Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Smotherly Love

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
E- leven and holding.
Hey, that's a personal best.
Uh-huh.
What's going on? We're trying to count how many Spanish peanuts Cliff can fit up his nose.
And, uh, I know my nostrils.
Let's see, now, who had 11? Uh, Norm Peterson.
Hey.
Oh, yes, I know Cliffie's nostrils.
Here you go, Norm.
Thank you.
Cliff, are you crazy? You've really been stuffing peanuts up your nose? That's dangerous.
You could puncture your sinuses, you can even get brain damage.
Oh, come on, I've been doing this kind of stuff for years.
It's no big deal.
Yeah, Cliffie, but, uh, but never 11, pal.
Uh, yeah, you're right, Norm.
Uh, hey, uh, Rebecca, I'm gonna mosey into the poolroom and, uh, pry some of these out.
Give me the corkscrew, will you? Thank you.
Hey, Norm, that's quite a little sum of money you've got there.
Yeah, well Maybe you'd like to apply some of this to your bar tab.
That's very good.
You know, you're starting to fit in here.
That's great.
# Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Sam, let me have a Scotch.
Oh, make it a double.
Oh, what the hell? Just pound me over the head with the bottle.
Whoo! Tough day, huh? No, I'm not unwinding, Sam, I'm, I'm bracing up.
You see, Lilith's mother is coming up from the city for our fifth wedding anniversary, meeting me here.
I thought I'd come in a little early and marinate.
Yeah, mother-in-laws, man, they're tough.
Oh, she's demanding, Sam.
She's unreasonable, cold, sarcastic, bitter.
Nothing is to her liking ever.
Yeah, we know.
What's her mother like? Ah, I suppose it's wrong of me to blame Betty for all our problems.
I'm sure I'm not the way she wants me to be either.
Well, how does she want you to be, Dr.
Crane? Well dead.
The thing that really drives me crazy is the unrelenting tension between Lilith and her mother.
You know, Lilith just holds it all in, she has to unload it somewhere, and guess who gets to listen to it endlessly.
Apparently me, Dr.
Crane.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, yes, thanks.
Guess what.
I just won this radio contest.
I get a weekend trip for two to Atlantic City, all expenses paid.
Oh, congratulations.
Who are you going to take? Uh, I don't know.
I just moved to Boston and I don't know a soul.
Yeah, yeah, I heard, I heard.
Oh, thanks very much.
That's incredible.
I can't believe that.
Hey, guys, guess what.
I just won a radio contest.
You're kidding.
I did, too.
Really? Yeah, you know, Atlantic City, free trip, the whole works.
That's the same here.
Really? Isn't that incredible? Well, it, it could be.
Only problem is I don't know who to take, you know, two tickets and everything.
I wonder what I should do.
About what? You have kind of a short attention span, don't you? Well, I like that, I like that.
We're talking about my two tickets and Oh, yeah, you know, I've got the same problem.
Yeah, uh, well, you know what we ought to I'm Sam, by the way.
Oh.
Sam, I'm Debbie.
Hi, Debbie, uh maybe we should, you know, instead of wasting four tickets, we should just use yours and go together.
That's a super idea.
Yeah, all right.
Hey, guys, I'm off to Atlantic City.
Boy, those Japanese that say we've lost our ingenuity and the ability to get the job done ought to come to Cheers and have a gander at Sam Malone.
Sammy.
Yeah.
I'd like you to take this, uh, Cliff nostril money and put it on black 17 at the roulette table.
Black 17 you got it, pal.
Okay, we're ready.
But, now, what are we going to do with your tickets? Oh, I'll probably just, uh, give them away to some strangers.
Oh, I'd do that, too, but I don't know any strangers.
This is going to be a great weekend.
Uh, how come, uh, black 17, Norm? Oh, uh, well, 17 is 'cause, uh, Vera and I were married on the 17th.
Oh.
And black is because Vera and I were married on the 17th.
Another one, Dr.
Crane? Um, no thanks, Woody.
Uh, one ought to do it.
Mother and I have arrived, Frasier.
Hit me, Woody, need some juice.
Thanks for helping me with my bags, Frasier, but I see you've got that big, heavy drink to lug around.
