Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - A Fine French Whine

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
If you look on your left, you'll see the historic public garden, which in colonial days was used as a public grazing area for privately owned livestock.
On your right are some of the historic brownstones.
Oh, my God, step on it, Harry! He doesn't know what he's talking about! It's that know-it-all mailman! You wanna know the real I'll tell you the real story! The Clavins got here before the pilgrims! # Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# This damned headache.
I've had it all day.
I can't seem to shake it.
Oh, you know, those dilated veins there will just add to your discomfort there, Doc.
On the other hand, there is a possibility that what you have is not a headache at all but rather an earwig that's crawled into your auditory canal while you were asleep and who is at this very moment, uh, chewing its way through your cerebral cortex.
Sam, may I have a glass of water, please? I I'll just take another aspirin.
That ought to do it.
Frasier, hold it, I know just the thing.
I'm really good at massage.
Just sit down, relax There how is that? I didn't get any water.
Carla, can I ask you a favor? No, Woody, I'm not going to work for you this afternoon.
I've already taken over your schedule for the past couple of days, and I'm sick of it.
You can just tell your girlfriend you'll see her after work.
Well, actually, I was gonna ask if you could get off my foot.
Oh.
Speaking of shifts, Sam, uh, can I leave early? Kelly hates it when I'm late for a date.
Henri doesn't care for it much, either.
Henri? That slick French make-out artist always trying to grab other people's women with some phony line? Yeah, that's the guy.
I always liked that guy.
Yeah, well, Kelly likes him, too.
He goes on every date with us.
Yeah, well, just as long as he's stopped making those jokes about stealing Kelly from you.
He has? Why didn't you tell me sooner, Sam? No, no.
I hate those jokes.
No Woody, I don't know that he has, I was just asking.
Oh.
Hey, Sam, I hear you're getting a big refund from the IRS.
I am? Two can play that little game, Sam.
Oh, there you are, my poor darling.
And you've still got your headache, haven't you? Oh, I can see it's gotten worse by those tiny little pressure wrinkles around your eyes.
Maybe that's just fatty tissue.
It'll go away.
Oh, no, no, once you get those fat bags, they're there to stay.
Describe the pain to me.
Is it a sharp, stabbing pain? Is it a dull ache? Is it a pressure headache? Or is it a throbbing headache, one that just pounds and pounds and pounds and pounds Lilith, if you don't stop it, my head is going to explode all over this bar! All right! Hey, Paul, get out here! Frasier, I'm concerned.
I think it's time we tried alternative medicine.
No, no, I am not going to wear a crystal or dissolve herbs under my tongue or listen to some aging hippie playing the whale flute.
That's not why I went to college, although, when I went to college, I did all those things.
I'm talking about acupuncture.
No, never! It's worked for thousands of years.
The Chinese people have been practicing it since the Stone Age.
Why do you insist on closing your mind to such a time-honored remedy? 'Cause it'll hurt! I'm calling Dr.
Lee.
How's your headache, Frasier? Oh, fine.
She's into alternative medicines these days.
Hey, Henri.
Kelly.
Woody, I have a riddle for you.
How long will it take for me to steal your girlfriend? I give up.
Then it won't take long at all.
Such an operator, it makes me sick.
Yeah, it makes me mad just to look at him.
Hello, fellows! Hey, Henri, how you doing? Hey, Henri, how are you doing? Sam, how is my favorite American chaser of women? No, I'm not doing that anymore, Henri.
You know, I I've reached that point in my life where my priorities are beginning to shift.
I think I want to settle down and raise a family.
Ooh, that's a good line.
Does it work? No, no, no, I'm I'm really serious about this, Henri.
I I'm gonna go through with this.
Sammy, don't worry, I will not steal your precious line.
No.
You you gotta understand Hey, Henri.
I've got a letter here for you looks important.
I even had to sign for it and everything.
Henri, why are you getting your mail here? Because I feel this is my second home, and sometimes I get letters postage due.
Oh, mon dieu.
