Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Guy Can't Help It

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Well, where the hell is this guy? He said he'd be here in 15 minutes.
It's been nearly 20.
Doesn't he realize this is an emergency? Hey, calm down, will you Norm? He'll be here.
Well, it's a hell of a world we live in, Sam.
We can put a man on the moon okay, but we can't get a beer tap repairman here in a reasonable amount of time.
Norm, sit down! Just relax.
Why, why don't you have a, have a bottle of beer? Yeah, right, a bottle.
It's just not the same, Sam.
Well, I'm sure Mr.
Clavin would let you have some of his beer.
Well, I'm afraid not, Woody.
No, no, you see, we, we knew that the taps were gonna be out of service for a while, Sam made an announcement.
So I took a moment to figure out that if I take just a little sip every now and again, it would last until the repairman fixes yon tap.
But, when I suggested the strategy to Mr.
Peterson, he called me well, what was it you called me again, Norm? Bozo.
I'm a bozo.
I'm, uh, gonna go to the men's room now, okay.
Excuse me.
Oh, right, and you're gonna take your beer with you? Come on, Cliff.
We've been friends for 15 years.
I'm so pathetic, you think I'm gonna steal my best friend's beer, huh? Yeah, you're right, Normie.
I trust you.
(theme song begins) Sometimes you wanna go ♪ Where everybody knows your name ♪ ♪ And they're always glad you came ♪ You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name Yo, someone call for a beer tap repair? Yeah About an hour ago! Hey, hey, Norm Where in the hell have you been? Hey, hey, sit! Whoops.
Sit! Excuse me.
Yeah, right over here.
My name is Carla.
Yeah, I know, I read it off your left pec.
If you, uh, have anything else written on your body, I'm looking for something to read in bed.
Will you let the man do his job please, Carla? I know Braille.
No, no, no, go on.
Oh, hey, look who's back from vacation.
- Miss Howe! Hi, Rebecca.
How was your cruise? Well, I can honestly say that it was the most painful, excruciating, depressing experience of my life.
There was not one single eligible bachelor on that whole trip.
You know what? The very first day I stepped on a poison blowfish, my leg swelled up like a bloated corpse.
A bloated corpse without unsightly stubble I hope.
Oh shut up, Cliff.
FRASIER: Oh, say, Rebecca, maybe I misunderstood you earlier.
I thought the purpose of your trip wasn't to snare a husband.
Well, of course it wasn't.
Why'd you go? Woody, I was very clear about why I went before I left.
Don't you remember? No.
I said that I went to find myself, to look myself square in the eye and find out who I really was, yada, yada, yada.
Oh, yeah.
I remember the yada, yada, yada part.
Half way through the trip, I realized something- that my life is doo-doo.
WOODY: Please, Miss Howe.
You may have used that kind of language at sea, but we're not in the boiler rooms among sailors.
You know, the problem is that I'm always looking for some, for some rich, powerful man, but not anymore.
Now I want a sweet, honest guy excuse me you know, a nice, hard-working, decent kind of fellow, with a great smile Excuse me.
But I mean, where are you gonna find a guy like that? It's not like they just pop up out of thin air.
Hey, lady, your problem's solved.
Bill me.
I'm talking to my friends here.
Thank you so much, Don.
If only we lived in a culture where men could kiss other men without shame.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, I'm Don.
I'm happy for you, Don.
You know, I'm really sorry about your vacation and, uh, while I was working down there, I couldn't help but notice how nicely your leg has recovered.
Anyway, I was wondering if, uh, maybe you'd want to go out and have a cup of coffee, maybe a movie, something.
(laughing) Excuse me.
Aren't you a plumber? Well, a service technician.
Oh, can you ever forgive me? Rebecca, excuse me for interrupting, but may I ask you a question? Do you listen to yourself? Well, sometimes.
All right, not two minutes ago, you announced to the bar that you were opening yourself up to men from any walk of life.
Now, that man seems attractive, decent, and most of all, interested in you.
You're lonely, desperate, and if the bloom isn't off the rose just yet, you can certainly hear pruning shears approaching.
He is kind of cute, isn't he? Actually, he's just what I was describing.
Can you belie Is that just like me or what? It's like, I'm just standing here blathering on and on and on and on and on, while opportunity is just passing me by- it's like life is a parade.
Rebecca! Rebecca, fetch! Oh, sorry, yoo-hoo, Mr.
Burley Working Type Guy, Hold up a second.
I had a great time.
So did I.
I'll see you tonight at 7:00? 7:00.
And, uh, oh, I almost forgot.
I, I, I got a little something for you, um, just so you wouldn't be late.
What is it? (gasps) Don! Oh, what a beautiful antique watch! Yeah.
Oh, I can't accept this, Don.
It's much too expensive.
No, no, I want you to have it.
It was my mother's.
Oh, when did she die? She didn't.
She just dozes off a lot.
(both laughing) Oh, Don, you're so goofy! REBECCA: And this is so sweet.
No, Rebecca, nothing's too good for you.