Hello, Betty.
So this is where you spend all of your time, while my grandson crawls around in open stairwells and electrical outlets.
Well, actually, Frederick is walking now.
If my daughter had any sense, so would she.
Is there a bathroom around here? Oh, yes, Mother, right down that hallway there.
Frasier, I have to thank you.
You seem to be trying harder than usual to be pleasant to my mother.
Want to tell me what the hell is going on? Well, darling, for the past few months, I've been agonizing over what to give you for our fifth wedding anniversary, and, uh, I thought about jewelry, a trip, a car.
But this this cost me even more.
"I promise not to fight with Betty during her visit.
" Happy anniversary, my love.
It's very thoughtful, Frasier.
Exactly how do you intend to pull that off? Well, I've been working at this for some time now and whatever Betty says, I shall let this smile be my umbrella.
Well, get ready to smile.
My mother has never gotten over being upset about missing our wedding.
She wants us to renew our wedding vows on Saturday.
But, darling, I I think the whole idea is just wonderful.
Hey, waitress, you want to turn up the heat in here? I am not a fish stick.
Or maybe I should ask someone who can reach the thermostat.
Hey, hey.
Lady, you can't just waltz in here, insult people, and start ordering everyone around.
Why not? 'Cause that's my job.
I would have thought your job was to live under a bridge.
Yeah? Well, unless you want some bridgework, you just better shut up! Look, she rattled me, okay? Betty, I-I think it's terribly sweet that you want us to reenact our wedding, but have you given any thought to a a little cocktail party? I- I think that might be more pleasant and perhaps a bit more intimate.
Well, you're wrong.
Very wrong.
You couldn't be more wrong if your fanny was screwed on backwards.
That wrong, huh? Thanks for dropping me off, Debbie.
Hey, Sammy, how'd it go in Atlantic City? You get lucky? Yeah, you bet I did.
So, uh, how much you win? Not a cent.
I'll call you tomorrow, all right? Okay.
Thanks.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Sammy? Huh? Huh? CLIFF & NORM Huh? Huh? So, you remember to put that, uh, that black 17, buddy? Yeah, you know, about that Norm Yeah? you know, the strangest thing happened.
I put all your money Right.
on black 17.
And lost, right? No, no, no, it hit, it hit.
It hit?! All right! But Debbie got so excited, she started jumping up and down and and by the time, she was finished, I, uh I, uh, had accidentally let your winnings ride.
I could kill you! You did that? And it hit again.
Whoa! What are the odds on that? Pretty damned steep, buddy.
I don't believe it! All right! Sammy! I'm rich! I'm rich! Look at this.
All right! Sam, Sam, Sam? What, what, what, what? Now that Norm's come into all this money, don't you think it's time that somebody reminds him that he has a pretty hefty bar tab? Oh, sweetheart, he's my friend.
I can't mention that.
He'll come through.
I don't know, Sam.
Hey, hey, trust me, trust me.
I've known the guy for a long time.
He'll do the right thing.
Sammy, this calls for a celebration.
Let's have a round on me, okay? Drinks for everybody! Sammy, put it on my tab, please.
Sam? Sam? Now, about the cake do you like butter cream? Yes, Mother.
Good, because that's what I ordered.
Now, how about flowers? I like roses.
Do you like cascading lilies? Sort of.
Good! Because that's what I ordered.
Now why don't you go and learn your vows? I've written them out.
And I'm going to go call the caterer.
Looking at Frasier's friends, I know I'm going to need to order more.
I don't know what.
Just more.
She's written vows? Yes.
Apparently with the recurring phrase "shiftless alcoholic.
" Darling, for the hundredth time, why are we going through with this ridiculous wedding re-enactment? Because every time I try to say "no," it comes out "yes.
" My behavior is solely to please my mother.
Why does she always try to turn me into something I'm not? Maybe, deep down, she always wanted a girl.
Hey.
Hey, rich guy, mind if I do a little reading here? Oh.
Oh, Sammy, my tab.
Tab? Oh! Thought it was the Yellow Pages here.
Yeah.
Boy, we've had that thing a long time, haven't we? Sure have, buddy.
Look at that, we go all the way back to when we didn't even know your name.
