Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - No Rest For the Woody

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
SAM Hi.
This is Cheers.
Leave a message at the beep.
Norm, this is Vera.
Please pick up.
Norm! Norm? Hi.
This is Cheers.
Leave a message at the beep.
Norm, I know you're there.
Pick up the phone, Norm.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
I want you to come home.
Norm? Norm! Hi.
This is Cheers.
Leave a message at the beep.
Hi, Sam.
This is Vera Peterson again.
Listen, uh, ignore those messages.
It turns out Norm was here in bed next to me the whole time.
And I thought that big lump was our dog.
Who knew? # Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# That's it.
The furnace is definitely out.
Any luck trying to get through to the repairman? No, it's still busy.
Well, why don't you try calling someone else? What kind of manager are you if you can't handle a simple problem like that? Sam, these are the only people in Boston who can service that Guatemalan furnace you bought on sale.
Oh.
Keep trying.
It's ringing.
Hello? Hi, there.
Uh, yes, our furnace is on the blink.
Um, it's the Little Diablo model, the grey one.
It's a full duct, forced-air model.
Huh? Um, let's see 55,000 BTUs.
BTUs.
Well, how do I know what that stands for? You're the Guatemalan! Carla, good news.
I've, uh, given a lot of thought, and I've decided to offer my employees a, uh, group medical plan.
Oh, man, that's great, Sammy, Yeah.
What changed your mind? Oh, it's the right thing to do.
You guys need it, you deserve it it's important to you.
Plus, they passed some kind of law.
All right, the thing is fellows, listen up.
To qualify for the group rate, I need one more person to sign on.
Thank God, Sam.
You don't know what it's like to walk around uninsured, knowing you might get hit by a bus or need an operation, and they'd take your house and your, your savings, and that might not even be enough.
You saved my life, Sam.
Actually, Paul, I was kind of thinking of offering it to Norm.
Hey, congratulations, Norm.
Woody, why do I have to have this bag on my hand? It's for the grand unveiling.
Hi, Kelly.
Why do you have that bag on your hand? It's to cover up the beautiful engagement ring that Woody just bought me.
Oh, way to be anticlimactic, Kelly! There, ta-dah.
Wow, what a beauty! So, uh, what's going on over here, you guys, huh? Yeah, we saw Kelly coming in with a bag on her hand.
Yeah, it's for the grand unveiling of her engagement ring.
Oh, damn.
We thought there was gonna be a puppet show.
Well, I've got to get going, Woody.
I'm meeting my lawyer about the prenuptial agreement.
Bye.
You, you guys have a prenuptial agreement? Sure.
Oh, I love her, but I'm not stupid.
God forbid, things don't work out.
I don't want to lose half my stuff.
Good thinking, Woody.
So, uh, Wood, that's a nice ring.
Have her parents seen it yet? No.
They will in a couple days.
They're gonna throw us an engagement party.
A party! Oh, cool! Her grandmother's even coming all the way from Florida.
She's kind of the head of the family.
From what I hear, she's pretty scary.
She's bossy, mean and tough as nails.
You wouldn't want to mess with her.
Yeah? Bet you my ma could take her.
Gloves or bare fists, open hand, closed hand, I don't care.
Well, I've drawn up a list of names of the people I want to invite to the party.
The only problem is, I only get to invite a few.
Where do you draw the line? Well, Woody, something that Lilith and I find helpful when we plan a party is to simply start at the bottom of the list, and eliminate the least desirable.
Okay.
Cranes are out.
Thanks, Dr.
Crane.
That was helpful.
So, uh, Woodso, how much did your ring set you back? Well, they say when you buy an engagement ring, you're supposed to spend the equivalent of six months salary, but it looked kind of naked without a diamond in it.
So how much we talking? Over a grand or what? Well, the salesman said that it's bad luck for the couple to know how much the ring cost.
Woody, how are you gonna afford that on your salary? Don't worry, Sam.
I'm getting a night job.
You, you're gonna go do another job after you leave here at 2:30 in the morning? Yep! Graveyard shift.
Where? Graveyard, Sam.
Gee whiz, say good night, Gracie.
Maintenance sticker? I don't know.
It's pretty dark in there.
All right, hold on a second.
Carla, hand me the phone! Here you go.
Thank you.
All right, I'm wiping off the maintenance sticker now.
Well, according to this, the heater was last serviced This heater has never been serviced.
I guess you don't need to bring a Carla, what are you doing? Carla, what is that noise? Well, I'm putting this grate back on.
You know, it's a little dangerous to have it lying around out here.
Carla! Now this is not funny! You let me out of here right now! Oh, fine! I'm gonna call the police! Boy, you know, one of our patrons could trip on this wire.
Oh, great! Now the phone doesn't work either! All right, it's closing time! Everybody out.
Mr.
Peterson, Mr.
Clavin, come on.
Let's go.
I'm already late.
Come on.
I mean, the bar closes at 2:00.
It's just now 2:30.
Tonight's my first night at the graveyard.
