Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Bar

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
(brakes squealing) (theme song begins) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Hey, Cliffie, take away that beard, and you know who I'd swear that is? Oh, yeah, you took the words right out of my mouth, Normie.
Mr.
D.
B.
Cooper himself.
Yeah, I've been trackin' him for 20 years now, and now he's found me; The supreme irony.
No, Cliff, I was going to say Robin Colcord.
Huh? Oh, yeah! Yeah, you're right.
Isn't that something? Well, my search continues.
A glass of ice water.
And, uh, by the way, hello, Sam.
Hello, boys.
I'm back.
Robin! Robin Colcord! I'll be damned.
How you been? Look at you! Why you, uh, why are you dressed like that? Well, my friends, I'm not the same Robin Colcord you once knew- I am penniless.
CARLA: Robin! You left here with six million bucks! Remember, you had it hidden in that money belt in the office? Yeah, well, I gave it away.
And now I'm a drifter searching the world without a dime and finally liking what I find inside me.
Well great.
No, seriously, Robin, you know, what have you been up to? I've been living.
I walked through Europe.
I worked a kibbutz in Israel.
Joined the merchant marine.
Had the great honour to be blessed by the Pope.
But listen to me going on about myself.
What have you fellows been up to? Hitler moved into my building.
And, uh, how's Rebecca? Is she still luscious? Uh, no.
Actually, she slimmed down.
My Rebecca.
You know, I can't tell you how much I've missed her.
And now to see her again, to look into those amber eyes, to hear that crystal bell of a voice.
Crap, Sam! Your desk smells like somebody puked in it! Rebecca, I'm back.
(breathless): Robin! My sweet baby! Is it really you?!? Yes.
I knew you'd come back for me! I quit! I'm out of here.
No more petty job for Rebecca Howe.
No more hanging out with you poor, pathetic, boring losers all day! My prayers have been answered.
Robin's come back for me, and I'm rich! I'm rich! Why are you dressed like that, Robin? Well I've taken a vow of poverty.
I have only what I'm wearing and what I'm carrying in my rucksack.
Well, that's very sweet.
Uh, did I just call you guys a bunch of names a few minutes ago? Yeah.
I'm sorry, I just have these episodes when I'm around rich people, sort of like a blackout.
No harm done, 'kay? Uh, Robin, listen.
You know, I'm really interested in hearing all about what's been happening with you, so what say you and I go to dinner tonight, just the two of us.
Well, I'm afraid it would have to be your treat.
Of course it would.
Well, splendid.
I'll, uh, just go and wash up, eh? Poor guy.
It's a real comedown, isn't it? Seems happy though.
Of course he's happy.
He's lying.
I'm afraid of the rest of this.
Sam, don't you see it? He's testing me.
Remember the last time before he left, he pretended like he was poor and I rejected him? And then it turns out he wasn't poor, he was rich? Well, he's testing me again.
He wants to see if I've matured.
And I'm gonna make damn sure that he knows that material wealth means nothing to me.
And then he'll marry me and take me away.
And I won't have to spend any more time with you poor, pathetic, boring losers.
Day after day after day! Honey, it's happening again.
What? What's happening? Hello, everyone! So, what's new? Hey, Doc, you'd better settle in.
Have we got a surprise for you.
Really? Oh, yeah, yeah, a real shockeroo.
You'll never guess who's back.
It's Lilith, isn't it? Oh, thank God! She wants me back! Oh! Everything's gonna be okay now! I'll fall to my knees and tell her what a living hell my life has been! At last, the long nightmare is finally over! Where is my beautiful girl? Well, Doc, actually, it's Robin Colcord.
Oh good.
I wouldn't take that broad back if you paid me.
How'd it go? (quietly): He's testing me, but I'm passing with flying colours.
Sam, uh, I hate to trouble you, but do you think I could sleep in your storage room tonight? Sure.
Oh, Robin, don't be silly! You're not gonna sleep in a storage room.
I have a perfectly good apartment.
You're gonna stay with me.
Rebecca, you are an angel.