Maybe you are.
Look at her, throwing herself at him.
No class.
No class at all.
I just went on a service call with Don.
He was unplugging a drain.
We got to we got to we got to eat out of his lunch pail, and then I got to hand him his tools out of his tool belt.
He wears a tool belt? Oh, man, why don't you just spit on my grave.
Well, it's nice seeing you guys have fun like that.
Oh, yeah.
And you know what's different about Don? It's like I'm not always thinking about my next move.
You know, the less I work at it, the better it seems to get.
So I'm just gonna take it nice and easy, nice and slow, you know, one step at a time, I'm not gonna fall too hard or too fast.
God, I love him! I love him so much! Do you know what I'm saying? (falsetto): Yes, you love him! Yes! There's even talk of marriage.
Marriage?! REBECCA: Yeah.
He, he talked about marriage? Well, he says it with his eyes.
And you know what, I, I just have to say that if, if he did ask me to marry him right now, I think that I would have to say yes.
Honey, don't You want to step into my office just for a second? Sure, Sam.
Looky! Looky! Looky! Looky! You know the idea of romantic love is a relatively new phenomenon.
In olden cultures, wives were no more than chattel.
They'd parade the women through the marketplace dressed in nothing but flimsy, tight-fitting animal skins with their breasts heaving and undulating in the Cliff, I don't want to hear anymore of this, okay? Anybody who wants to hear the rest of the story, uh, follow me in the pool room, please.
Go ahead, Paul.
You know you want to.
I think you're rushing into this.
You know, I mean, it's been two weeks.
What do you know about the guy? I know he's good, he's decent, and he thinks that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.
He said that? He says it with his eyes.
Does this guy's eyes shut up long enough for his mouth to ever say anything? Now, Sam, I appreciate this but I'm a big girl.
And you know what? I think I'm gonna go for it.
All right, okay, but you're settling.
Settling? No way.
Honey, come on.
Look, you've had bad luck with men all your life.
You're afraid you're never gonna get married, so you're latching onto the first guy that gives you the time of day.
That is absolutely, categorically not true! Yes, it is.
So what? Is it not better that I settle and I have someone than stick to my high standards and have no one and end up an old maid? Honey, that smells of desperation.
You don't you don't need that.
You deserve the greatest guy in the world.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I don't believe I'm about to say this.
Sit down, sit down.
Listen, I've been doing a doing a lot of thinking recently about marriage and settling down and stuff.
Yeah? (chuckles) I can't believe this- my hands are sweating.
Come on, Sam, go on with what you were saying.
Oh I, I just think that you and I Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a minute.
You're not saying what I think you're saying, are you? You know, I think there's a chance for you and me if If, if what? All right, all right, here goes If, in the next couple of years, the right woman doesn't come along, you're on the top of a very short list.
I know, I can't believe I'm saying this, either! God, this is incredible.
This y-you are saying that you will marry me if someone better doesn't come along? Is it mind-blowing or what? Oh, just wait, just one second.
I-I-I just want to be crystal clear on this.
Y-You, you sort of, look at me like your safety net? Okay You stupid jackass! What? How? What, what?! How can you be so insensitive? Oh, oh, now, now, wait a second.
Listen, all right, maybe the words didn't come out right, but all I'm saying is that you don't have to settle for this this plumber.
Settle? Me?! Wait a minute, I will tell you something! The woman that marries you will be the all-time four-star settler.
What's that supposed to mean? What does it mean? Take a look at yourself.
Look at you, I mean, the only thing you ever think about is sex.
You think you're going to make some woman feel special just because she's just another notch in your sliver of a headboard? Sam, I mean wise up! Do you ever hear women talk about you anymore? You're a cliché.
You are pathetic! Women talk about you out there and they, they laugh at you like you're a joke! I have work to do.
God, Sam, I'm-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
I-I-I think that I just was upset because you were just so inconsiderate and I So, the, uh, part about me being a joke.
You were just making up that stuff, right? Oh, yeah, 'cause, you know, you hurt me, so I wanted to hurt you and no, I mean, in fact, you would, you would make any woman a real good husband.
You're a catch.
Oh, yeah, that's better.
Have you noticed that, uh, someone in this bar is getting a little looney? Sam everyone in this bar is on a connecting flight to beyond looney.
Yeah, I'm talking about Rebecca.
You know, I'm a little worried about her.
Well, how so? Well She made up this weird story about how no one would want to marry me because, you know, I've had a lot of women in my day.
What exactly do you find weird about that? Don't say you agree with her? Well, she has a point, Sam.
Having a prolific sexual past can be very intimidating and even unattractive to a potential mate.
Well, you're as crazy as she is, Frasier! Come on, man, you know, the woman I choose is going to feel very special.
You know, like when a great chef picks the perfect pork chop? That's beautiful, Sam.
But listen, if this is really bothering you I didn't say it was bothering me.
Well, all right, okay, okay.
But if it does bother you, you're perfectly capable of making a change.
You can reinvent Sam Malone.
