Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - One Hugs, the Other Doesn't

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
This is sick.
Just stop harassing me.
You'll get your money when I'm good and ready.
And if you try to contact me at the workplace one more time, I'm gonna turn you over to the authorities! Jerk.
Which one of your kids was that? That was not one of my kids.
I don't talk to my kids that way.
Bill collector, then, huh? No, it was my mother.
Her Social Security check is late, like it's my fault she's getting old.
Did you hear the way she talked to her mother? I could never talk to my mother like that.
Hey, Carla, could you give my mom a call? # Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# It's the Crane Family Circus.
Let the mayhem ensue.
All right, you're here, let's go.
All right, Sam, what is the big mystery? Where are you taking us? Oh, I wanted to have it be a big surprise, but I can't keep it to myself any longer.
Freddie, who would you like to see more than anyone else on your second birthday? Oh, Sam, you got tickets to the Nanny G concert the 1992 Tickle Tummy Tour.
# Tickle your tummy # # Life is kind of yummy # # When you're feeling crummy # # Just look up and laugh a lot.
# Somebody hand me a blunt instrument, please.
Here you go.
Use it label-side-up so it doesn't crack.
Thanks, you're a doll.
Look, you kids, uh, go to the concert without me.
Frasier, this is Frederick's first concert.
Yes, and this is my bugging out of Frederick's first concert.
I intend to do this all through his childhood and teenage years.
Then, finally, when he's in his mid-20s and he comes to me and says, "Father, let's go hear Bobby Short at the Carlyle," I'll turn and say, "Son, now you're talking.
" Frasier, you're missing the whole point of this concert.
The show for us is not on the stage.
It's in the delighted eyes of your child.
Oh, right, delighted eyes, shiny face, yada yada yada.
Well, let's go see Nanny G.
Come on.
Nanny G? I saw her Itsy Bitsy World concert and fell in love.
Her in a peasant blouse boing! I just don't understand why people don't expose their children to good music anymore.
When I was a lad, my parents took me to see Peter and The Wolf, The Nutcracker Suite, Swan Lake, not # Tickle your tummy # # Life is kind of yummy.
# See, it's catchy, isn't it? Well, sure, when I do it, but I can sing the phone book.
Hey, guys, how you doing? Hey, Woodrow.
How's it going? What are you doing here, man? Eh, took a chance, called a scalper.
Money talks.
That's great.
Where are you sitting? Oh, I'm up in the second balcony next to the last row.
At least I'm not in the last row.
Those poor suckers.
Oh.
Say, uh, these are nice seats.
Aren't they, though? I don't suppose anybody would want to trade me.
You know, someone who wasn't, say, as devoted a lifelong fan as I am.
Sam? You could at least make eye contact.
Hey, Freddie, I'll give you ten bucks.
Woody.
Woody.
Now we can enjoy the show.
Boys and girls of all ages, it's showtime.
And who are you here to see? Nanny G! I can't hear you.
Nanny G! I still can't hear you.
Come out in the damn audience! You'll hear 'em just fine! Nanny G! # Tickle your tummy, life is kind of yummy # # When you're feeling crummy, just look up and laugh a lot # # Ha-ha-ha-ha # I know I've seen her before.
Where, where? I hate it when this happens.
Frasier, please be quiet.
I'm trying to hear the lyrics.
# # # And nothing you can do will turn that # Oh, my God, I know who she is.
That's Nanette Guzman.
Who? My first wife.
Who? Uh, I was just talking to Sam.
And what were you saying to Sam? Your first wife? Wow.
Isn't that a kick? I thought I was your first wife.
Daddies, you all stand up and clap with me.
Okay? # # Frasier, sit down.
I'm a daddy.
What else have you lied to me about? Darling, I I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I just couldn't seem to find the right time.
I guess I- I just loved you so much that you made me forget that there ever was another woman.
Oh, serve it on toast.
Lilith, Nanette and I were, we were just kids.
I was first-year med school.
It only lasted a few months.
Well, I barely remember her.
I remember her cat better Bobo Black Paws.
He used to love to sleep on my naked back.
Oh, God, he used to purr like an airplane when we were Shoot, I can't remember.
It's all gone.
Thanks so much.
You know what? My favorite thing in the whole big, wide world is making new friends.
Oh, I'll bet.
# When you meet someone # # Who might become a friend to you # So, Frasier, have you been married to any other well- known performers? If, for instance, we should take Frederick to the circus next month, should I feel threatened by Jojo The Dog-Faced Girl? # I want to # # Shake your hand # Lilith, you have got to get a handle on this thing.
The marriage was a silly mistake.
We rectified it.
We went on with our lives, we've never spoken since.
If we ran into each other on the street, she wouldn't know me from Adam.
# I want to shake your hand, shake your hand # # You and I # Oh, my God.
Don't you want to shake my hand? She shook everyone's hand.
