Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Go Mate

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
A little bit more to the left there, Woody.
Yeah, ah, perfect.
Good, good.
How's that? Nice.
A little bit more to the right, Wood! Yeah.
Ah, ah, ah.
Yeah.
Good! There you go! How's that? Perfect! Well, about six or eight inches more to the right there, Wood! How's that? Yeah, perfect.
You guys ain't even close.
Uh, you know, I think maybe we need a- a taller building.
What about the Prudential Tower? Perfect! See you over there.
# Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Good afternoon, all! Shut the door! Why? To keep out the bitter cold.
Too late.
She got in.
Oh, I sense the mood of the bar.
You're all suffering from the winter blues, the shortened daylight hours, the cold numbing weather, the bleak sense of isolation.
It's what we in the psychiatric profession call, the jackpot! Frasier and I have a wonderful plan to lift our spirits.
What, are you gonna buy some toys and canned goods and hand 'em out to underprivileged kids? Well, no.
We're checking into a luxury hotel for a getaway weekend, just the two of us.
Oh.
Well, that'll make some bellboys happy.
So, aren't you gonna bring the kid? Well, we would, but we find that we make better parents if we occasionally take a break from our parenting responsibilities.
Hey, you don't have to justify it to me.
You know, my parents ran off for a year with the Pentecostal caravan.
Oh, sure, they called once in a while, but they were speaking in tongues.
Yeah.
It was just by chance that they came back at all.
Sam! What are you doing?! I'm working.
What does it look like I'm doing? Well, excuse me, but this is the 12th! Yeah.
Well, I work on the 12th.
Well I ovulate on the 12th! How was I supposed to know that? We all knew it.
It's in the newsletter.
Sam, just finish up whatever you're doing, and let's get pregnant.
Boy, that's what I like about Rebecca.
She's just an old-fashioned girl, isn't she? Mmm.
You cannot order me to perform! I don't want to have sex with you, okay? No sex.
Who said that? I don't believe this.
If we don't do it now we have to wait a whole month! I'm not in the mood, all right? Who's saying these things? Sam, what is wrong with you? I don't know.
Boy, you two sure argue a lot for two people who aren't in love but want to have a baby.
I mean, I don't know, maybe that's normal for two people who aren't in love but want to have a baby.
I wouldn't know.
I've never known anyone who wasn't in love but wanted to have a baby.
Woody, shut up! Hey, don't get me caught in your sick web.
Come here, come here, hey, just-just relax.
Remember what the doctor said? You know, how stress can keep you from conceiving.
Well, all-all we do nowadays is fight.
Oh, shut up! No, you shut up! No, you shut up! You shut up! Shut me up! Shut up! This is what I'm talking about.
This is stress.
Oh, yeah? Well, you've got ten minutes to get yourself together and get your bad attitude in order and get over to my place and we're gonna make a cute little baby! I hate her.
Now, at 2:00, we have a choice between a sumptuous high tea and a relaxing Swedish massage.
Ah, 2:00.
Right about then I'll be jumping into my mail truck, ripping off my shoes and trying to save my toes from frostbite.
Hey, nobody held a gun to your head and said, "Be a mailman.
" Frasier, we have a problem.
I've just gotten off the phone with Frederick's teacher, who informs me that your son has come down with a case of chicken pox.
No! I'm not giving up my nonrefundable getaway weekend! Frasier, your child is ill.
Oh, you're right, of course you're right.
I'm-I'm ashamed.
And deservedly so.
Shall we? I'm on my way.
Well, friends, I've discovered a new way of getting over the winter blues.
Instead of enjoying a luxury weekend being coddled in a four-star hotel, I'll be bathing an itchy, whiney two-year old in oatmeal.
Say, Fras, uh, you know, if you have trouble getting rid of that reservation, I sure know a couple who've been under a lot of stress and fighting a lot lately, and, you know, they could benefit from a, a nice weekend in a hotel.
Thanks for thinking of us, Sammy.
Yeah.
Listen, uh, I just got to run home and get my travel iron real quick.
I'm not talking about you guys.
I'm talking about me and Rebecca.
Yeah, stupid.
You should have thought of that.
You made the same mistake, pal.
Boy, we-we really could have used that weekend.
Come on, what do you say, huh? Please? Oh, all right.
Here, take the room.
Conceive your child.
Go make.
Well, yeah, doesn't it at least make you feel better knowing somebody's having fun? No.
I know it sounds petty, but frankly I, I can't think of anything that would make me feel worse.
Uh, Frasier, dear, I can't remember.
Have you ever had the chicken pox? Oh! I can always think of something that would make him feel worse.
Hey, everybody.
Woody, uh, set me up with a beer, will you? Well, aren't you gonna finish your mail route, Mr.
Clavin? Are you kidding? There's too much snow and sleet out there.
Besides it's getting a little dark.
I don't blame you, Cliff, I hate going out in this weather.
Hmm.
Yeah, you guys are a bunch of whining, complaining weenies.
What, you like this weather? Oh, is that the topic? Well, are we gonna let this weather defeat us? Or are we gonna fight back? Hey, I'm with you, Doc.
