Crisis in Six Scenes (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Episode 5

1 Our problems are sexual.
[sighs] Let me tell it, Moe.
So tell it, but you only give your point of view.
Last year, our sex life came to a halt.
It was never great.
Do not interrupt me, Moe.
It went from three times a week, to twice, to once, and then, bingo, he stops trying.
So since he's a man with a normal sex drive A strong sex drive.
No more than normal.
I got a little suspicious.
And then I notice his credit card bills.
- She snooped.
- Mm! You damn right I snooped.
So I see this credit card bill with escort services, right? Massage parlors.
So I confronted him.
- And I admitted it.
- Mm-hmm.
Those encounters excited me, and to get into bed with my wife no longer did.
Did you ever hear of such a thing? Go on.
So we came to you.
[exhales] You listened to us, and you said, "Why don't you just pay your wife?" I should charge him, he should pay me, and the same dynamic will exist.
Well, it seemed like a very good idea.
He needs to think of you as a whore, so why not charge him? - Yes, and it worked.
- Yeah.
Paying her was exciting, and it felt like being with a hooker.
Mm, mm, which he finds naughty.
And exciting.
Sometimes a creative solution She started charging too much.
I am not a low-class bimbo, okay? If I was a professional, I would be a high-class call girl.
I'm not paying my wife $700 a pop.
- Christ, Lorna - Mm-hmm.
Okay, for 700 bucks, I could get a fantastic professional whore.
Great, well, I'm not doing it for 200 anymore.
Why not? It's fun money.
I could get at least 500 on the open market.
This is safer, and you can work at home.
Who cares? I really think we can work this out.
You know, it's really it's all in the family, and you could give him maybe a little discount.
I mean, he does use you regularly.
[male announcer] Meanwhile, police have apprehended the other man who escaped in San Francisco.
He is Alvin Broadnax, wanted in the bombing of the Seattle draft board and the shooting of the state trooper.
Broadnax had been traced to New Jersey, where he was picked up in Oh, Jesus, Kay, the noose is tightening.
- Well? - God.
Chairman Mao says that a calm heart stills all panic.
Screw Chairman Mao.
You you and I will be in prison.
Chairman Mao will be in his palace eating spare ribs.
Let me tell you something.
If I wind up in prison, I am never gonna take a shower.
I can promise you one thing, that she will not be here long.
Yeah, meanwhile, her accomplice was captured.
You know, thank God the guy doesn't know where she is.
Um, he he does.
What do you mean, he does? [stammers] How do you know he does? They've they've been in contact.
Well, that's it.
I'm You know, I'm leaving for Cuba tonight.
Oh, that's interesting because so is she.
Not tonight, but she is planning to go to Cuba.
You know, she's delusional.
She's gonna be caught, and then you know what happens? Then she implicates us.
[laughing] Oh, Lenny? Lenny will never talk.
She'll never talk? Can I say Can I say two words two words to you? - Uh-huh.
- Okay? - Yeah.
- Sodium Pentothal.
They give her an injection.
[snaps] Next thing you know, FBI's at our door with his-and-her handcuffs.
You know, she's given us some very interesting things to read.
Like what? Well, like things that opened my eyes to various things that my eyes had been closed to.
Well, to what? What are we talking about here? Well, like the fact that we go to cocktail parties, and we talk the talk, but we never walk the walk.
Yeah, well, I don't want to walk the walk or shoot the shooter, bomb the bomb.
Okay, so you're going straight to Manhattan, right? Right, right, right, and I think I have I'm sure I have all your instructions just right.
Don't worry about a thing.
I can't thank you enough for doing this.
Well, life is complicated.
Life is complicated.
I've already you know.
It's so dangerous for you and Sid, me staying here, and now you're doing this for me.
No, no, there are black issues, as Chairman Mao says there are white issues, there are gray issues, and this is all of those issues.
Have you said anything to your husband yet? No, he's going to go to his cardiologist, and I don't want his heart to stop before he gets there.
Don't worry about it, really.
It's going to be okay.
- Thank you.
- It's gonna be great.
There's nothing wrong with you.
You're absolutely fine.
Your heart's good.
You may have a little indigestion, but that's all.
And what about my lung? Well, the X-ray report I got is negative, so you see, you're really in good shape.
I get the blood test back in a few days.
Are you anticipating something? [doctor] No.
Your last blood test was normal.
