Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - License to Hill

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, Woody, come here a second, man.
Something's really bugging me.
Whatever it is, I don't know what you're talking about.
'Cause I've never lied about anything.
This is Woody, remember? Company man, team player, true blue.
You know, maybe if you turn that microscope on yourself, you might find some things that aren't so pretty.
I can't work in this atmosphere, all this suspicion and this constant interrogation.
What do you people want from me? I didn't do anything, all right? I'm telling you, I am innocent! Okay, okay.
You remember three months ago, that day I called in sick? Woody Sam, shut up, it's my turn to talk! I I was sick, but a couple hours later, I started feeling better, and I could've come in for half a day, but instead, I stayed home and did laundry and watched Oprah 'cause she had circus freaks on.
I'm so ashamed! Oh, good, that feels better.
I've been carrying that around for three months.
I was just gonna say your tag's sticking up on your sweater here.
Oh.
Well, then forget I said anything.
I was just kidding you, Sam.
Just kidding you.
I think I covered pretty well.
# Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Oh, good afternoon, Miss Tortelli.
Well, if it isn't John Cougar Mellonhead.
Thank you for last night, Miss Tortelli.
I wasn't with you last night.
I know, and don't think I don't appreciate it.
Oh, Sam! Yes, John, what can I do for you? Sam, I have a small request.
For the next three hours, I need you and the rest of the Cheers chimps to hold down the noise.
Right now, I'm entertaining from the Daughters of the American Revolution.
Giving them a firsthand account, John? Very amusing.
Sam, this vent connects directly to my dining room and often, we can hear everything you say down here, so tell your mailman to go to that side of the bar if he wants to describe his fungal infections.
You know, I have to second that.
Well, sure, John.
Heck, you should've come down and told us sooner.
We'll be happy to oblige you.
Well, thank you, Sam.
That's uncharacteristically civil of you.
Oh! If you all behave yourselves for the next three hours, maybe I'll take you out for ice cream.
Would you like that? Why don't you just get lost, you sweathog.
Sewer rat.
Bag of bones.
Maggot.
Am I the only one who finds him really attractive? You believe that guy? So damned condescending.
Ah, Sammy, not so loud.
He'll get angry we won't get the ice cream.
I think I'm on to something.
Yeah, yeah, here you go.
Eek, eek! Oh, there's a rat! Oh, my God, there's another big rat! I think that was very successful! Except you got a bunch of dust in my beer here, Sam.
Um, sorry, I'll get you another one.
Sam! Before I spend the remainder of the afternoon trying to sort out whose walker is whose, I want to say one thing.
I live for the day when I can close this bar down and put you out on the street.
Eh, he doesn't scare me.
You ought to see him with just the night light on.
Hey, everybody.
Got everything we need for our marathon poker fest.
Yeah? Did you bring the chips? Oh, yeah, I've got, uh, red ones, blue ones, white ones No, no, no the chips! Ranch, mesquite, sour cream.
Don't you have any idea how to play this game? Yeah, I think so.
So, you guys having a big poker game, huh? Yep.
You know, uh, I always wanted to learn how to play that game.
You, uh, you never played poker there, Woody? No.
Played all kinds of card games in Hanover, but never poker.
I was pretty good, too.
I'd win all the time.
Yeah? Yeah, chicken in a box, one-eyed rooster, possum on a pole.
What kind of games are that? No, no, no, that's what the winner got.
You know, guys, I think it's time Woody learned how to play a little poker.
Yeah? Really? Thanks a lot.
How can I ever thank you guys? Oh, I don't know, we'll think of a way, Woody.
Say, you guys got, uh, room for one more? Uh, well, yeah, okay, it's all right with us, but I've got to warn you, we're gonna be playing into the wee smalls.
Uh, you might want to check with the old "ball and Crane.
" I don't have to ask Lilith if I can play.
I'm an independent person.
I can make my own decisions.
It's all right with me, Frasier.
I wasn't asking.
Regardless, I still approve.
Well, approve all you want to I don't care.
I'm gonna play poker, stay out late.
