Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Daddy's Little Middle-Aged Girl

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
And I look up and I say, "It will never do, it will never do.
" I just cannot believe Normie.
Huh? Normie, it's the Kennedys.
Let's go tell the guys downstairs.
No, no, no, I've got a camera with me.
Here, quick, get a snapshot.
I'll I'll pretend I'm with them.
I'll be nonchalant, okay? Oh, would you guys like a picture? Oh, that would be great- do you mind? No, no.
You sure you don't mind? Great, thank you.
Thank you.
Okay.
(chuckling) That's great.
All right.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
Nice to see you.
Nice to meet you.
Bye.
Yeah.
Bye-bye.
All right! Hey! (theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Hey, Cliffie.
Hey.
What you doing? I'm, uh, writing a little letter here to that Russian cosmonaut who's stranded in the space station up there.
How are you gonna get it to him? (phone ringing) WOODY: Cheers.
Hi, honey.
Oh, now, let's not go through this again.
I thought we already had it decided.
We're gonna stay in my apartment.
Well, how do you know you don't like it? You haven't seen it yet.
Trust me, Kelly, you're gonna come to love Chinatown.
Now now, don't forget, our place is the one right next to the shop with the beheaded ducks draining in the window.
Well, I love you, too.
Bye-bye.
(smacks lips) What was that all about? Well, uh, since our wedding, Kelly and I have been living in one of the Gaines' guest houses.
Now she wants to get a house of our own, but I can't afford it, so I think we should just live in my old apartment.
You kept your apartment the whole time? Well, I kind of had to.
I have a ten-year lease.
How did you get stuck with a ten-year lease? I had to do some pretty fancy talking.
I save ten bucks a month.
That's money in my pocket.
Let me ask you something.
You-you think Kelly's gonna be happy in that little place of yours? Well, what does it matter? I'm the husband- I call the shots.
Isn't that rather sexist, Woody? Well you've got to understand.
That's how I was brought up.
Back in Hanover, the man is the king of the castle.
When he gives an order, all his wives have to listen.
Wives, Woody? Wife.
I said wife- singular.
(laughing): I mean, the thought that a man could have more than one wife, that's preposterous.
I mean, I not to mention illegal.
I know that.
So do all the citizens of Hanover.
Anybody else curious about Hanover? Come on, Norm, I'm sure it's just a a normal, rural, small, little farm town.
I'm sure Woody's stories are all greatly exaggerated.
Want to go there? What, end up as a human sacrifice to the corn god? Thank you, no.
Ooh, nobody told me the fleet was in.
So what can I get you, you silver-haired boy toy? I'm looking for Rebecca Howe.
Why do you want hamburger when you can have fillet mignon? She's my daughter.
Ooh.
Excuse me, uh Hi there, I'm sorry.
Uh, did I hear you right, that you're Rebecca Howe's father? That's right.
Captain Franklin E.
Howe, United States Navy.
Oh, I'm Sam Malone.
You know, maybe she mentioned me to you.
Yes, you're the bright young fellow who tried to have a baby with my daughter without the sanctity of wedlock.
So, my name came up then.
I have just one question for you.
What the hell were you thinking, boy? What the hell were you thinking? Um, well, we were both thinking, sir, that, you know, because we're such good friends we weren't in love, yes, that's true, but we thought maybe we could be a, you know, mommy and a daddy without the commitment and the other stuff.
I know I know saying this right now sounds kind of even to me, it sounds Is it hot in here or is it just me? Daddy.
Daddy, what are you doing here? I just wanted to see my little Pookie.
Oh! (Rebecca giggling) Everybody, I want you to meet my father.
You can just call him Brig- that's his nickname.
They call him Brig because he put so many sailors in jail.
Then, why don't they call me Brig? Daddy, over here.
Daddy, I'm so surprised to see you.
Is anything wrong? Well, to tell you the truth, Pookie, your mother and I became a little concerned when we received your last postcard.
Well, why? It said, "Having a wonderful time.
Wish I were dead.
" Daddy, why don't you just sit here, and I'll get us a couple of beers or something.
Everybody, psst, psst, come here, come here.
Listen, I need your help.
Listen, my my dad can be kind of critical, so let's not go into some of the dumber things that I've done while I've worked here.
Well, what are we gonna talk to him about? I don't know.
You could talk to him about anything.
Talk to him about the weather.
Just my dad sort of thinks that I'm some sort of screw up.
ALL: No! Very funny.
It all started when my dad took me as a little girl on a tour of his aircraft carrier, and I well, to make a long story short, I I shot something off the boat.
One international incident, and I am branded for life.
Anyway, I just it's just very important that he thinks that I know what I'm doing, so let let's not bring things up like losing the liquor license or, uh or the flood.
And God forbid, do not mention the fire.
She lost the liquor license, and then she flooded the place? That's not the capper.
(chuckling): Then, she burned it down.
Oh, Pookie.
You burned down the bar.
