Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Norm's Big Audit

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
This particular kind of granite comes from Barre, Vermont.
Get out- Barre? Yeah.
Yeah, you can take a tour of their whole operation up there.
Yeah? Yeah, ask for a guy named Asa.
Yeah? Yeah, you can tell him I sent you.
He'll, uh he'll do you right.
He'll set me up? Oh, sure.
You see, it's got the, uh (both chuckling) Excuse me, sir? Hey, hey, yo.
This man obviously mistook the uniform of the United States Postal Service for one of the common valet there, Norm.
Now that you mention it, Cliff, you know Mistake or not, though, the man has entrusted a valuable possession to one who proudly wears this uniform.
As long as that man is in that restaurant, I-I cannot shirk the responsibility he has laid upon these shoulders.
What are you gonna do, just hang here for a couple hours while the guy eats? Norm, my friend, this is a Jaguar.
Jaguar plus postman equals adventure.
Let's do it.
(laughing) (engine starting) (Norm and Cliff laughing) (theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came ♪ You wanna be where you can see ♪ ♪ Our troubles are all the same ♪ You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Hey, Cliffie, what you doing? I'm filling out an application for the Boston Marathon.
It's, uh, something I do every year.
Wait a minute, you run in the Boston Marathon? No, no, I just get the free T-shirt.
It, uh, impresses the girls down at the gym.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, you-you work out in a gym? Well, no, I just hang out in front with the T-shirt.
FRASIER: Hey, listen to this.
According to the TV Guide, they're playing an old Red Sox game on Play Ball later.
What is Play Ball? Well, it's, uh, this show on channel 58.
They replay classic Red Sox games.
Hey, say, listen, Sam? This is one of your games.
Yeah, July 14, 1975, relief pitcher, Sam Malone.
CLIFF: Hey, Sammy, what do you say we make an evening out of it, huh? Yeah, popcorn, pretzels, beer.
Gather around the old TV set.
All right, sounds like a nice change of pace.
Yeah, what the hell? That sounds like a nice idea.
Say, honey, can you do me a favour? Can you hand me the, uh, baseball almanac under the bar? Uh, I was drinking a lot back in those days, and there's something about 1975 I don't remember.
What's that? The summer part.
I-I-I don't want them seeing a game where I embarrass myself.
All right, here we go.
July July 14, '75.
Red Sox versus the Orioles.
Red Sox won.
Oh, right.
I pitched three innings.
I must have been okay that day.
All right, fellas.
Yeah, let's have a party here, huh? ALL: Finally, you're gonna see why Sammy's so famous.
Actually, uh, we don't get the channel that shows why Sammy's so famous.
(all laughing) (phone rings) (groaning) Cheers.
Oh, hi, Vera.
Uh, no, Vera, I'm sorry, Norm's not here.
Can I take a It's an emergency? All right, all right.
Whoa, you're not gonna believe this, Vera, but Norm just walked in.
(muffled): Hello, everybody.
ALL: Norm! (muffled): Why, hello, Mr.
(mumbling) (all laughing) Hi, honey.
What's the problem? What, an IRS audit? No, it can't be this afternoon.
They've got to give you at least three, four notices.
This is the fourth notice? All right, all look, don't worry about it.
Don't listen, as long as you're checking the mail, uh, could you check to see if the, uh, Victoria's Secret catalogue came in? It did? Good, good.
Just just hold onto it, okay? And for God sakes, don't order anything.
Hey, Norm, what are you doing? Just getting prepared.
I'm gonna bury this auditor in paperwork.
I got phony receipts.
I got a postdated diary.
I got fake mileage logs, the works.
Why are you meeting the auditor here? Old trick, Rebecca: you meet the enemy on your own turf.
Yeah, well, that's very smart there, Normie, very smart.
Hey, let me give you another hint.
Keep the authority figure on your own eye level.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, it intimidates them.
Really? Oh, yeah, sure.
You know, whenever I get stopped by a policeman, I get out of the car and face him eye to eye.
Hey, you know, that's good thinking, Clavin.
And you know, another good thing to do is reach into your vest pocket real sudden like.
Give the cop a good start.
That way, he won't push you around.