Oh, no.
What is it? Oh, this is terrible.
Henri's visa has expired, and he has to leave the country in two days.
Help me out with the "terrible" part.
I am being kicked out, just because I am not a citizen and I have no job and I have no prospect for a job and I have no wish for a job.
Wait a minute, they can kick you out of the country for that? No, no, relax, you you were born here.
God bless America.
Hey, amen.
Oh, I will miss this great country.
I have been in love with it ever since I got my first glimpse of that big, beautiful woman in the harbor.
Ah, yeah, Lady Liberty.
She told me her name was Kiki.
Oh, Woody, isn't this the worst news ever? Aren't you gonna miss Henri? Yeah, it's the worst news I've ever heard.
Hey, Henri, sorry to see you go don't be a stranger.
Woody Boyd, why are your hands behind your back? Are you making crossies? Well, if I was making crossies, then I could tell you that I wasn't, and I still wouldn't be lying, so, Kelly, no, I'm not making crossies.
Oh, Woody.
Stop it, Kelly, I hate it when you yell at me.
I don't think you know how much Henri loves this country, and for you to stand there and act happy that poor Henri is leaving.
Well, that's just Kelly, try to control yourself, this is a public place.
Oh, Kelly, do not be angry with Woody.
I have not always played fair with him.
Ah, well, maybe in another time, in another place, we could have been friends.
Oh, gee, Henri.
Yes, I will miss America, but you know, Woody, I will miss you most of all, because to me, you are America.
You are what this country is all about, and now I will never see it or you again.
Adieu.
What kind of a country is it that kicks a guy like him out and lets a guy like me stay? I'll tell you what country U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! Hey, Woody, what you doing? Well, now that Henri's going back to Europe Yeah? I can finally be alone with Kelly.
I can look her in the eyes and let all my feelings pour out spontaneously.
Yeah.
I have them written down on these cards.
When I ask Kelly to marry me, I want to get it right.
I better put these in my hiding place.
Well, how come you have to hide them? Carla got a hold of them once.
You should have seen what she had me saying on card nine I couldn't even pronounce it.
Oh.
Give me a boost, Sam.
Oh, hold on.
Here we go.
All right.
All right.
Okay, I got it.
Hey, look, here's my wallet.
I left this thing up here six months ago.
See, I never even thought to look up there.
All right, I can drive again! Oh, God.
Ah, that headache's still bothering you, huh, Fras? Oh, yes.
Yep.
What do those things feel like, anyway? You've never had a headache, Norm? I don't think so.
How how do you get one? Oh, it's a variety of reasons.
Usually stress or tension.
Hmm? Job-related anxieties, day-to-day pressures.
Come again? It's like, um when you eat ice cream too fast.
Oh, I hate that.
Frasier, I've got Dr.
Lee outside.
Lilith, I thought I made it perfectly clear that I will not submit to acupuncture! Well, then, perhaps you'll allow the doctor to practice acupressure, a simple massage using the body's pressure points.
No, I'm not having some spooky quack practice the mysteries of the Orient on my body! Well you know, Lilith, perhaps I'm being a bit too Eurocentric.
Right this way, Dr.
Lee.
So, I understand you're having a little problem with headaches? Oh, yes.
You are going to, um warm the oil, aren't you? Hello, Woody.
Woody, you are so sweet to see Henri off.
Well, that's just the way I was raised.
So, Henri, what time does your plane leave American airspace? Yeah, personally, I say good riddance.
Yeah? Yeah, then the charms of the French have always been lost on me.
I mean, when W.
W.
Three rolls around, they'd better not come to old Cliff Clavin to pull their fromage out of the fire, no, siree! I've got plans.
Yeah, when those missiles start flying, I'll be in a fully stocked-up, juiced-up Winnebago, heading at 65 per, armed to the teeth, right to the border of Mexico.
Yes, sir.
Those cockroaches and Cliff Clavin are gonna do just fine, thank you.
What a wonderful civilization you'll build.
