Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Take Me Out of the Ball Game

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
You know, I keep having this feeling I'm forgetting something.
Well, do you have the night deposit? Yeah, right here.
Did you put the extra cash in the safe? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I know.
What? You didn't call the beer distributor.
No, I asked Woody to do that.
Ah, all right.
I'll, I'll call him in the morning, myself.
Oh, oh, wait, wait.
I know what it is.
I know what it is.
Good night, Sammy.
See ya in the morning.
# Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Interesting little article here.
It says that the average human being only uses Boy.
You realize what that means? Mmm? We don't use a full, uh Some don't use even more.
All right.
Who let Woody read "Ziggy"? You realize he's gonna be useless for the next 15 minutes.
Woody, take your break.
Frasier, for the last time, are you going to accompany me and Frederick to my great-uncle's birthday celebration or not? Lilith, the man is going to be 98.
He won't know whether I'm there or not.
You could introduce him to a chair.
You'd get the same dim flicker of recognition.
Frasier, that is unkind.
My uncle has all his faculties intact.
Which explains why whenever he sees me he calls me "Colonel" and breaks into a rousing chorus of "Over There.
" All right, you don't have to come.
Now, while I'm away, I need you to water the plants, pay the paperboy and take the garbage out on Tuesday nights.
I've written it all down for you.
Lilith, you don't have to treat me like a child.
Of course not, Frasier.
Please remember don't open the door to strangers.
Well, Frasier, there is a precedent set.
We lost our stereo that day.
Well, he looked friendly.
He needed to use the phone! It was 3:00 in the morning, darling.
People have flats at He was wearing a ski mask.
I won't open the door to strangers.
One other thing.
Mmm, yes.
Anything, my angel.
Would you stop by the lab and pick up a short-haired rat I.
number 17-A? Oh, Whiskers.
I call him that because his whiskers are so pronounced.
Get it? Whiskers Whiskers.
Humor is all about making those connections, darling.
Hey, Mayday! Hey, Mitch! Heads up! Hey, everybody.
This is Mitch Ganzell.
Wow! We used to pitch together on the Sox.
Best arm in baseball.
Want to touch it? Good to see you, Sam.
Yeah, you, too.
How long's it been? Oh, I don't know.
What? 14, 15 years.
Hey! It's Ganzell! Hey! Oh, Carla, you still got it! Yeah, and you can still have it.
Sit down.
What are you doing in town? Well, I don't know if you've been keeping track of the Sox but they're really hurting for relief pitchers.
Yeah, they got nobody.
I know.
So, I'm thinking of making a comeback, try out for the farm team, work my way back up.
No, really, Ganzell.
What is it, family reunion? I'm serious.
Heck, I'm not that old.
To be honest with you, I really miss the game.
Anyway, tryouts are tomorrow.
I'm goin' for it.
What do you think, Sam? Am I really crazy? No! You're not crazy.
You kiddin' me? You're fantastic.
If anyone can make a comeback, it's you.
You were the best.
Excuse me a second.
Carla, uh g-get Mitch a drink on the house.
Better make it a big glass of reality.
Sammy! Sammy, Sammy, Sam? I thought you said he was the best! You kidding me? He sucked.
We used to call him "Mrs.
" I was ten times better than he was, and he's making a comeback.
Can you believe that? Yeah.
You're right, Sammy.
You should be the one back in baseball.
Oh Yes, sir.
You should be the one getting back in the game.
Well, I'm not saying I want to, but I sure as hell could, you know.
Well, the only reason I got out of the game in the first place is I was drinking and all that, you know, and I'm not doing that anymore.
I've still got my arm.
Hell, I'm in as good a shape as I was when I was 18.
Same here.
No, really! I tell you, Sammy, I can fit in the same clothes I wore in high school.
Matter of fact, uh, if I'm not mistaken, these are them.
You know wait a second here.
This is not crazy.
You know? I mean, look at Nolan Ryan.
He's what 45? There you go.
He's still pitching in the majors.
If he can do it, I can do it.
What do you guys think? Seriously.
Well, Sammy, uh, we, we'd love for you to do it.
I mean well, it'd give us back our lives.
What do you what do you mean? Sammy, it's no secret we've been living vicariously through you for the past several years and lately, frankly, it's gotten kind of boring.
