Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Magnificent Six

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, Cliffie.
What you doing? Uh, writing a letter of application for the Eco pod.
What the heck's the Eco pod? It's a totally self-contained environment located in a mile-wide bubble underneath the desert floor.
Yeah.
It's gonna be inhabited by the best and the brightest of the, uh, human species, so I-I thought I'd apply.
They're gonna have a zoo in there, too? Yeah.
Yeah, very funny, Carla.
You'll be laughing out of the other side of your face when they make me Postmaster General of the Eco pod.
Actually, the Eco pod does have some scientific merit.
It was designed by a colleague of Lilith's, Dr.
Louis Pascal.
It will serve as a prototype for the colonization of space.
Plus which, the grant money is incredible.
I hear Pascal's driving a Lexus.
Boy, I sure hope I get a shot at being sealed up in that thing.
Say, would a petition help? It might.
Hey, I'll sign that.
No! I'm first! Okay Boy.
(weepy): You guys are the best friends a fellow ever had.
(theme song begins) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Sammy, when is Woody getting back from his honeymoon? I've been working a double shift for two weeks, and I'm exhausted.
Oh, thank you.
Come again.
Oh, my God, who am I? Uh-oh.
Isn't that Henri, that jerk who's always trying to steal Kelly from Woody? You know, I just don't like that guy.
Con artist.
Yeah, Mister Frenchie Two-Face.
Hello, fellows! Hey, Henri! How's it going? Hey, Henri, what can I do for you? Uh, I need a favour, Sam.
I need you to tell the Unemployment Office that I applied for a job, and you turned me down.
(laughs) Sammy, come here.
What? Listen, why don't we hire the guy? That would help me out a lot.
Oh, I-I don't know about that.
Henri, did you ever tend bar? Well, yes, but CARLA: You're hired.
No, no, but you are missing the point.
You are to turn me down and send me on my way so that I might spend my afternoon watching television.
I'm sorry, man, but I need the help.
Thanks.
(speaks French) Okay, give me an apron.
Oh, mon dieu.
I am filling Woody's shoes.
Oh, the pressure.
Well, Henri, let me be your first customer, okay? I would like a beer, please, and put it on my tab.
Aren't you supposed to pay when served? Well, as long as we're bringing up the matter of debt, Frenchie, let me bring up a couple little things called World War I and World War II, okay? Now, why don't we subtract the cost of my puny little beer from the enormous debt that you owe us? Okay, okay.
Hey, uh, you came down pretty hard on him, didn't you, Norm? Damn it, Cliffie.
My dad was almost in the army.
(whistling) (indistinct crowd chatter) Say, can I bum a cigarette? Yeah, I got one right Oh, God! Sam, I swear, I swear.
I can't believe you No, this is the only one that I've had! You promised me you would not smoke in the office.
We had a little problem with that, remember? Ding-a-ling-a-ling.
Whoo! Whoosh! I know, I know, and I've tried to quit, but it's too hard- I just can't! Yeah, well, you need some professional help.
Oh, wait a minute.
Yeah, here we go.
"Smokers Anonymous," "Smoke Beaters.
" Oh, yeah, yeah.
"Doctor Kluger's No-Mercy Clinic.
" Wait a minute.
Let me see that.
Here we are.
Sam, he doesn't even have an ad; it's just his name.
How about going with this one with the cute little smoking kitty? Yeah, uh, is this, uh, Dr.
Kluger? Well, my name's Sam Malone, and I have an employee that needs to stop smoking right this very minute.
Can you help me out? Yeah, tell me about your program.
Oh! Ow! Boy, I bet that hurts, huh? Wow, I bet you really have to be a doctor to do that, don't you? Uh, no, no.
It sounds terrific.
Yes, I can.
All right, great! Thank you very much.
Sounds good.
Oh, yeah.
I'll fit it in in my spare time.
Maybe I'll stop by next week.
No, you don't understand, hon.
We got to get you up to the sidewalk right now.
