Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - A Diminished Rebecca with a Suspended Cliff

Cheers if filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, Dr.
Crane.
Look what I got.
That's quite a trophy, Woody.
I didn't know you played golf.
I don't.
There's a trophy shop down the street.
You just bought this trophy? You don't even golf? Why should I? Well, because the idea of a trophy is to show some sort of accomplishment.
You should learn to golf.
Go out, take a couple of lessons.
Spend some hours mastering the finer points of the game.
And then? Well, then you get better and you can join a country club.
And then? Well, and then you can compete.
Maybe enter some tournaments.
And then? And maybe some day, you'll be the best and you'll win, and then you'll get a A trophy, Dr.
Crane? Congratulations, Woody.
# Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# There's something different about Dr.
Sternin-Crane.
I can't put my finger on it.
Is it her hair? No, no.
I'll-I'll get it.
Her dress? Oh, I've got it, her husband's growing a beard.
Did I hear someone mention my beard? That's right, Woody a beard, the ultimate manifestation of masculinity.
Testosterone surging through my face! Every red-blooded man's birthright hair on his chin.
I don't know why I didn't do this before.
Because I wouldn't let you.
Oh, yes.
That's right.
It all comes back to me now.
Hi.
I-I'm looking for Woody Boyd.
Oh! Russell! Hey! Russell! Russell! Russell! All the way from Florida! Hey! How're you doing, cuz? I'm great, man! Great.
Hey, Sam, guess who this is.
Uh-h, your cousin Russell from Florida? Wow! What are you, a witch? Hi, Russell.
I'm Sam Sam Malone.
I know.
Woody's told me all about this place.
Oh, Miss Howe, just as beautiful as Woody said you were.
Well, thank you, Woody.
Hey, uh, there's Mr.
Peterson, and look, Mr.
Clavin.
Hey, there's the Cranes.
You were right, Woody, like she's seen a ghost.
And there, and there's Carla, right? And Tecumseh and the, and the jukebox, and the wooden lady, and the little porthole Hey, Russell, I-I guess you know who I am.
I'm Paul Krapence.
Who? I- I was going on and on.
I had to draw the line somewhere.
Hey, uh, Russell, let me get you something to drink.
Well, well, one of Woody's relatives.
Hello, Russell.
Hi.
Say, Russell, uh, have you ever been to Hanover? I spent every summer of my life there.
Yes, well, Woody's told us a lot about it, and I'm sure we'd all be interested in a different perspective.
Well, you know, it's just like any other small, rural town in the Midwest.
There's acres and acres of farmland, and hard-working people.
You know, it's also the U.
F.
O.
capital of the world.
Enjoy your stay in Boston, Russell.
Thank you.
Hey, Russell, you can stay with me.
I got a real nice apartment.
The couch almost opens out into a bed.
Most days you've got heat and hot water.
And it's usually quiet, except the couple next door is off the wagon this week.
Wow, Woody, that's a great offer, man, but I already made a reservation in this cheap little motel.
Can I stay with you? Well, Russell, why don't you put your suitcase in the office.
That's real kind, sir, but like I just told Woody, I already got a room reserved.
Oh, well, then just while you're here.
Hey, Sam be real nice to him.
He's he's heartbroken.
His girl he's been going out with for a long time just dumped him.
So he's come to Boston to make a new start.
I think he's hoping to hit the big time, like me.
Big time? Woody, you're a bartender.
You-you're living hand-to-mouth.
Yep.
Back in Hanover, people think I made a pact with the Devil.
What's Russell going to do while he's here in Boston, Woody? Well, I don't know, Miss Howe.
I was hoping he could work at Cheers.
What does he know how to do? Uh, that's the question.
Yeah, he was always off writing and sculpting and painting, while the rest of us were bettering ourselves by learning air-conditioning repair and riding dirt bikes.
Yeah, to tell you the truth, I don't know if he can do much of anything.
Of course! Why didn't I think of it before? He can be a busboy.
Hey, Russ Sam, why don't we hire him to be the piano player here? Well maybe, as long as he works for tips.
Well, you-you won't regret it.
I know about these things.
I have a golden gut.
It must be worth a fortune.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you said "golden butt.
" Well, here's your mail, Rebecca.
Thank you.
Hey, uh, Twitchell.
Hey, Clavin.
How come every other mailman in this town is out there busting his hump and you're in here sitting on your over-sized irregular? Return it to sender, Twitchell.
You left this in your box, Clavin.
What's that? That's the official memo regarding the new uniforms.
Starting tomorrow, they are regulation wear, and that's by order of the Postmaster General.
Huh.
Wait a second.
I can't believe you opened my mail there, Twitch.
Hey Ah! That's a good one, Clavin.
Yeah.
