Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Head Over Hill

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Cheers.
Uh, hang on a second, I'll check.
Yeah, the refrigerator's running.
Thank you for asking.
What? How could it possibly get away? No, a refrigerator doesn't have the power of movement.
Well, yeah, sure, I get it, but see, running the way you're using it c-can only mean working.
See, it's a it's what we call a homonym.
I'm sorry, too.
Boy, Mr.
Peterson, some people.
Well, you tried to explain the joke.
That's the problem.
# Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Hey, uh, Dr.
Crane, after you're done with that paper, can I have it? Well, actually, I planned on saving it, Woody.
See, there's an article here on the ins and out of buying diamonds and I was thinking of buying Lilith a brooch.
Oh, okay, uh see, I was wanting to clip the coupons 'cause I'm trying to make it to my next paycheck, but, uh, I don't want to cut up your article on jewels and diamonds.
Here's the paper, Woody.
You know, Lilith and I are actually making some economic concessions as well.
Well, for instance, I decided not to buy that new BMW.
Really? That's right.
So, uh, what are the coupons for? Food.
You know what? I'm going to stop talking now.
Top of the morning to you.
So, uh, how do you like my outfit there, Norm? Cliff, you're my friend.
I haven't judged you in the past and I'm not going to start now.
Hey, uh, listen up, everybody.
I've got an announcement to make here.
Yours truly has been selected by the USPS for a reenactment of the first mail delivery down the venerable Boston Post Road.
Yeah, I'm going to be, uh, riding a horse on the last leg from Hingham to the Central P.
O.
Yeah, that's why I'm dressed this way.
What way? Oh, you know, this, this crazy looking outfit.
Boy, are you splitting hairs today.
Cliffie, Cliff, you can't ride a horse.
You're afraid of horses.
How do you know? I know you're afraid of that little carousel in front of the market.
That was a safety concern, Norm.
Is that why you were screaming, "Stop, stop, we're all going to die"? I was concerned about the kids, Norm.
Is that so wrong? Boy, Cliff, I am so jealous.
I used to love horses.
You know, when I was a little girl, every weekend I would ride my pony, an-an-and I would feed my pony sugar cubes and little bits of chocolate and, and Snickers.
They really like that.
And sometimes I would give my pony some Snickers, and then I would eat some Snickers.
And then other times I would eat all the sugar cubes and the chocolate and the Snickers before I ever got to the stable.
And then one time my riding instructor told me I couldn't ride my pony anymore.
Why, Miss Howe? Well, he said that I had outgrown it.
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Well, I hope you'll all, uh, tune in tonight.
Uh, the, uh, local news is going to show my triumphant ride to the post office.
Yeah, it's a big moment for me.
Yeah, it's, it's a high point of my career.
No, it's a high point of my entire life.
Hey, why's Cliffie dressed like that? I forget.
Sa-am.
What are you doing down here, Hill? Hair Club For Men meeting? Oh, I didn't see you down there, Miss Tortelli.
Although frankly you do announce your presence.
So, have you decided what color you're going to dye your head for Easter? Why don't you just scuttle under the office door and get Sam? Sam, Hill's here! Don't tell me.
Pizza for lunch? Hi, John.
What's up? Sa-am, we have a problem.
You know, I got to be honest with you, John.
The way you pronounce my name really bugs me.
How would you like me to pronounce it? Sam, just Sam.
You try it.
Sa-am All right, John, uh what would you say if you were going to order a ham sandwich? I don't eat ha-am.
Never mind.
What, what do you want? My busboy informs me that the Dumpsters are full.
Our Dumpsters are full.
What's the big problem? Aha! They are not our Dumpsters.
They are my Dumpsters.
If that's confusing, perhaps I'll have a likeness of your face painted on the Dumpster with a bold line drawn through it.
In fact, I'll do that anyway just for a giggle.
Perhaps I'll have buttons made up.
I'll make it a whole thing.
Hey, Hill, you can't order us around like that.
Sammy can do anything he wants with his trash.
Yes, I see today he's dressed it up in an apron.
I guess you know all about dressing up, huh, Hill? Sam, if any more of your refuse is deposited in my Dumpsters, I'll have them emptied in the center of this bar, and if it happens again, I'll do something your customers will notice.
Can you believe that guy? Him and his niggling little nit-picking details.
I mean, who cares if I stick stuff in his Dumpster? Actually, Sammy, you know, Dumpsters are kind of expensive to maintain and empty.
He's been kind of generous to let you use them for so long.
After all, the guy's running a business.
Good point, Norm, good point.
Speaking of business, w- w-what do you think we ought to do about, uh, your bar tab here, hmm? We could throw it in our Dumpsters.
Hey, Miss Howe, Mr.
Hill put a lock on the Dumpster.
What should I do with this? Well, just set it down someplace.
All right.
Cliffie, you want to, uh, pass me the sports page, please? Mr.
Peterson, that's just a bag of garbage you're talking to.
Come here, Woody.
