Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Look Before You Sleep

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Ho-ho! What's the rush, man? I almost forgot.
It's 6:00, and today's my Ah, you're going out and buy Vera a present before the stores close? (horn beeping) Happy anniversary, honey.
Sorry, Sammy, you were saying? (theme song begins) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Okay, fellas, let's call it a night.
Boy, that's the longest day of my life.
Yeah? Why so tired, Sammy? Oh, I didn't get a wink of sleep last night.
Ooh! Ooh! Oh, no, no, give me a break, will you? Not everything I do in my life has to do with sex.
Sure it does, Sammy.
Come on, give us the details.
Yeah, come on.
Yeah, well, I had silverfish all over my apartment last night.
Ewww! Silverfish! Spent the whole night rolling up newspapers and swatting them.
Oh, kinky.
SAM: It got so bad there for a while, I I started rubbing ammonia on the baseboard.
(howls) Sammy, don't know what that means, but does she have a sister? Hey, guys, I I'm serious, man.
I've got some I've got a real problem with insects in my place.
As a matter of fact, uh, they're, uh, tenting the whole building, you know, and fumigating it for, like, 24 hours.
Ouch! Where are you gonna sleep? I happen to be spending the night with a very close friend of mine.
(grunting salaciously) Close friend! Hey! Sam, you don't have to spend the night with one of your bimbos.
You can come over to my house.
I have a fold-out couch.
(Norm howls, Cliff snickers) As nice as that offer sounds, uh, the alternative is to spend the night with a stewardess who's offered to bump me up to first class.
CLIFF AND NORM: Ooh Oh, yeah, hey, I had a stew once.
Yeah, used to go out with her.
Boy, was she wild in the sack.
What airline? Shut up.
Well, Sam, if you change your mind, you do have a place to stay.
Yeah, well, you know, with all due respect, we're not talking about your love life.
We're talking about my love life.
It will work out for Sammy.
If your ego needs a place to stay, give me a call.
CLIFF: Of course it'll work out.
It's a stew, isn't it? Boy, don't I know.
How do you know? Shut up! Hey, Wood, come on, I'll walk you to your car.
Good night, Sam.
Good night, Woody.
Oh, hey, uh, listen, Sam.
You know, don't worry about that bug killer stuff.
They say to stay out for 24 hours, but that's just overcautious.
They sprayed my building once.
I went right back in.
Come on.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, by the way, Sam, uh, listen, uh, I was meaning to tell you.
Don't worry about that bug killer stuff.
They tell you to stay out for 24 hours.
That's just overcautious.
They sprayed my building once.
I went right back in.
You ready, Carla? Okay, guys, come on, let's go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
All right, good night.
Hey, good luck with that stewardess, huh? Swat a few silverfish for me.
Cliffie, you just don't get it, do you? No.
(humming) (spritzing) (knocking) Ooh, yes! (singing happily) Hold on.
There we are.
Hi, Sam.
(laughing): Look at you- you wore your uniform.
Hey, what do you say we, uh, lock ourselves in the bathroom there and relive our first meeting? Oh I'd love to, Sam, but I just stopped by to tell you, I gotta be on a plane in 45 minutes.
No! Aw well, heck.
Well, 45 minutes- that gives us plenty of time to relive it.
What say, huh? No, no, no, I've got to go.
The airport's a zoo.
for a convention.
Why why don't they stay in their own country, huh? (rattling) Oh Oh, yeah, sorry.
You've just gotta There you go.
Good night.
See you when I get back.
Yeah, you bet, you bet.
Shoot, shoot.
Well Oh, oh, oh, wait a minute.
Wait, wait oh! Say, Julie? Julie? Hey, honey, listen, I need a place to stay.
Julie! (latch clicks) (rattling latch) Oh, no.
SHRINER: Believe me, honey, you were wise to stay home.
This town is nothing compared to Cincinnati.
Yeah, I just, uh, stayed in my hotel room, watched CNN.
I don't watch movies like that.
You know that.
Hey, excuse me, I gotta use the phone.
I locked myself out of my bar, and I gotta call my waitress to get the keys, so could you hurry up, please? Hey, uh, look, I gotta run.
Honey, you know I wanted to bring you, but none of the guys brought their wives.
Don't start.
Don't start.
You're starting again.
Don't start.
Once she gets started Yes.
Yes, dear.
(ringing doorbell insistently) Carla! Carla! Oh.
I'm I'm sorry.
You know, I didn't know you were going to be here.
And now you do.
Uh Wait a minute.
Come back! Hey, let me in, will you? I locked myself out of the bar.
I need to borrow Carla's keys.
Carla! Sam's here.
Hey, you know what? I could borrow your keys to Melville's.
Yes, you could.
Carla! Hey.
What's up, Sammy? Oh, well, I, uh My date didn't turn out, and I locked myself out of the bar, and so I need to borrow your keys.
You have my set.
No, I don't.
Remember? Woody lost his, so you gave him yours, and then you took mine, and then he lost yours again.
