Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Little Match Girl

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Yep.
Woody's wedding was quite an event, wasn't it, Norm? Oh, man.
Huh, huh? Boy, what a night that was.
Yeah.
Yeah, the priest dying.
Yeah.
Carla being caught in a dumb-waiter.
Ha! How about that German guy trying to kill Sam? (chuckling) "Du, dort!" Remember that? Yeah, oh, golly.
Oh, yeah, but all that was nothing compared to the wedding itself.
Yeah.
Oh, now, there was a comedy of errors.
(chuckling) Hey, it's not quite 2:00.
What do you say we, uh, stop off at Cheers, huh? Won't, uh won't Vera be angry? She'll never know.
Yeah, well, I guess not.
She she sure put away that champagne at the wedding.
Yeah, she's a big girl.
Yeah, she's still out cold, too.
(sighs) Okay, just don't slam the door when you get out.
And remember crack a window.
You're a good husband, Norm Peterson.
(theme song begins) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
CARLA: Okay, Sammy, I'm going home.
I put away all the glasses.
The, uh, bottles are in the storeroom, and all the rest of the garbage from the wedding's in the office.
Thank you, honey, I'll lock up.
Where's Rebecca? Just told you, she's in the office.
Hey, Norm, uh, you mind if we make a stop or two on the way home? I, uh, forgot to finish my route.
Cliff, no.
Eh, all right.
I'll do it tomorrow.
Hey, Rebecca.
Hi, Sam.
You okay? Yeah, I'm just thinking, you know.
Weddings always make me do that.
I have nothing to show for my life.
Oh, come on.
You're being a little harsh on yourself, aren't you? I mean, come on, take a look at today, right? The wedding started to fall apart.
You pulled the whole thing together.
Yeah, I sort of did, didn't I? You bet you did.
You know, you know, I used to think that if I married a millionaire or if I had a baby, I'd be a better person, but now I realize that the only thing that's gonna make me a better person is me.
Boy, as scary as that sounds, it's true.
In fact, you see this cigarette? This is the last cigarette I'm gonna smoke forever.
(chuckles) This is gonna be my my symbol of change, you know, the old Rebecca burning away.
And I'll tell you something else.
Starting tomorrow, there's gonna be no more whining and no more complaining.
I am gonna be the best manager in the whole world.
(chuckling) Okay, good night.
I gotta get my life together.
No more screw ups.
No more mistakes.
Good-bye, old Rebecca.
(door opening, closing) (crackling) (indistinct radio chatter) Well, I think we've got this one pretty much under control.
You get hold of the owner? Yes, sir, should be here any minute.
Engines 28 and 30 can head back.
Oh oh, my God.
Mr.
Malone.
Everything's under control.
The fire's out, no one was hurt.
It was basically confined to this end of the bar.
Oh oh, this is terrible.
How did This is my bar.
Oh, man.
Oh, oh, yes, wait a minute.
(laughing loudly) Oh, thank God! Whoo! (laughing) This is great.
This is really good.
I'm sorry? Gary, you know, from Gary's Olde Towne Tavern? Oh, we're doing always doing pranks like this, you know.
First, he makes the bar look like it burned down, and then he gets you guys to go along with it.
You are very good.
Whoo! Come on, lighten up, will you? Come on, Gary! Come on out.
Hey, you know, time to push the button, make everything go back together again, Gary.
Gary! It's not Gary, is it? Sammy, this is terrible.
You know, it just hurts me just to look at this place.
I know, I know.
But I'll tell you something.
As soon as the insurance kicks in, we're gonna get this place back on its feet in a couple of weeks.
I just wish I knew how it started.
Hold it right there.
What are you saying, Sammy? That a Tortelli kid would torch his mother's place of business just for spite? No, I'd never think that.
Why not? It's plausible.
Listen, just just start cleaning up.
You know, we're gonna all gonna feel better if we just start cleaning up.
You know, I gotta say, Sammy, you're taking this whole thing pretty darn well.
Not like some people.
NORM: Oh, the humanity.
(Norm crying) Norm, I wish you'd stop saying that.
You've got to get a hold of yourself.
I'm sorry, I I just This place means so damn much to me.
It's my home.
Hell, for the last few years, it's been my life.
And the thought of living without it, Sammy (Norm weeping) Oh, buddy.
Now, I'm gonna be over at Gary's for the next few days, okay? I want you to give me a call when it looks decent, all right? Somebody said there'd been a fire.
Oh, my God, I had no idea it was this bad.
Sam, what happened? We don't know yet, sweetheart.
But don't worry, everything's gonna be fine.
I've already called the contractor, phone company, the electric guy.
I think that's everybody.
Sam? Well, almost everybody.
Well, Sam, I see you monkeys have discovered fire.
Would you like to come upstairs and see the damage at Melville's? You know, why not? It might even cheer me up.
Hi, everybody.
What happened here? Woody, we had a fire.
Oh, no.