Amen.
Gee, Henri looks so sad.
Oh, he's been like this all day.
I've tried to snap him out of it, but nothing worked.
We even played that game he invented: "Shower Rescue.
" It is no use.
Oh, Henri, I wish there was some way we could fix things so you could stay.
Well, there's not.
It's too bad let's get going, Henri.
Well, there is one way, but it's it's too much to ask.
Oh, come on, Henri, tell me.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It would require some individual to make a great sacrifice.
Well, we'd better get to the airport.
You only got six hours.
Stop it, Woody.
Henri is trying to tell me something.
Hey, you know what they say, "first luggage on, first luggage off.
" It was nothing.
Uh, just a crazy idea that I could find some American citizen to marry me and thereby allow me to remain in your beautiful country.
What a foolish dreamer I am.
Okay, we better get Henri to the airport.
Let's bring the car around.
Un, deux, trois Henri, I just had a great idea! Really? You could marry me! Oh! Kelly, how can you do this? How can you marry Henri? Woody, it's just a little trick so he can stay in the country.
It's nothing serious.
Exactly.
We'll get married, go on our honeymoon, come back and get divorced.
We're going on a honeymoon?! Oh, goody! Oh, yes, we have to.
The immigration people are very thorough.
Sometimes they even bug the honeymoon suite to see if you are faking.
Only you will not be faking.
Kelly, I'm telling you, I don't like this idea.
Really? No, not one bit.
Sorry, Henri, but I guess I can't marry you because my boyfriend won't let me.
Very well.
I I understand.
Woody loves you very, very much.
So much that he is willing to snatch away my one chance to remain in my adopted homeland.
# Oh, beautiful # # For spacious skies # They really are spacious, you know! Look at him, Woody.
Please let me marry him! Please, please, please! Forget it.
Kelly, I- I love you, and I don't want to see you with another man.
I- I forbid you to marry Henri.
Well, Mr.
Woody Boyd, the mask has certainly come off.
If you're so small-minded that my marrying another man makes you take a rude tone of voice maybe you're not the man I want to marry right after I marry this man.
Come on, Henri, we're leaving.
Kelly, if you open that door, that's it, it's over.
All right, Kelly, if you go up those steps, it is really over.
Kelly, if you keep walking down Beacon Street and take the left on Charles, it's over! What the hell was that? You've never heard your husband groan? Oh, what a shock! I'm sure Frasier is benefiting from an especially thorough massage.
Oh! Oh.
Oh! Oh! Sam, could I ask you a favor? Sure.
Would you discreetly pop your head into your office and casually determine what's taking them so long? I would do it myself, but Frasier always says I'm so smothering.
Yeah.
No problem, honey.
Relax, Lilith.
Everything's fine.
Norm, Cliff, get in here.
I wonder what that was all about.
Uh, Paul? I got 50 bucks says he passes out before she gets to 100.
Oh.
I got, uh, ten that'll cover that.
All right.
I'm in.
Excuse me.
That's my husband you're wagering over.
Put me down for 20.
So, what'll you have, Kelly? Oh, nothing.
I'm just here waiting for Woody.
I really have to make up with him.
I just feel like my whole life has come crashing down around my ears.
Uh-huh.
There's a five dollar minimum.
Kelly.
Woody, I'm so sorry.
Well, I'm sorry, too, Kelly.
We should have never had that terrible fight.
It was all my fault.
Well, at least we're back together.
Now let's never fight again, even if we have genuine disagreements.
Woody, I don't think you and I will ever disagree on anything again.
Well, I've got to go.
Where are you going? To City Hall to marry Henri, Mr.
Forgetful.
I'll call you after the wedding.
Love you.
You okay? Sam, have you ever loved a woman who was on her way to marry someone else? Well, once in the back of a limo, but I'm not proud of it.
What am I supposed to do? Aren't you tired of letting that guy walk all over you? Well, yeah, but Well, then, go stop the wedding, man.
Give her that speech you've been practicing.
