to let you screw up his career.
Oh, come on, lighten up, will you? It's just Kevin's getting a little carried away with bolts, that's all.
Yeah, sure, Sammy.
Today it's how many bolts are in the floor.
Tomorrow they'll have him onto "If the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes, who's going to eat who first?" Well, they'd probably eat the maid 'cause she ain't kin.
Well, you know, but if they're smart there, they'll ask her first how she should best prepare herself.
Stop it! All right, so what do we do? Well, we'll go down to the Garden and just count the bolts in the floor, so we can settle this thing and get Kevin back on his game.
All right? Well, how are we going to get in there, Sam? Don't they lock the Garden at night? Oh, hey, Woody, don't worry about those locks.
We can get past any one of them, with my trusty Swiss Army Knife.
Yeah, I got the big one with the, uh, tweezer-toothpick combo.
That's a beauty, Mr.
Yeah, thanks, Woody.
Yeah, every soldier in the Swiss Army owns one of these.
That's why nobody messes with Switzerland.
Yeah, I'd rather run buck naked through the neighborhood than be without this baby.
Why is that always the other option? Whoa, ho-ho! Are they on? Uh, yeah! Look at this, huh? Boston Garden.
I wake up this morning, thinking my life has no meaning, and now I'm standing here.
Yeah, it really, really kind of clears things up, doesn't it, Norm? No, I'm still pretty sure my life has no meaning, but I'm standing here.
Every part of this place is special to me.
It's sacred.
It's holy, you know, like a cathedral.
Think I'll rip a seat out and throw it in the back of my car, huh? Hey, wait a minute What? What? Forget that.
What? Hey, Mr.
Clavin, I have a question.
Yeah, fire away there.
Well, how can they play hockey in here there's no ice? Oh, the ice is, uh, right under the floor there, Woody.
It's under the floor right now? Absolutely! Why don't you, uh, pick one of these things up, have a look-see? Here, use my Swiss Army Knife.
Suppose anyone would mind if we shot a few hoops? Hey, where'd you get that? Out of the trunk of my car since last time I was at the gym.
Let's run the floor.
All right! Here we go! Here we go! When was the last time you were at the gym? I don't know.
I used to go to that one next door to Cheers.
There's no gym next door to Cheers.
Yeah, there was.
They tore it down.
They put up that bookstore.
There's no bookstore there either.
Oh, they tore that down and they put the bank there.
The bank's been there as long as I can remember.
Well, there you go.
Wow! Well, what have we here? Looks like plywood.
Oh, great! Hey, I can use the saw.
Oh, great, somebody's coming.
Woody, put, put, put the floor back.
Come on, let's go.
Woody, come on.
Hurry up.
What a day.
First Sammy gets me Kevin McHale's jacket.
Then I get to sneak around the Garden.
Even look at the plywood under the floor.
Now we're getting chased off by security guards.
I'm sorry, guys.
I never had a more beautiful day in my life.
Drinking alone? No.
Frasier asked to meet me to be here today.
He probably wants a few more boorish laughs at my hair's expense.
Well, if it's any consolation to you, I think that look does something for you.
Thank you.
I didn't say what.
Lilith? Uh, please, don't speak.
I've behaved abominably.
You had the courage to try something different in order to please me, and I've repaid you with mockery, which is unforgivable.
But I, I hope you can forgive me because I love you.
And I love your hair.
And no matter how you might change your outer appearance, you'll always be the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
Oh, Frasier! Thanks, Rebecca.
Oh, I better keep one.
There you go.
Yeah, McHale's playing a little better tonight, huh? Yeah, of course he is.
As soon as I told him how many bolts were in the floor, he just settled right into his game.
Wait a minute.
How could you tell him that? We never had a chance to count them.
Well, I just made up a number, you know.
I figure he'll never know the difference.
As long as it improves his game, you know, what's the harm? Right.
Sam, I have a question.
Not now, Woody, I'm, uh, watching the game here.
No, it's really important.
What? Well, say a guy removed the bolts from a piece of floor in a very important building.
Like, uh, I don't know, say, the Boston Garden.
And, and say a guard came, and he didn't have time to put the bolts back in the floor.
What would happen? You didn't put the bolts back in the floor, Woody? Oh, I knew you'd catch that.
I should of just been honest with you, Sam.
What should I do? Oh, relax, will you, Woody? For crying out loud, they got a crew there to check on everything before the game.
Yeah, I'm sure they just found the missing bolts and replaced them.
I mean, even if they don't, I mean, what are the odds of somebody hitting that spot exactly, huh? Bird passes to McHale.
McHale is in for it, stops short.
Oh, he's tripped on something! He's down! It looks like a piece of the floor came up.
That hurt just looking at it! Oh, no! I really did it this time.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't blame yourself, Woody.
It's my fault.
It was my birthday.
I'm the one who got him all interested in the bolts.
No, no, it's me who dragged us all out here in the middle of the night to go count bolts.
It was my fault.
Oh, never would've happened if I didn't have my Swiss Army Knife.
Guys, it was my fault.
I'm the one who took the bolts out of the floor.
He's right, you know.
That's true.
Why are we being so hard on ourselves? Yeah, you heard him admit that, didn't you? You guys, you heard it? Hey, Kevin, how are you feeling? Not too good, Woody.
I don't know what happened out there.
I must look like an idiot.
It was my fault.
How could it be your fault? I'm the clown that slipped and fell.
You're right.
You were.
You heard him, guys, let's get out of here.
Listen, we have a confession to make, Kevin.
Uh, when we came over here the other night to count the bolts, we kind of got carried away and kind of took some of the bolts out and then kind of forgot to put them back in.
You mean to tell me this really is your fault? I'm afraid so.
Boy, that figures.
With you guys, that really figures.
You know, I'll tell you what, though, I guess I can't stay too mad at you 'cause you finally solved that bolt question, you know.
We got another confession to make.
We kind of never got around to counting the bolts.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You trying to tell me, we still don't know how many bolts there are in that floor? Yeah, but what is the difference, man? You played a great game.
Yeah, but what about tomorrow's game? 1,216 McHALE: No, no, hold on.
I already counted that one.
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