Yes, but that was that was when? Two weeks ago, at your allergist's office.
You know, I don't want to be an alarmist, but I notice in my right thumb not a pain.
It's not a pain, but I have an awareness, an awareness in my right thumb, and when I move the right thumb, what happens is, I will experience a kind of disorientation, a dizzy feeling, and and maybe some slight loss of appetite.
I can't afford not to eat because I can't lose weight, because I need the weight to protect me against disease.
What disease is that? Is there a possibility that I could have malaria? I'll call you when the blood work gets in.
If you become aware of your thumb, honey, we'll go straight to the ER, really.
So what are you saying? You're not gonna give me anything for my thumb? We should all be so healthy.
[laughs] And as for that ringing sound that you keep hearing in your kneecap Yes.
It's nothing, but I'm going to keep my eye on it.
See, I was right.
It was chapped lips.
It wasn't the flesh-eating virus.
Yes, but chapped lips, uh, untreated, can be fatal, so so now come on, let's go have lunch.
- What time is it? - It's 1:00.
- It's 1:00? - Yeah, you know, you've asked me that six times today.
I don't understand.
Let's go have lunch.
We'll relax.
We'll get a nice French meal.
We'll we'll go to a nice restaurant.
We can get some wine.
We can get some delicious food, you know? We don't have to worry about going home early today and that crazy crackpot who invaded the house.
We don't have to think about her.
Darling, that sounds just great, but first, I'd just like to rundown to Brooklyn, okay? Where? Brooklyn, I want to go to 119 - Brooklyn? - Veronica Street.
Is that okay? Just take a second.
Well, what are we gonna do in Brooklyn? I just have a little errand to do.
Really, it's nothing.
What do you mean, an errand? What kind of errand? I just have to pick something up for a friend, okay? - Is that all right? - In Brooklyn? It will take a minute, yes, okay? Can you go after lunch? - I have to do it by 2:00.
- You must do it? I must do it by 2:00, darling.
What are you doing down here, buying heroin? Oh, very funny.
I mean, this is this is crazy.
Where are we? This is so desolate.
So, wait, at 2:00 What's at 2:00? A man will come and give us a briefcase.
We're you're buying a new briefcase? Uh, not no, not exactly.
Well, what? I mean, you're so cryptic.
I mean, you drag me down here Doing doing something for Lenny.
Ah, now it becomes clear, for Lenny.
Yeah, but we're doing something for Lenny so she can leave tomorrow.
Oh, that's fine, if she's leaving tomorrow, then anything you have to do is great.
But it's nothing dangerous, right? I mean [stammers] Has nothing to do with guns or No, she has a gun.
Yeah, I know she I remember she's got a gun.
Look, in for a penny, in for a pound.
I want my penny back.
Well, it's too late now.
Then keep it at a penny, you know? The pound is up to $1.
80.
I don't want to be in for $1.
80.
[car engine growls] That's the Volkswagen; that must be him.
[Sidney] Oh, Jesus [Kay] Uh, hi, Lenny said you had something for her to give to us.
Okay, okay, I just wanted to make sure y'all was good people.
Briefcase, a briefcase.
Yeah, it's right here.
I told you it'd be a snap.
Yeah well, snap faster.
This is treason.
Hold it.
[briefcase thunks] - Ow! - I just want you to know that we're proud of what you're doing for America.
Thank you.
Now, listen, you need to give that to - make sure you give that to - [sirens wail] Oh, shit, they followed me.
Run, run! Oh, God! Well [stammers] - I I - Police found you.
In here, go in here.
[gate creaks] [sirens wail ] Come in here.
Uh, Sid, this way.
Where are you going? My heart, my heart.
Your heart is fine; you just had a checkup.
Yeah, but the blood work's not back.
Come on.
[Sidney] Oh, Jesus.
We're trapped.
We're trapped up here.
We can jump.
[Kay] Throw the briefcase over to me.
What? Throw the [gasps] throw the briefcase, Sid.
Good throw, now jump.
Jump? I never jump any place where there's gravity.
Jump! [Sidney] Be careful, Kay, this thing is wobbling.
I know.
You be careful.
Hold on to that briefcase, okay? - Steady.
- Okay.
Oh, my God, let me down here.
Okay, this way.
Ooh.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, my God, pick up the money.
Okay, no.
What? Are you nuts? It's a fortune.
