Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Heeeeeere's... Cliffy!

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Hey, Mr.
P.
How's life in the big city? Hey, what'd I tell you about those fat jokes? Uh, what's in the box there, Norm? Only my brand-new Turbo Flex Airmasters with the custom pump fit and the night reflector racing stripe.
Ah, whoa! Ooh, look at that! Major shoe.
And check out the reflector, huh? Wow, shines like the Northern Lights.
Yep.
Get this they utilize a patented ergonomic lever propulsion design.
Uses your body's own Achilles tendon as a fulcrum.
I read in Runner's World that they can improve your vertical leap by ten percent.
Try 12%, babe.
Ooh.
Ah, that's more than a shoe there, Normie, that's a god.
And now, if you gentlemen will just stand back for a second I'm gonna try these puppies out.
And we're off! # Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Okay, Paulie, at 7:00 we go over to Gary's, right? Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, you're going over to Gary's bar? Well, Sammy, big heavyweight fight tonight he's got a satellite dish, you don't.
You're deserting me for that snake? You're gonna give money to the one guy I hate more than anyone else in the whole world? 'Course not, Sammy.
I'm gonna run a tab.
Sammy, we wouldn't go anywhere if you had a satellite dish.
Mm-hmm.
All right, all right, if it means that much to you, I will look into it, all right? I, for one, am filled with a sense of foreboding when I contemplate the future of a culture whose primary source of recreation is watching more and more mindless television.
Don't you agree, Frasier? Now, why is Gilligan magnetized? Because he was struck by lightning.
Every time this episode airs, you ask that question.
Sam? Damn it, now, why is Cliff having his personal mail sent to my bar? Well, when you've been harassed by as many agents of the government as Cliff has, you naturally develop a reluctance to give them your own return address.
Ah, Cliffie got a letter from The Tonight Show in California.
Is he still trying to sell jokes to Johnny Carson? When's that poor guy gonna give up.
He is I hear he's leaving the show at the end of May.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Cliffie! Hey.
Sam, pour me a cold one, will ya? It's been a long day.
What's the problem, bub? Eh, hard to say, I, uh, just seem to have lost the spring in my step.
Well, just pull one out of your head.
Oh, hey, you got a letter from NBC.
Aw, forget it it's just another rejection.
Oh, come on, now, how do you know that? Aw, Sammy, I'm just a plaything of that fickle maiden known as Miss Comedy.
Last night I went down to The Laugh Tureen to gig.
Well, they wouldn't let me go on.
It was amateur night they said I wasn't ready.
Cliff, you're not going to give up.
With the current sorry state of the world, we need your humor now more than ever.
Well, yeah, thank you very much, Lilith.
You know, you've always been my number one fan.
In fact, you've been my only fan.
I wasn't joking.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
It must have been the way you instinctively time everything.
You can't learn that, you know.
Save your breath.
Nothing's gonna do me any good.
Aw, Cliff, why don't you just go on back and lie down on the pool table.
I think there's a game going on.
Everybody's a comedian.
Everybody except me.
Carla, you hurt him.
Oh, thanks.
Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I- I'm just gonna open this letter.
Maybe it is good news.
I'm just so sick and tired of everybody in this bar having such a negative attitude.
I mean, you know, good things do happen.
So, did they buy his joke? Yeah, what do you think? "Mr.
Clavin, thank you very much "for your submission to The Tonight Show.
"We will not be using your material.
Enclosed is your submission.
" Hey, what was it this time? Let me put my beer down I don't want it coming through my nose.
"Today is Doc Severinsen's birthday.
"You know, Doc is so old, when he was a kid "he never blew out candles on his birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet.
" Lilith! You can't possibly be laughing at that terrible joke.
You don't find humor in the exaggeration of a contemporary man predating an event which took place 45,000 years ago? Well, had Cliff phrased it like that, sure, hellzapoppin.
Poor Cliffie.
I really kind of hate to see him suffering like this.
You know, I think it's about time we had Cliff put to sleep.
What? He had a lot of good years.
There is one way to cheer him up you know, we could change this letter of rejection to look like a letter of acceptance.
It'd be pretty easy, actually.
So are you just gonna dismiss my putting-him- to-sleep idea? We're not even gonna talk about it? You know, all we have to do is just white-out the word "not" and it looks like, "we will be using your submission.
" You're pretty good with that white-out stuff.
Sammy, I used to be an accountant.
Many is the time this stuff kept me out of Leavenworth.
I don't know, gentlemen.
Should we really encourage Cliff in these flights of fancy? I cite for an example his Kennedy conspiracy theory.
I, for one, have never believed the Beatles were involved.
Give the guy a break.
Okay? For once.
Cliffie! Cliffie come out here.
Yeah? We opened your letter from The Tonight Show.
Johnny loves the joke.
They're going to use it on the show.
Oh, you're kidding.
Read it.
Go ahead.
Hey! I did it! Ha-ha! I did it! I, uh, I sold a joke to Johnny Carson! Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life! Well, take your last look at Clifford Clavin, letter carrier.
