Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Last Picture Show

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
TV REPORTER: We're going live now to the Route 93 overpass, where an unidentified woman has climbed to the outside rail and is threatening to jump.
An emergency rescue team has had no luck so far in persuading the woman to climb down from her dangerous perch.
Oh, boy.
As one who has been there, it is imperative that they do nothing to agitate that woman.
Boy, oh, boy.
I mean, what what has to go wrong with your life to be driven to such desperate measures, huh? We have a tentative identification.
The woman is Anna Cosetti of Boston.
Sam, can I take the afternoon off? Why? I gotta go look after the kids; That woman's my babysitter.
(theme song begins) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name Oh, my God.
What's that, Cliff? They're closing the Twi-Lite Drive-In.
Oh, you're joking, man.
No, not at all.
Yeah, yeah.
Another American icon destroyed by the bulldozer.
What are they gonna close next? Hopefully, your mouth.
Well, I like drive-ins.
All the great memories I have of that place.
You know what I love most about that place? It has that, that great hot, fresh popcorn, and they use real butter there, not that imitation yellow stuff.
Isn't that where you proposed to Vera there, Norm? Yeah.
Anyway, do you know any place that has real butter these days? I don't.
Boy, I've been going to that place ever since I was a teenager.
Of course a lot of the stuff I saw there was pretty hard core.
They didn't show those kind of movies there.
Who said they did? Boy, oh, boy, you know, I'll never forget Ma used to take me down there all bundled up in my pyjamas and all, you know.
Yeah, as a matter of fact, it was at the Twi-Lite that I first saw Herbie, the Love Bug.
Cliffie, Herbie, the Love Bug came out in, uh, 1969, and you were born in, uh Oh, please, man, don't.
Don't do the math.
Geez, I feel so left out.
You guys have all these wonderful memories about this spot.
I must confess, I've never even been to a drive-in.
CLIFF: Well, tonight's your lucky night, Doc.
Uh, it says here, down at the Twi-Lite they're, uh, closing up with an all-night Godzilla marathon.
What do you say, shall we go? Shall we, huh? NORM: Yeah, I'm in.
Geez, I'd love to.
Sounds like fun.
Why don't we all just jump into my BMW? SAM: You can't go to a, a drive-in in a Beemer, man.
You need a classic convertible.
Okay, okay.
I'm sold.
So where do we get one? Well, Cliff, your mom has a convertible, doesn't she? No! What do you mean? I saw her just the other day.
She was driving a convertible.
Now, look, Norm, there's a lot of beautiful women driving around in convertibles, all right? Mr.
Clavin, you wouldn't be afraid to ask your mom to borrow the car, would you? I'm not gonna dignify that with a yes.
Come on, Cliff.
It's one night.
It's not gonna kill ya.
Come on.
Oh, well.
All right, all right, all right.
I'll figure something out.
All right, count me in.
All right, great.
What about you, Mr.
Peterson? Well, I'm in, Wood, but, uh, I can't go to the snack bar for you guys.
When I was a teenager, I, uh, ran up quite a tab at that place.
Well, how big? Well, they are closing down, aren't they? Sam Malone! Yes.
You know who I am? No, sir, I don't, but I swear to you, I never touched your daughter.
Nah, nah, you bought this bar from me 17 years ago.
Although, now that you mention it, you did touch my daughter.
I'll be damned! Yeah! Gus O'Malley! How are you doing? Look at that.
What are you doing here? Ah, I came to town for a wedding and thought I'd drop by Boy, this place looks great.
You've really, really kept it in good shape.
Yeah, thanks for that.
Hey, uh, I want you to meet, uh Carla Tortelli's our waitress.
This is Gus O'Malley.
That's Woody, our bartender.
I bought this place from Gus.
Sam, you've been had.
You already own this bar.
You must be Coach's boy.
It's a good guess, but, no, he, uh, actually, you know, uh, Coach passed away several years ago.
Oh, that's too bad.
You look great.
What've, what've you been doing? I moved to Arizona with the wife.
Been living off my life savings.
Believe me, if you manage this place right, it can really provide for you in your old age.
It can? Oh, yeah.
It's all in the management.
Oh Sam, I'm gonna use the petty cash to buy lottery tickets.
The way I figure it, it's our only hope.
Rebecca, I'd like you to meet Gus O'Malley.
He used to have the place before me.
Oh, nice to meet you.
Hey, Sam, uh you and her, huh? Oh, we, uh No, no.
No, no, no.
No, no.
It feels so great to be back here in this old saloon! Boy, I could Listen, do you think I could, I could pop back here, you know, and maybe serve up one little drink? You know, just for old times' sake? Yeah.
