Corner Gas (2004) Episode Scripts

408 - Blog River

I'm not saying robots would fight werewolves.
That's not what I'm saying at all.
I'm just saying that if robots did fight werewolves, who'd win? Fascinating.
You done? Werewolves have claws, robots can have claws.
You know, in many ways, the werewolf is nature's robot.
You're not done.
I think we can agree that when robots fight werewolves, we all win.
Hank, maybe this isn't the right forum for your theories.
You should maybe start a blog.
I was gonna tell him to lay down on the highway and discuss it with traffic, but a blog? Yeah, a blog.
It's short for web log, web because it's on the Internet and log because, um They were originally printed on wood.
Why waste this on us, when you can put it on the Internet and have the whole world ignore it? Whole world, huh? Yeah, you should go now.
I mean the world needs more Hank.
Werewolves versus robots.
That's a whole new level of stupid.
I know.
Werewolves would trash robots.
Are you crazy? Robots have lasers and rocket boots.
* You can tell me that your dog ran away * * Then tell me that it took three days * * I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say * * You think there's not a lot goin' on * * Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong * * And that's why you can stay so long * * Where there's not a lot goin' on * Hello, people on the Internet.
Welcome to my musings, Hank Talkin'.
Yes, you read right.
I spell talkin' with no G.
That is to show I have attitude.
Yes, Hank Talkin' will not be afraid to shake things up.
I am a rule breaker.
Hank?Huh? Why are you eating salad with a spoon? I'm a rule breaker.
Now the real question.
Why are you eating a salad? She brought me the wrong thing.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little distracted today.
News from home.
Nothin' bad, I hope.
My friend's a chef.
Well, that would rattle anybody.
She just got this new show, on TV, where she travels the world cooking for celebrities.
That's a lotta work, really.
I don't think she has any idea what she's getting herself into.
Yeah? Sounds like a real screw-up.
Lacey, that black goo is coming out of the dishwasher again.
Well, if you'll excuse me.
I have goo to deal with.
I don't know how people eat this stuff.
It's leaves all the way down.
Buncha crooks.
They get ya comin' and goin'.
Phone company? No.
Cable company? Close.
Plus at the end of the day, they waste the money.
Ah, government.
Davis tells me he doesn't like doin' his taxes, if you can wrap your head around that.
Are you nuts? Tax time is great.
Really? It's a challenge.
It's you versus the man, movin' your money around, hidin' your pennies.
It's like a financial shell game.
I look forward to it.
You make it sound like Christmas.
Tax time kicks the crap outta Christmas.
Bah, humbug.
Yes, the rumours are true.
My truck is busted.
Sure, it slows me down.
But a slower pace means you get to spend time with friends, like in the olden days, before they invented my truck.
No, no, no, that's a common misconception.
There's actually only seven bones in the human body.
Please stop talking.
No, no, it's true, it's true.
Uh, whaddaya got? Ya got the skull, the legs, uh, femur, um, what are we up to? Maybe there's only six.
Whoa, whoa.
Who's throwin' the M word around.
Hank's been entertaining us with his theories on the human body.
Yeah? Better than when he does his sounds of the human body.
There's actually only seven bones.
You see, you got the skull, the arm, the Hold up, buddy.
Don't spoil it for me.
I want to read about it in your blog.
The what? Hank Talkin'.
It's a forum for my musings.
So, anyway, you got the skull, the legs Wait.
I also want to not hear about this now.
I want to read about this on your Blog.
Yeah, I like that thing.
Me too.
I love your blob.
This thing's really catchin' on, huh? All right.
What the heck's a blog? Well, it's an online We just got Hank to shut up.
Don't you start.
Oh, yeah, we could definitely do you better.
For example, why own your car, when you can form a company, sell your car to the company, then lease your car back to yourself? I don't want to sell my car.
You don't.
You lease it from yourself.
And when do I have to give it back to me? You don't.
It's a trick.
I like tricks.
Yeah, so I was feeling in a bit of a rut today, so I went in the back and whipped up a batch of polenta.
What's a polenta? It's Italian.
It's cornmeal lightly Pass.
No offence, Lacey.
But if we want something fancy, we'll go someplace that Geez, I kinda painted myself into a corner here.
Never mind palinka.
What's the soup of the day? Same as yesterday.
She can't do that, can she? Oh.
What's her problem? I don't know.
But it's starting to affect soup.
I was worried that Hank Talkin' wouldn't catch on.
But that was malarkey.
It turns out not a day goes by someone doesn't tell me they read it.
Hey, Karen.
No need.
Read it on the blurb.
Love it.
Does it feel good to be a hit? In a word, it sure does.
Hey, Davis.
I figured you'd be in tax prison by now.
Oh, no, it's all above board.
Wanda has me incorporating as a private security contractor.
I can write off legal costs, office equipment.
What do you need a fax machine for? He can fax in his tax forms.
Saves on stamps.
How much did all this cost? Oh, it's not my money.
It's International Protection League's money.
That's my corporation.
So a dummy company.
I'm going to see if I can fax to myself.
A $200 fax machine to save 51ยข on a stamp? You have to spend money to save money.
