Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Woody Gets an Election

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, holy moly, guacamole, Normie.
Hey, what? Huh? See that guy down there? I think that might be Spanky McFarland from the old Little Rascals.
Get out.
Yeah, I think so.
Really? Hey, I'll go ask him.
I'll go check it out.
(humming The Little Rascals theme) Hey, how are you doing, Sid? Hi.
Hey, uh, my name's Cliff Clavin.
Hello, Cliff.
You know, I-I know you've probably heard this a thousand times before, but you do resemble that, uh, child actor Spanky McFarland from The Little Rascals.
Well, that's because 'Cause I'm one of Little Rascals fan there ever was.
I mean I've got every episode on tape, you know.
Well, except "Free Eats" and, uh, "Captain Spanky's Showboat.
" That's great.
Yeah, Alfalfa, Darla, Buckwheat.
(chuckles) Hey, I got to confess, I had quite a big crush on Darla.
I'll tell you, you know, if you were Spanky, boy, I could sit here and chew on your ear for hours, you know, about the, you know, "Happy Birthday, Mr.
Hood" and the "He-Man Women Haters Club.
" And remember the sound the cake made coming out of the oven? Was it (makes groaning noise) Huh? So, uh, are-are you Spanky? Nope.
Take care.
Catch you later.
You are Spanky, aren't you? Oh, yeah.
(theme song begins) ♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪ Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Oh, no.
Who's this guy? Huh? Oh.
Well, that's, uh, Mr.
Kevin Fogerty, our city councilman.
He's been there for three consecutive terms.
Running for re-election now; Nobody dares run against him.
He's also very, very rude to, uh, voters who call with perfectly normal and good suggestions.
(camera clicks) Okay, Mr.
Clavin, remember the rules: You have to keep at least 50 feet from Mr.
Fogerty at all times.
All right, just to be safe, I'd better go back in the pool room.
I remember Fogerty.
Hmm? He was here a couple of years ago trying to get our votes.
NORM: Oh, yeah.
He bought me a beer.
Did you vote for him? He bought me a beer.
Something has to be done, and the time is now.
There he goes, spouting a bunch of meaningless platitudes.
Sure enough, the people are lapping it up like milk.
Oh, the mentality of the voter in this country fascinates me.
Someday, I ought to do a paper about it.
What's-what's your problem with Fogerty? He's not a bad guy.
All right, Sam.
Why don't you ask him a question? I'll bet you ten bucks all he gives you is some meaningless politician's rhetoric.
Yeah, all right.
Come on.
You're on.
Excuse me, uh, Mr.
Fogerty, sir.
Could I, uh, speak to you for a second? Mm-hmm.
I'm Sam Malone; I'm the owner of the bar.
And, uh, got a question for you.
I'm a small businessman, and I was just wondering, uh, when is this economy going to turn around? I'm glad you asked that.
I say now is the time to roll up our shirtsleeves and get to the bottom of this.
The only way we're going to defeat this thing is if we all do it together.
I think you owe me ten bucks.
Kevin Fogerty, City Council.
Kevin Fogerty, City Council.
I hope I have your vote on election day.
And why, exactly, should I vote for you, Mr.
Fogerty? Well, because I'm a hard worker.
I take a stand.
On what exactly? The issues of the day.
Which are? The things that concern you and your family the most.
I think you're making an ass out of yourself.
I am not! I simply want the councilman to say one concrete thing.
Yes, I understand.
You don't trust me.
A lot of people don't trust politicians.
I know how it is.
I have been out there.
But what does that have to do with May I finish, please? Maybe we need someone to blame.
Maybe if we pick some faceless person at city hall to be responsible for all our problems, then we won't have to accept any responsibility at all.
Well, people, I say now is the time to start looking in the mirror.
Because if this thing is going to work, we are all going to have to make it work the way a bunch of people made something work at Lexington and Concord.
You may remember it; It's called America! Yes! Bravo! (cheering, applause) But he didn't say anything! Thank you, people, for proving my point.
The voters of Boston are sheep! Oh, I thought that was just a Hanover thing.