Do it.
Go on.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
This brings it all back.
It's like I never left.
Uh, could I have a beer, please, Gus? Sure, Norm.
Something's different.
Gus is back! How you been, Norm? I'm all right.
Can't complain.
How is that lovely bride of yours? What, what was her name again? Vera.
Oh, yeah.
Boy, I remember when they were newly-wed.
You'd come in here every night and make those goo-goo eyes at each other.
You're kidding me.
Norm and Vera? GUS: Oh, yeah, yeah.
He'd recite poetry to her all the time.
He'd put quarter after quarter in that jukebox, and he'd slow dance with Vera until closing.
You remember that, Norm? Just give me the beer, Gus.
Hey, guys! Hey! Hey, Johnny.
Hi, Ed.
Sorry I'm late.
Got the car.
Everything's all set.
How'd you get your mother to part with her precious vehicle? Oh, I just, uh, poured a couple of glasses of wine, cranked the heat up to full, and, uh, she'll sleep till Saturday.
All right.
Godzilla, here we come.
SAM: Hey, you guys have a good time.
See you later, Woody.
Listen, I want to thank you guys for letting me come along.
Horseplay, you know.
Hanging out with the guys and having fun is something that's been sorely missed in my life.
I'm really looking forward to this drive-in thing.
Yeah, well, in that case, I suggest we make you trunk boy.
Wow, trunk boy! Don't know what it is, but it sounds fun.
Well, gang, I got to be leaving.
I haven't had so much fun in a long, long time.
I feel like a kid again.
Hey, hold on a second here.
Gus, listen.
You know, with Woody leaving to go to the drive-in and everything, I'm a little short-handed.
What do you say you hop behind the bar here and let me put you on salary for a night? Nah, you kids don't want an old buzzard back there.
Yeah, of course.
Come on.
It'd be so great.
You know, it'd be like having a little piece of history behind the bar, you know? Take us back to our roots.
Besides, we really like you, Gus.
Well, all right, all right.
I'll do it.
Hey, Sammy? Yeah.
As long as we got the old geezer, I'm gonna take the night off.
W-What do you want me to do first, boss? Well, you tell me.
You're the boss.
What? Yeah, you're gonna run the place, just like the old days, Gus.
As a matter of fact (rings bell) Hey, listen up, everybody! This is Gus O'Malley.
He owned the place before me, and as far as I'm concerned, tonight I'm working for him.
(whoops and applause) Do you mean that, Sam? Yeah.
Oh, I gotta tell you, I'm very touched.
Thank you.
Boy, it's, uh, been a long time; I'm a little bit rusty.
Long time since I ran a bar, but here goes.
All right! All right! Let's move it! Let's move it! Let's move it, sexy.
And you, too.
Let's move it! Move it! I wanna see your butt moving, not your lips.
Oh, yeah, that feels right.
Finally we park.
You only drove around the lot three times.
I had to get my bearings there, Norm.
Oh, yeah, I used to come with my high school buddies all the time and I'd go to the snack bar and come back couldn't find the car.
Damnedest thing.
Kept happening over and over again.
Cliff, did it ever occur to you that maybe the fellows were? Never mind.
Let's hook up the speaker.
All right.
No, no, hold your horses there, Woody.
You know, those things can chip and scratch.
Uh See if I can get the old speaker doily here.
You know, my mom made this herself.
(thumping) FRASIER: Hey, are we there yet? Uh-oh.
Trunk boy.
Oh, hang on, Doc, we're coming! FRASIER: Well, hurry up! Ah, no! What? Ah, the stupid key broke off in the lock there.
FRASIER: Hey, what's going on out there? Don't panic, okay? Th-The first rule of being trunk boy is, "Don't panic.
" Now, I have some news for you that you may find upsetting.
Cliff broke the key off in the lock.
FRASIER: What?! (banging) Hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't be putting dents in that lid, huh? (banging) Oh, thank God! Air! Oh, great, great.
Thanks a lot, Doc.
In your cowardly desire to live, you broke Ma's trunk.
That's fine.
Let's watch the movie.
Come on, guys.
The movie's about to start.
I don't mind telling you, That-that's the most terrifying thing I've ever gone through in my life.
Yeah, well, we saved six bucks.
Oh? That much? Yeah.
Wood, you want to make the, uh, first, uh, run to the snack bar, please? Sure.
What do you guys want? Well, I'll have a mineral water and a decaf cap, and, um Oh! Bring me some Toblerone chocolate.
You really don't get the drive-in experience, do you? I'm trying.
Hey, uh, listen, if we're talking about having messy snacks in the car, I guess it's apropos to go over Ma's rules as regards the food and beverage service.