Stay out all night if you like.
You have my permission.
Stop it.
Very well, Frasier.
Please stay home with your wife and child.
We need you.
Forget it, woman gotta be me! Let's party, boys.
Sammy, are you in? No, I gotta make sure things run out here, you know? I can't concentrate on the game and the bar at the same time.
What about me? What am I here for? Oh, right and I have to worry about Rebecca, too.
You know, Sam, that really ticks me off.
If you don't appreciate what I do, why don't I just quit? Oh, come on, sweetheart, I I appreciate everything you do around here.
Really? Yeah.
What do I do? Well now, come on, don't back me in a corner like this.
So, it's not worth it to have me around.
I'm useless, is that it? No, come on, honey, you are real valuable around here doing all the things that you do, all right? All right, fine, listen, all right, all right.
If it'll make you feel better, I'll go play a little poker, all right? You can take care of things out here.
Okay, don't think that I can't.
I mean, I am competent.
I am damn competent.
You know, I mean, I'm not just some lackey who carries receipts around in a cigar box all day long.
I mean, I know what I'm doing.
I have a business degree.
And I have a lot of experience.
And I am very, very, very good at doing all the things that I do.
Like what? Hey, come on, don't back me in the corner here.
You know, there is nothing like a good cigar.
And this is nothing like a good cigar.
Yeah, this blanket ought to keep the smoke away from the customers.
Good idea, Sammy more for us.
Guys, I've gotta be honest with you.
I was just trying to hustle you out there.
I do know how to play poker.
And to tell you the truth, I was the best poker player in Hanover.
Uh-huh.
Actually, I was the best poker player in the entire metro Hanover area.
Well, uh, you're in the city now, Woody.
Well, I guess you do play different than a bunch of farm boys.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, we do.
Why don't you sit down, Woodrow.
Oh, thanks.
Take it easy on me.
Okay, okay.
So, what sort of game would you like to play, huh? Well, how about, uh, "Five blind piglets and one full teat?" What the heck kind of game is that? That's where five city boys lose all their money.
Oh, Lilith, being in charge again is so invigorating.
I feel great! This will really show Sam.
Bravo.
Some men still need to learn that women can take on roles traditionally held by men and perform them as well or better.
We live in an era of female brain surgeons, astronauts, Supreme Court Justices.
And bar managers.
Yes.
Do you see the nifty way I always keep this down? It creates much more surface area for new drinks.
Coming through! Of course, I still have to iron out a few of the kinks.
Oh, hey, Rebecca, this letter came back.
Oh, dear, I must have put the wrong postage on it.
Uh-oh.
What? It's a renewal for our liquor license, and I was supposed to have sent it in two weeks ago.
What are you saying? We have no liquor license? Yeah.
Do you realize we're serving alcohol in here? I mean, they could shut us down forever.
I know.
I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm in charge.
This is a crisis, that's right, but I can handle this.
I will simply call the state liquor board and I I will tell them I screwed up and I am sure they will understand.
And what are we supposed to do in the meantime? Well, no one will know if we don't say anything, so you just keep your mouth shut.
You are to tell no one, do you understand? No one! Gotcha.
Where are you going? To tell Sam.
No! If you tell Sam, he won't even let me carry the cigar box around! I know.
That's why I'm gonna tell him.
All right, you evil thing.
What do you want? Let's see, what do you think would be fair? Say, uh, Carla, we're supposed to be Rebecca's friends.
Now, I could just as easily say, "Rebecca, I'm gonna tell Sam unless you sleep with me.
" Exactly! So, will you? Paul.
She forgot to renew a liquor license.
She didn't burn down an orphanage.
How's it going out here? Fine, fine! I'm in charge! Good, good.
Uh, you don't even need to come out here, not even for a second.
I just want to get the fellas some more beer.
Sam, if you need beer, I'll bring you the beer.
Sam, this is your day to relax.
Hey, Sammy.
Paul! Do you want to go out with me tonight? Just the two of us? I suppose so.
Paul, is there something you want to say? Forget it, I just got lucky.