So, Rob, tell me the truth, you really don't miss having the big bucks? Not a bit of it.
Money makes people greedy, and greed is a disease.
I was a miser.
A sick little squirrel hiding money belts filled with millions of dollars all over the world.
You mean, uh, there were other ones besides that one you hid in the desk in Sam's office? I-I used to hide them in pairs, backups, in case someone found the first one.
Well, thank God I'm no longer obsessed by money.
Now all I need is happiness and companionship.
Uh, do you mind, darling? I've been walking since Tuesday.
Can we go home now? Yes.
You are inspiration.
And I, too, feel that money is the root of all evil and that friendship is true gold.
That's why I value your friendship so much, Robin.
Money! Money! Money! Money! Money! So, did anyone else hear Robin say that he hides money belts in pairs? Uh, I did.
Yeah, but he, uh, only walked out of here with one of them.
Uh-huh.
You don't suppose Oh, come on, give me a break, you guys.
I know what you're thinking.
There's no way in hell that he put another money belt in this place.
It's ridiculous.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right, Sam, I guess.
Damn right I am.
Okay, closing time! Everybody out! Come on, I mean it.
We're closed.
Get out.
Sammy, it's only ten after 8:00.
(yawns): Yeah, well, I'm really tired.
Come on, let's go.
Everybody out.
Sam Malone, you know, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
As soon as money enters the picture, you try to kick out all your friends.
Now, who was there for you when Diane left you, huh? Who was there for you when this bar burned down? Us, your friends, that's who.
I'm not kidding, get out.
Don't forget, Sam, that's not your money.
If one of us finds it and tries to keep it, the others can blow the whistle.
You guys would really send me to jail? In a heartbeat.
Okay, then here's the deal.
This is my bar.
Whoever finds it, I get half.
Huh? What do you say? Huh? All right.
All right, sounds reasonable.
And then the other half will be divided among ourselves.
I suggest that we split into teams to expedite the search.
Sounds good to me.
Of course it sounds good to him, he gets half.
What do you think you're doing, Sam? I'm gonna read my paper until one of you brings me my half.
All right.
Let's get to work.
Yeah.
Let's get to work.
Say, uh, Normie, does Sammy get half of what we find or, uh, half of what we claim to find? Oh, what we claim to find.
After all, the guy's not a mind reader.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, uh, we find something that's got, say, $6 million in it, we only give him $3 million.
Yeah.
We call it a finder's fee, shall we? Oh, my man.
Yeah Let's just call it a finder's fee, shall we? I want money I want money I need cash A whole bunch of cash I want money.
(music fades) Here you go.
I'll get you a couple more pillows and then you'll be just as comfy as you can be.
That's good of you, Rebecca.
You know, it must be awkward for you.
I mean, after all, we have a history.
Oh, Robin, please don't bring up the past.
I just feel so ashamed of the way I used to be.
I was so so bratty and so greedy.
I'd just rather not talk about it.
(phone rings) Why don't you get that and I'll be right back? Howe residence.
Oh! Uh, hello, Frasier.
I was just thinking about how you mentioned that you used to use, uh, hidden money belts, as financial security.
Well, it just so happens that I have some valuables that I'd like to hide.
But where? So I'd like to pick your brain if I could.
Uh, I know that you favoured the underside of desk drawers, but, uh, I thought you might throw out some more ideas.
Pretend that you're the old Robin.
(call waiting beeps) Uh, uh, Frasier, would you just hold for a minute? I have another call coming in.
Hello? Oh, yeah, hey, Robin, listen, uh yeah, found some sort of a money belt and I assume it's yours here, you know, but I hate to cause any problems in case it's not.
So, okay I get it.
Why don't you tell me where you hid yours and-and I'll tell you if that's where I found this one.
Well, uh, Cliff, I must admit that I had a penchant for hiding them in, uh, ductwork.
You know, that way they'd be easy to get to and, uh, impervious to damage.
Oh, uh, great, great, great.
Oh, uh, I guess this isn't yours.
Okay.