Uh, Norm, you want to get the, uh, flyers out of the glove compartment there, please? Cliff, uh, listen Tell you what? While I pass out these, uh, flyers, why don't you go ahead and get the, uh, snacks, okay? We'll save time that way.
Oh, capital idea.
Very efficient.
Be back in a flash.
Ma's rule number one- ditch the mail-man.
(engine starting) Shake your booty, Tortelli! You got scotches waiting.
My policy is that if the customer doesn't get the drink within 30 seconds, they're on the house, which means you're docked for the price of the beverage.
I'll dock you.
I heard that.
You know, between you and me, I think she needed that little kick in the butt.
She's always just doing exactly what she wants to do, and she never gets any work done.
Well, it must be nice to have the kind of job where you just stand around all day and talk all the time.
Excuse me? Am I to assume that the time cards have been finished? That you've completed the work schedule for next week? That you made out the deposit slips for this money that is overflowing the cash drawer here? While you're standing around, I've been hustling drinks! Well, I have been very busy.
Well, maybe you've been flapping your lips there! Hey! (bell rings) Tortelli! You got boilermakers here, Tortelli! Oh, Sam, can I talk to you for a minute? Sure.
Well, suddenly we're in Hawaii lounging on the beach.
Could, could you just give us a second here, Gus? Right.
That's exactly what you got.
Sam, cute is cute, but you got to do something about Captain Bligh over there.
All right, yeah, I'll talk to him.
I'll talk to him.
Hey, Gus, I have an idea.
Let me give you a break here.
You've been working your buns off here.
Oh, I get it.
The old man's in the way, huh? Well, I guess you can't go home again after all.
For a few precious hours there, I was able to forget about my heart condition.
Gus, you have a you have a heart condition? Well, I didn't want to bring it up, but I mean, uh, who cares, right? Yeah.
No, no.
Oh, shoot! You know, uh, completely forgot, I got something to do here.
Uh, oh, damn.
Can you, can you, uh, fill in for me for the rest of the night? You wouldn't mind, would you? You mean that, Sam? Yeah, please.
Sam, you made me a happy man! Ah, great.
All right! All right! Who went over my head?! Who double-crossed Gus?! Well, suddenly our tongues ain't wagging no more, are they? That's very interesting.
So, this is your precious drive-in? (chuckles) Tin box squawking in our ears, endless parade of people walking in front of the car, a man in a rubber dragon suit stepping on miniature Japanese houses.
Yeah, you believe they're gonna tear this place down? You guys, this couldn't really happen, could it? Hmm? I mean, don't think I'm stupid or anything, but I mean, you know, if there really was atomic testing offshore, and it woke up a dinosaur, and it got affected by the radiation, I mean, you know, not exactly like this, but maybe something pretty close? NORM: Woody, Woody, Woody, when are you gonna grow up? (chuckles) Course it could happen.
You know, I'm getting kind of cold.
Do you think we can put the top up? Uh, sure, Fras.
(mechanical grinding) What happened? I don't know.
It's stuck.
Well, put it back down.
I'm trying.
It's jammed.
(car horn honking) MAN: Hey, put that thing down! We're trying to watch a movie! Let me handle this, Norm.
(car horn honking) I'm a great believer in the retort courteous.
Why don't you move your car, butt head?! Yep.
Good work, Dr.
They stopped honking.
Many an upperclassman was afraid of the lash of my tongue.
Well, you know, Norm, I think you were way out of line with that "butt head" crack.
Oh, hi.
How you doing there? NORM: Look, uh, it's-it's jammed.
It-it won't go down.
It, uh Thank you! CLIFF: Oh, well, there you guys are.
Boy, I get so turned around in these drive-ins.
(chuckles) Hey.
Hey, what-what happened to the top?! All right, come on, you guys.
I'm taking names.
Well, geez, Cliff, it-it was the guy behind us.
He just went over to the snack bar.
You can't miss him.
He's got the sort of fashion risk hair style.
A little punky freak, huh? Yeah.
I'll-I'll deal with him.
Now, what the hell is that supposed to be, a giant moth? Well, it's funny you should bring it up.
That's Mothra.
They're trying to figure out a way to kill it.
Yeah? Why don't they just throw a wool suit over the city, and when he goes for it, zap him? How'd it go, Cliff? Oh, just fine.
Cliff, where's my chocolate? You don't want to know.
So, uh, what'd I miss? Why-why is that girl, uh, running around screaming at everybody? Well, she's trying to convince them that, uh, that Godzilla's merely confused and not really trying to hurt them.
Isn't that the part usually played by Akiro Nakamoto? Yeah, yeah.
