Clarence US (2014) s03e07 Episode Script
Badgers & Bunkers (Stormy Sleepover, Part 3)
1 Clarence: Previously on "Clarence" When the power went out, Mom and Chad pretended that Jeff was me.
But Jeff wasn't that good at being me, so he mostly just cleaned up a lot, which it freaked out my mom and Chad 'cause they thought he was a robot.
Everyone's wondering where I went, and Wait.
Where am I? [Echoing.]
[Jeff laughs maniacally.]
[Remote clicks.]
[Upbeat music plays.]
I don't care what you say [Soft acoustic guitar music plays.]
[Thunder rumbles.]
[Gurgling, humming softly.]
[Music.]
- # We're Ums # - I'm here just North of Aberdale, - and it's just awful! - # We're dum, we're Ums, um dum dum # I've never seen anything like it! - # We live inside your bed # - It's a real gale! - # We live inside your socks # - I can now report hail.
There's hail here.
We're super, super fun, we're Mmms! Oh, man, that never gets old.
[Gasps.]
My slimy raisin drink! Do not go outside under any circumst [Banjo music plays.]
What?! Man! [Grunting.]
Oh, hello there.
[Chuckles.]
Beautiful day! - Yup.
World's gonna end.
- That's too bad.
[Sumo grunting.]
[Music.]
[Hose creaks.]
Knock, knock.
[Growls.]
Ya drink it.
Ya see? There ya go! What? [Groans.]
[Sighs.]
Hmm.
[Wind whistling.]
Tinona, can you get the kids, please? - Is this a drill? - Mnh-mnh.
There ain't no way to say this, but the planet's getting warmer, bees are dying, dollar won't buy what it used to.
What?! [Yawns.]
All: Aww! Family, we don't got time to gush over some critter! - Careful, Dad! - Ow! She bites.
This critter's gonna get buried six feet under water, and so will we if we don't prepare properly.
[Growling.]
Sumo, put her outside.
But, Dad, I think she's an orphan! If it's not family, it's just another mouth to feed.
[Giggling.]
- What? - Huh? - Hmm? [Thunder rumbles.]
Now, this blue line is forest fires, and the orange right here, that's typhus.
Now, you're gonna have to figure out what you're gonna do.
Now, let's try a little thought experiment.
Pretend this basketball is the Earth, and my fist is gamma rays.
Pow! - Only the moon men survive.
- Shh.
Ow! Now, you might think it's silly to practice in the rain, but this is simulating real life conditions here.
In a high-wind type situation, you're gonna want to tie yourself up to a buddy - using a six-foot rope.
- Whoa! Family, this is important, so I'm only gonna do this once.
Hey, dad, can I go to Clarence's for a sleepover? Negative.
Tonight, we're doing radioactive preparation.
Sorry.
My dad's making us do these stupid doomsday drills.
[Chomp!.]
Ow! Quit blabbing about slumber parties! I'm coming! Clarence: Wait, so now you are coming? No, I was talking to my dad.
Sumo, this could save your [Grunts.]
[Laughs.]
[Eerie music plays.]
Uh, Dad, are we over-watering these plants? [Air horn honks.]
I want to see those knees up in the air.
Go, go, go! Jump! [Grunting.]
Can we go inside already?! Now, Sumo, you got three seconds to get your mask back on before you're completely contaminated.
Three, two, one - and you're toast.
- You're crazy! Remember how you said the chickens wouldn't lay eggs - because of the eclipse? - Sumo, this could [Electricity crackles.]
What? [yelling.]
Protocol 22! Protocol 22! Protocol 22! Dad, it's just [Dramatic rock music plays.]
[Engine starts.]
[All murmuring.]
[Whistle.]
Tanner: [Chuckles.]
Everybody in school is gonna love me now.
Family, welcome to your new home.
- Ooh! - Yeah! - Wow! [Animal chittering.]
Ooh! Aah! [Grunts.]
[Chomp!.]
Ow! Uh, I-I mean, wow! Told you they'd love it.
Well, come on.
Let me show y'all around.
You got your dining area - Yeah! - Whoa! - Look at that! And in here, enough beans to make a farmer blush.
You got your sleeping area with radio for sweet lullabies.
Ms.