So what shall we do? Hey, you guys ever hear of something called the Polar Bear Club? Uh Well, it's great.
We used to do it all the time where I grew up.
Bunch of guys get in their cars.
They drive down to the ocean.
They strip down to their skivvies and they run right into the water.
Uh, I was thinking more of a, uh, belching contest.
Oh, I don't know, uh, loudest or longest? Fine.
Fine, but you guys don't know what you're missing.
Now, when we were kids we didn't care if it was January or February, we just jumped in that ocean and swam.
It felt great.
It was like we scored one against winter.
Hey, if it's good enough for Mr.
Krapence.
Well, are we up to it, men? All right.
Well, uh, well, it's one of the earthly thrills I haven't tried yet.
Let's do it! GUYS Polar Bear! Polar Bear! Polar Bear! Polar Bear! Polar Bear! Polar Bear! Polar Bear So, Paul, where were you brought up? Honolulu.
Whoa! Three bucks for a lousy pack of gum.
Sam, get away from the honor bar.
Honor bar.
Oh.
Hey, sweetheart, what do you think? If it's a boy, we name it Sam? Oh, I don't know.
You know, I always thought that naming your child after yourself was like saying you want him to grow up to be just like you, to like the things you like, to act the way you do.
Okay, Sam it is.
Yeah.
Sam.
You know something, Dad? I really like my name.
Thanks, Sam.
Beautiful evening, isn't it? Oh, sure is, Dad.
Say, how's that paper route coming? Just fine, Dad.
Before long, I'll have enough saved up to buy that baseball glove.
Ah! Tell me again what it was like when you were in the major leagues, Dad.
Oh, come on, you must be getting tired of hearing that.
How could I ever get tired of hearing about you, Dad? I'm coming.
Whoa.
Hope it's not the honor bar police.
Oh! I'm sorry.
Wrong room.
I went out to get some stuff for the kids, and I guess I got lost.
I'm sorry about that.
Oh, yeah, excuse me, if you don't mind me asking, uh, how many kids you got? Three boys.
Wow.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah.
How long have you been married? Wow.
Hey, listen, uh, you don't have any advice for a guy who's about to start his family, do you? Well, you know, it's, like it's no big secret what you need to start a happy family.
Love! You know, if a man and woman really love each other, they pass that love onto the kids, and they'll grow up strong and healthy.
Yeah, well, I mean, I know love's okay and everything, but, uh, you know, what about, uh, those other important things like friendship and a sense of humor? A sense of humor? Yeah.
What's that gonna get you? I mean, look at Martin and Lewis.
They had a sense of humor.
But were they happy? No, they weren't.
No, because it takes love.
You've got a lot of that, huh? Me? No, I can't stand my missus.
It's been 20 years of living hell for me.
Hey look, it's Dad.
What's the matter? Can't you even find your way back to the room, you stupid idiot.
Those are the kids.
Come on, Dad, move your fat ass, and give me 50 bucks for the arcade.
On my good days, I, uh, pray for death.
Good luck to you, son.
You're gonna need it.
Eh.
I bet that wouldn't have happened if he'd named one of his kids Sam.
Yeah, Sam.
So how's that paper route coming? Oh, I've been saving up.
Why don't we pull over here to this market, and I'll run in and buy us a soda.
My treat.
Great idea, son.
I'll be right back.
Okeydokey.
He's got that Malone swagger.
Floor it, Dad! Why, what happened? I robbed the store! But why? I had to do something to make up for the lack of love between you and Mom.
Now move your fat ass, you stupid idiot! Why'd you two even have a kid anyway? Well, we sort of thought it'd be fun.
Fun? I'll show you fun.
Oh, no, no! I got one! Boy, did you see that guy's head explode? Whoa, these hollow point bullets are great! Hey, everybody! I'm little Sammy Malone! And my dad was a Major League pitcher! And he didn't love my mother! Oh! Okay, Sam, I give in.
If it's a boy, we can name him Sam.
Sam? Sam? Sam? Oh, oh! Oh! Here we go, darling.
I'm sorry.
I hope I didn't ruin the moment.
Just, I was standing out in the hall naked.
The door slammed shut, and I didn't have any place else to go.
Anyway, if you if you could just loan me a robe, I I can wait back out in the hall.
No, no, there's a robe you can use in the bathroom.
Larry will go look for what's his name Sam? Sam.
Sam oh, you can't miss him.
He's a big galoot with a lantern jaw.
Have you ever been naked in a hotel hallway? The sailors just come out of the woodwork.
Don't worry, miss, I'll find him and come right back.
See, I was in the bathroom taking a bath, and I-I was talking to Sam, but he wasn't really even listening to me.
I mean, I-I guess he decided to go down to the store and get some gum or something.
I don't know, and it was it was like he he didn't even know that I was alive.
Boy, you sure look beautiful.
Oh! Look at all these flowers.
Oh, my boy, you must have a huge family.
No, those are all from my guy.
Isn't he sweet? Wow.
Well, mine's down right now, getting me some, uh, gum I think.