She even kissed some guy in the fourth row.
They don't shake your hand in row YY in the second balcony.
Oh no.
They'll happily charge you $28.
50 a pop, but that don't buy no handshake in double Y.
So Frasier was married to that oh, how would one describe her? Bitch.
Never even told me about her.
Well, if that's what he wants, he can have it.
# I want to shake your hand, snatch you bald # # I want to scratch your eyes out # # I want to drain your blood and replace it with a # # Mercuric chloride, formaldehyde # # And alcohol solution.
# You had to be there.
Boy, never seen this side of Lilith before.
I like it.
Oh, I know what Lilith's going through.
When I was in high school, I used to date this guy Corky Pasavak.
He was in drama class, but he, but he was still real macho.
Anyway, one time he asked me to go to the movies, and when we were walking down the aisle we ran into his old girlfriend.
I don't even know why I'm telling this story; I mean, I'll just end up getting a lump in my throat, trailing off and bursting into tears.
Not this time, damn you, not this time! Well, I think that was a new record.
Where is Lilith? She's in the ladies' room.
Hey, Fras, heard you used to be married to a children's singer.
What's the matter? Burl Ives turn you down? Look, am, am I the only one who was ever married before? It's history, it was a long time ago.
So I didn't tell her.
So what? Yes, Frasier, but why didn't you tell her? Hmm? Marriage is built on trust, you know.
You ever told her how you really feel inside? Have you ever shared with her? Have you ever cried with her? You're right, Norm.
I should have told her about it.
I, I'll never forgive myself.
That was beautiful, Normie.
Where'd you get it? Last week's Matlock.
I don't know what he got the guy off for, but that was his summation.
Oh, it's my first husband.
Now, cut that out.
Where's my son? Where's Frederick? Did you sell him to the gypsies so you could spend more time with Nanny G Spot? It was perfectly innocent.
Oh, Frasier, let's just not talk about it.
You say it was a youthful indiscretion.
I'll take you at your word.
I can do that because I'm secure within myself.
I've also had a wee bit of Dewar's.
So it's it's really behind us? Yes, just don't mention her.
The chapter is closed.
So, in other words, you don't want her to come in here and apologize to you.
No.
Hi.
Storm over yet? Time to make a rainbow? Lilith, I'm so sorry if I caused you any pain.
I would have hated it if anybody had kissed my husband the way I kissed yours.
I guess I've just always been a a kissy person.
A huggy, kissy person.
Give me a big hug.
I'd really prefer not to.
Lilith is not a huggy person.
I know someone who could never get enough huggings.
Well Well, I feel like I want to hug you.
You don't have to hug back.
And you didn't.
Nanny G, I was wondering if you could Lilith, I'd really like to make this up to you.
ignore me like a cheap piece of trash.
"Oh, you could? Thank you so very much.
" I have a super idea.
Frasier tells me you're having a birthday party for your little boy tomorrow.
How about if I come by and sing for the kiddletinos? Oh, well, actually, it's not really going to be much of a party.
It's just a small family gathering.
Oh, hey, if, uh, Nanny G's going to sing, you know Vera's nieces and nephews would love to come.
It is free, isn't it? Sure is.
Oh! My God, wait till the twins find out.
I'll be their hero.
I couldn't get tickets to the concert.
Guess I should've tried.
It's free, right? Actually, as much as I'd love to invite all of you and your little folk, the party's going to be in our own home, and, frankly, it's much too well, I just don't want you there.
Well, I'll tell you what, why don't we have it in the bar? Before we open, tomorrow morning; it'll be fun.
Well, that's settled, then.
See you all tomorrow.
And don't forget to have goofy dreams.
You know, most people would make that sound corny, but Yeah, well, I'd better, uh, make some phone calls.
I've got a whole neighborhood full of brats.
If I bring 'em, they'll, uh, probably tell me where my car is.
Darling, are you going to be okay with this? Am I going to be okay with this? Let's see.
Earlier today I discovered that my husband had an ex-wife he never told me about.
Then I had the pleasure of watching him kiss said ex-wife in front of a thousand children, including his own.
Then, to top it all off, she hugged me.
Can you deduce from my tone whether or not I'm going to be okay with this? Baby, you're the greatest.
Pretty good eats, huh, Norm? Not bad for a two-year-old.
I, myself, have been enjoying these teeny little tuna fish sandwiches shaped like tiny little dinosaurs.
Yeah, quite ironic actually, uh, seeing as how tuna, known in Latin as Pisces middayicus roughly translated as "lunch fish" was, uh, was not a contemporary of the, uh, prehistoric reptilian land wanderers.
Hi, pal.
You want some apple juice? Okay.
Frasier, where's the Nanster? Oh, she'll be here.
You can always count on Nanette.
You know, I, I can't get over her becoming such a big star! Although she always had a gorgeous voice.