That bad, huh? I mean, we've actually been thinking about living vicariously through Phil.
So I get my socks out of the dryer and one of them's missing.
Hey, guys.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.
Wait, wait.
I'm back in the game, all right? This is all gonna change.
All right! All right.
Yeah? Hey! All right.
Thanks, guys.
Oh, brother.
This is terrific.
What? You want to play baseball again, fulfill your little fantasy.
Well, why don't we all do that? I mean, why don't I go back to my high school prom? Huh? Maybe I'd have a pretty dress.
Maybe I wouldn't weigh 300 pounds and be on tetracycline.
Don't listen to her.
You want something, you have to go for it.
If I didn't feel that way, I'd still be sitting way over there by the piano.
Take it easy, Mayday.
Hold on a sec here, Mitch.
Uh, about those tryouts you were talking about.
Are they, uh, open for anybody? Oh, sure.
Why? Well, you know, hearing you talk got me thinking.
You know, maybe, uh maybe I got a couple of years left in this arm, huh? I mean, what the hell? If you can do it, I can do it.
Hey, Sammy, there's a little bit of difference here.
I was a good pitcher.
Oh, give me a break.
You stunk it up out there.
Oh, like hell I did.
I was every bit as good as you.
Oh, give me Come on, man! On your best days you couldn't get it across the plate.
Well, at least I could see the plate.
Hey, go to hell! Oh, you go to hell! Whee! Gosh! It's great to be back in the game.
Listen, if we both make the team, let's room together.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! All right.
I'll see you.
Well, Whiskers, this is Cheers.
Cheers, this is Whiskers.
So, uh, Doc living the old carefree bachelor life, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, I betcha with your wife away, if you wanted to, you could, uh do a little, uh swinging, eh? Yes.
There's nothing young women find more attractive than a middle-aged man with a rat in a cage.
I hear you, Doc.
So, uh, has Sam returned from his tryout yet? Oh, he should be back anytime now.
I'm telling you guys, he's setting himself up to be disappointed.
He's going to walk in here feeling like a big loser.
What makes you think Sam's as big a loser as you are? Excuse me, Carla, but I did not say that he was as big a loser as I am.
I am merely trying to point out the fact that he's older, and there are better, faster, younger players.
Yeah, well I think that you're gonna be surprised, 'cause Sam's gonna make this team.
Right, guys? Right, of course he's Mayday Malone.
Yeah, but, uh, hold on there, Normie, what if he doesn't? Thought about that? A thing like that can really hit a guy hard.
Yeah, he'll probably, uh, storm back in here, go in the office and lock himself in and, uh, maybe start taking inventory of his life, peruse over the setbacks, the humiliations, the wrong turns, and all the while fashioning his belt into a makeshift noose.
I mean, we've all done it a hundred times.
You okay, Cliff? What are you asking me for? Sam's the one with the problem.
Hello, Miss Howe.
You know, with, uh, Sam on the road playing pro ball, I guess it's between you and me as to who gets to run the bar.
Of course, the only experience I have is that I've been the assistant bartender here for the past six years.
Well, I will let my record speak for itself.
Yes! Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute! Carla's been here the longest.
If anyone should take over, it's Carla.
Oh, no, no, no, not me.
I'm the kind of person that doesn't like responsibility.
What are you talking about? You have eight children.
Well, I wouldn't if I were responsible.
Well, I'd love to stick around and see how things turned out for Sam, but it's time Whiskers and I hit the road.
Oh, Dr.
Crane, before you go, can I see him first? I love rats.
We used to have a lot of them on the farm back in Hanover.
Kept the barn free of cats.
Woody, meet Whiskers.
Oh, my God, he's gone! Wow, that's a neat trick, Dr.
Now do it with a bunny.
No! Oh, no, Woody, you've got to help me find him! If Lilith comes back and I haven't got Whiskers, I'm dead meat! You know, Dr.
Crane, once, back in Hanover, I wanted to catch some rats and I started playing a flute and a bunch of them followed me out of town.
And some children, too.
Oh, wait, was that a movie? No, no, it happened.
Whiskers! Here, Whiskers! Whiskers! You know, there's a lot of misunderstanding about rats or Rodendus vermicitis, as they're called in Latin.