You're right, Sam.
Out of my way, everybody.
I'm going to bust up a wedding.
All right, Wood.
And ask Kelly to marry me instead.
There you go Give me a boost, Sam.
Yeah, all right, there you go.
Okay.
Just a little higher, Sam.
Okay, I got 'em.
Let me down.
Okay.
Here we go.
Let me down, Sam.
I did.
What-What are you doing, man? You holding on there? No, I must be stuck.
Well don't panic here.
We-We'll get you down.
All right.
Uh, let me let me climb up there and see what's going on.
No, no, Sam, there's no time! Go break up that wedding! Go-Go ahead! Uh, Carla? Yeah? Just help him out there, will you? Aah! Oh! Ow! I'm telling you, Paul, you got to get out here! And so, by the authority vested in me, by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts Wait, wait, wait, wait! I here Stop, stop! Hey, they don't love each other.
This wedding's a sham! Oh, I-I'm sorry.
It's the wrong wedding.
No, it's the right wedding.
I don't love you.
I never have, and I never will.
Anyhoo And so, Kelly and Henri, by the authority vested in me by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I now pronounce you Whoa! All right, all right, all right, hey, whoa.
Sam, what are you doing here? I- I Well, I'm here, because there's a certain guy who loves you very much, honey, a lot more than Henri ever could, and someone I think that you have overlooked.
Well, sure, Sam, there's always been a spark between you and me.
It's understandable, honey.
Just pre-wedding jitters.
It happens to everybody.
Now, you ready to go on? I think so.
Very well, then.
Friends, we are gathered here today to Stop this wedding! She doesn't love him! It's a disgrace! Aw, now, come on! He's right.
They're all right.
Let's face it it won't work, and the whole world knows it! Sorry.
So, you see, Kelly, when I said that someone was in love with you, see, I wasn't referring to me.
Woody is the person I'm talking about.
You see, he's the guy who loves you.
Oh, I get it.
Yeah.
I love him, too, Sam.
Oh, there you go.
Thanks, Sam.
Well, Henri, you ready to marry me? Friends, we are gathered here today to join this man Would the bride and groom please turn around?! All right, stop this wedding! Woody! Kelly, you can't go through with this.
I can't let you marry Henri.
Woody, we've been through this a million times.
It's just so Henri won't get deported.
Oops! You're wrong, Kelly.
He's using you.
He-He wrote that letter himself.
He's not going to be deported.
He-He's just trying to steal you away from me.
How did you figure that out? You mean, I'm right? Wow! Score one for the Indiana school system.
I am sorry, Kelly.
I was trying to take you away from Woody and have my way with you and divorce you and take half your money.
Can you ever forgive me? Oh, I can't stay mad at you, you silly.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a second here, wait a second.
You telling me this whole thing was just so you could steal somebody's girl away from him? Yes.
Oh, man, that's beautiful.
That's beautiful.
Ah, oh, that's great, man.
Let me ask you something here, you know.
When you're in the middle of a trick like this, now is there just one part of you that-that feels a little bit guilty? Oh! I thought you'd like that.
You know, I have to tell you, man, it's nice to be around somebody who finally gets this kind of stuff.
I hope you're not upset with me, Woody.
Heck, no, Kelly.
In fact, I got something I want to say to you.
How do you pronounce this? Oh, darn that Carla.
All right, well, I'll just have to wing it.
Kelly, uh We've been going out for a lot of years now, and I love you, and you love me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
What I'm trying to say is will you marry me? Of course I'll marry you, Woody.
Oh, Kelly, you've made this the happiest day of my life! Mine, too.
I know I forgave Henri and everything, but I'm still a little miffed at him.
I can't believe anybody would pull such a dirty trick just to get a girl.
So two complete strangers break in and tell us not to get married! Why should we care? Honey, c-could we at least go steady? It happened to you, too? Yeah, twice.
We've got to get locks for those doors.
Uh, so you see, our visas have just expired, and, uh, we are going to be deported.
Oui.