Ah, well, thank you very much, Carla.
Just planting the seed.
Take a look at all this stuff.
Just take a look at all this stuff.
When she sees this, she's gonna crumble.
Did you say "she"? Yeah.
What are you worried about? What do you mean? All you got to do is flirt with her a little.
(chuckling) Right, flirt- me? Yeah.
Come on.
I haven't flirted with a woman since I met Vera.
Actually, I think she killed the part of me that flirts.
Come on, I mean, you can do it.
You compliment her a little.
You sweet-talk her.
Before you know it, she's putty in your hands.
Yeah, right.
Would you flirt with an IRS agent? I do it with the tollbooth guy.
I'm looking for Norm Peterson.
And you are? Dot Carroll, IRS.
He's right over there on the corner.
NORM: Ah, Ms.
Carroll, I've been looking forward to meeting you.
After all, I'm an accountant myself.
And I should be interested in that because? No reason.
No reason at all.
Is there someplace we can talk? Yes, uh, the office there, uh I think you'll find that everything's in perfect order.
It better be.
I just spent two hours with some horse's ass who tried to play the old fake receipts and diary on me.
Can you believe it? Ouch.
Okay, fellas, bring it on in here.
Put it over there under the other television, all right? And plug it in for me.
What's with the big screen? Oh, some channel is playing one of Sam's baseball triumphs tonight.
Here, see for yourself.
(Carla clears throat) Sammy, can I talk to you for a minute? You betcha.
You know, about this game that's on tonight Uh-huh.
Do you remember what happened? Yeah, I won.
(chuckles) Hey, Sam, this was in your drinking days.
I mean, this is the game where you thought the Orioles' mascot was a huge mutant bird.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, remember? Oh Yeah, you threw a fastball at him.
You hit him right between the eyes and gave him a concussion.
Well, what would you do if you saw this gigantic bird coming at you? Would you just let it attack you and peck your eyes out? Come on, it took you three years to live it down.
I mean, you really want these guys seeing it all over again? Shh shh Sammy, all set for the big game tonight, huh? STEVE: Hey, all right.
A big screen TV.
Hey, Sammy, we ordered a bunch of pizzas.
Say, uh, fellas, hey, listen, you-you-you don't want to watch that silly old game, do you? Let's see what else is on at 8:30.
Hey, here you go, look at this.
Magilla Gorilla, huh? ALL: Come on! $500 to have your nails wrapped? Yeah.
Yeah, I have a very low calcium count.
According to these receipts, you had a lot of business dinners with a C.
Yeah, he's a, um, very important business client.
I constantly have to wine and dine the guy.
Well, I certainly hope he enjoyed his three Whoppers.
I believe he did, yes.
Peterson, about this work diary from 1989 Yeah.
I'd be willing to bet that if I took this to my office for an analysis, they would discover that the ink is not more than 30 minutes old.
So what, you're gonna try to penalize me for copying it over for neatness? Mr.
Peterson Yeah? As an accountant, I'm sure you're aware that the penalty for defrauding the United States government is imprisonment.
This conversation just took a left turn.
Fake receipts, phony diary.
Peterson, you are in very big trouble.
I can't believe I'm hearing this from someone as doggone it, as as, uh, as lovely as yourself.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? Come on, just take a look at you.
You've got the sculpted cheekbones, those smouldering eyes, a voice any man could get lost in.
You're not giving yourself enough credit, Miss Carroll.
I mean, surely I'm not the first man who's ever said these things to you.
I think I know what's going on here, Mr.
What? I wasn't born yesterday.
I know when someone's making a pass at me.
And let me tell you this, buster, you're coming on to an official of the United States government, an auditor for the Internal Revenue Service.
This meeting is over stud! We'll continue this audit in my hotel room.
Ritz Carlton, room 147.
Meet me there tonight.
And P.
, I play rough.
I tell you, as far as I'm concerned, you got it made in the shade with this IRS chick.
Hey, not only do you get out of jail free, but, uh, you get a little action on the side.
High five! Nobody.
NORM: Well, Miss Ann Landers, are you happy? I took your advice- I flirted with the woman.
Now she wants to sleep with me.
What do you suggest now? I suggest you keep the lights off.