"Skinny guy at the end of the bar.
" Yep.
Yep.
It's gotten awfully big.
Kind of a disgrace, really.
That it is, Norm.
That it is.
Tell you what I'm gonna do.
Since I've come into all this money, I'm gonna buy you a new book.
Whenever I'm in her presence, I revert to being a little girl again.
But you're not.
You're a grown woman.
You have a successful career and you're well respected in your field.
Now, darling, you must go over there to your mother, look her in the eye, and, for God's sake, tell her that we're not going to reenact our damn wedding! You're right, Frasier.
Incidentally, why do you always refer to it as our "damn wedding"? One hurdle at a time, Lilith.
Now, I'll be with you all the time.
I'll be your support.
Lean on me.
Is anyone else hot in here? Say, waitress, do you mind? I'm not a rotisserie chicken.
Yeah? Well, you you look like one.
Sam.
Huh? I just gotta take a couple of days sick leave.
Mother, Frasier and I have spoken, and there's something I have to tell you about my wedding.
Oh, I just can't wait to see my little girl married.
I am so sorry I missed it the first time! I can't wait either, Mommy.
Come along.
We've got a lot to do.
I'll be right there, Mommy.
A lot of help you were, you spineless bastard.
All that money, huh? Yeah.
Sure will come in handy.
Yeah.
You could probably pay off all your outstanding debts, huh? If I had any, Sam.
Not me.
Own my own house, own my own car, no plastic, do not believe in debt.
So I'm beginning to find out.
Rebecca Howe? Why yes.
And who are you, stranger? You wouldn't remember me.
I was a customer here many years ago.
I had a couple of beers and couldn't pay for them and this bar was kind enough to run me a tab.
Two beers? And you did not pay for them? That's right, Miss.
And I'll tell you why.
Shortly after that, I committed a crime of passion and was sent to Devil's Island for life.
Oh, my! Go on, stranger.
For years, rotting in those cells, I was kept alive by but one thought, the knowledge that I owed a debt to Cheers.
So under the light of a tropic moon, I escaped and fashioned a crude raft with vines and coconut husks.
The rest is unimportant.
Suffice it to say, here's three dollars.
God bless you, stranger.
Norm, did you hear that? How could anyone help but hear that? Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
Could you keep it down? I'm trying to watch some TV over here! How could you even think that someone would be stupid enough to take a hint like that? Miss Howe, here's that dollar I borrowed for lunch yesterday.
You know you could have come right out and told me instead of having that guy come all the way here from Devil's Island.
Sam, let me have a quick one, will you? I'm showing Betty the sights.
Oh, yeah? Where is she? Well, I gave her a little shove into Filene's Basement and yelled "Sale!" With any luck, she'll be trampled to death.
Your wife's waiting for you up there.
Oh.
Oh, hello, dear.
You caught me.
I'm hiding.
Yeah, well, this is as good a place as any.
This is where I always come to hide from my problems.
I mean, my-my work problems, of course.
You know, my-my domestic life is just, well Things are looking up, Frasier.
I've been researching the problem of how to deal with an overbearing mother.
I think you'll be delighted to learn that I've hit upon the perfect course of action.
Oh, darling, how exciting! A breakthrough! What's the plan? To acquiesce totally.
Yes, I'm going to let my mother run roughshod over me.
It's time to cut our losses.
I'm at the third from final turn in the maze and unbeknownst to me, the researcher has removed the cheese.
Your analogies always bring it home, dear.
Yeah, still can't get your mother off your back, huh? It's very difficult for me to relate to.
Really? Oh, yeah.
Ma and I don't have any problems.
You know, in fact, most people find it's hard to tell that we're even related.
Folks down at Club Med are very surprised when they find out we're mother and son.
Shocked even.
You know, Dr.
Sternin-Crane, I always heard that you should tell your mother exactly how you feel.
Is that what you do, Woody? Yeah, right, like I want a whopping.
Well, thank you very much, Woody.
I appreciate that.
You know, I have another idea.
Thank you very much, Woody.
I appreciate that.
You didn't let me tell you the idea yet.
Woody, in certain company, when someone says, "Thank you very much.
I appreciate that.