Yes, but it's Cuban.
What's the difference? It's a clue.
Pick up the money.
She's right.
It's a clue.
Well, I don't understand.
Why do you want to postpone the wedding? Out of fairness to you.
Well, what does that mean? I'm having second thoughts about my life, about my job.
Well, your life is finance, that's nothing to be ashamed of.
No, it's just I'm not so sure that I want to spend my life using money to make more money.
What? Do you have a problem with money? No, not if it's used properly.
Meaning? Meaning that if it's used fairly, if, you know, the masses aren't exploited.
Well, you sound like Karl Marx.
Well, that's one of the people I've been reading.
Well, surely you're not a communist.
No, I don't know what I am.
I know that I'm for human decency.
Well, suddenly you have political ideas and radical ones.
What happened to you? I'm just saying, I've grown skeptical of passive resistance.
So what are you suggesting? The violent overthrow of the United States Government? No, no, I'm not.
I'm suggesting change.
I'm for change; I'm for, you know, not minuscule change but meaningful change.
You mean radical change? By any means necessary.
This is a you that I don't recognize.
Well, my personality's evolving.
Well, I think that this may all be a way of you telling me that you don't want to marry me.
That's what I think.
Jesus, Kay, this has been the worst day of my life, and, you know, it's still early.
Here.
Come on, you can put some money in too.
- Let's not quibble.
- Okay, okay.
Here, take this.
Okay.
Now, I think we did it.
I think we made it.
I think we're safe.
- All right.
- I don't think anyone's coming.
Let's just close this thing.
God, we got hot merchandise here.
[tires squealing] - You know, this is - What? Is that a police car? - No.
- Don't scare me.
You know I got an ulcer the size of the Holland Tunnel.
You don't have an ulcer.
Don't tell me I don't have an ulcer.
Maybe they can't find it, but I have an ulcer.
Okay, I think we're clear.
Where are we going? We're going going to hand this off.
To who? To a man, that's all I know, to a man.
Jesus, Kay, God's gonna punish us for this.
Oh, for God's sake.
God's not gonna punish you; you're an atheist.
Yes, but if I'm wrong, we're in big trouble.
[Kay] You see that phone booth? At 3:00, you will enter that phone booth and make a call.
To who? It doesn't matter.
You're not going to make a real call.
You're going to pretend to talk, pretend to dial, and then mime hanging up.
And what is the point? You're going to leave this briefcase in that phone booth.
Uh-huh.
And then a man is going to come and make a call.
A a real call, or will he mime it? It doesn't matter.
The point is, he's going to leave with the briefcase.
Well, I can't wait till that moment, when this briefcase is gone, 'cause this has been nothing but trouble.
Well, we're doing this so that she can leave tomorrow.
Yes, and the minute she goes, I give a major donation to the Red Cross.
Well, she'll be gone.
[laughs] But you've got to admit, it's been exciting.
I don't know how you could volunteer for something like this.
Well, you know, we just drag around in this, our everyday marriage, and I just thought, you know, this is something so different and Yeah, 'cause, you know, she gives you these books, and it fills your head full of you know? I'm glad she didn't give you Mein Kampf.
And then you give them to your silly book club, and then these ladies get crazy.
You're in pretty good shape.
When you ran up those stairs and you went leaping over those roofs? Yeah, it's amazing what the human body can do when it's being chased by a policeman.
It's 3:00, go.
You know, you volunteered for the thing, and all the dirty work, I have to do.
'Cause I'm the lookout.
I have better ears and better eyes, and and I'm sharper.
Yes, you should put me in a home.
Be right back.
Okay, now what? Now we wait until the man comes to pick it up.
Then we split.
Yes, but, uh, that's not a man, or he's in drag.
[Kay] I'm pretty sure she said a man.
[Sidney] Well, that's not a man.
That's a woman.
[Kay] It is a woman, isn't it? Yes, it's a woman, and she's and she's picking it up.
Well, let's Maybe the plan has been changed.
Can you go back and just very subtly try to find out whether that's the person who's supposed to pick it up? How am I going to find out? What are you talking about? Maybe just take the briefcase back.
How am I gonna get it back? Just say that you left it there by mistake.
It's a mistake, and it's your package, and you want it back.
Come on.
Jesus, you sit here with these brilliant notions, and I carry them out.
- Uh, excuse me, miss? - Yeah? [stammering] I left my that's mine.