How long have you and Sam been married? Oh, actually, we weren't even plan Six months.
Excuse me.
Hello? Oh, hi, honey.
It's my husband.
He's already down in the lobby? No, he's calling me from the elevator phone just to tell me he loves me.
It's supposed to be just for emergencies.
Oh, you are so sweet.
Oh, you're the perfect couple, aren't you? Oh, I bet you had a beautiful wedding.
Oh, well, all weddings are nice.
Wasn't yours? Oh, yeah.
We had, you know, lots of flowe and we had a lot of people came in a lot of people from out of town.
If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm just gonna wait outside in the hall.
Oh, hi.
Um, there's a bellboy waiting outside your room with a passkey.
Okay.
Sorry I couldn't find your husband.
But look what I did find! Oh, a bunny! You have the sweetest lips in the whole wide world, honey! Mmm, you've got the sweetest lips in the whole wide world, honey.
Knock-knock! The little woman is home.
Hey! What are you barging in here for? You forgot to hang the sock on the door.
That's because I didn't want to take it off.
It was cold.
They turned the heat off.
Oh, yeah, they turned the heat off 'cause you forgot to pay the bill, pal! What was I supposed to pay it with love? Oh shut up.
No, you shut! You shut! Shut Shut up! Shut! Come on, Sam, get her out of here.
I'm ovulating.
Oh, that's great.
You couldn't tell me Come on, scooch, honey.
I've got my chores to do.
Yeah, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on.
Oh, Sam, come on, hurry up, let's make a baby! Let's go in the other room and do it! This is the other room.
Oh God! Why are we so poor and miserable? Well, honey, we may be poor and miserable, but at least we can live on love! You shut up! Oh, you shut up! No, you shut up! Shut me up! Shut up! Shut up! Don't you use that word "love.
" Love has nothing to do with this relationship! I will use any word I want in this house! Love! Love, love, love, love, love, love, love! You foul-mouthed barren tramp! Half man! Half man! Enough foreplay for you? Yeah.
Turn off the light.
I've got a poker game on that table in five minutes.
You'd better make it quick.
Oh, yeah, that's gonna be tough with you.
Hey, shut up! You shut up! You shut up! Shut! Shut! Shut up! Could you leave now? Oh, sure.
Hey.
Why aren't you home watching your scabby kid? My mother's come into town to help take care of him.
So I thought I'd steal a few moments and come here and relax with my husband.
He's not here.
Better yet.
Where is my husband, anyway? Oh, uh, some of the guys went to do something, and he went along.
I suppose if they all went to jump off a cliff he'd do that, too.
I, didn't think of that, but it probably would have worked.
Polar Bear! Polar Bear! Polar Bear! Hey, so you guys went for your little swim? Yeah, well, we drove down there, you know, we jumped into our bathing suits, uh raced each other along the beach our feet hit the water And you chickened out, right? Yeah, well, we prefer to think of it as coming to our senses just in time to save our goodies.
So none of you guys had the guts to go through with it, huh? Well, uh, one of us did.
Just a few more steps, Dr.
Crane.
Darling, are you all right? What did he say? Sounded like "oil can.
" Here, this should help warm you up.
It must have been a terrifying experience.
Oh! It was positively surreal.
First, the cold water hitting me like an electric shock dragging me down like a palpable force.
And then when I was crawling back onto the beach, it kept at me, as though, for all the world, someone was actually pushing me back into the frozen water.
Told you it wasn't funny.
Where have you been, Sam? Just, uh, went for a walk, you know, to get some fresh air and everything.
So ready to make the baby? Sure I am, if you are.
Oh, you are? Uh, well, yeah.
All right, good.
Let's let's, get to it here.
Okay.
Okay, let's, let's, uh, let's make that baby.
There's something wrong isn't there, Sam? Uh, yeah, there's something I want to say and I-I I've been walking around trying to figure out how to say it and I, I guess the only thing to do is just, say it.
Sam, I don't love you.
I'm not gonna have your baby.
It would be a big, stupid mistake.
What? What were you gonna say? Well, the same thing, but a much nicer way.
You were? Yeah.
I mean, you know, if we don't love each other, how can we raise a kid? That's right! Because it wouldn't be fair to the kid.
I agree.
I mean, I mean, all we've talked about is how much we want a baby.
We, we, we.
We never even thought about about how it would be for a baby to have us.
I agree.
I mean, I think we got to call the whole thing off.
Oh, I agree! I can't believe this! This is the first thing we've agreed about since the whole baby thing came up.
I agree! Oh, Sam I love you! Oh, I love you, too! I mean, I don't "love you," love you.
No, I don't "love you," love you, either.
And Sam, we can still have kids, just not with each other.
Yeah.
Mm.
Mm-mm.
I'm sorry.
Old habit.
That's right, we're just friends.
Yeah.
Actually friends don't open their mouths.
Oh.
Old habit.
See you at work tomorrow.
Yeah.
Bye-bye.
Sam, what's happening? See you in a couple years, Dad.
Sam? Where are you going? Sam? You rotten kid! Now listen, bring back my wallet! You're beginning to waddle!