They're sending the, uh, Kluger van.
Oh, yeah.
Van? Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Kluger van? It'll be good for you.
You'll be all right.
(distant phones ringing) So, you're the girl who likes to smoke.
You don't intimidate me.
I've been to a million of these places, and they don't work.
I'm out of here.
Oh, well, fine.
Go.
You're free to leave.
No doorknob.
(laughs) Yeah, that's right, Miss Howe.
Because you have the key, and the key is discipline.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm scared.
Why don't you just save yourself some time and unlock the door? Uh all right, Miss Howe.
Relax.
Have a seat.
(chuckles) Why don't you have a cigarette? In fact why don't you have, a thousand cigarettes? Now you are going to smoke until you can smoke no more.
But I predict you will not get past 50.
No one has ever gotten past 50.
I had 50 in the van.
Oh, well, I can see this is going to be a challenge.
All right, hold my calls.
And so you can imagine my embarrassment when I made two dates for the same night.
Uh, what happened when your two lovelies arrived? Was there a cat fight? Oh please, tell me there was a cat fight.
Of course.
There was a big cat fight.
They were very, very naughty.
I don't even know why I kept letting them up on the bed.
Henri, where was the strangest place that you ever Oh, that would have to be, uh, ah, during a performance in the balcony at the Paris Opera.
And believe me, it wasn't over until the fat lady sang.
Very impressive.
(chuckles) And what about you, Sam? You're supposed to be a great ladies' man? All right, let's see, the strangest place, that'd have to be, uh, the back of a car.
Well, that's not so strange.
The car's on an assembly line, Henri.
You played with me, Sam.
Hey, I like you.
It's nothing personal.
As a matter of fact, I think of you as kind of a young Sam Malone.
Uh, don't you mean, you're kind of, uh, an old Henri? No, I don't.
Well, but why should we argue the point when we can settle it in battle? (chuckling): What do you mean? I suggest a little competition.
All right, here's what we do.
We shall collect phone numbers from beautiful women.
Whoever has the most phone numbers at midnight will be acknowledged as the world's greatest ladies' man.
That's a great idea.
Hey, take him, Sammy! Yeah, put him in his place.
Don't listen to this.
It's a stupid idea.
HENRI: Oh Do I hear a scaredy-cat's tune? Would you grow up, Henri? Scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat.
Hey, hey, stop that.
Hey, please, will ya? Maybe ten years ago I would have taken this silly bet.
But I'm, I'm older, and I'm a little wiser.
Oh, well, maybe you're right, Sam.
Maybe we don't need to compete.
(sighs) I'll simply be king of ladies' men and you'd be the mayor of Scaredy-Cat Town.
You'd better hurry.
I am about to get my first number.
Yeah, well, he can get all the numbers he wants.
I'm not going to stoop to his level.
Bravo, Sam.
You handled that very well.
It's good to see that you've evolved beyond the playboy mentality of bedding every woman you meet.
Times have changed and you've wisely changed with them.
I applaud that.
Oh, well, I appreciate that.
Thanks.
Thanks very much.
Well, the king of babes is dead.
What the hell are we supposed to do now? Norm.
Yeah.
Tell the bartender I need a vodka-rocks.
Sammy, Carla needs a vodka-rocks and a beer.
Carla, will you cut it out with this "tell the bartender" stuff? It's me, Sam.
Sam is dead.
He died, when he wouldn't take the challenge from Henri.
You know, that's just childish.
Can we please just talk about anything besides this damned bet? Yeah.
Okay, how about this? What would, uh, Metropolis be like if Superman retired? Oops! One thing wrong with that scenario.
Superman gives a damn.
I've got two more numbers, Sam.
Yeah, well, I'm not playing, Henri.
You will, Sam, you will.
Yeah? What makes you think so? Because I know you, Sam.
Deep down you're a, uh-uh, babe-hound just as I am.
Admit it.
With every phone number I catch, you die a little inside.