And I saved him a bundle.
Okay, so I didn't exactly save him a bundle.
But on the upside, the money I lost him wasn't exactly a bundle either.
Well, the important thing is you're having fun.
If he wanted to save money, he coulda used a professional accountant.
There you go.
Who's gonna give me a ride home? Why, you drunk? I wish.
My truck's busted, like I wrote about in the blog? Oh, yeah, right.
I loved that part about the truck.
Wait a minute.
Lacey tried to give me polenta.
I'm worried about her mind.
Brent, you know about my truck? What about your truck? Oh, man.
You guys haven't been reading my blog at all.
No, no, I-I read it, about the truck and the thing that happened to it, or you had done to it.
Aw, you guys are just trying to get me to shut up.
Shut up.
I mean not true.
Well, thanks a lot.
From now on Hank Yarbo blogs no more.
Way to go, you guys.
I don't want to go to a barbecue.
Come on, it'll cheer you up.
The people, the food, the smell of the grill.
That's what I do all day, that's my job.
But this will be outside.
Oh, great.
My job plus bugs.
When I tell Davis I lost him money, he's gonna go ballistic.
You don't have to tell him.
He's walkin' around in seventh heaven.
Check out my logo for International Protection League.
It's a bear with a snake in its mouth fightin' a dragon.
How is that international? Dragons are from China.
Hey, so, uh, I was reading your blog.
No, you weren't.
Yeah, I was.
I thought it was interesting how you said, "If Goldfinger had been named Honeyfinger" Ah, too little too late.
"then they wouldn't have called in James Bond.
" I blog no more.
"Just 'cause some guy's smuggling honey.
" Hey, since you read it anyway, what did Hank talk about, just in case? Oh.
Well, there was the Honeyfinger thing.
Here, write it down.
What the heck is International Protection League? Horseshoes will cheer you up.
They're lucky.
Why is it that people who like to do things always make people who don't like to do things, do things? Is this about the polenta? Because I ate a salad.
How many freaky foreign foods do you want me to try? Salad is not foreign.
Yeah, right.
Italian dressing, Romanian lettuce, crouton -s.
And it's just a friendly game.
It's not like you're playin' Oscar.
He's the horseshoe king.
Oh, yeah? Why's that? Because he's really good at backgammon.
Man, no wonder you don't have a cooking show.
Technically, if you're only looking at the dollars and cents Uh-huh? I may not have saved you any dollars, or cents.
What? In fact, another way to look at it, is to say that I actually cost you money.
But here's the thing.
I had the courage to tell you and you respect me for that.
You cost me money? Yes.
Tax time isn't fun time.
What are you gonna do next, tell a little kid there's no Santa Claus? Hello.
I'm Ivan Fecan, Head of CTV.
If there's any children watching, Karen didn't really mean to say to say there's no Santa Claus.
She just meant it would be mean to tell kids there's no Santa Claus.
Because, in fact, there is.
That's the position of Karen, CTV, our affiliate stations, and myself, Ivan Fecan.
Seasons Greetings, everyone.
Yes! In your face! Woo-hoo! You ready to get creamed again? No.
You're cheered up enough.
I'm the Queen of Horseshoes.
Who will challenge me? Hey.
Only I clang horseshoes.
Are you ready to back that up? * *You sure you want this? * *Bring it on.
* Let me finish my hotdog first.
Sure, no problem.
My point is, if Vikings could travel through time, they'd be impressed by how much glow in the dark stuff we have and how we take it for granted.
I, uh, I-I read about that in your, uh, the thing.
No ya didn't.
You just want to shut me up.
I read about it too, how if you brought Vikings from the past, they would be impressed by things that glow in the dark, like stickers and some types of t-shirts.
My, uh, blog really did reach people.
You make some good glow-in-the-dark-related points.
Things that had to be said.
Maybe I should, uh, start up the blog again.
Go start it now.
Yeah, all right.
That's like magic.
Where did you get that? Brent's handing them out.
Hah! Well, I was close.
Close only counts in horseshoes and de well, anyway, you lost.
I thought I was pretty good at horseshoes.
Well, just remember, you're not.
Well, I guess the important thing is we had fun.
Mommy and Daddy mighta told you that, but it ain't true.
And there's no tooth fairy either.
Okay, look, there is a tooth fairy.
I don't know why he said that.
I'd like to apologize to all the kids on behalf of the CTV family of companies and myself, Ivan Fecan.
Now remember, kids, replace your toothbrush every three months.
Oh! Don't you think you're being a bit hard on her? Ah, she'll get over it.
This is soup? It looks like dirty water.
I can't do anything right.
What's the point? Oh, well, she bounced back.
Look out, world, I am back.
After popular demand, I have decided to resume my musings.
Although certain people are still in my bad books for lying to me I will not say their name.
Brent, you know who you are, exclamation point, exclamation point.
Exclamation point.
Brent, do you have any more of those Hank Talkin' cheat sheets? No, I'm all out.
Well, could you give me the gist of it? No.
You have to read the details.
Look, I hurt a friend once with a careless lie.
I learned a valuable lesson about lying more convincingly.
