Clarence US (2014) s01e23 Episode Script
Too Gross for Comfort
1 [remote clicks.]
[upbeat music plays.]
I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! Jeff: On your mark, get set Go! [All cheering, screaming.]
- Sumo: Go, Go, go! Come on! - Oh, come on! - Come on, go! - Sumo: Go! Let's go, let's go! Come on, please! Sumo: You better go! I said go! [Whistle blows.]
Jeff: That's time! And the winner of this heat is Sir Scarhead Razortail! Sumo: Yeah, Razortail, that's how you do it.
Yeah! Jeff: Next heat we have Buttercream, Donathan, Marvelous Mel, Aladdin, and Doctor Squeeze.
Two minutes till race time.
[Reggae music plays.]
[humming.]
- Stay loose, you got this! - Here you go, Aladdin.
You gotta stay hydrated.
[Whistle blows.]
Jeff: Penalty! No tiny skateboards! Uh I wasn't there's no tiny skateboards here.
Jeff: Sorry, sir, but Donathan is disqualified.
Clarence: [grunts.]
Hey, guys, look who I ran into at the store.
- It's Chelsea.
- Hey, guys! [Boys gasp.]
[whistle blows.]
Jeff: Penalty! Girl! It's the whistle [chuckles.]
Clarence: I know this place is pretty out there.
You've probably never been in a place so cool, huh? What do you mean? It's just a tree house.
All: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Clarence: No, no, no.
This is no tree house, milady.
This is the guyscraper! oh, yeah Sumo: I wanted to call it the man nest.
Clarence: Yep, pretty much anything goes up here.
Nothing's too gross or too scary.
Sumo: And if you can't handle it, there's the door.
- Oh, I can handle it.
- Sumo: We'll see.
Together: Sumo! Sumo! Sumo! Sumo! Sumo! [Whistle blows.]
- Clarence: Emergency huddle! - Jeff: Gr-o-o-o-oss! Clarence: Come on, guys.
Just because girls aren't allowed in the guyscraper doesn't mean Chelsea can't be here.
- Sumo: Yes, it does.
- Clarence: Oh.
Well, then let's just give her a chance anyway.
Together: Boo! Sumo: Shh! Okay.
Let's give her a shot.
Clarence: Really? Sumo: Yeah, let's see how much gross she can take.
Together: Yeah.
Clarence: [whines.]
Jeff: Or we could play a game! I've got tiddlywinks, jacks, ball in a cup I can handle whatever you guys dish out.
- Sumo: That's what you say now! - The grosser the better! Clarence: [chuckles.]
Uh, so we're all friends now, right guys? - Sumo: Let's go! - Together: Yeah! Can you take this?! [Laughing.]
A centipede? Yawn.
Down here.
Check this out.
That's a scrape.
Probably won't even leave a scar.
[Flies buzzing.]
[boys whispering.]
- Sumo: Oh [grumbles.]
- Hey, Chelsea! Ha! - Chipped it on a mailbox.
- Swing-set beam, teeth first.
- Is that all you guys got? - Clarence: Wait, wait, wait for me! I got a bag full of cat eyes! Actually, they're marbles.
- That's really cool, Clarence.
- Clarence: Thanks.
See, guys? We should always have girls up here, especially on meatball Mondays.
Jeff: Why don't we forget about gross things and look at some neat things instead? I've got some uncracked geodes we could look at.
Now be very careful.
I don't want to crack any of them open ye Aahh! - Clarence: Oh, gross! Ugh! - Is that some kind of hair ball? Clarence: Hey, Jeff! You should come look at this thing! Jeff? [vomiting.]
Sumo: Maybe you should join him, Chelsea.
That'll be the day, Sumo.
Clarence: [breathes deeply.]
It really happened to me.
A goose laid eggs in a nest, and I found it in the forest.
She was there every day for three months.
[Goose honking.]
Probably 'cause we were such good pals.
[Goose hisses, honks.]
Then, one day, the goose was gone.
[Gasps.]
[glass shatters.]
But there was still one egg next to the nest.
I don't know if it was a dud egg or what.
It was probably a dud egg.
So I gave it a teeny tiny tap.
[All coughing, retching.]
It was so gross that I just threw up.
And every time I thought about it, I threw up again.
Just tellin' it right now makes me want to throw up! - Sumo: Ew.
- Eh.
Sumo: I got stories so gross, you'll wish you could erase your brain.
My stories are so gross, they'll melt your brain.
- Sumo: Yeah? Prove it.
- You first.
Clarence: Ooh! Like story time? That sounds like fun.
So everybody just sits around in a circle and tells their grossest stories? Let's do it! Together: Yeah! - Clarence: Who wants to go first? - I'll go! This is the story that makes you wish you were never born.