Rebecca, come here.
Y- You're going out to dinner with Paul? Yes, I am.
You know, y-you might want to think about computer dating.
Ads in the personals.
I underst I'll bring you the beer.
Okay, Becks.
They said you just have to go down to the liquor license board in the morning and they'll rubber-stamp the renewal.
Oh, good.
In the meantime, we just can't serve any alcohol.
Okay, we can't serve any alcohol.
Fine, I can deal with that.
Miss, I'd like a Scotch and soda, please.
We're all out of Scotch.
How about a bourbon? We're out of bourbon.
What's that behind you? I don't see anything.
Right there, behind you all those bottles.
I said I don't see anything! Carla, Carla, it's all right.
Sir, here is your Scotch and soda.
Rebecca.
It's all right.
I have a plan, just watch this.
Here you go.
N- N-N-N-No.
I don't need any money.
I want you to take this and just think of it as a gift from me Rebecca Howe, private citizen and in no way affiliated with this bar.
Thanks.
You see that? That's all we have to do, that's the answer.
All we have to do is give everybody free alcohol and not take any money for it, and this bar can stay in business forever.
Ow! Rebecca, let me get that for you.
Ow! I'm sorry, are you all right? Yes, just put it down.
Ow! Oh! Rebecca? Yes? You're taking money for a drink? I thought the plan was to give them away for free.
No, see, I realized we couldn't really afford to do that about $1,200 ago, so now what we're doing is tricking them.
You see, Carla and I have taken all the bottles and put colored water in them, and we're serving non-alcoholic beer Aha.
and soft drinks.
Can I have a strawberry daiquiri, miss? Oh, yes, coming right up.
Kool-Aid on crushed ice.
Hey, Rebecca.
Hi, Sam.
I came for some more beers for the guys.
They're going through it like it's water.
Well, it's not.
You, you sure everything is going all right? Yes, you'll get your beer.
Just get back in there, go on.
All right.
This is very interesting, Rebecca.
Allow me to help in your little charade.
I'd like a Scotch, please.
I've done some acting in my time.
Thank you.
Whoa! Smooth! That was very good, Lilith.
You really have a mischievous side to you.
I was The Bad Seed in high school.
Whoa, scary play.
Oh, that's right, it was a play.
Excuse me, miss.
My rum and Coke here tastes an awful lot like Coke and coffee.
Oh, let me smell that.
Oh that rum smells pretty strong to me.
Hey, you know when you can't smell or taste the alcohol, that's a sign that you might be having a little drinking problem.
Excuse me? I think you ought to get some help.
In the meantime, how about another rum and Coke? We just put up a fresh pot.
Forget it.
Look, everybody is leaving.
So? So, if Sam finds out, th-then he'll know something's wrong.
Come on, get those guys, get them back here.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
Can I talk to you a minute? Wow, what did you say to them? Oh, I just told them that in a few minutes you're going to take off your clothes and dance on the tables in just your bra and panties.
Good thinking.
You sure everything's okay back here? Oh! Yeah, ev-everything's, everything's just fine.
Come on, baby, show us your stuff.
What-What's that? What are they, what are they saying? Oh, it's, it's nothing.
I just have some stuff and they want to see it.
Now go on back in there, come on.
We're just about ready to get that beer for you.
Go on, there's more beer on its way.
All right, all right.
Carla, take some non-alcoholic beer back there to those guys.
I thought you were going to do that.
I have a show to do.
Here you go, guys.
It's your fifth round.
Hope you can handle it.
What does that mean, Carla? Nothing.
Wait a minute, what did you put in the beer? Nothing.
You know, fellas, normally I'm a great believer in responsible drinking, but, uh, boy, this stuff really goes down easy.
And besides, Ma knows I'm out with the boys tonight, you know.
If I don't come home with a little glow on, she'll tease me till I cry.
All right, I call.
I got you this time, fellas, read 'em and weep, Aces over tens.
Ay, yi-yi.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, Sam, uh, I got a couple of pairs eights and threes.