You should put the cheat sheets online.
Online? You mean like a blog? Yeah.
Except people read it.
These are still frozen.
Yeah, I thought they might be.
And then I thought about the infinite blackness of space.
No matter what you do, it'll always be cold.
What's with glummy puss? Blame the horseshoe king.
Well, she's no use to us like this.
You should play her again and throw the match.
No way.
You don't throw horseshoes.
Well, yes, you throw them.
That's the nature of the game.
But you don't throw the actual game.
I want you to look at your soup and say that again.
I'll do it.
I could see my friend was feeling down, so I decided to cheer her up.
A wise man said it takes less muscles to make a smile than it does to frown.
Still feelin' blue just because you haven't accomplished anything with your life? Ah, that is a nice thing for you to say, Hank.
You know, I used to worry too.
But then I realized, why worry? And look at me now.
That's your advice, "Why worry?" And look at me now.
So I should resign myself to failure? Boy, I feel super.
Of course, it also takes less muscles to smile meanly in a sarcastic way, very less.
Look, bad enough you lost me money.
But you didn't even pay me the respect of lying to me about it.
That hurts.
I can get your money back.
What if I told you Lacey's gonna beat Oscar in horseshoes? Impossible.
He's gonna throw the game.
You don't throw horseshoes.
I mean, yeah, you throw 'em, but It's fixed.
We put a little money on it, we get long odds, you're back in the black.
I don't know.
It sounds illegal.
You're the law.
It's not illegal if you say it's not illegal.
Really? When you fall off a horse, you have to get back on.
It's like riding a bicycle, except with legs.
That's why I really admire Lacey for trying.
I don't want to play horseshoes.
I'm no good at horseshoes.
Come on, ya big chicken.
You haven't accomplished anything with your life.
I was trying tough love.
I think, later, when she hit me with a rock, that was tough love too.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
Oh, all right, fine, I'll play.
Less talkin'.
Let's see Oscar beat Lacey.
Ow! Hey, did ya hear? Lacey's playing Oscar at horseshoes.
Really? He'll cream her.
Oh, that's for certain.
That's a sure thing.
Oh, I don't know.
Wanna put money on it? You want to put money on Lacey? That's crazy.
What a foolish thing Wanda's doing.
Well, she's lost one in a row.
She's due.
Hey, I need the latest cheat sheet for Hank.
I put it on the Internet.
It's the wave of the future.
Oh, plus there's this bonus thing that I wrote about who's stretchier, Plastic Man or Stretch Armstrong.
I know Plastic Man is a superhero and Stretch Armstrong is a toy, but, still, as a thought experiment Don't ruin it.
I'll read it on your glog.
It was an exciting match.
Who thought Lacey would pull ahead like that? I think Plastic Man would be stretchier than Stretch Armstrong.
A bold statement.
But bear with me.
Here's a fun thing.
Wanda just put money down on Lacey.
I'm just tellin' ya, 'cause it's fun and legal.
I gotta get in on that.
Now, just remember, throw short.
But I can make this shot, I can win.
Think about the soup.
But Take the dive, Leroy.
Do ya hear me? You're goin' down and you're goin' down hard.
You're takin' the fall for Thursby.
Who's Thursby? I'm just getting a little worked up.
* Yes! I am the Queen of Horseshoes! Clang, clang! Cooking show that! Wow.
What happened there? Looks like you'll have to pay your money to Wanda now.
Hey, this soup's got soup in it.
Well, I am feelin' much better.
Pitchin' shoes did wonders for me.
You don't call them shoes.
They're horseshoes.
Are you the Horseshoe King? Excuse me, are ya? Are ya? No.
Well, she's perked up.
Yeah, it's like I said in my blog.
Once she wins somethin', she'll bounce back.
Oh, yeah.
And about Mr.
, um, Stretchy Arm.
The point is, I lost the game fair and square.
So now she has to stop moping and the food gets better.
You threw the game, didn't you? No.
You didn't read my blog, did you? No.
The game was rigged? No.
So, can I clang? No.
I want my money back.
I want George Clooney.
It ain't gonna happen.
But the game was rigged.
That's illegal.
It's not illegal if I say it's not illegal.
You can't just make up your own laws, Boss Hogg.
It's all legit.
Right, Wanda? Davis Quinton isn't responsible for the debt of International Protection League.
Well, I guess we're just a couple a guys with blogs that no one reads.
Well, I don't think that no one no one reads them, do they? I started on that Stretch Armstrong thing, but lost interest.
Besides, Mr.
Fantastic is stretchier than both of them put together.
Oh, that's a good point.
Plus he's a genius.
That summer I learned the true value of a friend.
It's not just companionship.
It's so that when they fail, you can feel better about yourself.
Nobody's reading this blog, are they? Question mark.
Is there anybody out there? Question mark.
Ah, I'm gettin' a sandwich.
Closed Captioning by Closed Captioning Services Inc.
* I don't know the same things you don't know * * I don't know I just don't know * * It's a great big place * full of nothin' but space * and it's my happy place * I don't know Yes you do * * You just won't admit it Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com * I don't know * I just don't know *