Maybe if we all cut Cliff a little bit of slack, he wouldn't be such a "bag of garbage," as you put it, okay? Do you believe that guy? He stuck a padlock on our Dumpsters.
You know, just once, just once I would like to do something to really stick it to him.
Sammy, forget about it.
You'll never beat that guy.
Hmm, you're right.
Who am I kidding? I'm no match for that guy.
He's too evil.
What am I thinking? Wha?! All this time, there's somebody in this bar who's so mean, so nasty, so full of hate that they could take on Hill in one second.
Well, I don't know, Sam, I'm kind of busy right now.
What about Carla? She can be pretty mean.
Good idea, Woody, good idea.
Carla, come here, I got a job for you.
Yeah, what do you want me to do? I want you to get even for me.
I want you to take all your meanness, all your nastiness, and unleash it on that knobby-headed weasel John Allen Hill.
You want I should make him cry? Yeah.
That's perfect.
Yeah, make the little man cry.
Yeah! Consider it done.
Yeah, right, now, how are you going to make him cry? You don't think I can make somebody cry? No, actually, I don't.
Maybe you're right.
Uh, say, Rebecca.
Mm-hmm? When you were a little girl, why did you stop riding that pony? Was it because you got too fat? Just too damned fat? So damned fat you broke the back of a horse? What's the matter, Becks? Your eyes seem a little shiny.
It's just an allergy or something.
If anybody needs me, I'll be in my office.
You know, I really like Cheetos, but, uh Orange fingers? I hate that, too.
At home I use a great big spoon.
I'll try that.
What's this? Oh, that's a flier that Mr.
Clavin wanted me to pass around to the customers.
Well, why didn't you? Because it's a flier that Mr.
Clavin wanted me to pass around to the customers.
We've had trouble in that area before.
"Tune in tonight "to catch letter carrier Cliff Clavin recreate "the historic first mail delivery on the Boston Post Road.
" "This is a proud moment for Cliff Clavin and every American.
" Hey, it's right now.
Let's tune in.
Oh, this is a great Barnaby Jones, though.
This is the one where he goes undercover as a swinger to solve a jewel heist.
Well, we'll, uh, flip back and forth.
All right.
The crowd here at the Central Post Office is waiting for letter carrier Clifford Clavin, who we understand is an award-winning equestrian.
Mr.
Clavin seems to be running late and his whereabouts are currently unknown.
In other news Ooh, I hope everything's okay with Cliffie.
So, uh, Barnaby's a swinger? Ha, wait till you see him.
He wears hip-huggers, gold chains, platform shoes.
Cheers.
Oh, yeah, hang on, just a second.
Hey, Mr.
Peterson, it's Mr.
Clavin.
Cliffie, where are you? I don't know, Norm, somewhere in the combat zone.
Naked! Naked! Naked! Hey, Norm, you got to come and get me.
This horse has got a mind of its own.
Whoa! Man Cliffie's in trouble.
I better go look for him.
Shoot, they never rerun this episode.
I don't think I've seen the ending of this one.
The jewels are in the dog's collar.
Oh.
Thank you, Phil.
Gee, Carla, you were up there with Hill a long time.
What happened? I don't want to talk about it.
Hey, what did you say to him? Just shut up and get out of my way, you stupid, dirt-eating farm boy! Ouch! I'd hate to be on the receiving end of that.
What is going on? In this bar? I don't ask.
Now, apparently you're upset over something.
Or not, I don't know you that well.
Carla, now just, just relax and try to breathe.
Just breathe.
All right, now is it out of your system? All right, now talk to us.
No, Carla! Carla! Carla, what has gotten into you? First of all, you have to promise to never repeat this to anybody.
I swear.
That goes without saying.
Okay.
I just did a really, really, really bad thing.
When I was up there with Hill, I just kind of lost control.
You didn't break something really expensive, did you? Oh, no, worse than that.
Did you hurt him? Worse.
Oh, no, did he have a heart attack? No, worse.
Oh, he's dead?! Oh, you guys! You don't get it! I didn't kill him.
I slept with him.
Yikes.
You had sex with Hill? John Allen Hill? Upstairs John Allen Hill? It was so crazy.
I marched into his office and I started calling him bald and wrinkled.
And he started calling me short and ugly.
And before I knew it, our clothes were off and we were insulting each other against the filing cabinet.
But Carla, I mean he is, he's a You know what I call him? The Bullet.
Carla, I, I believe I understand what happened.
You two have a classic attraction/repulsion relationship.
It's really a fairly common phenomenon.
People who are constantly at odds with one another very often have rivers of passion raging between them until one day the banks overflow in a torrent of unthinking, unreasonable emotion.
Plus the guy's practically a contortionist.
I can't believe I did this.
I betrayed Sam.
I went up there to take on his worst enemy, and I ended up having a nooner with him.
Oh, I just hope Sammy doesn't find out about this.
Oh, Carla, you're going to have to face Sam sooner or later.
He's bound to find out.
Yeah, Lilith's right.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Okay.