But, uh, you can't escape the fact that starting tomorrow, we all have to wear the new uniforms.
No exceptions.
Oh, yeah? Well, this is what I think of the new uniforms.
Oh, come on, now.
It's not as bad as that.
You haven't even seen them yet.
That's right, and I don't want to.
As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't exist.
This is the uniform that made me want to become a postal worker.
And this is the uniform I'm sticking to.
You wouldn't have that problem if you washed it once in a while.
Uh You know, this is insubordination, Clavin.
I got no choice but to report you to the supervisor.
I don't care if you do.
There comes a time in every man's life when he's got to show his manhood, put his cards on the table.
Can we just see the cards? You know, you guys, if we're going to have a piano player that's this great, we shouldn't hide him up there in the corner.
I think we should move the piano down here and put it against this wall.
If you help me move it, I'll give each of you a free beer.
Oh, great.
I mean, I suppose you think we're we're like a couple of trained dogs.
Every time you want us to do something, you'll waggle a free beer under our face.
Uh-uh.
We have some self-respect.
We have a little dignity.
Am I right, Paul? Mm-hmm.
If I do it by myself, can I have both beers? Sure.
Way to go, fathead.
I was working her for a pitcher.
There.
That wasn't so hard.
Yeah.
Get a couple guys who know what they're doing, no problem, huh? Just hope Rebecca doesn't need us to move it back.
That could get a little hairy.
That's great, Russell.
All right.
Whoo.
Thanks Thanks a lot, Miss Howe.
Say, what would you call that color of hair? What? This hair? Mm-hmm.
Well, it's nothing unusual.
It's just, uh, what a medium chestnut with auburn highlights.
Is that what it said on the bottle? Why do you ask, Russell? Well I was hoping to use it in a song.
Do you mind if I just say The color of romance, the color of longing, the color of the feeling I get when I see you smile? Okay.
I think we have a May-December thing happening here.
Yeah.
December of the following year.
I'd say he's got a major case of puppy love going here.
He's following you around, asking to do errands for you, wanting rides back to the motel.
Oh, so what if he has a little crush on me.
I think it's sweet.
Rebecca, you know I've seen this type of behavior before.
When Frasier first had a crush on me, he had difficulty expressing his feelings.
He was very shy.
So he expressed them in other ways.
Uh, calling me at all hours, and then when I answered, hanging up.
Just sitting quietly in his car, in front of my house, hour after hour.
Going through my mail, and then carefully replacing the letters in my mailbox.
In other words, stalking me.
It got what I wanted, didn't I? You know, you guys, there's no need to worry about this.
I mean, if it gets out of hand, I know just what to do.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to dedicate a song to a very, very lovely lady, Miss Rebecca Howe.
# I spent last night # # Dreaming of your eyes # # But your hair kept getting in the way # # Your lips dropped in # # To tell me how you'd been # # And when I tried to kiss them # # My pillow told me I missed them # # Your voice dropped by # # And sang a lullaby # # And it was then I knew just what to do # # I'd fall asleep and then # # I'd dream of you # # Again.
# Oh, sure, but ask him to fix an air conditioner.
My muse.
My inspiration.
Oh, Sam, he's so sweet.
I don't want to hurt his feelings.
What do you say when you break up with a woman? I usually say, "I'll call you tomorrow.
" Well, Russell and Miss Howe.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Never thought of it, but it could work.
I mean, they could go out.
They could hit it off.
Maybe even get married.
Hey, who knows? Maybe he could give her the baby you couldn't.
That was a choice, Woody.
Hey, thanks a lot for the ride, Rebecca.
You feel like coming in for a cup of coffee? Uh, no, thanks, Russell.
Um Russell, I-I had something that I wanted to say to you and I, and I-I didn't get a chance to in the car, um, I don't know exactly how to put it.
I wanted to talk to you about the crush you have on me.
I don't have a crush on you, Rebecca.
You what? I don't have a crush on you.
You don't? No.
Oh, my God.
I'm so embarrassed.
Oh, dear.
Oh, well.
All right, Russell, I will come in and have that cup of coffee.
Yeah, come on in.
Oh.
After you.
Rebecca, I don't have a crush on you.
I just love you with all of my heart and soul.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Say, folks, I'm gonna be taking a short break.
Woody, have you seen my snifter? Oh, it's over there.
Sammy, you want to put a head on this, please? That's yours.
Thanks.
Say, uh, say, Sammy, is, uh, is Rebecca coming in today? Well, she's scheduled to work so I'm not really sure.
Well, maybe I should swing by her place and see if she's all right.
Say, does anybody know where she lives? Never mind, I'll find it.
Thank God he's gone! Hey, where the hell have you been all afternoon? Hiding up at Melville's waiting for Russell to leave.
You know, I sat up there for three hours pushing my glass around making moronic small talk.