Thank you.
Well, I say, sauce for the goose.
At last a male is being sexually harassed.
Let this be a lesson to us.
I mean, how many of us have, in our lives, in some small way, depersonalised a member of the opposite sex? Whoa, mangos- two for a buck! You see? That's exactly the kind of boorish behaviour I'm talking about! Hey, Sam, how's it going back there? Uh, fine.
All I got to do is undo these two wires, and the fellows will never see the game.
(electrical crackling) (grunts) Sam, are you okay? I just remembered.
I fought in the Civil War.
Hey, you know, I think you busted the TV.
Wow! What happened? Oh! Yeah, uh, I'm sorry, fellas.
I was, uh, I was, you know, trying to make the colour just right on the TV for the big game, and, uh, something blew.
Ah, Sammy.
(men grumbling) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, guys.
But, hey, don't worry about it.
They're-They're bound to show it again.
It was a hell of a game.
I was pretty good in it, too, fellas.
Don't worry, Sammy.
We'll watch it on the regular TV.
(cheering) No, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Tim, actually, put that down, put that down.
Uh, forgot to tell you, fellas, that, uh, I was working on that TV earlier, trying to get the colour just right for the game, and, uh, damnedest thing, it-it blew.
It blew as well as the big screen there.
Uh, I guess we're just not meant to see this game, huh, fellas? It's okay, Sammy.
We can, uh, see it on my little Watchman.
Where did that thing come from, Paul? I take it with me everywhere.
You know, you can, uh, run it on batteries, or I plug it in the, uh, cigarette lighter in my car.
Paul, you watch TV in the car? I don't like to miss my stories.
Can I see that? Oh! (chuckles): Look at that.
I'll be damned.
That's a beauty.
I guess you just Oh.
I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry.
Uh, Paul, I'll-I'll replace it.
It's $300.
No, I meant the beer, Paul.
Sam, Sam, your behaviour leads me to one of two conclusions: A) You're trying to keep us from seeing that game; Or B) You've just suffered a small cerebrovascular accident.
What the hell is going on here, Sam? All right, I'll I'm sorry, fellas.
It's just I don't want you to see the game.
I made a real idiot out of myself.
I was, I was drunk that night when I was pitching, and, well, I kind of got mad at the Oriole mascot and well, I skulled him.
Sammy, now, are-are you talking about that-that big stupid bird that used to dance around on top of the dugout? A-Actually, Alan, it turns out that's a man in a bird's costume.
See, I just, uh well, I-I'm real embarrassed about it, and it'd mean a lot to me if you guys didn't watch the game.
I-I-I don't want to be remembered like that.
We understand, Sam.
Yeah, Sammy, all you had to do was say something.
It's okay, Sam, really.
Ah, hey, thanks a lot, guys.
That-That means a lot to me.
Thank you.
Uh, Carla, give these guys a drink on the house.
Thanks a lot, fellas.
(chuckling, chattering) Thanks, Sammy! Thanks a lot.
That's great.
Looky here.
Hey, Paul, you got two of those? Yeah, I always keep one charged.
(chuckling, ball game playing over TV) (dryer blowing air) (dryer stops) So, Norm, decide what you're gonna do? I know one thing's for sure.
I can't just sleep with some woman so she'll go easier on my tax audit.
You know, uh, Norm, I've known you for a long time, and I consider you a friend.
And I, uh, just want you to know that I got connections.
Might be able to make it a little easier for you.
You mean people in the IRS? No, prison.
Thanks a lot.
Of course, if I tell this woman that I'm not really that attracted to her, she'll get so angry, I will wind up in prison.
Well, relax, Norm.
I've been brainstorming, and I've come up with a plan.
Yeah? Yeah.
I'm desperate; I'll try anything.
Come on.
All right, tell you what, here's the plan.
I go to the hotel in your place, right? I reach in, flick off the lights, say "Room service for Dot Carroll.
" In the meantime, I've got a big bag full of wild squirrels with sparklers attached to their tails.
I drop them in the room.
They run around terrified, setting off the alarms and the sprinklers.
Okay? In the ensuing hubbub, she forgets all about her little date with you.
Trust me.