I don't want to be late, all right? Now, come on, you guys really got to go.
Let's go.
Come on.
Woody! Woody! Woody! Hold it! Hold it! What's the rush? It's not like your customers are going to be going anywhere.
Huh? Yeah, yeah.
But you know, it is going to be awfully lonely out there, Wood.
Oh, no, now, don't worry.
You'll have plenty of company.
They won't be too talkative, what with their lips sewn shut.
Well, you don't actually have to see the bodies, do you? I mean, they're in the coffins, right? Oh, yeah, most of them are.
The ones that can afford it.
Yeah, the rest of them, they, uh, put in body bags or sometimes just a big roll of blotting paper.
Sometimes they're just laying about arms and legs akimbo.
Yeah, their lips drawn in a ghastly rictus.
I don't know what rictus means, Mr.
Clavin.
You will by sunup, my lad.
Cut it out, guys.
All right, come on.
We'd better toodle along now.
All right, come on.
You know, I understand that, Norm, the brain stays alive long after the body's lying in a coffin.
Yeah, poor desperate soul in there trying to scream out, "Don't bury me! I'm not dead yet!" And all they can muster is one final frantic gurgle.
Oh, the gurgle! Listen for that gurgle, Woody.
You listen for that gurgle.
Hey, you guys are just trying to scare me, right? Forget it.
I got a job to do.
I've got a ring to pay for.
Get out.
Good night! See ya! Good night, Mr.
Peterson, Mr.
Clavin.
Want to take a cab? Oh, man, buried alive.
Give me a break! REBECCA Woody! Will someone let me out of here?! Mr.
Peterson! Mr.
Clavin! Excuse me, miss.
I've been sent to collect some specimens.
Oh, they're sitting over there on the other side of the bar.
No, I'm from the insurance company.
I need to do a blood sample on each employee.
Oh.
Well, he works here.
Take him first.
Fine.
Shall we go? Yeah.
What, uh, part of the body do you need to take blood from? Any part that's soft and fleshy.
Well, have I got a treat for you! Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
Woody, man, you look terrible! Yeah, I came straight from the graveyard.
This is the worst night yet.
Why was that, there, Wood? Well, a couple of guys called in sick, and then, uh, we couldn't seem to bury old Mrs.
Jane Van Der Hooven, beloved wife and mother.
It was like she didn't want to go down.
First the backhoe broke, and we had to dig the hole by hand.
And then the ground was frozen and, uh, broke the handle on the shovel.
And then the coffin kept popping open.
You You never get used to that, Sam.
I don't suppose you do.
And then when we finally buried old Mrs.
Jane Van Der Hooven, beloved wife and mother, there was, uh, this strange gurgling sound and I knew it was probably just old Gus finishing his shake, but uh, you don't want to take chances on something like that.
So, I had to dig her up and check it.
What a night.
I don't think you're gonna make it, man.
This job's gonna kill you.
Oh, Sam, I gotta earn enough money to pay for the ring.
It helps to do that every now and then.
Thank you, Mr.
Peterson.
Who's next? How about you? No, uh, actually I don't work here.
I'm just one of the moms in the neighborhood who comes in to help out.
Take him.
Woody, wake up.
The man's waiting for you.
Do you work here? Yeah.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Let's go take some blood.
Just for being late? Well, that's the toughest job I ever had.
Man, no way I'm gonna let that quack jab me.
Carla, there's really nothing to be afraid of.
It's, it's a very simple process.
H- Here.
Let me show you.
Darling, may I? They'll simply take your arm.
They'll have you make a fist.
Then they'll place a tourniquet here, exposing a vein.
Exposing a vein Lilith, exactly how do you work? All right, where's my money? What? Come on, come on, you know the routine.
I- I-I did this earlier.
I give you blood, you give me money.
You gave blood already today? I didn't give it I sold it.
Hey, I got a ring to pay for, damn you.
Woody, are you saying that after four days of virtually no sleep at all, you gave blood today twice? Is that bad? Yes! The body can't take that kind of punishment.
You're suffering from a lack of blood and a lack of sleep.
My God, I'm surprised you're not hallucinating.
Huh.
Don't worry about me, Dr.
Crane.
I'm fine.
I just need a little sleep before that party tomorrow night.
Huh! Hallucinating.
Woody.
Why aren't you dressed for the party? What party? Who are you? Why am I covered with ants?! Hey, Kelly.
What happened? I thought the party was tomorrow night.
Oh, Woody, didn't you tell them? I called you days ago and told you there was a change in plans.
Don't you remember? Well, I remember you called me days ago, and I remember you said there was a change in plans.
But I don't know what you're talking about.
But, okay, let's go.
All right, pal.
Pal, pal.
You're not in any condition to go to this party.
I have to go, Sam.
I can't disappoint Kelly.
She's the woman I love.
Which one is she, Sam? Sit down here, Woody.
Uh, why don't we catch up with you? It'll give Woody a chance to change his clothes and pull himself together.
Actually, Sam, that's probably a good idea.