It turns out our long-tailed friend wasn't, after all, responsible for the dreaded bubonic plague as alleged through history.
No, sir.
It's caused by an animal called the bubon.
That's right.
And the threat, by the way, is still with us.
So if anybody does see a bubon contact your local authorities.
How about if we just see a boob? Hey, guys, you're looking at the two newest members of the Red Sox farm team.
Who says you can't go home again, huh? That would be Vera, Sammy.
Congratulations, Sammy.
We all knew you could do it.
Hey, hey, buddy.
Let me have some water there, will ya? Hey, you were great out there.
Oh, you, too.
You were fantastic.
Whiskers! Come on, Sam, we're late for our appointment with the team doctor.
Right behind you, Mitch.
We are gonna put the Red Sox back on the map, I'm tellin' ya.
Oh, my arm, my arm! My arm! My arm! Relax, I'm a doctor.
Just remain still.
Try not to move.
Now tell me exactly what happened.
I saw a rat and I fell down the stairs.
A rat?! Where?! Whiskers! Whiskers! Hey, Wood, what's in the mail? Oh, just the usual.
A couple subpoenas from that Mitch guy.
Oh, hey, it's a postcard from Sam.
All right.
Oh, read it.
"Greetings from New Britain, Connecticut, home of Shade Leaf Tobacco and Carions.
" No, read what Sam wrote.
That is what Sam wrote.
Boy, oh, boy, the thought of Sammy out there on the mound chucking 'em down.
What I wouldn't give to see that, huh? No, it's only a $30 train ride.
Well, that's what I wouldn't give.
Well, I finally resigned myself to it.
We've tried everything.
There's no way we're gonna find Whiskers.
A priceless, highly-trained laboratory animal; virtually irreplaceable, so I went by the pet store and dropped 99 cents on this guy here.
Well, what the hell? They were gonna feed him to the boa constrictor anyway.
What's all this other stuff? Oh, I snuck this out of the laboratory.
See, I've got exactly to teach this guy here everything that his predecessor knew.
How are you gonna do that? Well, if-if you would, Rebecca with a series of mazes and other such similar devices.
You see, lower forms of intelligence can be trained to perform simple actions by rewarding them with food when they perform correctly, or punishing them with electrical shocks when they perform incorrectly.
Hey, look at that, Norm, I pushed down a lever, got a nut.
Hey! I got a shock! I got another nut.
Ow! Hey! A shock! Oh, wait a minute.
Let me push your lever down.
Hey! I got a shock, too! Oh! That's a mean little sucker! Ah, one of these times it's bound to give us a nut.
Ow! Here comes Paul.
Huh? Oh.
Hey, hey, Paul.
Huh? Listen, uh, do me a favor, will you? Will you, uh, press one of those levers there and see what happens, will ya? It isn't some kind of trick or something, is it? Oh! What? Hey, I got a peanut.
Thanks, guys.
Which, uh, lever did he press? I thought you were watching.
Aw, it's probably Ah! Frasier, I'm home.
Darling! Look, Whiskers, it's Mommy.
Look, hon, it's Whiskers.
You brought him to the bar? Well, yes.
I didn't want to let him out of my sight for a single minute.
I mean, you entrusted me with his care, and I took that trust very seriously.
That's not Whiskers.
Of course it is.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
Have you gone mad, woman? I'm telling you, I swear to you that this, this rat is Whiskers! My Whiskers was clever and bright-eyed.
This rat is sluggish and slow.
Well, he missed you.
I missed you.
I'm sluggish and slow, too.
Also, Whiskers responds to the sound of my voice.
This specimen shows no sign of recognition whatsoever.
Whiskers? Whiskers? See? No response.
Where's my rat, Frasier? Lilith, as a scientist and as your husband, I swear to you that this rat is Whiskers.
And I must tell you I'm a little hurt by your accusation that I might try to fool you.
I look you straight in the eye and I swear to you that this rat here is He's on my shoulder, isn't he? Come here, Whiskers.
Surprise! I got Whiskers a mate! Oh, you lucky rat.
Oh! Now he has female companionship.
Do I have female companionship? Not for a long, long time.
Nice going, mister.
Let's see if you're as sluggish in the snake cage.