" It means, "I don't thank you.
I don't appreciate that.
And I want you to shut your mouth.
" Oh, thank you very much, Dr.
Sternin-Crane.
I appreciate that.
So glad you could come, Sam.
Oh, thank you.
The gift table's over there.
We were, uh, supposed to bring gifts? Don't give it a second thought Mr.
Trump.
Hey, man, I'm so sorry.
I didn't realize we were supposed to bring gifts.
Oh, that's all right, Sam.
Your presence here is more than enough.
Paul, you scamp, is this a toaster oven? So you see, that's why Shamu cannot really be considered a killer whale.
Hello, I'm Dr.
Bramwell, a colleague of Frasier's.
I couldn't help overhearing your conversation.
You must be one of his patients.
No, no I'm one of his friends, uh, Cliff Clavin.
Oh, well, then I wouldn't be poaching if I Well, uh here's my card.
Huh.
Uh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
That's the third one I got tonight.
I must have a sign on my back or something.
Sam, there's Norm.
This might be a good chance No, no.
to ask him about the bar tab.
Come on You can do it.
This is not he'll get upset.
No, he won't get upset.
This is the last place in the world he'd make a scene.
Just be discreet.
Norm.
Norm, Sam wants to ask you about your bar tab.
Oh.
I, it's just, you know, she thinks, you know, you came into some money, that maybe it'd be appropriate, you know, to pay off some of your bar tab.
Well, sure, if I had any money left.
Wait a minute, you spent all every cent? Yeah.
What the heck, you know, easy come, easy go, Sammy.
It was found money, I figured, so why not do something that I always wanted to do with it.
So, I went down, and I bought a boat.
Isn't it a beauty? I can't believe that, man.
What? You spent it? Hah After all those years of me carrying you while you were unemployed?! Well yeah, but You're my friend? I- I listen to all your stupid little comments every day? I- I let you run up the largest bar tab in history, and then you come into some money and you tell me you don't pay me back? You-you spend it on a stupid boat?! Well, I hope you and the stupid boat sink! You big deadbeat! Sammy, I, I bought the boat for you.
See, it's, it's the Mayday Malone, see? I mean, thank you.
You know, I know how bad you felt when your boat sank and, well, it's something I always wanted to do, big guy.
Oh, man.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, about that bar tab Yeah, I know I've broken it down into 36 easy payments.
Now I want you to stand up straight when you're out there.
All eyes will be on you.
Yes, Mommy.
And for heaven's sake, speak up.
I want to hear every word clearly.
Yes, Mommy.
Not now, when you're out there.
May I see the bride before the ceremony? Oh, no, Frasier.
I don't want you to see me like this.
Oh, nonsense, dear.
Oh, my Lord.
Is this my Lilith, so so beautiful? "Beautiful"? And your hair.
It's so gorgeous.
My face is beautiful? My hair is gorgeous? What's next, I have a cute, little caboose? Watch your mouth, Lilith.
You know how much I hate this.
I wouldn't have put this horrid paint on my face or worn this atrocious hairdo if my mother weren't emotionally blackmailing me into doing so.
"Blackmailing" you? How could you?! Shut up, Mother! It's bad enough I have to be your little girl, I don't have to be his, too.
Now, for once in your life, keep your mouth shut and butt out! I'm sorry, Mother.
Oh, no.
It's so beautiful! I said the same thing to my mother on my wedding day.
The tears, the unhappiness I wouldn't have missed this for the world.
Uh, Fras, you going to be much longer? 'Cause I hit that punch bowl kind of hard.
Are you going to be all right, Mother? Yes, I'm fine.
I want to be ready when they ask if anybody objects.
I've written it all out.
We love you, too, Betty.
Frasier, I apologize for yelling at you.
Now be honest.
Didn't you say that I was beautiful and gorgeous only to force a catharsis? Guilty as charged.
Then help me get this junk off my face.
Oh, darling.
We don't seem to have time for that right now.
As much as I hate it, you'll have to keep it on.
Oh.
Now listen, let's go out there and say our "I do's" and then I'll haul your cute, little caboose up to the bedroom.
Thank you, Frasier.
Oh, the hell with the "I do's.
"