Baker: Hello? Is anyone out there?! We need help! Help! [Radio clicks off.]
That's enough of that.
Over here's the aquarium, so Lil' Brandi can be a mermaid.
Oh! How'd you know?! - Over there's the entertainment console.
- Get out of here.
I'm first! This is the bucket corner for all your bucket needs now with a privacy curtain.
And right next door is the fun hump - Should keep Sumo entertained.
- [Scoffs.]
Yeah, sure will.
This is where you'll have school because, in a ruthless world, only the cunning survive.
Right above your heads, here's your new sun, diesel-powered.
Over here, we've got your zombie apocalypse kit, - your lizard-man repellent.
- [Grunts.]
Quit biting! [Animal chittering.]
Your vampire kit [Laughter and cheering.]
Huh? [Chomp!.]
Ow! - Dad, she didn't mean it! - This isn't a discussion.
Critters aren't part of this family.
What!? What about the dogs?! The house belongs to them now.
[Dogs howling, barking.]
So we're just gonna live here forever like mole people? I bet the power will be back on any second.
All right, lets take a vote.
Who wants to stay in the shelter? - Yeah! - I like being a mermaid.
And who wants to live outside with the critters? [Growling.]
[Scoffs, mutters.]
[Whimpers.]
Go on! Git! [Whines.]
[Yells.]
Go on! Git! Aah! Ah! That bucket works great.
- Nothing goes in or out, understand? - Yeah, sure.
All right.
Who's hungry? Now aren't we just blessed from above to have such a bounty in the end times? Yuck! I want that! We'll have that at Christmas, Sumo.
Eat your liver.
Sumo, could you pass the ketchup? Nah! Sumo can do it.
Sumo, I am pretty sure you knew that's not what I meant.
Seems like Sumo doesn't care about having ketchup in the apocalypse.
Hope everybody here likes dry meat.
[Chair scraping.]
Ah, okay.
All right yeah.
Yeah, Sumo, very nice.
There he goes.
Yep, you have fun over there on your fun hump.
Tanner, can you pass some mustard? [Chimes jingling.]
[Sighs.]
I don't know what to do about Sumo.
That boy just doesn't listen.
- Wonder where he gets that from.
- What? [Rain falling.]
Oh.
What y'all looking at? [Music.]
Sumo, I Look, you can't You know what I mean.
Sumo, come on.
Just take the dang pudding.
Sumo? [Music.]
Wha ? [Dramatic music plays.]
[Thunder cracks.]
[Wind howling.]
[Grunting.]
[Shivering.]
Sumo! Sumo, where are ya, boy?! Sumo: Come on, girl, we gotta get out.
[Growls.]
- Ow! - Sumo, what are you doing?! - Go away! - It's dangerous.
- I'm tying you off! - Stop! I'm not leaving without Candice! Sumo, we don't got time to be naming critters and hiding in dog houses! - Let go! Ow! - Stop.
We gotta get out of here! - No! - Sumo, come on! - No! - Come on! - Aah! Gah! - Dad! Aaaaaah! [Chomp!.]
Huh? [Muffled growling.]
Aaaaaah! [Old timey music playing on radio.]
Ohh! [Groans.]
Sumo! Candice? You okay? Come on, girl! Stay with me, Candice, stay with me! [Sad music plays.]
I'm sorry, Sumo.
[Chomp!.]
Ow! - Ah, dang! Really?! - Come back! [Music.]
[Candice squeals.]
Oh, no! Candice! - Sumo, wait! - No, Candice! Dad, she saved us! We gotta save her! Aaaaaaah! [Objects clattering.]
Dad, what are you doing? Sumo, that critter saved us back there.
She's family now, and we don't leave family behind.
We're gonna go get her? Yup, and we ain't coming back till [Music.]
Uh, Dad, uh I lo I lo I lov Yeah, I know what you mean.
I, earlier, I was, um pudding, uh I know what you mean, Dad.
- Tinona, can I borrow your truck? - What for? Sumo's got a friend out in the storm.
We're gonna go get her.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
- Thanks, hon, I - Don't scratch it.
[Chuckles.]
Course not.
Thanks, babe.
- Sumo, you ready? - Yeah! Dad, what are you do I thought I told y'all to go back to sleep.