I know, I was gonna tell you, but I thought you'd be mad.
I see.
It's the playroom incident all over again.
Pookie, I'm very concerned about you.
I mean, let's review.
Oh, no, Daddy, let's not review.
In the past year, you tried to have a baby with a man you weren't married to, you burned down your place of business, and now, according to your last letter, you want another raise in your allowance.
Uh, excuse me, did you just say, "a raise in her allowance"? No, he did not say, "raise in allowance".
He said "That old, lazy Jack Palance.
" Daddy, what say we go have some lunch? Come on.
Let's talk about the family.
How is Susan doing? Oh, your sister is fine.
She got a raise and a promotion.
That bitch.
CARLA: Hey, guys.
Guys, guess what grown-up bar manager is still getting an allowance from her Navy dad.
Who? SAM: An allowance, huh? That explains how she can afford a fancy car and that apartment of hers.
Boy, imagine somebody getting an allowance at her age, huh? My ma cut me off when I was 30.
No ifs, ands or buts, and it hurt, I tell you.
Hurt like hell.
Oh, but it had a happy ending.
Made you more self-reliant, Cliffie? Nah, nah, a couple years later, her pension fund went bankrupt.
She had to come crawling to me for some dough.
Yeah, I just gave her the old horse laugh.
What goes around, huh, boys? It's got to be just so demeaning, you know? You're living your life on the dole the whole time take, take, take.
You want that on your tab? Yeah, please.
How can she look at herself in the mirror? I would die of embarrassment.
How was lunch, sweetheart? It was terrific.
You know, when I was a kid, I used to be afraid of my dad 'cause he was sort of pushy and overbearing, but I'll tell you, we have really learned to communicate.
It's just like two adults, one on one.
CARLA: You mean like one adult asks the other one for a raise in their allowance, and the other adult says, "Okay, Pookie"? (chuckling) Very, very funny, Carla.
Now, now, now, let's not all jump down Rebecca's throat.
I received a stipend from my father for a time, a little out-of-pocket money to spend as I saw fit on entertainment, what have you.
So, you see, I've been through exactly what Rebecca's going through right now.
Thank you, Frasier.
And then, I turned 11.
Hi, Woody.
Oh, hi, honey.
Did you find the apartment? Yes, Mr.
Smarty-Pants, I found it.
Very funny.
Now, where's your real apartment? What are you talking about? Woody, the place you gave me directions to was this stinky little room with bars on the window and an old Farrah Fawcett poster on the wall.
Hey, I'm married, not dead.
KELLY: Woody, please let my family buy us a house.
Don't make me go back to that place.
Kelly, that's our home.
That's all I can afford, and that's where we're gonna live.
(sighs) Well, Mr.
"No wife of mine "will have her family buy us a house even if we have to live like peasants" Boyd, if you insist, then I guess I have no choice.
Well, first of all, that's not my name.
And second of all, I do insist.
Fine, I'll move my furniture in first thing this afternoon.
I have to tell you, Woody Boyd, this is the worst day of my life, and I wish I was dead.
Bye, everybody.
Oh.
Thank you.
Hey, pretty boy! Where's my daughter? Well, she's in the office.
You want me to go get her? No, Woody, I think he was talking to me.
(chuckles): Oh, right.
Maybe a few years ago.
God, this place makes me sick.
Bunch of indolent do-nothings sitting around on their fat cans.
You know, if you squint really hard, it could be Vera.
You know, I happen to agree with you there, Captain.
But then again, uh, we men of uniform tend to think alike.
That's not a uniform, that's a costume.
Doesn't become a uniform till you strap on a side arm.
You ever done that, son? Some days, when I'm feeling jittery.
REBECCA: Oh, Daddy.
You're back.
Pookie, I've been doing some thinking.
We've got to talk.
Sit down.
Not another review.
Yes.
Another review.
Princess, we have a situation here.
Now, I've butted out of your life for 39 years.
Thirty-five, Daddy.
Honey, I was there.
I've come to two decisions.
One: I've decided not to up your allowance.
Two I don't want to hear two.
Well, you're going to.
Two: I've decided to pull the plug on your Boston life.
You're coming back home to live with your mother and me.
What?! I'm sorry to say you've made a mess of things.
Now, I'm going back to my hotel to pack.
I expect you to do the same.
H-Hold it a second, Daddy.
You can't do this to me.
I am a grown woman.
I'm an adult! I can stand on my own two feet.
You heard me.
You're coming back home with me.
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was adopted! I wish I was never born! I don't mind telling you that went a lot better than I thought it would.
Well, Malone, how long do you think she can stay in there? Sorry to say, sir, for a long time.
There's food in there, there's water, and the sofa pulls out into a bed.
Well, there's a shock, sex boy.
Hey.
You asked Daddy, I've thought it over.
You were right as usual.
So I'll pack my things and come home with you.
Well, just don't stand there.