Uh, Frasier? Oh, Robin.
Hi.
Yeah.
Oh, that's okay.
Uh Mm-hmm.
Ductwork, you say.
Good-bye.
It's in the ducts.
We're rich.
We're rich.
Who was that? Your friends.
They're tearing apart your place of work looking for one of my money belts.
Oh.
Well, don't be too hard on them.
You know, the sad part is that two years ago I would have been right over there with them.
Yeah But, you gotta admit, a million dollars is pretty tempting.
But you're not tempted anymore, huh? Oh! No, no, no, not me.
Well, I mean yes.
It would be nice because of the good that you could do with it.
I would love nothing more than to be able to spend a lot of money on my favourite charity.
Which one is that? Oh, that's the Children's Boston something-something.
You know you're wonderful.
You know, you really are a lovely woman, Rebecca.
And, Robin, you are the most handsome, charming, sophisticated man I've ever met.
Well, thank you.
Uh, now, if you'll excuse me, I must go and wash out my underwear in the bathroom sink for tomorrow.
Robin? Uh-huh? You didn't by any chance hide one of those money belts over here, ever, did you? Hah.
Well, I mean, if I did, you-you'd be sure to have found it by now.
I mean, you have cleaned up in the past two years, haven't you? (laughing): Of course I have.
Be cool.
Be cool.
(sighs and groans) That's it.
There's nothing in the ducts.
We checked the office, the pool room, the rest-rooms.
I don't get it.
Unless you two are lying.
Huh? Just going along with this duct thing waiting for us to keel over with exhaustion.
Oh, yeah? How do we know that you two aren't lying? That's it, Clavin, you're history, man.
All right.
Come on, Tortelli.
Take your best shot, huh? I never liked you anyway.
I only pretended to because you liked me, obviously.
(growling) No, Carla.
Carla, no! No! Stop it.
Stop it.
Don't you see? Greed's turning us into animals.
We've got to behave like civilized human beings.
All right.
All right.
Now I've got some sodium Pentathol in my car.
If one of you is lying, we'll know it.
Are you sure you've looked in all the ducts? Yeah, we looked in all of them.
Unless they were in the ducts that burned up in the fire.
What are you saying? Six million bucks went up in smoke? SAM: Aw, it doesn't make any sense.
I mean, I cleaned up most of that rubble myself.
You know, there would have been some traces a buckle, some burnt pieces of money, something.
Sam, you're you're certain you were alone and you saw nothing? Now, listen, go back in your mind's eye.
SAM: All right.
Yeah.
All right, I, uh, came running in.
Everything was charred and moist, and I sweeped up a little bit and there was some wood, some glass, some metal.
Oh, yeah, then captain, uh a fire captain came in and asked me A fire captain? Oh, yeah.
Captain Dobbins.
He was there when I came in in the morning.
Yeah, well, I think we have our answer.
Hmm.
Hi.
Let me speak to Captain Dobbins.
Oh, he retired, did he? Hah! Six months ago?! Thank you very much.
Apparently the good captain has come into some money.
That crook stole our dough.
Yeah.
Gotta get him down here.
Yeah.
How? We just can't give him a call and ask him to drop on by.
Yeah.
Yeah, what are we gonna do? Leave this to me, Sam.
Oh.
I happen to know some people who can handle this kind of thing, no questions asked.
Might cost us a little, but they do good work.
Hi.
It's Mommy.
Wake up your brothers.
Robin, do you ever think about us? Well, I have to admit, Rebecca, yes.
Sometimes I do.
I have to tell you that since we broke up a day has not gone by that I haven't regretted it.
It-It was the biggest mistake of my life.
Do you really feel that way? Yeah, I do.
Robin, take me back.
Please? I want to be with you.
And I know you don't have any money, and that's fine.
Let's just go around the world together.
I don't want to have any material things.
I'll just, I'll just pack a bag of some, a few meagre things, and some makeup essentials and and then we'll travel around together.
You'd really give up everything for me? Oh, yeah.
You bet your booty I would.
