Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Rich Man, Wood Man

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Carla, what are you doing? Uh, would you hand me that bucket of ice water, please? Sure.
When you tell me what you're doing.
Well, Clavin's almost done with his route, see? So I'm gonna put this bucket up here on the ledge Oh, and then the water will fall on his head.
How mature.
You know, that's your problem, Rebecca.
You don't know how to have any fun.
Sure I do.
It's just not at the expense of other people.
I just go out with my friends and have a good time.
Now, don't you ever get together with your friends and-and just have fun? Well, I guess I would, but nobody ever asks me to do anything.
I'm sorry, Carla.
Yeah.
Sounds like fun.
I don't know.
Say, Carla, do you want to Yeah? I don't have anything to do later.
I mean, want to go grab a pizza, or see a movie or something? You and me? Well, if you want to.
Yeah.
I think I'd really like that.
Yeah? All right, we'll do it.
I mean, who knows? Maybe it'll be fun.
Let me just grab my coat.
So, what time should I be there? # Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Okay, at the beginning of that cartoon, Casper, the friendly ghost, had no friends whatsoever.
By the end of the cartoon, of course, he's surrounded by friends.
Next cartoon will start, Casper won't have any friends again.
What is it we're not seeing between cartoons? Could be, uh, Casper sating his thirst for human blood.
Right.
Oh, think about it, Norm.
We are talking about a ghost here.
Yeah? You see, very often, the, uh, walking dead crave the taste of human flesh.
And things aren't that much different in the cartoon world, I'm sure.
Was it really hot on your route today, Cliff? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, blacked out a couple of times.
Why? That was Woody.
He's in a car on the way back from the airport.
Isn't that something? Two weeks free in London.
All expenses paid on Kelly's family.
Boy, he really stepped into something nice there.
I'll tell you what, though.
He's lucky I didn't spot her first.
Yeah, he really dodged a bullet there, Cliff.
Everyone, I have an announcement to make.
You may not have noticed, but over the last year, I've allowed myself to gradually fall out of shape.
I'm frequently tired, and I find I no longer have the energy for some of my daily activities.
Or some of your weekly ones.
Which is why Richard here is going to put me on a strict exercise and diet regimen.
Now you may ask, "Why is Frasier sharing this information with the general public?" Because you're the loneliest man on earth? He has another reason.
Yes.
I want you all to hold me accountable, to be my collective conscience, if you will.
Don't let me give up.
You-You gonna let that little, scrawny guy be your personal trainer? Oh.
Get a load of this, Sam.
Show 'em, Richard.
Oh, man! Hey, that's I could probably do that, but I'd have to do it in shifts.
I was a professional athlete.
I can train you like he can, and I'd do it for free.
Besides, I'll, uh, keep my chest off your wife's hand.
You're history, Bluto! Hey, your loss.
We have an opening for a lab assistant! Well, it's grant money.
We have to spend it somehow.
Hi, gang! Hi-ho, chaps.
Wood! Whoa! Well, look at you.
If it isn't Oliver Twit.
Boy, check out the threads on that dude, huh? Oh, just a little something I picked up at Savile Row.
Oh! Savile Row! Well, well, yes.
I guess the trip to England made a big impression on you, huh? Ah, it's a fabulous place, Sam.
Very civilized.
You know, when you drive on the left-hand side of the road over there, they don't scream and honk at you like they do here.
Got anything in the, uh, bag? Here we go.
Toilet water for everyone.
Don't worry, it's not what you think.
Woody, we've got to be going.
Right.
If James has to circle the block more than once, he has a hissy fit.
Boy, chauffeurs, huh, Miss Howe? Oh, yeah.
I have that trouble with mine all the time.
Really? What do you do? I wake up.
Hey, Woody, can't you, uh, hang around and tell us about your trip? Love to, can't.
Love to, can't? Right.