Well, I'll just catch Sam tonight when nobody else is around and I'll tell him the truth.
I'll tell him that what happened with Hill was a one-time thing and it'll never happen again.
Unless I accidentally catch a glimpse of those wiry, bantam legs of his.
Evening, everybody.
Norm! Hey, Mr.
P.
How goes the search for Mr.
Clavin? Not as well as the search for Mr.
Doughnut.
I found him every couple of blocks.
Poor Mr.
Clavin.
Who knows what happened to him.
I'm kind of worried about him, really.
Why don't you give me the phone? I'll check the hospitals or something, shouldn't I? Uh, Mass General? Hey, Normie, I got dish.
I'll call you back.
It's about Carla and that Hill upstairs.
Yeah? Spill it.
What? Eeww! Frasier, Frasier, did you hear about Carla and Hill? Did I hear? Who do you think told Paul? Wow, Carla and Hill.
I saw it coming.
You didn't have to be Kreskin.
Frasier, I cannot believe that you revealed what is essentially a professional confidence.
Sweetheart, did she pay you a dime? No.
Then why are we having this discussion? What's everybody talking about? Woody, when, uh, Carla went upstairs to, to see Hill today, she, uh well, they did the deed, you know what I mean? I'm not following you, Dr.
Crane.
Carla and Hill, they rocked each other's world.
They thumped.
What? They had sex.
Carla and Hill had sex.
What? Come on, Sam.
Even I got it that time.
Carla? Wh Are you all happy now? Your gossiping and rumor-mongering is resulting in a possible rift between Carla and Sam.
Rather than allow her the time and space to open up to Sam in her own good time, you all have been behaving like a gaggle of fishwives.
Well, hey, you blabbed first, girl.
Sammy, I don't know what to tell you.
I guess all the insults and the venom, and the blood hatred just kind of turned us on.
It's the old story.
Guess so.
Oh, Sammy, I let you down.
I slept with the enemy.
Please forgive me.
Please don't be angry.
No, I'm not angry.
It's just well, the way I see it, uh you let down the whole team.
It's like, you know, bottom of the ninth, one out, runner on first, you're up at bat.
Coach tells you to bunt.
Team expects you to bunt, the runner on first expects you to bunt, fans expect you to bunt.
But instead of bunting you sleep with John Allen Hill! No! No! Hey! Take it easy! You're supposed to forgive me.
How can I forgive you?! You slept with that evil, little dwarf! Is it my fault the guy is such a turn-on? Oh, stop oh, yuck, yuck! Oh, God! Stop it! Stop! I have never once said anything about anyone you have ever slept with! Oh, right! What about Diane?! Every morning you threatened to stick a hand grenade in her mouth and pull the pin! You hated her! I disapproved of her.
Oh, come on, Carla, you hated her! You hate everyone! That's not fair! Oh, right! I'm sorry, I forgot.
You don't hate John Allen Hill! That's it! That's it, thanks a lot for your forgiveness! I'm out of here! Oh, dear.
Sam.
What, Woody?! You're angry, aren't you? Yeah! I am! You're hurt.
You're down.
You're confused, aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
Yeah.
I was, too, the first time I made this mistake.
Just remember, the men's room is the second door on the left.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Cliffie, you're back.
You deliver that letter all right? Yeah, it took a little doing.
But I, uh, finally delivered it.
It was three hours late.
You know, but it turns out, that the, uh, original letter was three weeks late, so, uh, I was able to shave a little time off.
Where's Norm, Woods? He's out looking for you.
Oh, boy.
All right, I guess I'd better go find him.
Hey, look, it's that Cannon episode where he dresses up as a pimp to save the runaway.
Norm's a big boy.
He can take care of himself.
Naked! Naked! Naked! Excuse me, I'm, uh, looking for a guy wearing a funny costume, riding a horse.
Try the place two doors down.
Okay.
Freak.
Naked! Naked! Naked! Coming.
Coming.
Who is it? Sam.
Hey.
Hey.
How're you doing? Fine, and you? Fine.
So, uh, where are the kids? How should I know? It's only 1:30.
I, uh I came to apologize.
I blew up.
You know, you've got to know I didn't mean any of that stuff.
It's just ah, that Hill guy, man.
Something about him just makes me act crazy.
Nah, forget it.
I forgive you.
I know you didn't mean that stuff.
Oh, honey I just hope you can forgive me.
Oh, of course I can.
Come on, you don't think I'd let that stuff get in between us, do you? You're my best friend.
Oh, Sammy, you're my best friend, too.
Oh, I know what it's like.
It's probably just one of those things, right? Exactly, it was just one of those things.
Yeah.
I've been thinking about this.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
Tomorrow morning, I'm going to go up, I'm gonna talk to Hill calmly, you know, and ask him nicely, maybe I could use the Dumpster until I can buy one for myself.
I swear to God I'll do it bright and early.
Well, not too early, Sam.
I have a feeling I may be in a little late.
Okay, so it was just two of those things.