Look, all I'm saying is that when it comes to voting, people just shut off their brains.
I submit we could put a chimpanzee on the ballot and garner ten percent of the vote.
(chuckles): Whoa.
Two Hanover things in one day? You're exaggerating a little bit, aren't you? No, no, Sam, I'm not.
Look, you know what? I'll go you one better.
I'll bet we could put Woody on the ballot and get ten percent of the vote.
Yeah, all right, I'll take ten dollars of that.
All right, you're on.
You know, come to think of it, this would make a fascinating study of voter psychology.
I submit, if we just put Woody's name on the ballot, circulate a few posters of his attractive smiling face over some meaningless slogan, come election day, we'll get ten percent of the vote! (people groaning) Come on, man.
FRASIER: Oh, oh, okay! I'll prove it to all of you.
I'll start the process of getting his name on the ballot this very afternoon.
WOODY: Oh, I-I don't know, Dr.
I'm not so sure I want to get mixed up in all this.
Mixed up in what, Woody? Well, Dr.
Crane wants me to run for City Council.
Oh, Woody, that's a wonderful idea.
It is? I'd be so proud if you were a politician.
Uh, Kelly, I-I-I'm not gonna get mixed up in politics.
Uh, you live your life in a fishbowl.
Everybody hates you.
The press is always criticizing you.
There's no way I'm running for public office.
All right, Mr.
From now on, you can dance naked in front of the lava lamp all by your lonesome.
Well, maybe just one term.
Well, step one of my plan is complete.
Woody Boyd is now on the ballot for City Council.
I'll be damned.
How'd you do that? Well, it was really no trouble at all.
I simply stood out in front of a supermarket with a petition.
When people asked me who I was supporting, I said, "Woody Boyd, the man who stands for the American way.
" Well, the sheep couldn't sign their names fast enough.
I also put up about, uh, going to be enough? Well, there's no need to go crazy.
I only need to get ten percent of the eligible vote.
CLIFF: Well, in that case, why don't you just put them up on Carla's headboard? Oh Clavin, Clavin, Clavin.
When are you going to learn? See, now I have to retaliate.
No, you don't have to, Carla.
You know, we-we could just, uh, don't even say anything, you just forget all about it, huh? I can't forget; You know that.
All right.
Well, uh, just get it over with fast, then, will you? (chuckles) Yeah, all right.
Thank you.
No, that's for even asking.
You can't hurry an artist.
(laughing) Woody Boyd? Uh, right here.
Holly Matheson.
Boston Herald.
I understand you're running for City Council.
Yes, ma'am.
You mind if I ask you a few questions? Oh, I guess that would be okay.
(scoffs) Here's where your great experiment hits the wall, pal.
Well, maybe, maybe not.
It's all part of the experiment.
Let's start with our police force.
Morale is at an all-time low.
Officers are underpaid and overworked.
What do you plan to do? Well, I don't know much about big city stuff.
I was raised on a farm.
Oh, I get it.
This is your hook.
You're the innocent farm boy telling the big city slickers to clean up the barn and all that farm crap.
Well, no, it's not crap.
If you don't clean up the barn, you get rats.
Yes, yes.
So in other words, it's time to clean up city hall.
Well, I'm just saying that, uh, if you let the rats go, then, uh, you know, pretty soon you don't have a barn.
You just have kind of a a rat place.
So if we don't do something now, we'll lose our fair city.
Blah, blah, blah.
You know, my Grandpa Boyd caught a rat the size of a pig.
Or was it a pig the size of a rat? Well, either way, it was a big hit at the county fair.
So what you're saying is, there are no easy answers.
Well, not for me, there aren't.
You really believe this farm stuff, don't you? With all my heart.
Well, it's kind of a cornball message, but you just might be the kind of guy who can sell that stuff.
Oh, thanks, ma'am.
Woody, that was absolutely brilliant.
(scoffs): Some reporter.
She didn't even want to ask me about politics.
Oh, listen to this.
"The race in District Three is the one to watch "between incumbent Kevin Fogerty "and his idealistic young challenger Woody Boyd.