Yeah, when my joke hits the airwaves, I'm gonna start a new career.
Yep, it's going to be Cliff Clavin, joke meister.
Doctor of Ha-Ha, the funny man.
Yeah, I'm going to be hanging around with a whole new group of friends: Oscar and Emmy.
Ciao.
Carla, what was your plan again? Okay, so we tell him he's getting a flu shot Hey, Sammy, look at this.
Here it is right here in the classified.
You can buy a used satellite dish for 300 bucks, install it yourself.
I don't know anything about installing a satellite dish.
Oh, come on, Sam, what's the big deal? You clamp it to the roof and you run a few wires down.
I don't know, Carla.
My Uncle Skyler tried to do that with a milking machine right before an electrical storm.
Cows never forgave him for it.
It was worth it, though.
We had cottage cheese sandwiches for a month, I'm telling you.
Hey, everybody.
Guess what.
Cliff Clavin is off to the entertainment capital of the world the dream factory, the land of glitz, glamour and make-believe.
What, you're going to Chucky Cheese? No, Woody.
Going to Hollyweird, California.
Yeah, I've got some nonrefundable tickets here in my hand; they're going to take me to Burbank.
And, uh, when Johnny Carson delights America with my joke, me and Ma are going to be sitting there watching it live.
You know, they write an awful lot of jokes, Cliff.
Uh, just 'cause they bought yours doesn't necessarily mean they're gonna use it.
Aw, geez, Norm, uh, I'm a little confused here.
I guess you're the one who is currently employed as a writer for The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson.
You're right, Cliff.
I'm just saying you could be setting yourself up for a big fall here.
Norm.
The only question is is whether Johnny is going to invite me to sit up there on the couch next to him.
Oh, hey, I'd better call Ma.
She'll be thrilled.
You've got to do something, man.
This has gone far enough.
I can't, Sammy.
I'm no good at giving bad news.
Oh, what are you talking about? You told Vera about losing all those jobs, right? I'm gonna get to that, when the time is right.
All right, I will.
I will.
I will.
Uh, oh, boy.
I was right.
She was tickled pink.
Yeah, the two places she most wants to see before she goes to the great beyond is Formosa and Burbank.
Cliffie, there's something I have to tell you, buddy.
Oh, wait.
Norm, there's something I got to tell you first.
Well When I was at the travel agency, I got, uh, three nonrefundable tickets to Burbank.
And guess whose name is on the third one.
Please don't let it be Norm Peterson.
Norm Peterson! I'm going to California! I love working with my hands, don't you, Sam? Yeah, Woody, I do.
But not with any mechanical stuff.
Hey, do you have any idea how a satellite dish works? You mean you don't? Well, to be honest, no.
Well, you've got a satellite up there.
How far up there? Oh, about 72 million miles, give or take a few light years.
And it's got a gizmo up there so when you send your TV stuff up there it shoots it right back down here to this baby.
Boy, you sure know a lot about the world, Sam.
Oh, Woody, I'm an avid reader.
When you look up there at all those stars and all those galaxies you realize just how big this satellite dish really is.
Boy, oh, boy.
This is something, isn't it, Ma? Who would have believed it? There it is, the couch, the desk and the curtains.
Huh? Huh? Listen, Cliff, um, before Johnny starts his monologue, there's something I really want to tell you.
Oh, suddenly it's Johnny, huh, Norm? I mean, I work with the man and I don't even get to call him Johnny.
Anyway, before he starts the monologue I'd like to tell you something, okay? Hey, uh, Cliff Clavin.
I'm from Boston.
I, uh, wrote tonight's monologue.
Really? Then you know Johnny? Well, does anybody really know Johnny? Hey, there's those people we met in line.
I'm going to go over and say howdy-do.
Norman, I want to thank you.
For what? Well, I know Clifford doesn't have many friends.
I remember that surprise birthday party I organized for him and you were the only one who showed up.
Yeah.
Where were you, anyway? I just forgot.
Mrs.
Clavin, I have a confession to make.
What do you mean? The Tonight Show didn't really accept Cliff's joke.
I got ahold of the rejection letter and I sort of changed it around to make it look as if they accepted it.
Oh, my Lord.
I wanted to tell him earlier, but it's been so long since I've had a vacation and Lord knows I've needed one.
Norman, you are a naughty, naughty boy.
I'm sorry.
You're his best friend.
You've got to do something or suffer the consequences.
Okay.
All right, uh, let me see what I can do.
Excuse me, buddy.
Uh, could I talk to you for a minute? What do you need? Um, how would you like to make a couple hundred bucks? What are you talking about? A friend of mine wrote this joke, and I was wondering if you could, uh, sort of slip it into Johnny Carson's monologue.
Oh, sure, we do it all the time.
Most of Johnny's jokes come from folks just like yourself in the audience who offer us money.
I admit it's, it's a bad joke, but the guy's entire existence is riding on this.
This is a bad joke? I mean a sure clunker? Johnny will definitely bomb with this? I'm afraid so, yeah.