You think a cold shower's a mood killer? Try a bag of wild squirrels.
Thanks, Cliff, but, uh, you don't have to go to the trouble.
That's all right; I already got the squirrels.
Thank you, but no.
Okay, okay.
Hey, Norm, I got an idea.
What? Why don't I just pick up the phone and call Vera and tell her what's going on? Now, listen.
She'll run over to the Ritz Carlton and burst into the room before anything can happen.
This way, Dot can't get angry at you, and you'll be off the hook.
Yeah, yeah.
Then Dot tells Vera how I came on to her.
Either way, I spend the next ten years sleeping on a cot.
Well, Norm, you could get, uh, someone to impersonate Vera.
Well, thanks, Fras, but I doubt that Ed Asner has time to hop on a plane to Boston.
Well, I was thinking more along the lines of, uh, a friend in the bar.
(scoffs): Oh.
NORM: Come on, Carla.
This was your idea in the first place.
Oh, no.
What do you say you help me out? Come on.
Oh, and why should I? You haven't left me a tip in 15 years.
Frankly, I never felt the service was all that great.
Come on, are you gonna help me or aren't you? Forget about it! All right, fine.
I'm on my own.
I'll just go over to the hotel and throw myself at her mercy.
I'll plead with the woman.
I'll beg her.
I'll say how wrong it is for her to force me to do this.
What the hell, it worked for me on my wedding night.
I'll make this short and sweet.
When I say "go," you tear off my clothes, and you can't use your hands.
Well, hell, come on in.
Enough foreplay.
Let's be sheet meat.
Did I tell you that I was married? (scoffs) Congratulations.
Let's celebrate with a roll in the hay.
Listen, there were some things I said to you this afternoon that I-I really Don't worry.
I'll be gentle.
Drop trou on three.
One, two (knocking on door) Who the hell's that? I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it.
CARLA: It's me, Vera, your wife! What are you doing in there, Norm?! You better not have a woman in there! NORM: Honey, honey.
(gasps) Vera, now, now, now, calm down.
Calm down, honey, calm down.
Dot, I am so sorry.
How could you?! I couldn't help myself.
How could you? Let me put your mind at rest, Mrs.
Nothing happened.
Oh, thank God.
Well, I guess that's it.
We'd better go.
Hey! Aren't you a waitress at that bar? What? I don't believe for a second that you two are man and wife.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm Vera Peterson, Norm's wife.
Okay, if you two are so happily married, let's see a big, open-mouthed, sloppy kiss.
Right now.
We don't have to do that.
That's right.
That's for the privacy of our boudoir.
If I don't see some evidence of your happy marriage, I'm gonna go through your receipts with a fine-tooth comb.
Honey? I'm sorry, Norm.
You're gonna fry.
Okay, Peterson, what's going on? All right, Dot.
All right, I'm gonna be honest with you.
That wasn't my wife.
My wife is probably home in bed.
The truth is, Dot, I'm not a very good husband.
(sighs) I hardly spend any time at all with Vera.
We never talk.
I don't know her birthday.
I don't know when our anniversary is.
But I don't cheat on her.
Now, that may not sound like much to you, but to me, it's the difference between being a bad husband and being a bad person.
So, go ahead, d-do your worst.
Throw the book at me.
I should've known.
I scared you away, didn't I? I'm always scaring men away.
What is it about me?! Don't just stand there, tell me! Uh (sighs) You could lighten up a bit.
I mean, you do come on sort of strong.
And while we're at it, you could cut back to three or four packs a day.
I do it to stay thin.
Want one? All right, this isn't about me, okay? Oh, I guess I'm just not used to somebody saying nice things to me.
Well, I could start right now.
All right? (sighs) I believe that underneath that gruff exterior, you're probably a very nice, warm, caring person.
Okay? And I say that knowing that you're probably gonna throw me in jail.
(scoffs) You're not going to jail, Norm.
I wouldn't throw a decent man like you in jail.
Thank you, Dot.
Better head back to, uh, Cheers.
Um, you want to stay here and talk a while? I probably shouldn't.
Got a minibar.
Well, if you need a friend.
That'd be nice, just you and me, talking.
Room service for Dot Carroll.
(squirrels chittering)