"Even this cynical reporter was impressed by Boyd's simple, straightforward approach.
" (laughs) Well according to the latest poll, candidate Boyd now stands at eight percent.
Now, do I need to go for the two remaining percent, or have I proved my point? You have proved your point.
You win.
(laughs) Very well.
Thank you very much.
Guess I can put an end to this farce.
I'll take the posters down tomorrow.
Hey, hey, turn on the news.
Fogerty just got arrested for public drunkenness.
You're kidding.
(turns on TV) Good God.
This will be a major scandal.
You know, this could really rock his campaign.
I bet the person who's running against him is pretty happy.
REPORTER: Councilman Fogerty's ratings in the polls and newcomer Boyd appears to be poised Yeah, I bet if we just printed up a few more posters Yeah, and maybe, uh, did some door-to-door canvassing CARLA: Yeah, and made some personal appearances We're going for it! (cheering) Whoo! Going for what? I missed a step.
I'd like to tell you about candidate Woody Boyd.
He's challenging the status quo, and he's listening to the voters for a change.
And while I have you on the phone, could I get two large pizzas with everything? So, uh, you don't plan to vote for Woody Boyd? Uh-huh.
Now, according to the phone book, your address is 151 Richmond? Do your children like to run and play? No, it's Boyd.
Well, he's destined for greatness.
He's one of the sharpest young political minds to come along in quite a long time.
He's absolutely brilliant.
Me? Well, I am, um I'm 26.
You're not 26! If Woody can be brilliant, I can be 26.
I've never seen all you guys work so hard.
Yeah, well Paul, you see, most of us guys who hang around here day in, day out, we frankly don't have much going for ourselves, and Woody here has a shot at actually making the big time.
It's like he he stands for all of us losers.
Even me? Especially you, Paul.
Uh, everyone, I'd, uh, like your attention, please.
As you know, it's just the big election day, and I've been charting our progress up until now, and I'd like to say with all confidence that I'm gonna win! We're gonna win! Woody Boyd is gonna be the next city councilman of this fair district! (cheering, whooping) Gosh, Dr.
Crane Not now, Woody, I'm talking.
Now, listen, I know we're not in the lead, but I can smell victory! Now, I just want you all to keep up the heat.
Let's not stop until we reach the victory party! (cheering, whooping) Well, Carla, I see you retaliated.
Yeah, it turns out, uh, she slipped me a Mickey, so I'd fall asleep in the pool room.
As it turns out, I woke up to find that she had tied my shoelaces together.
Fortunately, I noticed it before I took my first step.
Good try, Carla.
Better luck next time.
Excuse me, I have to go do my route now.
Excuse me.
Kevin Fogerty, City Council.
I just wanted you to know that I have always supported you people.
Too little, too late, Fogerty.
Woody Boyd.
Hi, Mr.
So you're the young man everyone is talking about.
Well, it's nice to finally meet you in person.
You know, you remind me of a bright, young comer that took this town by storm 30 years ago.
His name was Kevin Fogerty.
Any relation? (chuckles): Ah! Boy, I'm looking forward to our debate tomorrow.
Debate? Of course- on Channel Six.
It's a tradition whenever there's a challenger.
I think the voters deserve to hear our stands on the issues, don't you? Oh, yes, of course we do.
And we'll be there, sir.
Good! I'm really looking forward to hearing your opinions.
I don't know if I can handle a debate, Dr.
I'm not very good at rendering my opinions.
Nothing to worry about, Woody.
Just tell some more of those farm stories- people seem to love those.
If that doesn't work, just say the word "change" about a hundred times.
Come on, let's go to my place and work on it.
Trust me, Woody, with my brains and your smile, who knows how high we can go.
Congressman, senator (breathily): Who knows? (band playing "Hail to the Chief") (band continues playing) (song ends) Would you please raise your right hand and repeat after me.
I, Woodrow Tiberius Boyd, do solemnly swear I, Woodrow Tiberius Boyd, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of the President of the United States and will, to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.
That I will faithfully faithfully Execute.