Whoa! [Laughs.]
Awesome! Yeah! [Laughs.]
But Jeff wasn't that good at being me, so he mostly just cleaned up a lot, which it freaked out my mom and Chad 'cause they thought he was a robot.
Everyone's wondering where I went, and Wait.
Where am I? [Echoing.]
[Jeff laughs maniacally.]
[Remote clicks.]
[Upbeat music plays.]
I don't care what you say [Soft acoustic guitar music plays.]
[Thunder rumbles.]
[Gurgling, humming softly.]
[Music.]
- # We're Ums # - I'm here just North of Aberdale, - and it's just awful! - # We're dum, we're Ums, um dum dum # I've never seen anything like it! - # We live inside your bed # - It's a real gale! - # We live inside your socks # - I can now report hail.
There's hail here.
We're super, super fun, we're Mmms! Oh, man, that never gets old.
[Gasps.]
My slimy raisin drink! Do not go outside under any circumst [Banjo music plays.]
What?! Man! [Grunting.]
Oh, hello there.
[Chuckles.]
Beautiful day! - Yup.
World's gonna end.
- That's too bad.
[Sumo grunting.]
[Music.]
[Hose creaks.]
Knock, knock.
[Growls.]
Ya drink it.
Ya see? There ya go! What? [Groans.]
[Sighs.]
Hmm.
[Wind whistling.]
Tinona, can you get the kids, please? - Is this a drill? - Mnh-mnh.
There ain't no way to say this, but the planet's getting warmer, bees are dying, dollar won't buy what it used to.
What?! [Yawns.]
All: Aww! Family, we don't got time to gush over some critter! - Careful, Dad! - Ow! She bites.
This critter's gonna get buried six feet under water, and so will we if we don't prepare properly.
[Growling.]
Sumo, put her outside.
But, Dad, I think she's an orphan! If it's not family, it's just another mouth to feed.
[Giggling.]
- What? - Huh? - Hmm? [Thunder rumbles.]
Now, this blue line is forest fires, and the orange right here, that's typhus.
Now, you're gonna have to figure out what you're gonna do.
Now, let's try a little thought experiment.
Pretend this basketball is the Earth, and my fist is gamma rays.
Pow! - Only the moon men survive.
- Shh.
Ow! Now, you might think it's silly to practice in the rain, but this is simulating real life conditions here.
In a high-wind type situation, you're gonna want to tie yourself up to a buddy - using a six-foot rope.
- Whoa! Family, this is important, so I'm only gonna do this once.
Hey, dad, can I go to Clarence's for a sleepover? Negative.
Tonight, we're doing radioactive preparation.
Sorry.
My dad's making us do these stupid doomsday drills.
[Chomp!.]
Ow! Quit blabbing about slumber parties! I'm coming! Clarence: Wait, so now you are coming? No, I was talking to my dad.
Sumo, this could save your [Grunts.]
[Laughs.]
[Eerie music plays.]
Uh, Dad, are we over-watering these plants? [Air horn honks.]
I want to see those knees up in the air.
Go, go, go! Jump! [Grunting.]
Can we go inside already?! Now, Sumo, you got three seconds to get your mask back on before you're completely contaminated.
Three, two, one - and you're toast.
- You're crazy! Remember how you said the chickens wouldn't lay eggs - because of the eclipse? - Sumo, this could [Electricity crackles.]
What? [yelling.]
Protocol 22! Protocol 22! Protocol 22! Dad, it's just [Dramatic rock music plays.]
[Engine starts.]
[All murmuring.]
[Whistle.]
Tanner: [Chuckles.]
Everybody in school is gonna love me now.
Family, welcome to your new home.
- Ooh! - Yeah! - Wow! [Animal chittering.]
Ooh! Aah! [Grunts.]
[Chomp!.]
Ow! Uh, I-I mean, wow! Told you they'd love it.
Well, come on.
Let me show y'all around.
You got your dining area - Yeah! - Whoa! - Look at that! And in here, enough beans to make a farmer blush.
You got your sleeping area with radio for sweet lullabies.
Ms.
Baker: Hello? Is anyone out there?! We need help! Help! [Radio clicks off.]
That's enough of that.