Uh, coming over on the Concorde, we met this adorable couple, David and Arlene, and we promised to spend the afternoon with them.
Oh, well, all right.
All right, well, you can tell us all about it when you come to work tonight, all right? Ooh, about that.
Don't tell me.
Love to, can't? Bingo.
Ta, guys.
What-What the hell's wrong with him? Well, it's a common phenomenon, really.
A young, impressionable lad, such as Woody, gets his first taste of a foreign country, and he comes back a little affected.
I mean, give him a few hours, he'll be fine.
You know, I remember when I came back from my first trip abroad.
Oh, God, I was pompous and unbearable! Condescending to all my old friends.
Of course, I wouldn't expect you fellows to understand.
It's a complicated matter.
Keep going, man.
You're doing great.
What's the matter, jump rope too much for you? Forgive me but a jump rope is a delightful children's toy used to while away delightful spring days.
I'm not a delightful child.
I am a miserable, overweight wretch who is praying for death.
Got a saying, Frasier no pain, no gain.
I also have a saying, Sam.
I can't feel my right arm! That's all right.
That's natural.
Okay, tell you what.
Why don't you give me one more abdominal crunch? No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! Come on, man, give me one more, unless you want to give me five more.
Okay.
Come on, you can do it.
Okay.
Come on.
Okay.
There we go.
And up! Come on.
Can you see the baby's head yet? I am proud of you, man.
A lot of people would have quit after that little bout of vomiting.
Thank you, Sam.
I feel that from this point on, I can live a life of healthful moderation and physical fitness.
Okay, everybody, Lud is trying to raise money for his class trip to Colonial Williamsburg.
Now who wants to help by buying some chocolate bars? I'll take 15 boxes! Boy, that's great, Doc.
All you got to do is fill out this order form, you'll have your candy in two weeks.
Two weeks?! I want them now! Listen, Lud.
Lud, here, go down to the store for me, get me a couple of KitKats, and I will personally drive you to Colonial Williamsburg.
Sorry, Dr.
Crane.
Two weeks.
Oh, forget it, then, you rotten kid.
No sale.
You should have the chocolate on you.
What do they teach you in that school of yours anyway? Come on, Fras.
Well, it's true.
What the hell am I paying property taxes for?! Oh! Sam! I hurt so much! Hey, Rebecca, Lud is trying to raise money for his class trip.
Now, how many chocolate bars do you want? I think you're taking advantage of us.
Oh, Lud, Miss Howe doesn't want to buy any candy.
Why don't you go into your sales pitch? It's not gonna work, Lud.
You can breathe now.
Okay, fine.
I am just gonna go about my work as usual.
All right, fine! Five bars! Isn't he great, you know? He helped knock 500 bucks off the price of our last car.
Remember that, Lud? Part of it.
Lud, come on.
Let's go home.
Evening, chums! I thought you were having drinks with David and Arlene.
Good people, Sam, but colossal bores.
So it turns out I can work.
Well, thanks for, uh, keeping us in mind here, Woody.
Tell you what, why don't you, uh, help out by getting a couple of cases of scotch from the back? Whoa! Do I look like I'm dressed to carry scotch? Oh, well, what are you dressed for? Well, certainly not whatever you're dressed for.
Mr.
Peterson, more crisps? What the hell are crisps? Well, they're what you call potato chips.
Although what I call chips, you would call French fries.
So, what are you saying, we have French fries? Oh, Mr.
Peterson, there's so much you don't see from your little bar stool.
Stop teasing me, Woody! Do we have French fries, or don't we? Norm, you don't have to get upset with Woody.
He's just been on the trip of a lifetime, and it rubbed off a little bit.
That's not such a surprise.
Say it, don't spray it.
This is cashmere, Miss Howe.
You little snot! I knew you back when you were just an ignorant farm boy.
That was about a week and a half ago! You're right.
That was about a fortnight, wasn't it? Oh.
Come here.
I want to talk to you for a second.