I left it in there.
How do I know that? Well, I'm telling you, I left my I was just All I see is you running out of a café.
How do I know that's yours? 'Cause I'm telling you it's my brief [stammering] I left it in there.
Give me some proof.
I don't know that's yours.
I'm telling you it's my briefcase.
- Believe me.
- No, this is not this should go to the lost and found.
No, no, no, no, it's mine.
- I promise you it's mine.
- Don't grab it! - I'm not grabbing! I'm - You just grabbed it.
I'm taking it.
I'm not grabbing it.
Well, no.
Just [laughs] I I understand that you think this is yours, but I wouldn't fight with me, if I were you, okay? I'm not fighting.
It's my brief It's my briefcase.
Don't grab it.
I'm doing the right thing.
Officer! Don't, no, it's not This should go to the lost and found.
I went to make a phone call.
I find this briefcase.
This man comes running out of a café, telling me it's his briefcase.
- How do I know that? - It's my briefcase.
- Trying to do the right thing.
- It's my briefcase.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Thank you, Officer.
Can you identify it? Can I yes, it's a briefcase.
What's in it? What's in the briefcase? Yeah, tell me, and I'll check.
You know, it's.
I don't It's not really my briefcase.
So I was kidding.
[laughs] Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
What's your name? Muntzinger, Sidney.
S.
J.
Muntzinger.
Perhaps you've read some of my books.
The S is for Sidney, the J I just put that in for prestige, like Harry S Truman.
Let me tell you something.
Claiming that this was yours was not a very nice thing to do.
Oh, I'm a congenital liar.
My family, it's in the genes, we Okay, good, you know what? Move along now, or I'm gonna have to arrest you for attempted theft, okay? Put me down for two tickets to the Policeman-Fireman Tug of War.
It's my favorite event.
Okay, all right, thank you.
- Have a good day.
- Thank you, Officer.
You got it.
Hey.
Hey.
Where you off to? I was never very good at reading a map.
Ah, of where? Upstate New York.
Hmm, so I guess you're really going.
I have no choice.
Well, I'm gonna be sad to see you go.
I can't stay here.
So what is it? Canada, Cuba? Cuba.
And suppose I went with you? It's not a good idea.
Why? Think about it.
Get to know each other under the Caribbean moon.
Oh, snap out of it, come on.
I'm on the run, and you're getting married.
I'm a devoted revolutionary, and until this world changes for the better, my fight goes on.
Me too now.
What the hell would you do in Cuba? We'd work together to make the world a better place.
We could It's not like here.
Things are much cheaper.
We could find a way to get by.
You'd end up waiting tables.
Is that what you want? Yes, if I had to, I would.
And meanwhile, I'd work to organize an agricultural collective.
You couldn't work at an agricultural collective if they gave you seeds and a shovel.
Do you know how long you'd last in Cuba? I know I'm in love with you.
Forget it.
Tomorrow, I'm out of here.
God, Sid.
Sid, we you lost all her money.
What do you mean I lost all her money? What did you expect me to do? Open the briefcase with the cop there? Yes, Officer, I always carry around $30,000 in Cuban money in case I want to buy black bean soup.
Were you able to do it? [Kay] Uh uh You did transfer the money, right? Nothing went wrong? Well, yes, one small thing went wrong.
Everything.
What? I was counting on this.
Well, don't count on it.
Do it yourself.
For God's sake, we're not professional criminals.
You know, I'm writing a sitcom.
It was our first time jumping from rooftop to rooftop.
Christ, she comes in here full of, you know, half-baked ideas about Fidel and and Che and and the great Chairman Mao, you know, one of the few overweight Chinese.
[Kay] It was a simple pick up and drop.
It was supposed to be.
Yeah, very simple, except, the guy making the pickup was followed by the police.
[Lenny] What? [Kay] I think they're closing in on us, Lenny.
They got a pretty good look at Sid.
You didn't tell me that.
I didn't want to worry you.
Jesus Christ, you know, you're jumping around the roof like Batman, and she's safe up in her room reading Spartacus and coming to all the wrong conclusions.
That money was for my escape.
Hey, this is not how I want to spend my golden years.
Look, I know they're closing in on us, but we have a little bit of time.
I just I have to keep a low profile [muffled crashing, booming] - [Kay] What was that? - Jesus.
God, I told Allen not to make a bomb without me there.