- Really? - I guess it's not that bad, but it's still pretty bad.
My sister's afraid of everything, so I scare her all the time.
[Gasps, screams.]
Aah! [Crying.]
[Gasps.]
Aah! Every single toenail gone! Blood everywhere! And the closet door still worked.
Jeff: [retching.]
Sumo: Nice! That hurt my toes! - But your toenails grew back.
- Yeah, well, eventually, but - But what? - Aw, forget it.
Clarence: That is so gross, Emilio.
A-plus in my book.
Sumo, you do one.
Your whole life is gross.
Sumo: Nah.
I'm not feelin' it.
[Spits.]
[Spits.]
Clarence: Me either.
[Spits.]
- Oh, oh, come on.
- My turn, then.
- Know how I got this scar? - Mosquito bite? That's pretty close actually.
But also way off.
My parents took me on a trip to Belize.
Something bit my arm, and it swelled up so bad, so I had to go to the hospital.
But it wasn't just a bite.
Something laid eggs in my arm, and the doctor reached in with his cold tweezers and and and and pulled out a worm! And it wiggled! [Gasps, groans.]
Together: Ewwww! Also, I did not pass out.
So you had a botfly removed.
Yeah, that's pretty gross until you've seen a bunch of internet videos like I have.
- What? Come on! - Sumo: Oh, come on! Give it to us! Jeff: I'm so unhappy.
That image is in my head, and I can't get it out.
Clarence: I know, Jeff.
This is what the guyscraper was built for.
Come on, Jeff.
You must have a million stories.
- You think everything's gross.
- Jeff: No, I can't.
Clarence: Sure you can.
Come on.
That noggin of yours is like a gross computer.
Jeff: Well, there is one story, but it's rather disturbing.
- Go on.
- Jeff: I'm not sure where to start.
Clarence: How about at the start? Jeff: It was a crisp Autumn morning, - with notes of cinnamon in the air - Sumo: Skip ahead! Jeff: I was taking a shower.
The water temperature, pressure, and dispersal pattern were perfect.
Then I noticed the drain.
[Gasps.]
It was backing up.
I tried to evade the contaminated water, but it kept on rising! And rising! There was no escape! Eeee! - Then what happened? - Clarence: And then the gross water overflowed the tub and filled up in the house and everyone was barfing all over the place? Take your time.
Jeff: No.
The drain started working, and the water went away.
So, basically, nothing happened? Jeff: Are you not listening? I'll start again.
- It was a crisp Autumn - Save it! I got one.
Time to separate the boys from the girls.
Hunh! So, this one night, I had a dream I fell out of a boat and I was stuck in the ocean.
Turns out I threw up in my sleep! [Rim shot.]
- And? - And you're not smart enough to get it.
That's my time.
Good night, Aberdale! Clarence: Ooh, wait! I got another one.
And this one's a real doozy.
So, this one time, I was walking through a field of, uh broccoli and worms and and bugs! And all of the sudden, I see this, uh wolf.
I mean, werewolf tiger with two heads made of garbage.
Yeah, two garbage heads.
And he goes, "I'm gonna take off my fur," and he did, and his skin was just full of, like, mud and gunk and just jelly and peanut butter and meat fat.
- No good? - Sumo: It's time.
My whole family, one RV driving to Florida to visit my grandparents.
We stopped for lunch at Fishy Phil's house of clam meat, 200 miles from the nearest body of water.
- Big mistake.
- And you all got sick.
[All gasp.]
- Jeff: So cool.
- Sumo: Uh oh, yeah?! Well, what do you got?! 4th of July weekend, barbecue in our neighbor's yard.
They had a brand-new trampoline.
The sweet smell of hickory-smoked ribs was in the air.
The tramp was empty for the first time all day.
I climbed on and started jumping.
One simple flip that's all I wanted to do.
Sumo: But when you tried, you broke your arm.
It was so bad, you could see the bone.
Happened to everybody in my family.
That's why my dad got rid of the trampoline.
- Got something better?! - Sumo: My friend was lost on the ice planet, and he cut open his weird kangaroo-y thing that - he used to get warm - That's a movie! One time, I ordered chili, and - there was a rat - Sumo: Saw it on the news! - There was a bumblebee - Heard it! - One time, a shark - Sumo: Heard it! - A restaura - Heard it! I Sumo: Heard it! [Both panting.]
[smooching.]
[all gasp without voice.]
[All screaming.]
Clarence: [gasps.]
Sumo: What are you lookin' at?! Yeah! What are you smiling about?! Clarence: Guys you're in love! [Both screaming.]
And And you're gonna get married, and you're gonna have babies, and one's gonna look like you, and one's gonna look like you, and and I'm gonna live in your garage! [All vomiting.]