This is terrible.
This is Cheers, my home for the past seven years, the place where I grew up, and now look at it.
You ought to see the pool table.
It actually fused to the floor.
Really? Cool.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Cliff, was that undelivered mail? Oh, yeah, it was, Doc.
Oh my sweet Lord, what a catastrophe.
I mean, there could be letters from mothers to sons in there.
Social Security checks, wedding invitations.
Well, there's only one thing left for me to do now.
What's that, Cliff? Get up early tomorrow and stage a Jeep accident.
Well, it's a good thing this fire didn't spread.
It could have been like that fire my great-grandmother's cow started.
Darned thing kicked over a lantern, burned an entire city to the ground.
Yep.
The shame was so great, the family had to move to Ohio and change their last name to Wilkins.
But, Woody, you're from Indiana, and your family name is Boyd.
Oh, well, some stuff happened in Ohio.
Come on, Woody, we've got to get to the airport.
You know, when these things happen, it really makes you stop and think.
Bye, everybody.
Next time you see us, we'll be tan.
Bye, Woody.
Well, I discovered the cause of the fire.
Same old story.
Some idiot tosses a cigarette into a trash can, and the whole thing goes up.
Are you sure? Yeah, seen it 100 times.
When are people gonna learn? (hyperventilating) Are you all right? Uh-huh, I'm fine.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
You know, I couldn't help overhearing that conversation.
Wild guess: Your cigarette? No.
Rebecca, you burned down the bar, didn't you? What, am I wearing a sign? Are you gonna tell Sam? Could you? I don't really think it's my place.
No, I mean, could you tell him you did it? Rebecca, you have a very difficult choice to make.
My advice to you is to simply tell Sam the truth.
He's gonna find out about it in any event.
You're right.
He will.
All right, I'll tell him.
And I mean, he's a friend of mine, and it was an accident.
He'll understand, won't he? Okay.
Thank you, I feel better.
(footsteps) REBECCA: Sam? Could I talk to you a second? Yeah.
Sam, we found out how the fire got started.
You're kidding.
No, and-and the guy said, you know, he's seen it happen seen it a lot.
How did it happen? What I-I'm getting to that, it's just sort of hard to say.
Please tell me.
All right, all right, I-I'll The fire was started by Faulty wiring.
Faulty wiring? Faulty wiring.
Been meaning to take care of that for years.
My God.
I burned down my own bar.
Oh, Sam.
Oh! It's gonna be okay.
We all make stupid mistakes.
No.
(both crying) CARLA: Okay, guys, I got the plastic bags.
You can start bagging the soot.
What happened to you? Uh, a little Jeep accident.
Nice of you to, uh join us, Norm.
Well Thought you were gonna wait it out at Gary's.
Well, I was, but then it I came to my senses and realized my place was here helping Sammy.
If we all pitch in, we'll have this place back together in no time.
Gary wouldn't run you a tab, huh? No, he was a real jerk about it, too.
(door squeaks open) FRASIER: Rebecca? What? Have you told Sam how the fire started? Oh, yeah, I told him, and, uh, he kissed me, and he hugged me, and he-he told me what a big person I was to tell him.
You didn't tell him, did you? Of course not, you moron! Rebecca, don't you realize that unless you tell him, your guilt will get progressively worse? You'll start to shake.
You'll get the cold sweats, insomnia, nervousness.
Suddenly one morning, you'll wake up, and you'll be paralysed from fear and guilt.
I can live with that.
It'll just be like every other Monday.
Well, I called the insurance company.
We're not getting a penny.
What?! Well, it turns out that my insurance policy, uh, had a $25,000 deductible.
Isn't that rather high, Sam? Yes, it is, Mr.
Where The Hell Were You When the Agent Was Talking a Mile a Minute? God, man, I'm, um, in a lot more trouble than I thought I was.
Rest easy, my friend.
I'm gonna take out my cheque book, and I'm going to write, "Pay to the order of Sam Malone.
" Then I'm going to fill in an amount that will be more than adequate to bring Cheers back to its former glory.
There.
I've signed it.
Now all we need is the signature of Lilith Sternin-Crane.
Oh, she'll put up a fight, the little badger, but this is important to you, so it's important to me.
I'm simply gonna go home and demand that she sign it.
Yes, demand! I don't care what she says.
She will sign it! Thanks, Fras.
Uh, you know, I'll probably just go to a bank or something, you know? Oh, thank you, Sam, thank you.
There was no way.
You understand.
Your monthly cash flow is, uh, this figure here? And now you want us to grant you a loan? Yes, please, and by the end of the day, too.
Thank you.
Uh-huh.
Am I on one of those programs with the hidden camera? Oh, no, I-I'm afraid you're not.
I know I'm not.
I was making a point.
Mr.
Malone, there is no way we can grant you a loan.
I've been to every bank in town.
They've all said no.
Listen, oh, come on, you know, you're supposed to be the friendly bank.