Oh, I do hope you haven't sold the movie rights to this fascinating story.
Hey, why don't you go over to Rebecca's? I mean, she offered, right? No, no, no, no.
I said some stuff.
I don't want her to throw it back in my face.
Well, I guess you could stay here for the night.
Yeah! Yeah! All right, thanks.
Look, Sammy What? No matter what you hear, no matter how much I scream or call for help, do not open the bedroom door- got it? Ditto for me, too, Sam.
Oh, no, no, no, uh, listen maybe, uh I-I tell you what.
I know a guy who's got a hotel near Fabulous idea! Good night, Sam.
We have no rooms.
Every hotel is full.
There's a Shriners' convention in town.
Stop bothering me! If I have to deal with one more idiot tonight, I'm going to strangle him.
How may I help you, sir? Hi.
Steve working tonight? Steve? No.
Steve hasn't worked here for the last six months.
He was unreliable.
Is there anything I can help you with? Yeah.
Uh This is, uh this is pretty funny, Mario.
You're going to get a big kick out of this.
Uh See, I I left my, uh left my wallet in my place of business and I, uh I don't have a credit card or money or, for that matter, any identification at all.
(wry laugh): Yuh-huh.
That's funny stuff, sir.
The point is, uh I'm gonna need a room, and I I can't pay for it tonight.
Oh, I see- you want one of our free rooms.
No, no, it doesn't have to be free.
I can, you know, I can pay for it in the morning.
Well, whatever's convenient for you.
Now, would you like a suite or a room? A suite would be great.
All right.
Colour TV? Sauna? Well, sure.
Is that going to be a queen or a king-sized bed? Uh king.
Yeah, please.
And, Mario, non-smoking, if you don't mind.
But of course.
And would you like me to carry you to your room piggyback? Oh, I see.
You're, uh you're being sarcastic, aren't you? If you had spent the day fending off joy buzzers and squirting carnations, you'd be a mite cranky yourself.
So you're, uh you're not going to give me a room, huh? I don't have a room to give.
Nobody in Boston has a room.
The entire town is infested with Shriners! Now, if you're desperate for a place to sleep, might I suggest you become a Shriner? I'm not entirely sure how one goes about that, but it appears to have something to do with driving a tiny car through the lobby of my hotel.
Can I use your phone, please? Oh, but of course.
Would you like to call Australia? Perhaps one of our new picture phones will suit your needs.
Never mind.
Never mind.
Enjoyed your stay? Why not tell a friend? NORM: No problem, Sam.
Mi casa es su casa.
Oh, bless your heart, man.
I think I'll just stretch out on the couch here.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm gonna sleep on the couch tonight.
You're sleeping on the couch? Yeah.
Sometimes, when I come home late from Cheers, I don't like to wake Vera up, so I just crash out on the couch here.
But you're always late at Cheers.
How about that? Oh, please? Oh, now, now, now, now Please.
All right.
Aw, bless you.
If you're that desperate, I'll show you what a good friend I am.
Go ahead and sleep on the couch.
I'll go sleep with my wife.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(sighs) Well, here I go.
You're going to let me do this, aren't you? I'm so tired.
All right.
You owe me big time, Malone.
VERA: Norm? Norm, is that you? NORM: Yes, dear.
VERA: You've come home to me.
Come here, lover boy.
Okay, Sam, there're some extra towels by the sink in the guest bathroom.
Oh, God! If there's anything else you need, just let me know.
Don't worry about disturbing Lilith.
(chuckles) She's, uh, sleeping in the cellar.
In the cellar? Yes- you can take the girl out of the Eco pod, you know (laughs) Ah, thank you.
You bet.
Uh, listen, that's it.
I'll just bid you a fond Bonne nuit.
(child cries in distance) Say, uh, wha Is that, uh, is that Frederick? Yes, that's Frederick.
Having a bit of a tantrum tonight.
Trying to manipulate me, you see.
It's a common tactic of a four-year-old, and as any good parent knows, the secret is to just ignore it.
He's just gonna have to cry himself out, the little weasel.
(chuckles) He's got, uh, good lungs, though, huh? Well, night-night.
(crying continues, increasing in volume) (quietly): Oh, God! Hey Hey, Freddie! Can you hear me, Freddie? I-It's Sam Malone! Uncle Sammy! Say, uh, Freddie, you're kind of a big boy to be throwing a tantrum, aren't you? Do you think you could hold off until tomorrow morning? (crying stops) Thank you.
Oh! Oh, thank you, God.
(weary sigh) (Frederick wailing) Oh I'm so tired.
I'm desperate.
God forgive me for this.
Sam! Clifford, look, it's one of your little friends! (wearily): I'm so sorry to come so late like this, Cliff.
It's just that I'm so very, very exhausted.
Oh, thank you! You know, with the key and everything? No apologies needed, young man.
You poor thing.
So cold and no muffler! You could have caught your death.