But, uh, she left halfway through the Godzilla series.
I don't understand.
Why would an actress leave right in the middle of a successful series? (clanking) Woody, Woody, what are you doing? I'm not doing anything.
Why is the car shaking? I don't know.
Well, I'm not doing anything.
Hold it.
I know what's going on here.
What? What is it? Well, there's a teenager back here with a tattoo in the shape of a flaming skull relieving you of your tires.
(power drill whirring) Geez, Ma's gonna kill me.
What are we gonna do? All right, everybody get on the floor, don't make any eye contact.
We might have a chance.
All right, one more time.
It's Cheers.
The "C" is for Courtesy.
The "H" is for Honesty.
The "E" is for Energy.
The other "E" is for More energy.
More energy.
The "R" is for Right, Gus.
Right, Gus.
Which you "S" for "say" when I give an order.
You know, Gus, I-I think what the problem is here that you are just being a little too hard on us.
Well, thank you very much, Miss Howe, for telling me that I have to pussyfoot around my employees.
Incidentally, in my day, a woman in the public eye made it her business to look as attractive as possible.
What? Have they stopped making lipstick? Am I that old? Come on, Gus.
Gus, what are you doing, man? You can't talk to them like this, damn it.
These are my employees.
They're my friends, too.
I trained them, and I'm gonna stand by them.
You people are the most thoughtless, lazy bunch of slobs I've ever had the misfortune to know in my entire life! How do you expect to serve the public? You people have taken the good name of Cheers a name I worked so hard to build up and you've turned it into garbage.
And if you think I'm a hard worker, you should've known the guy that owned this place before me.
He collapsed and died right here in this bar, right there where you're standing this minute! I realize that I cannot fire the lot of you just because you disgust me.
So I'm gonna do the next best thing, and I'm gonna walk out of here.
Now, you can have your apron, and you can have your damn bar! Sam? Boy, tonight was the most fun I've had in 20 years.
Oh, I thank you, all of you, so very, very much.
Listen, if you people are ever in Arizona, you got a place to stay.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, wait a minute here.
This is tonight's receipts, you see? The-the cash drawer was full, and that's what's-what's left over.
Good night, Sam.
Good night, ladies.
Good night, Cheers.
All right, all right, all right! Okay, let's get a move on.
Let's get a move on.
I want to see your butts moving, not your lips! Come on! Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it! Well, thanks for coming to the rescue.
Well, lucky for you they only took the one tire.
Got the spare on.
She's as good as new.
So if you have any more problems, just do what you did before lean on the horn and scream "They're killing us.
They're killing us.
" Well, thank you very much, officer.
And, uh, here you go.
Little something for yourself.
Stamps? What the hell am I gonna do with stamps? Well, guys, you think Godzilla there is, uh, ferocious with his fire breath and crushing buildings, huh? Wait till you see Ma when she gets a load of this car.
I'll be off on the next boat to Rio.
You can say good-bye to your old buddy, Cliff, that's for sure.
Well, sorry about that, Mr.
Well, you know, it's been a pretty miserable night, actually.
What do you say we call it a night and head home? Oh, no you don't, Doc.
We went through all this so we could have a good time at the drive-in, and that's exactly what we're gonna do.
Oh, come on, Cliff.
There's only one more movie.
We all know what's gonna happen.
There's gonna be atomic testing, Godzilla's gonna wake up, gets mad, goes and eats Tokyo, fights some other monster, disappears into the ocean.
The end.
Oh, well, thanks a lot, Dr.
Oh, look, please, you know, you guys, I don't know, your attraction to the drive-in experience, it just eludes me.
I mean, no wonder they're tearing all these places down.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Maybe there is something to being out on Friday night, and you're hanging out with all your pals and watching the movie.
I guess those days are gone.
Gentlemen, may I suggest that you are not mourning the loss of this drive-in, but rather the loss of your youth.
Guess you're right, Doc.
Wow, it's kind of sad when you think about it.
Yeah, I think you hit the tail right on the donkey with that one, Doc.
Yes, it's the superficial trappings of youth that we yearn for.
We wish for time to stand still, and why? Because we are afraid of our own mortality.
But sooner or later, it's time for men to put aside childish things because, well, they are no longer childs.
So, as a great poet once said, "If I were a child" You know, Cliff, uh, tell you what, before we take off, why don't you get one more look at that, uh, that little popcorn girl you were telling us about? Hey, yeah.
Have one more tub of that popcorn.
Yeah, you bet.
Tell you what, here.
Sweet on me, wasn't she? My treat.
Gonna find another parking spot? Hell, no.
We're going home.
(engine starts)