Personality God, she'd light up a room when she entered it.
Really? I wasn't making a direct comparison, dear.
It's You and, you and Nanette are apples and oranges.
But you are by far the finer of the two produce.
And which one would that be? Uh app-ranges.
Look, allow me to preempt any further discussion by simply saying that you are the love of my life.
And nobody, nobody could ever pry my eyes from your beautiful face.
She's here! She's here! Hi.
# Who is turning two today? # # Who today is two today? # # Freddie's turning two today # # Hoo-de-hoo de-hoodley-hoodley-hoo today.
# Isn't she wonderful? You know, I used to be married to her.
But now I've got this honey.
Happy birthday, Freddie! And a big hello to the birthday mother.
Great, now I'm going to smell like gingerbread for the rest of the day.
Cliffie.
Huh? You smell gingerbread? Yeah, let's hunt it down.
My goodness, Frasier.
I can't believe you have such a big, wonderful boy.
Frasier and I weren't together long enough to have any children.
Although we sure did try a lot, didn't we? I, uh, I don't remember.
I do.
Hey, Nanny G.
Hi, I'm Carla.
Hi, hello.
And these are my twins, Jesse and Elvis.
My, they're glorious.
Thanks, thanks.
They're a little shy, but they'd both like an autographed album.
Why, sure.
"Love, Nanny G.
" It's for you.
Would you like an autographed album for your little girl? Oh, that's so sweet.
Twenty bucks.
They grow up so fast.
Oh, sure, she's got lots of time to hook the little consumers.
Oh, Woody.
Have a Fruit Loop necklace and chill out, will you? Come here.
Come here.
Say, Nanny G? Yes? Somebody here wants to meet you.
Come on, come on.
Oh, no, Sam, you don't have to introduce us.
I recognize this fellow.
The next to last row of the balcony, section YY.
I couldn't forget your smile.
Although I haven't seen it since.
There it is! I, I I love you, Nanny G! You think he bought it? Yeah, he's an easy sale.
Good.
Hey, no cuts! You're not the boss of me.
You like that stool? Yep.
Drink pretty good there? Yep.
Tell you what, kiddo Here you go, scoot, go on.
Wish someone would've done that for me when I was seven years old.
Mommies, daddies, boys and girls half a bar full of people I've never seen before I'd like you to gather around here at the steps for a special sing-along with Nanny G.
She saw me! She saw me in the theatre from a hundred miles away.
She's magic.
Nanny G is magic! Get a life.
Well, my, my, my, oh, my.
Well, I was going to start by singing "The Doodle Bug Song.
" Thank you.
Thank you.
But instead, I want to begin by singing a very special song for a very wonderful boy.
# The first time # # Ever I saw your face # # I thought the sun rose in your eyes # # And the moon # Why is she looking directly at you? She isn't looking at me.
She's looking in the general direction of our loving family.
I think she's singing the song to you, Frasier.
Oh, you're being paranoid.
She's singing a lovely song to a two-year-old child.
# The first time # # Ever I lay with you # All right! That's it! Stop the music! Leave my man alone! I'm sorry, I can't help it.
Frasier, I've never stopped loving you.
Well, maybe this'll help! Girl fight! Girl fight! You know, I'm going to suffer for this tomorrow, but today, right now, this exact moment, I'm the happiest man on Earth.
Girls! Well, Lilith, the bleeding's finally stopped.
Those head wounds.
Serves you right for trying to get between us.
Darling, I, I had to stop the two of you.
Although I must say I was proud to see you fight for me.
It made me feel so loved.
Of course, Nanette was pretty vicious, too.
Oh, but you were by far the most vicious.
Thank you.
Lilith, I I should have told you about my first marriage before, but I just didn't think it was relevant to our lives today.
Frasier, I know why you didn't tell me.
You didn't tell me because you're a craven coward.
You know me so well, it's frightening.
Can you ever forgive me? I suppose I'll have to.
You know, if I must say so, you hug better than she does.
Frasier, you're such a toady.
Yes, but I'm your toady.
Dr.
Crane, I didn't want to interrupt you while you were bleeding, but, uh, I found this box underneath one of the tables over there when I was sweeping up Nanny G's hair.
"To Frederick from Nanny G.
" Oh, look! It's a little Nanny G doll.
Oh, it says "push here.
" # Here's a silly little song # # To help you out when things go wrong # Isn't that cute? # If you get lost and can't find home # # Just remember the number of your phone # # My number is 555-6792 # # 555-6792 555-6792 # # That's 555 # Frasier, this is her phone number.
She's giving you her phone number.
No, she's not.
She doesn't want you to forget it.
She's just using it as an example.
# 555 # Oh, Lilith, no, don't do There, gone and forgotten.
# 555-6792 # # 555-6 # Whoa! Whoa! Hey!