Great game, Sam! You still got that arm! Thanks, fellas! I was pretty good, wasn't I? Oh, man.
Oh, God! Oh! Sammy? Oh, hey.
Aah! Hey-hey! Hey! Carla, huh? What are you doing here? Ah, I came down to see the game.
You were great! Yeah, I was kind of good, wasn't I? Yeah.
Who's taking care of the bar? Rebecca.
Oh, my God! Aw, I was just kidding.
No one.
Ah, ah.
You scared me there for a second.
Oh, Sammy, I seeing you up there Yeah? it was so inspiring! I mean, you're better than ever.
Thank you.
You know, everybody at the bar is just so proud of you! Look at you.
You look great! You're pitching terrific! Yeah, I was kind of good out there, wasn't I? Yeah! Hey, Monday, how's it going? Fine.
Fine, Slim.
Actually, it's Mayday, Slim.
Yeah, uh Kid around a lot That's my friend Carla Tortelli.
My roommate Slim.
Nice to meet you.
You, too, Slim.
Say, by the way, bunch of us are going out for beer and pizza, you know, get a little wild, do a little partying? You interested? Oh, thanks, but I'm here to visit my friend Sammy.
Sam, you got another clean shirt I can borrow? Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Not that one.
Naw, go ahead.
Holy cow! Feel free to get undressed in front of me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, no, I mean, holy cow, feel free to get undressed in front of me.
Hey, Sammy! Great game, baby! Whoo! Oh, here we go, here we go! Whoo! All right, fellas! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, gotcha, gotcha! Go, go, go, go, go, go! Time out! Time out! Catch ya later, Midday! Mayday.
It's actually it's Mayday! Oh, you guys, man! I'll catch up with you clowns later! Oh, they seem like a fun bunch, huh, Sam? Oh, they're the best, yeah.
That's, that's baseball.
That's what it's all about.
And God, I hate it so much.
Get me out of here, Carla, please! What are you talking about? Who am I kidding? I hate this! I mean, they, they throw pillows! They snap their towels! And that's not funny.
That's just dangerous.
Did you see that one guy pat my butt? I mean, that's not right.
Come on.
Hey, Sammy, lighten up! Hey, hey, cut it out, will you? This thing's got zippers! What is wrong with you?! Nothing's wrong with me, Carla.
I'm fine.
It's just I don't think I like baseball anymore.
You know, it's a, it's a kids' game now.
And I'm not a kid anymore.
You know, I thought it was gonna be like old times.
You know, that's the problem.
It, it was exactly like old times.
You know, I've done all this stuff before.
It's just not me.
Maybe you should give it a little more time, Sammy.
I mean, you've only been here a few weeks.
Hey, look, you can't quit now.
I'm not gonna let ya! Come on, Carla.
You've supported me in all my other decisions, except for maybe you know, going out with Diane And selling the bar and hiring Rebecca, and you know, deciding to have a kid with her and everything.
What the hell kind of friend are you, anyway? Oh, Sammy, even though I really think you quitting is a bonehead decision, I want you to be happy.
Come on.
Let's pack your bags and I'll drive you home.
I, I don't have anything to pack.
The guys borrowed all my clothes, even my underwear.
Let's just get out of here, okay? If you're really, really sure.
We just don't have anything in common.
It's not like I can ask them to grow up, any more than I can, well, stay a kid.
You know what I mean? Oh, God.
Here we go.
Hey, Sammy.
Hey, Slim.
I thought you guys were gonna go barhopping, huh? We figured we should spend a night in.
Really? Yeah.
After all, we're in training, right? You mean, you guys just want to sit around and talk and maybe watch a little TV and hang out? Well, sure, if, uh, that's okay with you.
Yeah, yeah, that's fine.
Yeah, we thought we'd just come back to the room, relax and maybe pants the new guy.
Hey! Hey! Oh! Oh! Hey! Hey! Cool it! Cool it! Cool it.
Game's over, you guys.
Aw Go on and take a break and just leave Sammy alone.
Come on, Sammy.
Let's get you out of here.
Sorry, guys.
I'll see you around, huh? Sam, just go wait in the car for a minute.
I've got to give these guys what for.
You know, you guys, you just chased one of the great ballplayers out of the game.
I just got one thing to say to you pants Slim! Hey, hey, save some for me!