Remember, you know We're the friendly bank Mr.
Malone Oh, come on.
I've seen the commercial.
You know, you-you're supposed to sweep everything off your desk here and offer me a cup of coffee.
You don't even have any coffee here! Mr.
Malone, good afternoon! Oh, please.
Don't you remember? You know You and us Working it out together Doris, do send in Security now.
You know, You and us Making the world better Sam I burned down the bar.
And, you know, see, speaking of bars burning down, guess what I did? Hi, Sam.
Did you get the loan? No.
Oh.
It's all right, though, you know.
It's not the end of the world.
Yeah, I've been thinking long and hard.
I got a plan here.
You know, I figured that if I, uh if I cash in my baseball pension, you know, max out my credit cards and maybe move to a cheaper apartment, and well sell the Vette.
A neighbour of mine, Kirby, uh, had his eye on it for a long time, and, uh, he's upstairs right now taking a look at it.
No, no.
Sammy, your Vette? Well, I You know, it'll be all right, um she'll come back to me.
She'll-She'll find me.
Like Lassie? All right, Sam, you got yourself a deal.
All right, okay.
There's the check.
Yeah, thanks.
Thanks, Kirby.
That's great.
The, uh the title and the, uh, registration are in the glove compartment.
Yeah.
Okay.
Great.
Well, uh, so I guess all I need now are the keys.
Sam, the, uh, keys? Thanks.
Thanks.
No, no! Wait! Wait! (groans) Please.
Listen, there-there's another way.
I just thought of another way.
See, I can get this money.
All I have to do is, uh, come up with a simple product that America needs.
What? No.
Listen to me.
You know, like-like the Pet Rock.
Or the, uh You know, the vacuum thing that-that cuts your hair at the same time.
Or-Or maybe even, you know, the-the toilet duck.
You-You know, just throw it together from scraps around here, you know, and-and sell millions of 'em.
You know, why didn't I, uh, think of that before? Sam, you're just making this harder on yourself.
Yeah.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
You know, they, uh, stole that toilet duck idea from me.
Hmm? Yeah.
Yeah, you see, uh, in my original sketches, I had it as a goat.
KIRBY: Look, uh, Sam, if you don't mind, uh, I'm ready to drive my Corvette home now.
(clears throat) Sorry, Sammy.
Oh.
Thanks.
(mumbles) Kirby, take care of her.
(door closes) This is a day I never thought I'd see.
SAM: Yeah, me, too.
You know what makes it worse? This is all my fault.
You know, I'm the one who did this to myself.
If I'd checked the wiring, you know? That's a stupid mistake I'm gonna live with the rest of my life.
(crying) Oh, come on, what is it now, Rebecca? (crying) I have something I have to tell you.
(crying) (Rebecca sniffles) Sam, the fire wasn't your fault.
I was smoking a cigarette, and I burned down your bar.
You did this? You did this to me? Yes, yes, of course.
Why didn't I figure this out earlier? My bar burns down, you're within 50 miles it all fits.
Sam, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, what-what what were you thinking? Huh? You tired of screwing up your own life? You start to pick on mine? You know, of all the stupid, stupid things you've done in your useless life, this is your masterpiece! I'll tell you what.
Why? Get out.
Get out of my bar.
(sighs) (door opening) (horn honking, engine revving) Sam, it was an accident.
She had it coming.
Nobody had that coming.
I don't want anyone to defend her.
She's gone.
Case closed.
Let's just get back to work here.
I'll give you a hand.
Well, I guess we've seen the dark side of Sam Malone.
Hmm.
You want to see dark sides, you ought to see Ma when you leave the shower curtain on the outside of the tub.
Wow.
That's something you don't do twice.
I know you don't want me here, and I'm going.
I just wanted to drop this off.
I cashed in my checking account and savings, and, uh, everything I could scrape together.
I owe you this.
Good-bye, Sam.
Rebecca, wait-wait a minute.
No.
Sam, look, you and I don't have anything to say to each other.
You said some things today that you cannot take back, and you really hurt me.
And I know that what I did was terrible, but what you did was worse because you did it on purpose.
I don't want to ever see you or this bar again.
Good-bye.
Do you want your job back? (crying): Yeah, I really do! I'm sorry.
Listen, uh, why-why don't I, uh, get my jacket and drive you home? Or maybe, uh maybe we'll take a walk.
It's such a nice, nice evening.
Sam, uh, just out of curiosity, why are you taking me back? Well, I I remember that five years ago, after I had sold this place, I came back to the bar, and, you know, my boat had sunk, I didn't have a dime, I didn't have a job, and I needed someone to give me a break, and you did that.
And I owe you one.
Sam Hey, listen, uh, this is very important.
We're even now.
Oh Yeah.
All right.
You want to go out and get a pizza or something? Sure.
All right.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Um, I don't have any money.
Oh, that's okay.
We'll-We'll just take it out of my life savings.
All right.
This should just about cover it.