Boy, if I ever get like that, put a gun to my head.
I thought he had a little crush on me.
Mm-hmm.
It's a full-blown obsession.
The man worships me.
It's like he's a little bit off balance, if you know what I mean.
He worships you and you think he's a little off balance? Woody, was Russell different in any way when he was growing up? Well, he does have one little quirk.
You know, when he likes something, he really gets carried away.
I mean, uh, you know, one time he liked trains.
I mean, really liked them.
Collected them, wrote songs about them, pasted pictures all over his walls.
You know, in fact he-he even thought he was a train for a while.
Every morning at 7:53, you could hear him coming through town.
What do I do? The advisable course of action is to not take any chances.
A woman living alone who feels threatened in any fashion, is entitled to police protection.
I thought I'd just be a little bit more direct and tell him I wasn't interested.
Yeah, right.
Be direct.
Lay people.
Uh, can I help you? Do you have a Clavin here? Yeah, but it hasn't been flushing right lately.
Wait, wait, there he is.
There's the renegade.
Oh, hey, Twitchell.
What'd you do, tell your dad on me? Henderson.
Postal inspector, South Branch.
There have been reports of your refusal to wear the new postal uniform.
Oh, gee, I wonder who reported me.
It was me, stupid.
That's the only reason I'd come in here on my day off to see you knuckle under.
Yeah, so, uh, what if I don't wear this new uniform? Then I will have no choice but to put you under immediate suspension.
Eh, you wouldn't do that.
When I'm through with you, you'll be lucky to get a job sticking flyers under windshield wipers.
Now what's it gonna be? Oh, all right.
You win this time.
Hey, Paul, guard the men's room door for me, will you? I'm gonna be naked in there.
Again? Hook, line and sinker.
Hey, fellas, what's up? Oh, Sam, I want you to meet my brother-in-law, Frank.
Hi, Sam.
Frank.
Hey, what are you guys trying to pull? Ah, I'm sick of Clavin shooting off his mouth about the new uniforms.
He's never even seen them, so we came up with our own Clavin version.
The old fake uniform gag.
Yeah.
Why didn't we think of that? You know, I'm a little disappointed in all of us.
I just think we're gonna have to work a little harder around here.
There you are, Rebecca.
Hello, Russell.
Where you been? Hiding I mean, doing my taxes.
Russell, come here.
I- I think you and I need to have a little talk.
Sure.
I could talk to you all night.
In fact I have, in my own way.
Uh, Russell, have a seat.
Oh, you know, Rebecca, I hope I didn't frighten you last night with my little tribute to you on the walls.
Russell, you have to stop this.
I'm not worthy of all this attention.
I'm Rebecca.
I'm nobody.
I'm nothing.
I know it, that's-that's what Carla told me.
And-and Cliff and-and Norm and Paul and Cousin Woody, Well, anyway Mr.
Hill upstairs and Ruben, the busboy The point Russell, you're young, attractive and sensitive and-and, you know, there's just so many women out there for you.
I'm just not the one.
Boy, I've-I've heard this speech before.
Just just pipe down and put some clothes on or we'll call Amtrak security, right? Is that it? Is that the one? Yes, Russell, you pretty much said it for me.
All right, I-I won't bother you anymore.
I- I guess my little songs and doodles could never have-have won the heart of a woman as-as beautiful and wonderful as you.
Shoot, I'm a richer person for having known you, Rebecca.
You'll always be special.
Phew.
Glad I don't have to deal with that anymore.
"I love you, Rebecca.
I love you, Rebecca.
" Who needs it? I feel better.
Any year now, Clavin! I'm coming.
I'm coming, for crying out loud.
Hold your horses.
Well, I was wrong.
This thing is great.
Well, uh, you haven't seen the hat.
Wow, all right.
Now this is a uniform that demands respect.
Yes, sir.
There's gonna be one less reason to make fun of Cliff Clavin tonight.
No, no, Mrs.
Clavin, it wasn't us.
No, it was a couple of guys from the Post Office.
Yeah, I know.
I wish we could have thought of it, too.
It was, it You're kicking yourself.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, we'll talk to you later.
Bye-bye.
She's not exactly Donna Reed, is she? No.
No, no.
Sam, I've been in there thinking about Russell.
I mean, what's wrong with somebody paying attention to me? I mean, so he loves me, is that a crime? I'm gonna go talk to him.
Somebody cover for me.
Cover for what? You don't do anything around here.
Ha-ha.
Seriously, what does she do around here anyway? Russell! Russell, it's me, Rebecca! Russell, I know you can hear me.
R- Russell, I was wrong to turn you away.
Russell! I'm coming in! I want you to give me another chance! Oh, hi, Rebecca.
Isn't Carla dreamy?