Oh! Yeah, you're always welcome here, Sammy.
You should know that, buddy.
Oh, Cliffie, man, you're the best.
And you, too, Mrs.
Oh, what a dear.
Now, I'll bet you're anxious to get some sleep.
(giddily): Oh, yeah! Yeah! Oh, yes, yes, yes.
CLIFF: Good.
Well, that's a pretty comfy bed there, isn't it, Sammy, huh? Am I sharing the same bed with Cliff? Well, of course, silly.
You didn't expect to sleep with me! (laughs) No, no, this is this'll be all right.
This is fine.
All right, then, nighty-night.
Good night, Ma.
Cliff, this is probably one of those things that we should just keep between the two of us, right? Gotcha, Sam.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Clifford, wake your friend for prayers.
Oh! Sam, Sam, wake up.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
Dear Lord, bless Clifford and me, unworthy wretches that we are.
Bless the postal system and keep it from harm, by helping it to detect the real loonies.
Bless our friends, and thank you for letting Sam find succour here tonight.
Bless the late Mr.
I know he's not in your vicinity, but rather roasting in hell, on a spit on a spit reserved for those who desert their families.
CLAVIN: Sam? Hmm? Is there anyone special you would like the Lord to remember? No, not particularly.
Well, don't be surprised if he doesn't remember you.
Oh, please, please.
Can't we just go to sleep? I'm so very tired.
Please! Great, Ma, you made my friend mad.
Any wonder I don't have anybody over? Any wonder I don't have any friends? Oh, you don't have friends because of me? Me who spent 36 hours of the most painful labour the hospital had ever seen? There she goes.
If you think you're better off without me, you're welcome to live by yourself.
Just see how long you can last.
Fine! A day- I give it a day.
And that's during daylight hours.
Night falls and it's, "Where's my mommy?" CLIFF: Oh! Oh, is that right? Well, let me tell you, missy, that it takes two to be codependent! You're the enabler! You're the enabler! Oh! I'm the enabler am I tonight, huh? Like last night and the night before?! Well, you know why I'm the enabler?! Because you demand it! Everything I do is wrong! Is that it, Clifford?! Oh, Ma, I'm sorry.
Oh, now, don't be upset.
I just, I just push too hard.
No, I'm too domineering.
Oh, Ma, Ma, it's me.
I, you know, Ma, it's me.
Sam Hmm? Sam, which one of us is worse? (weakly): Can't we please go to sleep? I suppose that is a good idea.
Good night, sweet precious.
Goodnight, Ma.
Don't forget the bathroom and turn off the light.
All right.
Oh, my God! Cliff, what a nasty scene! What was? Nothing.
Good night.
Good night, Sam.
(whispers): Sammy? Sammy?! (wearily): Yes, Cliff? You awake? Yes, Cliff.
Hey Sam you know what's fun? What's fun, Cliff? Well, when you take the letters of somebody's name and make another word out of it.
You know, like if it were my name- Clifford Clavin.
Well, first word that comes to mind, I'd say: Ford.
Well, there's also cliff.
You know, like the geo geographical structure.
There's almost clavicle.
Cliffie, please.
Oh, can't think of any? I'm trying to sleep here, Cliff.
Sure thing, Sam.
Good night.
How 'bout florid? Cliff, damn it, man! I'm tired! I'm really, really tired! I'm trying to sleep here! Can't you just stop talking for once?! Please, stop talking?! I'm sorry, Sammy.
I was just, it's a problem I have- I, uh You know, I try to stop talking and and I just keep on talking.
You know, it's kind of like those people who live near Niagara Falls, and after a while they just don't hear it anymore.
I mean I read an article about this couple they've lived near the Falls for about 40 years or so, and they moved away and the, uh silence was, you know, just deafening.
They had to move back.
Couldn't stand it.
Why are some people like that and and just other people aren't, Sammy? You ever think about that? Sam? Sammy? Sam?! MRS.
CLAVIN: He's gone, isn't he, Clifford? It's all your fault, old woman! Rebecca? Rebecca? What? Sam, what are you doing here? I thought you had a date.
Well, yeah, I did.
But, uh, things didn't work out the way I expected, so I thought I'd, you know, swing by here and take you up on your offer.
Oh, old boring me? Oh, I don't know how good that'd be, Sam.
I wouldn't want to, I wouldn't want to slow you down, in your great, swinging love life.
Please, you have no idea what I've been through.
(imitating his weak voice): Yes, I do.
Carla called.
Ah And then Norm.
I've been sitting here for three hours eating popcorn, watching movies, waiting for you to come by here.
Can I stay here? Can I go to sleep, please? Yes.
Oh! Thank you! Come on.
Get up.
Don't get crazy about this Oh, no.
Oh, God.
No, no! No more "Oh, no's!" No, not tonight.
What's wrong? It's locked.
Well, so, call the super! Well, I am the super.
How 'bout, uh, anvil? Anvil is a that's a good one.
Oh, no.
We did that an hour ago.