Well, I'm out of work in a month anyway.
Jay Leno has his own people.
Let me see the joke.
Oh, great, thank you so much.
How much can I give you, huh? Ah, don't worry about it.
Just buy me a beer after the show.
Wherever you go, people are the same.
Well, Woody, I think we did it.
I think we got this thing working.
Sam.
Yeah? You think there's a reason for all these stars and all these planets and for all of us being here where we are? Yeah, Woody, I do.
Well, would you happen to know what that reason is? Come on, man, I'm just proud of myself for installing this satellite dish.
Do you think I'm supposed to marry Kelly, Sam? I mean, do you think that's what the plan is for me? You getting cold feet, buddy? Well, yeah, it is a little chilly up here, but I'm trying to talk philosophical.
Yeah, I think you should marry her.
You guys are in love, man.
That's the best.
You know, sometimes I don't think I'll ever find someone.
I thought Diane was going to be the one, but it turns out she wasn't.
Which was lucky for me because if she had been I just would have ended up killing her and dying in the electric chair.
That is lucky.
And Rebecca.
Well, we wanted to have a baby together, but that's no reason to get serious about anyone.
You know, I used to think I had it made.
You know, I-I got my freedom, my bar, goes without saying I'm a love machine, but recently, you know, when I've been alone, I kind of feel lonely.
Well, Sam, uh, you know, Kelly and I are probably going to have a big, beautiful house someday with, uh, you know, a garden and swimming pool and lots of servants, and when you get too old to take care of yourself, you can come live with us.
Aw, that's sweet, man, but I think I'll I think I'll be able to manage.
Would I get my own room? And now, he-ere's Johnny.
Thank you, folks.
Please don't suck up; I'm leaving everything to Doc.
I don't know if you know this or not, but today is Doc Severinsen's birthday.
You really dressed up tonight.
Yeah, a little something special.
If you think that's in bad taste, you ought to see him in his real birthday suit.
Doc is so old Oh, my God, here it comes.
How old is he? Yes.
when he was a kid he never blew out candles on a birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet.
Ooh, stay where you are.
Fortunately, folks, in a situation like this, the, uh, the band has instructions to come over and form a human barrier in front of a star.
How did that line get on the cue cards anyway? I should have done that joke with one of those big blue dots covering my face.
Who wrote that joke anyway? I- I wrote that joke and it was great.
Pardon me? The problem wasn't the joke, the problem was you.
You botched it.
You botched my joke, Johnny Carson! Sit down, please.
I'm not going to sit down! I wrote that joke.
Get your hands off me.
Is this the way you treat your talent, Carson?! Ladies and gentlemen, the president of NBC.
Excuse me.
With all due respect, Mr.
Carson, you didn't tell my son's joke correctly.
You're his mother? Yes.
And I want you to tell it again and this time put a little life into it.
Audience, can you stand to hear this joke again? Doc is so old How old is he? when he was a kid he never blew out candles on a birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet.
No, no, now tell it again and this time hit the word "have.
" And it wouldn't kill you to turn on the applause sign.
Hit, hit, hit the word "have"? Have.
Doc is so old How old is he? when he was a kid he never blew out candles on a birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet.
You see, they heard that joke three times and they still laughed.
Now, don't tell me my son doesn't know comedy.
You-You're a pretty funny lady yourself.
Would you like to come down and join me? Ooh, I'd love that.
Here, hold my purse.
Oh, this is so exciting.
Oh, yeah, there'll be a lawsuit, that's for sure.
In a year, this is going to be the Clavin Broadcasting Company.
Yep, his name is in the computer.
And here's a flash he's a postal worker.
I can take your torture.
I'm not scared of you guys.
My poor mother's out there.
Thank you very much.
She had to watch her only son being dragged off.
You've probably broken that old woman's spirit.
Johnny, I want to give you a little advice.
Mm-hmm.
When you retire, get dressed every morning.
You don't want to sit around all day in your pajamas.
You lose some dignity.
Ah, thank you, Mrs.
Clavin.
Oh, please, call me Esther.
Ma's with Johnny.
Esther, how did your son get this joke on in the first place? A friend of Clifford's arranged that.
Mm-hmm.
In fact he's here tonight.
Norman, come on down, and bring my purse.
Listen, come on, let's get out of here.
Ah, in a minute, Norm, in a minute.
Normie, right here this is where Johnny did my joke.
Yeah.
Yeah this is probably just the beginning, though.
I mean, who knows? You know, Leno may see it, uh, hire me as a writer, in a few years, retire himself, name me as his successor.
Come on, Cliffie, let's come on.
Go on, I'll meet you outside.
Come on.
Ladies and gentlemen, he-ere's Cliffie.
Feels, uh, feels good, doesn't it? Sure does, Mr.
Carson.
Now, get the hell out of here before I call security.
Esther, does Spago's Restaurant sound okay? Nobody knows for sure, Woody, but that's what I think happens when you die.
Well, that's great, Sam, especially the part about the Snickers for breakfast.