Well, guys, looks like it's just you and me again.
[Reggae music plays.]
[upbeat music plays.]
I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! Jeff: On your mark, get set Go! [All cheering, screaming.]
- Sumo: Go, Go, go! Come on! - Oh, come on! - Come on, go! - Sumo: Go! Let's go, let's go! Come on, please! Sumo: You better go! I said go! [Whistle blows.]
Jeff: That's time! And the winner of this heat is Sir Scarhead Razortail! Sumo: Yeah, Razortail, that's how you do it.
Yeah! Jeff: Next heat we have Buttercream, Donathan, Marvelous Mel, Aladdin, and Doctor Squeeze.
Two minutes till race time.
[Reggae music plays.]
[humming.]
- Stay loose, you got this! - Here you go, Aladdin.
You gotta stay hydrated.
[Whistle blows.]
Jeff: Penalty! No tiny skateboards! Uh I wasn't there's no tiny skateboards here.
Jeff: Sorry, sir, but Donathan is disqualified.
Clarence: [grunts.]
Hey, guys, look who I ran into at the store.
- It's Chelsea.
- Hey, guys! [Boys gasp.]
[whistle blows.]
Jeff: Penalty! Girl! It's the whistle [chuckles.]
Clarence: I know this place is pretty out there.
You've probably never been in a place so cool, huh? What do you mean? It's just a tree house.
All: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Clarence: No, no, no.
This is no tree house, milady.
This is the guyscraper! oh, yeah Sumo: I wanted to call it the man nest.
Clarence: Yep, pretty much anything goes up here.
Nothing's too gross or too scary.
Sumo: And if you can't handle it, there's the door.
- Oh, I can handle it.
- Sumo: We'll see.
Together: Sumo! Sumo! Sumo! Sumo! Sumo! [Whistle blows.]
- Clarence: Emergency huddle! - Jeff: Gr-o-o-o-oss! Clarence: Come on, guys.
Just because girls aren't allowed in the guyscraper doesn't mean Chelsea can't be here.
- Sumo: Yes, it does.
- Clarence: Oh.
Well, then let's just give her a chance anyway.
Together: Boo! Sumo: Shh! Okay.
Let's give her a shot.
Clarence: Really? Sumo: Yeah, let's see how much gross she can take.
Together: Yeah.
Clarence: [whines.]
Jeff: Or we could play a game! I've got tiddlywinks, jacks, ball in a cup I can handle whatever you guys dish out.
- Sumo: That's what you say now! - The grosser the better! Clarence: [chuckles.]
Uh, so we're all friends now, right guys? - Sumo: Let's go! - Together: Yeah! Can you take this?! [Laughing.]
A centipede? Yawn.
Down here.
Check this out.
That's a scrape.
Probably won't even leave a scar.
[Flies buzzing.]
[boys whispering.]
- Sumo: Oh [grumbles.]
- Hey, Chelsea! Ha! - Chipped it on a mailbox.
- Swing-set beam, teeth first.
- Is that all you guys got? - Clarence: Wait, wait, wait for me! I got a bag full of cat eyes! Actually, they're marbles.
- That's really cool, Clarence.
- Clarence: Thanks.
See, guys? We should always have girls up here, especially on meatball Mondays.
Jeff: Why don't we forget about gross things and look at some neat things instead? I've got some uncracked geodes we could look at.
Now be very careful.
I don't want to crack any of them open ye Aahh! - Clarence: Oh, gross! Ugh! - Is that some kind of hair ball? Clarence: Hey, Jeff! You should come look at this thing! Jeff? [vomiting.]
Sumo: Maybe you should join him, Chelsea.
That'll be the day, Sumo.
Clarence: [breathes deeply.]
It really happened to me.
A goose laid eggs in a nest, and I found it in the forest.
She was there every day for three months.
[Goose honking.]
Probably 'cause we were such good pals.
[Goose hisses, honks.]
Then, one day, the goose was gone.
[Gasps.]
[glass shatters.]
But there was still one egg next to the nest.
I don't know if it was a dud egg or what.
It was probably a dud egg.
So I gave it a teeny tiny tap.
[All coughing, retching.]
It was so gross that I just threw up.
And every time I thought about it, I threw up again.
Just tellin' it right now makes me want to throw up! - Sumo: Ew.
- Eh.
Sumo: I got stories so gross, you'll wish you could erase your brain.
My stories are so gross, they'll melt your brain.
- Sumo: Yeah? Prove it.
- You first.
Clarence: Ooh! Like story time? That sounds like fun.
So everybody just sits around in a circle and tells their grossest stories? Let's do it! Together: Yeah! - Clarence: Who wants to go first? - I'll go! This is the story that makes you wish you were never born.
- Really? - I guess it's not that bad, but it's still pretty bad.