You can deny what you are to the others, but not to me.
Come, Sam, come over to the dark side! Just go fill a pretzel bowl, will you? Okay.
Okay.
But after they're filled- come to the dark side! Normie, now that Sammy's dead, you realize we're gonna have to live vicariously through Henri? No, Cliffie.
Just say we stopped living vicariously through others, huh? What do you say we get off our duffs for once, and live ourselves, so that some other poor slubs can live vicariously through us? Huh? What do you say we (laughs) Oh, shoot! Damn, I nearly got through it, too! You were good.
Yeah.
I thought you were gonna do it! You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
It would make my life worth living if only I could have your phone number.
WOMAN: Sorry.
Nothing personal.
I just don't like French guys.
Oh (coughs) (with American accent): Well, uh, that's, uh, that's just an affectation.
I'm Chuck from Portland.
I-I just figured you're so sophisticated that you-you wouldn't have anything to do with plain old me.
You should have more confidence, Chuck.
Maybe this will help your self-esteem.
(with French accent): I got another one.
Thank you.
Sammy! I am thrashing you soundly.
You better hurry! You'll never catch up! Look at Sammy just standing there.
Maybe Henri's right.
Maybe he is a (French accent): scaredy-cat.
You guys don't get it, do you? You know, it's I've done all this babe-chasing stuff.
All right, here-here's what it is.
It's like- it's like watching The Three Stooges.
You know? You watch the early ones with Curly, and they-they were magic! And then- then you watch the later ones, you know, where they're using the same jokes with Curly Joe, and it just breaks your heart! See, what I'm saying is I guess, you know, you-you've got to move with the times.
That's all.
Well, listen to the scaredy-cat knocking Curly Joe.
I got another one, Sam! Hey! Hey! The whole issue is closed, Henri.
I'm not taking the bet.
Oh, very well, I give up.
I won't bother you again.
After all, what can I expect from an American? You are all fat, lazy, stupid.
All you want to do is watch TV, eat fast food while your easy women are scooped up by handsome foreigners like myself.
That tears it! You've just drawn blood on the US of A, pal! Cliff, calm down.
Calm down, nothing! Sammy might be missing in action, but on behalf of this great nation, I'm gonna go out there and collect more telephone numbers than that sleazy Frenchman! What about it, men? Are you with me? You know, I'm usually afraid of girls, but it's for America! Me, too! Then let's go!! Hey, fellows, fellows, fellows! All right, please, take your seats.
Okay, Henri, you're on.
Carla, get the babe kit.
(gasps) Not the babe kit! Sam, are you sure?! Yeah.
Oh, but, Sammy, he's just a kid! He didn't know! Maybe it's time he grew up, Carla.
Oh, but Sammy, you told me never to get the babe kit! Henri, you shouldn't have brought America into this.
Ooh! The babe kit! I'm shaking! (laughs) What is this babe kit? Tell me.
Tell me! ALL: Scaredy-cat, scaredy- cat, scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat! Okay, Carla, I'm ready.
Bring in the kit.
Before you open this thing, I want you to know this is a one-shot deal, tonight only.
In this box is the Sam Malone I used to be.
Sammy, if you've outgrown all this stuff, why do you keep it? I thought maybe one day I'd have a son.
(gasps) Sam! Oh! Sam! The first edition of your little black book.
Yeah.
Oh! (gasps) Your Members Only jacket! Oh, Sammy, a picture of you and Elvis! Yeah, yeah.
The chicks really love that.
What kind of cologne is that? It's a special blend; Old Spice, Hai Karate and something that takes spots out.
I'm not really sure.
Well, I'll leave you to prepare.
Yeah.
Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in! So, I wanted to be an artist.
The old man wouldn't have it.
Off to medical school.
I could never please him.
Aw.
Not you, with all the important work you do? Well, it was never enough.
You poor, poor man.
Mm.
Oh, watch it.
Don't get ashes on my diploma.
Oh.
Hey, guys! Hey.