Yeah, what is it, Sam? I don't know how to put this.
Ow! What's the matter with you, Sam? I'll tell you what's the matter.
You're acting like a real ass.
I think you mean "arse.
" That's starting to hurt! You know, it doesn't take a fool to see what's going on here, but I do.
You're all jealous.
This is a case of "Poor little us.
"We don't have the money to do the things that Woody can do.
" Well, as we say back in merry old England tough! Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, come here.
Look Yes, Mr.
Peterson.
All Sam was trying to s Ow! That was for the French fries, okay? What's the matter with you guys? Why are you all hitting me? Well, 'cause your hanging around with rich people has turned you into a little monster.
What are you talking about? I'm no monster.
I'm still the same old Woody Gaines.
Wait a minute, I'm Woody Boyd, right? Oh, Sam, I have changed, haven't I? Yeah, I'm afraid you have.
Ah, don't don't hit me again, all right? You don't have to beat it into me, all right? I know I'm a jerk! I'm the biggest jerk that ever lived! Hey, uh, how come I didn't get a chance to smack him? Hi, Woody.
I just dropped David and Arlene off at the hotel, and Uh-oh, something's wrong.
I can tell.
I'll tell you what's wrong, Kelly.
All your money has changed me.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I'm pretending to be English.
I'm pretending to be something I'm not.
My life has gone completely down the loo! Woody! Aren't you ever coming out of there? You're starting to scare me.
Sorry, Kelly.
I'm not trying to scare you, but it it's just, your money is turning me into a monster.
All my old friends hate me now.
But everything was going so well.
What happened? I just looked into a mirror, and I didn't like what I saw.
Whatever's wrong, we can work it out.
It's a little more complicated than that, Kelly.
It's like she's having a fight with SeƱor Wences.
Come on in, Kelly.
Thank you.
You know, Sammy, you could nail that door shut right now.
I didn't see a thing.
Wow.
What a big moose head.
Kelly, I don't think this is the time for name-calling.
What's wrong, Woody? Don't you see, I'm trying so hard to fit into your world that I'm starting to lose mine.
Yeah so? The point is, I'm changing.
Suddenly, Mr.
Peterson and Mr.
Clavin aren't that interesting.
It can't be them, so it must be me.
Woody, I know what you're going through.
Oh, Kelly, you don't understand.
You'll never understand.
It's hopeless.
Good-bye, Kelly! Woody! Woody! Woody, don't go! Sam, do something! All right, all right, I'll get him.
Hey, uh, Norm, watch the bar for me, will you? Oh, all right.
Kelly There, there.
Mr.
Peterson, you're so understanding.
Uh, well, uh, yes Thanks for reaching out.
Yeah, Kelly, uh Cheer up! It's just that I'm so alone.
I feel that all the love has gone out of my life.
Am I bothering you, Mr.
Peterson? No, no, it's either, uh, listen to it here or listen to it at home.
What am I gonna do? He says that all my money bothers him and he can't live in my world.
Kelly, why don't you try living in his world? What are you saying, that that we can make it if I can just learn to to live without all my money? Yeah, I guess.
Well, I can do that.
It'll be easy.
I don't know, Kelly.
You're gonna have to give up an awful lot of stuff.
For example, no more limousines.
Oh, that's okay.
I can take taxis.
No, Kelly, I don't think Woody can even afford taxis.
You'll have to take the subway.
The what? The "T" you know, the subway.
Come again? The subway, the the little trains that run underground, carry people back and forth.
Right, an underground train.
You're such a joker, Mr.
Peterson.
Kelly, they exist, and, and most people take them to work every day.
Sure they do, Mr.
Peterson.
All right, I'll take your little underground train tomorrow morning.
Underground trains! Woo-woo! Okay, finally.
Daddy's home.
Oh, I couldn't catch up with Woody.
I saw saw Kelly going down the street.