My sister's afraid of everything, so I scare her all the time.
[Gasps, screams.]
Aah! [Crying.]
[Gasps.]
Aah! Every single toenail gone! Blood everywhere! And the closet door still worked.
Jeff: [retching.]
Sumo: Nice! That hurt my toes! - But your toenails grew back.
- Yeah, well, eventually, but - But what? - Aw, forget it.
Clarence: That is so gross, Emilio.
A-plus in my book.
Sumo, you do one.
Your whole life is gross.
Sumo: Nah.
I'm not feelin' it.
[Spits.]
[Spits.]
Clarence: Me either.
[Spits.]
- Oh, oh, come on.
- My turn, then.
- Know how I got this scar? - Mosquito bite? That's pretty close actually.
But also way off.
My parents took me on a trip to Belize.
Something bit my arm, and it swelled up so bad, so I had to go to the hospital.
But it wasn't just a bite.
Something laid eggs in my arm, and the doctor reached in with his cold tweezers and and and and pulled out a worm! And it wiggled! [Gasps, groans.]
Together: Ewwww! Also, I did not pass out.
So you had a botfly removed.
Yeah, that's pretty gross until you've seen a bunch of internet videos like I have.
- What? Come on! - Sumo: Oh, come on! Give it to us! Jeff: I'm so unhappy.
That image is in my head, and I can't get it out.
Clarence: I know, Jeff.
This is what the guyscraper was built for.
Come on, Jeff.
You must have a million stories.
- You think everything's gross.
- Jeff: No, I can't.
Clarence: Sure you can.
Come on.
That noggin of yours is like a gross computer.
Jeff: Well, there is one story, but it's rather disturbing.
- Go on.
- Jeff: I'm not sure where to start.
Clarence: How about at the start? Jeff: It was a crisp Autumn morning, - with notes of cinnamon in the air - Sumo: Skip ahead! Jeff: I was taking a shower.
The water temperature, pressure, and dispersal pattern were perfect.
Then I noticed the drain.
[Gasps.]
It was backing up.
I tried to evade the contaminated water, but it kept on rising! And rising! There was no escape! Eeee! - Then what happened? - Clarence: And then the gross water overflowed the tub and filled up in the house and everyone was barfing all over the place? Take your time.
Jeff: No.
The drain started working, and the water went away.
So, basically, nothing happened? Jeff: Are you not listening? I'll start again.
- It was a crisp Autumn - Save it! I got one.
Time to separate the boys from the girls.
Hunh! So, this one night, I had a dream I fell out of a boat and I was stuck in the ocean.
Turns out I threw up in my sleep! [Rim shot.]
- And? - And you're not smart enough to get it.
That's my time.
Good night, Aberdale! Clarence: Ooh, wait! I got another one.
And this one's a real doozy.
So, this one time, I was walking through a field of, uh broccoli and worms and and bugs! And all of the sudden, I see this, uh wolf.
I mean, werewolf tiger with two heads made of garbage.
Yeah, two garbage heads.
And he goes, "I'm gonna take off my fur," and he did, and his skin was just full of, like, mud and gunk and just jelly and peanut butter and meat fat.
- No good? - Sumo: It's time.
My whole family, one RV driving to Florida to visit my grandparents.
We stopped for lunch at Fishy Phil's house of clam meat, 200 miles from the nearest body of water.
- Big mistake.
- And you all got sick.
[All gasp.]
- Jeff: So cool.
- Sumo: Uh oh, yeah?! Well, what do you got?! 4th of July weekend, barbecue in our neighbor's yard.
They had a brand-new trampoline.
The sweet smell of hickory-smoked ribs was in the air.
The tramp was empty for the first time all day.
I climbed on and started jumping.
One simple flip that's all I wanted to do.
Sumo: But when you tried, you broke your arm.
It was so bad, you could see the bone.
Happened to everybody in my family.
That's why my dad got rid of the trampoline.
- Got something better?! - Sumo: My friend was lost on the ice planet, and he cut open his weird kangaroo-y thing that - he used to get warm - That's a movie! One time, I ordered chili, and - there was a rat - Sumo: Saw it on the news! - There was a bumblebee - Heard it! - One time, a shark - Sumo: Heard it! - A restaura - Heard it! I Sumo: Heard it! [Both panting.]
[smooching.]
[all gasp without voice.]
[All screaming.]
Clarence: [gasps.]
Sumo: What are you lookin' at?! Yeah! What are you smiling about?! Clarence: Guys you're in love! [Both screaming.]
And And you're gonna get married, and you're gonna have babies, and one's gonna look like you, and one's gonna look like you, and and I'm gonna live in your garage! [All vomiting.]
Well, guys, looks like it's just you and me again.
[Reggae music plays.]