I wouldn't make that mistake twice.
Rebecca, I'd love to have you share my journeys with me.
Robin.
Oh.
But, let, uh, there's, um, just-just one thing I have to tell you.
How much? I mean, go ahead.
You see, occasionally, I, um, I supplement my meagre lifestyle by stealing.
I did some time for that in Louisiana.
We may have to run from the police, sleep under bridges, eat out of garbage cans.
Oh, Robin, cut the crap.
I said I would go away with you, yadda-yadda-yadda-yadda.
Now, let's get real.
Uh, what are you talking about? I'm talking about, you wanted to know if I would still love you if you were poor, and I would, so we've settled that.
So how much money do you have? $30 million? $40 million? You mean all this time you thought I was still wealthy and that's why you've been so kind to me? You haven't changed a bit, have you? You haven't matured.
You're still the same selfish, gold digger you always were.
I'm poor.
Do you understand? Destitute.
I have to shoplift for food.
Sometimes I even have to beg for money.
Ten million? Zero.
I'm poor.
And I have no desire ever to be rich again.
You're not kidding, are you? No, I'm not kidding.
If my prediction is correct, you'll find that your affection for me has suddenly disappeared.
Oh, no.
No, it has not.
I still care a great (sighs) Who am I kidding? Oh, God.
I haven't changed one bit in two years.
Yeah, well, I can't say I'm not disappointed.
Robin, I'm so sorry.
Please Good-bye.
Good-bye, Rebecca.
Good-bye, Robin.
(grunts) Thanks, kids! Now wipe down the car, ditch it and get right to bed! It's a school night! Oh, Sam.
Thank God! Do you know this person? Shut up, moneybags.
Sammy, guess who's living in a brand-new house.
Oh, a new house and retirement.
You've got a lot of explaining to do, buster.
What are you talking about? Maybe you would like to tell us how you got rich six months ago.
Mm-hmm.
My grandmother passed away.
Do you mind? We happen to know there was a money belt hidden in one of those air ducts in that wall that burned down, and that money disappeared right around the same time your grandma so conveniently checked out.
Mm-hmm.
So, what have you got to say there Mr.
Trump? Hmm? This is ridiculous.
I don't know anything about a money belt.
I have half a mind to call the police on all of you.
Oh Oh I'm terrified.
Aw, Captain, Captain.
You know, I think we can straighten this all out.
Why don't you and me just take a little walk into the office? Oh What are you doing? Right over there.
Go on in there with Carla.
Oh, what are you doing? My God.
Look at you people.
Robin.
Look at your bar, Sam.
In your greedy desire to obtain a non existent money belt, you destroyed what was most important to you.
Excuse me.
What was that word right before "money belt"? Non existent.
Fictitious.
Uh, mythic.
Nothing? Not even like a small change purse? Nothing.
And here you've torn apart your bar.
I'll bet you turned on each other, too.
How many side deals did you have going? Oh.
(all groan and mutter) Oh, Robin, man, how could you do this to us? To show you what money can do to a person.
You all despised me when I was wealthy.
You didn't understand that I was victim of an illness- greed.
But now you do understand, because all of you here tonight have fallen victim to that same illness.
Hopefully you've all learned something.
And that's why I did what I did.
Uh plus, uh, I never really liked you.
Ta.
Yeah, I have to admit, Robin's right.
Look what we've done to this place.
To each other.
Look what we've become.
Yeah.
Boy, I tell you, money makes people do strange things, doesn't it? Has anybody seen Robin? Yeah, he just left.
Honey, it turns out there wasn't a money belt.
He really is poor.
He tried to tell me that, too, and I almost bought it.
Well, good-bye, you poor, pathetic, boring losers.
I'm a-movin' on up.
Well, I suppose we should try to clean up this mess and put all that nonsense behind us.
Well, I suppose we all learned something, huh? No harm came of it, though, I guess.
You know a few things got broken, but no one really got hurt.
(Captain screaming) That's hot! (horn honks) Robin, you are so good.
What are we really waiting for, a limo?