Is she all right? Oh, no, Sammy, she looked real really upset.
You better go after her.
All right, all right.
Sometimes I swear it'd be easier to just buy these things.
Boy, oh, boy.
Woody and Kelly split up, huh? Yes, well, I guess having access to all her money made him feel a little like a leech.
You, uh, seem to make the word "leech" sound, uh, pejorative, there, Fras.
An educated man would be proud to be called a leech.
Leeches are a boon to mankind.
I take it you're referring to the practice of using leeches as a medical cure-all, a practice which has been discredited for centuries now.
Discredited or covered up? Well, you've got me there.
Sure, your big drug companies don't want you to find out about leeches you know why? Leeches are free.
Yes, sir.
I I have great respect for the leech.
I'm sure the feeling's mutual.
Hey, Fras? I've got the tools of a perfect workout right here.
Jump rope, bag of doughnuts.
Guess which one's yours.
Didn't I tell you? I I don't need to work out today.
I think I've reached my peak form isn't that great? Yeah.
Okay, get in the pool room.
We've got work to do.
You weren't listening, I don't need any I'm all better! Come on pool room.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Wood! Woody! Ah, it's good to be back, guys.
Yeah, even though I had to give up Kelly and I'm heartbroken, I'm pretty miserable, at least I'm not rich.
Well, Wood, it may not be as bad as you think.
Well, what do you mean, Mr.
Peterson? Kelly and I had a little heart-to-heart last night, and, uh, it turns out she's gonna give up her money and try to live the way you do.
Kelly wants to do that for me? Yep matter of fact, she's taking the subway over here right now.
Kelly's taking the subway by herself? Yeah, she wanted to prove to you she could do normal things.
Well, she can't do normal things.
She's never learned how.
She's gonna be eaten alive on that subway! Go after her, Wood.
Good idea, Mr.
Peterson.
Can you watch the bar for me? Oh, all right! Some days, Cliffie, it's like shooting fish in a barrel.
Well, guys, I guess you're all gonna eat your words, 'cause guess what I brought.
I give up.
Leeches! Yeah, look at these babies.
They can't keep themselves off each other.
Where'd you get those? I have my sources.
Why are they here? Oh, it's like a living first aid kit, Norm.
You know, a cure-all for anything from a minor scrape to a sucking chest wound.
Ooh, look at the disgusting leeches! Hey, what's in the jar? Hi, everybody.
Where's Woody? Well, he's out looking for you.
What happened, Kelly? Did you get lost? No, I was having such a great time I didn't want it to end.
I love the subway.
Wait a minute, you liked the subway? Not at first.
I got real angry because a lot of other people tried to get on my subway car.
And then I met some young people who apparently work for the city because they were spray-painting the walls, and they let me write, "Kelly loves Woody," in a big red heart.
And then the pigs came and we ran.
Well, I'm out of here workout's over.
Good day, all.
That was quick, huh? It only lasted a couple of minutes.
Yes, well, you know, when you're focused Where's Sammy? Um, I don't know.
Bye-bye.
Woody! Oh, Kelly, thank God you're okay.
Woody, what happened to you? Oh, I got mugged on the subway.
Oh, my poor Woody.
Come and sit down.
Do you want me to call the pigs? No, no, I I'm okay now.
They didn't get much.
They just scared me a little.
Kelly, I don't ever want you to ride that subway again.
Oh, but Woody, I just wanted to show you that I can live without all my money.
Well, I don't want you to live without your money.
I I think it's wrong for someone to have to give up their money.
Kind of came to me as I was handing over my wallet.
But if you live on my money, aren't you afraid you'll turn into a monster? Oh, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna be a two-income family.
You live off of your income, and I'll live off of mine.
Woody, you're so smart.
I love you.
I love you, Kelly.
Ow! Oh! Oh, Woody, your eye is swelling shut.
What are we gonna do? Come on, babies, time to earn your bacon.