You know, this could be a turning point for you in your life.
Listen, I'm going to write down the number of a man.
His name is Dr.
Robert Sutton.
And he has a therapy group for sexual compulsives.
Well, what are- what are you saying? I'm hooked on sex? (chuckling): Well, let's face it Sam.
It consumes you.
Look, be honest.
How long do you think you could go without thinking about sex? As long as I want.
Fine, go ahead.
Time me.
All right, start now.
How long was that? About a second.
Well, is, is that normal? For a rabbit! You know something, I don't, I don't care what you think.
You know, I am leading the life that I want to lead.
And if I, if I choose to settle down someday, I won't have any problem finding someone to do it with.
Okay, okay.
I'll tell you what.
Let's get a woman's opinion.
Carla will suffice.
Carla What? Sam here has a question he'd like to pop.
Yeah, all right, fine.
Carla, strictly hypothetically, would you marry me? Sammy, that's a stupid question.
Well, I know it is.
Not in a million years! What? Oh, Sammy.
Nobody loves you as much as I do.
But I know you! You know, we'd be taking our wedding vows, and you'd be checking out the bridesmaids.
You're a hound.
I can't marry a hound.
Hey, I thought we had something special going on between us.
Definitely, we do.
I just always thought that I'd be the woman you cheated on your wife with.
Call me a hopeless romantic.
Well, Sam, uh, when you're ready.
Hey, Fras.
Oh, hey, hey, Norm.
Hmm? Yeah? Can I talk to you a second? Sure.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life.
You know, and I think I need a little advice.
Well, well, hold on a second.
Is this going to be one of those conversations where you're feeling sort of vulnerable and you really need a good friend to talk to 'cause you're thinking about changing the direction of your life? Yeah.
Could you just hang on a second, then? Just Norm said you wanted to talk to me? So, that's when I gave Dr.
Sutton a call.
SAM: Uh, excuse me.
Is this the meeting for the sex thing? Yes the sexual compulsives group.
Yes, I'm Doctor Sutton.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
We've just been going around the room, telling a little bit about ourselves.
And why don't we continue with you? Let's start with your name.
First name only, please.
All right, uh, (clears throat) My name is Steve.
ALL: Hi, Steve.
Uh, well, uh, I'm, I'm starting off on the wrong foot, here.
Uh, my real name is not Steve.
It's Bob.
ALL: Hi, Bob.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I, uh, I'm really embarrassed.
My name isn't Bob, either.
It's, uh, it's Sam.
No, really, it is.
It's Sam.
ALL: HiSam.
Well, uh, where to begin? See, I-I don't, I don't really have a problem, you know.
It's just that, uh, my friends think I do.
Uh, see, I've, I've, had a lot of sex in my life.
We all have.
No, No.
You see, I-I mean a lot.
So do I.
Yeah, all right, wise guy.
I'm writing down a number here.
Sam, I think you're missing the point.
Uh, well, you know, I don't, I don't know why they think I have a problem.
You know, so I have a healthy sex drive.
Big deal.
I mean, what's, what's the big deal about that, huh? I mean, uh, you know, granted it's a big part of my life.
You know, when I'm not having sex, I'm-I'm thinking about it.
I-I don't want you to think that I'm, uh, you know, that I'm, uh, (clears throat) you know, that I'm shallow, 'cause I have other interests, too.
You know, like, like, like my hair.
The, uh the babes really love my hair.
Yeah, I don't know what the big deal is.
You know, when I was growing up, it was a sign of-of manhood how many women you shagged.
I guess I just, uh, missed the announcement when they changed the rule.
So, I just kept on doing it.
I- I suppose if I'm really honest, that I I'm not that happy anymore.
Um, I suppose I'm, I'm, you know, beginning to realize that, uh, all that skirt chasing kept me from experiencing some of the good things in life.
Some of the important things.
Uh, maybe, uh Maybe I'm not here for my friends.
M-Maybe I am here for myself.
Thank you, Sam.
I know that was difficult for you, but we're glad you're here.
Uh, who's next? How about you? Uh, well, I guess I've had this problem for a long time.
Excuse me, your name? Oh, sorry.
ALL: Hi, Rachel.
I guess the root of my behaviour, like everybody's, is my low self-esteem.
I never thought I was very pretty or had any particular talent.
The only time I felt special was when men were attracted to me sexually.
And it started out innocently enough, you know.
I would sleep with a guy on the first date, every now and then.
But it wasn't long before I was having a first date every night.
And soon, sex was all I could think about.
Morning, noon and night.
Seven days a week.
It wasn't enough as far as quantity, it had to be dangerous, too.
I would duck into an alleyway with a guy on the way to work.
Or I'd stop an elevator between floors.
Sneak a guy into a department store dressing room.
I would love to put a stop to this, because I I feel like my appetites are out of control.
I mean, I hunger for it constantly.
And there is no limit to how low I'll go.
There's no chance I won't take.
No fantasy I won't fulfill.
My lust controls me and that's why I'm here.
So, you like Chinese food?