Execute The.
the Office.
office Of.
of The.
the President of the United States.
Oh, I-I got that.
The President of the United States And will, to the best of my ability, preserve and protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.
Oh, boy.
and Will.
will Protect.
protect WOODY: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm calling your bluff.
I'm firing my missiles, too- all of 'em! Who was that, Woody? (deep rumbling) How the hell should I know? The phone rings, I answer it.
(booming explosion) (screaming) Woody! Thank God I got to you in time! I've got to talk What are you reading? Well, I'm boning up on the Constitution in case I ever decide to run for Congreff.
It's Congress, Woody.
In colonial times, the S's looked like F's.
Well, if I'm elected, that's the first thing I'm gonna change.
Woody, I'm sorry.
There's one thing I've got to tell you.
Listen, you have got to withdraw from the election.
What do you mean, Dr.
Crane? Well, aside from the nagging feeling that your election might actually mean the extinction of all life as we know it, you're just not a politician.
Yeah, but you said it would be easy.
In fact, you said not being a politician was my hook.
I know, Woody, I'm sorry.
Listen, I-I shouldn't have led you on.
I guess I was just drawn in by the promise of power.
Oh, but, Dr.
Crane No, no "but, Dr.
Cranes"- now, Woody, just listen to me.
Listen, the right to vote is it's far too sacred to cheapen by some some vain psychological experiment.
I mean, your winning an election without knowing anything at all about politics it would just make a mockery of the entire democratic process.
Woody, you have to withdraw.
Well, there's no sense in arguing with you, Dr.
I mean, next to Mr.
Clavin, you're the smartest guy I know.
But what about the debate? They're expecting me to go over there.
Woody, you'll just have to make a a simple speech and gracefully bow out.
Well, I guess you're right, Dr.
Gotta do what I gotta do.
It's too bad, though.
I was really looking forward to being a good city councilman and working hard to make sure that every person in my district was ensured life, liberty and the purfuit of happineff.
MODERATOR (on TV): Welcome to the District Three City Council candidates debate.
To my immediate right is Councilman Kevin Fogerty.
(booing, jeering) To his right is the Challenger, Woodrow Boyd.
(cheering, whistling) Before we begin the questions, each candidate will make a brief opening statement.
Well this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
As much as I've enjoyed getting to know you all, I-I I have to bow out of the race.
(others murmuring) SAM: What the hell's Fact is, I'm really not much of a politician.
In fact, I really don't know much about anything.
I-I I don't know, I just I just wanted to (crying): thought it'd be nice to be a city councilman.
I mean I'd do a good job, too, I promise! (sniffling): How bad could I screw up? I mean, it's not like a councilman could declare war or anything! I-I couldn't, could I? It's just one vote! I mean, would it kill you to vote for me? KELLY: Oh, don't cry, Woody! Oh, well, this is this is my wife Kelly, and she deserves better than just a simple bartender.
Oh, it's all right.
I love you, Woody.
WOODY: I love you, too, Kelly.
In fact, we both love you.
Both? Yes.
This probably isn't the ideal time to tell you, but you're gonna be a daddy.
WOODY: I'm gonna be (laughs): I'm gonna Did you hear that, everybody? I'm gonna be a daddy! (laughing) I'm gonna be a daddy! TV ANNOUNCER: WATW is now projecting a winner in District Three.
Challenger Woody Boyd has been elected to City Council.
(cheering) CLIFF: All right, way to go, Woody! I am so proud of you! Hey, hey, huh? Good luck, all right? Don't forget that little talk we had about extending unemployment benefits.
Consider it done, Mr.
Oh, hey, Dr.
Listen, uh I just wanted to thank you, you know? Uh, without you, I couldn't have done this.
In fact, you're directly responsible.
No one can prove that.
I know you don't have a lot of faith in me, Dr.
Crane, but I'm gonna prove you're wrong.
I'm gonna study hard on all the issues, and I'm gonna be a great city councilman, and maybe this is just the first rung on a very long ladder, and you're the man who made it happen.
(booming explosion)