All right, Fras.
Say what's the, uh, tote board for? I thought Sam wasn't gonna take that bet.
Well, he wasn't, but then Henri turned it into a big grudge match France versus the USA.
At the last hour, Sam stepped in for our side.
Damn, and I missed it! I was home teaching my kid to read! I could kick myself! Thanks a lot, sweetheart.
I-I'll give you a call next week.
You know, I think the two of us could be very special together, Michelle! Or should I say, uh, number eight? Yeah! (bell dings) ALL (chanting): USA! USA! USA! USA! Wait-wait-wait.
Oh, my God! Is it really you? Uh, yeah.
Hi.
How long has it been? Oh I love what you did with your hair! It's great! Thank you.
Are you still going with, uh Oh, shoot.
Steve? Yeah.
Steve, right.
No, no, apparently, he wasn't ready to make a commitment.
Is that Steve or what? (both laugh) That's right.
God, you look wonderful! Hey, give me a hug.
It's great to see you.
Great to see you.
Wait, this is crazy! This is crazy! Here, look, give me your number.
I don't want to lose touch with you again.
You know, I really meant to call you a couple of times.
Here.
Well, shame on you for not.
Give me another hug.
All right.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
See you later.
Sammy, who was that? How the hell should I know? ALL: USA! USA! USA! So how many orphans did you save? Oh, 15, 16 if you include their little puppy.
You went back in to save a puppy? Well, he was an orphan, too.
Oh! My card.
HENRI: Oh, thank you.
Uh, could you push that down for me? Oh, sure.
How am I doing, Carla? Well, it's all tied up with, uh, two minutes left.
No sweat.
Oh, that's what I like to hear.
The old Sammy's back! Oh! I can't believe it! Excuse me, miss, have you seen a, an Olympic gold medal from the decathlon? I hate to lose it.
It was part of a set.
But I'll tell you something, I would give them all up for a shot at your phone number.
Look, I find you very amusing and, uh, I appreciate all this flattery, but if this is just some bar pick-up, I wish you wouldn't.
I'm just coming off a bad relationship and I'm very vulnerable right now.
Oh, well, I'm, uh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know that.
Uh, actually, I'm, I'm not an Olympic athlete.
(softly): Sam, hurry! Uh, I'm a secret agent.
Uh I'm sorry.
You were right the first time.
It's a sleazy bar pick-up.
Yeah.
Forgive me.
It was very childish.
Good luck to you.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Sorry.
(clock rings) Aw, shoot.
I guess Henri wins.
I win! I win! France has won! France has won! There's something you never hear.
Well, Henri, you won fair and square.
Congratulations.
Yes, I did, Sam, and on behalf of Frenchmen everywhere, let me just say (blows raspberry) (laughs) Well, thank you.
How very gracious of you.
Shame on you, Sam.
Shame on you! You threw back the tying babe just because she was vulnerable.
The old Sammy would have kept on pushing till he got the number.
Well, maybe I'm just not the old Sammy anymore.
No, I guess you're not.
Uh, excuse me.
Yeah? Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I, uh, appreciate you being such a gentleman back there.
Oh, well You know, I don't meet many men who are like that.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
Good luck to you.
Hey, what are you doing later on tonight? Uh, I thought you wanted to be alone.
What about all that vulnerable stuff? Oh, that was just a line I use to find out what kind of man I'm dealing with.
(laughs) Good for you! Hey, you guys, you have to meet this guy.
He is such a gentleman.
Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, yeah, and he's cute too.
Oh.
Listen, we're gonna go out.
Do you want to come along? It's a lot more fun with four.
Yeah.
Look, there's one thing that you should know.
We do everything together.
Everything? Everything.
Yeah.
Well! Ladies, ladies.
Uh, Carla, uh, would you close the bar for me? Uh, oh, Henri, uh, congratulations on that, uh, that, uh, phone number thing we were doing.
Okay, ladies, right foot! (laughs) ALL: USA! USA! USA!