Yeah.
Woody is acting kind of out of it tonight.
I mean, he's fumbling around like he doesn't know where he is or what he's talking about.
Have you two met? I'll see you soon, Woody.
Here you go, Woody.
Whoa, whoa-hoa-hoa.
Here.
Come on, come on, come on.
Pull yourself together.
Have some coffee.
Boy, it's true what they say.
Caffeine does get you going.
Uh, I figure I've got about a half hour to make a good impression before my skin starts to blister.
You know Uh-uh-uh.
Keep your distance.
I'm not afraid to use this thing, you know.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Look, allow me.
Perhaps I can be of some assistance.
Carla, Carla, please.
Now let's just Look into my eyes.
Listen very carefully to every word I say.
All he's going to do is plunge this large-bore needle into your tissue until it reaches a vein, at which point the beating of your heart will cause your blood to gush into this vial, filling it with a viscous, crimson syrup.
There you go.
Top her off.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
How're you doing, pal? Oh, fine, Sam.
That nap in the car on the way over really helped.
I got my second wind.
Woody good to see you.
Oh.
Good to see you, too, Mr.
Gaines, sir.
Uh, how do you do, Mr.
Gaines? I'm Sam No, don't introduce yourself to me.
Oh, that's right.
We've met.
No.
I just don't care who you are.
Delicious.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh.
I see you gentlemen are enjoying the smoked tongue.
Ugh! Look at us, Cliff.
All the years of pretzels and potato chips at the bar have ruined us.
Finally get a chance to broaden our horizons a bit, educate our palate, what do we do? We act like a couple of bar goons at a rich man's party.
Hey, Norm.
Woody, I'm so glad you're here.
Grandmother can't wait to meet you.
And I can't wait to meet her, Kelly Gaines.
Is he okay? Yeah, he's fine.
He's just, uh, been working for the past four days.
Is that a lot? I'm not part of the work force.
Oh, look.
There's grandmother now.
Oh, my God, Sam.
Save me.
What? What? It's Mrs.
Jane Van Der Hooven, beloved wife and mother.
Who? The dead woman from last night.
I could never forget her face.
Oh, come on, Woody.
I should know.
I dug her up three times.
Hey, Woody, Woody, Woody.
Stop it, man.
You're hallucinating.
No.
Remember what Frasier said about lack of sleep? That's her, Sam.
No.
Woody, it is, it is Kelly's grandmother.
No.
Check her head for a shovel-shaped dent.
I'm not saying we did it, but, okay, it was late, and we got a little careless.
Why are you interrogating me? I'm not on trial here.
Shh.
You're Woody Boyd, aren't you? See, Sam? She remembers me.
Oh Kelly has told me so much about you.
So you're interested in getting married.
Perhaps you and I should have a little talk in private.
That's a good idea.
We should sit down and do that sometime.
Well, no time like the present.
Why don't you join me in the library? Right in here.
Tell my parents I love them.
All right, buddy.
I've got one.
I've got one.
Little Orphan Annie.
Oh that's a good one, Normie, but I didn't see it 'cause I've got cataracts.
Hey, hey, guys, look at his.
Oh, Sammy, come on.
Tongue jokes were funny like a half hour ago.
Don't just stand there, young man.
Come on and sit down beside me.
Are you cold? I'm freezing.
I seem to be cold all the time these days.
Feel my hand.
If you don't mind, I'd rather not.
Are you afraid of me, young man? What? Me? Yeah.
Scared? You? Never! What crazy talk.
Oh! Well, I can't think of any reason why a fine, young, strong, healthy, young man like you should be afraid of a helpless, old lady like me, unless it's because you tried to bury me alive last night.
What? Come on, I was kidding, man.
What are you doing? Sam, I hit her with a shovel and she's come back for me.
What?! And you fell for it.
Mother, what are you talking about? I was just having fun with the young man.
I got the idea when I heard that he was working in the graveyard.
It was just too rich to pass up.
Wait a minute.
How-how'd you find out about that? Oh, that's the wonderful thing about a hearing aid.
When you turn it up, you can hear all kinds of things.
Incidentally, Elliott, you're out of the will.
Sorry, Elliott.
You mean this was all a joke? That's right.
Well, you crazy old Hey, hey, hey, Wood Woody, what are you doing?! That's it, Woody.
Get him out of here.
Hold it! This young man, this young man may be gullible oh, well, let's be honest, slow but he had the backbone to stand up to me, which no one else in the family has ever had the courage to do.
I think you're going to be very good for Kelly.
In fact, I think you're going to be good for all of us.
I give you my blessing.
Welcome to the family.
Now, let's eat.
Can I go to sleep now? Sure.
Say, uh, Rebecca, for ten bucks I'll tell you how to get even with Carla, for closing you up in the wall.
Okay.
Here's her purse.
Toss it back into the duct.
When she goes in after it, screw the vent cover back on.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Whoo! Whoa! Wait a minute.
That's my purse.
Oh! I'm sorry.
Oh God.