Woody, aces and tens beat eights and threes.
Oh, I'm sorry, here's one more three.
Full house I know I'm the only one laughing, but believe me, it's really funny.
Woody, your obnoxious, gloating behavior is not making you any friends.
Well, boo-hoo, Dr.
Crane, I can buy new friends.
All right, deal the cards, come on, let's deal the cards.
Wait a minute.
I was looking for the queen of spades here and there is no queen of spades in this deck.
I'm gonna count these cards.
Go ahead.
Hey, guys, is it me or is or is this beer great? Boy, well, you know, I maybe I should just hold off here, I I, for one, am getting a little buzz on, I'm here to tell you.
Hey, uh, guys, listen.
I- I love you guys.
I told you hours ago don't touch me.
As I suspected, there are only 51 cards in this deck.
Oh, for cryin' All right, let's look for the other one.
Yeah, you bet we're gonna look for it and we're gonna find it, too, or my name is not Clifford C.
Clavin.
Come on, take it easy.
You've had a little too much, haven't you? Well, you relax, buddy boy.
One of us is cheating and one of us is not getting out of here alive.
Here it is, it's under Sammy's chair.
Oh, Sammy, Sammy, look if you needed the money, why didn't you just ask me? No one's accusing anyone of cheating.
We just have to replay the last hand.
Go ahead and deal them out there, Phil.
You want to hurry it up there, Phil? I got to get up early and pack for my weekend in Nantucket.
Hmm, a little pleasure trip, huh? No, Lilith's coming.
Five-card showdown, fellas.
All right.
Uh, check.
Uh, check.
Ah! Oh, man, I'm out.
I'm out.
Oh, Woody, for crying out loud.
I'll call.
Three aces.
Read 'em and weep there, buddy boy.
Cliff, y-you got five unmatched cards there.
That's right.
And, uh, you guys probably thought I was bluffing, huh? Come to Papa.
Oh, boy.
I am so glad this night is almost over.
I am just wiped out.
You know, Rebecca, you've been through a lot tonight.
I was thinking maybe I took advantage of you when I asked you out.
Ever since my wife left me, I've been sort of desperate for female companionship, you know.
I always say the wrong thing.
So what it boils down to is this if, if, if you'd rather not go out with me, I'd understand.
That's sweet, Paul.
I'd be delighted to go out with you tonight.
Bring your toothbrush.
Everything okay? Would you quit coming in here every five seconds and asking me if everything's okay? What is it going to take before you believe that everything is just fine? State Liquor Board.
Nobody move, this is a raid.
What the hell's going on here? I'll handle this, I'm the manager.
We understand you're serving liquor here without a license.
Who owns this bar? He does.
What the hell's going on here? Mercy me.
What is going on here? A raid? Say it isn't so.
Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on around here? I'll tell you, Sam.
A little vent told me your manager let your liquor license expire.
Yes, but w-we did not serve one drop of liquor here all night long, a- a-and you guys can check any glass here.
It's clean.
You see? I saved the day.
You saved the day?! You wouldn't have had to save the day if you hadn't have screwed it up in the first place.
Come on, what were you thinking? How could you do that? How could you forget something like that? You know that could have cost me my bar? I mean, what have you got rocks in your head? You know, I mean, I did mail the thing in.
It's just that it came back.
I think there was just something wrong with the stamp.
There's nothing wrong with the stamp, you moron.
It's for 25 cents.
I put it on myself.
Postage is Oh.
Well, I'm out of here.
Why don't you go ahead and, uh, close up? After all, you are the manager.
No, hold it a second.
You're the one that screwed up.
I- I'm the one that saved this bar.
So, I mean, who is the moron now? You're the one who put the stamp on this letter while I've been scrambling around this bar tonight trying to save it without breaking one law.
That's right, I did that me, Rebecca, the moron.
Well, things are going to change around here.
From now on, I want a little respect around this place.
You got that? All right.
Because, from this day forward, I will hold my head up high, because I am Rebecca Howe.
I am the manager of Cheers.
That's, that's why we always keep the flap up.