Over here's the aquarium, so Lil' Brandi can be a mermaid.
Oh! How'd you know?! - Over there's the entertainment console.
- Get out of here.
I'm first! This is the bucket corner for all your bucket needs now with a privacy curtain.
And right next door is the fun hump - Should keep Sumo entertained.
- [Scoffs.]
Yeah, sure will.
This is where you'll have school because, in a ruthless world, only the cunning survive.
Right above your heads, here's your new sun, diesel-powered.
Over here, we've got your zombie apocalypse kit, - your lizard-man repellent.
- [Grunts.]
Quit biting! [Animal chittering.]
Your vampire kit [Laughter and cheering.]
Huh? [Chomp!.]
Ow! - Dad, she didn't mean it! - This isn't a discussion.
Critters aren't part of this family.
What!? What about the dogs?! The house belongs to them now.
[Dogs howling, barking.]
So we're just gonna live here forever like mole people? I bet the power will be back on any second.
All right, lets take a vote.
Who wants to stay in the shelter? - Yeah! - I like being a mermaid.
And who wants to live outside with the critters? [Growling.]
[Scoffs, mutters.]
[Whimpers.]
Go on! Git! [Whines.]
[Yells.]
Go on! Git! Aah! Ah! That bucket works great.
- Nothing goes in or out, understand? - Yeah, sure.
All right.
Who's hungry? Now aren't we just blessed from above to have such a bounty in the end times? Yuck! I want that! We'll have that at Christmas, Sumo.
Eat your liver.
Sumo, could you pass the ketchup? Nah! Sumo can do it.
Sumo, I am pretty sure you knew that's not what I meant.
Seems like Sumo doesn't care about having ketchup in the apocalypse.
Hope everybody here likes dry meat.
[Chair scraping.]
Ah, okay.
All right yeah.
Yeah, Sumo, very nice.
There he goes.
Yep, you have fun over there on your fun hump.
Tanner, can you pass some mustard? [Chimes jingling.]
[Sighs.]
I don't know what to do about Sumo.
That boy just doesn't listen.
- Wonder where he gets that from.
- What? [Rain falling.]
Oh.
What y'all looking at? [Music.]
Sumo, I Look, you can't You know what I mean.
Sumo, come on.
Just take the dang pudding.
Sumo? [Music.]
Wha ? [Dramatic music plays.]
[Thunder cracks.]
[Wind howling.]
[Grunting.]
[Shivering.]
Sumo! Sumo, where are ya, boy?! Sumo: Come on, girl, we gotta get out.
[Growls.]
- Ow! - Sumo, what are you doing?! - Go away! - It's dangerous.
- I'm tying you off! - Stop! I'm not leaving without Candice! Sumo, we don't got time to be naming critters and hiding in dog houses! - Let go! Ow! - Stop.
We gotta get out of here! - No! - Sumo, come on! - No! - Come on! - Aah! Gah! - Dad! Aaaaaah! [Chomp!.]
Huh? [Muffled growling.]
Aaaaaah! [Old timey music playing on radio.]
Ohh! [Groans.]
Sumo! Candice? You okay? Come on, girl! Stay with me, Candice, stay with me! [Sad music plays.]
I'm sorry, Sumo.
[Chomp!.]
Ow! - Ah, dang! Really?! - Come back! [Music.]
[Candice squeals.]
Oh, no! Candice! - Sumo, wait! - No, Candice! Dad, she saved us! We gotta save her! Aaaaaaah! [Objects clattering.]
Dad, what are you doing? Sumo, that critter saved us back there.
She's family now, and we don't leave family behind.
We're gonna go get her? Yup, and we ain't coming back till [Music.]
Uh, Dad, uh I lo I lo I lov Yeah, I know what you mean.
I, earlier, I was, um pudding, uh I know what you mean, Dad.
- Tinona, can I borrow your truck? - What for? Sumo's got a friend out in the storm.
We're gonna go get her.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
- Thanks, hon, I - Don't scratch it.
[Chuckles.]
Course not.
Thanks, babe.
- Sumo, you ready? - Yeah! Dad, what are you do I thought I told y'all to go back to sleep.
Whoa! [Laughs.]
Awesome! Yeah! [Laughs.]