Wait, wait, wait, you can't, you You're not just gonna pack up and go live in San Diego.
Why not? Who am I kidding? You heard him.
I'm just a failure here in Boston.
Oh, sure, I say it five years ago and get yelled at.
You're doing the right thing, sweetheart.
Your old room is waiting for you.
You'll have a chance to regroup, get your life back in order.
Yeah, that's how they try to sell it to you, but read the small, fine print, baby.
After a couple of weeks, you'll be crazier than a rat in a coffee can.
You'd better be running along, sweetheart.
You've got a lot to do.
I'll meet you back here tonight.
That- Wait-wait-wait.
That's it? You're just gonna do it? Well, he is my daddy.
Well, well, he Well, you may not be able to do it, but I can.
Excuse me for a minute, sir.
You know, if you don't mind me saying so, I-I don't think you're being fair.
You can't ask her to pack up and go just 'cause you don't think she made it.
Was it that kind of persuasive arguing that got my daughter into trying to conceive your bastard child? Boy, you-you really just can't see your way past that, can you? Everyone, I-I-I have something to say to you.
I came here to this bar five years ago a strong, independent business woman.
And now I'm going to go back home and move back in with Mommy and Daddy.
You've all really touched my life.
Captain Howe, I normally make it a point not to butt into people's personal affairs, but, sir, you are quite possibly the meanest, most loathsome father I've ever seen.
Don't get your panties in a bunch, son.
She's not going anywhere.
I beg your pardon? I was using reverse psychology.
I tell her she's failed and demand that she come home with me.
She, in an effort to prove me wrong, stands up to me, tells me off, then refuses to take any more money from her mother and me.
We don't even have her old room anymore.
It's a sewing room.
Oh, that's ni- Y-Your wife sews, huh? Don't impose gender roles on me.
Trust me.
I know my daughter.
It may take a little while, but eventually she'll screw up her nerve, she'll walk through that door, and she'll tell me off.
In the meantime, I'll just, uh, stay here and wait.
Give me a beer.
Sir, did I ever tell you that, uh, I was in the Coast Guard? Coast Guard, huh? Well, you must be very proud, Miss.
So buy a girl a drink? (groans) KELLY: Honey, it's open.
Uh, Kelly? What is all this? You told me to move all my furniture in so I did.
Why? Is there a problem? Well, do you think you laid it out in the best possible way? I don't think it matters, Woody.
We'll just live in a cramped apartment.
All right, you win.
I'll call the realtor, and-and, uh and we'll go look at houses, okay? You better hurry.
I can't feel my legs.
As a man who has 30 years of naval experience, I can say in all confidence that if that crew got together and shot Gilligan, they'd have been off that island in a week.
Problem solved.
Well, I see it didn't take you long to suck him into your little world there, Norm.
(chuckles): You kidding? Give me an hour with the Pope, I'll have him singing the Mister Ed theme.
So I-I take it Rebecca hasn't returned yet? No.
I'm getting worried, too, you know.
If she was gonna stand up to her father, she'd be here.
And I'm afraid she's gonna pack and go home.
God, it'll be nice to get my daughter off the gravy train.
Finally, I can afford to retire.
Daddy, I'm ready to go home.
Uh, uh, just-just a second, Pookie.
Boy, looks like your little plan didn't work, huh, sir? Uh, that-that was not a criticism, but, uh, you know I-I thought that was gonna work myself.
I thought it was a damn good plan.
I-I don't understand why it didn't w It should have worked is what Is it still hot in here? I'm Pookie, uh, I have a little confession to make.
You see, I only asked you to come home with me so, uh, so you would stand up to me.
I was using reverse psychology.
Wow.
Yeah.
What time does our plane leave? No, no, no, no, no, uh, Pookie.
Well, you still don't get it.
I was throwing down the gauntlet to make you prove that you could take your life in your own hands.
Oh, come on, Daddy, let's get out of here.
No, no, no, no.
You're a big girl, now.
You don't need me anymore.
You can make it on your own.
No, I can't, Daddy.
I do need you.
Well, how about if, uh, how about if I raise your allowance 25%? Just 25%? Well, I'm a bigger failure than that, Daddy.
You said so yourself.
Fifty percent.
Fifty percent.
Maybe I can make it.
Look out, Boston.
Pookie, I love you.
I love you, too.
But you know, Daddy, with the high cost of living and inflation Okay, okay, okay.
Seventy-five percent.
Look, Pookie, can I go home now? I got to get to work in the morning.
Oh, Daddy, you work so hard.
When are you gonna get to retire? Apparently, when they wrap a flag around me and slide me off the ship.
Rebecca Howe, you shamelessly extorted money from your own father.
High five! Wait-wait-wait a minute.
So you were never planning to leave? No way.
When did you cook this whole thing up? When I went in the office when I was mad, I called my mother to ask her what to do.
Huh, Mom.
Becks again.
Yeah.
The fish bit.
Mother, Mother, your cut is in the mail.